People Are Calling Out Toxic Parenting Tactics That Are Still Often Viewed As “Normal” (30 Answers)
Parents like to say that they know what’s best for their child. And who are we to argue? But in some cases, common parenting tactics, even if meant for the best interest of a child, can do more harm than good.
So recently, a thread on r/AskReddit got people weighing in on “normal” parenting tactics that shouldn't be considered normal. Even though discussing parenting with others always verges on the thin line of getting into an argument, some of the responses are truly thoughtful. Think of being protective and overprotective, or comparing a child to their siblings; how much of it is actually toxic?
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Refusing to apologize when you’re wrong.
Apologize to your children when you're wrong. Admit you don't know something when asked. Change your mind when your child gives you a valid reason. I grew up in an authoritarian household. ... It only teaches kids they have no voice.
Saying that a kid has a boyfriend/girlfriend any time they are close friends with a child who isn't the same gender. On top of reinforcing the idea that boys and girls can't ever be strictly platonic friends, it's so creepy to project adult ideas of romantic relationships onto kids who are practically still toddlers.
Telling your kids your personal problems. Like, 'Your dad is horrible; he didn’t even do the dishes. I hate my marriage.' Your kids are not your therapist. Also, they can’t do anything to solve your problem. Instead, address your issues with your spouse and a therapist.
'You can tell me, and I won't be mad' followed by punishing them for whatever they admit. Then they wonder why their kids never talk to them.
I am sure I have as many parental failings as anyone else (possibly more) but I've never understood this one, even if a parent does stick to not being angry. I've always said to my kids that if they've wronged someone, by accident or on purpose, then that person has a right to be angry. Of course they also have a responsibility about how they behave, just because you let someone down or scratched their car or whatever doesn't mean they can now hit you or pour personal insults on you. But yes, they have a right to express how they feel and you have to accept that. It doesn't mean you're less of a person, it means you're taking it on the chin as you should. I then talk about how these things will come out somehow and that person will always end up angry at some point, and it's a million times better to be upfront and in control and deal with it as soon as possible, than for them to find out you've lied and hidden it from then. Boy, then they're really going to be furious.
Being overly protective. If you don't let your kids fail or protect them too much, they'll be less capable of doing so once they've left home. Failure is good; just provide a safety net.
Failure is a great teacher. Frankly so is pain. To a point, if you don’t let them fail, they will freak out when they do, and they will.
Getting mad for 'disrespect' or 'talking back' when their kids win an argument.
Using humiliation and embarrassment as a punishment.
It's one thing to put a kid in someone else's shoes to show them shaming someone for being different isn't cool. But what this one means is it's toxic to actually cause traumatic humiliation and embarrassment for something like soiling the bed at night, or publicly shaming them just because they did something wrong at home.
Taking away their privacy. Unless your kid has a serious drug or self-harm problem, violating their privacy will almost certainly do more harm than good to their mental health, trust, and their relationship to you. It doesn't matter if it's installing spyware on their phones, tracking their movements, or taking away their bedroom door.
It will also lead to children learning very quick how to hide stuff and lie.
Taking away your kid's bedroom door so they can't change in private is perverted.
I've heard of parents that remove the bathroom door just because they have some weird belief that their kids are jacking off every time they're in there. Wtf?
Load More Replies...I feel there's a difference between monitoring what a minor does online (which can be helpful) and taking away the bedroom door (which is definitely not okay)
YES, this is perfect, everyone complains about parents monitoring what they do online/checking their phones once in a while, that's not bad parenting while humiliation and complete invasion if privacy is
Load More Replies...Debatable. There are many stories that children were saved because of that. Or could have been saved. I know it's unpopular opinion, but it's not always easy to be close to your children and know what's going on in their lives without snooping.
Snooping for supposed safety reasons stops being okay after a certain age. After around age 10 at the latest, it's an absolute no go imo.
Load More Replies...Unpopular opinion: Installing trackers and spyware on children's phones just gives you a false sense of control. Kids are way more resourceful than you think. A group of kids in one of the schools where I worked had set up an "anti-control team". By turn one of them got all their phones so it would look like all the others were with them at their house. The rest of the kids went to the shopping mall and did all the stuff that they weren't allowed to do. Including shoplifting and smoking weed. Their parents only found out after nearly a year, when one of the kids got caught shoplifting.
I attempted suicide when I was 16 and spent a year on a psych ward. My mum read my diary and brought it to a therapy session with her, my dad and the psychiatrist - the theory was that we could all discuss it together. Surprisingly, that didn’t work at all. But I get why she did it. It took a long time, but she just wanted to understand. But unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand...
I think this is a complicated and often not clear cut issue. The goal absolutely should be to build a relationship of mutual trust. However there are certainly times that parents need to intervene. Providing age appropriate supervision of your children, including their digital life, is good parenting.
omg I had a camera in my room for like a yr and a half when my step mother moved in she also had a vent put in the floor and a mirror above it so she could see what it reflected from my room and she also sawed my door in half like horizontally and I'm not allowed to shut my door when I sleep and I get in trouble when her kids come in my room (whenever they please)and they used to watch me get dressed in the camera. When I moved downstairs they where adding a big room to the front of the house and there was no walls between the living room and there room and mine is next to the other side of the living room so its right lined up in one and they had s** I couldn't see (not that I wanted to) but it was like being in the same room. like at least let me close my door.(literally the one thing blocking me from seeing into your room)
Depends on age and other factors. As they get older you should be giving them more autonomy but giving a child 100% privacy in terms of stuff like what they're looking up online for example is leaving them vulnerable to predators and is neglectful. As with most of the stuff on here it is about balance.
Ok but you are THERE IN THE ROOM WITH THEM and they know you are there. Not 'here is your own private internet access' *spy spy* 'how dare you look up x!'
Load More Replies...Wow-surprised you mentioned the bedroom door thing-my parents took mine off the hinges when I was 16, so they could always know what I was doing, and "keep an eye on me". Ran away from home when I turned 17, took me 20 years to go back and visit....
I don't agree with this at all. Everything is age appropriate. My son is almost 17 do I knock and announce before entering his room? Yes, because he's at "that" age. I don't want to see something I don't want to see if you catch my drift. But We all have apple devices so I can have find my iphone enabled. And the deal is until you move out you are part of the family plan. This world is shitty. Kids / Adults get killed for the stupidest reasons now adays and God forbid if my kid goes missing, I want to know the last place he / she was to start my search.
I also feel like spyware is necessary on devices, especially if the child is very young. It's not about privacy, and spying on them. It's about making sure others aren't harming your child. one of my accounts(contract security), we found snapchat stickers (they have qr-like codes on them, to link to snapchat) that a dirt bag was using to groom children (with the promise of free games, etc,) for child pornography and worse. They got the guy- the cops set up a sting. but this is the world we live in. you wouldn't not be wary of strange adults coming up and talking to your child, so yeah. On the other hand, as they get older, yeah, they get more freedom and liberty, right?
Load More Replies...this can be a delicate one, as you want to make sure they are ok, but you still need to protect boundaries.
i've lived in 2 apartments growing up, and i slept on the livingroom couch in both of them so... never had privacy so i just learnt how to hide everything. never had the chance to have my own room so i've never had privacy to be taken away from me, everyone was walking in the room whenever, no one ever knocked on the door before going in, etc. It didn't feel great
I was so lucky that when we lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, my parents gave that room to me and they were the ones who slept on the couch in the living room. However my dad still had a "why did you close that door, do you have something to hide?" attitude.
Load More Replies...My parents (mostly mom) would invoke the "you don't deserve privacy, for your own safety" thing ONLY when it allowed her to basically terrorize me. If there was no option for my humiliation (for example, anything with menstrual pads or exclaiming loudly how my clothing size has increased or whatever)... or if storming in and overturning my room like a prison check wouldn't produce something she could 'blame' me for (like if she'd lost a pen, she'd find one of mine, claim it as hers, call me a thief) - she'd provide me privacy - ESPECIALLY if she knew I'd need help. Because when I'd hurt myself/screw up... and she'd sneer at me and say "Well you wanted your PRIVACY."
I'm just saying that your mom is a b1tch (bored panda censors swear words so I used a one instead of a I)
Load More Replies...My mother simply assumed from day 1 that I was sneaky, a liar, etc., and I was never allowed any privacy at all - I didn't even get to have a locked diary (they were popular at the time). I didn't start keeping any kind of journal until after she was dead, because she'd search my room, read my diary, and confront me about the things I'd written.
Wow,I am crazy paranoid about this.Makes life difficult ,could never maintain any sort journal or poetry.I tried to go digital ,lost them.Sed.
Sometimes it's called actually being a parent when the child gives you a reason not to trust them.
"Privacy" for kids is a totally modern thing. We used to share bedrooms and beds.
I took my kid's door off for a couple months because he wouldn't clean it and the stench was wafting through the rest of the house. He's got his own bathroom, so he didn't lose all privacy, and he did start cleaning his room better. It's still a wreck, but it doesn't stink.
More than just self harm/drugs are a valid consideration for this. You need to weigh your kids safety when making a choice like that. I don't think anyone will say a camera for a baby's room is out of line. A medical problem that needs constant surveillance is also a time that I'm going to say your privacy takes a back seat. Also, my kid decided to punch through his door and I told him he isn't getting one back until I think he has more respect for things
but if they DO have a serious mental health issue, you do what you have to do to keep them safe, because they can't. Mine actually thanked me when they were older and in remission, for tracking phones, saving texts, reading journals, being nosy about friends, etc. when they were doing really messed up stuff. One of them would never have graduated and gone to college if I hadn't. The other would not be alive. They were so ill they were not even capable of hiding stuff and lying. But they are doing well as adults now.
And I refrain from telling my best friend important things that I want to tell her bc her parents look through her phone. At a certain age parents need to stop bc they aren't just invading their kids privacy but their kids friends privacy as well which is a major problem parents shouldn't be in their kid's friend's buisness
But also its good to look through it to a certain extent to make sure your kid is being safe online
Load More Replies...Yes! I wanted to have a nice private chat with my aunt and my mom made me do it in front of the family with the volume all the way up :/
Remember when I was about..maybe..8yrs old. I tried to write a journal, diary. And one day, I've found that someone corrected my grammar mistakes with red pen. I don't know who did it, but I have two suspects. Anyway.Till today I am not able to write a journal. But in my first language I got really good at grammar :) at least one good thing came out of it
My mom, whenever I go upstairs to do my homework, always demands that we get onto Zoom so I can screen share and she can monitor what I do. Come on, woman.
I'm not against spyware and trackers, so long it is done discreetly as it's not a trust issue... it's more a safety issue. We live in a world were predators are grooming children online, and criminals are waiting at school bus stops to snatch your child at any moment (just a few days ago an 11 year old girl had to fight off a 30 year old would be kidnapper!). Your kid can be a happy straight A student with tons of friends and seemingly doing amazing AND being groomed by a sicko without your knowledge. Your child can tell you "I'll be at the neighbours" and the next minute he/she is gone and you have no way of knowing where to.
What spyware? Right now during lockdown I'm living at my (distant) grandmother's house. My cousin visits me sometimes during the day to steal my internet, and sometimes my Uncle (his father) follows. My Uncle gives zero s**t about knocking and whatnot and just directly opens the door. Sometimes my cousin needs privacy in the room when I'm not around so he can masturbate, but nobody here knows how to knock. They just suddenly slam the door open and enter as if they are the FBI or the SWAT team. And then later they say why these kids don't have good relations with their parents.
Unless drugs or sexting is suspected it's a bad idea. Best thing you can do is keep them off drugs and raise them to NOT feel the need to get married and pop out kids. PERIOD.
Unless you suspect drugs or sexting, it's a bad idea. best thing you can do for your kid is keep the away from drugs and raise them to NOT get married and have children. Period.
Hmm, this is a tough one. With the internet and phones, parents need to keep their kids safe. There is a big world of predators out there.
Surely it's the job of the parent to teach their child the dangers of life and how to be a decent human being. If you suspect your child is taking drugs seek help, if you suspect your child of age inappropriate sexual behaviours seek help. As others have said a child will lie and hide things from you and become ever distant. You gave them life and you have to give them the tools to be able to live it and then you have to trust them.
That's a very naive perspective, you can give your children ALL the tools you want, and you definitely should, however trusting they'll make the right choices or react the correct way is completely opposed to what we know about a child's brain... we KNOW that children/teens have UNDERDEVELOPED prefrontal cortex... the RATIONAL part of the brain so they make decisions with their amygdala which is the EMOTIONAL part of the brain... so you can hope all you want they'll make the right choices but it's a toss up. This has nothing to do with lack of trust in them, it's more knowing that their brains are not yet FULLY capable of good judgment and understanding that it is ultimately your job to keep them safe.
Load More Replies...This is how kids build up an arsenal of weapons and hone their bomb making skills. Privacy to a point, but you need to keep an eye on things, ie, parent your child.
See, when I was growing up, this was not a problem. Now, parents have been browbeaten into seeing monsters everywhere. And, unfortunately, monsters have more ability to "interact" with kids. You cannot control their lives and doing so just makes them want to do what you told them not to do.
oh my god if my room had no door id die (not cuz i do anything bad but because I enjoy privacy)
It's not that she doesn't trust you. The world is much much bigger than you and you can't see that yet. She's trying to protect you. One day you'll have kids and understand that. If you remain bitter about it and carry that into your own parenthood, hopefully you won't do the opposite and let your kids parent themselves.
Load More Replies...Sorry, not sorry. I was the mom who took off the bedroom door and removed everything non essential from my out of control teen. She earned her non essentials back and eventually the door. She is now a well adjusted adult who values other peoples property & privacy. I would say a successful lesson learned.
i have always and still do have a tracking app on my phone its not that my parents don't trust me they don't trust other people they also sat me down and said if I didn't want the tracking app I can delete it off my phone I keep it there but only turn it on when I need to
my dad is always coming into my room and looking at what I'm doing on my computer. he says that he needs to know about EVERYTHING I'm doing, as if playing some occasional Roblox will kill me
I'm not even allowed to be alone in a room even with the door open. I am shamed everytime I do it.
I agree. We have an honesty policy in my house. If you are honest with me you will have my respect and trust, if you lie, you will not. It applies to me with them as well. I did set up cameras in my living room kitchen area this year so I could check in with my youngest and help him while at work. He is aware of the cameras. No other rooms are monitored at all.
Tracking their movements is not invading their privacy. Mobile phones were a relatively new thing when I was a kid. My parents would just let me go out wherever I wanted, the only condition was that I tell her where I was going. This was so that if she needed to find me for any reason, she could, but also it's a starting point if I went missing. I don't know if you've ever lived in a city that has suffered a terrorist attack, but when that happens, if you know your kid is in the local park and not at that shopping centre or town centre... Sometimes not knowing where your kid is is more scary than knowing what they could be doing.
I disagree with the cel phone checker being a bad thing to do. Teenagers do stupid dangerous things . If they are suffering from something like bullying , often times they won't tell a parent. We live in a world with really bad people that have so many ways of reaching your child. It doesn't hurt to check , and not be intrusive and read every little thing. But scan and see if you spot a buzzword like drugs , love him, kill myself . Then read the few sentences around it , and nothing else . I consider it protection. Also, once I was sure of my kids' ability to be safe and not engage in something that will harm her , I just check in by asking them occasionally. My middle child has always been exceptionally honest , and has good sense of what is not appropriate . I rarely check anything of hers farther than asking her who've you been hanging out with online.
This is a dilemma. On the one hand, kids need their privacy; on the other hand, parents need to make sure they aren't getting into any danger. Teach kids how to steer clear of trouble, and as they get more responsible, back off.
They get as much privacy as their behavior allows. And if you do read their diary .... don't tell them about it ! :)
My cousin has a younger brother who doesn’t respect her privacy. Her parents refused to let her lock doors so she can’t even have privacy when changing without worrying her brother might walk in. She also has to give him all her passwords or else her phone will be taken but he will read her messages and ruin friendships by sending messages on her phone.
The TV show The Fosters addressed this issue very well - the parents took away the doors, it was a pretty insightful view on the pros and cons to this and how the balance of trust works within families.
I might add it's so dangerous to give privacy to a young child. Give your child privacy on thier devices and you won't be disappointed at how much your trust in them gets violated. Bring on the downvotes. Parenting is SUPERVISION! Watch a doco on awaking parents to the reality of kids in today's connected world called Childhood 2.0, it'll show you how dangerous it is to trust your kids with thier privacy. My grandaughter showed me a vid of her two friends having sex, they re 10 year old girls. She said thier dad's are ok with it because she's bi. They're 10. I set my watch on it he doesn't know that vid has just circulated to 1000 students. If parental controls had been set on thier phones, they would have known before the entire school.
That's child pornography and a huge red flag for abuse. Call the authorities.
Load More Replies...Telling little boys that they cant defend themselves against a girl who is hitting them just because theyre a girl. Thats bs, i was taught to fight back no matter who attacks you. Theres no gender in mutual combat.
EXACTLY. I remember being hit by a boy in kindergarten, and the teacher told him he couldn't hit me because I was a girl. I was FURIOUS. 'I've got a right to be hit! I WANT TO BE HIT!' Long story short, my parents got called in along with the parents of the boy and there was a whole thing about it.
Invalidating their kids' emotions, be it ignoring or shutting them down.
"Stop f*****g crying or I will slap you" one or my dads greatest hits
Making a child eat everything on their plate if they say they aren't hungry anymore. Do you want you kid to have an eating disorder? No, then don't because that's how you can cause one.
That said, you have to allow that parents do know their children and they do know when a child 'isn't hungry' because they have a standard main course and can't be bothered, but half an hour later are going to be whining in the kitchen because they're hungry and can they just have some biscuits or crisps. There's a balancing act, this is why parenting is harding than it looks on the surface.
Forced affection.
This is controversial (especially here in America) but I feel like we say “I love you” way too much to the point it loses its meaning. My dad (who was extremely emotionally abusive) used to force me to say the words “I love you daddy” to him, in private and in front of other people. By nature I have never been an affectionate person, especially in front of others. I don’t like to hug and kiss a lot.
I also don’t believe in making children hug people. If the child wants to hug them, they will. It shouldn’t be forced.
I have an acquaintance whose son's answer to being told "no" is "I love you", like that should change the answer to yes.
Comparing them to their siblings. The good old, 'Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?' does nothing for their self-esteem and really can keep them from becoming their own person. That's all they should be anyway — themselves, not their siblings.
I refused to be like my brother in school simply for that reason. My parents always used that line on me and I HATED it. Not just because my brother was a huge d**k head and a bully.
The old “as long as I’m feeding you, clothing you, you’ll do what i say!” Or the “just be grateful i put a roof over your head”.
Specially If your parents constantly use that sentence to boss you around, disregard your opinions and wants, and belittle you. You didn’t asked to be born. And it’s their obligation to take care of you, not something they should loom over your head as leverage.
Isn’t it crazy how some parents have this mentality? It never even crossed my mind when I had my kids, did everything I was supposed to do, especially the essentials.
I’m not sure if this is “normal” or just something I see online.. but mums pulling the “just wait till dad gets home” card. Why would you want your kids to be afraid of their dad? And why should the dad have to play bad cop all the time? The last thing I want is my partner coming home from work and yelling at the kids for me.
Yes! My parents always yell at me together. It's a team job. But it does have the effect of alienating neither of them. And I get my own back when it's my turn to lay the table--I give them sporks instead of forks.
Overly accommodating and praising children.
My sister always excelled in academics and was also an accomplished pianist in high school. My parents didn’t make her do any of the chores I had to in order to 'preserve her hands for piano.' Her excellence at school, in clubs, and with piano also kind of led to her being constantly praised by people around her. Now, in her mid-twenties, she lacks basic life skills (cooking, cleaning, and even self-cleaning) and is unable to take any criticism, no matter how small.
I was chastised because I was teaching my younger brother how to wash clothes and prepare meals after our mom died. He was only twelve, but I was ten years older. I felt like he deserved a boost to be able to fend for himself and clean up after himself.
Not explaining their decisions. Like, 'You have to do this because I'm your mom/dad, and I say so. End of discussion!' Instead, you can bring your kids on board with sooo many of the decisions you make for them if you take the time to explain your reasoning to them. Kids understand more than a lot of parents think — just give them a chance.
There is a small step before explaining EVERYTHING about your decisions - sometimes you have to make a decision because otherwise your electricity will be cut off, and telling the truth will unnecessarily cause your child to worry about the household finances when they are much too young to grasp every nuance or be able to do a damn thing about it and becomes one of those people who watches every single penny well into adulthood even though they have a good job and a comfortable life. Sometimes "because" is the right answer to protect a child.
Making your female children change clothes when male family members come over.
wait what do people even do this??? I was only told to change if I was in PJ's!
Taking away things that the child has earned for themselves. If your kid is old enough to work and use that money to purchase something for themselves than it's thiers and you have no right to take it. I don't care if it's a car or a playstation 5.
Same thing with the money itself. Just because your kid is old enough to work and bring home a paycheck doesn't mean you're entitled to that money. I personally had to open up a brand new bank account the day I turned 18 because my mother helped herself to over $700 of my money. When I confronted her she basically told me "[screw] you I'm the adult on the account so it's my money too!"
Happened in another way to my brother and me too. We inherited from an aunt each 2000 €. Parents never gave even a cent and spent all on debts them had run up. My brother was 15, I was 18.
Forcing your children to give family members that make them uncomfortable, hugs and kisses. Additionally inviting family who actively distress your kid to your house to stay for an extended period and forcing the kid to be nice and interact.
If a kid doesn't want to hugged by someone they should be able to say "No thank you, I don't want to hug." And the adults can deal with their own offence/embarassment/ discomfort/ rejection. The burden of managing the feelings and reactions of adults should not be placed on the shoulders of a socially anxious ten year old.
Giving in when your child is being difficult. It teaches them all they have to do to get what they want is throw a fit. You're encouraging more difficult behavior.
The correct way to handle it is sit in whatever storm they whip up. Stay calm and hold the boundary.
My son used to throw huge tantrums when he was little. I always did the same thing: looked into his eyes, told him I loved him very much, stand next to him and let him cry. I never caved. I never yelled at him. I just let him have his feelings and when he was done, we'd do whatever it was we were doing. Worked like a charm.
Invalidating their emotions just bc they're children, Cruel jokes ab their physical appareance or behaviour
Saying anything along the lines of 'just be happy.' Like thanks, my depression is cured — especially since depression runs in my family on both sides.
THIS. Mental illnesses aren't just 'being sad' and 'being happy' isn't some kind of internal switch you can flick. See a therapist who knows what they're doing and take their advice. Also, eat chocolate. It encourages the production of endorphins. Also chocolate.
Gaslighting their children into believing things that are simply not true in order to defend themselves.
You mean like telling them that people working in the fastfood industry do not deserve to earn a livable wage and they are some sort of lower species that doesn't deserve any respect at all.
Being overly involved in your childs life. I'm talking about relationships. Your child should have their own relationships without the parent acting like the third wheel, and seeking validation from the friends or partner too. Being involved is a good thing, but when you are so invested in their relationships too it can be damaging to your kid and their future relationships.
Letting one sibling bully another and turning a blind eye, with the philosophy that they should work everything out for themselves. Punishing both siblings equally when one is 3 years older, much larger, much stronger, much more verbally sophisticated and adept at manipulation, and when the younger one complains, shutting them up by saying, "Well, did he put a gun to your head?"
That's how you teach a kid to be a victim.
Another side to it: the older sibling by 7 years gets her first record player. 5 year old sister gets exact same record player because "you have to be fair".
Not necessarily personal experience, but I do think it's absurd how often parents will speak of their own child as "spoiled" for having all kinds of nice possessions like video game systems, cell phones, cars, as if that wasn't entirely the parent's choice. If you don't think your kid should have those things for free, then don't buy them for the kid. Don't shower gifts on your child and then act like the child is a bad person for owning them.
People have this obnoxious reactionary/conservative tendency to speak automatically about kids as if they're brats who don't appreciate the nice things they have. People look at a place full of 13-year-olds with expensive phones in their pockets and act like it's the downfall of society. It's just assumed, based on nothing, that all those 13-year-olds must be ungrateful and entitled and believe they automatically deserve an expensive phone.
I feel this. One of my friends has severe depression and at one point she and I were travelling on a bus together. She was crying over her phone because her teacher had given her back an assignment she spent ages on and she'd got a terrible grade. I was comforting her, and this old guy yelled at us 'I don't believe your generation! No one here cares if you broke up with your boyfriend! Quit inflicting your noise on the rest of us!' So I yelled back at him, which only made my friend cry harder. We got off the bus a stop early and walked the rest of the way home.
Listening solely to other parents for advice. My mom listened to my grandmother instead of taking me to a psychiatrist. It wasn’t “a phase” it was autism and OCD. Now I’m in my 20s with trauma from the way my mental health was disregarded and autism leaving me more vulnerable to abuse. I’m left to navigate by myself.
Threatening to take away things and 50% of the time never actually doing it. Leads kids to live in a state of being unsure of what will happen. Take the thing away or don't.
ikr, like when i was a kid and my parents used to do this a lot, I just never thought of it as a punishment anymore because i knew it wouldnt happen.
Having kids before you've gone to therapy to address your own childhood trauma, as this just causes undue trauma on the kids
I have issues with my stepmother and I feel as though I would not pass that down if i had kids knowing this pain that it has caused.
Lying/making up answers to questions that the adult doesn't think the child should know yet. Personally, I believe if a child asks a question he/she should be given a factual answer. Old enough to wonder about something is old enough to know the truth in my book. If you don't feel comfortable answering the question or don't think you should then say that instead of giving some make believe answer like babies come from storks. I watched a lot of discovery Channel and national geographic as a kid and at one point saw how birds reproduced, but still believed for many years that chickens reproduced by the rooster coming along and sitting on the egg after the hen lays it just because some soccer mom in car pool said that one day when another kid asked.
When I found my mum's pads in the bathroom bin when I was little and asked her about it, she gave me a perfectly age-appropriate explanation for periods and I was perfectly happy. No need to make up a ridiculous story or anything. Just be straightforward. Take it from a stranger on the internet with no kids.
spanking kids
all it does is teach kids to fear you/getting caught instead of them understanding why what they did is bad. i've seen all sorts of studies suggesting it has an effect similar to abuse.
like if a kid isn't old enough to understand reasoning, they also won't understand why you're hitting them. if they're old enough to understand reasoning, just use reasoning instead.
it just seems lazy, and portrays a harmful example of how to resolve conflicts
Exactly. I started fabricated more lies that made sense and reason and they believed me. I never got caught. But then I realized that the problem wasn't getting caught, it was me doing the lies. So I talked to my dad about it, and he stopped the spanking and now resorts to leaving me to my own device and intervening when things get hectic.
"I didn't raise you to believe in that/act like that/ etc."
My mom has this deep rooted belief that anything and everything her grown-ass adult children do is STILL a reflection of her parenting. You can tell she really cares about what other parents think of her own parenting. Cares a little too much. This mentality is bad for both the parent and the kids.
Far as I am concerned, once I am an adult, any choices I make or new morals I develop are 100% of my own decision making process. They do not reflect my mother's parenting at all. I wish she'd quit beating herself up when me or any of my siblings reveal we did something or believe something that she didn't teach us when we were children. And I wish she'd stop caring about what other people think of her parenting. Mom, all 4 of your kids graduated high school. 2 graduated college, 3 are married (same 3 have kids), and none of them have ever been arrested or abused drugs. You did good, Mom. Relax and enjoy your growing family.
Oh yes. "My Children Are My Mirror" narcissistic parent syndrome. Ugh. My dad was like that. Ugh.
Less of a parenting tactic and more of a tactic parents use: contriving a video (featuring their kid) to post to social media. It's super common, and I don't understand how so many people are fooled into thinking they're genuine.
Threatening to leave them somewhere if they don't come with you at once. Either you're not going to follow through on it, at which point they learn to not trust your word, or you *do* leave them, and prove to them that your love is conditional and capricious.
The classic "Stop being dramatic!" I was told this a lot. It tought me to bottle up my emotions with the other things my parents said like "No one cares how you feel" or "Get over your self!" Idk if this is me specific but my Mom is HELLA emotionally and mentally abusive and constantly manipulates others in my family to defend her when ever she was being called out for her [stuff]. The only reason I haven't taken a bath with a toaster yet is because of one of my brothers who was also heavily abused by her.
OP, please seek out someone safe to talk with about your feelings. The mentioning of self-harm is a clear warning sign that you are in need. Your regard for your brother is admirable but please do the work that will help you view yourself as worthy and necessary on your own account. Best of luck to you.
I find it weird when people brag about how their parents beat them as a child. They view it as a prestigious thing. I guess I’m too “privileged” to understand.
Using the police or the threat there of to controll your child. All that does Is lead to fear of the police and a lack of respect for anyone who can throw you in jail.
Telling your kids that they should be grateful just because they were brought into the world. It wasn't up to the kid, so you shouldn't hold that over their head.
Also spanking, it just makes kids more likely to lie to parents and builds resentment.
In my culture, it has sadly become normal to put people down to achieve what they want. My mom even uses it on me while she didn't do that when I was a child (I think). And I'm 27!
I'm not sure what this means. Do you mean putting people down for achieving what they want? Or do you mean trying to make the child achieve what the parent wants?
Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
Load More Replies...Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
Load More Replies..."I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
Load More Replies...This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
Load More Replies...Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies..."Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
Load More Replies...Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
Load More Replies...I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
Load More Replies...Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
Load More Replies...When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
Load More Replies...Emphasizing how big of a burden your children are, saying how much work you have to do to provide for them.
And yet you never asked for this life you have. That was their decision.
Load More Replies...Forcing your abusive religion on your children. No child should ever be told they're going to hell. Implying mental health issues are because of "sin". Denying mental health issues even exist and if they do then said child can't possibly have any because they're just naughty and dramatic. religion should be banned anyway.
When I was seven years old, I was told that my mother was going to Hell. (My parents have never been together, so I’m raised by both.) I can’t pull any direct quotes, but basically the gist of what they were saying was “you’ll be so happy worshipping the Lord in Heaven that you’ll forget about her.” It was either that, or that “she still has time to change.” I managed to hold it in in front of my Sunday School teacher, but that night I cried. I’ve been atheist since.
Load More Replies..."I spent a lot of money raising you, it's a loan and I expect to be paid back" is something I've been told growing up. We're poor, extremely poor because my father abandoned us so my mother wracked up a lot of debt to raise me but she always made sure Inknew exactly how much that debt was and how long it will take her to pay it off without my help. She would always tell me that if she dies before the debt is paid, I will still have to pay it off for her. Any extra pocket money I made as a child, I would hand it all over to her because I felt guilty for existing. I grew up feeling like she would have been happier if I was never born or if I died. At the ripe old age of 16, I started making plans and researching how to kill myself. I would submerge myself into a bathtub full of water and stay under until I started spasming from needing to breathe before surfacing. Luckily I never really went through with any of my attempts but her holding that debt over my head really did a number on my mental health
I wish you best of luck for getting past this, and to find happyness. Children owe their parents nothing – and I say that as a Father myself. What we can hope for is love – if we as parents loved unconditionally.
Load More Replies...This is oddly specific to me, but when dealing with grades and report cards and such, my parents would give me hell for my low math scores,and ignore any high scores I got in other classes( history, biology, science ) because " Your good at those and enjoy the subject, so they don't count." Just because I did well doesn't mean I didn't work for it. My parents tried to punish multiplication tables into me...Turns out I have a difficulty understanding math. All the spankings and groundings that I got for not reciting them on demand would have never helped.
Not specific to you. I got beat for a B in phys ed but my other marks were straight A. All it taught me was terror of the day my grades were sent to my parents.
Load More Replies...Teaching a child to identify with a group according to their skin color or their sexual preference rather than their unique values, dreams and loves.
"My house, my rules", punishing me for being left-handed; being taller (6ft) than an adult at 15; not being allowed to have my bedroom or bathroom door closed as a teenager; punished for things my younger siblings did because I was responsible for their behaviour, or expecting me to "set a good example" because I'm the oldest. My mom never protected me from being abused by my stepfather. Never pick anyone or anything over your kids!
Fam this is low key me now just without my step dad abusing me (and I’m a short af 13 yo)
Load More Replies..."Mommy juice" to cope with parenting. Your kids will know sooner than later their mom wasn't sober much of the time because she couldn't handle raising kids without alcohol. Saying "Don't get smart with me." Usually followed with "Smarten up!" Parents, it's okay to allow your kids to teach you something they've figured out.
Yes, this. When my son was born I promised he'd never see me drunk. And he hasn't at almost 17. He's seen his grandparents drunk though. That was fun for all of us.
Load More Replies...Using s**t/whore all types.of s**t shaming language towards your daughter as if you're taking about the weather. I brought you in ri this world I can take you out nonsense. Any type of narcissism or feelings of grandeur. If you're like this, just don't have kids. Ever.
To all the comments saying that these points are judge mental and you don't know what it's like...I do know what it's like. I am a parent. Have been for 18 years. No,not a perfect one. No one is perfect. I've made some mistakes and bad calls. But the points in these posts and comments go from bad all the way to physical and mental abuse. Just because that's how you were raised and you " turned out fine" doesn't mean it's ok to treat people like that. What you think is "fine" may be someone else's "mal-adjusted alcoholic with anger issues". But to the point, I am in those shoes, and I've made mistakes, but nothing as bad as a lot of these.
there are some things that need fixing in life and parenting, but I see parenting as this "if what you are doing, is the best for your child, doesn't cause mental problems, and helps your child to grow in the world, who is to say that you are a bad parent?" yes, I know my opinion will get downvotes but, sometimes you have to consider the background of some people, sometimes they are raised in a certain way, sometimes they talk advice from people but one thing is for sure, there will be bad advice but the important thing is that you can make your child feels that they are protected and loved. thanks for reading my opinion.
when you hurt or sick and they say your faking it just get attention,
Well, sometimes my son says his feet hurt to get out of soccer practise, but he's just lazy, lol. I usually let it slide.
Load More Replies...I hope I am not the only one that thinks majority of these seems to be written by kids or people without kids. Few are good points but most are absurd.
Don't tell them you'll give them up for adoption if they don't behave as you want them to, don't lock them into their room just because you're overwhelmed, be able to apologize, don't gaslight to hide your mistakes, don't have kids if you're unable to regulate your own emotions. Just... Don't have kids at all if you're mentally unstable, it'll only hurt them.
Gee thanx Not like my struggles with depression dont already make me feel guilty enough now I’m being told I should never have had kids as I’m just hurting them
Load More Replies...Parents are just people, they don't automatically gain knowledge and experience from giving birth to kids and raising them. I don't know why some moms like to say "you should have a kid yourself so you know." Well, it seems you don't either! People always make mistakes and parents do too. Also, stop glorifying parents as if they are some kind of heroes. Having a child is completely the person's own decision based on their own wants in most developed countries. I see a lot of adults with kids who can't even take care of their own problems. Ignorance is acceptable only when you are trying to learn to improve. You are responsible for someone's life and health. Take full responsibility until the kid reaches young adulthood, do the job right. If you can't, plan ahead and don't have a kid!
If only we had the energy and patience to all take heed. But eh, we parents are people too and teenagers can push you quite close to the point where the only way to get through seems to be to match their ar$ehole-ology.
That's a bad attitude to have. I know raising kids is hard and thankless but relegating it to the "it's too hard" basket and not trying to be better is not ok. None of these suggestions cost anything. Most are simple attitude shifts. If you can't refrain from being an ahole to a child with a developing brain then rethink? Yes i get you're human and not perfect and teens are a lot but we owe it to our kids to be better and at least try before getting defensive and shutting these suggestions down.
Load More Replies...When parents don't get their kids evaluated for autism/adhd ect because "its just a label"
‘That could have been you’ attacking your children for their choices can be very damaging to their mental health. Your kids should be allowed to make their own choices.
My favorite overheard in a restaurant ----> behave or I'll call the police and they will put you in jail...
Hello there! Sorry in advance for this rant but I do want to talk. I do feel that my parents are manipulative. I feel bad for some resentment I have and I'm not sure if it's valid. Basically, I'll just go through some things that my parents have done. They have been so strict with everything, and grades especially, I'm afraid to come home with so much as a low B. They'll be very judgemental about so many things that I'm afraid to express myself. I came out to them as bisexual, but as I've gotten older I've noticed that they're pretty homophobic, to say the least. When I told my mum she had to (and continues to) ask for confirmation that I "still like boys" and that I'm not a lesbian. As well as talking s**t about NB's and trans people. They always judge people for not being "normal". Just brushing me off whenever I question my mental health state. And recently, going off at me and calling me useless. There's more but I can't recall. I love them, but... Am I just being immature? help!
I hate it when parents said “I raised you and gave you a roof over your head so you should do this for me” like it wasn’t my choice to exist-
"I got my bottom tanned, too, when I was being unruly. Taught me respect and certainly didn't leave lasting damage". Yes, because finding it okay to be violent to a much smaller being and telling them it'll "hurt me more than you" is totally fine...
Divorced parents who let their new partner move in and expect their kids to like this person. Choosing sex over your children is ugly and selfish.
...i think this thread is kind of toxic. I imagine its harder being a parent than a high pressure job. So much judging.
No one is expecting parents to be perfect - just to think about the effect their decisions will have on their child, rather than blindly doing what they feel like.
Load More Replies...