As associate professor at Columbia Business School Dr. Michael Slepian pointed out in his research, the real problem with keeping a secret is not that you have to hide it, but that you have to live with it, and think about it.
In fact, secrecy is associated with lower well-being, worse health, and less satisfying relationships — studies have linked secrecy to increased anxiety, depression, symptoms of poor health, and even the more rapid progression of disease.
Luckily, a recent Reddit thread offered people a chance to take off some of the weight they had been carrying on their shoulders. Created by platform user Amerisbf, it asked everyone to anonymously share a secret that could tear their entire family apart if it got out. And many did.
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Everyone thought I was miserable on thanksgiving. The reality is that I was sober and dealing with all the triggers for the first time in 10 years. I’ve been nearly blacked out drunk for every family holiday since I was like 17 or 18.
I won a large amount of money (high 6 figures). If I tell them they'll demand I give them some
We contacted the author of the post, Amerisbf, who was kind enough to share more insights about the now-viral thread and provided a glimpse into its genesis.
"When I got the idea for it, I was at work," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "It's a job in the fast-food industry, and I was stationed at the back window. The monotony of the job made me bored out of my mind, so I tried to come up with something that would resonate with people and initiate a conversation."
And they picked a fitting topic for it—we constantly gossip. In fact, a 2019 meta-analysis published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science found that, on average, people engage in it for 52 minutes.
My sister and father both did ancestry dna testing. Found some new relatives because my dad was adopted. When I mentioned I would do it a well my mother got very defensive and out right mad demanding I swear I won’t do it. I don’t look anything like my dad. Gonna be a wild Xmas this year when I get the results back of my test I did behind everyone’s back.
I have bought my parents house and their two city apartments. My siblings are unaware of this. Letting my folks live in the house for free and told them to spend the money for things they actually want to do and not leave any inheritance to any of us. My siblings don’t deserve a s**t and I’m fine with them hating me(feeling is mutual) but told my folks to keep it secret for their own sake. Gonna be fun when my parents leave this world, that [drama] is gonna be epic.
"[drama] is going to be epic". Yupp. My wife's step-mum had a huge falling out with her sister when their parents died, as they (the parents) had been living for twenty-odd years in a house that she owned but had let them live in since she remarried. The sister somehow didn't know and refused to believe that she had no right to the house or anything in it. They never really got over it.
Though they tried for years to convince me my father was the scum of the earth horrible evil person, they were actually the problem and he's a great guy.
However, we shouldn't vilify the act. According to the research, three-quarters of our gossip is actually neutral. One subject, for example, spoke about someone who was watching a lot of movies to stay current. It's something that comes very naturally to us; an integral part of conversation, information sharing, and even community building.
Just a small portion of our conversations—around 15%—are deemed negative gossip (though positive gossip amounted to an even smaller portion, at only 9%). So, while it is true that we can spend a significant amount of time talking about our peers, oftentimes that chatter is... kinda boring.
My Grandma is absolutely the “Alpha” in the relationship between my Grandparents. They had three sons, and their oldest being my Uncle named “Paul”. There are very few moments that we get to talk to my Grandfather alone due to my Grandma always speaking over him and for him. This one time my Grandma was in the hospital due to a recent surgery. Grandpa was talking to us in the Hallway and so we asked how did they choose the names of our dad (middle child). He explained why, but then told us a secret about how he came up naming their first son. When he just moved to California he fell in love with this one girl, and while their relationship didn’t work out he still had a piece of him that still loved her. Her last name was “Paul” and he liked that name so he named his FIRST BORN SON after her and never told my Grandma about it.
Not this thread, though. Amerisbf was interested in the juicy stuff, the secrets that could potentially tear families apart. It's interesting to note how a seemingly mundane moment at work led to the creation of a space where people felt compelled to unburden themselves with deeply personal experiences.
"After going through the discussion, I noticed that a few topics have become considerably more popular than the rest," the Redditor said. "They're either of a violent or sexual nature."
Among more than 50,000 research participants Dr. Michael Slepian has surveyed, the most common secrets include a lie we've told (69 percent), romantic desire (61 percent), sex (58 percent), and finances (58 percent).
My girlfriend was in dental school and needed patients. My step dad volunteered and checked the HIV/AIDS box. She asked if it was a mistake and he smiled and said "nope. And you can't tell anyone due to hipaa". Turns out he cheated on my mom back in 2015 and contracted the virus. I still don't know if my mom is positive because if I bring it up he will 100% come after my now wife for her career/money.
My bio parents don't know that I refer to them as "bio parents" most of the time and that another pair of humans, I consider to be my real parents.
That's what happens when you neglect and emotionally abuse your kid and *lowers glasses at bio Mom* tell me at age 14 you never wanted me.
My Dad has pretty much been in the closet all his 86 years. Me, my wife and daughter are the only family that knows, and it would be a monumental, epic [drama] with the conservative family if it was known.
I look like a mixture of my uncle (by marriage) and my mother. I don't have a genetic condition my sister does, even though I definitely should. When I brought this up to my mother she avoided the question.
So this wouldn't tear my immediate family apart, but it could hurt some people. I have an uncle who is a thieving, sociopathic, narcissistic piece of garbage. Hes almost in his 70s now but has kids peppered all over the country. Who knows how many, but of all the kids we know about, Just one doesn't know she's his daughter. She was adopted and raised by her stepdad and never told any different. She also just so happens to be a teacher at my kids school. It's really weird seeing her everyday and knowing she's my cousin but I can't say anything. And she looks just like him too.
My sibling and I are the sole heirs of my grandparents. They are not our actual grandparents and never had kids, so no one can dispute their decision. I have lots of cousins.
My grandpa secretly changed his will that me and my two cousins will get the lion‘s share of his heritage. My father and my aunt, both went no contact with my grandpartents, are only getting the legally required potion.
Not so much a secret as much as everyone in my family choosing to ignore the obvious.
My grandparents recently passed away- grandmother about two years ago, grandfather less than a year later. When we were putting together the obituary, we noticed that the time span between when they were married and when my mother was born was…. Considerably less than nine months.
The younger generations obviously don’t care, but my parents, aunts, uncles, etc. refuse to acknowledge it, and even went as far as changing their date of marriage in the newspaper obituary.
My grandparents married Dec 9. My mother was born the following April. It was never talked about, but my mom knew
My oldest aunt had a baby before her “only child” and gave him up for adoption. I’ve met him, he’s lovely. I’ve tried to tell her, but she has ignored and worked to isolate me from the family.
I’ve kept her secret.
Her husband was in Vietnam when it happened.
It wasn’t his baby.
Given that the adopted child is doing well, the aunt did good giving him up. What she shouldn't have done is trying to isolate OP from the family. There are people less morally inclined who would have held the aunt's secret above her head like the sword of Damocles, ready to drop.
Some cousins got their aunt a 23&me for her birthday. The cousins found out their dad and their aunt have different dads.
I met my blood family when I was around 16. Around 18 I found out that there is a family member with special needs of some kind, although I’m not sure who’s child it is, where they are, or what their exact condition is. However upon me asking about her, after she contacted me via social media, I was simply told “We don’t really talk about her, kind of a family rule.” That’s all I have been and will be told, and I haven’t heard from her or from them about her for years.
My grandparents cheated on each other at different points in time. The results are that I have an uncle who is a decade younger than me, but they may not be biologically related to me since my grandfather may not be biologically my grandfather. I am the only one who knows this as both have told me and only me
Reminds me of the old joke about a woman in the confessional; "Father, my husband cheats on me so much, I'm not sure all my children are his."
My mom’s side of the family believes in airing it all out. There’s not a secret than hasn’t been told. However, my dad’s side…my half siblings don’t know that our dad had an affair when he was first married to my sister’s mom and possibly had another child in Germany (where he was stationed) that would be around my sister’s age.
My grandmother is really my aunt.
Potential explanation: Older sister raises younger sister, then younger sister has a baby. The baby knows the older sister as "grandma."
That I question my existence at least daily. I despise taking care of everyone's needs, while mine are neglected. My husband is great, but he's part of the problem. He often expects too much from me.
My mother has actively cheated on my father multiple times. Me and my sister think it's only online for the most part but at least once she slept with some who was living with them at the time a few years ago.
Emotional affairs, such as online affairs, are frequently more damaging than a physical one. It could be argued "I was drunk" or some such thing, but giving away your heart takes active participation over a period of time, and is, IMHO, a greater betrayal of trust.
My mother was a serial cheater and my middle sister was extremely attached to her. Both my parents are dead(and were divorced by the time I found out, but it went on for YEARS), I don’t know if dad ever found out, but I hope she never does. It’ll crush her beyond repair.
I keep hearing my grandpa has a second family that he’s been hiding for 60+ years but no one will talk about it with me. I’m 30M and could care less as this point I’m just curious that my mom has other siblings out there I guess
A couple of years ago, my family and I met up with my parents/grandma/siblings and their families at a big beach house in North Myrtle Beach for family vacation. I had gotten really into my ancestry and was doing all kinds of research on top doing the little DNA kits and all that stuff. These ancestry services link you to folks who you share common ancestry with “So-so is your 4th cousin.” Yada yada.
I was sharing some fun harmless findings with my dad, oldest brother, and grandma out on the deck, and then I bring up how I thought it was odd that 3 of my cousins born to my dads older brother were popping up as my “2nd or 3rd cousins”; the middle daughter in that trio had her ancestry stuff done through the same service as me so her profile was linked to mine immediately. So I say “Why does ‘H’ show up as a 2nd/3rd cousin if she’s my 1st cousin? Uncle B’s daughters should be my 1st cousins.”
Grandma gets up without a word and walks into the house and right to her room. My oldest brother and dad share a look between each other where I could tell they were both on the same wavelength about something I was oblivious too, and my dad says “Well I guess that answers that question.”
My oldest brother ( who is 11 years older than me and is from my dads first marriage) let’s me in on the family rumor that had been circulating long before I was born: When my late grandfather was overseas serving in the Korean War, it is alleged that my grandma, who was still just my grandpa’s girlfriend at the time, got pregnant with Uncle B by another man. Some ex from her high school days whose name my dad seemed to remember being brought up in arguments between his parents when he was a kid. My grandpa came home from the war, they got married immediately and I guess the math of when Uncle B was born and when my grandpa came home lined up just enough to make it believable that Uncle B was indeed my grandpas 1st born son. But Uncle B looks NOTHING like my dad and the other 2 brothers. He’s short and has a different look to him whereas my dad and his younger brothers are all tall behemoths of men whom resemble each other and their dad. I never thought of it before but now when I look at photos I can’t help but notice just how different Uncle B appears in comparison.
My ancestry discovery and my grandmothers reaction to it basically gave that rumor steady legs to stand on. And we have not spoken about it since that night. Only my dad, brother and I 100% know. And at this point we see no reason to bring it to light.
Edit: In addition, my cousin ‘H’ has her ancestry profile set to private so I can’t see her “tree” but if she did her dna/ancestry thing too I’m sure she has discovered the truth as well. So I’m assuming at least she knows as well that her dad has a different dad than my grandpa
Why on earth wpuld someone do a dna test is beyond me. I've never heard of anything positive coming off it and meanwhile, some shady company has your dna profile and by extension, part of all your ascendants, descendants and siblings....
The sheer amount of s**t my family talks behind each other's backs. I'm the youngest of the family and no one thinks I listen, so I've heard EVERYTHING. it's out of the good grace of my heart that I keep it to myself. I have so much blackmail and use none of it. a shame really.
Edit: some of you have asked for the juicy details, so here's a few of the best tidbits:
- The entire family thinks my cousin is an irresponsible dumpster fire and that his Fiancée is too good for him. Yes, you read that right, everyone likes the FIANCEE more than the family member. YIKES.
- Absolutely everyone hates my dad's parents. We all barely tolerate them for the inheritance. Everyone's hoping they kick it sooner rather than later. It'd certainly make the holidays more pleasant.
- My aunt is cheap as they come. There's a running joke that if any one of us will be a millionaire, it'll be her. Almost never pays for herself and she's still single and has been for decades. The family's accepted she'll probably die single at this rate. My family also has a weird problem with her living in a condo at 48 for some reason.
- I'm not often there for the gossip about my own family for obvious reasons, but I can only assume much of it revolves around how my mom deserves a better husband than my dad.
edit 2: since there has been a multitude of misunderstandings, let me be clear: no, I don't gossip about my friends, no I don't think living in a condo is bad, no I don't enjoy the constant tension, and no I won't share any more personal details about the situation. My poor sweet inbox, you have been abused.
Idk about tearing the family apart but I’m pretty sure my estranged older half brother, ~20 years older than me, and his daughter tried to wrangle me into some sort of scam. They had both recently gotten out of state prison after doing short stints for drugs. While they were in the slammer my dad’s mom passed away. My dad had already passed and he was an only child. My grandma had like 3 different life insurance policies that were all paid out according to her wishes, that I know of. Well my dad’s will was never legally executed and therefore my brother couldn’t get any info/payment from my grandma’s will/life insurance since my dad wasn’t named in them since he had passed. I think they were trying to sue one of the insurance policies stating that the policy hadn’t been paid out. Well they needed my signature to execute my dad’s will since I’m named as a child in it so they could have the legal basis to sue. What they didn’t anticipate was that I worked for my local sheriffs office at the time. I listened to their b******t a*s dumb inmate story then called the law firm they had “hired” to make all of this happen. His story was stupid af too. So I got all the info I needed then started making calls. I called the insurance company and the lady I talked to was soo nice. She gave me a few well timed hints and suggestions on who I should call next and told me what she could legally tell me about my grandmother’s policy. Made some more phone calls then called my brother back to get his story again…which still didn’t make sense so I told him what all I had found out and they dropped the whole matter all of a sudden.
Good for you. The old saying trust but verify in this incident is more like don't trust and verify.
I had a suspicion that my mom was cheating on my dad about 8 months before she left him—for the other dude. But I was drinking at the time (at a bar with mom) and questioned what I’d seen, and I didn’t have proof.
My grandparents will- they’ve left my mum there house and are fully leaving out there other kids. It’s going to be chaos when it all comes out. They did write a very sassy letter to be read when they die but I know it won’t be pleasant for my family as we will get the blame for what my grandparents decided.
Then don't read the letter, if it's just going to throw oil onto the fire. What are your grandparents going to do; haunt you?
Not going to break apart the family, but I'm curious about what happens to family gatherings once my grandma passes away. She's 94 and in pretty good health for her age. She's also one of the most petty and mean spirited women I've ever met. I'm curious what comes out when her health starts spiraling.
There's a very thinly veiled hatred of my mother and both my Aunts. One has a child from a previous marriage that has been cut out of the will, which has been causing problems for the last two decades (Christmas gifts are always cash and he's been getting mega shafted. One year a few years ago me, my sister and bio-cousin all got $1000, he got $1), he's never invited on vacations but my Aunt and Uncle are, etc. My other aunt is a bit of an alcoholic when my grandma is around (and only when she's around) and is definitely not afraid to speak her mind.
Meanwhile all this s**t means I see the extended family maybe once a year and my cousins I was close with growing up are now rather distant (although that's on me because I'm terrible at communicating and reaching out to anyone).
My stepdad take me aside right after the wedding and told me "F**k you, I married your mother" and gave me the finger.
I hate every single one of them. I hate their guts. I view them as no more than petty pricks and immature hungry monkeys. Of course, if I reveal it, I’m gonna get stoned. I’d rather sit alone than join everyone for the holidays, or I’d rather visit my friends’ families.
Maybe they're genuinely $hitty, what do I know, but an old saying also goes like "If everyone around you is an a$$hole, chances are YOU are the only a$$hole."
I thought the same at first, but then realized I wouldn’t want to read a list of secret abuse, violence, or death. It is a bit funny how many of these were revealed through ancestry .com or similar services though.
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Found out my late ex-father-in-law was gay. His wife knew and maybe a few others but none of his children were aware. When he died, I instructed my son to get rid of his grandfather's stash of gay porn before anyone else-especially his mother found it. As far as I know no one else in the family ever found out.
There was a skit I saw many years ago. It was insurance so that if you died suddenly they would come to your house and get rid of anything embarrassing before your family saw it.
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I have one that could cause drama in my extended family: the fact that I'm omnisexual and nonbinary. My family is very religious(I am too, but they're HOMOPHOBIC-religious) and my parents and sister accept me and don't care but my extended family would freak. So for now I just pretend to be a straight cis-girl. I'll come out to them someday.
I would say that's your secret, not your family's secret. Just live your life.
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I thought the same at first, but then realized I wouldn’t want to read a list of secret abuse, violence, or death. It is a bit funny how many of these were revealed through ancestry .com or similar services though.
Load More Replies... Found out my late ex-father-in-law was gay. His wife knew and maybe a few others but none of his children were aware. When he died, I instructed my son to get rid of his grandfather's stash of gay porn before anyone else-especially his mother found it. As far as I know no one else in the family ever found out.
There was a skit I saw many years ago. It was insurance so that if you died suddenly they would come to your house and get rid of anything embarrassing before your family saw it.
Load More Replies... I have one that could cause drama in my extended family: the fact that I'm omnisexual and nonbinary. My family is very religious(I am too, but they're HOMOPHOBIC-religious) and my parents and sister accept me and don't care but my extended family would freak. So for now I just pretend to be a straight cis-girl. I'll come out to them someday.
I would say that's your secret, not your family's secret. Just live your life.
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