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What would you say if someone asked you what it means to be a good man? Some may say it’s caring, others would say it’s about being honest. But what if the question were a little different—what does it mean to be a real man? Taking charge and risks, suppressing weaknesses, and talking like a man may pop into your mind.
This is in fact the real test Prof. Michael Kimmel, a leading scholar on masculinity, runs on his students when the classes start. The simple warm-up activity shows how confusing the messages that boys get from society about manhood are. And it’s not just boys, the notion of masculinity in our society often represses men, claiming that strength is manly, and emotions are weak.
In order to see how truly damaging these narrow cultural ideals of manliness can be, we have to look at the real-life stories from men who experienced it firsthand. So when someone asked on r/AskMen “What was the worst reaction to letting down your emotional shield?” the unsettling responses came in one after another, as they shed light on just how lonely and misunderstood some men really are.
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#1
You guys must have pretty terrible girlfriends. My wife and I share most things we feel vulnerable about. I am not going out of my way to be emotional, but I'm not hiding it behind some shield either.
If you show your true colors to a partner and she breaks up with you, it wasn't meant to last anyway.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
That is what a relationship is about - sharing and caring. If your relationship is not like that then you are better off without them as they will just add to the problems you already have
Nathan Pogorzala 4 years ago
Sometimes it is just impossible for them to relate. 20 years with the same person and she just doesn't understand how traumatic abuse is because it never happened to her. Her response was disappointing but no one is perfect.
CatWoman312 4 years ago
If she can’t handle you at your lowest she doesn’t deserve you at your best
Carpeton 4 years ago
She is your wife. Do not be confused. What you can expect from your wife is not what you can expect form your average female - friend. Meanwhile a woman, can expect that from her female-friend. Spouses are, obviously, different. In other relations, men and women are expected to behave differently (even from men and women counterparts)
deanna woods 4 years ago
My mother doesn't have a problem with my father showing his emotions. In fact, she wants him to communicate with her.
kjorn 4 years ago
yep... people want a relashionship but only the happy side. life it's not always the sun. rain happen to in a relashionship. people today get ride of the people like they get ride of their iphone when a new one come out!
RELATED:
#2
In college a couple friends (both f) noticed I (m) was having a bad week and insisted I tell them what was going on.
After 15 minutes of me ranting about my grades, professors, my job, my family, I was starting to feel better getting it all off my chest. But then one of them, making no attempt to hide it, leans to the other and says “damn I wish we never asked” and they both start laughing with each other about how much they didn’t want to be there listening to me.
Now whenever people ask how I’m doing I just say I’m fine or I’m tired to save the time and energy.
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
Thats low. Dont ask unless u genuinely want to know. And dont diss other ppl when they open up:bring down ur wall is hard, and if it has to go back up it's fortified now
ChinmayGhule 4 years ago
If you have an indomitable Dao Heart, then nothing can sway you.
Load More Replies... Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
I think it's time to find new friends. Good friends don't pull that crap.
Nat Hedley 4 years ago
Those aren't friends. Honestly, I (and I think most people) would have treated a stranger better than they treated you in that moment.
DKS 001 4 years ago
yeah, I don't fall for that "how are you" line anymore either. It's a lie, a "greeting" not an actual interest in how you're doing.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
Agreed. When people ask me I just say i'm good.
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Billy The Kid 4 years ago
That is sick! The man is having a bad time and then this is happening. That is a right kick in the confidence.
Diana Jonkman 4 years ago
This is sad, but I realised for self experience, that nobody wants to hear other people complaining.
Bettie-Jean Neal 4 years ago
I never ever tell how I'm really feeling. EVER! No one actually wants to know. If they do, they will say so.
#3
I don’t like opening up to anyone even today, after two years of anti depressants and six months of therapy. I can’t open up to my mom because she would end up using it against me, maybe immediately, maybe later. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She’s been through a great deal and tried her level best to not let that [stuff] reach us ( my brother and I),but to err is human. My dad is what your typical Indian dad is, a stoic guy, not expressing himself( kind of like the meme of that dog sitting in a room on fire). Add to that his emotionally distant parents and him joining the army at 17 to become an officer and you have this absolutely thick exterior that doesn’t let anything through. I work as a doctor in Delhi. Everyone around is dying. Bright eyed juniors I knew, people I said goodbye to not knowing it would be the last opportunity I’d get, patients and their hapless families, grieving mothers/ fathers/ wives/ husbands/ parents/ children. None of them deserved it and I feel that somehow I’m to blame. I can’t just man up every time. Sorry I started this diatribe. Had to get it out somewhere.
K Witmer 4 years ago
So so so sorry. I feel so awful for you. I hope you heal from this and find a person you trust enough to confide in soon.
Wandaluzt 4 years ago
This was posted on Reddit. They will not see your comment.
Load More Replies... Nat Hedley 4 years ago
I found the original post on reddit and OP had come back to his post and added this: "Edit: Returned to this thread today morning. I never knew you could find love in strangers on the Internet. Stay safe all of you. Hope I never get to meet you when I’m working." Nice going, Internet :-)
Night Owl 4 years ago
That's really nice :D Thanks Nat and thanks internet 👍
Load More Replies... CP 4 years ago
I feel so sad, covid making doctors life hell and the death happening all around, almost unbelievable. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, you can reach out if you feel like it, I'm in jaipur
Wandaluzt 4 years ago
They posted this on Reddit. There's no point trying to talk to them here.
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Jane Dorothy Warner 4 years ago
I am so sorry all this is happening around you, and I pray it doesn't happen TO you.
bonnyatlast 4 years ago
Here we will always listen. I hope you get to read the posts here too. Bless you for what you are doing. May you stay safe from the storm around you.
Wandaluzt 4 years ago
They posted it on Reddit. So they're not likely to even know their post has been ripped off for content here.
Load More Replies... Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
That would take its toll on most people. Fingers crossed he can find some support.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
No one is to blame. We've all done our best times ten. Survivors' guilt plus medical-person guilt is not a burden anyone deserves, either, but we're feeling it, down to the level of volunteers like me. Doctors aren't gods. THey're not able to conquer everything. Grieve for your losses. It's okay. It's absolutely okay. And don't take on the guilt of surviving. It means you are there to help OTHERS.
enby from hell 4 years ago
Do not dare to be sorry for feeling normal, human emotions. You don't need to be sorry. I hope this helped, at least a bit.
#4
In my family I - as the father - am the rock and immovable point where everything hinges on. The stoic calm eye of the storm.
I once started to open up to my wife about what worries me and she almost had a nervous breakdown and I ended up consoling her for an hour. And it was some of the rather tame [stuff] I deal with all the time.
I stopped opening up about my worries towards her after that. I have a friend or two I can share heavy stuff with, but not with my partner. I tell her about stuff once it is solved.
"You should open up to me more!"
No.
Example of something current? The smell of desinfectant triggers painful memories of the death of my first daughter (NICU, 27 days old). Luckily you can't see my face under the mask in public, where there is a desinfectant station at every shop. I barely flinch at the pain anymore.
"You look grumpy today?"
"Grocery shopping was... exhausting. Everything is fine."
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
How heartbreaking for 2 reasons. One for not being able to open up to your wife and two for the loss of your daughter.
Marnie 4 years ago
Yeah, this is one of the sadder things I've read on BP. Poor, poor guy!
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Nathan Pogorzala 4 years ago
My wife uses the fact that my father used to whoop my ass until he mutilated me to justify things against me. Such as stating that i hear things or misunderstand people because my father threw me out of a second story window and i have neurological issues. She blames it on me being "crazy" and goes about believing that.
ScarlettofHydraIsland 4 years ago
That’s a really horrible thing to do and that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me.
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Sarcastic Cow 4 years ago
That´s sad. Your wife cares more about her own security and safety than about her husband as a person.
Carpeton 4 years ago
Your wife expects (as many women) that you are the rock, the mast where she will feel herself safe. If you are not such a rock, but a weak spirit, it is normal she feel herself terrified. Lucky of you, that have some friend to share your inner self. Besides, remain strong for your wife!
Will Lanni 4 years ago
I learned from a group of men how important it is for us to have a small group of men we can entrust with anything we're dealing with.
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kennedy1209 4 years ago
I would imagine this is very relatable to a lot of men... My wife has crippling anxiety - My worries become her worries 2x. She will listen to anything that bothers me, but I have to decide if it is worth working through her anxiety after I get my feelings out.
Holes2Heaven 4 years ago
I completely understand your pain in losing your daughter. I too lot a newborn in the NICU. Thankfully, she went in my arms and not alone, but the pain stays with you forever. I'm so sorry
Alyssa Sweat 4 years ago
how does she expect you to tell her when all she'll do is overreact in a negative way.
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
If you can't open up to your wife, it's not the right person for you. You need to find someone who loves you completely, flaws, insecurities, worries, traumas and all! Your SO needs to be the ONE person you can be completely open and honest with.
#5
Told my dad I was on brain meds for anxiety.
“Mental weakling” were the words I believe.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
No wonder men's suicide rates are so high when men get reactions like this. Things need to change.
Hilary Mol 4 years ago
There seems to be a cutoff between generations when it comes to mental health. Baby Boomers (people my mom's age) and the generation directly after theirs (can't remember what comes between Baby Boomers & Generation X) were raised with the idea that men having emotions and/or mental health issues made them weak, worthless, less of a man, etc. It was just starting to be a valid issue for anybody by the time I got to high school. It's just sad. (Btw, I always enjoy your comments. :) )
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Tracey Hirt 4 years ago
If you can't make enough of your own neurotransmitters, then store-bought is just fine!
Petina Stevens 4 years ago
I have two sons with mental illnesses in there late 30's and no matter what they say or do I am there for them ,and so is their dad We both understand that our life is for looking after them .This is what is called parents unconditional Love
Deb Dedon 4 years ago
Hey, that sounds like my dad - and two of his three sons have been on anxiety meds. Your dad sounds as abusive as mine was. If nothing else, google 'narcissistic personality disorder' or just 'narcissism'. I hope some of the information out there will help put his behavior in perspective and also help you get some emotional distance for your own safety.
Sandra Boyd 4 years ago
Oh, man. Not a great help. He turned you off because it made him scared. You are a strong person. As an older person, I have found that I can ask myself "Why am I feeling anxious about this ?" and I usually get an insightful mental answer - all this stuff is inside you, your brain knows why it has anxiety - if you can access it, you can get a good idea of the best way to overcome it. I do hope you're getter better and overcoming your anxiety.
Lynne Harbison 4 years ago
Now I'm not pointing the finger at anyone. I recently read a medical article, there is so much anxiety and depression around, because so many people have/do smoke marijuana. It kills brain cells. So if this is you...get help to STOP.
#6
I went to therapy and my therapist advised me to let down my guard to my girlfriend. She lost all attraction to me, shared my issues with her whole friend group for “her support”, and then broke up with me. Life will teach you lessons the hard way whenever possible.
Nomadus Aureus 4 years ago
I'm so sorry that has happened to you. If it's any consolation, she did you a favour. She's disgusting and so are her friends for not telling her to stop revealing your secrets. Unless those secrets could have potentially caused her harm, she has no business telling anyone about them. Maybe her therapists, if she's unsure of how to react, but couple's therapy exists for a reason.
Kevin Erdős–Bacon 4 years ago
I hope the lesson was that some people are simply dirt, not not to let your guard down again
VeryDarkMatter 4 years ago
It shows what kind of person your gf truely is and that you should not waste any more time with her. I am sorry that it turned out that way. But maybe you can see a small bright side to this thinking you really dodged a bullet there. There are good people out who care. But the truth is, that there also plenty of people who are not worth 1 minute of your precious life time.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
The one person you are close to and put your trust in them and that happens...hmmm
Petro Roos 4 years ago
I don't understand how people react this way when men show their emotions. They're HUMAN and are "allowed" to show HUMAN emotions. When woman are angry or not "reacting" they way society thinks a woman should, then she's a bitch or must be PMSing, is it not at all possible that she could just be having a run of the mill shitty day... Same with men, if men aren't always perceived as being "strong" or confident or if they ever dare share their feelings, then they're weak and unattractive? 'Cause heaven forbid they ever show anything resembling human emotions? It sucks that this guy's girlfriend didn't acknowledge his emotions and just listened, because chances are, he won't be likely to open up to another woman again, because being shot down was the lesson he learned. Maybe he should find someone who will rather support him when he opens up - maybe that's the lesson.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
Some people prefer the illusion to the reality—-and this can go both ways. Men tend to focus on the superficial in women and ignore the rest. Good test of the relationship.
#7
I opened up to my mother twice about how I feel about my life and she is still using it against me 5 years later. I’ll never forgive her for that
Sarcastic Cow 4 years ago
One of the biggest fears - tell something painful about yourself and they will use it against you.
Debbie Chapman 4 years ago
I am a female. You guys are not the only ones with this problem. I learned early on to never open up to my mother about anything. She would use it against me especially if it was about how someone was mean to me. She would tell me that I deserved it and use against forever. Abusive parents are abusive parents regardless of your sex.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
That is sad. When you confide in someone you have known all your life you would expect support not throwing it up in your face.
Bobert Robertson 4 years ago (edited)
When I was younger I got arrested. It was something stupid, and didn't end up on my record. In theory I could have never told anyone (I was alone when I was caught), but I had to get the weight of the secret off my back. I finally told my parents and felt instant relief getting it out. For about a month....then I found out they told all their friends and the rest of our family. It took everything to finally share, and I expected it to be kept between the 3 of us.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
It goes to show that not everyone can be trusted. These are what i call gossipers. I have a saying" If people gossip to you then they sure will gossip about you"
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Gwen Parker 4 years ago
I'm not male but I opened up to my dad about my cousin molesting me and he used this against me later in my life. ANY PARENT doing this to a child is a piece of S**T. I'm sorry your mother is such a callous, horrid excuse for a human being. You deserve so much better.
Suzanne Haigh 4 years ago
My mother would give a huh? and have no idea I had tried to talk to her, some mothers just should not be mothers.
Sergio Bicerra 4 years ago
Then they blast social media with "why my son doesn't visit meeeee?" yeah right.
Fieke Engelen 4 years ago
One thing in our lives, we cannot choose, is our mother, Get a bad one and you're stuck with it. I know!
#8
I opened up about my home situation in primary school to my teachers. it was about how my dad has a fuse the size of a microbe and can be verbally..abusive. my teacher told my parents what I told her. needless to say my dad was pissed and I didnt dare to talk about this stuff to “trust persons” till last year (16 years later)
Aunt Messy 4 years ago
This happened to me when I told a guidance counselor about the way my father beat me. I showed him the bruises. That SOB was on the phone to him telling him about my "lies" before I'd even left the building. ...///... When I got home, my father broke at least three ribs and bruised my kidneys to the point where I urinated blood for days. I was not permitted to go to a doctor.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
"Mandatory reporting" doesn't mean "report to the people accused".... I ran into this, then my dad's rage, 40 years ago. *sigh*
Rick Seiden 4 years ago
Teachers are mandated reporters. That teacher should have gone to the principal or to CPS.
El Dee 4 years ago
Teachers, in my country, still don't have a duty to intervene. Mostly what happens when they have a real concern is that they'll wait until the VERY end of the school year before reporting it, if they do at all. Many of them care less about the children than they do about getting blowback..
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Teachers are mandatory reporters. They should have reported your concerns to child protective services. Failure to do so is a crime, at least in the US.
Vicki Thill 4 years ago
My mom and dad got into a heated argument when I was a kid and it scared me. It didn't happen often, but Dad had a habit of taking it too far with name calling. I told my teacher the next day and she called my dad at work, not my mom, who would have understood. Nope, she called my dad. He yelled at me about keeping our home life private and my nine year old little girl self told him that every single time he calls my mother names, that I'm going to tell every one I see that he did that, forever, including calling grandma and nothing was going to stop me. Not much arguing after that, that I can recall. Your dad owes you an apology. His job is to keep you safe, that is his job, verbal abuse is not keeping you safe, even if it's not directed at you. Shame on him for not hearing the teachers concerns and using it to make you feel safe. Shame on him.
#9
My mother passed when I was 15, cried my eyes out to my girlfriend at the time – she called me a little b**** and said she didn’t get why I was crying – behind my back to her group of friends, and my best friend, who told me. So I broke up with her, then she spread a bunch of rumors about me. Yep, Teenagers are [messed] up
readingthequibbler 4 years ago
I wish more people, teens especially, see it that way but they don't. Speaking here as a teen, who kinda hates other teens for this
Load More Replies... VeryDarkMatter 4 years ago
This is not because she was a teenager. It was because she was born without a heart and soul. Like an empty husk.
Scott 4 years ago
I'm sorry for your loss. My mother died in a car accident (t-boned by a dump truck) when I was nine and I had similar situations occur, not a girlfriend or anything, but fake friendships. People would make "yo momma" jokes along the lines of "yo momma so... oh wait you don't got one." My teacher (grade 4) showed up to the funeral just to give me the classwork and homework for the next 2 weeks and told me to have it done by the time I got back to class. I still have panic attacks driving near dump trucks and can't do anything beyond pretend that everything's ok. Obviously when I'm driving I have to keep it together, but I made the mistake of asking a friend to take a different way to avoid construction and why only to be laughed at, told to suck it up, and to find my balls in my purse.
Elizabeth Molloy 4 years ago
Find better friends. That person is totally f****d up.
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Niki Norway 4 years ago
Girls tormented me like this. I had no idea how they could be so vile and heartless. I can see now that they weren't heartless, they were just testing the survival of the fittess.
deanna woods 4 years ago
That is not a girlfriend, that is an evil witch. You had every right to cry. You had just lost your mother.
#10
The one person I looked up to and wanted to be proud of me told me how worthless I was to him in a way that left no room for doubt.
Susan Widomski 4 years ago
Been there. It isn't you. Live your life to make yourself proud and you will find others that feel the same way about you.
Fieke Engelen 4 years ago
That took my breath away. I wish I could give you a hug and a cuddle and say you are loved
#11
My ex never reacted well to me opening up to her. I think it scared her or something. Getting a real, raw glimpse inside someone who is struggling with mental health issues can really freak people out, especially when they have this idea of who their partner should be or, how they want their life to be.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
We need to stop picturing men to be these robotic, emotionless beings. They have emotions just like everyone else and deserve to be heard.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
That's right. Its not down to the gender its down to the individual. Thumbs up to that.
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mac 4 years ago
This example sounds less about men not being able to show emotion and more about the stigma of mental health in general. Admittedly, when I was young I learned from a girl I started dating that she was on meds for depression or rather she was at the time not taking them. It freaked me out because I had friends and relatives that had very, very bad outcomes with someone NOT taking their meds. I did not want to be one of those stories.
Shazz Winchester 4 years ago
I wish my S/O would be more open, it's a horrible lesson young boys are taught - that crying makes you weak, and anger is strength.
Lynne Harbison 4 years ago
A family member told his son to stop crying and to man up and stop being a sissy. The boy was 5 years old and having an asthma attack. So glad the father is now an EX family member.
Susan Widomski 4 years ago
It might really scare us, because we hope you will lift us up and instead you are very vulnerable and we may not be able to cope. So far, it sounds like we should open up to people that are not caught up emotionally with us.
Celena Camps 4 years ago
I work as a mental health social worker. Hopefully you can find the help you need. People often start with their drs.
El Dee 4 years ago
I think this is a remnant of our sexist society. We bring boys up like, 'big boys don't cry' They see the male figures in media who are strong and silent and this affects not only them but girls too. The girls who go on to become wives can, sometimes, expect that men don't have emotions or feelings (perhaps because they're not seen to cry) but are happy to let their emotions out the a man. They then have trouble dealing with HIS emotion because he is the 'strong one' This is where societal sexism hurts EVERYONE..
#12
My biological father is a [jerk], and a lot of my depression and self esteem issues stem from my relationship with him. I tried opening up to a college girlfriend about it, and she called me “Captain Daddy Issues” and laughed at me. I laughed it off at the time, but it seriously broke my heart and led to me shutting down emotionally until I met the women I wound up marrying.
Renita McAfee 4 years ago
Men say this to us often. Its a major reason for breakups in young adults and even used as an insult if we're not interested in a guy.
#13
Grew up in the hood. Lost friends to violence or prison, lost people to drugs, saw some [stuff] that really [messed] me up.
Met a girl who told me I could tell her anything and she was always there if I needed to talk. One night it got to me and I opened up to her and you could just see all the attraction leave her face. She ended up distancing herself from me afterwards and we lost contact.
Learned a harsh but blunt truth that night. When women say they want you to open up, what they really mean is the romanticized version their favorite romance flicks show, not what it actually looks like to open up.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry she did that. Just know not every woman is like that. If I tell someone that I am here for them and that they can open up to me, I mean it. Even if I find some situations awkward and don't know what to say, I will still be there to listen.
GoodWolf 4 years ago
Foxxy, I don't know you, but I always enjoy reading your comments. You seem to be such a nice, caring, compassionate person! Just wanted to let you know.
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Sue Bradley 4 years ago
Some people just can't handle the reality of real life problems, it's easier to just ignore them (cognitive dissonance) a good therapist is the best person to talk too Xxx
Chaotic-Pansexual-Gemini 4 years ago
That’s cruel. If you tell someone you’re there for them, you need to be there for them. When I say I’m here for you, I mean it, and I’m not leaving unless you want me to. (Honestly to me, knowing that you trust me enough to tell me the harsh things about your life make you even more attractive because it means we have a strong bond)
Elizabeth Molloy 4 years ago
Yeah, cos all women are the same aren't they? Don't let one c**t sour you on the rest of the world.
Lunar Bicycle 4 years ago
Don’t generalize women. I know plenty of women, most especially my wife, who mean what they say and are supportive.
#14
My wife started sleeping with someone else. Lesson learned.
Elizabeth Molloy 4 years ago
The lesson being that she's a shallow, worthless piece of s**t and her marriage vows never meant anything to her.
Oogiebogieaugiedaddy 4 years ago
Remember, what goes around, comes around. Your wife is a loser!!!'
Gay Llama 4 years ago
So you not being sarcastic but you think it's his fault? How?
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Steve Wilson 4 years ago (edited)
Whenever your partner tries to trick you into revealing something you don’t want to talk about remember two things: first, there’s a good reason why you don’t want to talk about it & second, the odds that by revealing that information you will enhance your relationship are tiny. The odds that it damage the relationship are great. Use common sense.
Hollysmom 4 years ago
If you can't trust and rely on your partner you are with the wrong person.
Load More Replies... #15
My grandfather who was like my father died. Then for the next 3 weeks I was very sad and aloof. My girlfriend at the time just found another guy because I couldn't be fun.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
What a way to kick a man when he's down. I know it's not much consolation but at least you found out the kind of person she was before you committed a lifetime with her. You deserve better.
Luuta 4 years ago
You can't force a person to stay with someone just because they're having a bad time. She wasn't kicking him while he was down, she was simply unable to cope with someone with depression. She shouldn't expect to give up her life in service to his. A relationship is always a joint adventure, where both have to be able to cope with each other on many different levels. If she couldn't, she couldn't. It is devastating to be rejected, especially if you're already depressed, but forcing a relationship like that to continue would be horribly toxic for both of them.
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Lilith 4 years ago
I have the same situation with my boyfriend. He lost his grandfather who was his guardian last December and 4 months later he lost his dad both due to covid. He's being aloof and being telling me he's feeling more depressed. specially his grandmother was just diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 3days ago. And leaving him is a thing that would never come to my mind. he needed me the most now. I felt taken for granted sometimes but I can't be selfish and just think of what I want. I have to understand of What he needs right now.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
That has been very unfortunate for him and hope he comes to terms with it. Good for you for supporting him. Thumbs up to that.
Load More Replies... Billy The Kid 4 years ago
Sad to hear that. Just as you lose someone you want to feel comfort from someone you love and she just wasn't it.
#16
For me, it was when I needed her to be the strong one. Got super stressed out from first deployment, expressed that I needed a day or two of my own time to chill out from my gf at the time due to her insatiable desire to either be horny or problematic or how she would constantly express her horniness and then dump a really tough conversation on me (she was very back and forth about wanting kids, huge topic for me). Like she’d butter me up and then mention her mother wants us to date for 7 years before marriage and that’s the only way it could happen like wHAT. So. During the time I needed to clear my head, I didn’t do anything that’d hurt her I just went to work and focused on me and coping. Turns out, she lost interest in me pretty much immediately and then left me the two days later once I felt okay again because I wasn’t good enough. It’s cool, I was fine all alone out there and I learned that I am not dating a manipulative wreck who uses relationships to feel better about themself and uses me as a therapist. I’m a grown ass man and sometimes if I’m really stressed I need space away from the stress and not more crying or problems or complicated shenanigans.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
stress can be a big mental problem and the last thing anybody needs is having more added to it.
HammerzToe 4 years ago
It can take whole lifetimes for some people to reach the level that you are on. Good for you.
Vicki Thill 4 years ago
I'm not entirely sure that this isn't an issue that should be discussed with a professional. It seems all this girl had to offer was dumping an issue on you that she thought would outweigh the one you were fighting, which would tell me that she had little in the way of life skills and was very young. Deployment issues are bigger than she could handle. I honestly think she thought she was helping by dumping a heavy issue over the top of it, because that's what children do. My hope for you is that you, regardless of how old this is, talk to someone to work it out, professionally. All the best.
Christine M Quigley 4 years ago
She sounded like she had some serious mental issues of her own..
loretta hines 4 years ago
Gee even if you aren’t stressed what’s so bad about needing alone time. As they say think you dodged a bullet there. Hope you find a really lovely lady who will be your best buddy and accept you as you are alone or together.
#17
I found out the person I wanted to be proud of me was just using me for their own personal gain. It was one of two people I fully let my guard down and man it stung.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
Not nice when someone you look up to kicks you down just when you needed them.
#18
A friend of mine told me I should open up more, and to share more with her. She promptly decided to drop all her problems on me, while also telling me to [sod] off when I had my own problems because “you should go deal with your problems yourself, I’m not your therapist”. She then used my issues to try and gaslight me into thinking I was insane. Nice gal, we ain’t friends anymore.134
Alyssa Sweat 4 years ago
You asked. And I opened up to yo, but if you don't like the answer, that's your problem not mine.
Lena Flising 4 years ago
What an a-hole! Don't tell someone to open up more, and then say "I'm not your therapist". You can perhaps say "This is more than I can handle, perhaps you need a therapist", but that's about it.
#19
My wife asked me what I said at counselling and I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She wondered aloud what else I hadn’t told her, and why I was keeping secrets, and does she really know me, and how can she trust me…
Amanda DuVall 4 years ago
My husband came to me about his suicidal thoughts after I lost a friend to suicide. I was 5 months pregnant with out first child. I was upset he hadn’t come here one sooner, but immediately got into his employee resource hotline and found him a counselor, even went with him to his appointment. I didn’t go inside with him, I trusted he would tell me what he wanted to share afterwards. He’s never had a problem sharing with me ever since.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
In fairness, to be told someone has suicidal thoughts is a he** of a shock. And in the panic, people say some really stupid sh*t. Been there, done that.
Jessie 1 year ago
But this was next-level selfish. Every question and remark is about her.
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Casey Burns 4 years ago
They will fade away I promise. It took me personally a good 10 years of bad choices.... But eventually they're replaced with only pure untamed happiness. I'm here for you brother.
Nathan Pogorzala 4 years ago
people's expectations of the male psyche is so screwed up and f****n EGO, ego is what ruins us all.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
So she wasn't bothered about your thoughts because of her own concerns. She should of sat down with you and talk it over.
Vicki Thill 4 years ago
I'm mad at both of you; why is she asking what is being discussed in your counselling? Why are you telling her? Your therapist is working with you on the heaviest issue of human existence, and I commend you for that, I do, we all do. However, I really wished you would have kept it professional until your therapist helped guide your wife in. Your wife loves you and how she responds to her fear is dependent on how the information is given. Your therapist is educated in this area specifically to reduce fear based responses. Love your wife, fear responses are sometimes ugly. She's not selfish, she's scared. Please tell your therapist that this happened and your wife now needs help too. You two can make it, but you have got to leave therapy in the clinic until a plan is in place. Good luck and Godspeed.
#20
When I've opened up to women about my abusive childhood (because they ask me to "open up more"), they 9/10 times attempt to win gold in the "Victim Olympics". They compare traumas and somehow make it about them. Yet when they tell me about their struggles/traumas I always listen, show compassion, and validate them if applicable. I never compare.
My ex even got mad at me after I opened up. Not in the moment. It was about 3 weeks later. She said "I feel like I can't even open up to you anymore". When I asked why? she said "When I think about what you've been through, I feel like I can't complain about my situation". She was upset at me for this and wanted me to apologize for having "worse" (it's all subjective) trauma than her own.
I've found that many women want more for you to communicate how something made you feel. As opposed to hearing what actually happened. I've had the most success when I omit details and only discuss the feeling. For example "Childhood I felt helpless and alone but I'm good now". Rather than "When I was 11 my brother held a metal fork to the stove and branded me with it for fun".
Less details the better. Oh and for the record, you'll never out victim them.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
Why do so many people have to make things into a competition. Especially about who is the biggest victim. I'm sorry but that is just f****d up. We all have our stories and we all deserve someone to hear us and I don't mean just listen but to actually acknowledge what they are saying and showing compassion.
Nat Hedley 4 years ago
I used to get upset about people doing this then one day I saw, of all things, a webcomic in which a character said 'It's not about competition, it's about finding common ground' and it was like a light came on. Sure, a lot of people are probably doing the 'Meeeeee' thing but I think a lot of others are just trying to relate and connect through shared experience.
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Izzy Curer 4 years ago (edited)
I wonder if they're not trying to 'one-up' you so much as trying to relate to you. Because I would think it would be a huge relief to a female victim to know there are guys out there who understand how they feel.
Katy 4 years ago
People trying to compare your trauma to theirs is not them being competive, it is a way of them trying to show the solidarity. Every person has different approach to do that. It is in human nature to trying to fit someones problems to their own to emphatize. If they do not have the same experience, it is the way they are showing you they are trying to understand. I know it does not turn out for the best sometines. Usually women do that in my experience. Man on the other hand are very offten trying to find some solution to show the solidarity. There are people who have a talent to find supersupportive words and the other ones :D Don't consider it as them trying to compare, it is probably not it ;)
deanna woods 4 years ago
Why do so many people have to win at being the victim? Every single person on this planet has been through something traumatic and are allowed to be affected by it. Even if the most traumatic thing that happened to you is your pet died, that's still traumatic for you and no one should try and take that away from you.
Patrick Reolon 4 years ago (edited)
that is indeed a good lesson. Off course not all women are the same, but most of times it's really more about the emotions provoked than the real issue behind. The same as we men probably turn everything a little bit more analytic, technical or rational and less emotional. I think that is mainly gender related and just a general freak of nature to say. Also when female partners want us to open up, but then loose attraction when we show how really vulnerable we are. Probably because it's easier to turn sad emotions into happy ones (with a joke or something), but the deeper issues nobody can help you with, except by only listening, but only listening is boring, there's no interaction in it, and most times because of empathy leads to the other carrying a certain weight of one's problems, so in the end it makes the feel more down than up, and that's not the ideal of human interaction, but a necessary part of it...
Patrick Reolon 4 years ago
that is indeed a good lesson. Off course not all women are the same, but most of times it's really ore about the emotions provoked than the real issue behind. The same as we men probably turn everything a little bit more analytic, technical or rational. I think that is mainly gender related and just a general freak of nature to say. Also when female partners want us too open up, but then loose attraction when we show how really vulnerable we are. Probably because it's easier to turn sad emotions into happy ones (with a joke or something), but the deeper issues nobody can help you with, except by only listening, but only listening is boring, there's no interaction in it, and most times because of empathy leads to the other carrying a certain weight of one's problems, so in the end it makes the feel more down than up, and that's not the ideal of human interaction...
Mark Kelly 1 year ago
I can understand soon relating their own story if someone tells them a story about abuse or something but they shouldn't turn it into a competition.
#21
I got my ass beat for trying to talk to my mom about being abused. Then getting s**t on every time I’ve tried to relate to someone since. I don’t really want to live in a world like this but I guess I don’t have a choice.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
You are worthy, you just haven't found the right people to have in your life, to listen, love and support you.
Scott 4 years ago
I'm sorry to hear you've had those experiences. When I reported the guy who molested me, the school officials simply "had a chat" with him and didn't even tell my parents. I was 9, at a boarding school's summer camp program. When I reported my rapist, the BSA (Boy Scouts of America) didn't even "have a chat." There went my faith in humanity, society, the system, whatever you want to call it.
Tina Smith 4 years ago
Scott, I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I wish I knew what to say to help.
Load More Replies... El Dee 4 years ago
Find someone professional to speak to. Psychotherapist etc. I did and it really really helped. They can't 'fix' your life, I don't mean that, but they can help you understand what's happened. Doesn't sound like much but it's crucial. I hope you find peace and get someone to talk to..
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
If this is what is happening to you then you should seek professional help. These so called people don't give a s**t!
Jessica Otto 4 years ago
Listen to Momma Jess darling, distance yourself from the toxicity and go forth and choose your own family. It takes time, and you WILL have setbacks on your journey, but you will be all the better off for it.
Elizabeth Molloy 4 years ago
This is called toxicity. Cut all ties with these people. I tried so many times with my mother, and it almost killed me, as in I was suicidal and had a complete nervous breakdown. Put yourself first; you deserve it!
Agnes Jekyll 4 years ago
One day, you will have the people you deserve. In an emergency--or when you have no one to turn to, call a helpline. They really can be a lifeline. Women's help lines and phone lines for abuse listen to men too.
Patrice Hall 4 years ago
I am so sorry about that. No one should have to go through that . I look forwards to you finding you way out of the dark and finding yourself a truly supportive group
#22
Once, I told my friends about my high insecurities regarding my physical appearance and my “attractivness” (or lack of thereof in my case), and they laughed at me and made joke about it not being a “big deal” and implying that I was acting/thinking like a girl. I never shared anything more with those friends lol.
Thorsten M. Weisner 4 years ago
You don't need to lol this away. Toxic behavior is awful and even comparing you to a girl as if this would be something negative shows how empty they are.
kennedy1209 4 years ago
the "lol" at the end hits hard. I "lol" a whole lotta sh!t that is otherwise painful.
Bored Cats 4 years ago
It kind of bothers me that they think only girls can be insecure and worry about how they look
Rainy Day Wolf 4 years ago (edited)
I had an old friend who was overweight, we reconnected and he invited me to his birthday party, his friends treated him like sh*t, all the jokes were at his expenses, I couldn't believe it... I kissed him to shut them up and told him his friends shouldn't belittle him... We'd had a weird friendship for 20 years based mostly in shared trauma and music... but then he started pressuring me to be his girlfriend and when I declined he said we weren't even friends... That broke me. He later tried to contact me again but I didn't think it was worth it if he never valued me and my friendship. I miss our talks. I have very few friends but they are great, we lift each other and we listen to our tragedies and wins.
#23
The number of times I’ve been told “Ah you’re like a girl” and ignored is pathetic.
Sarcastic Cow 4 years ago
You´re like a girl - you have to be strong in a world full of a**holes. That´s true, innit?
HammerzToe 4 years ago
And what's wrong with being like a girl!? Some of the strongest, most determined people I've met in this life are female. I'm female. And I've been told I'm one of the strongest people they've ever met by numerous people. Strength has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with gender and if someone is stupid enough to equate the two then why have them in your life? I don't have time to waste on stupid.
Lucy Shupe 4 years ago
You should take it as a compliment some of the toughest, honest, caring people were GIRLS.
Carpeton 4 years ago
Men and women expect different things from a man and woman. That is the reality. If you behave as what is expected for a woman, you get that kind of answers. May be some people will close their mouths, but that is what they think. Actually, there are groups that do not match the standard. But unless you are 100% sure of having one person like that in front of you, you know the risks
loretta hines 4 years ago
Take pride and joy in being you. The world would be extremely boring if all men / women were the same. Tell your self every day 3 things on why you like yourself.
Jane Alexander 4 years ago
These posts reek with toxic masculinity. No I'm not sayiing that masculinity is toxic. toxic masculinity is not masculinity at all, it's just a false and poisonous notion of what a man should be.
#24
Opened up about how I felt about being dumped to a close friend that I was there for when they were in the same situation. My feelings and emotions were dismissed. The conversation left me feeling like an idiot for having these perfectly normal post break up feelings.
#25
My ex GF,I was going through a rough patch slight depression. Told her I was looking to improve our relationship and understanding. She decided to break up with me.
Even if I was the rock, helped her earn some money, drove her everywhere. Helped her sister when she got beat up by exhusband (yeah awful). Helped her sister with the kids by finding them diapers and food. Helped the dad find oil and gasoline (my country for a moment there was none). And drove her to medical school when she couldn’t find transport. Paid for a trip to another country when our country was failing so we could be safer (later returned).
I said “you know i was not in a good place, i have not been my best for like 3 months. Ive supported you in everything, just give me a small chance”.
She responded “ don’t kill yourself, if you feel bad call your best friend”. “ you dont deserve this”.
Found out she cheated and the new boyfriend appeared a month later. Still hurts even after a year.
I’m still awestruck the way she did everything, a 3 year relationship meant that little.... but i have been better.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
Everything that you have done for her and her family you sound to me to be a good man. If this is how she treated you then you are better off without her. Her loss big time!
Raven Hayden Rudnik 1 year ago
The fact that he is listing what he did for her as an argument is Kinda alarming. I had A friend like that that was really pushy to help you, and was always there for me. But also felt like this entitled him to be cuddled and stuff. Made A lot of flirting and sexual jokes as well. So Yeah he did A lot, but He was still only doing this to get A free Pass on A plain wrong behaviour
loretta hines 4 years ago
Don’t blame your self or loose that giving loving self, you have shown your self to be. Just be glad she’s gone that there are no children involved, and believe in your self. All of us have experience crap relationships that hurt. You can’t eventually experience the good to know how good it is if you haven’t had a few bad experiences.
Judy Nowiski 4 years ago
You sound like an absolutely wonderful guy! I hope you find the great girl that you deserve soon!
#26
That was my experience with my first girlfriend. She was really pushy about knowing my deepest, most irrational feelings, but got insecure, defensive and hurt over them when I shared instead of being remotely supportive.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago (edited)
Tell me all about yourself, but leave out the details that I might find offensive, hurtful or too emotional for me to handle. [Sarcasm:Off]
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
Why do people do this? They go on and on to get information from you then they act as though they don't want to know.
iBlank 4 years ago
Right! Unfortunately there are people who say things like that just to feel better about themselves. They get defensive because they don't want to admit to themselves it was a lie. Hypocrites.
Load More Replies... #27
I tested the waters with my old college friends by telling them how sad I’ve been lately, but I was ignored.
It just hurt and made my feelings invalid. So, I pretended I was super chill, like I’ve always been doing and everything was ok again. Not really
Edit: This doesn’t sound so bad compared to everyone else, but I never share my feelings. I thought it might be a time where I can come out and try to share my emotions with people I thought would understand, but it wasn’t meant to be.
Hilary Mol 4 years ago
I appreciate you sharing this with all of us. I'm sorry you felt ignored and rejected by the people who were supposed to be your friends.
Billy The Kid 4 years ago
We are all strangers to each other here on BP but we will always listen and support each other because that is what decent people do.
Rainy Day Wolf 4 years ago
It's not a competition, your feelings are valid, your pain is valid... I am sorry, I hope you get better and find a good friend
Lunar Bicycle 4 years ago
Don’t give up on it. You can find better friends. Keeping your emotion bottled up all the time is so bad for you.
Susan Widomski 4 years ago
Don't give up on finding the friend that makes it all worthwhile and supports you. If you are lucky, it could be a future partner.
Celena Camps 4 years ago
Mental health social worker here. If you are still feeling sad, there is lots of help there .. counselling or meds through your dr . Best of luck.
HammerzToe 4 years ago
The old quote, "When you laugh, the world laughs with you. When you cry, you cry alone." is unfortunately true for many people. They don't want to hear about someone else's misfortune or hard times or sad emotions because they can't deal with their own and are trying to protect themselves. Feel sorry for them.
Crouching hippo hidden panda 4 years ago
That must have been crushing. They are feelings that linger for a long time and can cast a shadow on future relationships. Our self esteems are really very fragile things and I feel so sorry for all the men and boys who feel they have to navigate life aloof and alone for fear of rejection or ridicule. Heart breaking. I will make sure to always let my little boy express himself and be there to listen without judgement
#28
Went through an ugly domestic violence experience and relationship breakdown. Restraining order. Divorce. Whole shebang.
Tried to reach out to my only family member. Was told "I don't have the emotional capacity to support you".
K. Thx. [screw] me right.
H Edwards 4 years ago
In this case I have some sympathy for the family member. Not everyone is emotionally capable of giving the type of support that is needed. It's not necessarily personal, and probably better that they just tell them up front. I hope the guy managed to find support elsewhere.
Will Lanni 4 years ago
After losing multiple family members, a best friend, a dog, and then a marriage in the span of a year, I found myself in a place where I need to be well rested and very stable to be able to listen with the kind of space and empathy and compassion that someone dealing with something needs. I too have responded to requests for listening with a "can't right now, don't have the capacity." When I'm in that place, the request occurs as an overwhelming anxiety panic... I'm spread too thin to be any kind of support. It's good to read this, though, because I need to be better at expressing that it's not personal to the requester.
Raven Hayden Rudnik 1 year ago
This is actually an example of boundaries. If you have a problem that requires therapist or a Hotline, random family member is not a choice for you. And people dont have to agree to hear about the traumatic things that happened to you or help you. I would rather be told this, then ignored or have my Problems minimalised by someone
Susan Widomski 4 years ago
You just selected the wrong family member. Don't know any of mine I would go to for the support I need.
Soleil SanMao 4 years ago
I am thinking this wasn't a new situation and the family may have had enough with the drama. Honestly, I think it was a valid and honest response. I wish I had said that to a few friends.
HammerzToe 4 years ago
This makes me so sad. Maybe it's time to get another family. A family of the heart. They will support you, listen to you, nurture you.
#29
I was honest with friends when I was younger and it just made me a target. If you show weakness you open yourself up to abuse. I think there's only 3 options really.
Therapy. Find an outside person with no social connection to you.
Work out to burn off those emotions.
Take ecstasy and overshare with people who are also on ecstasy. It's the only time in my life I've been able to do that and not be judged for it.
Logic and Reason 4 years ago
Therapy- yes, if you can afford it. Exercise- totally! Ecstasy- Terrible idea. There are outlets to share your feelings without being on dangerous and illegal drugs.
Susan Widomski 4 years ago
I agree. The problem with drugs or alcohol is that they wear off. The sooner you recognize this, the less likely you will be to over use the "cure". When we confide in people as our younger selves - some of those people are not mature enough to help you. Keep looking for a better way to go and you will find it.
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Tom De Paul 4 years ago
MDMA (Ecstasy) was initially used in therapy sessions for this purpose. And is now being used in the treatment of PTSD. Stop being judgemental in a post on being judgemental.
Gwen Parker 4 years ago
There's even a VICE episode on MDMA use for PTSD. It's been used for things like marriage counseling and connecting with others for decades. Everyone should try it at least once in their lifetime.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I support therapy and exercise Ecstasy, no. You can write, paint, sing, get into martial arts, but please not illegal drugs. I don't even like legal ones half the time.... And I'm on 'em.
#30
Divorce
Christine M Quigley 4 years ago
Oh, yeah.. and everything leading up to it..Awful. Worst experience of my life. Cried for months. but, good riddance.
#31
Like every other shield, you drop it you get stabed or shot. The only time you drop the shield is when the other person can't hurt you or you know really damn well that they won't. I don't drop my shield.
#32
My ex was incredibly manipulative. As we were nearing the end of our relationship there were two distinct times that were the final nails in the coffin so to speak.
The first was when I was trying to salvage the marriage, I asked her to be more involved. Told her I didn't feel loved and that it felt like she had checked out. She didn't try with the kids, the house, sex or me. I said I wanted more. She told me if I didn't like it I should leave. How someone who supposedly loved me could say that to my face when I was trying to tell her I was unhappy was beyond me.
The second was. a few months later. I got tired of trying to hide things and emotionally broke down one day. Ugly crying and all. I told her I was unhappy and I wanted to leave. I didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. I told her basically all the things I had said before. She was a bit upset. But she said "I never thought you would leave, so I stopped trying" To this day that still echos through my head.
We got divorced a few months later. The hardest thing I have ever done! But, I am so much freaking happier now!
Paradise 4 years ago
Someone was downvoted for suggesting the wife was depressed. BP glitches and wont show it again when I hit more comments. True, People want ro read and inrerpret how they want. So easy to paint the other person the bad guy with such little information. If we heard from the wife we may change our tune a bit. This guy is valid in his emotions but there are multiple sides to a story.
Izzy Curer 4 years ago
I wonder if the wife was depressed. Checked out, not helping out, no libido. If someone were to come up to a depressed person and ask them to do more, I could maybe see them responding fatalistically 'well, fine, then leave'...
El muerto 4 years ago
she could also have done all that to force him to break up, so she didn't come off as the villan...there is a thousand possible reassons why, but you choose the one that invalidate his feelings.
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#33
I really don’t talk about it honestly. I could write a couple of books, on the failures of empathy and camaraderie I’ve encountered throughout my life. I feel like I would be dashing the hopes of any men who want a peaceful and meaningful life.
I’ve not been flaunted, but I’ve been taken advantage of, disdained, spat on, dismissed, laughed at, physically assaulted, threatened, later jumped, and made a literal new target of ethnic gangs.
I honestly recommend just finding a therapist, it’s a literal cultural crime on every continent to be weak as a man. At least a therapist is expected to be rational and cultured.
El Dee 4 years ago
This is true, the part about it being a 'cultural crime...to be weak as a man' I don't think it is weakness to recognise when you need some help/support. If you had a broken leg you would be expected to visit the doctor. When the damage is unseen it is still just as bad and needs dealt with. Sadly societal sexism persists in both men and women which prevents men from receiving help from anyone, man or woman. This is damaging for all of society and makes absolutely no sense. It places an unfairly heavy burden on men and makes illness more difficult to deal with and more severe for men..
#34
I was discussing with a classmate (yes we have classmates here like high school) in college about how I live with my brother but we haven't spoked in more than 4 years because we can't stand each other and how it feels so weird when people mention their siblings as great friends. A week later, I was angry at something in class and he said "...and you know this is why you don't even speak to your brother, not talking to your own brother what kinda attitude..." and made a huge fuss about it that day I stopped our discussion to the bear minimum ever since. There's also this girl who I got close to and I would listen to her issues and help as much as I can we have similar problems but she at times would made fun of my body type or just laugh. Specially one time I was talking about how I don't wear Nike Air Forces because of my skinny ankles and I could hear her behind me laughing. Knowing that she has a body type that made her really insecure I never understand how she could be so mean. Fast forward months later she asked me out on a date I declined.
Katy 4 years ago
Maybe she didn"t mean the laughing in a bad way if she asked you on a date...you know some girls are also insecure and doing weird things when trying to get an attention of a boy. Maybe she thought you are making a joke so she laughed. Just saying...
El muerto 4 years ago
if she punch you is because she likes you...I've heard
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#35
To quote Danny, "the last time I gave a [damn], I got [screwed]." Plenty of folks say that men should be more open and honest with their emotions, but nobody actually wants to hear or help deal with those emotions unless they're getting a paycheck for it.
#36
Anytime my ex needed help or support, I was always there to lend a hand. Anytime I needed help and support, when I'd lose jobs due to my various mental issues, when I needed to cry, when I was at my lowest points with them, all of a sudden our relationship was drifting apart, we're on separate paths, they wanted to go on breaks.
#37
Aunt and I(M) got into a fight, I was 16 the time. It was a misunderstanding. She was shouting that I cursed at her when I didn’t even knew she was there. Parents were unreasonable and kept telling me that I shouldn’t have shouted back because they were older even though they were in the wrong. Told my girlfriend and some of my new friends at the new school. They were very helpful in the messages, morning comes and they were laughing at a part of the story I told them which didn’t really mattered in comparison to what I felt. Didn’t talk or came near them for 3 days. Girlfriend apologized though when I told her how insensitive it was.
#38
I told my employer about how I was going through a divorce because my quality at work was being effect and that I was going to see a counselor who volunteered at an addiction recovery and who convinced me to volunteer and teach recovering addicts how to keep bees as therapy. My employer later accused me of stealing $15000 worth of bee things and honey with no evidence and illegally searched my storage shed where I kept my personal bee things at a private yard. Later he reduced my hours from 40 to 4 to try and get me to quit. Which worked as I had to commute 45 minutes to work and for 4 hours a week, split between 3 days, it wasn't worth it.
#39
In my exit interview with a company that nearly drove me to suicide, I shared a few personal details hoping to make a few people realize just how bad things had gotten. The company had purposefully put me in absolutely horrible situations year after year because they knew I was dedicated and dependable. What started out as my dream job quickly spiraled into a soul-sucking abusive and hostile work environment, and the executives and HR couldn't have cared less since they were getting monstrous bonuses. As a thank you for my efforts, the company demoted me, cut my pay, kicked me out of my own department, and dumped 3 people's jobs on me in the process. I had enough and I quit. In the exit interview, I remained professional and calm. When HR asked me why I was leaving, I had every reason bullet-pointed and shared them calmly and verbatim. I also accused HR of knowing the reasons and hiding it because it garnished her favor with new management. She looked shocked, which was a completely fabricated reaction. At one point I said "This company continually put me in situations that were entirely unacceptable, knowingly hostile, and the responsibility for the well being, safety, and security of most employees here was on my shoulders, yet I had zero support from day one. I internalized the stress for too long, and by the time I realized the severity, it was too late. I was in the hospital multiple times dealing with chronic pain and suicide attempts. The company even felt it was acceptable to have customers call me directly while I was in a hospital bed. I wasn't even allowed to take time off when half of my family died. Where were you? On vacation. Where was everyone else? Heads in the sand. You knew, you did nothing." I was promptly asked to leave the building. I haven't worked there in several years now, and I hear that my name still gets brought up on a weekly basis. HR leaked my statement through gossip, and it got back to me by a few former colleagues. That company hired so many unethical people all at once, I think Satan himself wouldn't dare step foot in there.
Raine Soo 4 years ago
Human resources is there to protect the company, not you. My best friend was sexually molested by a co-worker, and the first thing the company said was: "I wouldn't press charges or take legal action against us if I were you." And, they never fired the perpetrator either because he denied everything, and it became a game of 'he said, she said.' HR told her that they didn't have enough proof to terminate his employment. She was in a deep depression about it for a long time.
#40
I was kind of dating a woman, she wanted me to have a STD test just to make sure i didn't had anything, so we could have some intimacy without protection and without worries (she was on the pill). I had the opportunity to have sex, but i declined because i wanted to respect what she told me, next day she returned with her abusive ex boyfriend. We had plans for the summer and everything was gone in a second. It hurt.
I would say i dodged a bullet.
Brigitte 4 years ago
I don't get it. You wanted to respect her but didn't want to get tested? What's wrong with asking for a STD test? I think she was the responsible one here.
Jackie 4 years ago
He denied another opportunity to have sex not the test if I’m reading this correctly
Load More Replies... #41
It's really sad to hear how things typically go for you guys but I'm loving how supportive everyone is in the comments!
#42
You remember that meme if that guy getting shot by dozens of hundreds of arrows? Thats what happend when I did it out in public
#43
Haha, I have some guilt issues from some war [stuff], and when I get drunk it slips out and everything gets awkward. Literally the only people who don’t give me [damn] for expressing it are strippers, and that I is only if I am paying.
I understand why though. Horrible things horrify people, and they want to distance themselves from it. When I drop that on people it is rude of me, because who wants to think about that?
NGL I have caught myself doing the same thing, but now that I am aware, I am much more sympathetic.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago (edited)
This may be difficult but expressing yourself like that to strangers would be extremely awkward. I would either speak to someone close to you or a therapist. You shouldn't expect much from a stranger. I can't imagine what you are going through but I hope you find someone you can talk to.
#44
One thing I've noticed is that if I explain my problems through humour then everything is fine. If I explain them seriously, as I've only done maybe 2 or 3 times... every time they have either left me or ghosted me
My feeling is that, at least with the women I've met and talked to, they only care about your issues so long as it doesn't affect them. As long as you're still going to deal with it yourself and they don't need to do anything, you're fine. If you actually need comforting at any moment or anything, it's over. I've had a couple women say basically exactly that. I remember one in particular talking about her husband and saying 'I don't want to think of him as weak, but I do'. Sounds like it's not even in their control
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
This attitude of men opening up as being weak needs to stop. It takes a lot of effort for many to open up, to me that is strong, not weak.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Sadly you're the exception to the rule. Men know that if they open up they'll either get rejected or ridiculed. Even by the persons they love and respect the most. So why even bother and risk being hurt over the things that hurt you? Just keep your mouth shut and fight your demons alone. And don't forget to smile.
Load More Replies... #45
I always try to let the women I care about know how I'm feeling genuinely, not just what I tell my mates. But everytime I do this I end up catching feelings for my best friends when they have no interest in me and am completely oblivious to the ones who do/ did actually like me. The vicious cycle has been going on for 3 years now and I wish I knew how to fix it and have lost 3/4 potential dates.
#46
I was a late bloomer romantically - not a "nice guy" or a creeper, I just had some serious self-worth/depression issues. I'd been in very good shape, had a stable job, and had hobbies that had me in the outdoors and with the best of friends. So when the first girl that I clicked with after I'd decided to give dating a try dumped me after finding out that I'd been a virgin, it didn't feel great. Apparently bringing a flower to a date for her had been pathetic, as well. I hadn't been hiding it from her or been in love or anything, but someone basically telling me that I was clingy and weird just because I'd never really tried. to be with someone until my mid-20s.
Bettie-Jean Neal 4 years ago
I love it when a guy gives me a flower or an entire bouquet - wild flower, buttercup, dandelion, roses, carnations (my favorite), tulips, etc. Love them all. It's super romantic and says you were thinking of me. So sweet!!!
#47
Every time I open up to a woman, trust in her, invest in her emotionally, she ends up running away. Then with women where I'm not invested, even when I tell them in no uncertain terms they go in hard and want me to be all lovey dovey with her. So I think I'm done with the whole love and vulnerability [stuff].
#48
So, when i was still trying to make my marriage work, my therapist advised me to open up to my ex wife about my past. So i did just that. After i told her the second story about my sister, she threw it back in my face the day. Told my therapist “yep, not doing that again.” Therapist agreed available introduced me to a marriage counselor. That back fired too.
#49
This isn't earth-shatteringly bad like some people, but me and my girlfriend are long distance, and the pandemic means we've not seen eachother in almost 9 months at this point. That's caused some friction.
She too has previously pulled the 'you need to open up and communicate your problems' line on me, which to an extent I get, I'm quite a reserved person. But despite my warnings at the time that she might not like what she hears, she still gets incredibly hurt when I criticise her even the slightest bit or tries to one-up me when I complain about how things in my life are going.
I'm sticking with it because its what she repeatedly says she wants, but I don't think its done our relationship any favours. She gets to feel insecure and upset because I say things I'd otherwise have kept secret, and I get to feel guilty for making her feel that way with none of the catharsis of actually venting to someone who cares.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
This relationship isn't good for either of them and I just don't understand why they stick together. They would be much happier if they broke up.
#50
I have nothing to add, other than I echo other men's sentiments here. There's a reason its called being vulnerable: because you're leaving yourself open to being hurt. So be careful. It sucks but that's the world we live in.
#51
I was told I had no fire or passion and my girlfriend was attracted to me when we argued and I showed a bit of "spark"
Another time I told my mum about my anxiety and depression diagnosis. She storrmed upstairs and told me I was lucky because in the 80s id have been thrown out of the house and there was some show where that happened and this guy was crying and that would be me...
All very bizarre.
What do you think ?
elStiJneriNO 4 years ago
as a man who has had similar stories. luckily no heartbreaking ones but you learn to hide a lot very young anyway. i would like to acknowledge this kind of things also happen to women too. So my sympathy goes out to all, as this is not a battle about who gets abused most.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
This just makes me so sad but also angry. Angry at the people who ask you to open up to then just throw it in your face. These people clearly struggle with empathy. I hope these men can find someone to love, care for and to listen to them, even if it's uncomfortable. They are our father's, brothers, sons etc and if we keep ignoring their needs, we will continue to see the high rates of male suicide. My heart goes to all of you.
Daria B 4 years ago
I second all that you said. I just want to add -> not only suicide, but violence in general, even homicide. Abuse can manifest into harm towards others as well as self-harm. It's important for the men as individuals, but also for an overall healthy society. We need to really spread the real love, not only the cutsey hearties.
Load More Replies...
Sue Bradley 4 years ago
To all of the people who have made posts here I urge you to see a therapist - if you've seen one before then find a new one. None of you deserve to live with these awful memories that have hurt and scarred you. You all deserve better, with a good therapist you can learn how to safely say what you want to without judgement, and how to safely put the feelings and memories away, then move forward with your lives. Best wishes to all of you Xxx
Cold Contagious 4 years ago
This is very true. Find a therapist that you mesh well with, it may take a few attempts to find the right one but it's worth it. Having someone in your life to validate your feelings and help you find your path through the process and a light at the end can be very freeing. Every person in this article (and beyond) deserves to have support, care, empathy, and a listening ear, free from judgement or retribution.
Load More Replies... Izzy Curer 4 years ago
Here's the thing, though. When children see their dads acting emotional or vulnerable, they no longer think that it's a big deal when they grow up. My dad was this way. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, and I'm thankful for it. These stories simply baffle me. Tbh, I've seen quite a few men cry, or tell me their very ordinary, human emotions, and it just never seemed... like a transgression. It was just two people talking. So, if nothing else, don't open up for your girlfriend or wife, open up for your kids.
emily sandoval 4 years ago
I once wrote a letter to my mom because it was hard for me to tell her my feelings verbally so I wrote a letter she LITERALLY didn't even read it and tore the letter right in my face and threw it in the trash. I cried that night. :/
Ashamba 4 years ago (edited)
We all start off immature, without empathy or tact. Some people learn early, but some people never learn... Best to avoid them if you can spot them (in the getting-to-know-you phase, ask questions that make them talk about people- you can learn a lot from the way a person talks about their friends when they're trying to make an impression - if they are derogatory or competitive it's a red flag.)
Viviane 4 years ago
Good idea! I recently broke off a long friendship. I had been disillusioned for years, but hearing them talk about other friends didn't help.
Load More Replies...
Forty Seven Pandas 4 years ago
I'm seeing a lot of comments tha are basically "Not All Women", in reaction to this men sharing their experiences with women. Obviously not all women are this way, but it is a fact that many if not most women around the world are deeply affected by patriarchal ideas of what a strong man is. Many women expect a good, strong man to be one who "keeps it together" under difficult situations. It isn't fair, and hopefully we (men and women) can work towards changing that.
Raine Soo 4 years ago
The reverse sort of happened to me. My first boyfriend in my adulthood confided in me, shared his feelings, and cried when things weren't going his way. In other words, he was not shy about expressing himself. I was always supportive, and never laughed or belittled him. We were together for almost five years. Somewhere between year 4 and year 5, he told me that I was uninspiring, that I didn't inspire him to do better, to want to do better. Yeah, that was a slap in the face. Thanks a heap buddy.
Kari Panda 4 years ago (edited)
I worry that this thread may discourage men (and maybe women) from opening up. Please be reminded that if someone is a jerk to you because you‘re showing emotions, the problem lies with them, not you. Or in other words: would you think badly of a friend/family member if they came to you and told you about their struggles? Before you care about someone’s opinion about you, take a step back and decide whether their opinion should even matter to you. Maybe your wife/friend/parent will laugh at you or worse if you open up to them, but then they‘re not good people to have in your life to begin with.
Car addict 4 years ago
i had a gf who gotten mad at me for not showing up to school on the my sister died 3 years ago and i dont want people to see me upset and the struggling side of me and she said i was still wrong and i needed to suck it up and i told her about my suicidal thoughts and she laughed in my face and my what was friend said that i need to stop being so selfish and talked of all the people that she know that died.......its different when you have watched 4 people die and your sister taken from you too
Viviane 4 years ago
You've been through a lot. Of course you should get support for that! Are there counselors you can talk to? Or online groups? Years ago, I used an online group while recovering from trauma. It helped in that I knew I wasn't alone or unusual or selfish.
Load More Replies... elStiJneriNO 4 years ago
as a man who has had similar stories. luckily no heartbreaking ones but you learn to hide a lot very young anyway. i would like to acknowledge this kind of things also happen to women too. So my sympathy goes out to all, as this is not a battle about who gets abused most.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
This just makes me so sad but also angry. Angry at the people who ask you to open up to then just throw it in your face. These people clearly struggle with empathy. I hope these men can find someone to love, care for and to listen to them, even if it's uncomfortable. They are our father's, brothers, sons etc and if we keep ignoring their needs, we will continue to see the high rates of male suicide. My heart goes to all of you.
Daria B 4 years ago
I second all that you said. I just want to add -> not only suicide, but violence in general, even homicide. Abuse can manifest into harm towards others as well as self-harm. It's important for the men as individuals, but also for an overall healthy society. We need to really spread the real love, not only the cutsey hearties.
Load More Replies... Sue Bradley 4 years ago
To all of the people who have made posts here I urge you to see a therapist - if you've seen one before then find a new one. None of you deserve to live with these awful memories that have hurt and scarred you. You all deserve better, with a good therapist you can learn how to safely say what you want to without judgement, and how to safely put the feelings and memories away, then move forward with your lives. Best wishes to all of you Xxx
Cold Contagious 4 years ago
This is very true. Find a therapist that you mesh well with, it may take a few attempts to find the right one but it's worth it. Having someone in your life to validate your feelings and help you find your path through the process and a light at the end can be very freeing. Every person in this article (and beyond) deserves to have support, care, empathy, and a listening ear, free from judgement or retribution.
Load More Replies... Izzy Curer 4 years ago
Here's the thing, though. When children see their dads acting emotional or vulnerable, they no longer think that it's a big deal when they grow up. My dad was this way. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, and I'm thankful for it. These stories simply baffle me. Tbh, I've seen quite a few men cry, or tell me their very ordinary, human emotions, and it just never seemed... like a transgression. It was just two people talking. So, if nothing else, don't open up for your girlfriend or wife, open up for your kids.
emily sandoval 4 years ago
I once wrote a letter to my mom because it was hard for me to tell her my feelings verbally so I wrote a letter she LITERALLY didn't even read it and tore the letter right in my face and threw it in the trash. I cried that night. :/
Ashamba 4 years ago (edited)
We all start off immature, without empathy or tact. Some people learn early, but some people never learn... Best to avoid them if you can spot them (in the getting-to-know-you phase, ask questions that make them talk about people- you can learn a lot from the way a person talks about their friends when they're trying to make an impression - if they are derogatory or competitive it's a red flag.)
Viviane 4 years ago
Good idea! I recently broke off a long friendship. I had been disillusioned for years, but hearing them talk about other friends didn't help.
Load More Replies... Forty Seven Pandas 4 years ago
I'm seeing a lot of comments tha are basically "Not All Women", in reaction to this men sharing their experiences with women. Obviously not all women are this way, but it is a fact that many if not most women around the world are deeply affected by patriarchal ideas of what a strong man is. Many women expect a good, strong man to be one who "keeps it together" under difficult situations. It isn't fair, and hopefully we (men and women) can work towards changing that.
Raine Soo 4 years ago
The reverse sort of happened to me. My first boyfriend in my adulthood confided in me, shared his feelings, and cried when things weren't going his way. In other words, he was not shy about expressing himself. I was always supportive, and never laughed or belittled him. We were together for almost five years. Somewhere between year 4 and year 5, he told me that I was uninspiring, that I didn't inspire him to do better, to want to do better. Yeah, that was a slap in the face. Thanks a heap buddy.
Kari Panda 4 years ago (edited)
I worry that this thread may discourage men (and maybe women) from opening up. Please be reminded that if someone is a jerk to you because you‘re showing emotions, the problem lies with them, not you. Or in other words: would you think badly of a friend/family member if they came to you and told you about their struggles? Before you care about someone’s opinion about you, take a step back and decide whether their opinion should even matter to you. Maybe your wife/friend/parent will laugh at you or worse if you open up to them, but then they‘re not good people to have in your life to begin with.
Car addict 4 years ago
i had a gf who gotten mad at me for not showing up to school on the my sister died 3 years ago and i dont want people to see me upset and the struggling side of me and she said i was still wrong and i needed to suck it up and i told her about my suicidal thoughts and she laughed in my face and my what was friend said that i need to stop being so selfish and talked of all the people that she know that died.......its different when you have watched 4 people die and your sister taken from you too
Viviane 4 years ago
You've been through a lot. Of course you should get support for that! Are there counselors you can talk to? Or online groups? Years ago, I used an online group while recovering from trauma. It helped in that I knew I wasn't alone or unusual or selfish.
Load More Replies...
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