Exhausted Mom Lists Society’s Impossible Expectations She’s Supposed To Fulfill
“Don’t settle for second best, you can have it all!” These kinds of positive, motivational slogans are often used to empower women, to show that there are no limits to ambition and that a woman needn’t have to choose between a successful career and a fulfilling family life.
But is there a danger of these good-intentioned attitudes actually doing more harm than good? Many women now feel an intense pressure to live up to these high standards, and ‘show’ society that hard work, dedication and superhuman organizational skills can make ‘having it all’ a perfectly achievable goal. But rarely do we see the reality behind the carefully curated Instagram accounts, Pinterests and perfectly maintained smiles of these uber-moms, many of whom could be at breaking point trying to juggle their responsibilities and maintain the facade.
Image credits: Sarah Buckley Friedberg
Enter mother-of-three Sarah Buckley Friedberg, also microbiology manager for a medical device company, dog owner, loving wife and many, many other things. Sarah is pretty much done pretending that she’s breezing through motherhood, and ‘having it all’ is just a piece of cake. In a now viral Facebook post, she decided to lay it all out on the table in an amusingly written, eye-opening rant that shows just how crazy society’s expectations of American moms have become.
Image credits: Sarah Buckley Friedberg
European women might relate to Sarah’s post slightly less, with generous assistance to new mothers helping to decrease the levels of stress associated with juggling a career and a new family member. In an analysis of maternity leave in 42 countries by the Organization of Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), all of the top 10 most generous countries were in Europe, with laws allowing women to take dozens of weeks paid leave. On top of this many countries also offer a compulsory paternity leave too, to give the father valuable time to nurture and connect with his children. Countries like Denmark also offer heavily-subsidized childcare for when mom and dad are ready to go back to work.
At the other end of the scale is the United States, which is the least generous member of all industrialized nations. Women in the U.S. are not guaranteed any paid maternity leave at all, it is left to individual employers to decide how much to offer. Because, you know, anything else would be COMMUNISM.
What do you think? Should American women be entitled to compulsory maternity leave? Are American mothers overworked and overstressed trying to ‘have it all?’ Let us know what you think in the comments!
Scroll down to read what people had to say, as well as further insights from Sarah herself
Speaking to Bored Panda, Sarah explained that she wrote the post out of frustration on a particularly rough day. “I had a really hard and long day working and the kids were tired and cranky and it was one of those days they everything just felt really hard,” she told us. “Some days I feel like everything is going well, I’m keeping everything going. Thursday was not like that. After the kids were in bed I sat down and wrote a very quick rant about life and society’s expectations for working moms. I did not plan on it taking off as it did!”
“The reaction has been amazing. It is so great to see that it resonates so loudly with so many people. It goes to show that I’m not alone in feeling like it is hard.”
Sarah was fortunate in that she received maternity leave for all of her 3 children. “My company is much better than most in the US and I am grateful for the time I had,” she said. “I can only imagine how hard it is for the parents who have much less time. However, as a whole, the US can do much better to support new parents.”
“My husband is wonderful. He does more than half of the childcare and housework. But if the kids are sick, and the school has both of our phone numbers, they call me. The doctor also calls me to schedule their appointments. My husband gets a medal for taking the kids out in public.”
And what has she taken from her post and the reactions to it? “Instead of saying yes to absolutely everything, and being the one who handles and plans everything, I need to be mindful about priorities and not listen to societal pressure to have the perfect house/ body/ yard/ etc.”
I had five daughters, nursed four and worked up until the last one was born - and even then worked from a home office. Know what I learned? That as I take each step in my life - only I really know how the road beneath me feels... and I adjust or I don't adjust... but each step is still "my" decision. – It's great when friends give advice, but advice should never be confused with "expectations". Nope... mothering "my way" here. Good news is that all five grew up and are really amazing women. :)
Wow! Congratulations! It must be tough. My mom also raised 5 of us while working as a middle school teacher, even through a war and a change of regimes. But did our home look perfect clean and all? Did she wear fancy schmency clothes every day with a perfect hairstyle? Did she have a healthy sleep schedule? Did she go to the gym regularly? Did she buy us all our eyes desired from TV? Did she go skiing every winter? I guess we all know the answer is a big fat "NO!". I agree with you. It's about choices, priorities and self-sacrifice. But here we are criticising a mindset that expects you to be the way that is even mathematically impossible, given the day time limit. Some of these are good advice, as you say, true, but I've seen it second hand so many times, not everyone's "advice" is not criticism, sadly. The key is, we all really need to be more considerate and think before opening our mouths. *shrug*
Carol, what you say is so true. However, our mom and dad are both retired teachers. So that "while you're at work" part, well, we're at school too, if we're old enough to do housework. Anyway, I'm not saying we lived in a dirthole, or that we didn't do anything, it was just not that super duper presentably tidy. It's an old building in the city centre.
The key to a clean home when you are a working mom is to teach the kids how to clean while you are at work. My mother had chore charts for us. There were rewards for completing your part of the chores and consequences for not doing your part. It taught us to responsibility and gave us a great work ethic. It also taught us how to work together with our siblings..because if one of us couldn't keep up with their chores..the rest would pitch in and help to get it done.
This comment has been deleted.
correction : society for american working moms, other countries have 1-3 years paid leave.
Not in Korea. Not yet at least.
In UK your allowed up to a year off, it's not fully paid though (and the minimum payment for maternity leave is very low)
Here in Germany we have additionally to the maternity leave the parental leave. Cause you know, you also need a father to make the child and hopefully he will also be there because he loves his kid too. Most of my friends took 50/50 parental leave. At least 6 Month for each of them to bond with their kid. Maternal leave is only a couple of weeks before and after birth.
3 years? wow! in canada (province of quebec) it's around 1 years and if you're Lucky you can get out in paid leave as soon as you told you're pregnant
In Bulgaria you can have up to 3 years, but only 2 are paid, the 3rd is unpaid,but they keep your place in your job. The the first year you get 80% of you salary and the second year you get a very little payment that is even below minimum salary, something like 220 USD per month. All of this isn't government founded, it's funded by a part of the social security taxes that are deducted from our salary every month. So for the one that asked why should the government or the employer cover for me - they don't, I cover for myself with my taxes.
If a person doesn't have children can they then use the social security taxes they paid to take a long break from work? If they can't then your government enforced system is not only ridiculous, its completely unequal.
Nope, not where I'm from (we get 10 weeks maternity leave); at my job you're not even allowed to go part-time or take unpaid leave.
Exactly! It's a frigging shame being the only civilized country that does not require paid maternity leave by law! (Or paid vacations)
You get 6 months paid leave in Ireland, but it's also at a reduced rate so it's less than your job paid. A lot of people can't afford the whole six months. And you can take another 3 with no pay.
Yeah, because women deserve to be paid for work they don't do. Can I get three free years of pay?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
...which is insane. Why should taxpayer / your employer cover for you? Not their kid tbh.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Women do NOT have to reproduce, they do it for their own selfish reasons. And letting our population go back down to sustainable levels is NOT a bad thing.
Half of the things from the list are self-imposed obligations. You choose
Very true... My mom raised 11 of us and she said there was no feeling of pressure. Yet my neighbor was a stay at home mom with 1 child and a nanny and a husband bringing home well over 6 figures and left him because she said it was too much pressure. I would say that social media plays a huge role. The whole point of social media is to connect and lots of people put their best foot forward for it to the point where others think thats the norm... ITS NOT.
"My mom raised 11 of us and she said there was no feeling of pressure" rightttttttttt......
You just tried to introduced a ridiculous amount of pressure with that comment.
Yes, but the point is that the pressure remains because there is constant yammering from society.
Completely agree. As are the rest of the comments below. This was her choice to go for yet another child. Also her choice to be subjected to the "social pressure"
I had five daughters, nursed four and worked up until the last one was born - and even then worked from a home office. Know what I learned? That as I take each step in my life - only I really know how the road beneath me feels... and I adjust or I don't adjust... but each step is still "my" decision. – It's great when friends give advice, but advice should never be confused with "expectations". Nope... mothering "my way" here. Good news is that all five grew up and are really amazing women. :)
Wow! Congratulations! It must be tough. My mom also raised 5 of us while working as a middle school teacher, even through a war and a change of regimes. But did our home look perfect clean and all? Did she wear fancy schmency clothes every day with a perfect hairstyle? Did she have a healthy sleep schedule? Did she go to the gym regularly? Did she buy us all our eyes desired from TV? Did she go skiing every winter? I guess we all know the answer is a big fat "NO!". I agree with you. It's about choices, priorities and self-sacrifice. But here we are criticising a mindset that expects you to be the way that is even mathematically impossible, given the day time limit. Some of these are good advice, as you say, true, but I've seen it second hand so many times, not everyone's "advice" is not criticism, sadly. The key is, we all really need to be more considerate and think before opening our mouths. *shrug*
Carol, what you say is so true. However, our mom and dad are both retired teachers. So that "while you're at work" part, well, we're at school too, if we're old enough to do housework. Anyway, I'm not saying we lived in a dirthole, or that we didn't do anything, it was just not that super duper presentably tidy. It's an old building in the city centre.
The key to a clean home when you are a working mom is to teach the kids how to clean while you are at work. My mother had chore charts for us. There were rewards for completing your part of the chores and consequences for not doing your part. It taught us to responsibility and gave us a great work ethic. It also taught us how to work together with our siblings..because if one of us couldn't keep up with their chores..the rest would pitch in and help to get it done.
This comment has been deleted.
correction : society for american working moms, other countries have 1-3 years paid leave.
Not in Korea. Not yet at least.
In UK your allowed up to a year off, it's not fully paid though (and the minimum payment for maternity leave is very low)
Here in Germany we have additionally to the maternity leave the parental leave. Cause you know, you also need a father to make the child and hopefully he will also be there because he loves his kid too. Most of my friends took 50/50 parental leave. At least 6 Month for each of them to bond with their kid. Maternal leave is only a couple of weeks before and after birth.
3 years? wow! in canada (province of quebec) it's around 1 years and if you're Lucky you can get out in paid leave as soon as you told you're pregnant
In Bulgaria you can have up to 3 years, but only 2 are paid, the 3rd is unpaid,but they keep your place in your job. The the first year you get 80% of you salary and the second year you get a very little payment that is even below minimum salary, something like 220 USD per month. All of this isn't government founded, it's funded by a part of the social security taxes that are deducted from our salary every month. So for the one that asked why should the government or the employer cover for me - they don't, I cover for myself with my taxes.
If a person doesn't have children can they then use the social security taxes they paid to take a long break from work? If they can't then your government enforced system is not only ridiculous, its completely unequal.
Nope, not where I'm from (we get 10 weeks maternity leave); at my job you're not even allowed to go part-time or take unpaid leave.
Exactly! It's a frigging shame being the only civilized country that does not require paid maternity leave by law! (Or paid vacations)
You get 6 months paid leave in Ireland, but it's also at a reduced rate so it's less than your job paid. A lot of people can't afford the whole six months. And you can take another 3 with no pay.
Yeah, because women deserve to be paid for work they don't do. Can I get three free years of pay?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
...which is insane. Why should taxpayer / your employer cover for you? Not their kid tbh.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Women do NOT have to reproduce, they do it for their own selfish reasons. And letting our population go back down to sustainable levels is NOT a bad thing.
Half of the things from the list are self-imposed obligations. You choose
Very true... My mom raised 11 of us and she said there was no feeling of pressure. Yet my neighbor was a stay at home mom with 1 child and a nanny and a husband bringing home well over 6 figures and left him because she said it was too much pressure. I would say that social media plays a huge role. The whole point of social media is to connect and lots of people put their best foot forward for it to the point where others think thats the norm... ITS NOT.
"My mom raised 11 of us and she said there was no feeling of pressure" rightttttttttt......
You just tried to introduced a ridiculous amount of pressure with that comment.
Yes, but the point is that the pressure remains because there is constant yammering from society.
Completely agree. As are the rest of the comments below. This was her choice to go for yet another child. Also her choice to be subjected to the "social pressure"