Living alone is the ultimate in self-care, no questions needed. Anyone who’s been-there-done-that knows the neverending list of underrated advantages it brings, and if you don’t, be sure to check our previous post about it right here.
This, however, doesn’t imply if a person is in a relationship or not. And although many loners would say that there’s no bigger love than your love for yourself, having a partner can be a real blessing, too. Think of all the couples’ things you can do, little quirks you can share, wholesome moments you can have, and all the romance that accumulates throughout the years.
So in order to find out what it's like having a partner, we looked at this thread on r/AskWomen where people shared their answers to the question “What is the most intimate, non-sex thing you do with your partner?” Turns out that intimacy differs sooo much from one couple to another that we can’t possibly make a universal conclusion, but we can surely say this is wholesome turned up to the max.
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One time, awhile ago, I had a very bad panic attack and he carried me into his car, drove me to his place, brought me upstairs, and cuddled and slept with his entire body encompassing me, just repeating 'you’re safe here.' When I would wake up in a dead panic throughout the night, he would pull me closer and just pet my head to calm me down and say 'I’m here.
To find out more about navigating the complex and sometimes difficult world of intimacy in a relationship and how we can grow closer to our partner, Bored Panda spoke with Francis Merson, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of the Paris Psychology Centre.
According to Merson, the main thing that prevents intimacy in long-term relationships is lack of time. “When couples initially get together they tend to prioritize quality time – going on dates, picnics, to the movies, spending long mornings in bed together, etc.” However, “the trend across the lifespan of a relationship is for these shared activities to gradually reduce,” he argues.
“Then you’re left with two people wondering: how did we drift apart? So for closeness to flourish, it needs the right conditions, and the most important of these is time.”
He plays love songs on the piano while I stand behind him kissing the back of his head. I almost cry sometimes.
He's autistic and doesn't do verbal affection, but he finds ways to show me that he loves me.
I dunno if this counts but I got my husband through his fight with Hodgkin's Lyphoma and his relapse a year later. It was just him and me, we have a small support system and none of them live locally.
The relapse meant a bone marrow transplant. Sh*t. Is. No. Joke. Literally brings you to the brink of death and back.
My husband is a 6 foot strong scottish man and when we were in the thick of it I had to push him in a wheelchair at the hospital cause getting from the car to the door was all he could do. He looked nothing like himself either, hairless, pale. I was bathing, dressing, feeding him, managing his many medications (and the side effects -violent vommiting) and getting him to and from the hospital on a daily basis.
I have a very clear memory of helping him get into new pj's one morning and thinking "I knew I might have to care for him like this....but I also thought it would be in my 70's, not at the ripe old age of 34...."
Being a caregiver for your loved one in and of itself is a crazy intimate experience, you see someone at their absolute worst/weakest and somehow you find new strenght in yourself at the same time.
That ordeal changed us, obviously. We definitely have had a new level of intamicy since. It's bonded us in a way that I can't put into words.
My husband has been cancer free for 4 years this past September. It took a long time for him to shake the side effects from all the chemo but as of earlier this year we really feel like we've moved forward and left that battle behind us.
For all of you fighting the good fight or supporting someone who is - we got our happy ending and I wish that so hard for all of you. Stay strong.
When he wraps himself around me tightly while cuddling/spooning, and calls it “maximum security”
If I’m feeling sad, he’ll tease me and be like “Aw does someone need maximum security?” It’s very sweet
“The other important condition is, of course, how you spend that time. A helpful question to ask yourself (and your partner) is: what were the things we used to do that made us close in the first place? Maybe you went camping together, or saw friends together, simply texted each other memes more often,” Merson said. Whatever these things are, they can be reintroduced into the relationship to rekindle closeness.
Another strategy to grow closer to your partner is to choose a new shared activity that you do together. Merson argues that ideally, this should be something that you both enjoy, and where you can work together as a team. “You could learn a language together, or bake something you both love to eat, or get your hands dirty on a new renovation project. When you achieve something positive as a couple, this tends to build emotional bonds of closeness.”
My partner died 10 months ago. Reading this warms my heart. We shared many of the same things you’re all describing (cuddling, being sick together, being in hospital, being able to say/do the weirdest things without repercussions, sharing our tears, grooming each other).
I think one of my favorite things was that we had a whole little language no one else understood. Little mannerisms and abbreviations and gestures that were only funny or meaningful to us. We could also just tell what the other was thinking after 13 years of knowing each other. I could tell he was thirsty just by the way he looked around the room. We walked into a busy cafe once and he immediately knew I wanted to leave so we could find somewhere quieter.
My partner was also an Afghanistan veteran. I feel privileged to have loved and supported him through that experience. It was a big part of his life.
I cherish all that. These intimate things are the things your special relationships are made of.
I scratch his back and head. He was telling me how his mom would scratch his back and it is a very intimate thing for him. His grandma would scratch his head until he fell asleep.
Ever since he told me that, I’ve been trying my best to stay awake long enough that he falls asleep from head scratches too, as he has trouble falling asleep. Last night I finally held out long enough. I could hear his breathing change and his body relax and felt him fall asleep under my hand and I don’t know why, but I was the happiest in the world because I could do something for him like that - someone I really care about. He told me I was amazing and I just melted. I hope to do it more often
That's really great thing you are doing for him. And it's beautiful that he appreciate that.
I think the most intimate thing happened during my second son’s birth a few months ago. I had given birth quickly and easily, but then began hemmoraging. They stood me up to go to the bathroom and blood began pooling down my legs and feet. Immediately back in bed, giving me shots and meds to try to stop it but it wouldn’t. The nurses were scared and a team ran in. My husband laid the baby down and held my hand- I was terrified I was dying and leaving them. I just kept looking into his eyes and telling him I was so scared, and he stayed calm and smiled and reassured me. I’m so lucky- they found a piece of retained placenta and were able to give me a second epidural and manually remove it. But I ended up losing almost 800 ml of blood. I really thought those could be my last moments, and I just locked eyes with him, trying to communicate everything I needed him to know about our family and my sons- but too scared to say any of it outloud. It was the most intimate moment of my life.
It turns out that emotional intimacy is what partners are for, assures Merson. “While you might not be able to open up to your colleagues or friends, a partner relationship can provide non-judgmental support and care you need to feel loved and truly seen. And this can be a wonderful source of strength.”
Even the research backs this up, as close relationships are predictors not only of emotional wellbeing, but also of longevity. “So emotional intimacy can actually make you live longer,” Merson said.
My boyfriend is a big guy with a lot of confidence, so it’s very adorable when he snuggles up to me like he’s teeny tiny. I’m also the big spoon 100% of the time. He can never know I posted this lol
Literally sleeping together. That’s not something I’ve done with another person for a VERY long time. Cuddling and eventually falling asleep in someone’s arms is very intimate and requires quite a bit of vulnerability
And it's something I miss way more than sex since my wife passed. It was the highlight of our day. We'd at least start off legs intertwined. It was just comforting no matter how bad the day had been.
Taking care of me when I was sick. We’ve been together for about a year and don’t live together. I had to cancel plans because I had the stomach bug (diarrhea and throwing up) and he came over and took care of me. Any man that can witness his girl sitting on the toilet and head in a trash can and still want to cuddle you and love on you is a keeper.
For anyone who’s struggling to build emotional intimacy in their relationship, they have to realize it’s all about openness. “If you’re not open with your partner, you can’t expect real connection – because you’re not giving them the real you to connect with. But opening up can be scary! You might hear a voice in your head telling you not to be vulnerable, because you will seem weak, or not to show how weird you really are, because you will be judged.”
Merson added that “it’s astonishing how much of ourselves we can hold back even with the people closest to us. To build intimacy, you have to disregard that toxic inner voice and be authentic about who you are and what you need from your partner.”
However, if you both open up, you end up knowing each other deeply, which is the path to deep connection and intimacy.
Cry together. Just holding each other as we both sob. We've had a lot of hard knocks since getting married young. But we are still so madly in love.
Sometimes we start giggling at a silly joke and end up just laughing together uncontrollably in bed before we go to sleep. It’s my favorite.
We're currently engaged in a Farting War, so there's that.
I recently started helping my SO trim his beard. It felt really intimate.
I’m African, he’s Middle Eastern. It took me a while but I eventually let him help with taking out my cornrows when I change hairstyles, and helping me wash/condition my hair. That’s pretty intimate to me.
Remove a stuck Diva Cup.
I love how my partner is comfortable with my period. I have changed tampons in the same room with him. It feels very natural and relaxing. Also I am trying to cover an annoying comment here.
Although I'm good at sleeping long nights I have trouble actually falling asleep. We'll cuddle and with his big voice he'll invent a story so that I can doze off to his soft base-like golden sound.
Once, he summarized Star Wars episodes 1 to 3 since I hadn't seen them and expressed how much they sucked compared to the rest. It was amazing.
My boyfriend draws and sometimes he draws me naked. Granted it's a prelude to sex some times but not all the time. It's super intimate, watching him quietly concentrate and do his work while sort of examining parts of me.
I used to be super self conscious, so just laying there and being out in the open is sort of freeing and idk. Just feels close.
I'm sure that behavior is great for your relationship. Unless you don't like the drawing :) Kidding, it's really great.
He likes to call me different nicknames, one of them being “peach.” So, whenever he wants to cuddle, he says “peach time?” and we cuddle and just lay there together. It’s honestly one of my favorite things in the world.
My husband likes to straight up lay on me with his head on my chest and fall asleep like that on the couch, like a toddler would. It’s so sweet I absolutely love it:)
Washing each other. We'll do full service: pits, buttcrack, etc., literally whole body. Rarely turns sexual for us. A lot of times we do it after sex when we're done cuddling (:
Another is probably medical care for each other. I have a bad back, so he'll help me move in bed if it's a rough day, or put on my shoes and stuff. Helps me keep my callouses in check on my feet lol. I try to help him with acne (much to his distaste) and other grooming or medical needs I can meet of his.
Cooking together. Getting close and dancing around each other to get a spice or utensil, or to taste test something. It may sound cheesy, but I think it’s so intimate.
Let him see some of my OCD rituals that I don't let anyone else see.
Letting somebody see how you truly behave, talk, etc. is probably one of the most vulnerable and intimate experiences that can be exchanged in a relationship. This is important.
He goes to bed much later than I do, but he puts me to bed every night. I lay my head on his chest and play with his beard while he rubs my head. Then I will usually tell him, "I need some skin," and I will untuck his shirt, and put my hand up inside under his shirt and rub his chest/play with his chest hair as he rubs my head, until I fall asleep. It is my favorite time of the day, by far!
I have really severe chronic depression that intensifies during the winter months. Sometimes I have days where I’ll spiral into this black hole of fear and hopelessness, and my lover will just hold me as tight as he can and tell me how much he loves me and how it’ll be okay. It helps more than I can express, and it’s so comforting to know that he’s seen me in such a vulnerable state and still continues to love me the same. To me, it’s more intimate than any sexual act could be.
We just sit in car and go for a long drive and keep quite the whole time while holding hands. That’s it. The feel of being with each other side by side is so beautiful.
There’s always a few moments before we fall asleep where we’ll just lay together, making eye contact. That may sound strange but it always feels super intimate and in a way that nothing needs to be said out loud. You’re just sharing this moment and know that there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.
Before I had back surgery a few years ago, the pain was intense I couldn’t get out of bed. My husband had to carry me to the bathtub and wash me and my hair.
I felt so fragile. That was probably the most intimate non-sexual thing I’ve experienced.
He held my hand while they changed my IUD. I hate it and it was awful. He also made sure I was comfortable after and drove me home. Or was the opposite of sexual but in in a way it kind of was since my sexual/reproductive health can effect his.
Give. Painkillers/anesthetic. For. IUD. Placement. Any doctor doing the "remember to take Ibuprofen an hour before the procedure" thing is a butcher.
Pray together.
I am not a religious person, but if two people can do this together and it gives them comfort, joy and love, then who am I to judge you or say you are wrong <3
I pluck my husband's eyebrows. He's really insecure with how his eyebrows look and he trusts me enough to style them for him
Even though cuddling does get hot (temperature and sexual-wise — I’m talking temperature in this scenario), sometimes we’ll end up going to our ends of the bed but we always make sure some part of our bodies are touching. I don’t know if we do it on purpose but it happens every night without fail
When we wake up after sharing a bed together, we take a few moments to just be and enjoy each other. We’ll snuggle in closer, nuzzle into each other’s necks, and give each other so many kisses! And sometimes we’ll just lay there and tell each other about the dreams we had while staring into each other’s eyes.
When one of us has class or work, we set an alarm that’s half an hour earlier than necessary just to start the day off like this.
We do this too, just that we would hit snooze instead of setting the alarm earlier lol
I pop the pimples on his back, does that count?
I did it for fifteen years, almost every night. For a man every other person saw as the ultimate " manly" guy. But he had severe anxiety and depression. It was sometimes the only way to help him sleep. He's still alive, but in a nursing home due to Parkinson's and a heart attack followed by several strokes. I miss my big guy so much even though he's still here......
What came to mind first was actually non-physical intimacy.
I trust him with all my passwords and bank info and...honestly, at some point or another, we've told each other our SSN/SIN's, for paperwork or something. He's the same at me. We just...are a cohesive unit of 'I trust you, you trust me, can you check my email for me to see if my mom emailed me back' at all times.
It's intimate, for me, to have that trust be mutual.
Good thing I married him!
Going to the ER with my partner. I was so scared and vulnerable and he stood by me and held my hand the whole time.
We wrestle and play fight...I know ifs weird but it's so fun. Plus he was an NCAA wrestler and has his purple belt in BJJ so he can twist me in any knot he wants and it's oddly satisfying to be under his complete control but it's actually not sexual.
Reading a book out loud to someone, like I'm again a child getting a bedtime story. I would sometimes ask my ex to do this, and he did once or twice but never as much as I wanted. I just really love the sound of someone's voice reading me a story--makes me feel loved.
Mine reads to me if I get flu, too tired to hold a book, but not tired enough to sleep. He does it very well too
My boyfriend swims nearly everyday and the chlorine dries the crap out of his skin, so I spend a few minutes everyday lotioning his back and ass so they don’t get ashy.
This is mostly non-sexual but sometimes I pretend i’m a dude and the lotion is my “nut”, with crazy humping and dirty talk. He doesn’t like it when the turntables.
Sometimes I wait until I hear the shower water stop, run and grab him a towel, rustle his hair with it, and run away. Not the most intimate, but that's what came to mind. :)
The crazed hair drier strikes again! (not meant to sound negative btw...it's cute).
I know it sounds stupid but we bathe our dog together... like, we take him to this self-serve dog wash, and he’s big and hates bathes, so one of us wrestles him and the other bathes, and it’s actually an amazing team-building activity
We cuddle together naked. I’ll admit it sometimes leads to sex but most times it’s just something cute and intimate we enjoy after a long day.
Feeling your partners skin on your skin is so incredibly wonderful not to mention it does leave you vulnerable.
Playing with his hair. He has an itchy scalp and loves having his head touched, but admitting that was hard for him because usually it's a girl thing. He puts himself in a vulnerable place and I feel so protective in the moment.
Having a baby. Before I was admitted I was in the bathroom and I was in so much pain and so scared, and I called his name, and he came in. The only word I could get out was “help.” I meant that I was terrified and I couldn’t do it. He was calm and supportive through the end, but the moments before the delivery room, while I was trying to use the bathroom, we’re the closest and most vulnerable I think I’ve been.
Getting dressed for the day or undressed for bed together. Having deep meaningful conversations on the couch. He scrubs my back before I get in the shower.
Cooking for him feels intimate to me. I am self conscious about my cooking because my ex husband made fun of me (I like gourmet cooking, he likes meatloaf and mashed.). I am trusting him completely when he eats the food that I make, and thankfully, he loves it.
My favorite thing my boyfriend and I do is (I think this is what made me fall for him really) I would sit criss cross applesauce (I don't know how to describe that sitting position other than that) and he would put this head in my lap and I would play with his hair and beard. It relaxes him and it makes my heart so happy looking down at him.
We just bought a bidet. We love the bidet. We regularly talk about how awesomely clean our butts feel, usually while one of us is using the bidet.
Laying in their arms while they scratch your back or just run their hands on your body. Unfortunately the back scratches never last long enough!
About once a week we get naked and sit in a quiet little room to talk about our worries, things that annoy us in work, funny things that have happened and our plans for the future.
It's a sauna. We go to a sauna together.
My husband dyes my hair for me.
Mine too, does my roots at the back. Started as a pandemic thing, but no stopping us now!
We're pretty much monkeys, we're obsessed with grooming each other. He plucks my eyebrows, loves to wash my hair and do face masks with me, and I pluck all his weird hairs everywhere, pop pimples and cut his hair
I got so sad reading this, it's something i really crave to have one day
I got so sad reading this, it's something i really crave to have one day
