Men Keep Falling In For Their Female Best Friends, Women Explain Why It Doesn’t Happen To Them
Interview With Expert
Probably most of us at least once have discussed with our friends or partner if there is a possibility for just a friendship between a male and a female. And while there are different opinions, instances and probably no right or wrong answer, it is time for a new discussion – do male friends develop romantic feelings more often?
Recently, one Reddit user shared a question online asking for community members’ opinions on whether women are just not romantically interested in their male friends, which created quite a discussion online.
More info: Reddit
There is a common discussion whether men and women can be just friends, with no right or wrong answers
Image credits: Bethany Ferr (not the actual photo)
Man online started a discussion regarding the meme that shows how male friends ruin friendships by confessing their feelings
Image credits: Wordroots
He noted that he has never seen this meme in reverse and wondered if women just don’t have romantic feelings for their male friends
A few days ago, a Reddit user started a discussion online in the feminist community, which is dedicated to asking questions and discussing issues with feminists. The man pointed out a popular meme “POV: Your male friend is about to ruin your friendship” and raised the question of why it’s always men. The post collected over 1.2K upvotes and almost 1K comments.
The original poster (OP) started his story by explaining the whole meme that raised his question, which is why there is no reverse version of this meme. He asked if women don’t have romantic feelings for their male friends, or are just less likely to confess to them.
However, after quite a few Redditors pointed out that the question isn’t about feminism and shouldn’t have been posted in this exact community, OP shared that he thinks the gender disparity involved in this phenomenon makes it relevant to feminism.
Now, community members in the comments shared their thoughts: “I think the difference is that men will often not even befriend a woman unless he’s attracted to her. There is typically more motive than to just be friends,” one user noted. “My opinion is that men see ‘friendship’ as a fair hunting ground for women, whereas women are more likely to value the friendship,” another pointed out.
Image credits: Min An (not the actual photo)
“In my experience as a relationship coach, both men and women can catch feelings for their friends,” shared Hayley Quinn, a relationship expert, with Bored Panda. “However, what prompts them to do this can be very different,” she added.
Hayley noted that for women, they may start to size up their male friends as a potential romantic partner after experiencing emotional intimacy with them (the sense that they’re really connecting) and if their recent dating experiences have been disappointing. For men, they may have known all along that they were attracted to their female friend, but struggled to communicate those intentions clearly.
The relationship coach emphasized that men often feel like they have the role of the initiator in romantic relationships, so they will feel it’s on them to make a romantic connection happen. “Men may also initially try to show through their actions that they’re attracted to a woman: They’ll be consistent, and make an effort to do high-quality, fun experiences with the woman that they like.”
However, she has observed that many men come to realize that simply “showing” they like a woman, without clear verbal communication of their intentions, only gets them so far. She continued that “Perhaps their female friend is in a situationship, or has just had a breakup, and they seize on this opportunity to tell her ‘hey, in case you haven’t noticed I’m interested and I’m a good guy for you to choose.’”
But she added that unfortunately this often backfires, as the woman has interacted with the man on the grounds that he’s her friend, and feels like his friendship has now been disingenuous. “Or she may be hesitant to risk a great friendship in order to explore a romance.”
Finally, speaking about misconceptions or myths about cross-gender friendships and romantic feelings, Hayley pointed out that whilst it’s true that your life partner should feel like your best friend, that doesn’t mean that all cross-gender friendships are destined to be romance.
“It can be easy to see the emotional connection you have with a cross-gender friend and wonder if it could be more, particularly if your recent dating experiences have been lackluster,” she added. “However, before making that move, hold back! There’s a lot of great people to meet, so really check in with yourself that your interest in your friend is because of them, and not because you’re lacking romance generally in your life.”
So it is clear that there are different opinions, different situations and examples about opposite sex friendships and whether men really only have female friends who they like romantically, but what is your take on this discussion? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
Redditors shared their personal views regarding this phenomenon
Image credits: Jopwell (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
There's a segment of men who will never consider women for actual friends. Who simply don't think women could be valuable as friends. There are segments of men who don't understand the importance of friendship. Friendship is not 'less than' romantic relationships. It is just a different brand of relationship. These are the kind of men who will fake befriend you waiting around for 'their chance'. While you can find the reverse, where women will pull these moves, it is far more rare.
I've had friends who had male friends. They would simply say they view their male friend as like a brother to them, and any sort of romantic feeling towards their male friend would be gross. Like incest. So, seems the best way to put to the men is ask how they feel about their female relatives. ... Although, you may get some disturbing answers.
The opposite does happen. When I was younger I had several female friends who wanted to hook up, but I was either clueless or uninterested. Most of them I didn't find out about until years later. I still have women confess to me on occasion that they want more. I was raised by women so I've always felt more comfortable socializing with them. I used to get random guys who wanted to be my friend because they thought I would hook them up with one of them, rme. To this day, 90% of my friends are women.
I value any man that hangs around long enuf for me to develop feelings. I haven't found one yet.
I think, it's not that it happens rarer to women - assumed that there was a real friendship in the first place, and not just someone pretending to be a friend to f**k the other party. It's more that women apparently more often value the friendship higher than the lost romantic development. In 3 years the friend I had a crush on and I will celebrate 40 years of friendship. :)
I really like guys. As humans. No hanky panky. Just like the lack of filter. I grew up with dad, two brothers and my mom. Guy house. Most men appeal more as brothers than prey .
I like how you consider your romantic interests as 'prey'! I am going to adopt this.
Load More Replies...
From grade 3 to now (6th grade) I've befriended like 8 boys and for some weird friggen reason they all eventually said they had a crush on me WHY I'm the friggin nerdy indie gamer from across the row of desks
And yes, none of them were my friend after that. One is still trying. Ahh, the hopeless variant of humankind.
Load More Replies...
Kind of surprised I did not see anything about the differences between how men and women act with their friends. Men with male friends can spend days together and not know s**t about eachother. If a guy has something personal they need to let out, show emotion and weakness, they don't do that with their guy friends. So they are not seen as weak. Men don't cry and all that. So they can only talk about this with their partner. Women will talk all about their emotions and every little detail of their lives with their friends. They don't see anything special about it. So each gender looks at those harder conversation with their own lens. A women telling a male friend about all her insecurities is just normal girl talk. There is nothing special about it for her. The guy hearing it views it through their lens of only opening up to your partner. Which leads to the miscommunication that men believe women are leading them on. As both sides don't know the different view.
First off I applaud OP for putting the question to a feminist audience. I can easily see it spiraling, otherwise. I'm a mostly straight woman who has been on both sides of the fence with both genders. Usually what has happened was we both went in with friendship, but then there became mutual attraction. There have been a couple instances (only with men) where they confess their feelings (not reciprocated) and just shut down the friendship. Long ago I had a crush on my very best male friend. He was in a solid relationship, so I put it to the side. He had a serious tbi and she left. We remained besties, but I had met my person. Last year, he confessed he had always been in love with me, and asked if I could "settle" on him if things didn't work out. I obviously declined. Love my partner more than anything. We went from talking every day to him avoiding the places I frequent. It's heartbreaking to know he always had an end game. Be friends for friendship's sake.
For me (F) it works like this: Yes, I may be attracted to a male friend, but I am married, so I will acknowledge the feeling, but I will not let my thoughts dwell on that too long, so they do not get a hold on me. I made a choice to be faithful to my husband several years ago I I intend to stick by that choice. He does too, even though he has the same challenges every now and then. But sticking by our choice through these challenges and other, even harder ones, made our relationship only even stronger, especially if we are open to each other about these things.
I didn't see anyone mention the girl code? Your friends SO is off limits! Your friends crush is off limits. We all know to treat and view them as platonic! Break the code, lose at least 2 friends, probably more because you can't be trusted!
Oh oh! I had this “friend” who was in the military, married with a child who I met and I sent postcards to because he was deployed. Postcards saying “HEY! The weather in Tokyo sucks/ great” pretty much that’s it. So, eventually he is coming through again to Japan and he made romantic overtures. WTF! ?! told him in no uncertain terms that I found it disgusting, that we were friends and I didn’t find him attractive at all, I went totally scorched earth. Dude, deleted me from social media etc. never heard from him again. JEEZ!
I have one true male friend and there is nothing more to the relationship than that. He is happily married, I am happily single. He and I have a brother/sister type relationship. His wife doesn't feel threatened by our friendship in anyway. She is just happy that he has a friend. On the other hand, I thought I had another male friend, we met at work and hit it off immediately, same kind of humor, liked the same things etc. I was very clear that I was a happily single woman and choose to remain that way (bad relationships and realizing that I am Aromantic). He started to ask me to do more things with him e.g. out for dinner, cinema, walks etc. On one of these outings he confessed how he had feelings for me and always liked me. I was gentle, but very clear that I it was just a friendship. I never heard from him again, he even left the company a few weeks after the event. This is the typical male behavior, they befriend a woman hoping for more, whereas a woman will just want a friend.
My best male friend is also married and I'm a secret. It doesn't bother me, he's a cheater.
Load More Replies... I have a large and mixed friendgroup. I'm willing to bet money that there's a few that wouldn't shy away from intimacy with another, should the opportunity arise, but in the end, we all know that we have brains in our heads that are capable of separating friendship from the 'would I have sex with this person?'.
Female here. My friendship group from being a small child to being almost 50 has been a pretty even mix of female and male. What people seem to not recognise is that you choose your female and male friends the same way. They have either a personality trait or a physical trait which you admire or find attractive. Women get to know a male friend and there will often be a point during your friendship where strong friendships become attraction. We are no different from men except for being less likely to mention it.
There's a segment of men who will never consider women for actual friends. Who simply don't think women could be valuable as friends. There are segments of men who don't understand the importance of friendship. Friendship is not 'less than' romantic relationships. It is just a different brand of relationship. These are the kind of men who will fake befriend you waiting around for 'their chance'. While you can find the reverse, where women will pull these moves, it is far more rare.
I've had friends who had male friends. They would simply say they view their male friend as like a brother to them, and any sort of romantic feeling towards their male friend would be gross. Like incest. So, seems the best way to put to the men is ask how they feel about their female relatives. ... Although, you may get some disturbing answers.
The opposite does happen. When I was younger I had several female friends who wanted to hook up, but I was either clueless or uninterested. Most of them I didn't find out about until years later. I still have women confess to me on occasion that they want more. I was raised by women so I've always felt more comfortable socializing with them. I used to get random guys who wanted to be my friend because they thought I would hook them up with one of them, rme. To this day, 90% of my friends are women.
I value any man that hangs around long enuf for me to develop feelings. I haven't found one yet.
I think, it's not that it happens rarer to women - assumed that there was a real friendship in the first place, and not just someone pretending to be a friend to f**k the other party. It's more that women apparently more often value the friendship higher than the lost romantic development. In 3 years the friend I had a crush on and I will celebrate 40 years of friendship. :)
I really like guys. As humans. No hanky panky. Just like the lack of filter. I grew up with dad, two brothers and my mom. Guy house. Most men appeal more as brothers than prey .
I like how you consider your romantic interests as 'prey'! I am going to adopt this.
Load More Replies... From grade 3 to now (6th grade) I've befriended like 8 boys and for some weird friggen reason they all eventually said they had a crush on me WHY I'm the friggin nerdy indie gamer from across the row of desks
And yes, none of them were my friend after that. One is still trying. Ahh, the hopeless variant of humankind.
Load More Replies... Kind of surprised I did not see anything about the differences between how men and women act with their friends. Men with male friends can spend days together and not know s**t about eachother. If a guy has something personal they need to let out, show emotion and weakness, they don't do that with their guy friends. So they are not seen as weak. Men don't cry and all that. So they can only talk about this with their partner. Women will talk all about their emotions and every little detail of their lives with their friends. They don't see anything special about it. So each gender looks at those harder conversation with their own lens. A women telling a male friend about all her insecurities is just normal girl talk. There is nothing special about it for her. The guy hearing it views it through their lens of only opening up to your partner. Which leads to the miscommunication that men believe women are leading them on. As both sides don't know the different view.
First off I applaud OP for putting the question to a feminist audience. I can easily see it spiraling, otherwise. I'm a mostly straight woman who has been on both sides of the fence with both genders. Usually what has happened was we both went in with friendship, but then there became mutual attraction. There have been a couple instances (only with men) where they confess their feelings (not reciprocated) and just shut down the friendship. Long ago I had a crush on my very best male friend. He was in a solid relationship, so I put it to the side. He had a serious tbi and she left. We remained besties, but I had met my person. Last year, he confessed he had always been in love with me, and asked if I could "settle" on him if things didn't work out. I obviously declined. Love my partner more than anything. We went from talking every day to him avoiding the places I frequent. It's heartbreaking to know he always had an end game. Be friends for friendship's sake.
For me (F) it works like this: Yes, I may be attracted to a male friend, but I am married, so I will acknowledge the feeling, but I will not let my thoughts dwell on that too long, so they do not get a hold on me. I made a choice to be faithful to my husband several years ago I I intend to stick by that choice. He does too, even though he has the same challenges every now and then. But sticking by our choice through these challenges and other, even harder ones, made our relationship only even stronger, especially if we are open to each other about these things.
I didn't see anyone mention the girl code? Your friends SO is off limits! Your friends crush is off limits. We all know to treat and view them as platonic! Break the code, lose at least 2 friends, probably more because you can't be trusted!
Oh oh! I had this “friend” who was in the military, married with a child who I met and I sent postcards to because he was deployed. Postcards saying “HEY! The weather in Tokyo sucks/ great” pretty much that’s it. So, eventually he is coming through again to Japan and he made romantic overtures. WTF! ?! told him in no uncertain terms that I found it disgusting, that we were friends and I didn’t find him attractive at all, I went totally scorched earth. Dude, deleted me from social media etc. never heard from him again. JEEZ!
I have one true male friend and there is nothing more to the relationship than that. He is happily married, I am happily single. He and I have a brother/sister type relationship. His wife doesn't feel threatened by our friendship in anyway. She is just happy that he has a friend. On the other hand, I thought I had another male friend, we met at work and hit it off immediately, same kind of humor, liked the same things etc. I was very clear that I was a happily single woman and choose to remain that way (bad relationships and realizing that I am Aromantic). He started to ask me to do more things with him e.g. out for dinner, cinema, walks etc. On one of these outings he confessed how he had feelings for me and always liked me. I was gentle, but very clear that I it was just a friendship. I never heard from him again, he even left the company a few weeks after the event. This is the typical male behavior, they befriend a woman hoping for more, whereas a woman will just want a friend.
My best male friend is also married and I'm a secret. It doesn't bother me, he's a cheater.
Load More Replies... I have a large and mixed friendgroup. I'm willing to bet money that there's a few that wouldn't shy away from intimacy with another, should the opportunity arise, but in the end, we all know that we have brains in our heads that are capable of separating friendship from the 'would I have sex with this person?'.
Female here. My friendship group from being a small child to being almost 50 has been a pretty even mix of female and male. What people seem to not recognise is that you choose your female and male friends the same way. They have either a personality trait or a physical trait which you admire or find attractive. Women get to know a male friend and there will often be a point during your friendship where strong friendships become attraction. We are no different from men except for being less likely to mention it.
10
28