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“Weaponized Incompetence”: 14 Relationship Manipulation Tactics Women Are Warning Others About
Sometimes, the rose-colored glasses one wears while in a relationship make it difficult to see certain things clearly. Things that can be quite damaging to the relationship or the person themselves. That’s because the so-called red flags become far less visible when looking through love-filled eyes, but significantly clearer once out of the relationship.
Members of the ‘Ask Women’ community recently opened up about the far-from-romantic situations their previous partners have put them in. The user ‘neonroli47’ asked them about manipulation tactics they have experienced in a relationship that they wanted to warn others about, and the women were more than willing to share. Scroll down to find their answers below and make sure to pay attention to the warning signs they point out.
Bored Panda has reached out to the OP and they were kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find their thoughts in the text below.
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#2
Be weary of people who subtly put down the little things you enjoy. Say you have a song that’s your favorite. If they don’t like it, and they don’t just say, “Eh, it’s not for me, but I’m glad you enjoy it,” but they say, “I have no idea how you could find that enjoyable, honestly,” or anything harsher that shows their utter disrespect for your hobbies or what you enjoy — this is the first step in slowly making you feel like everything you enjoy is just embarrassing and making you lack confidence in yourself.
This goes for the books you read, the clothes you wear, how you like your hair, the sports you play, the workouts you do, the type of dog you like, the pictures you like to hang on your wall.
Basically, I’m saying watch out for people who just put down your hobbies without attempting to actually engage with you about what you like/dislike about it.
#4
It really doesn’t matter if the person is fully aware of how manipulative selfish and unfair they’re being, or not. It doesn’t matter if they have a history of trauma (don’t we all??) and you understand why they are the way they are and you feel sympathy. It doesn’t matter if “they said they’ll change”. (They won’t really.) What matters is they are hurting you and you don’t deserve it. You deserve a healthy relationship with open communication and both people trying their best by the other bc they love each other, both people fully invested. Trying to make someone realize they are treating you badly and to stop, over and over again, isn’t that.
#6
Goalpost moving. Feels so s****y jumping through hoops for promises of something they actually never intend to give you, and they get to sit back and get all the benefits of having you without having to do anything for it.
#7
Feeding you breadcrumbs and when you try moving on, he starts giving you pieces of the loaf and acting like he changed, only to start feeding breadcrumbs again after he knows he got you.
#8
Love bombing is real.
They will eventually manage to alienate you, or think they have, from your friends and family.
They will try to financially control you and sell your possessions.
#9
"Im a mess, you deserve better" while looking at you with puppy eyes and doing nothing to be what you deserve.
#10
DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It can sometimes feel hard to distinguish this from a situation where both sides have legitimate grievances, and are trying to both explain why they feel the way that they do (which is healthy in a relationship) but I’ve found that a key difference is that in healthy relationships the other person is actually willing to hear you out, or try to empathize with your side. When it’s DARVO, in many cases they’ll accept no middle ground, no ‘we both messed up,’ just pure ‘I’m the victim and everything you did against me was wrong and evil.’
#11
If your gut feels off, as in, he loves you and is the sweetest man you have ever met, but you always feel lonely and struggle feeling loved by him, then stop listening to all words. Keep a diary of actions. Then ask yourself if that is how you wish to be treated. If the relationship is doing what you want in life. Usually it isn't. Too many men say pretty things while you feel awful inside about how things are actually going. Pretty lies to smooth things over so nothing ever changes, gets deeper, proceeds further, gets more real
#12
When he / she / they say they were going to do *insert cute thing* for you but didn’t. Whether they realize or not, it’s breadcrumbing and tricks you to think they actually did do that thing.
Example: I was going to bring you flowers the other day but I didn’t
#13
Trying to hurt you emotionally to “teach you a lesson/show them you how they felt” when you do something to hurt them on accident, even if you’re already clearly sorry about it and didn’t realize. Worst part about my first relationship.
#14
I have been in a relationship where I was stalked, hurt, harassed and threatened for a long time. I will give you some things I noticed from the beginning. Just don’t be like my dumb a*s and make up an excuse because you think you are too harsh or whatever! - weird reaction when you say “no” - discussion about non-negotiable things - saying they will harm / end themselves - will make everything extremely intense in the first months (actual healthy people will just want to get to know you) - make you feel like you can’t leave them already a week or a short time period in - talks bad about exes - mirrors you (healthy people will disagree with some things you say/ share their own views + won’t have every single thing in common) - lies about very small things - talks negative about your friends or family or will encourage negative talk about them when you are venting - isolates you - will only talk about how you make them feel / how special you are / all the good you do for them (don’t bring anything to the table themselves) - be aware of when you feel something is off and follow your intuition. Don’t make excuses for them. - tells you others think you’re overreacting too - has weird tantrums - makes you feel like you have to over-explain yourself or hint them about every single thing you’re doing in your day (healthy people will not ask you every minute what you are doing when you just met them) - talks bad about their friends - everything is everybody’s fault and they are the victim. You are the only one that can save them mentality. - will say you don’t care about them / you don’t love them / anything of that range when you are setting boundaries. - makes you feel as if you can’t say certain things because you know they will react aggressively (example: when you’re telling them you’re hanging out with a certain friend group doing something fun and from then on they start to ignore you, talk agressieve, straight up guilt trip you for doing something fun, etc) - will make you feel like you are the bad guy for doing completely normal things or setting boundaries.
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