Elderly Parents Expect Their Daughter To Take Them In, Are Furious When She Says The Best She Can Do Is To Put Them In A Senior Home
Recently, a woman turned to the AITA subreddit for advice, wondering if she was too harsh in a conflict with her family.
The person who goes by the nickname Perfect-Orchid7421 wrote that “My family is from South Asia but we live in the States. They expected me to just stay home and take care of them and my brother. That wasn’t for me.”
The author successfully graduated with “a small debt” and “two degrees,” found a career, and is now expecting a first child. And while things have really worked out for her and things were going according to plan, Perfect-Orchid7421’s elderly parents “have decided that they are going to sell their home and come live with us.”
This was not what the author wanted and she offered them senior housing instead. The opinions clashed and huge family drama ensued, which divided everyone and left Perfect-Orchid7421 questioning it all.
A woman wonders if she was too harsh to strictly deny her elderly parents’ wish to live in her house and offer them senior housing
Image credits: Curtis Adams (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Matthias Zomer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Perfect-Orchid7421
The author answered people’s questions in the comments
Others applauded the author for the way she handled her parents
I’m not even South Asian, and my father tried to pull this b******t on me—-his only daughter—-and not on any of my four brothers, after my mother died. I didn’t want that misogynistic a*****e living with me, and neither did my husband, so told him we didn’t have room. He then started trying to dangle a huge inheritance in front of me, so I subtly and low key started extracting financial information from him. He let it slip one day, when I dialed his number by accident and he didn’t recognize my voice, so I pretended to be from his bank, that there was NO inheritance, as he had gambled and wasted every penny he had after my mother, who used to rein in his spending, passed away only a few years before. He also took in non-licensed “nurses”, who turned out to be lowlifes who laced his food with sedatives so they could steal whatever wasn’t red hot or nailed down from him, even though he paid them rather well. By the time of his campaign to come live with me, all he had left was his Social Security check, and he retired in 1982, so it wasn’t worth diddly in 2014. I had a clear mental image of him s******g his Depends in a hospital bed in the middle of our living room, and myself and my husband just waiting for him to finally kick the bucket so we could burn the mattress and linens. Anyway, as I was out of state (I am in Maryland, my father was in Nevada), I got an elder advocate to get him in a nursing home—-which took every penny of whatever money he had to keep him in until he died. I didn’t go to his funeral. Glad I kept to my boundaries too. Good riddance to a shitty father.
Gotta love these families where the sons are royalty and the daughters are servants. Then when the daughter bolts and goes NC they just sit around and scratch their heads and wonder why.
Not only Asian families. My parents were WWII era Brits. I was born in 1950. My older brother (born in 1946) was raised like the sun shone out of his a$$, went to university and got a degree, all paid for. And me? I was expected to get a job after high school until some knight in shining armour showed up and swept me off my feet and then give them grandchildren. Oh - and my maternal grandmother lived with us most of my growing up years, and that was no fun either. I was a nobody and my brother was the sun, moon and stars to her, too.
Same thing happens in the Middle East. Saw it quite often flying in/out for work. The worst, for me, was seeing a family of four (mom, dad, daughter and son) and both kids looked to be less than 10. Dad and son sat in first class while mother and daughter sat back in coach.
Children are not responsible for parents, ever. Children owe you nothing but a thank you for the things you do for them, as you are their parents and they are your choice and your responsibility. In no way is this person an AH.
I don't quite agree. I think, if (if!) our parents invested tons of time, love ad money into our upbringing and education, we owe them taking care fo them, when theyy are old. That is the ancient contract. However (!), they need to fit into our lives, not the other way around. And caring for the elderly is a full-time job. Most of us have to earn money and simply dont have the time.
I disagree. Choosing to have children was the parent's choice, not the child's choice. There was no meeting of the minds to establish a contractual obligation on the child's behalf. Parents choosing to obligate themselves to children does not obligate children to parents as there must be a choice available just as there was a choice for the parents. If the only choice is support the parents or don't support the parents, then we cannot obligate the children to not have that choice. Individuals should be saving to support their own elderly years and societies should do better to support elderly populations without obligating children to something they didn't choose for themselves.
So, if there has to be choice involved for you to think that care should be given: what about parents with twins, triplets or more? They didn't choose to have several children, so should they not support all of them? Their choice was not having any or having multiple children. I agree that elderly care IS a choice children should have, but it's basic decency to help someone you LOVE (someone who put in 40 years worth of love, finances etc. by the time they need an elderly home) so they have the basic things in live. Yes, most things should come from their own payments to retirement fonds etc., but will you just sit around and do nothing when your beloved parents or grandparents are in trouble? I'd jump immediately if my grandma needed (financial) help, and that's because I love her, not because of some obligation.
But children didn’t sign a contract to be born. It wasn’t their choice, it was the parents, and children aren’t possessions. They create their own lives. I love my parents, but having them live with me would destroy my life, I can barely get around myself due to permanent conditions. They know it as well as I do, I might add, and have made their own plans. I don’t think that blanket statement really works.
Except that person you're referring to is the son, not the daughter.
It should be an explicit agreement. I pay for your college etc. you look after me when I’m old. We can’t just assume these things as an unspoken understanding
I could not disagree more ... or agree less.
I’m not even South Asian, and my father tried to pull this b******t on me—-his only daughter—-and not on any of my four brothers, after my mother died. I didn’t want that misogynistic a*****e living with me, and neither did my husband, so told him we didn’t have room. He then started trying to dangle a huge inheritance in front of me, so I subtly and low key started extracting financial information from him. He let it slip one day, when I dialed his number by accident and he didn’t recognize my voice, so I pretended to be from his bank, that there was NO inheritance, as he had gambled and wasted every penny he had after my mother, who used to rein in his spending, passed away only a few years before. He also took in non-licensed “nurses”, who turned out to be lowlifes who laced his food with sedatives so they could steal whatever wasn’t red hot or nailed down from him, even though he paid them rather well. By the time of his campaign to come live with me, all he had left was his Social Security check, and he retired in 1982, so it wasn’t worth diddly in 2014. I had a clear mental image of him s******g his Depends in a hospital bed in the middle of our living room, and myself and my husband just waiting for him to finally kick the bucket so we could burn the mattress and linens. Anyway, as I was out of state (I am in Maryland, my father was in Nevada), I got an elder advocate to get him in a nursing home—-which took every penny of whatever money he had to keep him in until he died. I didn’t go to his funeral. Glad I kept to my boundaries too. Good riddance to a shitty father.
Gotta love these families where the sons are royalty and the daughters are servants. Then when the daughter bolts and goes NC they just sit around and scratch their heads and wonder why.
Not only Asian families. My parents were WWII era Brits. I was born in 1950. My older brother (born in 1946) was raised like the sun shone out of his a$$, went to university and got a degree, all paid for. And me? I was expected to get a job after high school until some knight in shining armour showed up and swept me off my feet and then give them grandchildren. Oh - and my maternal grandmother lived with us most of my growing up years, and that was no fun either. I was a nobody and my brother was the sun, moon and stars to her, too.
Same thing happens in the Middle East. Saw it quite often flying in/out for work. The worst, for me, was seeing a family of four (mom, dad, daughter and son) and both kids looked to be less than 10. Dad and son sat in first class while mother and daughter sat back in coach.
Children are not responsible for parents, ever. Children owe you nothing but a thank you for the things you do for them, as you are their parents and they are your choice and your responsibility. In no way is this person an AH.
I don't quite agree. I think, if (if!) our parents invested tons of time, love ad money into our upbringing and education, we owe them taking care fo them, when theyy are old. That is the ancient contract. However (!), they need to fit into our lives, not the other way around. And caring for the elderly is a full-time job. Most of us have to earn money and simply dont have the time.
I disagree. Choosing to have children was the parent's choice, not the child's choice. There was no meeting of the minds to establish a contractual obligation on the child's behalf. Parents choosing to obligate themselves to children does not obligate children to parents as there must be a choice available just as there was a choice for the parents. If the only choice is support the parents or don't support the parents, then we cannot obligate the children to not have that choice. Individuals should be saving to support their own elderly years and societies should do better to support elderly populations without obligating children to something they didn't choose for themselves.
So, if there has to be choice involved for you to think that care should be given: what about parents with twins, triplets or more? They didn't choose to have several children, so should they not support all of them? Their choice was not having any or having multiple children. I agree that elderly care IS a choice children should have, but it's basic decency to help someone you LOVE (someone who put in 40 years worth of love, finances etc. by the time they need an elderly home) so they have the basic things in live. Yes, most things should come from their own payments to retirement fonds etc., but will you just sit around and do nothing when your beloved parents or grandparents are in trouble? I'd jump immediately if my grandma needed (financial) help, and that's because I love her, not because of some obligation.
But children didn’t sign a contract to be born. It wasn’t their choice, it was the parents, and children aren’t possessions. They create their own lives. I love my parents, but having them live with me would destroy my life, I can barely get around myself due to permanent conditions. They know it as well as I do, I might add, and have made their own plans. I don’t think that blanket statement really works.
Except that person you're referring to is the son, not the daughter.
It should be an explicit agreement. I pay for your college etc. you look after me when I’m old. We can’t just assume these things as an unspoken understanding
I could not disagree more ... or agree less.