Woman Graduates From Community College But Her Family Thinks It’s Nothing Compared To Her Cousins’ University Degrees, Drama Ensues
Everyone’s journey is different. So are their milestones. And while you can reflect on the events that have taken place in your life, the people you have crossed paths with, and the lessons you have learned along the way to keep yourself motivated to grow, there’s no point in comparing them to that of someone else’s. Especially if that makes you feel less of a person.
Reddit user SmallEmoChick knows this. Unfortunately, her family does not. Recently, she graduated from a community college. Given all the hurdles she’s had, the woman was over the moon about her achievement. But the people closest to her didn’t share the enthusiasm. They even downplayed it because her cousins went to real schools and got proper degrees.
The woman tried telling her mom about it but even she refused to acknowledge her feelings. Confused if her thoughts and emotions were valid, the graduate told her story to the “Am I the [Jerk]?” community, asking its members to share their honest take on what happened.
Image credits: Brett Jordan (not the actual photo)
Image credits: English106 (not the actual photo)
It’s easy to understand why SmallEmoChick feels devastated. Feeling valued, especially by our closest kin, is one of our core needs. Licensed mental health counselor Sara Schapiro-Halberstam said that approval is vital to us because we associate it with survival.
“In the beginning stages of life, the primal brain helps us develop skills to request our needs. As we develop, it makes a non-discriminatory connection: if we want our needs met, we must ensure that our caregivers approve of us and never reject us … Since the primal brain is unable to make distinctions and operates on broad themes, anytime it senses rejection, it panics, concluding that survival is being threatened. Therefore, we begin developing excellent radar that recognizes how we can gain approval,” Sara Schapiro-Halberstam explained.
As children grow, they gather information about what their parent approves of and what they do not. When a parent disapproves of a particular behavior, the child suppresses the behavior. They fear that this negative behavior will deter parental love and approval, which is a threat to survival. This often happens under the radar, too.
“If a parent overtly says, ‘You are laughing too much’ or covertly disapproves of humor, the child suppresses that trait, leaving seriousness in its place,” Schapiro-Halberstam said. “If a parent seems uncomfortable by the child’s adventurous nature, the child quickly learns that being stable will achieve the goal of acceptance. The child chisels and shapes his/her personality and choices according to what s/he believes will impress his/her parents, encouraging them to continue providing survival necessities.”
Parents know that a child doesn’t need to earn our approval in order to be provided for. If your daughter approached you and asked, ‘Mom, what should I do to earn your love?’ you would be baffled. But even if you expressed to your child that she doesn’t need to earn your love, her primal brain wouldn’t believe you. Our subconscious primal instinct demands that we gain favor in our caregiver’s eyes so they will willingly tend to our needs.
The important thing to understand is that the struggle continues even when the child becomes a young adult, gains independence, and no longer needs parental permission. “He makes his own decisions and waits with bated breath for his parent’s approval. Why? Because approval means having our needs met, and having our needs met means survival,” Schapiro-Halberstam repeated. “Though he is an adult and is able to get what he desires on his own, our primal brain never grows up. As we know, it has no sense of time and is irrational. Forever, the adult child keeps waiting, his primal brain convinced that survival is dependent on parental love and approval. If his parents don’t meet him with approval, he continues to live with fear of death in his shadows.”
When parents try to combat this tug-of-war with logic, that doesn’t help either. “[Moms and dads] expect to see a conscious effort to warrant our approval. We wonder why our child doesn’t make a behavioral change in order to impress us. We are confused as to why he cares so deeply about how we perceive him. Just as parents are confused, so are their children. The primal brain’s messages are instinctual and subconscious.”
So no matter if SmallEmoChick’s mother is thinking that she is being overly dramatic, no matter if the woman herself believes that to be the case, she still needs at least a warm hug and a “Good job” for graduating from community college.
Yeah, I got my Masters in education but since my brother is a neurosurgeon with a PhD., some of the family members were like 'meh, everybody can be a teacher but look at your brother'. Not trying to compare his studies/job and mine but man, that hurt a little.
Dealing well with others and reading people can come with its own brilliance. I just finished reading "A Long Way Home" about Saroo Brierley's odyssey from a five-year-old on the streets to his life as an adoptee in Australia, and I came away thinking that his brilliance is in his ability to read people. One of my in-laws was nicknamed "Lie Detector" in her teens. She's now a prosecutor with a high success rate prosecuting sex offenders. This is someone with a sheltered upper-middle-class childhood. She's also a terrific stepmother who's helped her stepdaughter get past body image issues.
That's great and all, and thank goodness for your in laws being part of the difference, but how is it related to Crazy Dog Lady?
@Nori Arsha, thanks for asking. I realize that analogies don't work for everyone. Crazy Dog Lady's family values prestige far more than empathy and emotional intelligence. Being a school teacher requires understanding children, as they have different abilities, come from a variety of situations, etc. Crazy Dog Lady's family doesn't seem to understand that understanding children is a skill. I hope this explanation helps. If not, you're free to ask more questions or the same one with different words. 😊
Thank you, you answered my question gracefully and I feel like I get it better now ^^
I think his true story was the movie called "Lion." Amazing movie. You must see it
Same happened to me. I graduated from one of the best colleges as a translator and nobody came, but to my brother's both my parents went, because he was a physicist with a PhD
My family is just the opposite. They think education is "elitist" and I'm "brainwashing" people. So my cousins get the big parties for their accomplishments, like getting certified to be a dental hygienist or mechanic, or finishing boot camp, all major milestones. My PhD--the only one in the family--just resulted in a whole bunch of social media drama about critical race theory, and not a single congratulations, just accusations.
And YOU ARE THE FUTURE ! Thank you
Fellow teacher here with 2 masters degrees. I would love to see your brother try to teach. Or for that matter anyone in your family who thinks it's so easy.
That's like saying "yeah anyone could join the military" Yeah, anyone could, but they don't. Its dedication that's the common factor.
Not everyone can be a teacher. Let your family members try it for a week or two. Your brother heals brains; you heal and fill and shape minds. That is an awesome responsibility.
If everyone was a neurosurgeon, the world would not function. Good teachers matter and have just as much influence on the population, if not more.
You both pursued a path that was your own and what you would like to do. We need both professions but in my opinion, there's nothing more important that a teacher! We don't have enough and enough good ones.
Your job will impact so many young people. I hope that you are proud of yourself because you deserve to be.
Thank you, I am very proud of myself, I love my job and I try to take every oportunity to educate myself more. I am just a bit tired of the s**t some people give teachers in my country. My family is not as bad as most of the people but you can still feel that my job and my education are not good enough.
NTA. The family, horrible. They didn't even take the time to acknowledge that you graduated even with mental health issues and ADHD. I am super proud and you worked so hard! You are not being dramatic. I hope you achieve your dreams and get loving partner.
That. And I believe that every achievement that had honest work put in should be acknowledged and celebrated. We are quick to criticise but painfully slow to praise jobs well done. A 'good job' should come as naturally to say as a 'thank you'.
One of my relatives adjusts her expectations for each of her children. As a teenager, the brilliant one asked "Why do you praise A__ for getting 75%, but I have to get 90s in my classes?" The mother explained that it was based on each child's ability. The brilliant one is now doing a PhD - and I can't help thinking "Wasn't she in high school just a few years ago??" A__ has trouble learning, so getting a Bachelor's degree would be great news to his mum.
Agreed
I did my basics at community college and it was wonderful, highly suggest that to anyone who is looking for a cheaper way to get higher education (book prices still suck though). The degree she got is different than her cousin's, but I think it sucks we don't congratulate people when they accomplish things they are personally proud of more.
I'm a PhD in academia and I strongly support community colleges.
Yeah, I got my Masters in education but since my brother is a neurosurgeon with a PhD., some of the family members were like 'meh, everybody can be a teacher but look at your brother'. Not trying to compare his studies/job and mine but man, that hurt a little.
Dealing well with others and reading people can come with its own brilliance. I just finished reading "A Long Way Home" about Saroo Brierley's odyssey from a five-year-old on the streets to his life as an adoptee in Australia, and I came away thinking that his brilliance is in his ability to read people. One of my in-laws was nicknamed "Lie Detector" in her teens. She's now a prosecutor with a high success rate prosecuting sex offenders. This is someone with a sheltered upper-middle-class childhood. She's also a terrific stepmother who's helped her stepdaughter get past body image issues.
That's great and all, and thank goodness for your in laws being part of the difference, but how is it related to Crazy Dog Lady?
@Nori Arsha, thanks for asking. I realize that analogies don't work for everyone. Crazy Dog Lady's family values prestige far more than empathy and emotional intelligence. Being a school teacher requires understanding children, as they have different abilities, come from a variety of situations, etc. Crazy Dog Lady's family doesn't seem to understand that understanding children is a skill. I hope this explanation helps. If not, you're free to ask more questions or the same one with different words. 😊
Thank you, you answered my question gracefully and I feel like I get it better now ^^
I think his true story was the movie called "Lion." Amazing movie. You must see it
Same happened to me. I graduated from one of the best colleges as a translator and nobody came, but to my brother's both my parents went, because he was a physicist with a PhD
My family is just the opposite. They think education is "elitist" and I'm "brainwashing" people. So my cousins get the big parties for their accomplishments, like getting certified to be a dental hygienist or mechanic, or finishing boot camp, all major milestones. My PhD--the only one in the family--just resulted in a whole bunch of social media drama about critical race theory, and not a single congratulations, just accusations.
And YOU ARE THE FUTURE ! Thank you
Fellow teacher here with 2 masters degrees. I would love to see your brother try to teach. Or for that matter anyone in your family who thinks it's so easy.
That's like saying "yeah anyone could join the military" Yeah, anyone could, but they don't. Its dedication that's the common factor.
Not everyone can be a teacher. Let your family members try it for a week or two. Your brother heals brains; you heal and fill and shape minds. That is an awesome responsibility.
If everyone was a neurosurgeon, the world would not function. Good teachers matter and have just as much influence on the population, if not more.
You both pursued a path that was your own and what you would like to do. We need both professions but in my opinion, there's nothing more important that a teacher! We don't have enough and enough good ones.
Your job will impact so many young people. I hope that you are proud of yourself because you deserve to be.
Thank you, I am very proud of myself, I love my job and I try to take every oportunity to educate myself more. I am just a bit tired of the s**t some people give teachers in my country. My family is not as bad as most of the people but you can still feel that my job and my education are not good enough.
NTA. The family, horrible. They didn't even take the time to acknowledge that you graduated even with mental health issues and ADHD. I am super proud and you worked so hard! You are not being dramatic. I hope you achieve your dreams and get loving partner.
That. And I believe that every achievement that had honest work put in should be acknowledged and celebrated. We are quick to criticise but painfully slow to praise jobs well done. A 'good job' should come as naturally to say as a 'thank you'.
One of my relatives adjusts her expectations for each of her children. As a teenager, the brilliant one asked "Why do you praise A__ for getting 75%, but I have to get 90s in my classes?" The mother explained that it was based on each child's ability. The brilliant one is now doing a PhD - and I can't help thinking "Wasn't she in high school just a few years ago??" A__ has trouble learning, so getting a Bachelor's degree would be great news to his mum.
Agreed
I did my basics at community college and it was wonderful, highly suggest that to anyone who is looking for a cheaper way to get higher education (book prices still suck though). The degree she got is different than her cousin's, but I think it sucks we don't congratulate people when they accomplish things they are personally proud of more.
I'm a PhD in academia and I strongly support community colleges.