“He Hasn’t Talked To Me For 3 Days Now”: Boyfriend Upset His Name Won’t Be On House His GF Is Buying For Them
Most people go through the same major milestones in life, like getting married, having children, and, of course, getting their very own place to live in.
We’ll focus on the latter for today’s topic, as there’s a Reddit story by a young lady who, together with her partner, decided to buy a house, but due to some financial disagreements, have run into an ‘am I the a-hole?’ situation that was presented online for the internet’s judgement.
More Info: Reddit
Ask anyone who bought a house—it ain’t easy—so adding ‘family drama’ on top of it all makes it into a nightmare
Image credits: Andrew (not the actual photo)
A 22-year-old anonymous user on Reddit has turned to the r/AmITheA-hole community for some help figuring out if she was wrong for not wanting her boyfriend’s name to be on the house she’s buying because of his minimal financial input into it.
Context time: the woman has been together with her 25-year-old boyfriend for about 4 years now, 2 of which were spent living together in an apartment. Since OP has now landed a $80K-a-year job, she’s been wanting to get her own place, a house in particular.
A young woman turned to the Am I The A-Hole community for some answers about who’s wrong in her house-purchase situation
Image credits: [deleted]
The boyfriend, on the other hand, is as she said “not of a good work ethic,” having changed jobs 8 times throughout their relationship, all providing minimum wage, but he was still on board.
The two ended up finding a house, and decided that they would be looking for a house with a price range small enough that OP could pay for it alone, and the guy’s earnings would be used as extra cash. They would split the mortgage equally, but she’d pay utilities, insurance, and other related expenses.
Image credits: [deleted]
However, all was fine and dandy until the woman asked to only have her name on the house as she’s effectively buying it with her savings, and they aren’t married (and don’t plan on it for the time being).
This did not go well with the boyfriend as he got upset—it was supposed to be “their” house, and the woman claimed it would be, but not legally, as she’s just not willing to put $400,000 on the line.
His response was that if it’s going to be her house, then he shouldn’t have to pay to live there, with which OP disagreed. 3 days passed and the two aren’t talking, and the woman doesn’t think she’s wrong here, so she passed the question onto Reddit.
Image credits: [deleted]
Once the post was already out, she added a comment to clarify some things
For the most part, everyone ruled that she’s not wrong. For some, the argument was that it’s her money, so her house, and if the two were to break up, then they’d be forced to split the house, and that would mean selling it. And, of course, there were some pointing out the red flag in this relationship, providing appropriate advice.
But not everyone agreed with the verdict. There were people who said that everyone is at fault here and it’s something the couple should have had a conversation about long before starting a house hunt, and did not discuss their expectations, where communication is key.
For the most part, everyone supported here, but there were some who gave a different opinion
Another user also did the math and ruled she was actually wrong as she’s making four times more than the guy, but expects him to pay half the mortgage on a $400K house. If anything, that is a lot considering his income.
While the post’s stats are quite modest, having garnered nearly 10,000 upvotes with a handful of Reddit awards, it has encouraged over 2,300 comments for the discussion, so there’s that.
You can check out the full post, as well as all of the people’s comments here, and also check out other articles we’re done on the subreddit here. But before you scurry away, let us know who was wrong here, and how you would have solved the issue in the comments below!
I don't get it, she expects him to just pay half her mortgage and not own the place? That's a bit wild. If she wants to buy a house herself, she should just do that, that's fine. She can also ask him to pay rent, and other costs should be shared, obviously. Can't imagine that's a relationship that would last though.
I agree. Her mortgage shouldn't factor into it. She should charge appropriate rent, but not put it in terms of her mortgage. It is her house. She's the one getting equity. I think it is totally fair for her to keep sole ownership, but I think she made a critical mistake in calling it "our" house and talking about sharing the house expenses. I'm not surprised that he's feeling a bit shocked now. If she had started with something along the lines of, "I want to buy a house now that I'm in a good position financially. I'd love for you to continue living with me and we can come up with a fair rental agreement." Don't even imply "our", especially if you live somewhere with common law marriage statutes.
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If you're paying half the mortgage each, wouldn't it be a conversation with a solicitor to write up a simple agreement that both your names are on the house, but should you ever break up then you get the original $400k out that you put in, and the rest of the value of the house is split 50-50 (since that reflects the way you're contributing). Won't be the first time this scenario has come up for house purchasing, so a solicitor will be able to advise easily.
This is exactly what my ex and I did (apart from we didn't have a lawyer draw anything up, we just trusted each other). When we split up and sold the house we each got our deposit back (I paid 5x what she paid because I'm older and earned more) and split the profit 50-50 because we'd always split the mortgage 50-50. We were both happy with that.
Load More Replies... Well, I was in exactly that situation with my now wife (well, not exactly as the roles were reversed). I had money for a downpayment, she didn't, but it was obvious to me to put her name on the papers as well as she would be paying 50% of the mortgage. We since got married and actually the place is now paid off but if her name wasn't on the deed and we split up somehow after her paying in for years, she would have got nothing. Not cool.
This. I know I still, somehow, in 2021, feel it’s acceptable for men to fork out for their partners. And still treat them as equals. And it’s not the same the other way round. That’s not right, is it? So, not cool. Agree.
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The one who commented that 4x salary vs 50/50 mortgage has completely glossed over the fact that she is also paying for Every. Other. Housing. Cost. That's maintenance, utilities, insurances, taxes. There is so much more to home ownership than just the mortgage. If she is also paying for their groceries she is probably covering a lot more than 75% of the living costs, so BF is still getting a good deal. Whoever did the maths has either a) never actually done maths, or b) never had to actuall share living costs with another human being.
Plus she paid the down payment. We don't know how much that is. Could be a lot of the purchase price of the house.
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ESH...The BF is the AH since she is paying the down payment & most of the expenses. Asking him to pay 50% of the mortgage is fair, since in the grand scheme of things he will only be paying 20% of what it costs to live there. Also, nobody is taking into account that BF who makes barely anything, can't hold a job, who isn't putting in anything he owns on the house would end up with half of it if he's on the paperwork & they split up and sell or she would have to buy him out, causing a windfall in his favor. I wouldn't be to keen to give away half of what I own to someone who contributes little to nothing. She the AH for having this convo after the house was found and for keeping him around. I'm tired of successful people being tied into relationships with essential losers. People with mental issues can manage to handle a job and other adult responsibilities. Honestly, I feel he's using her.
If his credit rating is crappy, then his being on the mortgage means no deal on that mortgage. And, since she commented his work history is spotty due to mental illness, yeah, he's probably gonna be the reason a mortgage is turned down. Is 50% of the mortgage fair on him if he's not working? Well, no! But there are other reasons to exclude people than being TA. Just sayin'. (In this case, if he can't work, how's he gonna pay? She's not very realistic, IMHO.)
Never own property with someone without ALL the details being worked out before you look. This woman should dump this parasite. She is the one keeping him afloat. IF she lets him move into her home, she needs a rental agreement spelling out what each of their obligations are and what happens if one fails.
They may not have been able to buy the house if he was on all the paperwork if his credit is less than stellar. I don't know if that's the case, but people who live paycheck to paycheck often have credit issues.
The only useful advice my grandmother ever gave me: "it doesn't matter if you've met the love of your life, have kids together, have been together for years - ALWAYS have all your own separate finances, only ever have a joint bank account for paying bills, nothing else, all your own money should be in a separate account. You could have a whole life and family together and believe you're blissfully happy, and one day your husband just changes his mind, dumps you and the kids for Ms. New Boobs, takes everything and leaves you and the kids destitute. It happens EVERY DAY. ALWAYS look after yourself FIRST, then everyone else".
If there is trust issues this is definitely how people behave. If you can't trust someone to join money then marriage is definitely going to be rocky. No relationship is going to grow when there are serious trust issues like you described. If you truly feel like you could be left high and dry like that. You Have bigger issues and should work on those before you build a relationship. I get being worried about the future but living with doubt like that in the person you're supposed to trust is awful.
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I think her timing was off, this should have been discussed before. But that said, does he really think he deserves a free ride? He pays rent now, doesn't he? So why shouldn't he in the new house? But maybe call it rent, not have the mortgage. Maybe that is where the sticking point is. But, whatever she does, she should NOT put his name on that house. Not now anyway, maybe if and when he gets straightened out.
She needs counselling too. She has commitment phobias and trust issues and deep trauma from her parents multiple marriages. She says she sees herself spending the rest of her life with this person but she really can’t if she’s unwilling to live as an equal with them. Before any house is bought they both need help.
No no no. It should be her house, having him on the mortgage could hurt her in the long run if he doesn't have a good financial history. She's better off buying on her own. He's already proven he's not financially responsible, he doesn't deserve more than being a roommate paying rent. Boyfriend or not, he's not responsible, no lender would allow him to sign with his history. But aside from that - he'd want a buyout if they ever split, and that can really get nasty.
omg, this was like reading my life story - same boyfriend/house set-up and when we were breaking up (mainly because he was useless just like the bf in this story) he wouldn't leave because it was "his house too." Ummm I have a mortgage, deed, and any other bill to the house saying otherwise. Moral of the story I learned - don't EVER be with someone who is not stable enough to contribute to a big investment like a house. PERIOD.
Idk if I trust the narrative here. Her reasons for having the property exclusively in her name name seem legit. But she goes from "my boyfriend is lazy and has a poor work ethic" to "my boyfriend has a mental illness that 'causes him to call out every couple of weeks'." People with mental illnesses can sometimes be financially irresponsible, and it's perfectly reasonable that their partner would try to protect both of them by having property in only their name; but because she changes her language halfway through, it seems like we're not getting the truth here.
poor communication has led to this outcome. BTW silent treatment is a form of abuse and should not be tolerated. Definately wise not to have his name on the mortgage, he is irresponsible and unreliable. You should suggest to him if he is not comfortable with this arrangement he can find his own place then, as this would be cheaper for him and he isn't helping buy the house in any form. You're not even engaged, and tbh his mental health is a major issue if he isn't controlling it with medications and therapy, he is a risk to your financial stability.
She is also doing the down payment, so she has already invested more in the property than him, beyond the expenses she will be handling.
that's why there are notaries. Just put it clear who paid what part and who owns how much when things ever go wrong.
Why? I totally get the guy. Paying half the mortgage and then not being the owner, that seems unfair. Easy solution: buy a cheaper house together so he too can pitch in for half the utilities/ maintenance etc.
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My SIL is currently going through a divorce from a guy who can't hold a job, is an addict, and just an overgrown child. He's probably going to get half of everything though he barely contributed anything. She was stupid to marry him but that's "love" for you.
ESH. He’s a lazy loser and she’s taking advantage. She wants to own the whole house and put distance between her and her boyfriend of 4 years by using the house. Either commit or don’t. Nobody said you had to be married to commit. I’m not married and I own properties with my partner (who I planned to marry, but covid and taxes made it like bottom priority). Stop stringing the guy along and just cut him loose if you can’t commit to him. People are just cheap and weird and bad partners. If she was a better partner she’d just buy the house she wants, in her name only, and just let him contribute to the bills (electric, gas, cable, water, cleaning service, trash pickup, groceries, etc) instead of wasting his money on a house he’ll be kicked out of probably next year.
who's going to do ALL Ithe upkeep on the house/property? Mowing grass, raking leaves, fixing things inside the house? I believe you said you were taking care of ALL the utilities? If thats the case, then YES he should be paying rent that you can put towards the morgage. MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL OF THIS IN WRITING, so there is NO problems down the road. GOOD LUCK
Your money, your house. He doesn't get to put his name on it if he didn't pay for it. Let him pay half the mortgage as rent, especially as its lower than your rent now so it makes things completely fair. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't get to move into your dream house with you.
Your money, your house, but also your mortgage. You can use his money for the expenses, like electricity, gas, water, and maintenance, as he is using the house, a well. But if you want the house to be yours you buy it totally. Mortgage is yours. Not his.
She should have made it clear from the beginning however he needs to grow up and realise that he's getting a very good deal. If his ego is hurt he can move out and see if the grass is greener.
NTA, your only mistake was waiting to tell him he's not gonna be on the mortgage. If the mortgage payment is higher, charge him a rent that is equivalent to what he'd be paying somewhere else. It's not fair for him to pay half the mortgage payment if it's higher than normal rent. Help him get the mental health care he needs. If he refuses to address his mental illness, you may have to end it. I know a woman who bought a house with her boyfriend. They broke up and neither could pay the other off for half. They were upside in the mortgage (housing market dropped,) and they had to "short sell" it. Messed up both credits for years. You were smart to do it on your own.
She can't call it "our" house and then wonder why he gets upset when it she says she will be the one who own it. Then it's HER house only. She is kind of the AH for not making that clear from the start. Also: why should he pay for her mortage in that case? Rent is one thing but thats a different thing... but i would not charge rent from my partner for living in my house. That seems like doom for the relationship. Seems like she needs him for help to paying off her house only. And thats not fair. She has a few options: 1. Put his name on the house too. 2. Own her own house and let him live there and pay for living costs (food) but not towards the house. 3. Live separate.
My husband and I have been together 15 years and the best thing we ever did for our marriage was seperate our money. We split bills and are each responsible for ourselves. This has made everything better for so many reasons. I owned a home before we were married and we've sense moved into another. My name is on the house and his isn't. He pays half, helps fix things contributes.... These are things he'd be doing in his own place too. BUT just because this works for us doesn't mean it'll work for anyone else.
This is tricky. If he's paying half the mortgage... it is his house. But I understand her side of things. He can't hold a job, he doesn't make steady cash, he has no savings... the only money being used to buy the house initially is her money... so maybe they need to sit down and write up a contract and if they break up then he's only entitled to the money that he has put into it if she were to ever sell it and not the house itself or half since he's not paying for half of it. That's what my brothers did when they bought a house together. My oldest bought the house, middle brother paid 1/3 of the mortgage rather than paying 2-3x that in rent elsewhere. My middle brother got engaged and moved out and my oldest brother ended up selling the house and paid my brother back for the money he paid into the mortgage. That way the bf can't force her to sell it if they break up... but that he's also not getting f****d over. But wait.......
This is even trickier because that's also no different than a landlord who buys a home and rents it out and uses the rent money to pay off the mortgage... the tenant isn't entitled to a portion of the house after it's paid off... even though the tenant is probably paying for atleast half of it. Lol. So s**t... this is real tricky. They need to come up with some sort of legally binding agreement. Either what I said above. Or he's her tenant and treated as a renter. Ultimately I don't think either is an asshole. Except for how he's acting. That's childish as F**k. But she also should have communicated this from the jump. But at the end of the day, you need to protect your money and assets no matter if you're married or not. I saw my mother take everything my dad was worth when she never worked a day in her life and he worked 6 days a week, part of the carpenters union, pension everything and she made out better than him n f****d him royally. So yeah. This is really complicated.
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1) not fair if you earn much more than him and you pay the rent 50/50. you should have paid more 2) if you put only your name as the owner then he should not pay the morgage. you are trying to abuse him 3) you should have discussed the arrangement before, not now when you are about to sign the papers
I was only able to get the interest rate and programs I used to buy my house if it was only in my name. When we got married we discussed putting my husbands name on it and I know we will get around to it sometime. I'll still be the only one on the mortgage. No big deal. I joked that if I die my kids and my husband can hold some sort of competition to see who gets it but they seemed to all be comfortable living in the thing together. Every few years we mention that we should really get his name on this...
wow impressive 22 yrs old and a job that she can buy a $400,000 house.. sounds like the bf has been getting a good deal and is still getting one.. she pays for everything except his half of the rent/mortage.. and his personal stuff.. he has the luxury of not having to worry about bills... Is his name going to be as one of the ppl responsible for the loan? if not, she is the one that is liable for paying for the house so is her house. shes only 22 ,a lot of things can happen and she should not put herself in the situation where she could lose 1/2 of her house.. lol thinking he shouldnt have to pay something to live there.. maybe she should make him pay 1/2 of all the bills, groceries etc then he would be more appreciative of just how good he has it now.. his pouting is a big red flag... what else doesnt she know about this guy...
The only good answer is to go talk to a real estate lawyer. You're going to need one anyway for closing. My real estate lawyer's day job was a divorce lawyer. So that was a win win. But there are a lot of options here and the internet isn't the place to ask for this type of advice.
at first i was on the girl's side, but then i remembered what mortgage meant. yeah if both of you are going to pay the mortgage then it should be both of your houses
Yta, he's paying half the mortage, yet it''s YOUR house!? You also make 3x more than him,
He's not going to end of paying anything given his instability, and she's going to keep making excuses for him because she's just as unstable, women are forever complaining that they get treated a certain way and then get dumped in this case it's hard to sympathize, people can only use and take advantage of you if you let them. We're not splitting the cost of a bagel here.
She’s not married or planning to be married so she should not be buying a house with this guy. She should buy the house in her own name and charge him a reasonable rent - like what he was paying in his previous place - but not half of the mortgage. Paying half the mortgage implies he has an ownership stake. But really, she should think very carefully about having this guy move in - what if he doesn’t pay his rent and she ends up supporting him?
She's already supporting him, i think the real question is how does someone who has zero common sense supposedly make $80,000 a year?
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Get a prenup and NEVER commingle your money! I learned the hard way. My then husband withdrew all of our money, moved to Florida purchased a house paying cash for it and left me holding the bag on a 1300.00 mortgage. BTW he was having an affair. Love can turn to hate in a minute!!!!!
He's already "happy" letting OP pull most of the weight financially. All that's happening here is he's paying less rent for a nice house as opposed to higher rent for a smaller apartment. If he wants equal share he has to contribute a hell of a lot more. I will say, they should have discussed this before moving forward. He shouldn't have assumed he was getting something he hasn't earned and OP should have confirmed her intentions (sounds like it was always her plan be sole owner).
Imagine how the comment section would be up in arms with reversed gender roles. And WTF is this mortgage thing, she's expecting him to pay half of the house (minus down payment) without any rights on it? YTA.
This is wrong and she is in the wrong. There is no reason for his name not to be on the house. Especially if he's paying too. If it's both of theirs then that is exactly why his name should be on it. I feel bad for the guy even having to deal with this. It shouldn't be an issue with her if it's both theirs.
I'm worried about this relationship. He has mental health problems that "we" are hoping to get sorted out with "counselling"? Eek this is a controlling relationship.
Ok.... Look at it another way, as a bloke. I paid for the house, paid the mortgage, obviously was married but yet the state goes F**K you and gives all my work and effort to an ex bitch who did the square root of FA and never had a job. SO WELL DONE DUDE, stand up to this inequality, get your free half for being in a relationship. It's how it works for women.
Your mistake was not getting her to pay her share, in all fairness a lot of guys fall for this, love don't pay the rent, all in or nothing at all.
Load More Replies... I don't get it, she expects him to just pay half her mortgage and not own the place? That's a bit wild. If she wants to buy a house herself, she should just do that, that's fine. She can also ask him to pay rent, and other costs should be shared, obviously. Can't imagine that's a relationship that would last though.
I agree. Her mortgage shouldn't factor into it. She should charge appropriate rent, but not put it in terms of her mortgage. It is her house. She's the one getting equity. I think it is totally fair for her to keep sole ownership, but I think she made a critical mistake in calling it "our" house and talking about sharing the house expenses. I'm not surprised that he's feeling a bit shocked now. If she had started with something along the lines of, "I want to buy a house now that I'm in a good position financially. I'd love for you to continue living with me and we can come up with a fair rental agreement." Don't even imply "our", especially if you live somewhere with common law marriage statutes.
Load More Replies... If you're paying half the mortgage each, wouldn't it be a conversation with a solicitor to write up a simple agreement that both your names are on the house, but should you ever break up then you get the original $400k out that you put in, and the rest of the value of the house is split 50-50 (since that reflects the way you're contributing). Won't be the first time this scenario has come up for house purchasing, so a solicitor will be able to advise easily.
This is exactly what my ex and I did (apart from we didn't have a lawyer draw anything up, we just trusted each other). When we split up and sold the house we each got our deposit back (I paid 5x what she paid because I'm older and earned more) and split the profit 50-50 because we'd always split the mortgage 50-50. We were both happy with that.
Load More Replies... Well, I was in exactly that situation with my now wife (well, not exactly as the roles were reversed). I had money for a downpayment, she didn't, but it was obvious to me to put her name on the papers as well as she would be paying 50% of the mortgage. We since got married and actually the place is now paid off but if her name wasn't on the deed and we split up somehow after her paying in for years, she would have got nothing. Not cool.
This. I know I still, somehow, in 2021, feel it’s acceptable for men to fork out for their partners. And still treat them as equals. And it’s not the same the other way round. That’s not right, is it? So, not cool. Agree.
Load More Replies... The one who commented that 4x salary vs 50/50 mortgage has completely glossed over the fact that she is also paying for Every. Other. Housing. Cost. That's maintenance, utilities, insurances, taxes. There is so much more to home ownership than just the mortgage. If she is also paying for their groceries she is probably covering a lot more than 75% of the living costs, so BF is still getting a good deal. Whoever did the maths has either a) never actually done maths, or b) never had to actuall share living costs with another human being.
Plus she paid the down payment. We don't know how much that is. Could be a lot of the purchase price of the house.
Load More Replies... ESH...The BF is the AH since she is paying the down payment & most of the expenses. Asking him to pay 50% of the mortgage is fair, since in the grand scheme of things he will only be paying 20% of what it costs to live there. Also, nobody is taking into account that BF who makes barely anything, can't hold a job, who isn't putting in anything he owns on the house would end up with half of it if he's on the paperwork & they split up and sell or she would have to buy him out, causing a windfall in his favor. I wouldn't be to keen to give away half of what I own to someone who contributes little to nothing. She the AH for having this convo after the house was found and for keeping him around. I'm tired of successful people being tied into relationships with essential losers. People with mental issues can manage to handle a job and other adult responsibilities. Honestly, I feel he's using her.
If his credit rating is crappy, then his being on the mortgage means no deal on that mortgage. And, since she commented his work history is spotty due to mental illness, yeah, he's probably gonna be the reason a mortgage is turned down. Is 50% of the mortgage fair on him if he's not working? Well, no! But there are other reasons to exclude people than being TA. Just sayin'. (In this case, if he can't work, how's he gonna pay? She's not very realistic, IMHO.)
Never own property with someone without ALL the details being worked out before you look. This woman should dump this parasite. She is the one keeping him afloat. IF she lets him move into her home, she needs a rental agreement spelling out what each of their obligations are and what happens if one fails.
They may not have been able to buy the house if he was on all the paperwork if his credit is less than stellar. I don't know if that's the case, but people who live paycheck to paycheck often have credit issues.
The only useful advice my grandmother ever gave me: "it doesn't matter if you've met the love of your life, have kids together, have been together for years - ALWAYS have all your own separate finances, only ever have a joint bank account for paying bills, nothing else, all your own money should be in a separate account. You could have a whole life and family together and believe you're blissfully happy, and one day your husband just changes his mind, dumps you and the kids for Ms. New Boobs, takes everything and leaves you and the kids destitute. It happens EVERY DAY. ALWAYS look after yourself FIRST, then everyone else".
If there is trust issues this is definitely how people behave. If you can't trust someone to join money then marriage is definitely going to be rocky. No relationship is going to grow when there are serious trust issues like you described. If you truly feel like you could be left high and dry like that. You Have bigger issues and should work on those before you build a relationship. I get being worried about the future but living with doubt like that in the person you're supposed to trust is awful.
Load More Replies... I think her timing was off, this should have been discussed before. But that said, does he really think he deserves a free ride? He pays rent now, doesn't he? So why shouldn't he in the new house? But maybe call it rent, not have the mortgage. Maybe that is where the sticking point is. But, whatever she does, she should NOT put his name on that house. Not now anyway, maybe if and when he gets straightened out.
She needs counselling too. She has commitment phobias and trust issues and deep trauma from her parents multiple marriages. She says she sees herself spending the rest of her life with this person but she really can’t if she’s unwilling to live as an equal with them. Before any house is bought they both need help.
No no no. It should be her house, having him on the mortgage could hurt her in the long run if he doesn't have a good financial history. She's better off buying on her own. He's already proven he's not financially responsible, he doesn't deserve more than being a roommate paying rent. Boyfriend or not, he's not responsible, no lender would allow him to sign with his history. But aside from that - he'd want a buyout if they ever split, and that can really get nasty.
omg, this was like reading my life story - same boyfriend/house set-up and when we were breaking up (mainly because he was useless just like the bf in this story) he wouldn't leave because it was "his house too." Ummm I have a mortgage, deed, and any other bill to the house saying otherwise. Moral of the story I learned - don't EVER be with someone who is not stable enough to contribute to a big investment like a house. PERIOD.
Idk if I trust the narrative here. Her reasons for having the property exclusively in her name name seem legit. But she goes from "my boyfriend is lazy and has a poor work ethic" to "my boyfriend has a mental illness that 'causes him to call out every couple of weeks'." People with mental illnesses can sometimes be financially irresponsible, and it's perfectly reasonable that their partner would try to protect both of them by having property in only their name; but because she changes her language halfway through, it seems like we're not getting the truth here.
poor communication has led to this outcome. BTW silent treatment is a form of abuse and should not be tolerated. Definately wise not to have his name on the mortgage, he is irresponsible and unreliable. You should suggest to him if he is not comfortable with this arrangement he can find his own place then, as this would be cheaper for him and he isn't helping buy the house in any form. You're not even engaged, and tbh his mental health is a major issue if he isn't controlling it with medications and therapy, he is a risk to your financial stability.
She is also doing the down payment, so she has already invested more in the property than him, beyond the expenses she will be handling.
that's why there are notaries. Just put it clear who paid what part and who owns how much when things ever go wrong.
Why? I totally get the guy. Paying half the mortgage and then not being the owner, that seems unfair. Easy solution: buy a cheaper house together so he too can pitch in for half the utilities/ maintenance etc.
Load More Replies... My SIL is currently going through a divorce from a guy who can't hold a job, is an addict, and just an overgrown child. He's probably going to get half of everything though he barely contributed anything. She was stupid to marry him but that's "love" for you.
ESH. He’s a lazy loser and she’s taking advantage. She wants to own the whole house and put distance between her and her boyfriend of 4 years by using the house. Either commit or don’t. Nobody said you had to be married to commit. I’m not married and I own properties with my partner (who I planned to marry, but covid and taxes made it like bottom priority). Stop stringing the guy along and just cut him loose if you can’t commit to him. People are just cheap and weird and bad partners. If she was a better partner she’d just buy the house she wants, in her name only, and just let him contribute to the bills (electric, gas, cable, water, cleaning service, trash pickup, groceries, etc) instead of wasting his money on a house he’ll be kicked out of probably next year.
who's going to do ALL Ithe upkeep on the house/property? Mowing grass, raking leaves, fixing things inside the house? I believe you said you were taking care of ALL the utilities? If thats the case, then YES he should be paying rent that you can put towards the morgage. MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL OF THIS IN WRITING, so there is NO problems down the road. GOOD LUCK
Your money, your house. He doesn't get to put his name on it if he didn't pay for it. Let him pay half the mortgage as rent, especially as its lower than your rent now so it makes things completely fair. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't get to move into your dream house with you.
Your money, your house, but also your mortgage. You can use his money for the expenses, like electricity, gas, water, and maintenance, as he is using the house, a well. But if you want the house to be yours you buy it totally. Mortgage is yours. Not his.
She should have made it clear from the beginning however he needs to grow up and realise that he's getting a very good deal. If his ego is hurt he can move out and see if the grass is greener.
NTA, your only mistake was waiting to tell him he's not gonna be on the mortgage. If the mortgage payment is higher, charge him a rent that is equivalent to what he'd be paying somewhere else. It's not fair for him to pay half the mortgage payment if it's higher than normal rent. Help him get the mental health care he needs. If he refuses to address his mental illness, you may have to end it. I know a woman who bought a house with her boyfriend. They broke up and neither could pay the other off for half. They were upside in the mortgage (housing market dropped,) and they had to "short sell" it. Messed up both credits for years. You were smart to do it on your own.
She can't call it "our" house and then wonder why he gets upset when it she says she will be the one who own it. Then it's HER house only. She is kind of the AH for not making that clear from the start. Also: why should he pay for her mortage in that case? Rent is one thing but thats a different thing... but i would not charge rent from my partner for living in my house. That seems like doom for the relationship. Seems like she needs him for help to paying off her house only. And thats not fair. She has a few options: 1. Put his name on the house too. 2. Own her own house and let him live there and pay for living costs (food) but not towards the house. 3. Live separate.
My husband and I have been together 15 years and the best thing we ever did for our marriage was seperate our money. We split bills and are each responsible for ourselves. This has made everything better for so many reasons. I owned a home before we were married and we've sense moved into another. My name is on the house and his isn't. He pays half, helps fix things contributes.... These are things he'd be doing in his own place too. BUT just because this works for us doesn't mean it'll work for anyone else.
This is tricky. If he's paying half the mortgage... it is his house. But I understand her side of things. He can't hold a job, he doesn't make steady cash, he has no savings... the only money being used to buy the house initially is her money... so maybe they need to sit down and write up a contract and if they break up then he's only entitled to the money that he has put into it if she were to ever sell it and not the house itself or half since he's not paying for half of it. That's what my brothers did when they bought a house together. My oldest bought the house, middle brother paid 1/3 of the mortgage rather than paying 2-3x that in rent elsewhere. My middle brother got engaged and moved out and my oldest brother ended up selling the house and paid my brother back for the money he paid into the mortgage. That way the bf can't force her to sell it if they break up... but that he's also not getting f****d over. But wait.......
This is even trickier because that's also no different than a landlord who buys a home and rents it out and uses the rent money to pay off the mortgage... the tenant isn't entitled to a portion of the house after it's paid off... even though the tenant is probably paying for atleast half of it. Lol. So s**t... this is real tricky. They need to come up with some sort of legally binding agreement. Either what I said above. Or he's her tenant and treated as a renter. Ultimately I don't think either is an asshole. Except for how he's acting. That's childish as F**k. But she also should have communicated this from the jump. But at the end of the day, you need to protect your money and assets no matter if you're married or not. I saw my mother take everything my dad was worth when she never worked a day in her life and he worked 6 days a week, part of the carpenters union, pension everything and she made out better than him n f****d him royally. So yeah. This is really complicated.
Load More Replies... 1) not fair if you earn much more than him and you pay the rent 50/50. you should have paid more 2) if you put only your name as the owner then he should not pay the morgage. you are trying to abuse him 3) you should have discussed the arrangement before, not now when you are about to sign the papers
I was only able to get the interest rate and programs I used to buy my house if it was only in my name. When we got married we discussed putting my husbands name on it and I know we will get around to it sometime. I'll still be the only one on the mortgage. No big deal. I joked that if I die my kids and my husband can hold some sort of competition to see who gets it but they seemed to all be comfortable living in the thing together. Every few years we mention that we should really get his name on this...
wow impressive 22 yrs old and a job that she can buy a $400,000 house.. sounds like the bf has been getting a good deal and is still getting one.. she pays for everything except his half of the rent/mortage.. and his personal stuff.. he has the luxury of not having to worry about bills... Is his name going to be as one of the ppl responsible for the loan? if not, she is the one that is liable for paying for the house so is her house. shes only 22 ,a lot of things can happen and she should not put herself in the situation where she could lose 1/2 of her house.. lol thinking he shouldnt have to pay something to live there.. maybe she should make him pay 1/2 of all the bills, groceries etc then he would be more appreciative of just how good he has it now.. his pouting is a big red flag... what else doesnt she know about this guy...
The only good answer is to go talk to a real estate lawyer. You're going to need one anyway for closing. My real estate lawyer's day job was a divorce lawyer. So that was a win win. But there are a lot of options here and the internet isn't the place to ask for this type of advice.
at first i was on the girl's side, but then i remembered what mortgage meant. yeah if both of you are going to pay the mortgage then it should be both of your houses
Yta, he's paying half the mortage, yet it''s YOUR house!? You also make 3x more than him,
He's not going to end of paying anything given his instability, and she's going to keep making excuses for him because she's just as unstable, women are forever complaining that they get treated a certain way and then get dumped in this case it's hard to sympathize, people can only use and take advantage of you if you let them. We're not splitting the cost of a bagel here.
She’s not married or planning to be married so she should not be buying a house with this guy. She should buy the house in her own name and charge him a reasonable rent - like what he was paying in his previous place - but not half of the mortgage. Paying half the mortgage implies he has an ownership stake. But really, she should think very carefully about having this guy move in - what if he doesn’t pay his rent and she ends up supporting him?
She's already supporting him, i think the real question is how does someone who has zero common sense supposedly make $80,000 a year?
Load More Replies... Get a prenup and NEVER commingle your money! I learned the hard way. My then husband withdrew all of our money, moved to Florida purchased a house paying cash for it and left me holding the bag on a 1300.00 mortgage. BTW he was having an affair. Love can turn to hate in a minute!!!!!
He's already "happy" letting OP pull most of the weight financially. All that's happening here is he's paying less rent for a nice house as opposed to higher rent for a smaller apartment. If he wants equal share he has to contribute a hell of a lot more. I will say, they should have discussed this before moving forward. He shouldn't have assumed he was getting something he hasn't earned and OP should have confirmed her intentions (sounds like it was always her plan be sole owner).
Imagine how the comment section would be up in arms with reversed gender roles. And WTF is this mortgage thing, she's expecting him to pay half of the house (minus down payment) without any rights on it? YTA.
This is wrong and she is in the wrong. There is no reason for his name not to be on the house. Especially if he's paying too. If it's both of theirs then that is exactly why his name should be on it. I feel bad for the guy even having to deal with this. It shouldn't be an issue with her if it's both theirs.
I'm worried about this relationship. He has mental health problems that "we" are hoping to get sorted out with "counselling"? Eek this is a controlling relationship.
Ok.... Look at it another way, as a bloke. I paid for the house, paid the mortgage, obviously was married but yet the state goes F**K you and gives all my work and effort to an ex bitch who did the square root of FA and never had a job. SO WELL DONE DUDE, stand up to this inequality, get your free half for being in a relationship. It's how it works for women.
Your mistake was not getting her to pay her share, in all fairness a lot of guys fall for this, love don't pay the rent, all in or nothing at all.
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