The first year of parenting poses many challenges for all new moms and dads. The lack of sleep paired with tackling daily uncertainties and unknowns is exhausting. Top that with working, continuing to manage your household, and nurturing your relationships and you’ll have an explosive combination of stress. No wonder many forget to care for themselves and their personal needs.
Redditor @mc78907 also tried to juggle it all. Maybe a little too optimistically, he wanted to join his friends on a fun get-together for a couple of days, just like he did every year. But if there’s something babies are known for, it’s being excellent at forcing parents to change plans. Read on to see how the new dad handled it, why he needed to seek input from the r/AITA community, and what relationship coach Kim Polinder had to say about it all.
Taking care of a baby is a very demanding task that needs all hands on deck at all times
Image credits: Hollie Santos (not the actual photo)
This dad, though, decided to leave his wife to cope on her own when she was having a tough time. She wasn’t happy
Image credits: charlesdeluvio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jonas Leupe (not the actual photo)
After getting a lot of questions, the man clarified a few important details in the edit
Image credits: mc78907
The situation was difficult to navigate as both of them had valid concerns
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
To better understand the situation, Bored Panda chatted with Kim Polinder, a relationship coach and the host of a relationship podcast “Engineering Love.” She pointed out that the reasons behind these sorts of conflicts run deeper than it might seem at first glance. They point to our core wounds that arise from patterns of experiences in one’s life. “When deeper triggers are at play, arguments such as this can go round and round because individuals are not arguing about the same topic. The husband could be arguing about disrespect he perceives from his wife. Whereas the wife could be arguing about emotional abandonment from her husband.”
Polinder notes that deeper issue at hand here is “potentially related to the wife feeling abandoned and unloved during a time of fear and uncertainty.” That is why returning the favor by suggesting she takes a trip as well did not seem like a good enough suggestion for her. Her goal wasn’t to get away like her husband did, she was simply seeking more support. He, on the other hand, wasn’t just looking for an escape from the routine. “It’s not that the husband is valuing “golf with the boys” over time with his wife and son. Most likely what was at stake for him was a sense of responsibility and leadership, following through on commitments, and fiscal responsibility.”
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
When talking about the initial approval of the trip, the relationship coach highlights the importance of raw honesty when having conversations. “Many people pleasers have trouble saying no or expressing sentiments that differ from the desires of others. Over time, suppressing your feelings will lead to resentments that will come to light in times of stress.”
A way to sort out such issues seems easy enough. “When couples can’t agree on a solution, then compromise is the best route to take where both parties acknowledge that they may not get 100% of what they wanted,” states Polinder. But, of course, coming to the table open-minded and ready to negotiate is easier said than done. “Compromise and solutions can only be navigated successfully if both people feel understood. When people don’t feel understood, they will not move agreeably into solutions and compromise.”
Getting defensive also gets in the way of coming together. “All too often, couples are focused on proving that they’re not a bad person or quickly jumping to solutions. Meanwhile, emotional experiences are being ignored resulting in loneliness within the relationship.”
Becoming a parent puts a heavy strain on a relationship and can shake it up, no matter how solid it is
Image credits: Kelly Sikkema (not the actual photo)
Approaching a difficult conversation like that is hard in the clearest state of mind, much less when you’re sleep deprived and anxious. No wonder becoming a parent can rock the foundation of even the most stable relationships. All the stress piled together as well as not having as much time to communicate and have meaningful one-on-ones always lead to more conflicts.
People also change as individuals after having children. For women who give birth, it’s a shift brought upon by hormones and other changes in their bodies. This phenomenon called is matrescence and it fascinates many scientists who found that motherhood permanently affects a person’s cognitive abilities.
But the changes are not only physical. Having a new person to take care of can shift your priorities and your overall outlook of the world. Things that didn’t matter before can be a big deal now, leading to unexpected tensions. In a way, becoming a parent is like hitting a restart button on yourself and your relationship and refamiliarizing yourself with your partner can be tricky. That is especially because all your patience and grace is usually reserved for the innocent baby, leaving next to nothing for your partner. However, it’s crucial to reserve some kindness for them, too.
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Polinder points out that empathy is key when managing such tensions. “One of the biggest needs I find within couples is the need to be understood.” So, when conflict arise, it’s important to show generosity to each other. This can be complicated when tensions are running high, so try to walk away from emotional situations and come back to the matter once the feelings cool off.
Self-reflection can help you move on from such conflicts with peace. “What usually happens is that people hold onto resentments because they are holding on to one ‘right’ outcome,” says Polinder. This mirrors the OP’s statement that to this day him and his wife still stand by their opinions and decisions. Instead, the relationship coach suggests to keep looking for the deeper triggers that made you act how you did. “Empathy is key, and understanding your deepest upsets and attachment to others will shed light on how the pain of this situation relates to a pattern of experiences that started even before you met your spouse.”
The OP is obviously still ruminating on the matter if he decided to share it with the r/AITA community. Maybe having a discussion with them allowed both him and his wife to see each other’s perspectives more clearly. Now, equipped with all the additional take-aways, they can move on with grace.
The dad also elaborated on the situation a little more by replying to a few redditors
Many agreed that he was not in the wrong to leave
Others, however, thought that his decision was selfish and inconsiderate
Some commentators pointed out that neither is at fault here, and both have reasonable concerns
Finally, people also pointed out that his wife needs more support from him
Raising a small childe is just curve ball after curveball. You never know what is going to happen, and things will constantly change. That makes longterm planning a difficult task, as you will never know exactly what state you are in and what you will be capable of handling when the time finaly comes to realise the plans. Therefore you have to be flexible and adapt to the current situations, even if it means that previous plans has to be changed. I know that it suck, but becomming a parent will put limitations on what you can do, and will require that you make some changes in your lifestyle to find time to focus on your new family.
This... You can't say " you agreed to this months ago" and use that was an argument. So much can change.
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I REALLY expected him to get thrashed! Just goes to show how the same situation is acceptable for some and not others, depending on people's moods and who grabs it first for whatever purpose. I have read this (almost) exact story so many other times. Not sure what made this guy worthy of being cleared, when others, who I personally felt were more NTA's were, verbally, treated like c**p
One of the most important things parents can do is to give each other breaks.
Raising a small childe is just curve ball after curveball. You never know what is going to happen, and things will constantly change. That makes longterm planning a difficult task, as you will never know exactly what state you are in and what you will be capable of handling when the time finaly comes to realise the plans. Therefore you have to be flexible and adapt to the current situations, even if it means that previous plans has to be changed. I know that it suck, but becomming a parent will put limitations on what you can do, and will require that you make some changes in your lifestyle to find time to focus on your new family.
This... You can't say " you agreed to this months ago" and use that was an argument. So much can change.
Load More Replies... I REALLY expected him to get thrashed! Just goes to show how the same situation is acceptable for some and not others, depending on people's moods and who grabs it first for whatever purpose. I have read this (almost) exact story so many other times. Not sure what made this guy worthy of being cleared, when others, who I personally felt were more NTA's were, verbally, treated like c**p
One of the most important things parents can do is to give each other breaks.
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