Woman Sits On Husband’s Lap During Thanksgiving, Making It Very Awkward For His Mom And His Ex That She Invited To The Dinner
Two days ago, a confused 28-year-old woman turned to the AITA community to ask if she was wrong to act the way she did during Thanksgiving at her mother-in-law’s.
“We had Thanksgiving dinner at my MIL’s house. Shaun went there before me and when I arrived, it was already dinner time. Everyone was seated and I saw that all chairs were taken,” the Redditor wrote.
Not only that, she saw her husband’s ex comfortably sitting next to him. “I asked MIL why she didn’t save me a seat and she said ‘sorry,’” the author recounted. As you may suspect, this surely triggered the author and she had to spend the dinner sitting on her husband’s lap.
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Image credits: Gustavo Fring (not the actual photo)
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The author later shared some more information in response to these questions
Many people expressed their support for the author while some thought that her husband was also to blame for this whole situation
Uuurrgh. Why the hell don't people just call out the bad behavior? Confronting passive aggressive behavior firmly but respectfully is actually very effective. And you definitely have a husband problem. My husband would NEVER have allowed this scenario. He would have given up his chair and made other arrangements, or even stood while he ate - and I would have let him because it would have shown that we were united and he was with me.
Well said. There is no chance that my own husband would be seated at the family dinner table without having a chair available for me, or tolerate his family forcing me to endure the presence of an ex. These people seem rather lowbrow, as if this primitive behavior is the norm for this family. Sitting on his lap wasn't the power play she thought it was. A man who pits his wife against his ex (or allows his mother to do it) isn't worth the effort. All of this is making me cringe with disgust.
Load More Replies...The entire situation sounds childish. The husband should have said long ago that including his ex is not appropriate. By not saying it I assume he still like having her around and hasn't moved on.
Yeah. Either That Or Hopefully She's Been A Family Friend For Years; Perhaps Since They Were Children....?? That Was My Thought. But If Not, She Shouldn't Be Favored Here.... And Does She NOT Have Anyone Else In Her Life Other Than Having The MIL Set Them Up Like This For EVERY Holiday And Such....?? 🙄🙄🤦♀️🤦♀️
Load More Replies...To the OP...good luck with the divorce. Your husband is already thinking of going back to his ex if he didn't stick up for you. SMH, you can't be this clueless can you?
As a man, I can't understand why the husband didn't do/say something... as soon as I see my mother didn't reserved a seat for MY WIFE in the table, right next to me, I would have excused myself and leaved... and then I would have had a STRONG talk with my mother about how f*cking inappropriate was what she did and explained VERY clearly that she won't see me anymore if she tries to do something even REMOTELY like that EVER again... WITHOUT approving, I can understand the MIL being a b*tch because she doesn't like the new wife and prefers the ex... but the husband's behavior was totally UNACCEPTABLE...
ESH. MIL for her obvious exclusion of DIL (and, it seems to me, repeated attempts to get her son & Julissa back together again) and serving dinner before OP arrived. Julissa for sitting next to her ex, knowing (?) OP was going to show up. Hubby for not saying anything about it (perhaps he likes the attention, or having two women "competing" for him strokes his ego) and not making sure his wife has a place at the table. The other guests for not saying, "Hey, MIL, why don't you get OP a chair?" rather than sitting there awkwardly (I'm presuming they are all family, or very close friends, so surely that would have been a more comfortable situation). And lastly OP for her "your lap is so nice and warm" comments.
I disagree with the last part. OP has every right to fight for her husband especially in the face of a hostile MIL. If she has to go full Tara (SOA reference) then that was the situation she was put in.
Load More Replies...Husband failed to step up, he needs to set better boundaries with his mum and ex, and let them know that his wife is family and disrespecting her is not appropriate.
Like everyone, I feel like husband should have offered to move to the living room or kitchen since there wasn't enough seating for all of the guests at the dining room table. Not sure what MIL was planning to do when the wife got there. I also wonder what would have happened if she had just awkwardly stood there for a little while longer. The person who showed up unexpectedly should have really been the first one to offer their seat since they were not even supposed to be there. That is who the underlying jerk is. But MiL seating the ex right next to her hubby-- make no mistake, that was intentional. No person in their right mind, family friend or not, would seat exes next to the new girl/boyfriend or spouse. It's inappropriate and rude. Not sure why sitting in hubby's lap 'ruined' anything seeing as how not a single person offered to make room or move for her. It sounds like the MIL may not be the only person who doesn't like the wife.
I think she's fibbing about the person showing up unexpectedly, and you're telling me there are not enough stools/chairs/couch etc in this house?
Load More Replies...My daughters mother in law is unkind and unwelcoming to my daughter and I know how she would have handled this. She would have given a stern look to her husband and told him pack up enough food for the two of them and they would have gone home. Of course he would have wanted to avoid any drama and would have given up his seat but she is too nice to let him do that. She also would never set foot in that house again.
Good for your daughter. I hope she never allows her MIL to be even half as disrespectful of her as this MIL was to OP.
Load More Replies...NTA MIL is clearly trying to break you guys up. I don't know why but she is definitely trying to get him to go back to his ex. Also Julissa just needs to move on with her life. Going to Thanksgiving at your ex's house when there's no kids involved is just sad and not healthy for her at all.
If her family was close to MIL, why wasn't Julissa with her family?
Load More Replies...NTA Inform your MIL that as hostess it is her responsibility to have room and seats at the table for her guests. Let her know that you recognized her passive-aggressive behavior and your response was to create a space for yourself at the table with your husband. If other guests were uncomfortable it was a direct result of her failure as a hostess. Then you need to have a chat with your husband. He should have given you his seat, fetched a chair from the kitchen and asked his Mother where she expected him to find room for a place at the table! If there wasn’t room he should have indicated that he would eat with you in another room or that both of you would wait and eat together. Your husband enabled his Mother to pull this stunt! It is his responsibility to address his Mother’s passive aggressive behavior. In addition, he should tell his Mother that any repeat of her poor behavior as a hostess will result in both of your declining future invitations.
How exactly is Julissa family???????? OP was right, she was way more deserving of that seat. Also where did MIL expect her to sit????
OP had replied in one of the comments that jalissa was a friend of the family and their families were close ages before she and husband dated and then broke up, so she might have been considered family prior to them dating?
Load More Replies...Presumably they knew OP was on her way. Unless she was expected much later I don't know why they weren't saving her a seat. For that mater, why didn't they wait to start the meal until she arrived? If it's because she was working some odd shift somewhere and they didn't know when she was going to show up then she's kind of the problem here (still don't know why ex was there and seated next to the husband). I work nights and sometimes things don't work out well timing wise and I get to eat when everyone else is pretty much done because I get there when I can get there. So in this case they had someone show up they weren't expecting (the cousin). Why didn't it immediately become a thing on trying to figure out the seating for when OP arrives? At this point, I really want to know why OP arrived late, how late was she and when was she expected?
You should have taken the ex's seat when she went to the bathroom. When she returned and demanded "her" seat back, you reply "You just don't get it, do you? There are somethings that aren't yours anymore, dearie."
If I were OP, I wouldn't have trusted her not to sit in my husband's lap
Load More Replies...This woman has a husband problem more than she has a MIL problem. 1) Why did he let everyone sit before she got there? 2) Why didn't he do anything when he surely noticed there were not enough chairs? 3) Why isn't he dealing with his mother's rude behavior instead of ignoring it. "No, mom. If you feel thanksgiving was ruined then it was your own fault that you didn't ensure a seat for everyone at the table. You were outplayed so deal with it."
why the hell did the OP's husband just sit there? He should have given her his chair and then one and got one from the kitchen.AND he should be calling out his mother EVERY TIME she is nasty to his wife.
So, all chairs were taken, there was no place for another chair, MIL obviously did it on purpose, and husband was somehow OK with wife standing? What a mess.
Nothing in this story makes sense Does the ex not have a family to.go to on Thanksgiving? Why does rhe.mother in law think the.ex is family?
Exactly! Why doesn't this loser go to her own family!?! She's so desperate and pathetic.
Load More Replies...I had a mother-in-law just like this ... My husband was passive as well and never spoke up for me and it was very demeaning and humiliating. Needless to say we are no longer together. Your husband needs to respond for his actions or rather inaction.
First things first … NTA ! Secondly, your husband is TA !!! Thirdly, your MIL is beyond Passive Aggressive. That’s Straight Out AGGRESSIVE. You’re young , but your hubby is in his 30’s , old enough to stand up for his wife. To his mother and anyone else. If this man does not even the least this way , your husband will never have your back. And that’s not good my dear. I truly wish you well , but this is not a Red Flag it’s a Screaming RED FLAG ! Be concerned. I only wish I could email your MIL and scold her for how inappropriate She is behaving. Regardless of how she feels about his ex , he’s clearly chosen to marry you and she should grow up and respect that. Shame on her.
Husband should have dealt with this BS *before* his wife showed up. If there was no other way, he should have boxed up 1/4 of the offerings and a whole pie; then walked out to wait in the driveway for his wife with the "togo" boxes. Mommy can keep her preferred DIL~~He could keep his wife. Now, it looks like he'll be on wife #3 before another year is out.
She and her husband should've just ate in the kitchen by themselves. Let the MIL stick that in her pipe and smoke it!
The OP and husband should have left and had their own Thanksgiving at a restaurant. The husband is as bad as his mother.
Load More Replies...It doesn't matter who else was at the table. He husband is fully at fault for not making sure there was a place for his wife to sit. Kudos to the OP for making her husband uncomfortable and sitting on his lap!
She's NTA, but everyone else seems to be. Her MIL is a bad host for not making sure that everyone that was invited had a place to sit. Regardless if the ex is a family friend or not, it's highly inappropriate to seat her next to her newly married son. The ex should also respect that and sat next to someone else. And it's concerning that her husband was, what, just going to sit there and watch his wife get humiliated in front of his family? Didn't even protest when his wife didn't have a seat next to him (but his ex sure did) and didn't get up to find her a seat or ask his mom to? Either he's a pushover when it comes to his mom or he's complacent. That's a pretty big red flag that he won't stand up for his wife.
No way in hell I'm competing for my own husband's attention. Maybe it's cuz I'm pushing 40 but there's too many fish. Also, I'm good with my own company ✌
If it were me... husband and I would have left immediately. If he didn't leave his clothes would be on the lawn. Go back to your ex if you can't stand up for me.
The BIL tried to change the subject when 'it' became awkward. How about he grabs his plate and requests his spouse to do the same and sit at the kitchen table, where there are more chairs, maybe even invite the OP and hubby to sit there as well, 'divide and conquer' as they say. At least she would know who was an allied or enemy.
Nah, if anything OPs husband should've been the one to do that. I feel like if anyone should've spoken up it should've been OPs husband. And Op probably didn't want to pick sides, especially if his wife actually had a good relationship with his mom.
Load More Replies...Honestly, her husband should've spoke up from the beginning. Especially considering he arrived there BEFORE his wife, and he could've warned her about the situation.She also mentions that they've been married for 2 years so I cannot imagine that this is the first time the MIL has acted hostile towards OP so both her and her husband should've gone in expecting the worst from his mother. Also, if her husband was any kind of man he would've had a spot already saved for his wife next to him instead of letting the ex sit there. Honestly if after this whole situation OP doesn't realize that her husband is part of the problem then idk what to tell her. While can't control how his mother feels or acts appears his wife, he very much has a so so in how he responds to his mothers treatment of his wife, and this speaks volumes. They really need to have a serious conversation about his mother and probably their whole marriage, especially considering he puts the blame on the mother AND his wife.
I feel like there is a lot that OP is not telling us. If the issue was as simple as , I didn't have a seat so I sat on my husband's lap, I don't see the family being uncomfortable. The fact that things got awkward kind of makes me feel like there was a scene before that caused the awkwardness. She mentions being okay with the ex but by the way she describes and even comments to her MIL about her shows she is obviously not okay with the ex. This probably isn't the first time she's been in this situation with the ex and her husband.
She could've grabbed the other chair and made a point of making everyone at the table scooch around to make space for her right between her husband and Julissa and just carry one as normal. I'm torn between ignoring Julissa or engaging with her in a polite way would've been better.
It seems I'm with the most of you here. My husband would never have just sat there and he most definitely would never let his mother treat me so poorly. He said he'd have given me his seat and there no way in h3ll he'd have been sitting next to an ex regardless of she was a "friend" or not. Love and respect were his reasoning-as should be the reasons for every husband to not put their partner in this situation! Not the AH OP!
Julissa is a pathetic loser that needs to get over the fact that he's married and move on. The mil is a controlling pos. The husband is a spineless whimp who likes the attention. Op needs to run!
My MIL, Heaven rest her, pulled a great deal of passive-aggressive s**t, but in the main, my husband quashed most of it. If the man doesn't do this, the enterprise is screwed. Mine did, and 43 years later, here we are, and we've outlived anyone else who'd have tried to make trouble for us.
ESH. Sadly, my mother passed away before meeting my wife, but I know Mom would have absolutely adored her, so I can't fathom any of these circumstances happening--inviting ex, starting dinner without her, no seat. However, for the sake of argument, our solution would have been for my wife and I to take our plates and eat by ourselves in the kitchen. I hate how often posters here immediately jump to divorce, but OP definitely needs to have a SERIOUS talk with husband. Not OK.
I just wouldn't be okay with my husbands ex being at family gatherings anymore period !
She should host thanks giving next year, but not invite Julissa. If MIL complains about her not being there, just say to MIL "If I invite Julissa, YOU won't be coming, so choose your next words carefully" If she still complains, host the following year and invite Julissa and FIL but not MIL. Plan the seating accordingly
In my family the host will never sit down if there is not enough seats for guests. Until there is available space. Or she has space made. Etiquette is not your MILs Forte she failed miserably. NTA
Since your husband got there before you he should have made sure you had a chair at the table. He also should have made sure he was not sitting next to his ex. Your MIL planned this to create drama but your husband seems to enjoy that drama.
Firstly, a bad a*s move sitting on his lap. You go girl! The seating arrangement was clearly meant to EXCLUDE you. Your husband needs to grow a pair and take sides against his mum. You are his family first then it's mumma dearest.. Refuse to attend any more family functions If this ex will be there. If she turns up later then you and your husband leave. He had the chance to marry her before he met you but he chose you. MIL needs to let her son be the adult. Let her know any more of those shenanigans, she may not have access to her future grandkids. You don't need to play her game. You NTA , your husband is.
Sonething about this story doesn't ring true. Why did they arrive separately? Why were they already starting to eat before she arrived? What did her husband think was going to happen - he had to have known there was no place for her. What husband would have his wife in his lap for a whole meal - and what, eat off his plate - take turns with the silverware??? If this story IS true, and the husband had taken no action before she got there, or immediately after - I would have simply left. She was obviously not wanted nor welcome.
While MIL and ex girl were out of the room, I really think I would have taken my wedding ring off and laid it on the ex plate for all to see, said goodbye and left. I would make excuses everytime there was a get together hosted by MIL. If she had called me with that gaslighting, old girl would've gotten the crying, my telling her about all the time she slighted me...just give my my Emmy now. Then I would block her from all my SM sites...just too painful to have any contact with her.
The fact that the mother in law even invited her (the ex) is totally disrespectful. If his mother cannot respect your marriage you need to make other arrangements, uh oh, then it will be you who’s acting “funny “. How would his mother have felt should this had been her situation? People are so ignorant unless the tables are turned on them. The husband needs to confront his mother and put his foot down, she should respect his wife, it’s a reason she is?”his” wife, No wife should ever feel uncomfortable to be with her husband, the mother and whole family is out of line and have no respect for marriage. Ex is just what it is, out of there.
The more I read about American Thanksgiving, the more I'm glad that we don't have anything quite like that where I live. We have something called Thanksgiving in October, but it's much more low key.
Never marry a man/woman like this. They will let their family do whageber they want to you for the sake of "keeping the peace." She's only 28 and 2 years is not long to get married, though many people do it and if you have children it gets worse. They don't respect your boundaries or your rules and your spouse goes "oh well you know how she gets." Yeah I know, that's why I cut her off, and I would not put my favourite person in that position. I think these types of spouses are always flattered to have their ex around like that. Like somebody likes me so much they want me in their life in Amy which way
We moved from one province to the other (Canada) without leaving a forwarding address to my husband's ex - we didn't need to. When we found out that my MIL told her exactly where we were, I just blew up in her face. We didn't give her our address for a reason (she's a manipulating b**ch). It's not up to my MIL to give our personal information, etc. My husband finished by saying "don't be surprised when we don't give you any more news". We haven't seen my MIL in maybe 8 years and we no longer share news. Our daughter is due in April for our first grandbaby and we just told my MIL about it. Apparently she's still in touch with the ex; my husband said they couldn't stand each other when my husband was married to her. That was thirty some years ago.
Hold a dinner of your own, invite ex and mil, fill all chairs with stuff with notes they are taken. Have cards with everyone else's names on the other chairs. Fain stupidity like them and act indifferent when they complain...then raise a glass of wine and smile bright. It is unlikely you will stay married as he is showing clear signs of being inappropriate himself, women don't need mama's boys, they need grown up mature men. Ex had no place keeping seat next to him and him allowing it is a clear sign of a false love and distressed marriage. My apologies
Ide look for a new Husband to be honest this is so disrespectful and wrong how could he say nothing and do nothing?
Mommy issues! Why do so many women marry men like this! I've read so many MIL stories were the husband refuses to act like a grown up an deal with their mother's controlling, disrespectful and manipulative antics. This sort of behavior doesn't come out of the blue. OP knew what she was marrying into. This was obviously not the first incident; just the last straw. Husband is mama whipped. The old ex needs to move the F on with her life. MIL is a terrible host and petty person. The whole family deserve to have sat in the awkwardness that was intentionally created by the MIL. OP handled the situation well turning the tables; all though the "warm lap" comments maybe were a bit much for dinner table conversation. She should tell her husband that he can either deal with his mother now or they can go to marriage counseling.
Husband is TA for not standing up and giving his wife his seat. This happens often at family dinners with our family, people showing up at different times and eating around a table that definitely doesn't have enough room. When we host at our house and there's not enough room, my husband and I stand at the kitchen counter and let our guests sit. When we go to his family's and there isn't enough room, my husband always let's me take a seat and he stands. He will also give his seat to any other family members who are less capable of standing for a meal like that and we switch off after one has been standing for a bit. The fact that she showed up and no one did anything to try to move or make space and the fact her husband just sat there next to Julissa shows the level of respect this entire family has (not much) but mostly her husband. He really could have done something but he did nothing and embarrassed his wife in favor of his ex.
Husband is an a*s! What a freaking wimp! I'm thinking he wants to get back with ex too. Just very stra ge situation with overbearing mil, wus of a husband and the nerve of his ex. I'd probably leave his wimpy a*s after that. Why do women put up with such bad behavior. If you're staying, get some couple counseling asap!.
When Christmas rolls around and you get invited to MILs house for dinner, get a hold of a party supply shop, rent 20 chairs, have them delivered to MILs house on the day of the dinner and make sure to tell MIL you just didn't want things to get awkward!! It is a host's responsibility to ensure guests are comfortable, failing that, it is a husband's responsibility to ensure his wife is comfortable.
How embarrassing for the other woman to keep coming to dinners with her ex and his new wife too, though. It's time to move on and get her own life and own family. MIL isn't doing her any favors by encouraging this and fostering some false hope that they're going to get back together one day and be a happy family again. And taking a seat away from the table doesn't make her not his wife anymore, you childish idiots.
OP you were fine. Since the MIL was a poor hostess, not providing a chair from the kitchen for OP. OP should have sweetly asked her husband to get her a chair from the kitchen. Then she should have said excuse me as she wiggled the chair between her husband and his ex, even if she had to hold her plate. The MIL is way out of line sitting ex next to OP husband. Husband should stand up for his wife and have a private conversation with his mother about respecting his wife
I respect the MIL for keeping the former DIL in the family. I have a (soon to be former) FIL & SIL that refuse to accept the amicable divorce their son/brother & I r going thru. He & I r still family, best frends .. just don’t want to be married anymore. Divorce has nothing to do with them! They telld me I’m no longer welcome around them, wen I’ve always been treeted like family! I’m lucky that my (ex)huzband is siding with me & spent the holiday with me & our adult daughter. That said .. MIL shoud have made extra room being aware she was a chair short .. the huzband shoud have made the effort to get another chair & figure out table space. MIL & huzband YTA.
The way the story reads, Julissa is not a former DIL, she's an ex girlfriend. The MIL is playing a not nice game at the OP's expense. The husband ain't being husband like toward his wife and Julissa is being woefully disrespectful. This is a hot mess all the way around.
Load More Replies...So you just write yourself an alternative fact story to suit the answer you want to give? Take the facts as given.
Load More Replies...What the actual f@ck?!? Is wrong with you?!?
Load More Replies...The story clearly addressed the chair issue. There were other chairs, but there was no space for it at the table, and the host should have taken care of that. Also, people not wanting to address the awkwardness is quite normal in a lot of families. As noted in the story, they weren’t very successful at changing the subject, which is also normal. And you really have never heard of a spouse blaming their partner instead of the person who was clearly in the wrong? I don’t know what fantasy world you’ve been living in, but here, on Earth, significant others can sometimes turn out to be selfish or just plain obtuse. Who knows if this story is real or made up? However, nothing about it is something that hasn’t happened in a lot of other families. But, congratulations on never encountering jerks like this, I guess.
Load More Replies...Uuurrgh. Why the hell don't people just call out the bad behavior? Confronting passive aggressive behavior firmly but respectfully is actually very effective. And you definitely have a husband problem. My husband would NEVER have allowed this scenario. He would have given up his chair and made other arrangements, or even stood while he ate - and I would have let him because it would have shown that we were united and he was with me.
Well said. There is no chance that my own husband would be seated at the family dinner table without having a chair available for me, or tolerate his family forcing me to endure the presence of an ex. These people seem rather lowbrow, as if this primitive behavior is the norm for this family. Sitting on his lap wasn't the power play she thought it was. A man who pits his wife against his ex (or allows his mother to do it) isn't worth the effort. All of this is making me cringe with disgust.
Load More Replies...The entire situation sounds childish. The husband should have said long ago that including his ex is not appropriate. By not saying it I assume he still like having her around and hasn't moved on.
Yeah. Either That Or Hopefully She's Been A Family Friend For Years; Perhaps Since They Were Children....?? That Was My Thought. But If Not, She Shouldn't Be Favored Here.... And Does She NOT Have Anyone Else In Her Life Other Than Having The MIL Set Them Up Like This For EVERY Holiday And Such....?? 🙄🙄🤦♀️🤦♀️
Load More Replies...To the OP...good luck with the divorce. Your husband is already thinking of going back to his ex if he didn't stick up for you. SMH, you can't be this clueless can you?
As a man, I can't understand why the husband didn't do/say something... as soon as I see my mother didn't reserved a seat for MY WIFE in the table, right next to me, I would have excused myself and leaved... and then I would have had a STRONG talk with my mother about how f*cking inappropriate was what she did and explained VERY clearly that she won't see me anymore if she tries to do something even REMOTELY like that EVER again... WITHOUT approving, I can understand the MIL being a b*tch because she doesn't like the new wife and prefers the ex... but the husband's behavior was totally UNACCEPTABLE...
ESH. MIL for her obvious exclusion of DIL (and, it seems to me, repeated attempts to get her son & Julissa back together again) and serving dinner before OP arrived. Julissa for sitting next to her ex, knowing (?) OP was going to show up. Hubby for not saying anything about it (perhaps he likes the attention, or having two women "competing" for him strokes his ego) and not making sure his wife has a place at the table. The other guests for not saying, "Hey, MIL, why don't you get OP a chair?" rather than sitting there awkwardly (I'm presuming they are all family, or very close friends, so surely that would have been a more comfortable situation). And lastly OP for her "your lap is so nice and warm" comments.
I disagree with the last part. OP has every right to fight for her husband especially in the face of a hostile MIL. If she has to go full Tara (SOA reference) then that was the situation she was put in.
Load More Replies...Husband failed to step up, he needs to set better boundaries with his mum and ex, and let them know that his wife is family and disrespecting her is not appropriate.
Like everyone, I feel like husband should have offered to move to the living room or kitchen since there wasn't enough seating for all of the guests at the dining room table. Not sure what MIL was planning to do when the wife got there. I also wonder what would have happened if she had just awkwardly stood there for a little while longer. The person who showed up unexpectedly should have really been the first one to offer their seat since they were not even supposed to be there. That is who the underlying jerk is. But MiL seating the ex right next to her hubby-- make no mistake, that was intentional. No person in their right mind, family friend or not, would seat exes next to the new girl/boyfriend or spouse. It's inappropriate and rude. Not sure why sitting in hubby's lap 'ruined' anything seeing as how not a single person offered to make room or move for her. It sounds like the MIL may not be the only person who doesn't like the wife.
I think she's fibbing about the person showing up unexpectedly, and you're telling me there are not enough stools/chairs/couch etc in this house?
Load More Replies...My daughters mother in law is unkind and unwelcoming to my daughter and I know how she would have handled this. She would have given a stern look to her husband and told him pack up enough food for the two of them and they would have gone home. Of course he would have wanted to avoid any drama and would have given up his seat but she is too nice to let him do that. She also would never set foot in that house again.
Good for your daughter. I hope she never allows her MIL to be even half as disrespectful of her as this MIL was to OP.
Load More Replies...NTA MIL is clearly trying to break you guys up. I don't know why but she is definitely trying to get him to go back to his ex. Also Julissa just needs to move on with her life. Going to Thanksgiving at your ex's house when there's no kids involved is just sad and not healthy for her at all.
If her family was close to MIL, why wasn't Julissa with her family?
Load More Replies...NTA Inform your MIL that as hostess it is her responsibility to have room and seats at the table for her guests. Let her know that you recognized her passive-aggressive behavior and your response was to create a space for yourself at the table with your husband. If other guests were uncomfortable it was a direct result of her failure as a hostess. Then you need to have a chat with your husband. He should have given you his seat, fetched a chair from the kitchen and asked his Mother where she expected him to find room for a place at the table! If there wasn’t room he should have indicated that he would eat with you in another room or that both of you would wait and eat together. Your husband enabled his Mother to pull this stunt! It is his responsibility to address his Mother’s passive aggressive behavior. In addition, he should tell his Mother that any repeat of her poor behavior as a hostess will result in both of your declining future invitations.
How exactly is Julissa family???????? OP was right, she was way more deserving of that seat. Also where did MIL expect her to sit????
OP had replied in one of the comments that jalissa was a friend of the family and their families were close ages before she and husband dated and then broke up, so she might have been considered family prior to them dating?
Load More Replies...Presumably they knew OP was on her way. Unless she was expected much later I don't know why they weren't saving her a seat. For that mater, why didn't they wait to start the meal until she arrived? If it's because she was working some odd shift somewhere and they didn't know when she was going to show up then she's kind of the problem here (still don't know why ex was there and seated next to the husband). I work nights and sometimes things don't work out well timing wise and I get to eat when everyone else is pretty much done because I get there when I can get there. So in this case they had someone show up they weren't expecting (the cousin). Why didn't it immediately become a thing on trying to figure out the seating for when OP arrives? At this point, I really want to know why OP arrived late, how late was she and when was she expected?
You should have taken the ex's seat when she went to the bathroom. When she returned and demanded "her" seat back, you reply "You just don't get it, do you? There are somethings that aren't yours anymore, dearie."
If I were OP, I wouldn't have trusted her not to sit in my husband's lap
Load More Replies...This woman has a husband problem more than she has a MIL problem. 1) Why did he let everyone sit before she got there? 2) Why didn't he do anything when he surely noticed there were not enough chairs? 3) Why isn't he dealing with his mother's rude behavior instead of ignoring it. "No, mom. If you feel thanksgiving was ruined then it was your own fault that you didn't ensure a seat for everyone at the table. You were outplayed so deal with it."
why the hell did the OP's husband just sit there? He should have given her his chair and then one and got one from the kitchen.AND he should be calling out his mother EVERY TIME she is nasty to his wife.
So, all chairs were taken, there was no place for another chair, MIL obviously did it on purpose, and husband was somehow OK with wife standing? What a mess.
Nothing in this story makes sense Does the ex not have a family to.go to on Thanksgiving? Why does rhe.mother in law think the.ex is family?
Exactly! Why doesn't this loser go to her own family!?! She's so desperate and pathetic.
Load More Replies...I had a mother-in-law just like this ... My husband was passive as well and never spoke up for me and it was very demeaning and humiliating. Needless to say we are no longer together. Your husband needs to respond for his actions or rather inaction.
First things first … NTA ! Secondly, your husband is TA !!! Thirdly, your MIL is beyond Passive Aggressive. That’s Straight Out AGGRESSIVE. You’re young , but your hubby is in his 30’s , old enough to stand up for his wife. To his mother and anyone else. If this man does not even the least this way , your husband will never have your back. And that’s not good my dear. I truly wish you well , but this is not a Red Flag it’s a Screaming RED FLAG ! Be concerned. I only wish I could email your MIL and scold her for how inappropriate She is behaving. Regardless of how she feels about his ex , he’s clearly chosen to marry you and she should grow up and respect that. Shame on her.
Husband should have dealt with this BS *before* his wife showed up. If there was no other way, he should have boxed up 1/4 of the offerings and a whole pie; then walked out to wait in the driveway for his wife with the "togo" boxes. Mommy can keep her preferred DIL~~He could keep his wife. Now, it looks like he'll be on wife #3 before another year is out.
She and her husband should've just ate in the kitchen by themselves. Let the MIL stick that in her pipe and smoke it!
The OP and husband should have left and had their own Thanksgiving at a restaurant. The husband is as bad as his mother.
Load More Replies...It doesn't matter who else was at the table. He husband is fully at fault for not making sure there was a place for his wife to sit. Kudos to the OP for making her husband uncomfortable and sitting on his lap!
She's NTA, but everyone else seems to be. Her MIL is a bad host for not making sure that everyone that was invited had a place to sit. Regardless if the ex is a family friend or not, it's highly inappropriate to seat her next to her newly married son. The ex should also respect that and sat next to someone else. And it's concerning that her husband was, what, just going to sit there and watch his wife get humiliated in front of his family? Didn't even protest when his wife didn't have a seat next to him (but his ex sure did) and didn't get up to find her a seat or ask his mom to? Either he's a pushover when it comes to his mom or he's complacent. That's a pretty big red flag that he won't stand up for his wife.
No way in hell I'm competing for my own husband's attention. Maybe it's cuz I'm pushing 40 but there's too many fish. Also, I'm good with my own company ✌
If it were me... husband and I would have left immediately. If he didn't leave his clothes would be on the lawn. Go back to your ex if you can't stand up for me.
The BIL tried to change the subject when 'it' became awkward. How about he grabs his plate and requests his spouse to do the same and sit at the kitchen table, where there are more chairs, maybe even invite the OP and hubby to sit there as well, 'divide and conquer' as they say. At least she would know who was an allied or enemy.
Nah, if anything OPs husband should've been the one to do that. I feel like if anyone should've spoken up it should've been OPs husband. And Op probably didn't want to pick sides, especially if his wife actually had a good relationship with his mom.
Load More Replies...Honestly, her husband should've spoke up from the beginning. Especially considering he arrived there BEFORE his wife, and he could've warned her about the situation.She also mentions that they've been married for 2 years so I cannot imagine that this is the first time the MIL has acted hostile towards OP so both her and her husband should've gone in expecting the worst from his mother. Also, if her husband was any kind of man he would've had a spot already saved for his wife next to him instead of letting the ex sit there. Honestly if after this whole situation OP doesn't realize that her husband is part of the problem then idk what to tell her. While can't control how his mother feels or acts appears his wife, he very much has a so so in how he responds to his mothers treatment of his wife, and this speaks volumes. They really need to have a serious conversation about his mother and probably their whole marriage, especially considering he puts the blame on the mother AND his wife.
I feel like there is a lot that OP is not telling us. If the issue was as simple as , I didn't have a seat so I sat on my husband's lap, I don't see the family being uncomfortable. The fact that things got awkward kind of makes me feel like there was a scene before that caused the awkwardness. She mentions being okay with the ex but by the way she describes and even comments to her MIL about her shows she is obviously not okay with the ex. This probably isn't the first time she's been in this situation with the ex and her husband.
She could've grabbed the other chair and made a point of making everyone at the table scooch around to make space for her right between her husband and Julissa and just carry one as normal. I'm torn between ignoring Julissa or engaging with her in a polite way would've been better.
It seems I'm with the most of you here. My husband would never have just sat there and he most definitely would never let his mother treat me so poorly. He said he'd have given me his seat and there no way in h3ll he'd have been sitting next to an ex regardless of she was a "friend" or not. Love and respect were his reasoning-as should be the reasons for every husband to not put their partner in this situation! Not the AH OP!
Julissa is a pathetic loser that needs to get over the fact that he's married and move on. The mil is a controlling pos. The husband is a spineless whimp who likes the attention. Op needs to run!
My MIL, Heaven rest her, pulled a great deal of passive-aggressive s**t, but in the main, my husband quashed most of it. If the man doesn't do this, the enterprise is screwed. Mine did, and 43 years later, here we are, and we've outlived anyone else who'd have tried to make trouble for us.
ESH. Sadly, my mother passed away before meeting my wife, but I know Mom would have absolutely adored her, so I can't fathom any of these circumstances happening--inviting ex, starting dinner without her, no seat. However, for the sake of argument, our solution would have been for my wife and I to take our plates and eat by ourselves in the kitchen. I hate how often posters here immediately jump to divorce, but OP definitely needs to have a SERIOUS talk with husband. Not OK.
I just wouldn't be okay with my husbands ex being at family gatherings anymore period !
She should host thanks giving next year, but not invite Julissa. If MIL complains about her not being there, just say to MIL "If I invite Julissa, YOU won't be coming, so choose your next words carefully" If she still complains, host the following year and invite Julissa and FIL but not MIL. Plan the seating accordingly
In my family the host will never sit down if there is not enough seats for guests. Until there is available space. Or she has space made. Etiquette is not your MILs Forte she failed miserably. NTA
Since your husband got there before you he should have made sure you had a chair at the table. He also should have made sure he was not sitting next to his ex. Your MIL planned this to create drama but your husband seems to enjoy that drama.
Firstly, a bad a*s move sitting on his lap. You go girl! The seating arrangement was clearly meant to EXCLUDE you. Your husband needs to grow a pair and take sides against his mum. You are his family first then it's mumma dearest.. Refuse to attend any more family functions If this ex will be there. If she turns up later then you and your husband leave. He had the chance to marry her before he met you but he chose you. MIL needs to let her son be the adult. Let her know any more of those shenanigans, she may not have access to her future grandkids. You don't need to play her game. You NTA , your husband is.
Sonething about this story doesn't ring true. Why did they arrive separately? Why were they already starting to eat before she arrived? What did her husband think was going to happen - he had to have known there was no place for her. What husband would have his wife in his lap for a whole meal - and what, eat off his plate - take turns with the silverware??? If this story IS true, and the husband had taken no action before she got there, or immediately after - I would have simply left. She was obviously not wanted nor welcome.
While MIL and ex girl were out of the room, I really think I would have taken my wedding ring off and laid it on the ex plate for all to see, said goodbye and left. I would make excuses everytime there was a get together hosted by MIL. If she had called me with that gaslighting, old girl would've gotten the crying, my telling her about all the time she slighted me...just give my my Emmy now. Then I would block her from all my SM sites...just too painful to have any contact with her.
The fact that the mother in law even invited her (the ex) is totally disrespectful. If his mother cannot respect your marriage you need to make other arrangements, uh oh, then it will be you who’s acting “funny “. How would his mother have felt should this had been her situation? People are so ignorant unless the tables are turned on them. The husband needs to confront his mother and put his foot down, she should respect his wife, it’s a reason she is?”his” wife, No wife should ever feel uncomfortable to be with her husband, the mother and whole family is out of line and have no respect for marriage. Ex is just what it is, out of there.
The more I read about American Thanksgiving, the more I'm glad that we don't have anything quite like that where I live. We have something called Thanksgiving in October, but it's much more low key.
Never marry a man/woman like this. They will let their family do whageber they want to you for the sake of "keeping the peace." She's only 28 and 2 years is not long to get married, though many people do it and if you have children it gets worse. They don't respect your boundaries or your rules and your spouse goes "oh well you know how she gets." Yeah I know, that's why I cut her off, and I would not put my favourite person in that position. I think these types of spouses are always flattered to have their ex around like that. Like somebody likes me so much they want me in their life in Amy which way
We moved from one province to the other (Canada) without leaving a forwarding address to my husband's ex - we didn't need to. When we found out that my MIL told her exactly where we were, I just blew up in her face. We didn't give her our address for a reason (she's a manipulating b**ch). It's not up to my MIL to give our personal information, etc. My husband finished by saying "don't be surprised when we don't give you any more news". We haven't seen my MIL in maybe 8 years and we no longer share news. Our daughter is due in April for our first grandbaby and we just told my MIL about it. Apparently she's still in touch with the ex; my husband said they couldn't stand each other when my husband was married to her. That was thirty some years ago.
Hold a dinner of your own, invite ex and mil, fill all chairs with stuff with notes they are taken. Have cards with everyone else's names on the other chairs. Fain stupidity like them and act indifferent when they complain...then raise a glass of wine and smile bright. It is unlikely you will stay married as he is showing clear signs of being inappropriate himself, women don't need mama's boys, they need grown up mature men. Ex had no place keeping seat next to him and him allowing it is a clear sign of a false love and distressed marriage. My apologies
Ide look for a new Husband to be honest this is so disrespectful and wrong how could he say nothing and do nothing?
Mommy issues! Why do so many women marry men like this! I've read so many MIL stories were the husband refuses to act like a grown up an deal with their mother's controlling, disrespectful and manipulative antics. This sort of behavior doesn't come out of the blue. OP knew what she was marrying into. This was obviously not the first incident; just the last straw. Husband is mama whipped. The old ex needs to move the F on with her life. MIL is a terrible host and petty person. The whole family deserve to have sat in the awkwardness that was intentionally created by the MIL. OP handled the situation well turning the tables; all though the "warm lap" comments maybe were a bit much for dinner table conversation. She should tell her husband that he can either deal with his mother now or they can go to marriage counseling.
Husband is TA for not standing up and giving his wife his seat. This happens often at family dinners with our family, people showing up at different times and eating around a table that definitely doesn't have enough room. When we host at our house and there's not enough room, my husband and I stand at the kitchen counter and let our guests sit. When we go to his family's and there isn't enough room, my husband always let's me take a seat and he stands. He will also give his seat to any other family members who are less capable of standing for a meal like that and we switch off after one has been standing for a bit. The fact that she showed up and no one did anything to try to move or make space and the fact her husband just sat there next to Julissa shows the level of respect this entire family has (not much) but mostly her husband. He really could have done something but he did nothing and embarrassed his wife in favor of his ex.
Husband is an a*s! What a freaking wimp! I'm thinking he wants to get back with ex too. Just very stra ge situation with overbearing mil, wus of a husband and the nerve of his ex. I'd probably leave his wimpy a*s after that. Why do women put up with such bad behavior. If you're staying, get some couple counseling asap!.
When Christmas rolls around and you get invited to MILs house for dinner, get a hold of a party supply shop, rent 20 chairs, have them delivered to MILs house on the day of the dinner and make sure to tell MIL you just didn't want things to get awkward!! It is a host's responsibility to ensure guests are comfortable, failing that, it is a husband's responsibility to ensure his wife is comfortable.
How embarrassing for the other woman to keep coming to dinners with her ex and his new wife too, though. It's time to move on and get her own life and own family. MIL isn't doing her any favors by encouraging this and fostering some false hope that they're going to get back together one day and be a happy family again. And taking a seat away from the table doesn't make her not his wife anymore, you childish idiots.
OP you were fine. Since the MIL was a poor hostess, not providing a chair from the kitchen for OP. OP should have sweetly asked her husband to get her a chair from the kitchen. Then she should have said excuse me as she wiggled the chair between her husband and his ex, even if she had to hold her plate. The MIL is way out of line sitting ex next to OP husband. Husband should stand up for his wife and have a private conversation with his mother about respecting his wife
I respect the MIL for keeping the former DIL in the family. I have a (soon to be former) FIL & SIL that refuse to accept the amicable divorce their son/brother & I r going thru. He & I r still family, best frends .. just don’t want to be married anymore. Divorce has nothing to do with them! They telld me I’m no longer welcome around them, wen I’ve always been treeted like family! I’m lucky that my (ex)huzband is siding with me & spent the holiday with me & our adult daughter. That said .. MIL shoud have made extra room being aware she was a chair short .. the huzband shoud have made the effort to get another chair & figure out table space. MIL & huzband YTA.
The way the story reads, Julissa is not a former DIL, she's an ex girlfriend. The MIL is playing a not nice game at the OP's expense. The husband ain't being husband like toward his wife and Julissa is being woefully disrespectful. This is a hot mess all the way around.
Load More Replies...So you just write yourself an alternative fact story to suit the answer you want to give? Take the facts as given.
Load More Replies...What the actual f@ck?!? Is wrong with you?!?
Load More Replies...The story clearly addressed the chair issue. There were other chairs, but there was no space for it at the table, and the host should have taken care of that. Also, people not wanting to address the awkwardness is quite normal in a lot of families. As noted in the story, they weren’t very successful at changing the subject, which is also normal. And you really have never heard of a spouse blaming their partner instead of the person who was clearly in the wrong? I don’t know what fantasy world you’ve been living in, but here, on Earth, significant others can sometimes turn out to be selfish or just plain obtuse. Who knows if this story is real or made up? However, nothing about it is something that hasn’t happened in a lot of other families. But, congratulations on never encountering jerks like this, I guess.
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