“I’d Pick Our Baby Over You”: Woman Horrified At Husband’s Nonchalant Choice
In any serious relationship, there will come a time when you need to talk about kids. Having them, or not having them, every couple is different, but as long as both parties are on the same page, the relationship has a chance to grow and develop. But if the couple doesn’t see eye to eye, there is going to be friction.
A woman shared her concern that her husband saw her as just a baby-incubator when he said he would pick their unborn child over her. Readers shared their opinions and stories. We reached out to Throwra_aitababy and will update the story when she gets back to us.
Couples sometimes disagree over kids
Image credits: melis can / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But one woman was worried after her husband stated that he would pick their kid over her
Image credits: Alena Darmel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: George Milton / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throwra_aitababy
Image credits: Alex Green / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s understandable why the wife would be worried
At first glance, the husband’s words might end up looking even more concerning. Fortunately, as OP acknowledges, he was speaking about a purely hypothetical situation. That being said, it’s a cold comfort for her. While it’s perhaps good that the father cares and is involved in the well-being of his child, she now has to live with the fear that in a life-and-death situation, she can’t actually trust her husband.
In general, there is something about babies that makes some people go a little overboard. “Picking” the child is a dramatic-sounding gesture, particularly when the husband isn’t the one at risk, but it no doubt comes from a very real place. As many commentators have stated, his words do seem particularly out-of-touch.
After all, it’s the mother who is at risk during childbirth and, all things considered, the doctors would be making the major decisions, not the husband. While we do not know more about his psychology, we can give a bit of the benefit of the doubt. OP describes the relationship between them as loving and positive.
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Having kids often comes with all sorts of new responsibilities
So the explanation could be an expecting father, perhaps nervous about his new role, taking on a degree of bravado as a coping mechanism. Perhaps this is something that helps him get into the mindset of being a father. However, as OP notes, he has not at all considered how this makes his wife and the mother of his child feel.
It’s not unreasonable to be stressed when expecting a child, particularly if it’s your first. Not only is a kid a lot of work and a new challenge for most adults but there are also all sorts of tertiary issues. Often enough, it can change the dynamic within a relationship, as this story demonstrates. Even in solid couples, a kid can also lead to a new and undesirable dynamic with the extended family.
Even “small” things like the name can be cause for drama, debate, and arguments, so the question of life versus death is no doubt stressful enough. After all, if the father and husband is stressed, the wife and mother has to be even more concerned. Remember, she is the one who actually has to go through with childbirth.
Image credits: William Fortunato / Pexels (not the actual photo)
There is no need to assume the worst
All in all, the husband should perhaps think a little more about his words. His statement did sort of come out of nowhere, so he shouldn’t be that surprised that his wife was immediately concerned. After all, why is he suddenly thinking about death and who he would choose? It’s natural that an expecting father would be nervous, but there is no reason to make his wife’s anxiety worse.
To not assume the worst, it’s best to hope that this is just a poorly chosen turn of phrase. OP has many good things to say about their relationship, so there is no need to immediately assume the absolute worst. That being said, this can serve as a good example about the importance of picking your words wisely, something the husband will have to do a lot more as a father.
Readers supported OP’s concern
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
It's the difference between "I would sacrifice my life for this baby" and "I would sacrifice YOUR life for this baby". The first is heroic. The second is satanic.
Right? I think it would have landed different if he had said "id do the same in your shoes. We should be willing to sacrifice ourselves for our child." Making the statement less about him choosing HER fate. That stated, I do feel that her hormones might be escalating because I dont agree that he's saying she's "just an incubator" Prioritizing one over the other doesn't mean the other is dirt beneath one's shoes.
Load More Replies...
Doctors don't actually ask anyone to make a choice between mother's life and baby's life. They try to save both, but they will not let the person who is having the medical crisis die in order to focus on the unborn, not even if the husband asks them to.
It's scary how blasé he was about it, especially because it wasn't even part of the conversation they were having. I'm not surprised OP is feeling all sorts of ways about it; hubby seems to have given this a lot of thought and reduced his wife to an incubator.
Not to mention the shïtty amount of Redditors who obviously chided her for feeling that way. Wanting her to believe that her thoughts were just hypothetical, never going to happen in real life... 🙄 Well no kidding! Mothers still are dying while giving birth! So considering such a scenario is more than valid! And wanting your husband to have you staying alive is more than a very real and legit request! To add something to this when it comes to the animal kingdom: I once have learned (though this was 2 decades ago) that cheetahs would always chose the survival of the mother. Even as devastating as the loss of a newborn would be... the mother is the one who could have another baby. Tending instead to the newborn while letting the mother die would jeopardize the whole survival of the clan...
Load More Replies...
As per many of my previous comments, I can speak to what it’s like on the other side of this. My husband & I are dad’s to a beautiful 10-year-old boy because my best friend sacrificed life-extending treatment to assure he was born. She found out she’s was pregnant two weeks after her husband passed away in an accident. Then found out she was terminally ill at week 15 of pregnancy. We planned to be uncles & also took foster/adoption classes because if the inevitable. Had she terminated & began treatment, at best she’d gain was 12 mos. Likely closer to 6. Maybe residual Catholic guilt, maybe to keep her hubby “alive” she opted to continue pregnancy. I pleaded with her to change her mind. I/we were ready to support her to the end. Baby came early & she never came home. I awake every day to her picture by my bed & every day to the 4 of ours beautiful boy. I’d give anything to have her back. I miss her so much every day. Anything but change the outcome. She gifted us pure joy & beauty.
And because I don’t read replies to my comments: she lost her parents & only sister in a rather media-documented airline disaster. He husband aged out of foster care & into Air Force career. She (then they) became integrated into my immediate & extended family. She was my siblings sister and my mother’s daughter, as far as anyone was concerned. The social worker she was assigned worked with me & hubby on taking our foster/adoption classes & helped us get a great attorney to navigate family court & the entire process. Because of the type of adoption, we do not get any financial assistance from the state. Us three are whiter than a saltine cracker, her hubby as Kenyan as a Kenyan could be. So, there’s been a learning curve for us. Like, his first haircut, for example.
Load More Replies...
A mother is a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, neighbor, employee/employer, volunteer...when a woman does, a community suffers. It's terribly, terribly sad when a baby dies but that baby doesn't not have a full life and vibrant web of relationships. My husband said he'd choose me over our baby for this very reason, it's a no-brainer in our opinion.
Red flags, red flags abound! The child's life, in these scenarios, is not more important than your wife. The child in question wouldn't exist without her. What a f*****g psycho. Girl get yourself a hotel room.
Honestly? I don‘t like the thought of sacrifycing a parent for a child that‘s not even born yet. Yes, I would do everything for my children (4 and 8), but if I got pregnant again, I would much rather live, then die for that baby. I want to see the two who are already here grow up… and it might sound arrogant, but I am their primary caregiver. I shudder to think what they would have to go through, if I was gone. Call me selfish, if you want. I don’t think I am.
"My husband would punt our baby into oncoming traffic if it would save my life", I'm sorry but this had me giggling
I had this convo with my husband when I was pregnant because I actually did think about it. I was high risk and I’m also a bit of a hypochondriac so I was very afraid I’d die giving birth all the way up to the moment of delivery. I had preeclampsia and had to be induced. I even remember asking my doctor if I was going to die, she was shocked at my question and let out a laugh. My husband said he’d pick me because he only gets one me and we could always try for another baby. Right answer. Luckily my delivery went well and we now have a healthy beautiful 2 year old little girl.
Nah I would never choose some fetus over my partner or my own life.
Hmm, I wonder if he would agree to give his life in 'sacrifice' for the child...I'd certainly be asking that question of him.
Not for child birth, but while our daughter was growing up, we both agreed that if our daughter and partner were ever in danger we would save our daughter first and then focus on the partner. It's not the same as child birth because I would have picked my wife without hesitation if only one could be saved.
I think she needs to find a therapist so she can get the validation she needs without dumbasses rewriting the whole narrative. It would also help her find the words to express herself. I do feel there is a *small* element of hormones making it a bit bigger than it is; as i dont feel like he was in any way saying that ALL she is is an incubator. Though i can understand why she would think that especially due to tone. He ALSO should see a therapist because he needs to be able to express himself better than he has here.
I'd be so upset if mine said he'd save the baby who he's never met or bonded with over me. I'd also want to be saved over the baby. I have a life, responsibilities and relationships
But weird if you've never met the baby, it's still just an idea of a person. The second I held mine I knew I'd absolutely pick them over my husband. For my husband it took a few months, but I know he would sacrifice me for the safety of our kids and that's exactly how I want it to be. I wonder if the guy was bullshitting to try and seem like the best dad ever to his wife, but wildly missing the target
As a mom of 5 & as someone who literally always told my (now ex-husband), that if it ever came down to it, to "save the baby over me" through all 5 pregnancies... I think as women who are pregnant there is a certain religious & societal pressure to make women feel like they should be the one to die over their child in such a situation. Looking back on all 5 pregnancies I love all 5 of my children but in truth as much as it would absolutely wreck me mentally, emotionally & possibly physically to have lost any of them at any point during pregnancy or birth I still didn't want to die & still very subtly resented the fact that we live in a society where women are expected to feel like this & that it's selfish or some kind of failure of "motherhood" if we don't. That fathers are OKAY with the outcome if the mother dies so that the child can live. They're not the ones potentially dying. They're not the ones people'll look unkindly upon & even blame if the child doesn't make it but mom does.
Wow - as the parent of multiple children I can’t comprehend this response. Seriously, it’s a red flag. The question never came up for us but - just - wow. I could have easily lived with just my spouse but can’t comprehend the rush to sacrifice the mother to raise a kid alone - clearly he’s no where near ready to be a father.
I asked my husband to save our children if something happened with any of their births. I don't know if he would have or not, because I've never asked him. That said, I love my husband more than my children. He's my person, my go to, my best friend, my cheerleader, and he's the one who helped create the 4 beautiful boys that we have! My husband knows this and my children know this. We reap the reward of a healthy relationship because we always put the other first. Our children also reap the reward because they live in a stable home with 2 parents so very much in love(going on 24 years married). Of course, together we put our children's wants and needs above ours. We do all of the things that normal parents do and love every second of it. We sacrifice time and money for them, but everything is a mutual decision, but when it comes down to it, our relationship takes priority.
This f****d up romanticisation of mothers "sacrificing" their lives when dying in childbirth. Seeing us only as breeding mares, and turning our suffering into some plot in a s****y soap opera. Let's start with: if the woman dies, the father gets killed as well, and see how quickly they'd change their mind. Behind that is the thought of "I have my biological mini-me, and as the romantic widower I will always find a replacement for sex and mothering this child". Meanwhile, real, loving widowers know that it's not romantic at all.
Cuckoo Cuckoo! Jesus! "I want my husband to put our baby first, but I don't want him to tell me that he will put our baby first. Blah blah, whine, cry, blah." FFS, you are delusional.
My husband and I had this stupid discussion while i was pregnant. 100% save the baby on both sides. Yes, we love each other dearly and are bonded for life, but that boy means far more than either of us. Of course I always want to be his highest priority but not over our kid.
A fetus and even an infant is not a full human being, and choosing the full human being over the potential human being makes sense. However, after that? This entire idea that a couple are "bonded for life" or have "committed to each other for life" is a steaming load of bullcrap. The divorce rate is high enough to show that is a lie. On the other hand, when you have a child you ARE committing to being their parent for their entire life or the rest of your life. You have taken a responsibility for keeping them alive and safe. My wife and I have both agreed that, when if we can save one person, it will be our kid.
And when you get pregnant your partner can pull the plug on you.
Load More Replies...
It's the difference between "I would sacrifice my life for this baby" and "I would sacrifice YOUR life for this baby". The first is heroic. The second is satanic.
Right? I think it would have landed different if he had said "id do the same in your shoes. We should be willing to sacrifice ourselves for our child." Making the statement less about him choosing HER fate. That stated, I do feel that her hormones might be escalating because I dont agree that he's saying she's "just an incubator" Prioritizing one over the other doesn't mean the other is dirt beneath one's shoes.
Load More Replies... Doctors don't actually ask anyone to make a choice between mother's life and baby's life. They try to save both, but they will not let the person who is having the medical crisis die in order to focus on the unborn, not even if the husband asks them to.
It's scary how blasé he was about it, especially because it wasn't even part of the conversation they were having. I'm not surprised OP is feeling all sorts of ways about it; hubby seems to have given this a lot of thought and reduced his wife to an incubator.
Not to mention the shïtty amount of Redditors who obviously chided her for feeling that way. Wanting her to believe that her thoughts were just hypothetical, never going to happen in real life... 🙄 Well no kidding! Mothers still are dying while giving birth! So considering such a scenario is more than valid! And wanting your husband to have you staying alive is more than a very real and legit request! To add something to this when it comes to the animal kingdom: I once have learned (though this was 2 decades ago) that cheetahs would always chose the survival of the mother. Even as devastating as the loss of a newborn would be... the mother is the one who could have another baby. Tending instead to the newborn while letting the mother die would jeopardize the whole survival of the clan...
Load More Replies... As per many of my previous comments, I can speak to what it’s like on the other side of this. My husband & I are dad’s to a beautiful 10-year-old boy because my best friend sacrificed life-extending treatment to assure he was born. She found out she’s was pregnant two weeks after her husband passed away in an accident. Then found out she was terminally ill at week 15 of pregnancy. We planned to be uncles & also took foster/adoption classes because if the inevitable. Had she terminated & began treatment, at best she’d gain was 12 mos. Likely closer to 6. Maybe residual Catholic guilt, maybe to keep her hubby “alive” she opted to continue pregnancy. I pleaded with her to change her mind. I/we were ready to support her to the end. Baby came early & she never came home. I awake every day to her picture by my bed & every day to the 4 of ours beautiful boy. I’d give anything to have her back. I miss her so much every day. Anything but change the outcome. She gifted us pure joy & beauty.
And because I don’t read replies to my comments: she lost her parents & only sister in a rather media-documented airline disaster. He husband aged out of foster care & into Air Force career. She (then they) became integrated into my immediate & extended family. She was my siblings sister and my mother’s daughter, as far as anyone was concerned. The social worker she was assigned worked with me & hubby on taking our foster/adoption classes & helped us get a great attorney to navigate family court & the entire process. Because of the type of adoption, we do not get any financial assistance from the state. Us three are whiter than a saltine cracker, her hubby as Kenyan as a Kenyan could be. So, there’s been a learning curve for us. Like, his first haircut, for example.
Load More Replies... A mother is a daughter, sister, niece, aunt, cousin, friend, neighbor, employee/employer, volunteer...when a woman does, a community suffers. It's terribly, terribly sad when a baby dies but that baby doesn't not have a full life and vibrant web of relationships. My husband said he'd choose me over our baby for this very reason, it's a no-brainer in our opinion.
Red flags, red flags abound! The child's life, in these scenarios, is not more important than your wife. The child in question wouldn't exist without her. What a f*****g psycho. Girl get yourself a hotel room.
Honestly? I don‘t like the thought of sacrifycing a parent for a child that‘s not even born yet. Yes, I would do everything for my children (4 and 8), but if I got pregnant again, I would much rather live, then die for that baby. I want to see the two who are already here grow up… and it might sound arrogant, but I am their primary caregiver. I shudder to think what they would have to go through, if I was gone. Call me selfish, if you want. I don’t think I am.
"My husband would punt our baby into oncoming traffic if it would save my life", I'm sorry but this had me giggling
I had this convo with my husband when I was pregnant because I actually did think about it. I was high risk and I’m also a bit of a hypochondriac so I was very afraid I’d die giving birth all the way up to the moment of delivery. I had preeclampsia and had to be induced. I even remember asking my doctor if I was going to die, she was shocked at my question and let out a laugh. My husband said he’d pick me because he only gets one me and we could always try for another baby. Right answer. Luckily my delivery went well and we now have a healthy beautiful 2 year old little girl.
Nah I would never choose some fetus over my partner or my own life.
Hmm, I wonder if he would agree to give his life in 'sacrifice' for the child...I'd certainly be asking that question of him.
Not for child birth, but while our daughter was growing up, we both agreed that if our daughter and partner were ever in danger we would save our daughter first and then focus on the partner. It's not the same as child birth because I would have picked my wife without hesitation if only one could be saved.
I think she needs to find a therapist so she can get the validation she needs without dumbasses rewriting the whole narrative. It would also help her find the words to express herself. I do feel there is a *small* element of hormones making it a bit bigger than it is; as i dont feel like he was in any way saying that ALL she is is an incubator. Though i can understand why she would think that especially due to tone. He ALSO should see a therapist because he needs to be able to express himself better than he has here.
I'd be so upset if mine said he'd save the baby who he's never met or bonded with over me. I'd also want to be saved over the baby. I have a life, responsibilities and relationships
But weird if you've never met the baby, it's still just an idea of a person. The second I held mine I knew I'd absolutely pick them over my husband. For my husband it took a few months, but I know he would sacrifice me for the safety of our kids and that's exactly how I want it to be. I wonder if the guy was bullshitting to try and seem like the best dad ever to his wife, but wildly missing the target
As a mom of 5 & as someone who literally always told my (now ex-husband), that if it ever came down to it, to "save the baby over me" through all 5 pregnancies... I think as women who are pregnant there is a certain religious & societal pressure to make women feel like they should be the one to die over their child in such a situation. Looking back on all 5 pregnancies I love all 5 of my children but in truth as much as it would absolutely wreck me mentally, emotionally & possibly physically to have lost any of them at any point during pregnancy or birth I still didn't want to die & still very subtly resented the fact that we live in a society where women are expected to feel like this & that it's selfish or some kind of failure of "motherhood" if we don't. That fathers are OKAY with the outcome if the mother dies so that the child can live. They're not the ones potentially dying. They're not the ones people'll look unkindly upon & even blame if the child doesn't make it but mom does.
Wow - as the parent of multiple children I can’t comprehend this response. Seriously, it’s a red flag. The question never came up for us but - just - wow. I could have easily lived with just my spouse but can’t comprehend the rush to sacrifice the mother to raise a kid alone - clearly he’s no where near ready to be a father.
I asked my husband to save our children if something happened with any of their births. I don't know if he would have or not, because I've never asked him. That said, I love my husband more than my children. He's my person, my go to, my best friend, my cheerleader, and he's the one who helped create the 4 beautiful boys that we have! My husband knows this and my children know this. We reap the reward of a healthy relationship because we always put the other first. Our children also reap the reward because they live in a stable home with 2 parents so very much in love(going on 24 years married). Of course, together we put our children's wants and needs above ours. We do all of the things that normal parents do and love every second of it. We sacrifice time and money for them, but everything is a mutual decision, but when it comes down to it, our relationship takes priority.
This f****d up romanticisation of mothers "sacrificing" their lives when dying in childbirth. Seeing us only as breeding mares, and turning our suffering into some plot in a s****y soap opera. Let's start with: if the woman dies, the father gets killed as well, and see how quickly they'd change their mind. Behind that is the thought of "I have my biological mini-me, and as the romantic widower I will always find a replacement for sex and mothering this child". Meanwhile, real, loving widowers know that it's not romantic at all.
Cuckoo Cuckoo! Jesus! "I want my husband to put our baby first, but I don't want him to tell me that he will put our baby first. Blah blah, whine, cry, blah." FFS, you are delusional.
My husband and I had this stupid discussion while i was pregnant. 100% save the baby on both sides. Yes, we love each other dearly and are bonded for life, but that boy means far more than either of us. Of course I always want to be his highest priority but not over our kid.
A fetus and even an infant is not a full human being, and choosing the full human being over the potential human being makes sense. However, after that? This entire idea that a couple are "bonded for life" or have "committed to each other for life" is a steaming load of bullcrap. The divorce rate is high enough to show that is a lie. On the other hand, when you have a child you ARE committing to being their parent for their entire life or the rest of your life. You have taken a responsibility for keeping them alive and safe. My wife and I have both agreed that, when if we can save one person, it will be our kid.
And when you get pregnant your partner can pull the plug on you.
Load More Replies... 
20
39