“Didn’t Invite Me Because My Husband And I ‘Are Never Available'”: Brother Doesn’t Involve Sis In Wedding Plans Even Though She’s Paying For It
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If you’ve ever planned a wedding, you’ll know the struggle of having to decide who gets invited, who gets to be a groomsman or a bridesmaid, who is just there for the ceremony and whatnot.
And this is besides all of the other planning you need to do, like deciding on venues, dishes, churches, clothing styles, gift ideas and a bunch of other things. Oh, and don’t forget that this has to be a team effort as there are two people involved in the decision making. See how complicated it got real quick?
Well, one Redditor shared how she played a huge role in making her brother’s wedding a reality but was not really involved in it at the same time, which was upsetting.
More Info: Reddit
Planning a wedding is always a challenge, and a certain kind of family drama is never helpful
Image credits: Chris Martin (not the actual photo)
Reddit user u/Downtown-Bowler-8987, with whom Bored Panda got in touch, recently shared a story with the r/AmITheA-Hole community, asking if she is wrong to feel upset for not being involved in her brother’s wedding, despite being the one who’s paying for it.
“I turned to AITA because I’m a longtime reader and I’ve agreed with AITA posts in the past that say gifts should be given without strings attached. I didn’t know if I was attaching strings or if it was reasonable,” OP explained why she ended up sharing her story with Reddit in the first place.
A woman turned to the Am I The A-Hole community for some perspective, trying to understand if she’s wrong to feel upset about not being asked to be more involved in her bro’s wedding, despite paying for it
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
The situation is a bit more complicated than that, though, but in a nutshell, OP is former military and now a well-off pilot earning roughly £150,000 a year (US$205,800) who was raised, together with her younger brother, to share and help each other out. The brother earns significantly less, £35,000 or US$48,000, and since they have no parents, OP felt like she ought to help out. She has helped out on numerous occasions before, and doesn’t mind doing it again.
However, this time around, her brother asked for financial help, and she pledged £25,000 (or nearly US$35,000) but she felt weird for not being involved in any of the decision making. Heck, she wasn’t even a bridesmaid, nor a maid of honor, but simply a guest, while the sister-in-law’s family were super involved in everything.
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
At this point, she felt like an ATM. When she first confronted her brother about it, he said that she’s not their parents, she can’t replace them, and hence she’s not involved, when she just wanted to do something nice without making the brother feel bad.
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
Originally, the post ended there, but people kept inquiring, which prompted several updates. The first one clarified that this was all in the UK, the salaries are good given this context, she explained her professional background, and how much she has helped them out already.
OP also highlighted that it’s not a one-sided relationship, the brother has been there for her on an emotional level, they are close.
Originally, the post was relatively short, but quickly got several huge updates as people started asking questions
Image credits: Sarah Nichols (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
In the second update, she explained how she spoke to her brother and sister-in-law. Long story short, the conversation with the SIL went nowhere as whatever OP said, the SIL had something to say back, making her feel not needed in the planning.
It all escalated when OP got a call from the SIL’s mother, asking her to chip in on the honeymoon. She lost it, said she’s paying for the entire wedding as it is despite not being involved in any of it, which, turns out, the mother had no idea about. And after a phone call with the brother, she was reassured that her efforts are appreciated, but neither SIL nor her family really gets just how much OP was helping.
And, needless to say, it’s been quite challenging for her, as explained Downtown: “It’s challenging even when I’m not the a-hole, because it’s like a blind spot has been revealed, it also spilled into real life (I wanted to be specific, so the more details there were, the more questions I answered, the more it was obvious). It’s been a positive experience in the whole though.”
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
In the end, the two decided that OP would just attend as a guest, but she’ll be taking a step back with all of the financial things. She’ll still do some things, like supporting the brother’s IVF, but not more. This doesn’t mean they’ll stop seeing each other as much, they’re still siblings that love each other, but this move should be for the best for everyone.
People online unanimously determined that OP is in no way the bad guy here. OP was supportive all the way, no doubt about it, with many suggesting that she ought to step back, as it’s a “gravy train” that ought to end sometime as her brother is now an adult on multiple levels.
Some also pointed out that this can very easily escalate, like when the brother and SIL have kids, will OP be expected to fund the nursery, yet not be able to see the kid while everyone else does, and the like?
The post got nearly 17,000 upvotes with over 50 Reddit awards and 2,500 comments. You can check it out in full here.
Image credits: Downtown-Bowler-8987
“It has been helpful in getting some perspective, but I am a little sad because I think people are very harsh on my brother, SIL and her family,” elaborated Downtown. “I don’t like to ruffle feathers and as this got quite big, my brother found out and it’s not very nice to read 1,000 people saying you are an a-hole.”
Oh, and there was a tiny development since the post went online, and that is that SIL’s mother sent OP a huge bouquet of flowers and a box of macaroons (which are incidentally her favorite) as she is now aware that they are paying and wanted to thank them in a small way.
Lastly, we’ve asked OP to reflect upon this experience and to give some advice to those who might also be in a similar situation:
“Take people’s comments on board, but also with a grain of salt. The sub is about a-holes, so people call what they see, but I also think like with advice giving in general and our own relationships, it’s always much harder to read unpleasant things about people you care about.”
She continued: “How many people who say ‘go NC’ would ever really go NC on their only living relative? Always much easier said than done. It’s been a positive experience, I’ve had a lot to think about, and however imperfectly things have been mostly resolved.”
Man I feel bad for this woman, I can only guess that he's so use to her doing stuff for him that he no longer appreciates it.
She's made the (very understandable, given the circumstances) mistake of trying to take her parents' place and treating him with kid gloves by spoiling him. So he treats her exactly as a spoiled child treats their parent. The brother understanding her need to take a step back shows that he does value her, though. They both seem like they've made some missteps but love each other. I believe their family will get through this.
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By the end of the saga... there is no asshole. All parties have realized what's going on and how it's affected everyone, and sensible changes have been agreed to. The OP was incredibly kind to do as much for her brother as she did, and sensible to realize that she did have to step back, for both his good and hers. So for the future, the only reason I feel bad, is it's pretty clear that the wife's family is going to become "his family" as well. She's not going to see much of him from now on.
Yeah. Maybe, I'm being cynical here, but I bet the SIL told the parents not to invite OP and her husband to the engagement party (or at the very least "knew" that they weren't invited). I also wonder if the MIL really did not know that OP was funding it and not the brother - unless SIL was too ashamed to let on, as she knew that her parents would (may) insist that OP is included further in the decisions.
Load More Replies... RE the bride and traditions. If you want to follow a tradition, say like the bride and her family planning it all, you need to follow it all. And pay for it. Early on hubby said (mostly)jokingly that I needed to do the housework since I'm the woman. I said I'd be happy to, just as soon as I gave notice and quit my job. Since if we were going to follow that tradition, we'd do it right. I make 3X what he does, so yes I am still working. We split chores and have been married 28 years and counting.
The biggest thing that stands out to me is the SIL's refusal to allow OP to give a speech at the reception when OP is the only family the groom has. I think if that's where her head is at, she's causing problems and will continue to.
Yes, I did not understand why OP could not welcome SIL to the family, just because the brother is welcomed into SIL's family... I thought it was usual that one/both of each pair of parents gives a speech at the wedding, and that another member gives a speech when both parents are dead...
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I used to read all these Reddit posts about immediate family members being left out of intimate family events and thinking they were either embellished or out right lies until last month....I was at my friends wedding and watched as his bride left his oldest sister out bc she didn't like how tall she was....All I could do was audibly laugh and say no over and over. This s**t actually happens!!! I hung out with the sister the whole night and we had a blast, I saw my buddy after his honeymoon and all I said was you are a piece of s**t for doing that. We haven't really talked and honestly, that's ok. These people man.
People bring baggage and assumptions into situations and don't always communicate them well or at all. Sometimes it's not deliberate - they're just not aware. It sounds as if the siblings are trying to sort things out, including the sister's wise decision to see a counselor. Being honest with herself is a good start.
So she can't assist in decisions because that's usually what the parents do and she can't replace the parents!?! If we're being so traditional then by that logic make the brides parents pay for her dream wedding that they can't afford. Her brother should have stepped in and told his fiancé that if it wasn't for his sister the only decision she would've had is what courthouse they want to get married at.
Crappy situation all round. Lack of communication from everyone, but my biggest issue is the brother's fiancee, she seems determined to keep the sister away from anything to do with the brother, but she's completely happy letting the sister pay for everything. I'd just cut them off financially, including the sister who wants to study in the US. NO NEED for that extra cost other than wanting to study in America, Irish universities are wonderful establishments, why does she get special treatment? Feels like everyone was using the OP as a cash cow here.
There is nothing wrong with being generous with your family. She doesn't want to hoard her wealth like Scrooge McDuck because she cares about the people close to her. I think that shows what a wonderful person she is. And she talked to her brother, and he understood her need to take a step back from paying for everything, so clearly he does see her as more than just a cash cow. We all take our friends and families for granted from time to time and need a reminder of how important they are to us aside from what they do for us. I don't think her brother is a bad person for also needing that reminder (or that the husband's sister potentially is either).
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No offence but your brother and his future wife,,, and her family,,, are a bunch of leeches. He says he thought her family know you were paying for the wedding ,,, well then. WHY did they expect you to help with the honeymoon. SIL said she'd been planning this for years ,,, well why had she not been saving up for years. Scroungers and it won't stop unless you stop it. Sorry.
These stories wouldn’t be so upsetting if they weren’t always about recreating the same boring wedding everyone’s been to countless times.
So true - my OH officiates at weddings and some summers was at a wedding every weekend. Everyone thinks their wedding is unique and special, very few are. There was the summer everyone used stones with names painted on for seating cards. There was the summer everyone had a donut bar. There was the summer everyone had floating candles in a goldfish bowl. There was the summer everyone had a sweets bar. There was the summer where every decoration had to be tied with raffia. The only two truly original things I've seen were the couple who sent out invites printed on roundels of sawn up fence post, and the couple who had loooooads of bridesmaids and let them all wear their own nice dress.
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So she basically says I'm not paying any more and you need to make an effort in the relationship....except I already paid your house, multiple degrees, oh and I'll still pay for the dream wedding without involvement, and the future IVF, and keep in contact with you and coming around, and letting you take advantage...so really, nothing is changing at all.
The OP was OUT because it’s a big secret that the groom’s big sister is paying for the wedding. It had nothing to do with the bride’s aesthetic. They didn’t want her family knowing that he hadn’t ‘inherited’ or similar. OP should stop being an ATM (as she put it). No more money. Now let’s see if he still loves her as much now that her purse has closed. She owes him nothing (unless she stole money from the parents estate).
Save your money, you earned it. Once he is married, let him fend for himself and his wife. If he is old enough to marry and have a child, he can learn to lay for his own life. You, need to back away and learn to be your own supporter. It sounds like they are using you for a bank.
As one older sister to another, I feel for this lady (OP). I, too, professionally and financially are more "successful" than my younger brother as he is also 11 years younger than me. From buying him a new car, insurance, and other legal fees related to his finances are solely taken care by me. However, I know he will do the same for me and he has been there many times when I needed him the most. If the situation occurred to me and my family, I would snap at SIL as it sounded her and her family are only interested in OP's money rather than actually strengthening the relationship as their families will merge to become one big family. I wish OP's bother is more mature and able to stand up for his sister more. In my opinion, SIL and her family are unsuccessful and leaches.
How exactly is she "stepping back"? She's still going to pay for the dream wedding, still going to pay for IVF, still going to be around and wipe his butt for him....there were no consequences. The bride is one of those who prefers marrying an orphan, and barring a literal orphan, will make a social orphan, because that means he'll be absorbed into her family and she won't have to deal with in-laws. Pesky SIL is the only one in the way of that dream, and she is trying her hardest to get rid of her.
She needs to stop paying for anything. SIL seems the type of woman who purposely seeks out an (emotional or literal) orphan so her family takes 100% precedent and she never has to deal with in laws herself. This is an actual thing, I am not making it up. If the guy isn't an orphan, such wives cause drama and bad feelings with the in-laws until an estrangement happens. SIL sucks and deserves zero money. After 6 rounds of IVF, that's not happening, so sis should stop paying that, too. Sis should see her brother separately from his wife, and stop all financial contributions.
The SIL is the AH here. It sounds like she's learned that she can use her fiance to get money from his sister so she can do what she wants without getting her hands dirty or even having to ask for the money herself!!
what a beautiful lady. unfortunately, when it comes to money - people tend to become greedy no matter the love. I am really happy that this wasn't such a situation - at least from her part. You are a great person, hopefully everybody are aware now
Instead of IVF, to get a woman with "a physical disability" pregnant, why not IVF to implant into a surrogate? After 3 rounds, perhaps she can't carry? And perhaps they should foster, which can lead to adoption.
I think therapy will be helpful in this situation. Seems like your projecting other things onto this wedding and “not being allowed to help plan” then the actual issue of not being able to have impute, but it also seems your self aware that this isn’t the actual problem and it goes deeper which mean you will get through this with your brother. I can’t say there are any assholes in this situation.
I understand the drama and what she's done for him so far. But how about instead of IVF with the SIL, you look into finding a surrogate that can carry the baby? Less strain on a SIL with medical issues and more chance of success....
I don't talk to my sister, I have absolutely nothing in common with her, it's painful to try and hold a conversation with her. Her eldest daughter caused a massive family fight that I got the blame for because I tried to smooth it over which was when I gave up. I do talk to her about my mother, that's the one thing we keep in contact about. I don't love her any less it's just easier not to try and stay friendly with her, acquaintances works much better for me.
Wake up it's all been a bad dream. AND if you don't wake up YDTA! If you're not good enough neither is your money (say it mean it and don't go) 1 it's not like they can't downsize it as they already have 2 you're just a cash machine to them 3 he's all the man he'll ever be
Man I feel bad for this woman, I can only guess that he's so use to her doing stuff for him that he no longer appreciates it.
She's made the (very understandable, given the circumstances) mistake of trying to take her parents' place and treating him with kid gloves by spoiling him. So he treats her exactly as a spoiled child treats their parent. The brother understanding her need to take a step back shows that he does value her, though. They both seem like they've made some missteps but love each other. I believe their family will get through this.
Load More Replies... By the end of the saga... there is no asshole. All parties have realized what's going on and how it's affected everyone, and sensible changes have been agreed to. The OP was incredibly kind to do as much for her brother as she did, and sensible to realize that she did have to step back, for both his good and hers. So for the future, the only reason I feel bad, is it's pretty clear that the wife's family is going to become "his family" as well. She's not going to see much of him from now on.
Yeah. Maybe, I'm being cynical here, but I bet the SIL told the parents not to invite OP and her husband to the engagement party (or at the very least "knew" that they weren't invited). I also wonder if the MIL really did not know that OP was funding it and not the brother - unless SIL was too ashamed to let on, as she knew that her parents would (may) insist that OP is included further in the decisions.
Load More Replies... RE the bride and traditions. If you want to follow a tradition, say like the bride and her family planning it all, you need to follow it all. And pay for it. Early on hubby said (mostly)jokingly that I needed to do the housework since I'm the woman. I said I'd be happy to, just as soon as I gave notice and quit my job. Since if we were going to follow that tradition, we'd do it right. I make 3X what he does, so yes I am still working. We split chores and have been married 28 years and counting.
The biggest thing that stands out to me is the SIL's refusal to allow OP to give a speech at the reception when OP is the only family the groom has. I think if that's where her head is at, she's causing problems and will continue to.
Yes, I did not understand why OP could not welcome SIL to the family, just because the brother is welcomed into SIL's family... I thought it was usual that one/both of each pair of parents gives a speech at the wedding, and that another member gives a speech when both parents are dead...
Load More Replies... I used to read all these Reddit posts about immediate family members being left out of intimate family events and thinking they were either embellished or out right lies until last month....I was at my friends wedding and watched as his bride left his oldest sister out bc she didn't like how tall she was....All I could do was audibly laugh and say no over and over. This s**t actually happens!!! I hung out with the sister the whole night and we had a blast, I saw my buddy after his honeymoon and all I said was you are a piece of s**t for doing that. We haven't really talked and honestly, that's ok. These people man.
People bring baggage and assumptions into situations and don't always communicate them well or at all. Sometimes it's not deliberate - they're just not aware. It sounds as if the siblings are trying to sort things out, including the sister's wise decision to see a counselor. Being honest with herself is a good start.
So she can't assist in decisions because that's usually what the parents do and she can't replace the parents!?! If we're being so traditional then by that logic make the brides parents pay for her dream wedding that they can't afford. Her brother should have stepped in and told his fiancé that if it wasn't for his sister the only decision she would've had is what courthouse they want to get married at.
Crappy situation all round. Lack of communication from everyone, but my biggest issue is the brother's fiancee, she seems determined to keep the sister away from anything to do with the brother, but she's completely happy letting the sister pay for everything. I'd just cut them off financially, including the sister who wants to study in the US. NO NEED for that extra cost other than wanting to study in America, Irish universities are wonderful establishments, why does she get special treatment? Feels like everyone was using the OP as a cash cow here.
There is nothing wrong with being generous with your family. She doesn't want to hoard her wealth like Scrooge McDuck because she cares about the people close to her. I think that shows what a wonderful person she is. And she talked to her brother, and he understood her need to take a step back from paying for everything, so clearly he does see her as more than just a cash cow. We all take our friends and families for granted from time to time and need a reminder of how important they are to us aside from what they do for us. I don't think her brother is a bad person for also needing that reminder (or that the husband's sister potentially is either).
Load More Replies... No offence but your brother and his future wife,,, and her family,,, are a bunch of leeches. He says he thought her family know you were paying for the wedding ,,, well then. WHY did they expect you to help with the honeymoon. SIL said she'd been planning this for years ,,, well why had she not been saving up for years. Scroungers and it won't stop unless you stop it. Sorry.
These stories wouldn’t be so upsetting if they weren’t always about recreating the same boring wedding everyone’s been to countless times.
So true - my OH officiates at weddings and some summers was at a wedding every weekend. Everyone thinks their wedding is unique and special, very few are. There was the summer everyone used stones with names painted on for seating cards. There was the summer everyone had a donut bar. There was the summer everyone had floating candles in a goldfish bowl. There was the summer everyone had a sweets bar. There was the summer where every decoration had to be tied with raffia. The only two truly original things I've seen were the couple who sent out invites printed on roundels of sawn up fence post, and the couple who had loooooads of bridesmaids and let them all wear their own nice dress.
Load More Replies... So she basically says I'm not paying any more and you need to make an effort in the relationship....except I already paid your house, multiple degrees, oh and I'll still pay for the dream wedding without involvement, and the future IVF, and keep in contact with you and coming around, and letting you take advantage...so really, nothing is changing at all.
The OP was OUT because it’s a big secret that the groom’s big sister is paying for the wedding. It had nothing to do with the bride’s aesthetic. They didn’t want her family knowing that he hadn’t ‘inherited’ or similar. OP should stop being an ATM (as she put it). No more money. Now let’s see if he still loves her as much now that her purse has closed. She owes him nothing (unless she stole money from the parents estate).
Save your money, you earned it. Once he is married, let him fend for himself and his wife. If he is old enough to marry and have a child, he can learn to lay for his own life. You, need to back away and learn to be your own supporter. It sounds like they are using you for a bank.
As one older sister to another, I feel for this lady (OP). I, too, professionally and financially are more "successful" than my younger brother as he is also 11 years younger than me. From buying him a new car, insurance, and other legal fees related to his finances are solely taken care by me. However, I know he will do the same for me and he has been there many times when I needed him the most. If the situation occurred to me and my family, I would snap at SIL as it sounded her and her family are only interested in OP's money rather than actually strengthening the relationship as their families will merge to become one big family. I wish OP's bother is more mature and able to stand up for his sister more. In my opinion, SIL and her family are unsuccessful and leaches.
How exactly is she "stepping back"? She's still going to pay for the dream wedding, still going to pay for IVF, still going to be around and wipe his butt for him....there were no consequences. The bride is one of those who prefers marrying an orphan, and barring a literal orphan, will make a social orphan, because that means he'll be absorbed into her family and she won't have to deal with in-laws. Pesky SIL is the only one in the way of that dream, and she is trying her hardest to get rid of her.
She needs to stop paying for anything. SIL seems the type of woman who purposely seeks out an (emotional or literal) orphan so her family takes 100% precedent and she never has to deal with in laws herself. This is an actual thing, I am not making it up. If the guy isn't an orphan, such wives cause drama and bad feelings with the in-laws until an estrangement happens. SIL sucks and deserves zero money. After 6 rounds of IVF, that's not happening, so sis should stop paying that, too. Sis should see her brother separately from his wife, and stop all financial contributions.
The SIL is the AH here. It sounds like she's learned that she can use her fiance to get money from his sister so she can do what she wants without getting her hands dirty or even having to ask for the money herself!!
what a beautiful lady. unfortunately, when it comes to money - people tend to become greedy no matter the love. I am really happy that this wasn't such a situation - at least from her part. You are a great person, hopefully everybody are aware now
Instead of IVF, to get a woman with "a physical disability" pregnant, why not IVF to implant into a surrogate? After 3 rounds, perhaps she can't carry? And perhaps they should foster, which can lead to adoption.
I think therapy will be helpful in this situation. Seems like your projecting other things onto this wedding and “not being allowed to help plan” then the actual issue of not being able to have impute, but it also seems your self aware that this isn’t the actual problem and it goes deeper which mean you will get through this with your brother. I can’t say there are any assholes in this situation.
I understand the drama and what she's done for him so far. But how about instead of IVF with the SIL, you look into finding a surrogate that can carry the baby? Less strain on a SIL with medical issues and more chance of success....
I don't talk to my sister, I have absolutely nothing in common with her, it's painful to try and hold a conversation with her. Her eldest daughter caused a massive family fight that I got the blame for because I tried to smooth it over which was when I gave up. I do talk to her about my mother, that's the one thing we keep in contact about. I don't love her any less it's just easier not to try and stay friendly with her, acquaintances works much better for me.
Wake up it's all been a bad dream. AND if you don't wake up YDTA! If you're not good enough neither is your money (say it mean it and don't go) 1 it's not like they can't downsize it as they already have 2 you're just a cash machine to them 3 he's all the man he'll ever be
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