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31 Things Parents Do That Obviously Show They’re Not Doing A Great Job, As Shared Online
Parents play a crucial role in their kid’s development, and while parents often deserve nothing but respect for all the love and selfless care they give to children, sometimes those who are supposed to be nurturing kids might in fact be hurting them.
As the basic needs for child development tend to be delineated as safety, structure, support, and love, there are plenty of intricacies and complex real-life situations where things may go the other way. Redditors referred to the latter answering one Redditor's question and listing red flags and areas that parents need to take seriously and work on primarily for the sake of their kid’s well-being, but also to grow as a person.
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Taking the Emotions of your child (first crushes, embarrassing moments that they talked with you about, are unsure about, worries they have, etc.) and using it at a family gathering to get a laugh out of everybody. Your child will be so embarrassed because of you and will not talk to you in the future
I‘m 30 and my mother still does this to me sometimes. The difference today is, i will talk back in front of the whole family and suddenly she is embarrassed
parents who believe that their children “owe” them for providing basic care (food, shelter, clothes, etc…)
Parents who can’t apologize to a child. It’s ok to have human emotions and moment to be triggered or struggling and lash out or be wrong but for the love of all things good APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE.
Your adult children don’t talk to you and you "don’t know" why.
When I was younger I saw a Mother and a little daughter on a train. The Mother was scrolling her Phone and the daughter was bored and started a song. It was very quiet singing and she had a good voice. No problem.
But the mom started to hush her daughter. To stop singing.
Then the daughter asked does her mother love her? Can she get a hug. Something?
Mother just told her to be quiet and kept scrolling.
It hurt me. I wish I could just have stood up and hug that little kid. Show her that she is not alone. That she is loved no matter what.
But 20 something dude hugging little girl in a train seemed to be wrong to me at that time. So I just cried a bit. Silently. And I think about that little girl and how her life is even years later.
I sometimes really hate some parents. Because they seem to be kids themselves. Without any clue about pretty much anything.
Pulling the "I guess I'm I'm the worst parent in the world" when approached by their child with a question. Actively making the child feel guilty for expressing their own opinions in an effort to make themselves feel better.
This! Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do when this happens!
Hearing them say "I'll give you something to cry about" to their crying kid.
Unless this happens when the child is obviously using crying and tears for the SOLE purpose of manipulation. There's nothing wrong with teaching your child that crying and tears are valid and important things; therefore, they shouldn't be misused or abused.
Threats aren't the answer even if their development leads them through a maniplulative stage. Absolutely adress it as an unlealthy method and guide them away from it, seek help if it persists beyond a certain amount of time. Appropriate reprucussions? Absolutely. Ominous threats? Never.
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My father would say that to me. I interpreted it to mean, "shut up or I'm going to smack you". I never really understood the wording, though. It always seemed to me that I had something to cry about, or I wouldn't be crying.
The I'll give you something to cry about thing is bad but your insight now made me think the parent pov of a kid who's not hurt, but just confused about something, is crying it's head off like the kid is really hurt but nothing is wrong so why are you crying so hard???
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My parents did this to me. 70 years later, it still makes me upset.
Last time my mom used this, she got a phone call and walked out of the room. I was doing my best to stop when she came back in because I didn't want to get hit with a belt. Instead, she sat down and told me my grandpa had died. There was no holding back the tears. And she never used that line again. I was 8 at the time.
My parents always said this to me as a kid, and every time I'd try and find a way to tell them that I thought that it was wrong, (I didn't actually know why at the time,) I couldn't. And if I did find a way, they'd say that I was being a brat or smart---- and threaten me still. I wish I could get away from them sometimes...
Oh my god I remember this so much! I have fantasies of going back in time, kidnapping all four of my parents and reading them the riot act.
Her favorite line, and then she would beat the c**p out of you and kept beating, and ripping hair out,and twisting extremities, all while screaming how useless and stupid you were. She did it in public, in the car at home, there was no safe haven
Im autistic + have severe anxiety. When I was younger, I would often get overwhelmed and anxious super easily and it would usually result in a full blown meltdown. Every time this would happen my father would be like "oh stfu, stop crying over stupid things or I'll give you something to cry about"... like damn, I was 6 years old...
I plan to remember that line if I have to pick someone's retirement home.
👎. My mom did this to me, and it’s followed me my whole life. I never did this to my kids. Abuse.
I heard this (and similar things) regularly: I am breaking the habit for my children I try to validate Thier emotions because bottling them up is not a healthy response.
...leaves for the kitchen and comes back with the same crappy dinner...
From my dad, after he beat our asses and made us cry in the first place...
This always made me cry harder, nor from fear or anything, but because I would get SO FRUSTRATED that my mom couldn't understand what was wrong.
And they usually do - although the crying may take place decades later.
I heard this one a bit. I also got the repercussions of it. I turned out as a well adjusted member of society that loves his mom immensely. She was usually the one saying it/giving me a reason to create. No lasting ill effects of it. Children are not as fragile as society wants them to be.
Doubtful considering you think that type of toxic abusive behavior is okay you don’t sound well adjusted at all
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Badmouthing their ex after a divorce to them and turning them against the other parent. Using kids as leverage in general.
I can honestly say neither my dad or mom did this when I was younger...when I hit 14 though, I had already figured out that dad was a POS for cheating on my mom. He never wanted anything to do with me after I turned 14 until he was on his deathbed in 2017 then he had his family try to get me to go see him so he could die with a clear conscience. Nope.
Refusing to believe their kid can do wrong
or the opposite. refusing to believe that their kid can do anything correct or have any accomplishments. both are bad
Zero interest in the kid. Doesn’t care what they do or what happens to them as long as they don’t inconvenience them.
Just as long as that kids can get them that sweet, sweet Child Tax Credit each and every tax season until they turn 18.
Someone who treats the child from their old marriage like s**t because they're no longer with that child's parent.
...especially when the genes show up all too clearly in/on their faces and they subconsciously argue with their ex-partners (it never worked anyway, hence the divorce) instead of having a sensible discussion with their children...
The kid is morbidly obese and the parent feeds them nothing but fast food and soft drinks and says "he won't eat anything else".
Having a partner who dislikes or mistreats their children.
A mother divorced the father because he constantly berated their children. She then married a lovely family friend. He said of his stepson, "He has problems with math. He gets the answers right, but the teachers want to see the process. I'm an engineer - we don't care how someone gets the answer as long as it's the right one." I was impressed and learned something from that: sometimes the second spouse is a much match for the kids because the parent got to see how they treat the kids.
Do not seek for psychological help when your children obviously need it because you personally don't believe in "all that stuff".
Somewhere down the line, those kids are going to pay dearly for their parents' refusal to get the help they need. If Fate is willing, the situation will be reversed.
Punishing kids with haircuts, less food, less attention, or taking their door. Especially for things like asking too many questions or "talking back" just because they didn't understand something and wanted a real reason or explanation on why they had to do/could not do something
I agree partly. As long as it's not directly related to that. The actions of the child should have natural and logical consequences though. The child repeatedly wastes food just so their siblings don't get it? Regulate how much food they take, forcing them to take smaller portions and eat them up before they can have more is the reasonable consequence. The child slams the door all night, using it to terrorise the whole household if they don't get their way? Take the door away and exchange it with a privacy curtain is legit. Actions have consequences. And if a child uses freedoms to terrorize everyone else, taking the thing away that's used to do the terrorising is legit. It should be given back if the child shows betterment though. Yes, and sometimes less attention, especially for throwing tantrums or other, regular misbehaviour can be a legitimate discipline tactic. I can't see any legit case of cutting hair for punishment thought.
Ironically, never thinking you're a bad parent.
Eh, I know I'm not a bad parent and I've never thought of myself as one. I am a very good parent who will make mistakes.
Not caring about their feelings . Like hello they are humans too .
Putting soda in a baby bottle
I also had to do it once. I had no choice. I went to a costume party as a »japanese manga fetus« and I simply didn't want to have to be pushed back and forth to the booze and beverage buffet in my hand-felted neon incubator......🤭
Toddlers running around in super, super full diapers- to the point where they are almost falling off the kid, while the parents obliviously drink beer....
There doesn't have to be beer to make this trashy. It can also be a matter of silent "I changed the LAST diaper" pettiness between the kid's parents/guardians. I've personally witnessed it and made a point of cbanging the nibblet diapers myself when I'm around. I do NOT take care of potty training/trained kids though. Your kid has poop in their crack, that's on YOU. Standing kids are way more complicated to help clean up, and I already got my own kid through that stage. All done!
My daughters teacher called one day to tell us our daughter was bullying another student so relentlessly that he was afraid to come to school. We talked to our daughter and she had no idea what we were talking about. Whenever we asked the teacher for the students name she actually gave it to us, Turns out I know his mother from high school. So I called her and talked with her and at first she had no idea what I was talking about. Then she suddenly remembered everything and told me this long story about how her son is afraid of my daughter blah blah blah.
I talked with one of this lady’s friends a few days later and she told me that this lady confessed to her that she just doesn’t get enough sleep, always misses her alarms in the morning, and just doesn’t get up to take her kids to school. Her first instinct when the school called her to talk about absences was to blame my daughter for bullying her kid.
This happens more than people realize. Thanks to this sucky parenting, teachers and staff have YET ANOTHER thing thrown on their plate: lookout for signs and talk of bullying. A threat of being fired and/or jail time if even the slightest talk of bullying isn't reported and, God forbid, it eventually leads to something horrible. (If you don't believe me, check out the bullying policy in Davidson, Sumner, and Robertson County in Tennessee.)
Passing out drunk on the neighbor’s lawn while the kids are trying to trick-or treat (coworker did this)
Complains every day at work that they can’t afford to take care of their kid properly. Blaming her own parents that they don’t help out enough.
Also complains about being hung over every day and brags about buying a PlayStation and a puppy.
Saw a little girl of about 4 or 5 walking into a pizzeria with her parents that were arguing. Her hair was so matted it was starting to dread in the back. I had my teen daughter with me. We both just wanted to take the little girl home with us.
Edit to add: the parents had an aura of being active [illegal substances] users. This wasn’t accidental matting. I felt terrible but I guess the good side is that they were together. I hope the parents get the help they need.
Kid’s diet is soda and fruit snacks
The thing I HATE is water and fruit are cheaper and easier to give to the kid than soda and fruit snacks. The whole excuse of money and/or convenience isn't really valid.
Dumping the whole container of candy into their kids' Halloween bag.
I always dumped candy into my kid's bag.. at my house, before we left. Like priming the pump, gotta get them started.. 😆 But I think this post meant at other people's houses? I don't know..
Threatening to get rid of/destroy the family pet constantly as punishment. 😬😡
I got that a lot too! :O My mom went through on it a couple of times, too. She is still a horrible person to this day, and wonders why I don't want to spend time with her and why all of our old neighbors/family friends/etc. don't want to spend time with her either.
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Parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children, goddamt!! Say NO! Let the child learn what NO means, so they grow up confident to say NO to abuse, drugs, whatever it might be… (Side bonus: the child will also learn they can’t always get everything their way)
It's a society thing- if you say 'no' in public, your kid inevitably will scream bloody murder like he's being abused. Then people actually think you're abusing your child, instead of parenting them. I know because I do say 'No.' They do learn they can't have everything- but not until they try all the screaming and tantrums they can come up with. The judgment from the young people who think you're beating your kids! The judgment from the older generation that thinks you should be beating your kids! The 'can I help you manage your kid better' people.. Argh --please!! --I am managing my kid! just let me say no to my child without a whole bunch of drama, questioning, and stares. Kids yell- it's not always cuz the parent beats them. Societal chicken and the egg, that one.
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My dad told me that he never ordered a cripple for a kid while going on about how me being disabled makes him feel bad.
Oh. Ouch . What a cripple in the head your dad is.
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Surprised spanking isn't on the list. Literal physical abuse that many parents still do to this day
There were some things my parents did growing up that still haunt me today. It's especially worse with my mom. She would have video "evidence" that she was a good mom, but the memories I have remind me other wise. My mom would be so busy with work, when she came home, she was mentally checked out. I remember my mom telling me to shut up a lot or go play when I wanted her attention. She still calls me and my sister ungrateful and stuff and she's always saying "I guess I'm just a terrible mom". And when I would bring stuff up, she would blow me off. My dad wasn't as bad, but he was still mentally absent. The difference is my dad has changed and I feel like I can trust him more than my mom. Currently, I'm 17 (f) and getting ready to go to college. We still fight virtually every day
My childhood was lonely, I felt unwanted and ignored. My young adulthood was similar. My mom and I battled during my teen years. She was happy going out with my step-dad, drinking, tuning us out, and saying terrible things when she was drunk. I hid from her. I got a job and made sure I worked in the evenings so I didn't interact with them much. I didn't count on her for anything, it helped. They provided shelter and I took care of my own needs. My suggestion is to go to college. Find someone (counselor, therapist, clergy) to help you work through your home issues. Grow up and try to be the partner/parent that you wished you had as a kid. Maintain as much or as little contact with your mom as you can handle emotionally. Don't let a c**p childhood lead to a c**p adulthood.
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Something that my parents did that I'll never forget. They hit me with the "You can talk to us about anything." Then a few days later my Mother told me that "All of your friends are druggies and hoodlums and you should just get rid of them and get new ones." They had never even met what few friends I had and only worked with what they heard about them via Gossip.
Parents who shove an iPad/phone in their kid's face instead of giving them love and attention, and y'know, RAISING them.
Parents should express their feelings to their kids more often, it makes a huge difference in the relationship between parents and their children 👶👧👦
And I want to include positive and negative feelings! From "I'm happy as can be! Can I hug you reeeaaally tight sweetie?" to "I am sad right now because my favourite plate broke. I need a little me time."
Load More Replies... I agree with almost all of them, seeing this makes me appreciate my mom so much. Even thou she does not fall into the good mother role of everyone, because she would not play and spank us, gotta love a Puertorican mom ❤️🤗
Involving your kid in your break up drama and taking it out on them because you can't get a rise out of the other parent. My parents split was pretty nasty and it was before I was born. Mom never let it get her down, never demanded anything from him, keeps in touch with his family so they could be a part of my life etc. He on the other hand always tried to start something, sued for custody and failed (judge realized there was no child support and fixed that), refused to do more than what was legally required no matter whatvit was (he got me for the summers, I remember one year mom sent money with me because I was going through a growth spurt and ended up spending the entire summer walking around in thick pants and long sleeve shirts cuz he refused to take me to get clothes for 4 months), in the end I went no contact after he called be a gold digger just like my mom because I was telling him about how I was figuring out finances for college. It's been 10 years now, haven't heard a peep
You're a bad parent if that piece of s**t kid that ruins my lessons is yours. F**k you and your s**t kid.
Out of curiosity I read thru this listing because my son, now 29, doesn't have anything to do with me and I can't figure out why. I did all the good things in this list and none of the bad. I also protected him a great deal from an alcoholic, drug using dad who couldn't give a s**t about him unless it served him and his need for attention. When I divorced his dad, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly the dad he used to beg me to divorce was the greatest in the world and I was the c**p parent. He was 19 when he did this to me and refuses to even discuss this in joint therapy. When I had the chance, I asked him earnestly to tell me what I'd done so I could work on it and make things better for him. The most I could get was an angry look and,,"You know what you did." I'd really like to work on it with him in therapy because if I'm unknowingly doing something wrong I'd like to fix it for him! I have no idea why he hates me so much and he won't tell me!
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you deserve it. The fact that you can't understand and refuse to accept any wrong doing means that your son made the right choice by cutting you out of his life. I can assure you that he is happier and healthier now that you are not present in his world. You need to seek therapy and find a way to accept fault for everything you've done to him. Leave him alone. He doesn't want to hear from you and every time you reach out, it is causing him to hurt all over again. If you really love him, you will respect the distance. But I am guessing this isn't about love for you, so again, get into therapy and figure out how to accept the blame and move on.
Load More Replies... Threatening to get rid of/destroy the family pet constantly as punishment. 😬😡
I got that a lot too! :O My mom went through on it a couple of times, too. She is still a horrible person to this day, and wonders why I don't want to spend time with her and why all of our old neighbors/family friends/etc. don't want to spend time with her either.
Load More Replies... Parents who won’t say ‘no’ to their children, goddamt!! Say NO! Let the child learn what NO means, so they grow up confident to say NO to abuse, drugs, whatever it might be… (Side bonus: the child will also learn they can’t always get everything their way)
It's a society thing- if you say 'no' in public, your kid inevitably will scream bloody murder like he's being abused. Then people actually think you're abusing your child, instead of parenting them. I know because I do say 'No.' They do learn they can't have everything- but not until they try all the screaming and tantrums they can come up with. The judgment from the young people who think you're beating your kids! The judgment from the older generation that thinks you should be beating your kids! The 'can I help you manage your kid better' people.. Argh --please!! --I am managing my kid! just let me say no to my child without a whole bunch of drama, questioning, and stares. Kids yell- it's not always cuz the parent beats them. Societal chicken and the egg, that one.
Load More Replies... My dad told me that he never ordered a cripple for a kid while going on about how me being disabled makes him feel bad.
Oh. Ouch . What a cripple in the head your dad is.
Load More Replies... Surprised spanking isn't on the list. Literal physical abuse that many parents still do to this day
There were some things my parents did growing up that still haunt me today. It's especially worse with my mom. She would have video "evidence" that she was a good mom, but the memories I have remind me other wise. My mom would be so busy with work, when she came home, she was mentally checked out. I remember my mom telling me to shut up a lot or go play when I wanted her attention. She still calls me and my sister ungrateful and stuff and she's always saying "I guess I'm just a terrible mom". And when I would bring stuff up, she would blow me off. My dad wasn't as bad, but he was still mentally absent. The difference is my dad has changed and I feel like I can trust him more than my mom. Currently, I'm 17 (f) and getting ready to go to college. We still fight virtually every day
My childhood was lonely, I felt unwanted and ignored. My young adulthood was similar. My mom and I battled during my teen years. She was happy going out with my step-dad, drinking, tuning us out, and saying terrible things when she was drunk. I hid from her. I got a job and made sure I worked in the evenings so I didn't interact with them much. I didn't count on her for anything, it helped. They provided shelter and I took care of my own needs. My suggestion is to go to college. Find someone (counselor, therapist, clergy) to help you work through your home issues. Grow up and try to be the partner/parent that you wished you had as a kid. Maintain as much or as little contact with your mom as you can handle emotionally. Don't let a c**p childhood lead to a c**p adulthood.
Load More Replies... Something that my parents did that I'll never forget. They hit me with the "You can talk to us about anything." Then a few days later my Mother told me that "All of your friends are druggies and hoodlums and you should just get rid of them and get new ones." They had never even met what few friends I had and only worked with what they heard about them via Gossip.
Parents who shove an iPad/phone in their kid's face instead of giving them love and attention, and y'know, RAISING them.
Parents should express their feelings to their kids more often, it makes a huge difference in the relationship between parents and their children 👶👧👦
And I want to include positive and negative feelings! From "I'm happy as can be! Can I hug you reeeaaally tight sweetie?" to "I am sad right now because my favourite plate broke. I need a little me time."
Load More Replies... I agree with almost all of them, seeing this makes me appreciate my mom so much. Even thou she does not fall into the good mother role of everyone, because she would not play and spank us, gotta love a Puertorican mom ❤️🤗
Involving your kid in your break up drama and taking it out on them because you can't get a rise out of the other parent. My parents split was pretty nasty and it was before I was born. Mom never let it get her down, never demanded anything from him, keeps in touch with his family so they could be a part of my life etc. He on the other hand always tried to start something, sued for custody and failed (judge realized there was no child support and fixed that), refused to do more than what was legally required no matter whatvit was (he got me for the summers, I remember one year mom sent money with me because I was going through a growth spurt and ended up spending the entire summer walking around in thick pants and long sleeve shirts cuz he refused to take me to get clothes for 4 months), in the end I went no contact after he called be a gold digger just like my mom because I was telling him about how I was figuring out finances for college. It's been 10 years now, haven't heard a peep
You're a bad parent if that piece of s**t kid that ruins my lessons is yours. F**k you and your s**t kid.
Out of curiosity I read thru this listing because my son, now 29, doesn't have anything to do with me and I can't figure out why. I did all the good things in this list and none of the bad. I also protected him a great deal from an alcoholic, drug using dad who couldn't give a s**t about him unless it served him and his need for attention. When I divorced his dad, it's like someone flipped a switch. Suddenly the dad he used to beg me to divorce was the greatest in the world and I was the c**p parent. He was 19 when he did this to me and refuses to even discuss this in joint therapy. When I had the chance, I asked him earnestly to tell me what I'd done so I could work on it and make things better for him. The most I could get was an angry look and,,"You know what you did." I'd really like to work on it with him in therapy because if I'm unknowingly doing something wrong I'd like to fix it for him! I have no idea why he hates me so much and he won't tell me!
I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you deserve it. The fact that you can't understand and refuse to accept any wrong doing means that your son made the right choice by cutting you out of his life. I can assure you that he is happier and healthier now that you are not present in his world. You need to seek therapy and find a way to accept fault for everything you've done to him. Leave him alone. He doesn't want to hear from you and every time you reach out, it is causing him to hurt all over again. If you really love him, you will respect the distance. But I am guessing this isn't about love for you, so again, get into therapy and figure out how to accept the blame and move on.
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