Guy Asks If He’d Be A Jerk To Spend Valentine’s With Mom Instead Of GF, Gets A Reality Check
Valentine’s is known in most places as the day to shower your romantic partner with love and attention, be it a fancy dinner or a handmade card (it’s the thought that counts, after all). That’s why it’s rarely celebrated with family members.
But after the unexpected death of his stepdad, this redditor had to choose whether to spend Valentine’s with his girlfriend or his mother. His decision left one of the two quite unhappy and the OP himself wondering if he was a jerk in the situation.
Parents might turn to their adult children for support in difficult times
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This man had to choose between his girlfriend and his grieving mother to spend Valentine’s with
Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)
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Valentine’s Day seems to have several origin stories
Image credits: Secret Garden (not the actual photo)
It’s difficult to pinpoint who exactly started the tradition of spoiling your loved one with chocolates and roses on Valentine’s Day, as there seems to be a few possible origin stories. One of them suggests that it was Charles, the Duke of Orléans, who paved the way for all the romantics that followed by writing his wife a poem from imprisonment, calling her “My very gentle Valentine”, back in the 15th century.
Whether it was Charles or some other romantic who started it all, Valentine’s Day is now one of the most romance-filled times of the year, often accompanied by chocolates, cards, teddy bears, dinner reservations, and lots and lots of roses. According to Statista’s data, roughly half of Americans celebrate it in one way or another (at least in 2023, 52% of them were planning to), often treating their partner to a little something to express their love and appreciation.
Needless to say, that little something differs with each wearer of the rose-tinted glasses as well as their partner; while some people are happy to get a hand-written letter or some flowers, others expect jewelry or gestures of grand proportions.
As a matter of fact, jewelry seems to be quite a popular option, as a couple of years ago, in 2022, consumers in the US were expected to spend roughly six billion dollars on it for the special occasion. However, the most favored Valentine’s Day gift, according to a 2021 survey, was chocolates and other tasty treats, which roughly one third of the survey respondents considered number one on their list.
Many people choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day by getting their loved one a gift of some sort
Image credits: Porapak Apichodilok (not the actual photo)
Statista’s data revealed that not only are half of coupled-up Americans eager to celebrate the most romantic day of the year, they are also quite eager to shop; out of the seven countries participating in Statista’s survey, the US stood first in line, making Americans arguably the biggest Valentine’s Day shoppers out there.
Last year, the average spending on Valentine’s in the US was 193 dollars per person, which is not an insignificant amount, especially if money is tight, as it was in the redditor’s case. That’s why he could only choose one of the two important women in his life to treat to a dinner and a gift on the special occasion; and he chose to prioritize his mother.
The netizen’s decision caused quite a buzz in the comments section, as many redditors believed the mother wanted her son to fill her husband’s shoes in certain ways. But, according to a licensed therapist and best-selling author, Susan Pease Gadoua, a parent making their child the stand-in for the spouse they lost through divorce or death is not unusual.
A parent making their child the stand-in for a spouse is not as uncommon as one might think
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
“Parents who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one—they think that everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they will feel useful and loved,” Gadoua wrote in Psychology Today, adding that these parents might not realize that there are more negative than positive impacts of this phenomenon, often referred to as Surrogate Spouse Syndrome.
“Asking a child to play the role of an adult is a heavy burden,” Gadoua pointed out, referring to the cases when the child is not yet an adult. “Rather than augmenting a child’s self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lowered self-worth.”
The expert added that expecting a child to pick up certain responsibilities that used to be taken care of by one’s partner can have a negative effect not only on them themselves, but on their future relationships as well.
In the OP’s case, the relationship with his mother clearly affected the relationship with his partner, who was unsurprisingly upset with his decision about who to spend Valentine’s with. Her reaction was likely one of the reasons the OP turned to fellow redditors asking if he was a jerk, but his story evoked varying opinions.
The OP provided more details about the relationship with his mother in the comments
Fellow redditors believed he was a jerk in the situation in regards to his girlfriend
Some people, however, saw where the OP was coming from
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Apparently, the issue of OP spending time with his mother instead of his girlfriend has come up before this Valentine's Day thing, so it's not about this single event. It reads as if OP's mother and girlfriend are in a kind of tug-of-war when it comes to OP's time and attention. Apparently, mother and girlfriend don't really like each other because if they did, they would cut each other some slack. As it is, the current situation isn't feasible in the long term. OP needs to set some boundaries when it comes to both mother and girlfriend.
NTA but he’s an idiot. He doesn’t have to get his mum a present and take her out for dinner. He could spend some time with his mother earlier in the day. Buy her some flowers and visit her for lunch. The fact that he wants to get her a present and dinner out at the expense of his girlfriend’s happiness is pretty stupid on a romantic holiday. Why does his mum want to go out for dinner anyway? The restaurant will be filled with happy couples. Won’t that make her more sad?
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Yes, it's awful she lost her husband. But that doesn't mean that every single holiday needs to be ALL about her. Sounds like he already went overboard the last 3 times (despite not being able to afford it) and the GF has had enough. And sorry, but asking your son to ditch his longtime girlfriend on Valentine's Day in order to take you out is SO inappropriate! I'd be super mad if I was the GF. This guy needs to set some boundaries.
I doubt she asked for every holiday to be about her. But she's freshly widowed. She needs the damn support. be a good son! If GF can't handle that this is a temporary situation and show some understanding for the man's mother. I couldn't show her the door fast enough. Don't have time for anyone to be jealous of my mother or my children. If she truly cares for you she will understand and be an adult and get over her disappointment. But buddy, you better be ready to go above and beyond for your GF next year. As in, start saving up now. show her your appreciation for letting you be there for your mother. She's in her seventies she ain't going to be around forever. And op would regret it the rest of his life if he wasn't there for his mother when she needed him. Especially if this was a relationship that doesn't look like it's going to go to the long mile. So sick of living in a society that is so entitled, self-absorbed, and selfish. No compassion or sympathy for our elders/elderly.
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NAH - Mum is grieving, and is afraid to be alone on the romantic couples holiday the first time. Son loves her and desperately wants to help her. Girlfriend is also right, this is a couples holiday, and putting his mum over her is wrong too. He needs to come clean with them both about his finances - He had to do the pipe repair, and he's broke. Visit Mum, with GF if possible, and take her flowers or a potplant and a card, during the day, or take her for coffee or lunch. Have a home date with GF the evening of Valentines, cook her a romantic dinner, a heartfelt card, and a gift that is thoughtful rather than expensive.
You said it yourself "alone on a romantic couples holiday" how does that involve her son? It doesn't. Thanksgiving is a family holiday as is Christmas and even new years!! But Valentine's Day is for "lovey dovey-ness" so she needs to wait until Mothers day for a special day out. She lost her husband land grief is hard but her SON will never and should never be expected to take the place of her husband. That's just wrong! She needs therapy and he needs to realize that no matter how much he loves his mom that's not a child's job- at any age!
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Jesus who's your partner your mum or your gf. Valentine's is for couples end of. Do you want to be single?. My partner lost his dad and his mum told him and his siblings you better spend as much time with your partners as you can because goes to fast. You will regret it if you don't. Have some respect for your girlfriend.
That's a really good point. What happens if his girlfriend dies and he's spent months or years neglecting her to take care of his mother? Will he really look back and think that spending Valentine's Day with mum was the best choice?
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MIL has done this for YEARS..... hubby was her surrogate spouse at my expense. After a while, you no longer feel sorry, you get resentful and angry.
I'd be interested to know how much time the son spent on/with his mum before his stepfather died. If it was a normal amount of time, and he prioritised his GF until the death, then this is all new for both mum and son, and still in that awful and raw grieving period...for both of them. And so... I wouldn't call him the AH. However, if the mum has always behaved like this, then the GF has a point, and she is likely going to leave if he still puts his mum first. .. I liked the idea one poster suggested of taking his mum out for lunch on the day, and then spoiling his GF in the evening...that way they will all be happy.
From what the op said it sounds like that this could have been happening before the stepdad died. That's why they have argued in the past from what the beginning of the post said.
Load More Replies... Some of you people are just monsters. If my mother who is in her seventies wanted me to spend time with her after a bereavement, she would get that time. If my SO can't handle that, there's plenty of fish in the sea. It's an elderly mother whose husband just died a few months ago. I mean I wouldn't want this to be recurring every Valentine's Day, but the first year I'd be totally fine with it. I don't give a c**p about Valentine's Day anyways. Tbh this whole thread has eroded what little faith I had left in humanity. To quote Professor Farnsworth from Futurama; "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."
"Valentine's Day is made up c**p but you're a monster if you don't spend it with your mum."
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I hope the gf leaves. Next it'll be, "My mom wants me to buy her presents and take her on a trip during our anniversary. You're cool with that, right?" The mother knows what she's doing. She's manipulating her son into a pseudo husband and has an emotional incest thing going on with him. And he's ok with it. This poor gf needs to bail because he's already in a relationship.
I sent my husband with my mother to a country concert on our 15th wedding anniversary and I stayed home with our 4 children and my Mom's 2 younger children. It was what worked for us, Mom had given up so much for us 6 kids, had never been to a concert (she had babysat for us numerous times to go to concerts, mini weekend vacations, romantic dinners etc) my hubby was happy to do it, and I was more than happy to stay home and do crafts with all the kids. As far as my mom...I don't think I had ever seen her happier except for maybe when us kids or grandchildren were born. A little kindness and selflessness goes a long way, especially if you think about what all parents sacrifice to raise you. And if someone says, that's your mom not his, we had done similar things for his parents also
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Why not make lunch for Mom, w a box of chocolates maybe, then the afternoon and evening would be spent with the gf.
YTA...Your mom is doing this manipulation of you on purpose. To break you and your gf up, so she can keep you all to herself.
Sounds like the girlfriend needs to grow up a bit and realize 1. The world doesn't revolve around her 2. Valentines day is a "holiday" made up by hallmark to make money. Make a homemade card for mom. Write a poem for needy gf. Have a BBQ at mom's for both. Cheaper and far better.
By that logic, shouldn't mum also grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her and that Valentine's Day is a made up holiday?
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The amount of people assuming their has to be some incest c**p going on due to a grieving woman asking her son to spend a holiday she would have spent with her husband is disturbing. Yes it's generally a romantic holiday but so what? It's a large day that's all of a sudden going to be broken adding onto the shock of having her partner ripped from her. If she makes a big fuss about him saying no, then yes it starts to get messed up. But her asking once, to spend what would have been a love filled holiday with her partner with her son instead, to keep it from feeling shatteringly lonley is not inherently incestuous? It's her coping with the loss and trying to not feel alone. The context is f*****g huge. This is a holiday that for many years was busy and happy, and now it's going to be turned on its head and she's already grieving. Good god people need to get their heads out of their asses.
The YTA answers and calling the mom a wicked manipulator is mind boggling to me. This is a first year of mourning and he needs to be there for her. How long has this guy been with this girl? What is their commitment to each other? Have a little grace people. I think they should just break up. Also, valentine's day is stupid
How do you know she isn't? Do you think people who manipulate others don't ever lose their partners? Don't ever grieve their lost partners? Don't ever use their grief to manipulate others? I don't think it's normal or healthy for a parent, regardless of their grief, to demand their grown child's time and money, especially when it will interfere with their other relationships.
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Sure, your mom needs support, but **not on Valentine’s Day**. She’s single now. That’s how it goes when you’re single. Your GF, if she hasn’t given up on you yet, gets the attention on Valentine’s Day. Encourage your mom to get counseling and watch how much time and energy you divert to her.
NTA. If I were the GF: "I know your mom is lonely and grieving. How about we all go to dinner together, then you and I can go for drinks after we bring her home? I know money's tight right now, so I'll pitch in." Compassionate and flexible. Win-win.
Since money is tight, make DIY cards for mom and girlfriend. Dinner is a pizza at moms house with girlfriend, and a grocery store flower bouquet for each. Then you & girlfriend head home for a bottle of wine and some slow dancing in the living room. If you take mom out to fancy dinner & leave girlfriend at home, YTA. If you tell mom to suck it up and cater to girlfriend, YTA. You're going to have to sit on the fence here to avoid being an A. That said, your girlfriend is definitely TA for not understanding what your mom is going through right now. After 3 years together, girlfriend should be suggesting ways you both can spend more time with mom to help her through her grief.
This is why I detest "holidays". They used to be about spending time with loved ones, having a good time, and showing respect and care for those closest to them. Now, it's about gifts and candy and blah. Valentine's especially. It's such a f*****g sham. You wouldn't stay with someone who dolls up the relationship one day a year, only to be an a*****e the rest of the time, yet that's the only time during the year when it's "expected". Corporations really do be having their greedy claws gripped on everyone's shoulders to the point of bleeding. You know what's more romantic? Doing little things here and there to actually support the relationship. Having arguments and discussions instead of fights. Ignoring the flow of society and making your own jive together. People really need to learn to think for themselves. (This coming from an aromantic too.)
Couples should discuss things like birthdays and holidays BEFORE it becomes a problem. We don't celebrate Valentine's day...we don't NEED to. I mean, I just bought my girlfriend flowers the other day...JUST because. Why do I need a specific set date to do nice things for my partner?
I don't care that much about Valentine's Day but if my FIL died I would want to spend time with my MIL because I know she's grieving and feeling lonely. GF kind of sucks because she seems more upset that she won't be getting an expensive gift than anything, and she lacks empathy for what OPs mother is going through. I do think it's odd that OPs mother asked for a gift but Valentine's day isn't only a day for romantic love, at least in my family. It's a day for any kind of love. My mother in law actually buys all her kids, kids in law, and grandkids silly things on Valentine's Day. I think he should come clean about his finances both to his mom, who will probably care and be understanding, and to the GF who I doubt will take it well. Suggest staying in on the day and cooking a fantastic meal and see which woman in his life accepts.
What makes you think that she would be upset about not getting a gift that was expensive? I see a lot of people jumping to this conclusion but I don't see anything to support it.
Load More Replies... The fact that son is oblivious that abandoning his partner to do V day with mom is creepy shows there's some Oedipal stuff going on here. As does the fact that mom finds it reasonable to ask this of her son. Stop by and visit? Yes. Take me to dinner. No. Very disrespectful of son's relationship and outside life.
Seriously? The love of her life died a matter of months ago. Maybe they did things together, to be alone on this day would be awful. This 20 something there can get her head out and put herself in that position, imagine if, you spent 20 years or more with someone, they meant the world to you and now you are alone. I have seen so many children have nothing to do with their parents. Kudos to this man for honoring the woman who gave him life. It is only one day. Eventually she will come out of the fog of grief. Put yourself in her shoes
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The OP can spend time with his GF anytime. I say his Mother needs his undivided attention more now. The OP has a glimpse to what's to come if the GF is coming unhinged now over this trivial matter. Pause your relationship if this is the case Look at it this way; 10 years from now he will remember his Mother, but 10 years from now he will forget his GF's face.
By that same logic, why does mum need to have someone with her on that specific day? Why does his attention need to be undivided? Should he also quit his job to tend to his mother's emotional needs? I mean, in 10 years he will remember his mother but forget his coworkers faces, no?
Load More Replies... The year after My father died my mother asked to take our daughter (her grandchild) away for the night so that my wife and I could have some alone time... BUT this does sound like a thing MY Grandmother would have done, who had alzheimer's / dementia and continually tried to get her children's attention with mild emergencies that needed dealing with regularly. Something to think about for OP
So, my birthday is on Valentine's Day, as is my wedding anniversary. So, you might think it's the trifecta of romantic holidays. However, my husband and I rarely do anything special on that day. I don't need gifts to prove my husband loves me and it is nearly impossible to get a restaurant reservation that day. Instead, we spend the rest of the year showing one another how much we love each other. How I wish my dear MIL was still with us. I'd be thrilled to have my husband treat her to a special Valentine's.
I think the problem is timing. It has not even been a year since your Mom lost her husband, very likely the love of her life. You aren't the A. Your immature girlfriend is, by not being willing to compromise or put off celebrating until a different place in time. Is she really that shallow ? You might want to seriously think about that. If you had/ have children at some point, then what ? They get too much of your time and attention ? Will she whine equally if you adopt a puppy that needs your affection as it adjusts from being part of a litter with its own Mom for warmth and comfort ? Your girlfriend may not mean to be acting selfish and thoughtless, but that is exactly what is going on. She is jealous of the time and energy spent on your elderly Mom, who is hurting ? What is wrong with her ? I am not quite sure where your girlfriend got the idea that she gets to control you or to stomp her feet and act like an ill tempered child if she doesn't get her way ?
Wasn't her supporting his decision to spend every other holiday with her a compromise? It's weird that people keep forgetting to mention that in their accusations of her unreasonableness. You believe that if you have a child or get a puppy, you can ignore your partner's needs completely? And your partner would be a selfish, thoughtless, jealous, ill tempered, childish, whining a*****e for asking you to recognize his needs?
Load More Replies... Apparently, the issue of OP spending time with his mother instead of his girlfriend has come up before this Valentine's Day thing, so it's not about this single event. It reads as if OP's mother and girlfriend are in a kind of tug-of-war when it comes to OP's time and attention. Apparently, mother and girlfriend don't really like each other because if they did, they would cut each other some slack. As it is, the current situation isn't feasible in the long term. OP needs to set some boundaries when it comes to both mother and girlfriend.
NTA but he’s an idiot. He doesn’t have to get his mum a present and take her out for dinner. He could spend some time with his mother earlier in the day. Buy her some flowers and visit her for lunch. The fact that he wants to get her a present and dinner out at the expense of his girlfriend’s happiness is pretty stupid on a romantic holiday. Why does his mum want to go out for dinner anyway? The restaurant will be filled with happy couples. Won’t that make her more sad?
Load More Replies... Yes, it's awful she lost her husband. But that doesn't mean that every single holiday needs to be ALL about her. Sounds like he already went overboard the last 3 times (despite not being able to afford it) and the GF has had enough. And sorry, but asking your son to ditch his longtime girlfriend on Valentine's Day in order to take you out is SO inappropriate! I'd be super mad if I was the GF. This guy needs to set some boundaries.
I doubt she asked for every holiday to be about her. But she's freshly widowed. She needs the damn support. be a good son! If GF can't handle that this is a temporary situation and show some understanding for the man's mother. I couldn't show her the door fast enough. Don't have time for anyone to be jealous of my mother or my children. If she truly cares for you she will understand and be an adult and get over her disappointment. But buddy, you better be ready to go above and beyond for your GF next year. As in, start saving up now. show her your appreciation for letting you be there for your mother. She's in her seventies she ain't going to be around forever. And op would regret it the rest of his life if he wasn't there for his mother when she needed him. Especially if this was a relationship that doesn't look like it's going to go to the long mile. So sick of living in a society that is so entitled, self-absorbed, and selfish. No compassion or sympathy for our elders/elderly.
Load More Replies... NAH - Mum is grieving, and is afraid to be alone on the romantic couples holiday the first time. Son loves her and desperately wants to help her. Girlfriend is also right, this is a couples holiday, and putting his mum over her is wrong too. He needs to come clean with them both about his finances - He had to do the pipe repair, and he's broke. Visit Mum, with GF if possible, and take her flowers or a potplant and a card, during the day, or take her for coffee or lunch. Have a home date with GF the evening of Valentines, cook her a romantic dinner, a heartfelt card, and a gift that is thoughtful rather than expensive.
You said it yourself "alone on a romantic couples holiday" how does that involve her son? It doesn't. Thanksgiving is a family holiday as is Christmas and even new years!! But Valentine's Day is for "lovey dovey-ness" so she needs to wait until Mothers day for a special day out. She lost her husband land grief is hard but her SON will never and should never be expected to take the place of her husband. That's just wrong! She needs therapy and he needs to realize that no matter how much he loves his mom that's not a child's job- at any age!
Load More Replies... Jesus who's your partner your mum or your gf. Valentine's is for couples end of. Do you want to be single?. My partner lost his dad and his mum told him and his siblings you better spend as much time with your partners as you can because goes to fast. You will regret it if you don't. Have some respect for your girlfriend.
That's a really good point. What happens if his girlfriend dies and he's spent months or years neglecting her to take care of his mother? Will he really look back and think that spending Valentine's Day with mum was the best choice?
Load More Replies... MIL has done this for YEARS..... hubby was her surrogate spouse at my expense. After a while, you no longer feel sorry, you get resentful and angry.
I'd be interested to know how much time the son spent on/with his mum before his stepfather died. If it was a normal amount of time, and he prioritised his GF until the death, then this is all new for both mum and son, and still in that awful and raw grieving period...for both of them. And so... I wouldn't call him the AH. However, if the mum has always behaved like this, then the GF has a point, and she is likely going to leave if he still puts his mum first. .. I liked the idea one poster suggested of taking his mum out for lunch on the day, and then spoiling his GF in the evening...that way they will all be happy.
From what the op said it sounds like that this could have been happening before the stepdad died. That's why they have argued in the past from what the beginning of the post said.
Load More Replies... Some of you people are just monsters. If my mother who is in her seventies wanted me to spend time with her after a bereavement, she would get that time. If my SO can't handle that, there's plenty of fish in the sea. It's an elderly mother whose husband just died a few months ago. I mean I wouldn't want this to be recurring every Valentine's Day, but the first year I'd be totally fine with it. I don't give a c**p about Valentine's Day anyways. Tbh this whole thread has eroded what little faith I had left in humanity. To quote Professor Farnsworth from Futurama; "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."
"Valentine's Day is made up c**p but you're a monster if you don't spend it with your mum."
Load More Replies... I hope the gf leaves. Next it'll be, "My mom wants me to buy her presents and take her on a trip during our anniversary. You're cool with that, right?" The mother knows what she's doing. She's manipulating her son into a pseudo husband and has an emotional incest thing going on with him. And he's ok with it. This poor gf needs to bail because he's already in a relationship.
I sent my husband with my mother to a country concert on our 15th wedding anniversary and I stayed home with our 4 children and my Mom's 2 younger children. It was what worked for us, Mom had given up so much for us 6 kids, had never been to a concert (she had babysat for us numerous times to go to concerts, mini weekend vacations, romantic dinners etc) my hubby was happy to do it, and I was more than happy to stay home and do crafts with all the kids. As far as my mom...I don't think I had ever seen her happier except for maybe when us kids or grandchildren were born. A little kindness and selflessness goes a long way, especially if you think about what all parents sacrifice to raise you. And if someone says, that's your mom not his, we had done similar things for his parents also
Load More Replies... Why not make lunch for Mom, w a box of chocolates maybe, then the afternoon and evening would be spent with the gf.
YTA...Your mom is doing this manipulation of you on purpose. To break you and your gf up, so she can keep you all to herself.
Sounds like the girlfriend needs to grow up a bit and realize 1. The world doesn't revolve around her 2. Valentines day is a "holiday" made up by hallmark to make money. Make a homemade card for mom. Write a poem for needy gf. Have a BBQ at mom's for both. Cheaper and far better.
By that logic, shouldn't mum also grow up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around her and that Valentine's Day is a made up holiday?
Load More Replies... The amount of people assuming their has to be some incest c**p going on due to a grieving woman asking her son to spend a holiday she would have spent with her husband is disturbing. Yes it's generally a romantic holiday but so what? It's a large day that's all of a sudden going to be broken adding onto the shock of having her partner ripped from her. If she makes a big fuss about him saying no, then yes it starts to get messed up. But her asking once, to spend what would have been a love filled holiday with her partner with her son instead, to keep it from feeling shatteringly lonley is not inherently incestuous? It's her coping with the loss and trying to not feel alone. The context is f*****g huge. This is a holiday that for many years was busy and happy, and now it's going to be turned on its head and she's already grieving. Good god people need to get their heads out of their asses.
The YTA answers and calling the mom a wicked manipulator is mind boggling to me. This is a first year of mourning and he needs to be there for her. How long has this guy been with this girl? What is their commitment to each other? Have a little grace people. I think they should just break up. Also, valentine's day is stupid
How do you know she isn't? Do you think people who manipulate others don't ever lose their partners? Don't ever grieve their lost partners? Don't ever use their grief to manipulate others? I don't think it's normal or healthy for a parent, regardless of their grief, to demand their grown child's time and money, especially when it will interfere with their other relationships.
Load More Replies... Sure, your mom needs support, but **not on Valentine’s Day**. She’s single now. That’s how it goes when you’re single. Your GF, if she hasn’t given up on you yet, gets the attention on Valentine’s Day. Encourage your mom to get counseling and watch how much time and energy you divert to her.
NTA. If I were the GF: "I know your mom is lonely and grieving. How about we all go to dinner together, then you and I can go for drinks after we bring her home? I know money's tight right now, so I'll pitch in." Compassionate and flexible. Win-win.
Since money is tight, make DIY cards for mom and girlfriend. Dinner is a pizza at moms house with girlfriend, and a grocery store flower bouquet for each. Then you & girlfriend head home for a bottle of wine and some slow dancing in the living room. If you take mom out to fancy dinner & leave girlfriend at home, YTA. If you tell mom to suck it up and cater to girlfriend, YTA. You're going to have to sit on the fence here to avoid being an A. That said, your girlfriend is definitely TA for not understanding what your mom is going through right now. After 3 years together, girlfriend should be suggesting ways you both can spend more time with mom to help her through her grief.
This is why I detest "holidays". They used to be about spending time with loved ones, having a good time, and showing respect and care for those closest to them. Now, it's about gifts and candy and blah. Valentine's especially. It's such a f*****g sham. You wouldn't stay with someone who dolls up the relationship one day a year, only to be an a*****e the rest of the time, yet that's the only time during the year when it's "expected". Corporations really do be having their greedy claws gripped on everyone's shoulders to the point of bleeding. You know what's more romantic? Doing little things here and there to actually support the relationship. Having arguments and discussions instead of fights. Ignoring the flow of society and making your own jive together. People really need to learn to think for themselves. (This coming from an aromantic too.)
Couples should discuss things like birthdays and holidays BEFORE it becomes a problem. We don't celebrate Valentine's day...we don't NEED to. I mean, I just bought my girlfriend flowers the other day...JUST because. Why do I need a specific set date to do nice things for my partner?
I don't care that much about Valentine's Day but if my FIL died I would want to spend time with my MIL because I know she's grieving and feeling lonely. GF kind of sucks because she seems more upset that she won't be getting an expensive gift than anything, and she lacks empathy for what OPs mother is going through. I do think it's odd that OPs mother asked for a gift but Valentine's day isn't only a day for romantic love, at least in my family. It's a day for any kind of love. My mother in law actually buys all her kids, kids in law, and grandkids silly things on Valentine's Day. I think he should come clean about his finances both to his mom, who will probably care and be understanding, and to the GF who I doubt will take it well. Suggest staying in on the day and cooking a fantastic meal and see which woman in his life accepts.
What makes you think that she would be upset about not getting a gift that was expensive? I see a lot of people jumping to this conclusion but I don't see anything to support it.
Load More Replies... The fact that son is oblivious that abandoning his partner to do V day with mom is creepy shows there's some Oedipal stuff going on here. As does the fact that mom finds it reasonable to ask this of her son. Stop by and visit? Yes. Take me to dinner. No. Very disrespectful of son's relationship and outside life.
Seriously? The love of her life died a matter of months ago. Maybe they did things together, to be alone on this day would be awful. This 20 something there can get her head out and put herself in that position, imagine if, you spent 20 years or more with someone, they meant the world to you and now you are alone. I have seen so many children have nothing to do with their parents. Kudos to this man for honoring the woman who gave him life. It is only one day. Eventually she will come out of the fog of grief. Put yourself in her shoes
Load More Replies... The OP can spend time with his GF anytime. I say his Mother needs his undivided attention more now. The OP has a glimpse to what's to come if the GF is coming unhinged now over this trivial matter. Pause your relationship if this is the case Look at it this way; 10 years from now he will remember his Mother, but 10 years from now he will forget his GF's face.
By that same logic, why does mum need to have someone with her on that specific day? Why does his attention need to be undivided? Should he also quit his job to tend to his mother's emotional needs? I mean, in 10 years he will remember his mother but forget his coworkers faces, no?
Load More Replies... The year after My father died my mother asked to take our daughter (her grandchild) away for the night so that my wife and I could have some alone time... BUT this does sound like a thing MY Grandmother would have done, who had alzheimer's / dementia and continually tried to get her children's attention with mild emergencies that needed dealing with regularly. Something to think about for OP
So, my birthday is on Valentine's Day, as is my wedding anniversary. So, you might think it's the trifecta of romantic holidays. However, my husband and I rarely do anything special on that day. I don't need gifts to prove my husband loves me and it is nearly impossible to get a restaurant reservation that day. Instead, we spend the rest of the year showing one another how much we love each other. How I wish my dear MIL was still with us. I'd be thrilled to have my husband treat her to a special Valentine's.
I think the problem is timing. It has not even been a year since your Mom lost her husband, very likely the love of her life. You aren't the A. Your immature girlfriend is, by not being willing to compromise or put off celebrating until a different place in time. Is she really that shallow ? You might want to seriously think about that. If you had/ have children at some point, then what ? They get too much of your time and attention ? Will she whine equally if you adopt a puppy that needs your affection as it adjusts from being part of a litter with its own Mom for warmth and comfort ? Your girlfriend may not mean to be acting selfish and thoughtless, but that is exactly what is going on. She is jealous of the time and energy spent on your elderly Mom, who is hurting ? What is wrong with her ? I am not quite sure where your girlfriend got the idea that she gets to control you or to stomp her feet and act like an ill tempered child if she doesn't get her way ?
Wasn't her supporting his decision to spend every other holiday with her a compromise? It's weird that people keep forgetting to mention that in their accusations of her unreasonableness. You believe that if you have a child or get a puppy, you can ignore your partner's needs completely? And your partner would be a selfish, thoughtless, jealous, ill tempered, childish, whining a*****e for asking you to recognize his needs?
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