Man Refuses To Take In His Sister And His Special Needs Niece, Gets Backed By Netizens
Life is fragile and precious, yet also strange and occasionally downright wicked.
As handy as it might sound, there is no guidebook that will instruct you on how to live it all right. You’ll get to feel fortunate and experience all that life has to offer one day, but the following day, you’ll have to put on your best mental armor and fight off all these unexpected challenges.
The thing is, no matter how careful you are being – you’re bound to deal with consequences either way, and very rarely are those consequences pleasant. We’re all learning as we go along, and it would be tasteless of us to judge someone for doing something differently or for adhering to beliefs that are in opposition to our own.
That said, never pass judgment on another person’s life choices, and don’t expect others to deal with the responsibilities that came from your own ones.
More info: Reddit
Remember, you’re not responsible for other people’s life choices
Image credits: U.S. Army Europe (not the actual image)
“AITA for telling my sister that my special needs niece is not my responsibility?” – this web user turned to one of Reddit’s most judgmental communities, asking its members whether he’s indeed a jerk for refusing to take his sister and special needs niece into his house so that his wife and mother-in-law can assist the woman in caring for her child. The post managed to garner over 12.4K upvotes as well as 2K comments discussing the situation.
Man ponders whether he’s indeed a jerk for refusing to help his sister care for her special needs child
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
The author of the post said at the outset that he and his wife had discussed every detail before getting married. At first, it was silly stuff, but as their relationship progressed, they debated more serious things. For instance, how they would like to discipline their future children, living wills, and what they’d do if they discovered that they were having a kid with severe health issues.
Together, the couple agreed on a decision and established that they didn’t want to put a human through such suffering.
Long ago, before the author of the post tied the knot with his now-wife, they made sure to discuss everything
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Later on, when the conversation came up, he revealed his plans to his best friend, aka his sister. She immediately shared the news with their parents, saying that he and his now-wife were terrible people as they were willing to terminate a pregnancy that wasn’t going to gift them with a “perfect” kid. Even though the post’s author obviously didn’t say that and had to spend days explaining it to his family, his parents weren’t pleased.
Sadly, his sister didn’t have this talk with her husband, so when she was expecting her second child and the doctors said that it would have heaps of issues, they prayed about it and went forward with the pregnancy.
The couple agreed that if they found out that they were having a child with severe health issues, they weren’t going to bring it into the world to suffer
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
The man’s niece is now 9 years old. And his sister is also a divorcee. The medical expenses hit hard on their savings, and the guy, allegedly, couldn’t handle the fact that he’d have to care for his daughter for the rest of her life.
The family just celebrated Thanksgiving, and it was discovered that the woman is going through a rough patch. The post’s creator’s niece is in diapers and will be until the end of her days. His sister can’t work because she would need special childcare, and no daycare offers it (or it probably costs a whopping amount of money). Prescriptions add up to hundreds if not thousands every month.
Their parents are helping, but his dad recently had to postpone his retirement just so that he could contribute. The author of the post and his spouse also help with about $500 a month, and while it’s not a crazy sum, it still leaves a gap in their budget.
His sister didn’t have this talk with her husband, so when the doctors said that her second child would have a lot of health issues, they went forward with the pregnancy
Image credits: Gareth Williams (not the actual image)
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
It was then revealed that his sister wants to move in with him so that his wife, who works from home, and his mother-in-law, who is there to help the couple with their kids and who is essentially unrelated to the sick child, can help her out. The pair don’t have the space or the budget for that, so he told her straight that they aren’t accountable for her life choices.
However, his old folks are saying that he needs to step up and help and threatened him to give everything to his sister when they pass away. The man told them that was a great idea, as his family doesn’t want or need their money, and that they should set up a trust for her now.
The author of the post then said that, apparently, it wasn’t the answer that they’d hoped for, as everyone in the family is now making him look like the biggest jerk ever. He then revealed that he resorted to this online community to find out whether he was indeed wrong for not wanting to be in a situation he had “intentionally avoided.”
Recently, his sister asked to move in with him so that his wife, who works from home, and his MIL, who is there to help the pair with their kids and who is essentially unrelated to the sick child, can help her out
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Later on, when the post had gained quite a bit of attention, the man decided to edit it and add some extra commentary. It was said that his former brother-in-law is indeed paying his child and spousal support. Moreover, he still spends a lot of time with the other child. The man also stated that the woman can’t move into their parents’ house as they downsized as soon as both of them left the property.
The couple refused – however, his parents are not happy about it, and are saying that he needs to “step up and help”
Image source: u/Specialist-Author766
Image credits: Timothy Allen (not the actual image)
He also talked about his sister’s decision, claiming that it was all a religious thing. Turns out, the whole family is pretty God-fearing – however, the author of the post no longer describes himself as such. Lastly, he mentioned that his sibling receives assistance from the government and that he’s relieved that his niece’s limited brain activity prevents her from feeling all the pain that her body is going through.
Do you agree with the man’s thinking? And what would you do if you were in this situation?
Fellow community members shared their thoughts and opinions on this situation
I'm so annoyed when Christians say that God will give them the child they want/can handle, then when the kid is disabled they expect the rest of society to help and get upset when they won't, saying everyone else is a bad Christian.
I'm annoyed when they pray for a miracle, then rely on science to treat their 'miracle' Hundreds of dedicated scientist, doctors nurses etc have given their lives to medical advancement, they haven't relied on a god to do it all for them
I'm a doctor. I treat people with medicine. I'm also Spiritual. I view myself as one of God's tools. Just because it's science and hard work doesn't mean God has nothing to do with it. Of course that's just my personal belief. But it's what I tell patients who are waiting for a "miracle" instead of using what God has clearly made available- medicine. I'd much rather them believe and take advantage of medicine than sit around and demand God cure them their way- which is always some miracle. Then they get very sick. Which is no good.
The argument gets heated when one side believes that the ability to have a medical diagnosis and safe abortion IS God helping through Science/medicine/doctors while another side believe that God wouldn't want an abortion for any reason.
EXCEPT in scripture when describing terrible times coming, Jesus says " better for a child to die, slumbering in the womb than to be born into times like these"
Where's this at?
People can pray. And they can use science. What annoys you?
*working lives/careers
Yeah… It’s the whole “It’s a miracle! A magical miracle from god/the goddess/the gods!” thing. So… these doctors and nurses who worked for hours and days under extreme pressure, some of whom don’t share you religion or god, had nothing to do with it what so ever, then…? Gods tools? Ok. And it makes no difference that the surgeon is Muslim, huh, the christian god still get the entire cred? ‘Kay, gotcha.
God gave them the abilities and education..it all still goes back to God.
If one assumes there is a god, that is.
Please don't generalise. You have mostly encountered bad or problematic Christians doesn't mean they are all like that.
Entailment
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Those that truly believe in Jesus would help. You are forgetting that you can do nothing without Christ. We live in a broken and fallen World and that whole nonsense about not getting more then you can handle is a lie True Christians know that is bogus. If we could do it all by ourselves then there is no need for God or other people. God directed us to care for others aka caring for the least of these shows you love God. I know plenty disabled people and their families love them, neighbors even help when they can. Those willing to slaughter the innocent so they don't suffer is a cop out for the selfish people that don't want to be bothered. Any culture that treats the innocent this way will soon end up killing what they once considered healthy and perfect. I choose love and life over death and so called perfection.
Where I come from in Ireland, divorce is viewed as a sin by Christians. Seems to me the family choose what they want when it suits.
Yes! OPs sister is divorced! She needs a good long look in a mirror.
"For better or worse, in sickness or in health, til death do us part... or until I just don't feel like it anymore. Amen"
What you mean is “until we have to go separate ways in order for either one of us to ever be happy in life because people and circumstances change”.
I am Nigerian, which is a highly religious country and Christians over here don't view divorce as such.
The bible says divorce is a sin unless done in certain circumstances divorce for nonprescribed reasons means the next marriage is adultery unless the ex dies. . Your post made their point. . It also says adultery is such a sin that if your spouse cheats and you forgive them and take them back and sleep with them..YOU also have committed adultery because their sin contaminates you. If Nigerians are super religious but do not follow scripture..there you go: every religion is based on doctrine..that interpretation of the Bible which glorifies their version as sacred and right as opposed to the supposedly profane interpretation of others...and every religion cherry picks scripture and often adds cultural superstitions and pagan acts into Christian practices.
You're thinking too far, I didn't give any detail. By the way, the Christian religion doesn't treat itself as the only correct one.
If literally really absolutely does. The entirety of the history of christianity is them treating themselves as the ONLY true believers and claiming they are the ONLY correct religion. They have not backed down for murder, torture and genocide if it supported the narrative that their belief is indeed the ONLY correct and true one that knows the “one, true god”. They use those words because they so very much absolutely mean exactly that. The very first commandment states their priorities clearly.
I WAS this sister. Daughter with severe down syndrome, ex left the state because he couldn't handle it. No siblings for me tho. I survived off her social security and rented rooms for my daughter and I. Had roommates who were my daughters paid caregivers to help pay rent. Yes she went to school, but that didnt stop me losing my jobs for absences. So stopped working so I knew we'd have health insurance. State of AX didnt assist much. Sadly my daughter passed from covid last year. My life has started over.
I'm very sorry to hear of your daughter's passing, truly. I hope for new beginnings and much healing for you.
Ty! Im actually in Canada now! I miss her tremendously but it is bittersweet. My life has improved dramatically. It is sad how difficult my life was being her mom. But ill never know anyone with so much love to give as she did. My lil bumblebee.
Skull Tastic, I'm so sorry for your loss. How touching it is to read what you did for your lil bumblebee. You are fantastic. Hugs.
You are still her mom.
I'm sorry for your loss, hope your doing better. Sending e-hugs
So sorry for your loss!
I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I'm sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you and your lil bumblebee she's happy and I'm sure she was proud to have you as her mom I wish you the best in this life and the next.
what about food stamps, state welfare, you said her SSI also child support?? They will jail a person if they get behind so many resources. I'm sorry to hear of your daughters passing I drove a school bus for handicapped and the kids with down syndrome were always pleasant happy and eager to please
There are programs to provide diapers too. Talk to the school social worker. Your sister has to be her daughter's advocate.
The choices you made. BUT the problem is not the choice you make but the choice you cause others to make due to your choice. Social security, subsidized nursing, specialized teachers all come out of tax payer money..helping people like you live out your version of life in the choices you made..and we have no choice in helping you pay for them.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Covid is radiation poisoning, and I'm betting you're illuminated & baked your own child to death... Life starting over. I have 2 sons with special needs, my life would end without them.... Wtf is wrong with you lizard
You're disgusting even if you are trolling.
I don't report people but I reported this piece of garbage. I hope they're permanently banned.
Did you just accuse someone of killing their child who they CLEARLY loved and miss dearly? Wtf is wrong with YOU?
You're a disgrace of a human to say something like that. Piece of garbage.
Healthy child or not, the parents' decisions to go through with the pregnancy is their own and the bringing up said child is also their own. If one of the posts is true, the sister hasn't checked all the money she can get from the government. NTA. It's the sister's and her ex's responsibility of taking care of that child. OP's wife works from home, so wouldn't have time even if she wanted to. And their children would feel left out because everyone's attention would be on the niece and that's not an option.
Im in the US. Was in Phoenix but still didnt get much assistance as far as programs she could attend etc. i feel bad for this mom, but it isnt her brothers responsibility to help raise her child. If shes getting child support, spousal support and her daughter is on disability shes bringing home enough to survive on. Assuming shes in the US. She should investigate which states offer better benefits. I wish her luck
She wants servants, not help. His Mil has to help her
I find it hard to believe that there is no low-income housing around her. Because they are federally funded, they must have a certain percentage of accessible units. She needs to get her name on the waiting list asap. Her child is 9, and despite the severity of her disabilities, she is entitled to attend school at no cost to her mother. There are schools everywhere for children with severe needs. My niece has Rett Syndrome, non-verbal, non-mobile, feeding tube, diapers, no ability to communicate, doesn't make eye contact or acknowledge anyone or many things, and she went to a local special needs school from the time she was 3 until she was 21 (aged out of public school systems). The district they live in paid the cost of the school, transportation, her therapies, her aide. She attended Sept-June and 6 weeks in the summer. OP's sister could find a part-time job while her daughter is at school. She also can look into respite services to give her help in her house (when she gets one).
I doubt the cost of services is what she is the most in need of..she wants help watching her child so she can live her life a little. Schools, new house, etc won't free her. She wants to be free and knows the only way is if others assume her roles in her daughter's life. She also is of the opinion that everyone around her owes her this respite and should help her. That may be true after forced pregnancies but it was not true when she decided to have her daughter. BEING a paragon looks better in theory than living it day to day.
Also most states have Brain Injury Services that provides caseworkers to connect people with available services and options. I worked at a nursing home when a couple brought their daughter who had been born with only a brain stem. Only autonomic function. She was 30+ years old they had cared for her her entire life. She had some further health issues and had basically been brought in for end of life care. State funded facility. She lived another couple of years and was doted on by her nurses aides.
It is none of our responsibility or choice but the rest of us will have to pay for it and more and more as tech lengthens the lives of more people. We cannot afford it and the fact is. The choice to do this is selfish though we don't see it that way. We have made a virtue out of stagnating or sabotaging the human race by creating suboptimal humans.
THIS!! Thank you so much for saying what nobody is willing to say out loud. It has only been in the last few generations people have been expected to keep their extremely disabled relatives at home. Prior to that, the extremely disabled - if they were unfortunately birthed or kept alive with extraordinary measures - were kept in institutions, thereby permitting their families to focus on their own lives and other, healthy children. I CANNOT understand willfully giving birth to a child KNOWN to have crippling disabilities that will prevent the offspring, if born, from ever having a meaningful life, and possibly removing the chance for their potential healthy siblings to receive the care and attention they need to grow into self-sufficient adults. Mind-boggling!
why didn't you get much assistance? There is SSI there is state welfare, food stamps WIC, if unemployed Medicade THOSE ARE JUST ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS corse you can apply for water electric and gas bills to be payed NOW what about child support and HUD honestly people live better life's off government. Aide than those who dont
The gov is us. These people and there are a LOT of them that make choices that will affect your pocket and your kids and grandkids.pocket...high cost of insurance, social services, property taxes, residential homes..we pay for all of that. WHAT is a single families choice becomes a nation's financial/moral burden and dilemma. In the meantime, we all must accommodate and help them in their "choices" without any choice of our own.
I'm so annoyed when Christians say that God will give them the child they want/can handle, then when the kid is disabled they expect the rest of society to help and get upset when they won't, saying everyone else is a bad Christian.
I'm annoyed when they pray for a miracle, then rely on science to treat their 'miracle' Hundreds of dedicated scientist, doctors nurses etc have given their lives to medical advancement, they haven't relied on a god to do it all for them
I'm a doctor. I treat people with medicine. I'm also Spiritual. I view myself as one of God's tools. Just because it's science and hard work doesn't mean God has nothing to do with it. Of course that's just my personal belief. But it's what I tell patients who are waiting for a "miracle" instead of using what God has clearly made available- medicine. I'd much rather them believe and take advantage of medicine than sit around and demand God cure them their way- which is always some miracle. Then they get very sick. Which is no good.
The argument gets heated when one side believes that the ability to have a medical diagnosis and safe abortion IS God helping through Science/medicine/doctors while another side believe that God wouldn't want an abortion for any reason.
EXCEPT in scripture when describing terrible times coming, Jesus says " better for a child to die, slumbering in the womb than to be born into times like these"
Where's this at?
People can pray. And they can use science. What annoys you?
*working lives/careers
Yeah… It’s the whole “It’s a miracle! A magical miracle from god/the goddess/the gods!” thing. So… these doctors and nurses who worked for hours and days under extreme pressure, some of whom don’t share you religion or god, had nothing to do with it what so ever, then…? Gods tools? Ok. And it makes no difference that the surgeon is Muslim, huh, the christian god still get the entire cred? ‘Kay, gotcha.
God gave them the abilities and education..it all still goes back to God.
If one assumes there is a god, that is.
Please don't generalise. You have mostly encountered bad or problematic Christians doesn't mean they are all like that.
Entailment
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Those that truly believe in Jesus would help. You are forgetting that you can do nothing without Christ. We live in a broken and fallen World and that whole nonsense about not getting more then you can handle is a lie True Christians know that is bogus. If we could do it all by ourselves then there is no need for God or other people. God directed us to care for others aka caring for the least of these shows you love God. I know plenty disabled people and their families love them, neighbors even help when they can. Those willing to slaughter the innocent so they don't suffer is a cop out for the selfish people that don't want to be bothered. Any culture that treats the innocent this way will soon end up killing what they once considered healthy and perfect. I choose love and life over death and so called perfection.
Where I come from in Ireland, divorce is viewed as a sin by Christians. Seems to me the family choose what they want when it suits.
Yes! OPs sister is divorced! She needs a good long look in a mirror.
"For better or worse, in sickness or in health, til death do us part... or until I just don't feel like it anymore. Amen"
What you mean is “until we have to go separate ways in order for either one of us to ever be happy in life because people and circumstances change”.
I am Nigerian, which is a highly religious country and Christians over here don't view divorce as such.
The bible says divorce is a sin unless done in certain circumstances divorce for nonprescribed reasons means the next marriage is adultery unless the ex dies. . Your post made their point. . It also says adultery is such a sin that if your spouse cheats and you forgive them and take them back and sleep with them..YOU also have committed adultery because their sin contaminates you. If Nigerians are super religious but do not follow scripture..there you go: every religion is based on doctrine..that interpretation of the Bible which glorifies their version as sacred and right as opposed to the supposedly profane interpretation of others...and every religion cherry picks scripture and often adds cultural superstitions and pagan acts into Christian practices.
You're thinking too far, I didn't give any detail. By the way, the Christian religion doesn't treat itself as the only correct one.
If literally really absolutely does. The entirety of the history of christianity is them treating themselves as the ONLY true believers and claiming they are the ONLY correct religion. They have not backed down for murder, torture and genocide if it supported the narrative that their belief is indeed the ONLY correct and true one that knows the “one, true god”. They use those words because they so very much absolutely mean exactly that. The very first commandment states their priorities clearly.
I WAS this sister. Daughter with severe down syndrome, ex left the state because he couldn't handle it. No siblings for me tho. I survived off her social security and rented rooms for my daughter and I. Had roommates who were my daughters paid caregivers to help pay rent. Yes she went to school, but that didnt stop me losing my jobs for absences. So stopped working so I knew we'd have health insurance. State of AX didnt assist much. Sadly my daughter passed from covid last year. My life has started over.
I'm very sorry to hear of your daughter's passing, truly. I hope for new beginnings and much healing for you.
Ty! Im actually in Canada now! I miss her tremendously but it is bittersweet. My life has improved dramatically. It is sad how difficult my life was being her mom. But ill never know anyone with so much love to give as she did. My lil bumblebee.
Skull Tastic, I'm so sorry for your loss. How touching it is to read what you did for your lil bumblebee. You are fantastic. Hugs.
You are still her mom.
I'm sorry for your loss, hope your doing better. Sending e-hugs
So sorry for your loss!
I am so sorry for your loss. ❤️
I'm sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you and your lil bumblebee she's happy and I'm sure she was proud to have you as her mom I wish you the best in this life and the next.
what about food stamps, state welfare, you said her SSI also child support?? They will jail a person if they get behind so many resources. I'm sorry to hear of your daughters passing I drove a school bus for handicapped and the kids with down syndrome were always pleasant happy and eager to please
There are programs to provide diapers too. Talk to the school social worker. Your sister has to be her daughter's advocate.
The choices you made. BUT the problem is not the choice you make but the choice you cause others to make due to your choice. Social security, subsidized nursing, specialized teachers all come out of tax payer money..helping people like you live out your version of life in the choices you made..and we have no choice in helping you pay for them.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Covid is radiation poisoning, and I'm betting you're illuminated & baked your own child to death... Life starting over. I have 2 sons with special needs, my life would end without them.... Wtf is wrong with you lizard
You're disgusting even if you are trolling.
I don't report people but I reported this piece of garbage. I hope they're permanently banned.
Did you just accuse someone of killing their child who they CLEARLY loved and miss dearly? Wtf is wrong with YOU?
You're a disgrace of a human to say something like that. Piece of garbage.
Healthy child or not, the parents' decisions to go through with the pregnancy is their own and the bringing up said child is also their own. If one of the posts is true, the sister hasn't checked all the money she can get from the government. NTA. It's the sister's and her ex's responsibility of taking care of that child. OP's wife works from home, so wouldn't have time even if she wanted to. And their children would feel left out because everyone's attention would be on the niece and that's not an option.
Im in the US. Was in Phoenix but still didnt get much assistance as far as programs she could attend etc. i feel bad for this mom, but it isnt her brothers responsibility to help raise her child. If shes getting child support, spousal support and her daughter is on disability shes bringing home enough to survive on. Assuming shes in the US. She should investigate which states offer better benefits. I wish her luck
She wants servants, not help. His Mil has to help her
I find it hard to believe that there is no low-income housing around her. Because they are federally funded, they must have a certain percentage of accessible units. She needs to get her name on the waiting list asap. Her child is 9, and despite the severity of her disabilities, she is entitled to attend school at no cost to her mother. There are schools everywhere for children with severe needs. My niece has Rett Syndrome, non-verbal, non-mobile, feeding tube, diapers, no ability to communicate, doesn't make eye contact or acknowledge anyone or many things, and she went to a local special needs school from the time she was 3 until she was 21 (aged out of public school systems). The district they live in paid the cost of the school, transportation, her therapies, her aide. She attended Sept-June and 6 weeks in the summer. OP's sister could find a part-time job while her daughter is at school. She also can look into respite services to give her help in her house (when she gets one).
I doubt the cost of services is what she is the most in need of..she wants help watching her child so she can live her life a little. Schools, new house, etc won't free her. She wants to be free and knows the only way is if others assume her roles in her daughter's life. She also is of the opinion that everyone around her owes her this respite and should help her. That may be true after forced pregnancies but it was not true when she decided to have her daughter. BEING a paragon looks better in theory than living it day to day.
Also most states have Brain Injury Services that provides caseworkers to connect people with available services and options. I worked at a nursing home when a couple brought their daughter who had been born with only a brain stem. Only autonomic function. She was 30+ years old they had cared for her her entire life. She had some further health issues and had basically been brought in for end of life care. State funded facility. She lived another couple of years and was doted on by her nurses aides.
It is none of our responsibility or choice but the rest of us will have to pay for it and more and more as tech lengthens the lives of more people. We cannot afford it and the fact is. The choice to do this is selfish though we don't see it that way. We have made a virtue out of stagnating or sabotaging the human race by creating suboptimal humans.
THIS!! Thank you so much for saying what nobody is willing to say out loud. It has only been in the last few generations people have been expected to keep their extremely disabled relatives at home. Prior to that, the extremely disabled - if they were unfortunately birthed or kept alive with extraordinary measures - were kept in institutions, thereby permitting their families to focus on their own lives and other, healthy children. I CANNOT understand willfully giving birth to a child KNOWN to have crippling disabilities that will prevent the offspring, if born, from ever having a meaningful life, and possibly removing the chance for their potential healthy siblings to receive the care and attention they need to grow into self-sufficient adults. Mind-boggling!
why didn't you get much assistance? There is SSI there is state welfare, food stamps WIC, if unemployed Medicade THOSE ARE JUST ASSISTANCE PROGRAMS corse you can apply for water electric and gas bills to be payed NOW what about child support and HUD honestly people live better life's off government. Aide than those who dont
The gov is us. These people and there are a LOT of them that make choices that will affect your pocket and your kids and grandkids.pocket...high cost of insurance, social services, property taxes, residential homes..we pay for all of that. WHAT is a single families choice becomes a nation's financial/moral burden and dilemma. In the meantime, we all must accommodate and help them in their "choices" without any choice of our own.