Mom Abandons 11 Y.O. After One Tantrum, He Ruins Her Engagement Party 6 Years Later
Family dynamics are as varied and diverse as are relationships in general. While it is impossible to master them, you can definitely still try to at least get good at it.
Still, we have stories like this one surfacing of kids being effectively abandoned because teenagers are a whole ecosystem in and of itself and parents are just done with it.
Parenting is one of those “jobs” that are definitely above the pay grade of… well, any position
Image credits: NomadSoul1 (not the actual photo)
So, when things hit the fan, expect anything. Even if it is abandonment and then inevitably ruining your mom’s engagement party
Image credits: Pressmaster (not the actual photo)
Image source: UnlikelyAd5151
Because the story is so layered, both sides can be considered at fault and not at all depending on your perspective
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
We’ll let the story speak for itself, but the gist is that parents have a kid, parents divorce, one day the kid has a teenage angst fueled fallout with the mom who takes him to the dad and essentially leaves him there and keeps on living her life as normal.
One day, the mom’s organizing an engagement party with her new hubby and the kid, now 6 years older at 17, confronts her about it all and effectively ruins it.
And this is where commenters start saying “this is above the pay grade of this sub.” The official flair says that OP is not in the wrong, but opinions varied wildly with OP not being a jerk to everyone being one to nobody being at fault.
Needless to say, studies show abandonment and similar issues have a huge impact on children’s development
Image creidts: David Garrison (not the actual photo)
There’s a study that sought to identify whether rejection, abandonment and neglect trigger things like shame and guilt in adolescence. Through a series of tests, the researchers concluded among several things that parental rejection was responsible for greater feelings of guilt, but not shame.
Though, it is important to note that trauma in general was a factor that showed an increase of intensity of shame and guilt. The environment was another crucial factor as to how much of these feelings are there because parents have the power to shape the moral emotions and can actually induce feelings of guilt and shame.
Other implications of abandonment include fear of giving too much in relationships, pushing people away to avoid rejection, people pleasing, feelings of insecurity in intimate relationships, necessity for reassurance, among many others. Mental health professionals like therapists and counselors can help with this.
So, what are your thoughts on any of this? Share your takes and stories in the comment section below!
People’s opinions varied wildly, with reasons pointing at nobody being a jerk to everyone being one to particular people being in the wrong
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Adults have feelings, too. I actually feel for the mom here - anything she did was wrong in her son's critical eyes. This woman was trying to pick herself up after a divorce (and her ex doesn't sound like a peach) and likely had a breakdown after her son's vicious outburst. Good for her for picking her life up, hope she never deals with this prick again.
Agreed. She never abandoned him. He wished to live with his dad and his wish was fullfilled. He still spend the weekends with her and by what it sounds, she tried to make it comfortable and fun for him… Only that he was never satisfied with her. When she was a helicoper mom, he hated her. Then she again catered to him and tried to be the „fun“ mom. He wasn‘t satisfied. He never apologized to her, he never asked if he could return back to live with her. Just because you‘re a child, it‘s not like you can treat humans like that.
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Is no one going to talk about the two girls? His issues with his mom are one thing, but you do NOT go and verbally attack two innocent children.
Are you surprised though? He sounds insufferable already. He got what he wanted and decided it was his mom's fault he didn't want it anymore, not that he ever told her so that she could have him back to live with her. He then got upset because she couldn't read his mind so he decided to ruin her engagement party several years after the fact instead of just talking to her like he should have done in the first place.
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What a horrible kid. He said he hated her and wanted to live with his dad - he got what he wanted. Hope she cuts the brat out of her life.
I honestly think that the father is responsible for the sons attitude. The dad says the mother "had it coming after abandoning her child". I see parental alienation quite a lot in my work - and this is what it looks like. One parent works subtlety on reducing the worth and value of the other parent. Over time, the child sees it as their parent (the mother in this case) failing them and the child will choose the other parent. The father (in this case) has then convinced the child that he was "abandoned" and the father's girlfriend helps by saying he was "dumped" on them i.e. unwanted by the father and the girlfriend. I would not at all be surprised here if the OP's feelings of hatred towards his mother and the view that he was abandoned have been carefully crafted and fostered over many years by his father.
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Is it weird to anyone else that the dad (the mom's ex) went to her engagement party, seemingly with the intent to ruin her day? Like, I can't help but feel like the dad plays a bigger role with how the OP is as a person and treats his mother...
I agree 💯%!!! There's no telling what c**p he's been talking about her over the years!!!
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This us why so many women are opting to not have kids. Society vilifies women for everything as a parent. Where is the smoke for dad even though he said his partner didn't even want him there? He said he wanted to live with dad, okay he learned his first major lesson that things you say can't be taken back and often have consequences. It's something that happens to us all at this age. And again, no mention of apology to his mother. Just escalating behavior. He hasn't grown or matured at all in 6 years either. OP, grow tf up
yeah I don't see anything in there that screams abandonment. There was a divorce, the kid primarily lived with the mother until she passed primary custody over to the father. (whether officially or not). the kid saw the mother on weekends. No abandonment there. He had both parents in his life in some way. Also, the kid is only 17. Sometimes there are things that go on behind the scenes with parents that kids are not aware of. We do not have the whole story here. There could be a million other reasons why the mother had changed the living arrangements.
YTA. He needs to grow up. I dont have enough information but it sounds like the dad is manipulate him to vilify the mom. You can hate we all feel that hate sometimes but it's how we act upon that hate which we can control. His grade fell further but its his mom's fault for leaving no its dads and his own fault. What was he doing to increase his grades? He is immature and is ignoring all his own actions. The parent doesn't do the school work for you. He should have studied alone on his own or some friends. His father doesn't sound responsible if he allowed a comment from the Gf to be said to OP. Does he need to apologize not if he doesn't want or feel the need to but if he doesn't apologize he should leave his mother and her life alone. Stop seeing other people's happiness and want to destroy it only cause you are not happy yourself. Find your own happiness away from your parents and leave them alone. Grow up OP.
Having a child who is young and struggling with these types of outburst that have continued to get worse as he ages I can see the mom's point of view but also the sons. I started therapy for my son AND myself to work on things. So far it's made a big difference for us. My son's father isn't around much and it's hard for kids. I've heard those things so many times but I could never walk away from him like that. However every parent has a point where they just can't keep the fight up. It isn't easy for either. Kid needs therapy so does the mom. It's unfortunate that it got to this point.
The difference is you didn't throw your hands up and let him have his way because it was easier. You actually worked with your kid and sought professional help to work it out. That's what a good parent does. There's a reason parenting is called the hardest job on Earth.
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seems like this guy never aged past 11. His mother didn't abandon him, if he was abandoned he'd have been either homeless or in an orphanage/foster care. He had the privilege of still living with an actual parent with a roof over his head. His mother DID actually still try with him, taking him fun places and whatever. And he only THOUGHT to apologise, but seemingly never did? Then gets mad when his mother finally moves on, and dares to redecorate a room he hasn't lived in for years for her step-daughter? My f*****g god this guy is an awful, jealous, immature little AH.
It was his room on weekends and visits. Are you saying that it's not his room unless he's there every night?
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This kid needs help. He's angry and lashing out and being treated like it's all his fault. He had issues at 11 that weren't addressed and now his family wonders why he's behaving so badly. They all need counseling.
Yeah I am more than marginally concerned that people are ascribing adult rationale to a literal child. Everyone failed to teach this kid how to emotionally regulate, and he's now lashing-out and emotionally unstable. Also, telling the kid that the mother having a breakdown was his fault is very presumptuous; the kid may have been the last straw in a long list of unrelated items. It's not an 11 year old's job to regulate his mother's emotional state.
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I love how dad's getting a free pass in all of this. No one's accusing him if abandoning his child when HE was her weekend dad with a girlfriend. But let mom giver her kid EXACTLY what he demanded from her and she's suddenly the villain. This is actually one of the signs of parental alienation, and I've gone thru it. I divorced an abusive cheating husband after all the kids had moved out on their own. Up to that point my kids and I had an amazing relationship. Dad had a girlfriend and was. Living with her before we even had the first court hearing. I waited a year after the divorce before I even thought about dating. Guess who the kids side with? Not mom! I was accused of cheating because two years after the divorce was final I had a boyfriend while dad was in his third love in girlfriend.
I think part of why we see little blame being put on the father is that we live in a society that has practically normalized the idea of a fathers making mistakes while simultaneously vilifying a mother if she makes even one. I honestly wonder if both mom and dad came from broken homes as well. Adults are the product of their own parents and the community that surrounds them during their formative years. If all a person grows up learning is bad parenting skills, they are likely to be bad parents as well.
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I think the part I am most stuck on is the son saying this one incident drastically changed their relationship. Everyone seems to assume it was a pattern of behavior but if mom was so emotionally vulnerable that she could have taken that comment to heart so much. Think a person struggling with depression, divorces husband, probably feels so much love for her child who says something nasty to her. It feels like his nasty comment could have confirmed her worst fear/negative self talk. I think we don’t quite have a deep enough understanding of what either of them were truly experiencing. I’m also stuck on everyone ignoring that this child FEELS abandoned. I understand mom stayed in his life but how he feels is relevant. He wanted his mom in his life more, like how it was before. Why is it on the 11 yo to take responsibility and mend the relationship? Yes, he should apologize and explain that he didn’t mean it, but he needs to be taught that. I don’t view this woman as some kind (cont)
Of saint for rebuilding her life after her son made a nasty comment to her. I judge her for not sitting back down with her son when they were not in the heat of the moment to talk about what he said, why he said it, and if he truly wants to live with dad. Everyone is saying he got what he asked for, but that’s c**p. There are reasons adults need to help guide children’s decision making. Maybe his mom didn’t “abandon” him like how you all are defining it but she sure gave up on him. Everyone is misreading the “fun” comment. He said she tried to be the “fun” parent and this included letting him do what he wanted. It sounds like she stopped caring and it sounds like the son felt that. I think both are the AH but I think more importantly, both are hurt and mom should have been the adult to try to mend the relationship. She absolutely moved on like everyone is saying but no one seems to care how that made the kid feel. Of course the son shouldn’t have said any of this at the engagement party and bring the daughters into it was wrong. And, mom was also quite wrong in how she handled all of this with her son. I really think as painful as it is the son needs to move on because the mom already did. But how she treated him will affect his future relationships too… it’s a sad situation but please quite judging the child when there was a full fledged adult on the other side of this.
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Mom, instead of therapy as her and her kid's relationship unravels to address difficulties and unresolved feelings from her and dad's split, signs thing over to dad and becomes weekend mom. Dad, upset he can no longer be weekend dad and resentful of having to become full time dad, let's go walk on, bully and verbally abuse kid and feel unwelcome in the only home he has left. Kid refuses to entertain more than a passing though he may have taken things too far with mom, much less apologize for it and then puts mom in a damned if she does/damned if she doesn't situation: she overs and is a decent mom, she's a controlling b***h. She is fun during the weekends together, still not good enough. He keeps throwing fits and then publicly humiliates her and stepfamily who did NOTHING to him personally. ESH and everyone needs therapy. Parents are NOT PERFECT. They are humans. But they are ALSO the adults and the ones who are SUPPOSED to lead. But kids ALSO can learn what is ok/not ok to say/do.
💯 charity. There are moments where parents need to “take charge” and those moments didn’t happen. I think everyone in this situation needs therapy. Parents are not perfect, but children really need those moments of their parents taking control over a situation instead of letting a child make extremely huge decisions on their own. Both parents in this situation have been very inexperienced and should’ve came to a common resolution and consistency in discipline and accountability. Both parents should’ve co parented and given consistent reinforcement and modeling. It sounds like whatever grievances they had with each other ended up a reflection in their child and that both parents just gave up when the child pushed back and didn’t discipline or create a structure. Giving a child what they want, again isn’t structure or caving in. All children push back boundaries and test, sounds like both parents caved in because discipline was too hard and they were unprepared for the challenges of being a parent. A lot of commenters apparently think raising kids is like training dogs, dogs usually get things and stay trained, kids test boundaries repeatedly over and over. They need constant reinforcements over their entire lives about boundaries. Especially kids who having “challenging temperaments” and there’s 4 kinds of temperaments with children. There’s easy-going, slow to warm up, challenging and mixed category. Challenging temperaments continue to challenge *. Boundaries and difficult complex concepts are not fully understood until teenager years. Children before puberty have a more black/and white, and see things as more literal, and have a less complex understanding of the world and struggle with abstract concepts and perspectives, and struggle with ego-centric perspectives.
Load More Replies... He's NTA, but he is a wounded kid looking to put blame on everyone else for his actions. His wounds started by having an unstable dad, probably leading to the divorce. No parent will ever be perfect. But she sounds like she was an attentive mom with no support from a lazy father. And young boys need a male role model. (Yes, I'm old school. I've also been a teacher for 30+ years and see this exact scenario play out over and over.) I'm going to bet she begged dad to help get him on track and dad couldn't be bothered. And if a kid is getting out of control, a single mom's options are limited. Was it the best way to handle it? In hindsight, with limited info, no. Counseling, a sit down chat, meetings at school, and relatives' support should happen before taking such drastic measures. But if she was already concerned he'd cause a scene at the party, then likely he's had a lifelong pattern of it, probably a trait his father has. And he clearly needs counseling and some perspective change.
He fails to realize that what he views as ruining his mom's party was probably better described as ruining the attendants' views of him forever.
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Children of divorce need to have therapy, someone all their own to talk to about what is happening to them and how to deal with things. Had OP been put in therapy, I think this situation would not have occurred. Children are the VICTIMS of their parent's divorce.
Children are the victims of their parents, period. We all have something we need therapy for. We all have something we wish our parents had done better. But most of us don't lash out like this to try and ruin our parents' social events...
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ESH. Op's mom wasn't exactly perfect parent, and OP is not to blame for everything what happened. Parent won't give up their kid after some bad grades and one fight, I feel that there was more issues. OP was 11, I don't expect him to think like an adult., however he's not saint either. Him lashing out won't fix it. I understand that seeing his mom parenting other kids would make him feel jealous and unwanted, but he's treating his stepsisters terribly, like it would accomplish something. Making scene at engagement party is uncalled for. Both OP and his mom are terrible at communication. They need to calm down, sit and talk.
If he told his mom he wanted to come back I would have agreed with this comment or if his mom never tried to reconnect with him. But what I'm getting is he never told her (otherwise he would have mentioned it) and when his mom tried to reconnect with him by doing fun things with him over the weekend he continued to push her away. Do you blame her for thinking he wanted nothing to do with her?
Load More Replies... Any family therapist knows that the problem child isn't the problem. Have to say I feel some sympathy for the OP. Sounds like he may have been acting out on behalf of an already fractured family and got labelled as the problem, passed between two parents, neither of whom seemed to want to put in the work to help him move forward in a good way. Obviously not good to keep acting out his feelings like that, but the hurt child is visible for them all to see.
They’re not the A*****e, and here’s why. It sounds like he wasn’t introduced to consequences early in life, his mom literally gave him away because he wanted to live with his dad and it seemed like his dad also let him roam free, some children have temperaments that are “challenging”, and it sounds like after divorce he felt very displaced and took aggression out on his mother. At this point there should’ve been intervention. If a parent has weak arms, they don’t provide proper security and structure for a child’s essential growth. Child easily learns that if he acts out he gets his way, either way mother and father in this situation seemed to just cave in and NEVER GAVE STRUCTURE, no wonder he was constantly feeling displaced after divorce, parents are the a******s giving your kid whatever they want or just letting them reign free with obvious behavioral problems and not getting them therapy is NEGLECT. This child has learned to use aggression as a form of control and getting their needs met, which has turned into bad behaviors, because no one helped him learn how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Parents are co-regulators who teach how to deal with feelings that lead to behaviors. This child has learned maladaptive behaviors to get needs met, and it has gone UNHELPED and hence snowballed.
It sounds more like daddy sabotaging the attempts of the mother to teach their son consequences. A divorced parent can be extremely sabotaging in the upbringing of the child. In his comments he lets it drop how his dad regularly agreed with him and was overall the lenient parent, and he blames his mother for normal parenting, including giving house arrest for not doing his homework and trying to make him take responsibility for his schoolwork. That's why he wanted to live with dad. I think 'helicopterparent' is a big word for a teen/preteen to say, but it would be exactly what a lenient and dismissive father would say who doesn't like how his ex wife is trying to instill values in their son. I can imagine him also saying things like loosen up a bit or boys will be boys. I fully agree with you that this child has learned maladaptive behaviours, but reading his comments on Reddit it seems that's not his moms fault, but his dad feeding him c**p. He wrote it, and doesn't even realise.
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This is coming from a child of divorced parents: YTA and sound like a spoiled brat, to be honest. It sounds like you are leaving a lot out, as your mother did not just up and drop you off. This wasn't a one off, this was the last straw and you broke her. Good for her for getting on with her life and going back to school. You broke her. You did this, not her. Seek therapy immediately.
Unless you have been abandoned by a parent, father or mother - and you are a child of divorced parents in my opinion you have no experience with which to comment. An 11 year old is still a very young child that needs boundaries, patience and love. If we all took our children seriously they would all be abandoned. The mother should have taken a step back or had the father support her in a conversation with the child. I was abandoned by both parents, my father when 18 months old, and essentially my mother from her absence from age 6. My older brother was my support. There is no excuse for either of these parents behaviour allowing third parties like the father's girlfriend stating 'he was dumped on them' or the 'new family's' emotion putting guilt on a teen. They have no say. The father and mother should have addressed the immediate situation to prevent future inappropriate timing outbursts. As the mother had custody one would ask why there was trouble at school. Step up mom & dad! Divorce is terrible and any so called trouble the child is experiencing is directly associated to your behaviours. If you have children, step up for all of them!
Since you invited me to comment, I'll comment. I was actually abandoned by my birth parents and my adopted ones had a divorce. It was a messy divorce with screaming and yelling. I was never, ever that nasty to my parents. Both of them got remarried. Both parents had children again. Didn't decide my siblings were a problem. The father is clearly toxic and the son appears to be mirroring his toxicity. At no point does the mother say she hates her son or anything; all of that was the kid creating. Therapy isn't going to help yet. For one, therapy likely requires both parents to agree and for two one parent is actively encouraging the toxic.
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You are a spoiled rotten little brat. You can't talk to your mom and treat her that way and not expect repercussions! She was trying her best and obviously even put her life on hold in order to take care of you and be a good parent. (obvious from the fact that she continued her education in order to better herself after you were gone, something she put on hold while parenting you) You treated her like c**p, said not so nice things and she called your bluff. Now you have to live with that. I don't know if an apology will even make a difference already. She did not abandon you, she gave you exactly what you asked for. Suck it up buttercup and shame on you for showing your true colors at what should have been a special day for her. I don't blame her if she never has anything to do with you again.
You say "typical behaviour" telling your mother you hate her and want to live with your dad is NOT typical. I was a single mum and my son never ever said anything like that to me. That would have broken her heart after all she had obviously given up for you. You sound like a spoiled brat that wants to take zero responsibility. Your mother was obviously really young 18 when she had you. You lived with her...she had custody...have you called your dad out for "abandoning you" If you wanted to live with him she allowed it and got on with her schooling - remembering she would have had to forgo all of that when she had you! Good on her for trying to better herself. You are absolutely the a*****e. If you want to save your relationship with your mother you need to apologise and stop being so entitled. She also has a right to be happy.
I had bad abandonment issues (sometimes still do) because of *ahem* true abandonment by my father. One, single time when I was probably 17, I screamed at my mom that I hated her. Then I immediately starting bawling and apologizing because I knew instantly that I crossed the line and that was a total lie. I am 35 now, have a great relationship with my mom and stepdad and am still in therapy (don’t worry). Accountability exists, regardless of age. The best accountability probably comes from within…
Load More Replies... The dad says the mother "had it coming after abandoning her child". I might be reading into it, but I see parental alienation quite a lot in my work - and this is exactly what it looks like. One parent works subtlety on reducing the worth and value of the other parent. Over time, the child sees it as their parent (the mother in this case) failing them and the child will choose the other parent. The father (in this case) has then convinced the child that he was "abandoned" and the father's girlfriend helps by saying he was "dumped" on them i.e. unwanted by the father and the girlfriend. I suspect the OP's feelings that he has been abandoned have been carefully crafted and fostered over many years by his father. OP is now almost an adult. Angry teens are very very difficult get through to and the mother may have to wait now until he is an adult capable of wrestling with some very big feelings and perceptions. I hope they get some therapy and work through it.
If this kid is asking for honest feedback, there might be hope for him and his future. If he's sharing this to try to win an argument (perhaps with himself?) then he's probably doomed to a life of misery. I sure hope he can get the help he needs to find a better path through life.
I bet his father encouraged him to make the post for the latter reason 😂 Toxic…tada!
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I hope this young man gets therapy and the emotional support he needs to heal and be able to move forward into living his own life happily and productively. An unstable childhood can really do a number on you for your whole adult life.
OP is an ah because he ruined the engagement party. That was not the place and the moment to talk about this issue. But OP is also a broken kid that needs a lot of counseling and address his anger issues before he riuns his future life.
While I agree OP did not handle it well, it doesn't sound like his mom is any more mature than he was. She allowed an eleven-year-old to make decisions. You don't just give up on your kids, and I wouldn't be surprised if her stepkids are a "do over" so she can "get it right this time". Expecting an eleven-year-old to have the maturity of an adult is outrageous. Also, why did she not have OP in therapy if his behavior was so bad? Or take him to be evaluated?
The woman's dealing with a divorce from a husband that sounds like a lost and dealing with a bratty kid. Her mental health was likely suffering and the kid's behaviour was the tipping point. It's just another classic case of blaming the mother for everything when the father didn't even want him either.
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i don’t understand how ya’ll in the comments are just calling OP an a*****e and a brat and stuff when he and probably the rest of the family have needed therapy and they DEFINITELY need it now. a divorce sounds pretty traumatic and none of the parties involved, possibly excluding the father, were in the right headspace for the events that occurred, which they shouldn’t be held entirely accountable for because
mental health is IMPORTANT and everyone has feelings and i don’t think some of ya’ll here understand that, with the way you’re acting. also, OP was a CHILD when the fight went down and he shouldn’t be expected to act as maturely as the adult in this situation. however, i do agree that many things he did were upsetting and harmful to his mother.
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To a lot of commenters, I say "YTA". I have been told by my young daughter that she hates me and wishes that she was not a part of my family. Instead of abandoning her, I reminded her that I love her unconditionally and enrolled her in counseling. I didn't dump her off on my ex. When you experience trauma such as abandonment at a young age it affects your emotional development. Have some compassion people. Kid (and you are still a kid), you are "NTA". Also, get some help. Don't let your mom mess up your future relationships.
I totally get this kid, and I’m slightly disgusted in peoples comments towards him, I had something similar happen at 11, looking back WITH therapy, all those actions and outbursts are normal for child who was abandoned quite a critical age, the age where you’re kinda finally getting a feel for routines and coming of age into pre adult hood, it’s not a good time to be dumped. It turned out well for me because instead of trying to make a relationship with them, I did what the first commenter from reddit did, realise it’s just ‘you’ who has your back and work with it. It’s an asset.
The only thing I would really fault the mom for in all of it is turning his room into one of the girls room. Is he suppose to hang from the ceiling like a bat? Sent that message loud and clear without uttering a word You are not welcome here and will never be part of this family.
Esh. I think you are a good candidate for family therapy with your mother. Ask her for that.
God I hope 99% of the people in these comments never have children. None of you have any f*****g idea what you're talking about. This isn't someone this woman was freaking dating. Her pride did not matter. This was her son. You never give up. Especially when they are still young. Ever. You never give up. But she gave up. He was testing her and she let him win, thus proving to him that he wasn't important enough for her to fight for. Maybe she showed up for her weekends, but she emotionally abandoned him at 11 years old.
Amen. I 100% agree with you. I dont ever comment on BP. But when I saw the comments it definately hit a sore point. From these comments and the poll I can honestly pray hope either none of these people have children or they are simply very misguided.
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A rare ESH, the mom was bad but she clearly at least partially got better, the son took it to far but I can see why
Mom: after some fights, get butthurt over poor articulation and instead of therapy, decides to become weekend mom. Dad: upset and resentful at having to go from weekend dad to full time dad, both joins in trash talking mom and allows gf to bully son verbally and emotionally. Also refuses to get son professional help. Kid: does absolutely NOTHING BUT lashes out at mom, puts her in a damned if she does/ damnded if she doesn't situation and then publicly humiliates her and dragged in stepfamily who did NOTHING to him to deserve the embarrassment. Does say that he may have taken things too far even as a kid, but does not apologize nor does he try to work on himself and continues to lash out. Everyone is crappy here, everyone needs therapy and everyone needs to grow up and take accountability for their own end. Mom may not have legally abandoned kid, but she did mentally and emotionally. Dad did not want to be dad and let others hurt his kid, then put it on mom too. Kid blames mom only. ESH
As someone who was abandoned by my mom, I can assure you he wasn’t abandoned. He still saw her. She still cared. He sounds like a drama king and a liar. He’s a bad son and a bad kid. But, I think it can be mended. He didn’t end up a dumbass like this on his own. It’s the result of the quality of parenting he got. His parents aren’t earning any medals either. His mom is a childish loser for letting him think he got put out over some typical kid comment. And if that is the reason she sent him to his dad, she’s even worse. But also why was he primarily even with his mom? Where was the dad this whole time? This is the type of s**t that happens when teenagers have babies.
I can't believe these YTA comments. At just 11 years old there are less harsh ways to learn that your words have consequences. She could maybe leave the kid with the dad for a couple of weeks and then discuss with him, explain that his words hurt, ask him if he really wants to live with dad, tell him that she really wants him in her life, opt for therapy, act like a good parent? I see that at 29 she grabbed what seemed to her like a second chance to education, dating, starting life over again without having to care for a child. At 18 years old, when she became pregnant, she was old enough to know that the consequence of having unprotected sex is getting pregnant and having a child, whose care is not going to be over during the next couple of months. Of course the father sounds just as bad, but truth is his mom is the one who abandoned him.
You were a child at 11 and you are still growing up at age 17. When you were 11 you were having surges of testosterone E which is a powerful d**g. You mother should have known you were angry due to this and told you sometimes she hated what you did but never hated you. She obviously did not adjust well to being divorced and neither did you. Sometimes we don’t get what we want in this life. Apologize. Talk with her new husband to be about your feelings as he may be more mature than either of your parents. Get a psychologist and see him regularly to address your lack of parental love. Good luck.
This kid needs professional counseling. His mother did exactly what he wanted. She tried during their visits; he didn't like the fun mom or the strict mom. His father seems to have been a crappy parent that didn't do a good job. At least his mom tried. She didn't "abandon" him: she did what she believed he wanted. Parents are people and have a right to live a happy, peaceful and normal life. He's just a miserable, immature little sh1t.
Your mother took you at your word and "let" you live with your father. You seemed to think she should be able to read your mind. Kid, that isn't how it works. You are a total AH. You COULD have tried to be nice - after all YOU insisted on living with your dad and you made your mother cry. You are a jerk. You need to apologize to your mother and her fiancé, don't pull any of this c**p with anyone ever again.
This kid is an absolute PoS! In all likelihood, he's not even telling the full story, because it sounds like this wasn't the first time he treated his mom like c**p, it was probably just the final straw that broke the camel's back. Also, what a freaking AH to blame mom for everything yet apparently dad is fantastic even though he has a s****y girlfriend and acts like taking responsibility for his kid is such as chore. Where's the criticism and animosity towards dad OP? Also, what did the poor girls have to do with your problems with your mom? The girls probably treated her decently, instead of hate her like OP did. I hope OP goes and gets f*****.
You're condemning a literal child. I think you're the problem, here.
Load More Replies... Sorry but he was a child. She clearly resented having a kid since she was one when she had him. I think she wasn’t emotionally available for him and the dad wasn’t as well. The fact she didn’t fight to keep him home AGE 11! Shows she wanted him gone to have her own life. She is now being Suzi homemaker mummy to her fiancé’s kids , how can she feel good about that knowing her own child was abandoned by her then by his dad? I feel so badly for him, he’s only 17, he deserves a parent who will work through the hard teen years but never give up on him. She’s a bad mom , selfish and so is the dad.
This mother should never have had a child. Any adult MUST be the adult and care for their child. Can’t do it, don’t have kids. They are not toys. Any kid at some point says ‘I hate you’. Means it. An adult says ‘I know you do, it’s ok, I still love you.’ If you can’t do that you are not an adult. It’s your job. Full time. Until your kid is an adult. Especially don’t try to replace your child with your stepchild. Of course your’s won’t like it! I hope the kid learns from this and either decides not to have kids or to be a real adult about it. Seems he has no adults in his life and never has.
The father should never have had a child then. The mother still loved him, she got him on the weekends. In fact, he doesn't realise he prefers his mother over his dad, because that's what this is all about. So how can she be the bad parent?
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A soft YTA. Welcome to adulthood OP- behaviour has consequences, yada, yada...Both you & Mum have dirty hands here. My mum was, at times dreadful- vindictive, self-oriented, abusive, immature. I left home at 16. I've found that when I came to view my parents as flawed people w/ a set of defects & assets, my resentments eased off. Mind you, I still drew boundaries & enforced them, kept a healthy distance, stopped expecting them to change, etc( I'm not a "closure" adherent.) I gradually accepted the situation & freed myself. It's important to note that I'm in my 60s now- it was a process. Good luck OP, Godspeed.
No point in calling either of you the AH, doing so doesn't help anything. Both of you made mistakes, both of you were treated unwisely by the other. Vindicating yourself accomplishes what? Both of you need to accept you made mistakes, apologize, sincerely, and move towards building a future positive relationship rather than faulting and blaming the other for the past. That does nothing constructive. People make mistakes. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with life rather than living in the past. Learn from your mistakes, and other's.
OP sounds like a complete s**t. He acted up and said he wanted to live with the dad, so he did. That is not being abandoned, does he say his dad abandoned him all the years prior to living with him? No, so why is the exact same arrangement but reversed the mum 'abandoning' him. He didn't like strict, he didn't like it when she was chill. He was rude to the sisters and thought his old room should stay in some kind of stasis. He then thought the party was the place to air all of the grievances he's invented in his head. He sounds like an insufferable little prick and on track to turn into a real peice of s**t adult
People calling this child a monster are completely out of their minds! He is still a child and his dad should have help him manage his emotions when he was left with him instead of having a girlfriend that make him feel like he was dumped. What he did was so inappropriate, but any child in need of attention from their parents will act our, both of them should've known that and act accordingly to prevent him from lashing out in any way. All 3 of you need to go to therapy, not just put it on the child! He is too immature to understand that his parents were doing their best even is they were doing it wrong. And come on! We all have hold our parents accountable to a standard that we had no idea was so difficult to uphold until we became parents ourselves!
First off, being a kid doesn't automatically mean someone else is responsible for your actions (unless they're manipulating you). She's the more mature one, sure, but the mature way to deal with a fight is to -disengage- and then try to talk it out when you're both calmer. She did that! It's not like she never saw him again! Second, if either parent is to blame, it's the father.... Mom wasn't telling the kid what a bad parent dad was or that his dad abandoned him. But look what happened when dad took over parenting (which was as much his responsibility as hers regardless).
The commenter JOPIE is TOTALLY the rotten kid who was the op! He’s posting on here to comment and you can tell it’s him full of jealousy that his mom has a great relationship with her step daughters! See? He writes.. “Mother did not understand why he was upset that she gave his room to the sweet little new replace him daughter. Luckily his dad cares about him now.” This is DEFINITELY him.
Dad and son deserve each other as neither is willing to take responsibility for their own actions. Kid turned out like s**t and blames mom and dad blames mom too because how could it be their own damn faults?? Mom loved you and gave you guidance and attention and you resent that but after you threw it in her face and it was gone you couldn’t manage your life. You’re a disgusting entitled little brat, your dad is a disgrace and I’m glad she’s mostly rid of both of you and the trauma she didn’t deserve. Shouldn’t your life be better now that you run it with the support of dear old dad? You didn’t appreciate what you had and now what you had belongs instead to two lovely daughters for your mom. All you can do now is watch an regret. Maybe at 11 you aren’t as responsible for your words but you’re not 11 and you’re STILL an entitled, toxic little jerk and that’s only your fault dummy.
So,I agree that the mom couldn't win in this situation. She was being a parent to her child, and he didn't like that. My only problem is that the mom listened to her son. He was 10/11 he's a child, he doesn't make the rules. As a parent myself who is no longer together w/ my daughters father, It's never been an option or thought too send her to her dad's when she's upset. What about parents that are still together. They go through this as well, and they have to deal with their child. It's called parenting, and it is freaking hard. I don't agree with the son feeling sorry for himself now, because I'm sure he made life incredibly hard for his mom, I am sure it stings to see her happy relationship w/ her fiancee daughters. If they both want a relationship they need counseling. No parent is perfect, and the blame can't be put solely on the mother. Parenting is just freaking hard, and you don't know that until you are one.
It's different in this case: he -asked- to go. What was she going to do, tell him he can't see his father?
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There have been interesting thoughts, however, some comments could have been said by some who had a good family relations, others the opposite, therefore I feel that would make some important differences, my example, growing up in a pathetic home, but thinking back to being about eleven, I doubt I could have done much better, depending on the situation, i consider the age, as being too young, to deal with that situation and make any important decision, much too young, the mother should have known that, the mother was the adult, should have handled the situation differently, give the boy, time to cool down, before bringing him to dad. !!!
I feel for the mom especially, as I now realize what I put my parents through.Hell! As a former problem child myself,I said terrible, terrible things. And they weren't even the reason I was so angry and out of control. I've been on the receiving end of it too. So I have a pretty good idea of how she felt. Being told you are hated, and seeing the spite in the eyes of someone you love so much and have worked so hard to raise........ The wounds inflicted are profound. Even if, (you know) that they were only said in anger it still hurts! I also feel bad for the kid. It seems his dad, whether intentionally or not, basically groomed him into hating his mom. An impressible mind being fed his Dad's bitterness. And if he doesn't get help, the hate will continue to rule his life. Eventually to destroy it. That said, I don't know that I would have reached that point with an 11-year-old. Although it's a tad unfair to say that, as we really don't have enough background. This poor family 😭
I understand your hurt, and obviously your mum was hurt when you told her you hated her and you didnt want to live with her anymore. Kids say these things to their parent’s face or behind their back. Either way it’s not always meant to be true, but it’s one of those in the moment things, and kids or teens don't always consider the consequences. I have 4 boys and one girl, all older now, but I went through these times, and other stressful moments, but never gave up on my kids. Their dad passed, so I had to deal with those days. But thats just it, they are days or moments, where the kid will get over it, and mom & sons relationship is ok after talking, It usually works itself out. Sounds like his mom was just tired of trying to take care of a normal teen, and stressed that she didn't know what else to do except throw him over to dad. Then she got comfortable with it, and left it at that. Mom needs to fix her relationship with her son first. Before inviting new kids in.
VERY, VERY much YTA. I would have disowned the brat then and there, in public.
This kid sounds like a total brat and I feel bad for his mom. He was mad that his mom actually made him put the work into school to get good grades by doing his homework and doing it properly. He was mad that he had to eat a nutritious diet rather then junk. He was mad he had a bedtime. Then he said something really horrible (on top of the other s**t he'd been saying to her) and that he wanted to live with his dad. Suddenly his grades drop because he isn't putting the work in and it's her fault. She's being the fun weekend parent he wanted her to be with takeout and fun outings and that's not right either. Honestly, I wouldn't blame the mom for leaving him, he sounds awful and I know it's an unpopular opinion but sometimes kids just can't be helped. Sounds like OP is one of those kids
The son obviously had some serious problems. And moms do like to feel loved. However, I had a teenager that went through a very bad, aggressive, verbally abusive stage. I stuck with her, and did not send her off to live with someone else. She is now a wonderful adult and one of my best friends. He needs some counseling and to learn how to get along better, but mom needs some serious thinking about what it means to dump a child.
I think kids forget that adults have feelings and he even said it broke her. I don't believe it was just one instance at all. He got what he asked for and learned that he can't just give out horrible behaviour to his mum and be let off. She was still trying with him at weekends and tried her best and he still didn't like that either. Making a point of going to the party to ruin it and judge her for daring to love some other kids too is just another thing that makes him TA and a little brat. I'm glad she left him there. 17 and still hadn't learned a Damn thing. And this is coming from someone who depression all their life as a child and social anxiety. I made my mums life hell for a few years until I got help and if there's one thing that brings me unbearable pain it's thinking of that and how I made her feel.
At first I was gonna go with ESH but the more I think one this I feel the OP is AH here. I don't think it was just the 1 time he had this blow at 11 with his Mom and then she just drops him off at the dad's. I feel there is more to this story. And it didn't sound like he ever apologized for any of the things his said or did. And I'm sorry 11 is old enough to know that saying s**t like that is gonna hurt someone's feelings. And his idea of helicopter parenting is not actual helicopter parenting. Honestly OP needs to apologize to his Mom for all the c**p he has said and done to his Mom. Honestly I'm not surprised that Mom has moved on. OP needs some serious therapy.
Talking out of your a$$ aren't you? 11 years old is NOT old enough to know how to emotionally regulate fully, nor how to totally engage with the world. That's why they're a **child** and not considered an **adult.** Pair that with an emotionally dysfunctional family and you're asking for a mess, but blaming the child for the mess.
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Noone is the AH. Kid you are 17 apologize to your mother. She may not be perfect but she was doing her best to raise you right and yes it is annoying when you can't do what you want when you want well guess what that is never going to change. She didn't abandon you you just never told her how you felt and the misplaced anger has festered for years. Talk to her, apologize, and apologize to your sisters because that's what those little girls are. And no saying you hate her isn't something that can be ignored. Hate is a strong word. I have never told my mom that I hate her and our relationship has been bad for as long as I can remember. Talk to her. Apologize.
He wasn't abandoned. He wanted to live with his dad. She gave him what he wanted. She was still in his life. My mom had a marriage previous to my father. My half-sister would spend some weekends with her father and stayed at home primarily with our mother and my father. It's a shared custody agreement. I doubt it was as "small" as he claimed it to be as an outburst. Honestly, he needs help.
I have a mother who is very much mentally and emotionally abusive. She would yell at me every single day, whether I was actually coming to her for comfort, for help with schoolwork, or didn't even bother her at all, I was treated like I should know better as a teen what things were happening to my mind and body when I wasn't taught ANYTHING, and I was often screamed at for the mistakes my older, neurotypical brother did. The moment I got my first B, it wasn't a "good job" instead of a great job for an A, it was, "You need to talk to your teacher and get your grades up". The moment my body was raging with hormones, it wasn't time to teach me what I'm feeling and the particular consequences that can stem from it, it was "you need to be in everyone's eyeline or they're going home". And now I'm treated like I'm 5 yo. I'm "not allowed", at 31 yo, 6' and heavy, to go out on my own at night without her having a freak out. When I drive a vehicle, I can't be trusted to know what I'm doing.
When we first got the truck we have, I was a little nervous to drive it because it was a new vehicle. Her first question to my father was "DoEs ShE kNoW wHeRe ThE tUrN sIgNaL iS???" when there's only one k**b in the thing. I've never been treated like I'm intelligent by her, except for I should've "known better" when I did something wrong, even though I have my bachelor's now, which wasn't really all that celebrated, even though no one else in the family has one yet, and my associates was totally overshadowed by my brother saying he'd gotten his degree too (which she took at his word, even though we cleared out his room to clean it for him because baby can't do it himself, and it never showed up, a long with him never giving her anything). Lastly, our "girls days" out consisted of her going to get clothing for herself, lunch, and me being the bag girl for her. That was all that every happened. This kid has no f*****g clue what a helicopter not abusive parent is.
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He got what he asked for and regretted it, it's his own fault. He even ruined his mum's engagement party, the absolute piece of $hit
Again, condemning a literal child for behaving like a child. He was 11. He's now 17. You're expecting a child to make adult decisions. That's stupid.
Load More Replies... Wow, I hate to say it, but I can relate. I was the Mom in this story and my son was 14. Things went from hard to horrible and he said all he wanted was to live with his dad. So I picked him up from school with most of his essentials in the car and dropped him at his Dad's. He cried and took it all back and I left him there. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but he had become unsafe around his younger siblings. He was angry with me for years. When he was a bit more mature (24-ish) I was finally able to apologize and tell him my side as the parent. I did that for about 6 years before he finally understood and accepted my apology and quit being so very angry. We have come a long way in the last 5 years and our relationship is slowly healing. It will never be normal. This kid is 17, almost a legal adult, but far from being grown up. He is carrying baggage from years ago and is still throwing temper tantrums. She needs to keep him at arm's length from her marriage and stepkids for now.
I suspect your mother made mistakes when younger & was strict to try to get you on a good path. She apparently didn't complete her schooling when younger & ended up pushing herself later to finish school & better herself. You seem to resent even that. And she never abandoned you. She continued seeing you on the weekends & seemingly tried to lighten up on her attitude as being a more involved parent ended up with you breaking her heart. And you didn't appreciate that anymore than the other method. Then, you ruin her engagement party because you're a spoiled mean brat. Yes, she bears some responsibility for that. As does your father. Had this not happened on the cusp of adulthood, I'd be more sympathetic to you but you knew better & still tried, again, to hurt your mother along with two children who had to endure losing their own mother & thought perhaps they were going to be okay because they had someone new to call mom. You're young so I won't say YTA. Better yourself.
Little #@$%$#@% grew up and found out. I'm mad there's another one out there in the wild made by clueless people.
OP, and anyone who doesn't consider him an AH, needs to be on the a*s end of an a*s kicking.
Get help, idiot. This is not his first tantrum either. He's been doing c**p to his mom for a while and I bet "dad"(cough) was part of it. Not only YTA but a BSFA!! Actions have consequences, KID! I know what mom is/was going thru and I've moved on too
Child abandonment is a serious issue. An 11 year old is far too young to be able to regulate their emotions following a divorce and abandonment and a 17 year old is still far too young to affectively work through that trauma alone. At 25 I am currently only able to work through these things because I am finally able to afford therapy for myself, what makes people think a child with an underdeveloped brain is capable of doing so on their own? Abandonment can cause severe issues in children, personally my mother abandoning me was the most likely catalyst for my BPD which, big surprise, causes severe anxiety surrounding abandonment and a tendency to lash out and push others away when untreated. We are all responsible for our own actions and it is presumptuous for me to say that this child could be suffering from the same thing, but no child who is abandoned comes out as a fully functioning adult without help (disorder or no disorder), and it doesn't sound like this kid is getting it.
Right, but this kid -wasn't- truly abandoned: that's just what his dad told him because he didn't want to step up and be an actual parent. Mom was still as much a part of his life as he'd allow.
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Single mom here. I have 3 kids and I really struggle with one of them who (is ADHD and doesn’t want to do ANYTHING that’s “too hard”.) Luckily we love each other and laugh a lot and work through our feelings, but if he treated me the same way it sounds like you treated your single mother when she tried to get you to do basic human responsibility things, I too would say, “Go ahead, live with your dad if you hate me and my efforts so much.” If Dad is a loser who can’t keep a job or parent, that is on HIM. Quit blaming adolescence and your mother for your poor behavior, and quit blaming your mother for your father's inability to adult. YTA, maybe ESH, but you’re the bigger AH.
I am a mom AND have a master's in childhood development, but honestly can't give better answers than some of the comments that I've seen already. Think about it--- your mom was your age when she had you. She loved & cared for you for 12 years, although you didn't make it easy. It would BREAK MY HEART if one of my children said they hated me! You never apologized, which could've fixed it all. I'm sure your dad talked smack about her, which made you feel justified in ambushing her happiness. He even went with you! HE is TA here, but YOU are the one who hurt her. You are responsible for your actions. You need to tell her how you feel so you can repair your relationship before it's too late! She must be a kind lady, especially for loving 2 little girls who probably appreciate what you didn't. You're a man now----be a better one than your father is.
From someone with a Masters in childhood development, you should understand that age 11 they are not responsible emotionally for such actions. And at age 17 at the time of the engagement party built up emotional trauma plays out if not addressed sooner. This whole comment is uneducated. A man, at 17... I think not. I have a 12 and 17 year old currently. Read more! Your comment is gross especially from a so called professional.
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Both are the a*s. Mother for abandoning her kid n moving on from them. But OP for not trying to reconcile n work things out sooner. Also for the party stunt. The 2 girls arent a part of your hurt with your mom so they shouldnt be attacked. I recommend family therapy for OP n mom.
Wow, the mom sounds like a saint. Despite OP telling her he hated her, she still tried to be a fun parent on weekends. But OP hated that, too, never noticing that she was reaching out (without demanding an apology) by trying to be fun, ordering takeout and letting him do what he wanted instead of being a "helicopter parent." All the OP can think about is himself, as he stews in his own resentment. What a nasty piece of work. YTA! If she weren't already engaged, I'd be asking her out because she seems warm. compassionate and together. A great person. I hope I meet a single version of that. She has it all. YTA
He isn't an a-hole. He is a whiny little, blame mommy for everything, take no responsibility for his own actions b***h. I was actually abandoned by a parent. This is not that and screw him for even comparing getting what he wanted when he said go away to being ditched by a parent. He is also a liar. One incident? BOOLSHEET. I had "one incident" of saying I hate you to my mom....she knew something was really wrong because I would never say something like that, raced to my side and helped me. I do not believe he said it once. I think he said it until she believed it.
YTA. I wanted so much to be on OP's side. But he complained about her parenting. Demanded she leave him to his father. She does exactly what he wanted. She didn't abandon him, she gave him what he wanted. His father was a POS. Surprise. That's why they divorced and you had been living with her. She stayed in your life (how else were you spending time with her). She also changed her behavior to be less involved and less helicoptery per your complaint. But yes, she moved on, found children who actually gave a flying **** about her and wanted her in their lives. The empty room got used out of necessity. And then you threw a public tantrum. Your parents suck. No question. You're a POS yourself but that's just partially a result of them sucking. But waiting until you had an audience to address your complaints rather than air them when you first have them? Never giving them an opportunity to address them in private first? Yeah. That makes you 100% the AH.
Due to the fact that they are divorced it’s a tough situation the dad has his own place and is living what’s left of his life after divorce and suddenly he’s a full time single parent . Now by law that’s right neither parent gave up that right until she dropped him off at the dad’s house . But this is due to a preteen throwing a temper tantrum in which he actually gets his way ! There’s no mention of a phone call “ hay so and sos acting up and wants to live with you ! By allowing her decision to be made by the child it threw off countless lives . Who hasn’t had a chills say that and worse to try and get their way ? Did it work ? Think of it they probably had visiting days set up where they exchanged the child and current info to each other . The only positive part about it is that mom actually did something with her time to better herself . Dad in the other hand was probably just getting his life together , it doesn’t say . Other than work his life changed !
I CAN NOT BELIEVE people are saying YTA. I mean, how he handled the party maybe he was the a*****e for that, but who cares? This b***h had a kid blurt out in anger he didn't want to live with her. And instead of finding out if he were serious or just venting, she was like, "Yes!!! Now I get to go be free and have a real life. And that'll show that little a*****e. He'll never, ever have an outburst ever again in his life. I will punish him beyond all reason, and just abandon him to his Dad's" I don't know what you call that - vengeance - or what, but that Mom is a piece of work and doesn't deserve any good thing in her life.
Big NTA right now, the kid was literally kicked out of the house. YOU DONT KICK AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. The dads girlfriend hated OP, and dad didn't have enough money for most things. So it sounds like the mom is a petty cr@p and OP was very justified.
🤨 you do realize that this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, right? Mom didn't kick him out, she gave him what he wanted and he didn't like it. Sounds like he's learning the consequences of his actions and he hates it.
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She didn't wipe him out of her life and never look back, she still had him at weekends and adopted a more relaxed parenting style, which the boy also rejected. It was three years before she started dating again; what was she supposed to do? Live like a nun?
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He wasn't abandoned just like his Dad didn't abandon him when his mom had full custody of him. He just didn't want his mom to care too much, calling it helicopter parenting. I bet he was giving his mom too much grief and that telling her he hated her was the last straw. No one was abandoned, they just switched custody arrangements. She still got him on the weekends. The kid didn't even apologize knowing he broke his mom when he said all those mean things. What a brat.
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Adults have feelings, too. I actually feel for the mom here - anything she did was wrong in her son's critical eyes. This woman was trying to pick herself up after a divorce (and her ex doesn't sound like a peach) and likely had a breakdown after her son's vicious outburst. Good for her for picking her life up, hope she never deals with this prick again.
Agreed. She never abandoned him. He wished to live with his dad and his wish was fullfilled. He still spend the weekends with her and by what it sounds, she tried to make it comfortable and fun for him… Only that he was never satisfied with her. When she was a helicoper mom, he hated her. Then she again catered to him and tried to be the „fun“ mom. He wasn‘t satisfied. He never apologized to her, he never asked if he could return back to live with her. Just because you‘re a child, it‘s not like you can treat humans like that.
Load More Replies... Is no one going to talk about the two girls? His issues with his mom are one thing, but you do NOT go and verbally attack two innocent children.
Are you surprised though? He sounds insufferable already. He got what he wanted and decided it was his mom's fault he didn't want it anymore, not that he ever told her so that she could have him back to live with her. He then got upset because she couldn't read his mind so he decided to ruin her engagement party several years after the fact instead of just talking to her like he should have done in the first place.
Load More Replies... What a horrible kid. He said he hated her and wanted to live with his dad - he got what he wanted. Hope she cuts the brat out of her life.
I honestly think that the father is responsible for the sons attitude. The dad says the mother "had it coming after abandoning her child". I see parental alienation quite a lot in my work - and this is what it looks like. One parent works subtlety on reducing the worth and value of the other parent. Over time, the child sees it as their parent (the mother in this case) failing them and the child will choose the other parent. The father (in this case) has then convinced the child that he was "abandoned" and the father's girlfriend helps by saying he was "dumped" on them i.e. unwanted by the father and the girlfriend. I would not at all be surprised here if the OP's feelings of hatred towards his mother and the view that he was abandoned have been carefully crafted and fostered over many years by his father.
Load More Replies... Is it weird to anyone else that the dad (the mom's ex) went to her engagement party, seemingly with the intent to ruin her day? Like, I can't help but feel like the dad plays a bigger role with how the OP is as a person and treats his mother...
I agree 💯%!!! There's no telling what c**p he's been talking about her over the years!!!
Load More Replies... This us why so many women are opting to not have kids. Society vilifies women for everything as a parent. Where is the smoke for dad even though he said his partner didn't even want him there? He said he wanted to live with dad, okay he learned his first major lesson that things you say can't be taken back and often have consequences. It's something that happens to us all at this age. And again, no mention of apology to his mother. Just escalating behavior. He hasn't grown or matured at all in 6 years either. OP, grow tf up
yeah I don't see anything in there that screams abandonment. There was a divorce, the kid primarily lived with the mother until she passed primary custody over to the father. (whether officially or not). the kid saw the mother on weekends. No abandonment there. He had both parents in his life in some way. Also, the kid is only 17. Sometimes there are things that go on behind the scenes with parents that kids are not aware of. We do not have the whole story here. There could be a million other reasons why the mother had changed the living arrangements.
YTA. He needs to grow up. I dont have enough information but it sounds like the dad is manipulate him to vilify the mom. You can hate we all feel that hate sometimes but it's how we act upon that hate which we can control. His grade fell further but its his mom's fault for leaving no its dads and his own fault. What was he doing to increase his grades? He is immature and is ignoring all his own actions. The parent doesn't do the school work for you. He should have studied alone on his own or some friends. His father doesn't sound responsible if he allowed a comment from the Gf to be said to OP. Does he need to apologize not if he doesn't want or feel the need to but if he doesn't apologize he should leave his mother and her life alone. Stop seeing other people's happiness and want to destroy it only cause you are not happy yourself. Find your own happiness away from your parents and leave them alone. Grow up OP.
Having a child who is young and struggling with these types of outburst that have continued to get worse as he ages I can see the mom's point of view but also the sons. I started therapy for my son AND myself to work on things. So far it's made a big difference for us. My son's father isn't around much and it's hard for kids. I've heard those things so many times but I could never walk away from him like that. However every parent has a point where they just can't keep the fight up. It isn't easy for either. Kid needs therapy so does the mom. It's unfortunate that it got to this point.
The difference is you didn't throw your hands up and let him have his way because it was easier. You actually worked with your kid and sought professional help to work it out. That's what a good parent does. There's a reason parenting is called the hardest job on Earth.
Load More Replies... seems like this guy never aged past 11. His mother didn't abandon him, if he was abandoned he'd have been either homeless or in an orphanage/foster care. He had the privilege of still living with an actual parent with a roof over his head. His mother DID actually still try with him, taking him fun places and whatever. And he only THOUGHT to apologise, but seemingly never did? Then gets mad when his mother finally moves on, and dares to redecorate a room he hasn't lived in for years for her step-daughter? My f*****g god this guy is an awful, jealous, immature little AH.
It was his room on weekends and visits. Are you saying that it's not his room unless he's there every night?
Load More Replies... This kid needs help. He's angry and lashing out and being treated like it's all his fault. He had issues at 11 that weren't addressed and now his family wonders why he's behaving so badly. They all need counseling.
Yeah I am more than marginally concerned that people are ascribing adult rationale to a literal child. Everyone failed to teach this kid how to emotionally regulate, and he's now lashing-out and emotionally unstable. Also, telling the kid that the mother having a breakdown was his fault is very presumptuous; the kid may have been the last straw in a long list of unrelated items. It's not an 11 year old's job to regulate his mother's emotional state.
Load More Replies... I love how dad's getting a free pass in all of this. No one's accusing him if abandoning his child when HE was her weekend dad with a girlfriend. But let mom giver her kid EXACTLY what he demanded from her and she's suddenly the villain. This is actually one of the signs of parental alienation, and I've gone thru it. I divorced an abusive cheating husband after all the kids had moved out on their own. Up to that point my kids and I had an amazing relationship. Dad had a girlfriend and was. Living with her before we even had the first court hearing. I waited a year after the divorce before I even thought about dating. Guess who the kids side with? Not mom! I was accused of cheating because two years after the divorce was final I had a boyfriend while dad was in his third love in girlfriend.
I think part of why we see little blame being put on the father is that we live in a society that has practically normalized the idea of a fathers making mistakes while simultaneously vilifying a mother if she makes even one. I honestly wonder if both mom and dad came from broken homes as well. Adults are the product of their own parents and the community that surrounds them during their formative years. If all a person grows up learning is bad parenting skills, they are likely to be bad parents as well.
Load More Replies... I think the part I am most stuck on is the son saying this one incident drastically changed their relationship. Everyone seems to assume it was a pattern of behavior but if mom was so emotionally vulnerable that she could have taken that comment to heart so much. Think a person struggling with depression, divorces husband, probably feels so much love for her child who says something nasty to her. It feels like his nasty comment could have confirmed her worst fear/negative self talk. I think we don’t quite have a deep enough understanding of what either of them were truly experiencing. I’m also stuck on everyone ignoring that this child FEELS abandoned. I understand mom stayed in his life but how he feels is relevant. He wanted his mom in his life more, like how it was before. Why is it on the 11 yo to take responsibility and mend the relationship? Yes, he should apologize and explain that he didn’t mean it, but he needs to be taught that. I don’t view this woman as some kind (cont)
Of saint for rebuilding her life after her son made a nasty comment to her. I judge her for not sitting back down with her son when they were not in the heat of the moment to talk about what he said, why he said it, and if he truly wants to live with dad. Everyone is saying he got what he asked for, but that’s c**p. There are reasons adults need to help guide children’s decision making. Maybe his mom didn’t “abandon” him like how you all are defining it but she sure gave up on him. Everyone is misreading the “fun” comment. He said she tried to be the “fun” parent and this included letting him do what he wanted. It sounds like she stopped caring and it sounds like the son felt that. I think both are the AH but I think more importantly, both are hurt and mom should have been the adult to try to mend the relationship. She absolutely moved on like everyone is saying but no one seems to care how that made the kid feel. Of course the son shouldn’t have said any of this at the engagement party and bring the daughters into it was wrong. And, mom was also quite wrong in how she handled all of this with her son. I really think as painful as it is the son needs to move on because the mom already did. But how she treated him will affect his future relationships too… it’s a sad situation but please quite judging the child when there was a full fledged adult on the other side of this.
Load More Replies... Mom, instead of therapy as her and her kid's relationship unravels to address difficulties and unresolved feelings from her and dad's split, signs thing over to dad and becomes weekend mom. Dad, upset he can no longer be weekend dad and resentful of having to become full time dad, let's go walk on, bully and verbally abuse kid and feel unwelcome in the only home he has left. Kid refuses to entertain more than a passing though he may have taken things too far with mom, much less apologize for it and then puts mom in a damned if she does/damned if she doesn't situation: she overs and is a decent mom, she's a controlling b***h. She is fun during the weekends together, still not good enough. He keeps throwing fits and then publicly humiliates her and stepfamily who did NOTHING to him personally. ESH and everyone needs therapy. Parents are NOT PERFECT. They are humans. But they are ALSO the adults and the ones who are SUPPOSED to lead. But kids ALSO can learn what is ok/not ok to say/do.
💯 charity. There are moments where parents need to “take charge” and those moments didn’t happen. I think everyone in this situation needs therapy. Parents are not perfect, but children really need those moments of their parents taking control over a situation instead of letting a child make extremely huge decisions on their own. Both parents in this situation have been very inexperienced and should’ve came to a common resolution and consistency in discipline and accountability. Both parents should’ve co parented and given consistent reinforcement and modeling. It sounds like whatever grievances they had with each other ended up a reflection in their child and that both parents just gave up when the child pushed back and didn’t discipline or create a structure. Giving a child what they want, again isn’t structure or caving in. All children push back boundaries and test, sounds like both parents caved in because discipline was too hard and they were unprepared for the challenges of being a parent. A lot of commenters apparently think raising kids is like training dogs, dogs usually get things and stay trained, kids test boundaries repeatedly over and over. They need constant reinforcements over their entire lives about boundaries. Especially kids who having “challenging temperaments” and there’s 4 kinds of temperaments with children. There’s easy-going, slow to warm up, challenging and mixed category. Challenging temperaments continue to challenge *. Boundaries and difficult complex concepts are not fully understood until teenager years. Children before puberty have a more black/and white, and see things as more literal, and have a less complex understanding of the world and struggle with abstract concepts and perspectives, and struggle with ego-centric perspectives.
Load More Replies... He's NTA, but he is a wounded kid looking to put blame on everyone else for his actions. His wounds started by having an unstable dad, probably leading to the divorce. No parent will ever be perfect. But she sounds like she was an attentive mom with no support from a lazy father. And young boys need a male role model. (Yes, I'm old school. I've also been a teacher for 30+ years and see this exact scenario play out over and over.) I'm going to bet she begged dad to help get him on track and dad couldn't be bothered. And if a kid is getting out of control, a single mom's options are limited. Was it the best way to handle it? In hindsight, with limited info, no. Counseling, a sit down chat, meetings at school, and relatives' support should happen before taking such drastic measures. But if she was already concerned he'd cause a scene at the party, then likely he's had a lifelong pattern of it, probably a trait his father has. And he clearly needs counseling and some perspective change.
He fails to realize that what he views as ruining his mom's party was probably better described as ruining the attendants' views of him forever.
Load More Replies... Children of divorce need to have therapy, someone all their own to talk to about what is happening to them and how to deal with things. Had OP been put in therapy, I think this situation would not have occurred. Children are the VICTIMS of their parent's divorce.
Children are the victims of their parents, period. We all have something we need therapy for. We all have something we wish our parents had done better. But most of us don't lash out like this to try and ruin our parents' social events...
Load More Replies... ESH. Op's mom wasn't exactly perfect parent, and OP is not to blame for everything what happened. Parent won't give up their kid after some bad grades and one fight, I feel that there was more issues. OP was 11, I don't expect him to think like an adult., however he's not saint either. Him lashing out won't fix it. I understand that seeing his mom parenting other kids would make him feel jealous and unwanted, but he's treating his stepsisters terribly, like it would accomplish something. Making scene at engagement party is uncalled for. Both OP and his mom are terrible at communication. They need to calm down, sit and talk.
If he told his mom he wanted to come back I would have agreed with this comment or if his mom never tried to reconnect with him. But what I'm getting is he never told her (otherwise he would have mentioned it) and when his mom tried to reconnect with him by doing fun things with him over the weekend he continued to push her away. Do you blame her for thinking he wanted nothing to do with her?
Load More Replies... Any family therapist knows that the problem child isn't the problem. Have to say I feel some sympathy for the OP. Sounds like he may have been acting out on behalf of an already fractured family and got labelled as the problem, passed between two parents, neither of whom seemed to want to put in the work to help him move forward in a good way. Obviously not good to keep acting out his feelings like that, but the hurt child is visible for them all to see.
They’re not the A*****e, and here’s why. It sounds like he wasn’t introduced to consequences early in life, his mom literally gave him away because he wanted to live with his dad and it seemed like his dad also let him roam free, some children have temperaments that are “challenging”, and it sounds like after divorce he felt very displaced and took aggression out on his mother. At this point there should’ve been intervention. If a parent has weak arms, they don’t provide proper security and structure for a child’s essential growth. Child easily learns that if he acts out he gets his way, either way mother and father in this situation seemed to just cave in and NEVER GAVE STRUCTURE, no wonder he was constantly feeling displaced after divorce, parents are the a******s giving your kid whatever they want or just letting them reign free with obvious behavioral problems and not getting them therapy is NEGLECT. This child has learned to use aggression as a form of control and getting their needs met, which has turned into bad behaviors, because no one helped him learn how to regulate their emotions in a healthy way. Parents are co-regulators who teach how to deal with feelings that lead to behaviors. This child has learned maladaptive behaviors to get needs met, and it has gone UNHELPED and hence snowballed.
It sounds more like daddy sabotaging the attempts of the mother to teach their son consequences. A divorced parent can be extremely sabotaging in the upbringing of the child. In his comments he lets it drop how his dad regularly agreed with him and was overall the lenient parent, and he blames his mother for normal parenting, including giving house arrest for not doing his homework and trying to make him take responsibility for his schoolwork. That's why he wanted to live with dad. I think 'helicopterparent' is a big word for a teen/preteen to say, but it would be exactly what a lenient and dismissive father would say who doesn't like how his ex wife is trying to instill values in their son. I can imagine him also saying things like loosen up a bit or boys will be boys. I fully agree with you that this child has learned maladaptive behaviours, but reading his comments on Reddit it seems that's not his moms fault, but his dad feeding him c**p. He wrote it, and doesn't even realise.
Load More Replies... This is coming from a child of divorced parents: YTA and sound like a spoiled brat, to be honest. It sounds like you are leaving a lot out, as your mother did not just up and drop you off. This wasn't a one off, this was the last straw and you broke her. Good for her for getting on with her life and going back to school. You broke her. You did this, not her. Seek therapy immediately.
Unless you have been abandoned by a parent, father or mother - and you are a child of divorced parents in my opinion you have no experience with which to comment. An 11 year old is still a very young child that needs boundaries, patience and love. If we all took our children seriously they would all be abandoned. The mother should have taken a step back or had the father support her in a conversation with the child. I was abandoned by both parents, my father when 18 months old, and essentially my mother from her absence from age 6. My older brother was my support. There is no excuse for either of these parents behaviour allowing third parties like the father's girlfriend stating 'he was dumped on them' or the 'new family's' emotion putting guilt on a teen. They have no say. The father and mother should have addressed the immediate situation to prevent future inappropriate timing outbursts. As the mother had custody one would ask why there was trouble at school. Step up mom & dad! Divorce is terrible and any so called trouble the child is experiencing is directly associated to your behaviours. If you have children, step up for all of them!
Since you invited me to comment, I'll comment. I was actually abandoned by my birth parents and my adopted ones had a divorce. It was a messy divorce with screaming and yelling. I was never, ever that nasty to my parents. Both of them got remarried. Both parents had children again. Didn't decide my siblings were a problem. The father is clearly toxic and the son appears to be mirroring his toxicity. At no point does the mother say she hates her son or anything; all of that was the kid creating. Therapy isn't going to help yet. For one, therapy likely requires both parents to agree and for two one parent is actively encouraging the toxic.
Load More Replies... You are a spoiled rotten little brat. You can't talk to your mom and treat her that way and not expect repercussions! She was trying her best and obviously even put her life on hold in order to take care of you and be a good parent. (obvious from the fact that she continued her education in order to better herself after you were gone, something she put on hold while parenting you) You treated her like c**p, said not so nice things and she called your bluff. Now you have to live with that. I don't know if an apology will even make a difference already. She did not abandon you, she gave you exactly what you asked for. Suck it up buttercup and shame on you for showing your true colors at what should have been a special day for her. I don't blame her if she never has anything to do with you again.
You say "typical behaviour" telling your mother you hate her and want to live with your dad is NOT typical. I was a single mum and my son never ever said anything like that to me. That would have broken her heart after all she had obviously given up for you. You sound like a spoiled brat that wants to take zero responsibility. Your mother was obviously really young 18 when she had you. You lived with her...she had custody...have you called your dad out for "abandoning you" If you wanted to live with him she allowed it and got on with her schooling - remembering she would have had to forgo all of that when she had you! Good on her for trying to better herself. You are absolutely the a*****e. If you want to save your relationship with your mother you need to apologise and stop being so entitled. She also has a right to be happy.
I had bad abandonment issues (sometimes still do) because of *ahem* true abandonment by my father. One, single time when I was probably 17, I screamed at my mom that I hated her. Then I immediately starting bawling and apologizing because I knew instantly that I crossed the line and that was a total lie. I am 35 now, have a great relationship with my mom and stepdad and am still in therapy (don’t worry). Accountability exists, regardless of age. The best accountability probably comes from within…
Load More Replies... The dad says the mother "had it coming after abandoning her child". I might be reading into it, but I see parental alienation quite a lot in my work - and this is exactly what it looks like. One parent works subtlety on reducing the worth and value of the other parent. Over time, the child sees it as their parent (the mother in this case) failing them and the child will choose the other parent. The father (in this case) has then convinced the child that he was "abandoned" and the father's girlfriend helps by saying he was "dumped" on them i.e. unwanted by the father and the girlfriend. I suspect the OP's feelings that he has been abandoned have been carefully crafted and fostered over many years by his father. OP is now almost an adult. Angry teens are very very difficult get through to and the mother may have to wait now until he is an adult capable of wrestling with some very big feelings and perceptions. I hope they get some therapy and work through it.
If this kid is asking for honest feedback, there might be hope for him and his future. If he's sharing this to try to win an argument (perhaps with himself?) then he's probably doomed to a life of misery. I sure hope he can get the help he needs to find a better path through life.
I bet his father encouraged him to make the post for the latter reason 😂 Toxic…tada!
Load More Replies... I hope this young man gets therapy and the emotional support he needs to heal and be able to move forward into living his own life happily and productively. An unstable childhood can really do a number on you for your whole adult life.
OP is an ah because he ruined the engagement party. That was not the place and the moment to talk about this issue. But OP is also a broken kid that needs a lot of counseling and address his anger issues before he riuns his future life.
While I agree OP did not handle it well, it doesn't sound like his mom is any more mature than he was. She allowed an eleven-year-old to make decisions. You don't just give up on your kids, and I wouldn't be surprised if her stepkids are a "do over" so she can "get it right this time". Expecting an eleven-year-old to have the maturity of an adult is outrageous. Also, why did she not have OP in therapy if his behavior was so bad? Or take him to be evaluated?
The woman's dealing with a divorce from a husband that sounds like a lost and dealing with a bratty kid. Her mental health was likely suffering and the kid's behaviour was the tipping point. It's just another classic case of blaming the mother for everything when the father didn't even want him either.
Load More Replies... i don’t understand how ya’ll in the comments are just calling OP an a*****e and a brat and stuff when he and probably the rest of the family have needed therapy and they DEFINITELY need it now. a divorce sounds pretty traumatic and none of the parties involved, possibly excluding the father, were in the right headspace for the events that occurred, which they shouldn’t be held entirely accountable for because
mental health is IMPORTANT and everyone has feelings and i don’t think some of ya’ll here understand that, with the way you’re acting. also, OP was a CHILD when the fight went down and he shouldn’t be expected to act as maturely as the adult in this situation. however, i do agree that many things he did were upsetting and harmful to his mother.
Load More Replies... To a lot of commenters, I say "YTA". I have been told by my young daughter that she hates me and wishes that she was not a part of my family. Instead of abandoning her, I reminded her that I love her unconditionally and enrolled her in counseling. I didn't dump her off on my ex. When you experience trauma such as abandonment at a young age it affects your emotional development. Have some compassion people. Kid (and you are still a kid), you are "NTA". Also, get some help. Don't let your mom mess up your future relationships.
I totally get this kid, and I’m slightly disgusted in peoples comments towards him, I had something similar happen at 11, looking back WITH therapy, all those actions and outbursts are normal for child who was abandoned quite a critical age, the age where you’re kinda finally getting a feel for routines and coming of age into pre adult hood, it’s not a good time to be dumped. It turned out well for me because instead of trying to make a relationship with them, I did what the first commenter from reddit did, realise it’s just ‘you’ who has your back and work with it. It’s an asset.
The only thing I would really fault the mom for in all of it is turning his room into one of the girls room. Is he suppose to hang from the ceiling like a bat? Sent that message loud and clear without uttering a word You are not welcome here and will never be part of this family.
Esh. I think you are a good candidate for family therapy with your mother. Ask her for that.
God I hope 99% of the people in these comments never have children. None of you have any f*****g idea what you're talking about. This isn't someone this woman was freaking dating. Her pride did not matter. This was her son. You never give up. Especially when they are still young. Ever. You never give up. But she gave up. He was testing her and she let him win, thus proving to him that he wasn't important enough for her to fight for. Maybe she showed up for her weekends, but she emotionally abandoned him at 11 years old.
Amen. I 100% agree with you. I dont ever comment on BP. But when I saw the comments it definately hit a sore point. From these comments and the poll I can honestly pray hope either none of these people have children or they are simply very misguided.
Load More Replies... A rare ESH, the mom was bad but she clearly at least partially got better, the son took it to far but I can see why
Mom: after some fights, get butthurt over poor articulation and instead of therapy, decides to become weekend mom. Dad: upset and resentful at having to go from weekend dad to full time dad, both joins in trash talking mom and allows gf to bully son verbally and emotionally. Also refuses to get son professional help. Kid: does absolutely NOTHING BUT lashes out at mom, puts her in a damned if she does/ damnded if she doesn't situation and then publicly humiliates her and dragged in stepfamily who did NOTHING to him to deserve the embarrassment. Does say that he may have taken things too far even as a kid, but does not apologize nor does he try to work on himself and continues to lash out. Everyone is crappy here, everyone needs therapy and everyone needs to grow up and take accountability for their own end. Mom may not have legally abandoned kid, but she did mentally and emotionally. Dad did not want to be dad and let others hurt his kid, then put it on mom too. Kid blames mom only. ESH
As someone who was abandoned by my mom, I can assure you he wasn’t abandoned. He still saw her. She still cared. He sounds like a drama king and a liar. He’s a bad son and a bad kid. But, I think it can be mended. He didn’t end up a dumbass like this on his own. It’s the result of the quality of parenting he got. His parents aren’t earning any medals either. His mom is a childish loser for letting him think he got put out over some typical kid comment. And if that is the reason she sent him to his dad, she’s even worse. But also why was he primarily even with his mom? Where was the dad this whole time? This is the type of s**t that happens when teenagers have babies.
I can't believe these YTA comments. At just 11 years old there are less harsh ways to learn that your words have consequences. She could maybe leave the kid with the dad for a couple of weeks and then discuss with him, explain that his words hurt, ask him if he really wants to live with dad, tell him that she really wants him in her life, opt for therapy, act like a good parent? I see that at 29 she grabbed what seemed to her like a second chance to education, dating, starting life over again without having to care for a child. At 18 years old, when she became pregnant, she was old enough to know that the consequence of having unprotected sex is getting pregnant and having a child, whose care is not going to be over during the next couple of months. Of course the father sounds just as bad, but truth is his mom is the one who abandoned him.
You were a child at 11 and you are still growing up at age 17. When you were 11 you were having surges of testosterone E which is a powerful d**g. You mother should have known you were angry due to this and told you sometimes she hated what you did but never hated you. She obviously did not adjust well to being divorced and neither did you. Sometimes we don’t get what we want in this life. Apologize. Talk with her new husband to be about your feelings as he may be more mature than either of your parents. Get a psychologist and see him regularly to address your lack of parental love. Good luck.
This kid needs professional counseling. His mother did exactly what he wanted. She tried during their visits; he didn't like the fun mom or the strict mom. His father seems to have been a crappy parent that didn't do a good job. At least his mom tried. She didn't "abandon" him: she did what she believed he wanted. Parents are people and have a right to live a happy, peaceful and normal life. He's just a miserable, immature little sh1t.
Your mother took you at your word and "let" you live with your father. You seemed to think she should be able to read your mind. Kid, that isn't how it works. You are a total AH. You COULD have tried to be nice - after all YOU insisted on living with your dad and you made your mother cry. You are a jerk. You need to apologize to your mother and her fiancé, don't pull any of this c**p with anyone ever again.
This kid is an absolute PoS! In all likelihood, he's not even telling the full story, because it sounds like this wasn't the first time he treated his mom like c**p, it was probably just the final straw that broke the camel's back. Also, what a freaking AH to blame mom for everything yet apparently dad is fantastic even though he has a s****y girlfriend and acts like taking responsibility for his kid is such as chore. Where's the criticism and animosity towards dad OP? Also, what did the poor girls have to do with your problems with your mom? The girls probably treated her decently, instead of hate her like OP did. I hope OP goes and gets f*****.
You're condemning a literal child. I think you're the problem, here.
Load More Replies... Sorry but he was a child. She clearly resented having a kid since she was one when she had him. I think she wasn’t emotionally available for him and the dad wasn’t as well. The fact she didn’t fight to keep him home AGE 11! Shows she wanted him gone to have her own life. She is now being Suzi homemaker mummy to her fiancé’s kids , how can she feel good about that knowing her own child was abandoned by her then by his dad? I feel so badly for him, he’s only 17, he deserves a parent who will work through the hard teen years but never give up on him. She’s a bad mom , selfish and so is the dad.
This mother should never have had a child. Any adult MUST be the adult and care for their child. Can’t do it, don’t have kids. They are not toys. Any kid at some point says ‘I hate you’. Means it. An adult says ‘I know you do, it’s ok, I still love you.’ If you can’t do that you are not an adult. It’s your job. Full time. Until your kid is an adult. Especially don’t try to replace your child with your stepchild. Of course your’s won’t like it! I hope the kid learns from this and either decides not to have kids or to be a real adult about it. Seems he has no adults in his life and never has.
The father should never have had a child then. The mother still loved him, she got him on the weekends. In fact, he doesn't realise he prefers his mother over his dad, because that's what this is all about. So how can she be the bad parent?
Load More Replies... A soft YTA. Welcome to adulthood OP- behaviour has consequences, yada, yada...Both you & Mum have dirty hands here. My mum was, at times dreadful- vindictive, self-oriented, abusive, immature. I left home at 16. I've found that when I came to view my parents as flawed people w/ a set of defects & assets, my resentments eased off. Mind you, I still drew boundaries & enforced them, kept a healthy distance, stopped expecting them to change, etc( I'm not a "closure" adherent.) I gradually accepted the situation & freed myself. It's important to note that I'm in my 60s now- it was a process. Good luck OP, Godspeed.
No point in calling either of you the AH, doing so doesn't help anything. Both of you made mistakes, both of you were treated unwisely by the other. Vindicating yourself accomplishes what? Both of you need to accept you made mistakes, apologize, sincerely, and move towards building a future positive relationship rather than faulting and blaming the other for the past. That does nothing constructive. People make mistakes. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with life rather than living in the past. Learn from your mistakes, and other's.
OP sounds like a complete s**t. He acted up and said he wanted to live with the dad, so he did. That is not being abandoned, does he say his dad abandoned him all the years prior to living with him? No, so why is the exact same arrangement but reversed the mum 'abandoning' him. He didn't like strict, he didn't like it when she was chill. He was rude to the sisters and thought his old room should stay in some kind of stasis. He then thought the party was the place to air all of the grievances he's invented in his head. He sounds like an insufferable little prick and on track to turn into a real peice of s**t adult
People calling this child a monster are completely out of their minds! He is still a child and his dad should have help him manage his emotions when he was left with him instead of having a girlfriend that make him feel like he was dumped. What he did was so inappropriate, but any child in need of attention from their parents will act our, both of them should've known that and act accordingly to prevent him from lashing out in any way. All 3 of you need to go to therapy, not just put it on the child! He is too immature to understand that his parents were doing their best even is they were doing it wrong. And come on! We all have hold our parents accountable to a standard that we had no idea was so difficult to uphold until we became parents ourselves!
First off, being a kid doesn't automatically mean someone else is responsible for your actions (unless they're manipulating you). She's the more mature one, sure, but the mature way to deal with a fight is to -disengage- and then try to talk it out when you're both calmer. She did that! It's not like she never saw him again! Second, if either parent is to blame, it's the father.... Mom wasn't telling the kid what a bad parent dad was or that his dad abandoned him. But look what happened when dad took over parenting (which was as much his responsibility as hers regardless).
The commenter JOPIE is TOTALLY the rotten kid who was the op! He’s posting on here to comment and you can tell it’s him full of jealousy that his mom has a great relationship with her step daughters! See? He writes.. “Mother did not understand why he was upset that she gave his room to the sweet little new replace him daughter. Luckily his dad cares about him now.” This is DEFINITELY him.
Dad and son deserve each other as neither is willing to take responsibility for their own actions. Kid turned out like s**t and blames mom and dad blames mom too because how could it be their own damn faults?? Mom loved you and gave you guidance and attention and you resent that but after you threw it in her face and it was gone you couldn’t manage your life. You’re a disgusting entitled little brat, your dad is a disgrace and I’m glad she’s mostly rid of both of you and the trauma she didn’t deserve. Shouldn’t your life be better now that you run it with the support of dear old dad? You didn’t appreciate what you had and now what you had belongs instead to two lovely daughters for your mom. All you can do now is watch an regret. Maybe at 11 you aren’t as responsible for your words but you’re not 11 and you’re STILL an entitled, toxic little jerk and that’s only your fault dummy.
So,I agree that the mom couldn't win in this situation. She was being a parent to her child, and he didn't like that. My only problem is that the mom listened to her son. He was 10/11 he's a child, he doesn't make the rules. As a parent myself who is no longer together w/ my daughters father, It's never been an option or thought too send her to her dad's when she's upset. What about parents that are still together. They go through this as well, and they have to deal with their child. It's called parenting, and it is freaking hard. I don't agree with the son feeling sorry for himself now, because I'm sure he made life incredibly hard for his mom, I am sure it stings to see her happy relationship w/ her fiancee daughters. If they both want a relationship they need counseling. No parent is perfect, and the blame can't be put solely on the mother. Parenting is just freaking hard, and you don't know that until you are one.
It's different in this case: he -asked- to go. What was she going to do, tell him he can't see his father?
Load More Replies... There have been interesting thoughts, however, some comments could have been said by some who had a good family relations, others the opposite, therefore I feel that would make some important differences, my example, growing up in a pathetic home, but thinking back to being about eleven, I doubt I could have done much better, depending on the situation, i consider the age, as being too young, to deal with that situation and make any important decision, much too young, the mother should have known that, the mother was the adult, should have handled the situation differently, give the boy, time to cool down, before bringing him to dad. !!!
I feel for the mom especially, as I now realize what I put my parents through.Hell! As a former problem child myself,I said terrible, terrible things. And they weren't even the reason I was so angry and out of control. I've been on the receiving end of it too. So I have a pretty good idea of how she felt. Being told you are hated, and seeing the spite in the eyes of someone you love so much and have worked so hard to raise........ The wounds inflicted are profound. Even if, (you know) that they were only said in anger it still hurts! I also feel bad for the kid. It seems his dad, whether intentionally or not, basically groomed him into hating his mom. An impressible mind being fed his Dad's bitterness. And if he doesn't get help, the hate will continue to rule his life. Eventually to destroy it. That said, I don't know that I would have reached that point with an 11-year-old. Although it's a tad unfair to say that, as we really don't have enough background. This poor family 😭
I understand your hurt, and obviously your mum was hurt when you told her you hated her and you didnt want to live with her anymore. Kids say these things to their parent’s face or behind their back. Either way it’s not always meant to be true, but it’s one of those in the moment things, and kids or teens don't always consider the consequences. I have 4 boys and one girl, all older now, but I went through these times, and other stressful moments, but never gave up on my kids. Their dad passed, so I had to deal with those days. But thats just it, they are days or moments, where the kid will get over it, and mom & sons relationship is ok after talking, It usually works itself out. Sounds like his mom was just tired of trying to take care of a normal teen, and stressed that she didn't know what else to do except throw him over to dad. Then she got comfortable with it, and left it at that. Mom needs to fix her relationship with her son first. Before inviting new kids in.
VERY, VERY much YTA. I would have disowned the brat then and there, in public.
This kid sounds like a total brat and I feel bad for his mom. He was mad that his mom actually made him put the work into school to get good grades by doing his homework and doing it properly. He was mad that he had to eat a nutritious diet rather then junk. He was mad he had a bedtime. Then he said something really horrible (on top of the other s**t he'd been saying to her) and that he wanted to live with his dad. Suddenly his grades drop because he isn't putting the work in and it's her fault. She's being the fun weekend parent he wanted her to be with takeout and fun outings and that's not right either. Honestly, I wouldn't blame the mom for leaving him, he sounds awful and I know it's an unpopular opinion but sometimes kids just can't be helped. Sounds like OP is one of those kids
The son obviously had some serious problems. And moms do like to feel loved. However, I had a teenager that went through a very bad, aggressive, verbally abusive stage. I stuck with her, and did not send her off to live with someone else. She is now a wonderful adult and one of my best friends. He needs some counseling and to learn how to get along better, but mom needs some serious thinking about what it means to dump a child.
I think kids forget that adults have feelings and he even said it broke her. I don't believe it was just one instance at all. He got what he asked for and learned that he can't just give out horrible behaviour to his mum and be let off. She was still trying with him at weekends and tried her best and he still didn't like that either. Making a point of going to the party to ruin it and judge her for daring to love some other kids too is just another thing that makes him TA and a little brat. I'm glad she left him there. 17 and still hadn't learned a Damn thing. And this is coming from someone who depression all their life as a child and social anxiety. I made my mums life hell for a few years until I got help and if there's one thing that brings me unbearable pain it's thinking of that and how I made her feel.
At first I was gonna go with ESH but the more I think one this I feel the OP is AH here. I don't think it was just the 1 time he had this blow at 11 with his Mom and then she just drops him off at the dad's. I feel there is more to this story. And it didn't sound like he ever apologized for any of the things his said or did. And I'm sorry 11 is old enough to know that saying s**t like that is gonna hurt someone's feelings. And his idea of helicopter parenting is not actual helicopter parenting. Honestly OP needs to apologize to his Mom for all the c**p he has said and done to his Mom. Honestly I'm not surprised that Mom has moved on. OP needs some serious therapy.
Talking out of your a$$ aren't you? 11 years old is NOT old enough to know how to emotionally regulate fully, nor how to totally engage with the world. That's why they're a **child** and not considered an **adult.** Pair that with an emotionally dysfunctional family and you're asking for a mess, but blaming the child for the mess.
Load More Replies... Noone is the AH. Kid you are 17 apologize to your mother. She may not be perfect but she was doing her best to raise you right and yes it is annoying when you can't do what you want when you want well guess what that is never going to change. She didn't abandon you you just never told her how you felt and the misplaced anger has festered for years. Talk to her, apologize, and apologize to your sisters because that's what those little girls are. And no saying you hate her isn't something that can be ignored. Hate is a strong word. I have never told my mom that I hate her and our relationship has been bad for as long as I can remember. Talk to her. Apologize.
He wasn't abandoned. He wanted to live with his dad. She gave him what he wanted. She was still in his life. My mom had a marriage previous to my father. My half-sister would spend some weekends with her father and stayed at home primarily with our mother and my father. It's a shared custody agreement. I doubt it was as "small" as he claimed it to be as an outburst. Honestly, he needs help.
I have a mother who is very much mentally and emotionally abusive. She would yell at me every single day, whether I was actually coming to her for comfort, for help with schoolwork, or didn't even bother her at all, I was treated like I should know better as a teen what things were happening to my mind and body when I wasn't taught ANYTHING, and I was often screamed at for the mistakes my older, neurotypical brother did. The moment I got my first B, it wasn't a "good job" instead of a great job for an A, it was, "You need to talk to your teacher and get your grades up". The moment my body was raging with hormones, it wasn't time to teach me what I'm feeling and the particular consequences that can stem from it, it was "you need to be in everyone's eyeline or they're going home". And now I'm treated like I'm 5 yo. I'm "not allowed", at 31 yo, 6' and heavy, to go out on my own at night without her having a freak out. When I drive a vehicle, I can't be trusted to know what I'm doing.
When we first got the truck we have, I was a little nervous to drive it because it was a new vehicle. Her first question to my father was "DoEs ShE kNoW wHeRe ThE tUrN sIgNaL iS???" when there's only one k**b in the thing. I've never been treated like I'm intelligent by her, except for I should've "known better" when I did something wrong, even though I have my bachelor's now, which wasn't really all that celebrated, even though no one else in the family has one yet, and my associates was totally overshadowed by my brother saying he'd gotten his degree too (which she took at his word, even though we cleared out his room to clean it for him because baby can't do it himself, and it never showed up, a long with him never giving her anything). Lastly, our "girls days" out consisted of her going to get clothing for herself, lunch, and me being the bag girl for her. That was all that every happened. This kid has no f*****g clue what a helicopter not abusive parent is.
Load More Replies... He got what he asked for and regretted it, it's his own fault. He even ruined his mum's engagement party, the absolute piece of $hit
Again, condemning a literal child for behaving like a child. He was 11. He's now 17. You're expecting a child to make adult decisions. That's stupid.
Load More Replies... Wow, I hate to say it, but I can relate. I was the Mom in this story and my son was 14. Things went from hard to horrible and he said all he wanted was to live with his dad. So I picked him up from school with most of his essentials in the car and dropped him at his Dad's. He cried and took it all back and I left him there. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but he had become unsafe around his younger siblings. He was angry with me for years. When he was a bit more mature (24-ish) I was finally able to apologize and tell him my side as the parent. I did that for about 6 years before he finally understood and accepted my apology and quit being so very angry. We have come a long way in the last 5 years and our relationship is slowly healing. It will never be normal. This kid is 17, almost a legal adult, but far from being grown up. He is carrying baggage from years ago and is still throwing temper tantrums. She needs to keep him at arm's length from her marriage and stepkids for now.
I suspect your mother made mistakes when younger & was strict to try to get you on a good path. She apparently didn't complete her schooling when younger & ended up pushing herself later to finish school & better herself. You seem to resent even that. And she never abandoned you. She continued seeing you on the weekends & seemingly tried to lighten up on her attitude as being a more involved parent ended up with you breaking her heart. And you didn't appreciate that anymore than the other method. Then, you ruin her engagement party because you're a spoiled mean brat. Yes, she bears some responsibility for that. As does your father. Had this not happened on the cusp of adulthood, I'd be more sympathetic to you but you knew better & still tried, again, to hurt your mother along with two children who had to endure losing their own mother & thought perhaps they were going to be okay because they had someone new to call mom. You're young so I won't say YTA. Better yourself.
Little #@$%$#@% grew up and found out. I'm mad there's another one out there in the wild made by clueless people.
OP, and anyone who doesn't consider him an AH, needs to be on the a*s end of an a*s kicking.
Get help, idiot. This is not his first tantrum either. He's been doing c**p to his mom for a while and I bet "dad"(cough) was part of it. Not only YTA but a BSFA!! Actions have consequences, KID! I know what mom is/was going thru and I've moved on too
Child abandonment is a serious issue. An 11 year old is far too young to be able to regulate their emotions following a divorce and abandonment and a 17 year old is still far too young to affectively work through that trauma alone. At 25 I am currently only able to work through these things because I am finally able to afford therapy for myself, what makes people think a child with an underdeveloped brain is capable of doing so on their own? Abandonment can cause severe issues in children, personally my mother abandoning me was the most likely catalyst for my BPD which, big surprise, causes severe anxiety surrounding abandonment and a tendency to lash out and push others away when untreated. We are all responsible for our own actions and it is presumptuous for me to say that this child could be suffering from the same thing, but no child who is abandoned comes out as a fully functioning adult without help (disorder or no disorder), and it doesn't sound like this kid is getting it.
Right, but this kid -wasn't- truly abandoned: that's just what his dad told him because he didn't want to step up and be an actual parent. Mom was still as much a part of his life as he'd allow.
Load More Replies... Single mom here. I have 3 kids and I really struggle with one of them who (is ADHD and doesn’t want to do ANYTHING that’s “too hard”.) Luckily we love each other and laugh a lot and work through our feelings, but if he treated me the same way it sounds like you treated your single mother when she tried to get you to do basic human responsibility things, I too would say, “Go ahead, live with your dad if you hate me and my efforts so much.” If Dad is a loser who can’t keep a job or parent, that is on HIM. Quit blaming adolescence and your mother for your poor behavior, and quit blaming your mother for your father's inability to adult. YTA, maybe ESH, but you’re the bigger AH.
I am a mom AND have a master's in childhood development, but honestly can't give better answers than some of the comments that I've seen already. Think about it--- your mom was your age when she had you. She loved & cared for you for 12 years, although you didn't make it easy. It would BREAK MY HEART if one of my children said they hated me! You never apologized, which could've fixed it all. I'm sure your dad talked smack about her, which made you feel justified in ambushing her happiness. He even went with you! HE is TA here, but YOU are the one who hurt her. You are responsible for your actions. You need to tell her how you feel so you can repair your relationship before it's too late! She must be a kind lady, especially for loving 2 little girls who probably appreciate what you didn't. You're a man now----be a better one than your father is.
From someone with a Masters in childhood development, you should understand that age 11 they are not responsible emotionally for such actions. And at age 17 at the time of the engagement party built up emotional trauma plays out if not addressed sooner. This whole comment is uneducated. A man, at 17... I think not. I have a 12 and 17 year old currently. Read more! Your comment is gross especially from a so called professional.
Load More Replies... Both are the a*s. Mother for abandoning her kid n moving on from them. But OP for not trying to reconcile n work things out sooner. Also for the party stunt. The 2 girls arent a part of your hurt with your mom so they shouldnt be attacked. I recommend family therapy for OP n mom.
Wow, the mom sounds like a saint. Despite OP telling her he hated her, she still tried to be a fun parent on weekends. But OP hated that, too, never noticing that she was reaching out (without demanding an apology) by trying to be fun, ordering takeout and letting him do what he wanted instead of being a "helicopter parent." All the OP can think about is himself, as he stews in his own resentment. What a nasty piece of work. YTA! If she weren't already engaged, I'd be asking her out because she seems warm. compassionate and together. A great person. I hope I meet a single version of that. She has it all. YTA
He isn't an a-hole. He is a whiny little, blame mommy for everything, take no responsibility for his own actions b***h. I was actually abandoned by a parent. This is not that and screw him for even comparing getting what he wanted when he said go away to being ditched by a parent. He is also a liar. One incident? BOOLSHEET. I had "one incident" of saying I hate you to my mom....she knew something was really wrong because I would never say something like that, raced to my side and helped me. I do not believe he said it once. I think he said it until she believed it.
YTA. I wanted so much to be on OP's side. But he complained about her parenting. Demanded she leave him to his father. She does exactly what he wanted. She didn't abandon him, she gave him what he wanted. His father was a POS. Surprise. That's why they divorced and you had been living with her. She stayed in your life (how else were you spending time with her). She also changed her behavior to be less involved and less helicoptery per your complaint. But yes, she moved on, found children who actually gave a flying **** about her and wanted her in their lives. The empty room got used out of necessity. And then you threw a public tantrum. Your parents suck. No question. You're a POS yourself but that's just partially a result of them sucking. But waiting until you had an audience to address your complaints rather than air them when you first have them? Never giving them an opportunity to address them in private first? Yeah. That makes you 100% the AH.
Due to the fact that they are divorced it’s a tough situation the dad has his own place and is living what’s left of his life after divorce and suddenly he’s a full time single parent . Now by law that’s right neither parent gave up that right until she dropped him off at the dad’s house . But this is due to a preteen throwing a temper tantrum in which he actually gets his way ! There’s no mention of a phone call “ hay so and sos acting up and wants to live with you ! By allowing her decision to be made by the child it threw off countless lives . Who hasn’t had a chills say that and worse to try and get their way ? Did it work ? Think of it they probably had visiting days set up where they exchanged the child and current info to each other . The only positive part about it is that mom actually did something with her time to better herself . Dad in the other hand was probably just getting his life together , it doesn’t say . Other than work his life changed !
I CAN NOT BELIEVE people are saying YTA. I mean, how he handled the party maybe he was the a*****e for that, but who cares? This b***h had a kid blurt out in anger he didn't want to live with her. And instead of finding out if he were serious or just venting, she was like, "Yes!!! Now I get to go be free and have a real life. And that'll show that little a*****e. He'll never, ever have an outburst ever again in his life. I will punish him beyond all reason, and just abandon him to his Dad's" I don't know what you call that - vengeance - or what, but that Mom is a piece of work and doesn't deserve any good thing in her life.
Big NTA right now, the kid was literally kicked out of the house. YOU DONT KICK AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. The dads girlfriend hated OP, and dad didn't have enough money for most things. So it sounds like the mom is a petty cr@p and OP was very justified.
🤨 you do realize that this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back, right? Mom didn't kick him out, she gave him what he wanted and he didn't like it. Sounds like he's learning the consequences of his actions and he hates it.
Load More Replies... She didn't wipe him out of her life and never look back, she still had him at weekends and adopted a more relaxed parenting style, which the boy also rejected. It was three years before she started dating again; what was she supposed to do? Live like a nun?
Load More Replies... He wasn't abandoned just like his Dad didn't abandon him when his mom had full custody of him. He just didn't want his mom to care too much, calling it helicopter parenting. I bet he was giving his mom too much grief and that telling her he hated her was the last straw. No one was abandoned, they just switched custody arrangements. She still got him on the weekends. The kid didn't even apologize knowing he broke his mom when he said all those mean things. What a brat.
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