“My Health Should Be His Priority”: Pregnant Wife Makes Man Leave Party Early, He Regrets It
Pregnancy can be both a magical and a challenging time at once, so it’s no surprise that a soon-to-be-mom might need a helping hand or someone there for her when things get tough.
For this 7-months-pregnant redditor, things got uncomfortable during a friend’s wedding. She asked her husband to leave early and stay with her in case she needed him; and he did. But the situation eventually left the dad-to-be sour and the mom—asking if she was a [jerk] for making him leave the wedding.
In order to understand both sides better, Bored Panda got in touch with the Associate Professor of Anthropology and the Director of the Hormones, Health, and Human Behavior Laboratory at University of Notre Dame, Lee T. Gettler, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions. You will find his thoughts in the text below.
As fun as they are, weddings can be quite difficult to sit through for some people
Image credits: Al Elmes (not the actual photo)
This pregnant woman didn’t feel well while at a wedding so she asked her husband to leave early with her
Image credits: Amina Filkins (not the actual photo)
Image credits: preggoweddingaita
Partner support is crucial for the well-being of both people in a couple
Members of the AITA community shared varying opinions regarding the story; while some sided with the soon-to-be-mother saying that her needs come before anything else, others weren’t so quick to judge the husband who was seeking socialization. Such situations can be quite difficult to navigate as—even if not to the same extent—they affect the well-being of both of the involved parties.
“Changes in parents’ friendships and social support networks can contribute to poorer mental health and less resilience to the stressors and demands that can come with parenting,” Lee T. Gettler told Bored Panda, emphasizing the way a lack of socialization can affect a parent.
However, “partner support and the relationship quality between partners are also critical to their well-being; and the acute needs of the mother in the 7th month of pregnancy are a clear priority, whereas perhaps the husband’s need for socializing outside of his family duties could be addressed another time,” he added. At the end of the day, it all boils down to priorities, which was likely why the OP’s husband decided to leave the wedding with his pregnant wife and stay by her side.
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Socializing might not be parents’ number one priority, but it shouldn’t be the last on the list either
Even though there might be other things higher on the priority list when a baby is on the way, a parent’s social needs shouldn’t be at the very bottom either. “Adults’ social networks often change when they become new parents. Time spent with friends can go down, which isn’t surprising given the demands of caring for babies and young children. But friendships and social support are very important to one’s well-being,” Gettler suggested.
“They help shape people’s happiness and satisfaction and can be a buffer against stress,” he explained and added that, since the new parents’ social worlds can narrow quite significantly, it is common for moms and dads to desire time to socialize with friends outside of the ‘baby world’.
Lee T. Gettler revealed that as a parent himself—a dad to a 7 and a 9 year old—he empathizes with how difficult it is to find the time, energy, and resources (costs to cover babysitting, for example) to maintain relationships with friends. “It is hard sometimes to even find the mental energy (or just to remember) to do other small things to stay in touch, like routinely texting or chatting on the phone,” he said.
That’s why, according to the expert, it’s crucial for partners to work as a team. “In two-parent families, I think it is important that partners try to support opportunities for the other to go out with friends and hopefully strike a balance where both parents can enjoy some occasional child-free socializing. It is meaningful to adults’ mental health and stress management, which means it is also relevant to the overall family well-being.”
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Quite a few redditors chose not to side with the OP
Some believed she wasn’t a jerk in the situation
If I were pregnant and were often unwell, I would simply not go to any receptions, knowing that I wouldn't enjoy myself anyway. I'd rather let my partner go to that reception and stay with some relatives who could help me look after other kids.
Absolutely. They were his friends anyway. Let him go. Take the opportunity to rest up.
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OP said she feels exhausted all the time just being at home, so there is a reasonable expectation that she would get exhausted at the reception imo. And also a reasonable expectation that she would fall asleep pretty early/quickly. This has been happening for a while, so I think they would know this. If they had talked about this prior to the day, they could have come up with a game plan for this situation. Maybe the husband takes her back to the hotel, gets her comfy and settled - making sure her phone is nearby, and then heads back to the reception. Maybe they book an extra night prior to the event so OP is well rested before the reception. They could have planned for her to have a nap before heading to the reception. There are a lot of things they could have done if they had talked and made a plan.
Since the kids were being looked after by family, they should've booked the hotel for the night before as well as the night of the reception and have a mini 'baby moon'. A three hour drive is exhausting for anyone let a alone a third trimester person. After a leisurely brunch and then sleeping all afternoon both could've enjoyed the reception for the evening - but yeah, OP's the butt hole, hubby could've been contacted if there was an issue or the hotel reception could've been contacted or emergency services if necessary.
Oooh…I’m excited to read the comments here on BP, hoping they’re as divisive as my own feelings on the situation. I always remind myself that as humans who feel things, we’re allowed to have our emotions, as self-serving as they may be. As long as we own them, we don’t blame others for them and we always strive for understanding over resentment. He’s allowed to be pissed & feel he missed out. As long as he can work through his feelings without blaming his wife, her hormones and the emotional vortex that comes with pregnancy. Also, many women go thru pregnancy without a 24/7 caregiver and can manage all that comes along with it well enough to let their partner have just one night. Sadly, this stitch wasn’t gonna please both.
Honestly, YTA! I can't believe this type of behavior. The guy just wanted to have one relaxing night spent with people he know. You've could just pushed it through or go back with the shuttle by yourself. The relationship is a two way street. Think about that the next time you want to ruin something for your husband!!
She is TA, but not because she 'made' him leave or falling asleep. She's right that it could have ended badly and she needed him there and she's right that he should have made her a priority. But he did that. He accompanied her and he did what was right! Now he's sad he missed out and that's absolutely okay. He's human. He is allowed to have feelings and feelings don't have to be rational. She's an AH for policing how he feels after she asked him to tell her instead of letting him come to terms with it. He did everything she asked for and everything she needed. He wanted to stay longer but when she said she was afraid and wanted him to come with her he immediately left with her as a good husband should do. Now scolding him for feeling sad that his evening was cut short is just unfair. It's not like he actively complained or made accusations. He's just sad and talked about his feelings and frustration. She should have been more tolerant of that.
YTA. Pressured him to leave the party when he wanted to stay and you didn't actually need his presence. De facto ordered him to accompany you with the "in case I feel worse" – staying after that would have been equivalent to saying "I don't care if you start feeling worse". You exercised power over him, and made him do something he did not want nor need to do.
"staying after that would have been equivalent to saying "I don't care if you start feeling worse"." This exactly, that's coercion or manipulation at the very least.
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He should’ve just returned to the reception after she fell asleep. Of course, if she would’ve happened to wake up and find him gone, he probably would have caught hell for it. that woman has main character syndrome.
People also need to take care of their mental health. so YTA you could have gone and gone to sleep, and he could have had a mental health break, but you did push him into coming with you. Not a big a*****e, but yeah a bit of an a*****e.
NAH. I understand she didn't feel good and wanted to try to enjoy the night, but just couldn't do it. It happens. She wasn't manipulative or outrageous in her request. He came to check on her and she was honest about what she wanted. I don't see a problem with that. But I also understand the husband's frustration. He could have had more time at the reception, but in the end you have to choose the wife over everything else. This is a really difficult time of parenthood. Sacrifices have to be made for each other. I see both parties trying and working here, but not everyone is going to be happy all the time about it. Welcome to marriage.
Bro Im a 14f and it might because of my age but shes pregnant, she's literally growing another human being inside of her. My mom had 4 kids all c-sections and im pretty sure they were tough too. So to the people say OP is the AH how about you get pregnant and go through all of that then judge her.
To me, everything was as it should be till the next morning. He can feel disappointed that they cut the reception short while supporting his wife, and she could emphasize with that... Then both move on!
ESH. But what I really want to discuss is I'm assuming that all of these children (under six) must have been planned. Didn't they realize that having three littles so close together would change their lives drastically. Hers for having to stress her system by having three children in six years; his because small children require lots of care and you won't be able to do many adult things. If she didn't want pregnancy associated sickness and he wanted more social activity they should have gone childfree or had one child. It's a decision marriage partners make.
NTA. Sometimes heartburn can be a symptom of miscarriage. Social events can be draining when you're not pregnant - much less THIRD pregnancy. People here are acting like the husband is doing OP a favor when he is a HUSBAND and FATHER. This all comes with it. Y'all say "Motherhood is sacred, blah, blah..." and then act like the care needed is a damned inconvenience. WHEN a woman is pregnant and decides to keep the fetus; BOTH PARTNERS are pregnant. "Socializing" can come later.
I don't understand when a couple's fight became the source for entertainment on here. Where is the art? Where are the puppies? The photography?
I can't believe that there are so many YTA comments. Sure, he can be bummed that he missed out, but his heavily pregnant wife was feeling ill. That takes precedent over everything. I can't believe how childish he was being.
Sounds like she was tired and had heartburn, hardly a medical emergency, and mobile phones exist. It was selfish to ask him to leave
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Poor guy, his life is so difficult. How about next time, she stays at the reception and he gets all the pregnancy symptoms?
Nobody here is the AH.. from what I read.. he was nice to check on you... you didn't demand that he leave... this, to me, isn't even an issue worth writing BP about..seems like a normal interaction between a married couple starting a family.
It's funny that guys or women who have never had a child have such strong opinions about things they don't know anything about. My stepmom's sister was pregnant and only had mild symptoms through most of her pregnancy, but towards the end, things like heartburn and exhaustion, that seemed normal, became something else over night. She went into labor two months early, died while giving birth, and no one saw it coming because she only had MILD SYMPTOMS. If he can't socialize at home any other time than this one night, that's on him. Plenty of people have healthy social lives while taking care of their children. He's being a prick and if he didn't want to be a dad for the night, he shouldn't have gotten her pregnant.
But by that logic, he shouldn't ever leave the house. He shouldn't work or stray too far from the yard.
Load More Replies... If I were pregnant and were often unwell, I would simply not go to any receptions, knowing that I wouldn't enjoy myself anyway. I'd rather let my partner go to that reception and stay with some relatives who could help me look after other kids.
Absolutely. They were his friends anyway. Let him go. Take the opportunity to rest up.
Load More Replies... OP said she feels exhausted all the time just being at home, so there is a reasonable expectation that she would get exhausted at the reception imo. And also a reasonable expectation that she would fall asleep pretty early/quickly. This has been happening for a while, so I think they would know this. If they had talked about this prior to the day, they could have come up with a game plan for this situation. Maybe the husband takes her back to the hotel, gets her comfy and settled - making sure her phone is nearby, and then heads back to the reception. Maybe they book an extra night prior to the event so OP is well rested before the reception. They could have planned for her to have a nap before heading to the reception. There are a lot of things they could have done if they had talked and made a plan.
Since the kids were being looked after by family, they should've booked the hotel for the night before as well as the night of the reception and have a mini 'baby moon'. A three hour drive is exhausting for anyone let a alone a third trimester person. After a leisurely brunch and then sleeping all afternoon both could've enjoyed the reception for the evening - but yeah, OP's the butt hole, hubby could've been contacted if there was an issue or the hotel reception could've been contacted or emergency services if necessary.
Oooh…I’m excited to read the comments here on BP, hoping they’re as divisive as my own feelings on the situation. I always remind myself that as humans who feel things, we’re allowed to have our emotions, as self-serving as they may be. As long as we own them, we don’t blame others for them and we always strive for understanding over resentment. He’s allowed to be pissed & feel he missed out. As long as he can work through his feelings without blaming his wife, her hormones and the emotional vortex that comes with pregnancy. Also, many women go thru pregnancy without a 24/7 caregiver and can manage all that comes along with it well enough to let their partner have just one night. Sadly, this stitch wasn’t gonna please both.
Honestly, YTA! I can't believe this type of behavior. The guy just wanted to have one relaxing night spent with people he know. You've could just pushed it through or go back with the shuttle by yourself. The relationship is a two way street. Think about that the next time you want to ruin something for your husband!!
She is TA, but not because she 'made' him leave or falling asleep. She's right that it could have ended badly and she needed him there and she's right that he should have made her a priority. But he did that. He accompanied her and he did what was right! Now he's sad he missed out and that's absolutely okay. He's human. He is allowed to have feelings and feelings don't have to be rational. She's an AH for policing how he feels after she asked him to tell her instead of letting him come to terms with it. He did everything she asked for and everything she needed. He wanted to stay longer but when she said she was afraid and wanted him to come with her he immediately left with her as a good husband should do. Now scolding him for feeling sad that his evening was cut short is just unfair. It's not like he actively complained or made accusations. He's just sad and talked about his feelings and frustration. She should have been more tolerant of that.
YTA. Pressured him to leave the party when he wanted to stay and you didn't actually need his presence. De facto ordered him to accompany you with the "in case I feel worse" – staying after that would have been equivalent to saying "I don't care if you start feeling worse". You exercised power over him, and made him do something he did not want nor need to do.
"staying after that would have been equivalent to saying "I don't care if you start feeling worse"." This exactly, that's coercion or manipulation at the very least.
Load More Replies... He should’ve just returned to the reception after she fell asleep. Of course, if she would’ve happened to wake up and find him gone, he probably would have caught hell for it. that woman has main character syndrome.
People also need to take care of their mental health. so YTA you could have gone and gone to sleep, and he could have had a mental health break, but you did push him into coming with you. Not a big a*****e, but yeah a bit of an a*****e.
NAH. I understand she didn't feel good and wanted to try to enjoy the night, but just couldn't do it. It happens. She wasn't manipulative or outrageous in her request. He came to check on her and she was honest about what she wanted. I don't see a problem with that. But I also understand the husband's frustration. He could have had more time at the reception, but in the end you have to choose the wife over everything else. This is a really difficult time of parenthood. Sacrifices have to be made for each other. I see both parties trying and working here, but not everyone is going to be happy all the time about it. Welcome to marriage.
Bro Im a 14f and it might because of my age but shes pregnant, she's literally growing another human being inside of her. My mom had 4 kids all c-sections and im pretty sure they were tough too. So to the people say OP is the AH how about you get pregnant and go through all of that then judge her.
To me, everything was as it should be till the next morning. He can feel disappointed that they cut the reception short while supporting his wife, and she could emphasize with that... Then both move on!
ESH. But what I really want to discuss is I'm assuming that all of these children (under six) must have been planned. Didn't they realize that having three littles so close together would change their lives drastically. Hers for having to stress her system by having three children in six years; his because small children require lots of care and you won't be able to do many adult things. If she didn't want pregnancy associated sickness and he wanted more social activity they should have gone childfree or had one child. It's a decision marriage partners make.
NTA. Sometimes heartburn can be a symptom of miscarriage. Social events can be draining when you're not pregnant - much less THIRD pregnancy. People here are acting like the husband is doing OP a favor when he is a HUSBAND and FATHER. This all comes with it. Y'all say "Motherhood is sacred, blah, blah..." and then act like the care needed is a damned inconvenience. WHEN a woman is pregnant and decides to keep the fetus; BOTH PARTNERS are pregnant. "Socializing" can come later.
I don't understand when a couple's fight became the source for entertainment on here. Where is the art? Where are the puppies? The photography?
I can't believe that there are so many YTA comments. Sure, he can be bummed that he missed out, but his heavily pregnant wife was feeling ill. That takes precedent over everything. I can't believe how childish he was being.
Sounds like she was tired and had heartburn, hardly a medical emergency, and mobile phones exist. It was selfish to ask him to leave
Load More Replies... Poor guy, his life is so difficult. How about next time, she stays at the reception and he gets all the pregnancy symptoms?
Nobody here is the AH.. from what I read.. he was nice to check on you... you didn't demand that he leave... this, to me, isn't even an issue worth writing BP about..seems like a normal interaction between a married couple starting a family.
It's funny that guys or women who have never had a child have such strong opinions about things they don't know anything about. My stepmom's sister was pregnant and only had mild symptoms through most of her pregnancy, but towards the end, things like heartburn and exhaustion, that seemed normal, became something else over night. She went into labor two months early, died while giving birth, and no one saw it coming because she only had MILD SYMPTOMS. If he can't socialize at home any other time than this one night, that's on him. Plenty of people have healthy social lives while taking care of their children. He's being a prick and if he didn't want to be a dad for the night, he shouldn't have gotten her pregnant.
But by that logic, he shouldn't ever leave the house. He shouldn't work or stray too far from the yard.
Load More Replies...
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