Woman Is Asked When She’s Having Kids, Replies With A Playful Joke, Gets Banned From Family Halloween Party
There is this socio-cultural thing whereby parents, relatives, or even friends keep pestering you and/or your significant other about when you’ll be having kids, why you won’t have them sooner, or why you won’t have them at all, should the case be.
However, times have changed and many young adults tend to push the whole having kids thing to later stages in their lives, or choose not to have kids at all. Or perhaps they can’t have kids for medical reasons. Which would be a bit of an insensitive and overly personal thing to bug someone about. But I digress.
This is that story. One Reddit user shared a story where her diplomatic attempt to joke such questions away was taken as an offense by someone, and while they kept pushing the issue, it quickly turned into a conflict.
More Info: Reddit
Everyone copes with “when’s kids?” questions in their own ways, and joking it off is a fairly good tactic
Image credits: Steve Snodgrass
Reddit user u/Noswelling has recently shared a story on the Am I The A-Hole subreddit where she asked the community if she was wrong for saying her go-to joke to a kids question posed by a relative.
More specifically, the family was visiting the OP, with a sibling in-law in attendance, because the OP purchased a house that had some extra bedrooms. Some started speculating that this was because their family was growing, with said in-law not being too subtle about it. So he asked.
However, that didn’t turn out well for this Reddit user who joked about preferring sushi to kids
Image credits: Noswellin
Now, OP has a go-to line which she always uses with “when’s kids?” situations. She jokes it off by saying “Oh, well, I like sushi too much to have to give it up for a pregnancy. Plus not drinking for pregnancy and breastfeeding? No thanks!”
Well, the issue escalated quickly, as the in-law, who himself had trouble having kids, kept pushing the issue and took OP’s lighthearted comeback as an offense. It got even worse when OP’s husband chimed in by coming back with another joke: “well, if she gets pregnant, that’ll be a problem for the divorce lawyers.”
Image credits: Noswellin
This led to a fallout—the couple wasn’t invited to the annual Halloween party. And the holidays are fast approaching, so you can guess what might happen. So, Noswellin turned to Reddit to figure out whether she was wrong to “prefer sushi to kids” the way she did.
It is important to note that the Reddit user’s intentions were to just extinguish that conversation—she actually likes kids, it’s just that she doesn’t want her own, that’s all.
Image credits: Noswellin
The democratic people of r/AITA have ruled that she is not the bad guy here. There were many reasons behind this ruling, including the fact that the in-law doesn’t have the right to judge here just because he had it rough and just didn’t stop, despite OP trying to de-escalate the issue in a polite manner.
The democratic AITA community ruled that OP is not the bad guy here
In under a day, the post managed to garner over 20,000 upvotes with 75 Reddit awards. Besides this, loads of people were engaged in the discussions that followed, racking up nearly 2,800 comments.
You can read through the whole post as well as the entire comment thread here. But before you run off, tell us your thoughts on this whole situation. Who’s wrong here? Let us know in the comment section below.
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Share on FacebookIt is insane how weirdly people reacts when they realise that you are childfree. I need a hysterectomy because pregnancy would be very dangerous for me, i will have it in a few months. But despite the severe reasons it took me 2y and 4 doctors to get it aproved. My "aunts in law" defend that the doctors were right to not allow me to have it "because you are too young to decide yet". Not only I am 31 but also I didnt decide to have such a big death risk. My partner got really angry and told them that if they prefered to have me alive or to have a grandkid. Their silence said it all...
Ozacoter, ah, you got a good one! When my health risks were known, I couldn 't get a hysterectomy, etc. (I was in my late 20s, I might somehow miraculously be cured?). So my hubby got a vasectomy. At a family event where we were pestered, he stood up and yelled, "I got my balls cut!" and that.... was that. :-)
Load More Replies...Having children is a personal choice. Choosing to not have children is not reprehensible; reproducing is not required of anyone. Plus, the whole "it was hard for me, you're just throwing away your ability to reproduce" is a ridiculous argument. If you're on a diet, you don't get to deprive me of cookies.
Most people grow out of thinking that everyone should like what they like, but this sounds more like he's one of those people who thinks that people have some sort of social/familial duty to breed. Maybe he was raised that way, maybe he came to believe it during his struggles with infertility, who cares. He's wrong no matter how he became to believe such nonsense.
Load More Replies...Me thinks Alex just haven't had the right sushi yet. He'd change his tune then.
One very telling thing is “a good mother puts children above all”. Not “good father” or “good parent”. Also “we had a miscarriage” and “we had to go through IF”. No dude, your wife had to, it wasn’t your body and health on the line. This isn’t about OP’s childfree stays as much as it is about Alex being annoyed that a woman has taken a governance of her own body, and is clearly and freely disregarding his opinion. He’s gonna be one of the fathers who have an unhealthy obsession with his daughter’s virginity, for that same reason.
i had a co-worker pester me about having kids. told her i had enough trouble looking after myself, let alone children. i meant mentally, but she took it as materially and came back with "He always provides!" Nearly lost it. Almost came back with all the children "He" allows to die of illness, starvation, abuse, etc. but realized in time that this would open up a whole other can of worms, and walked away. probably the better choice, but oh, so wanted to yell at her
Um, "He" doesn't always provide.... Wow, I'd have lost it. I congratulate you for not saying anything.
Load More Replies...I'm going to add a comment from Reddit user claudia_grace because she sums it up perfectly: "Not only is it not OP's problem, it's also not something OP could have changed for them. I realize the infertile relatives may have some irrational feelings going on, but OP's husband getting a vasectomy didn't make the in-laws infertile. Had OP's husband not gotten a vasectomy, it wouldn't have helped improve the in-laws fertility." Sometimes people need to take a step back and realise that not everything revolves around them, and not every action taken by someone else is an action taken for or against them.
We also got a three bedroom house with a big garden because the cat needed more space 😁
Yes, then had to get the cat a companion because the house was so big and she got lonely! I feel ya. 😜
Load More Replies...I really don't understand why people get so upset about other people not wanting kids (or not wanting more). I have one child, I wanted him desperately for years before it happened, and he brings a lot of meaning and joy to my life. But that's ME, and I never wanted more. When he was little, total strangers would approach me and ask when I was having more, and I kept having to tell them that yes, I know I will never have another child because there's a whole field of medicine dedicated to creating and preventing babies. I can't even imagine why people think they need to force babies on people who don't want them, as if the only way to be a good human is to make more humans.
I think he was upset because she wasn't treating his family's fertility struggles as the most important thing in the entire world.
Load More Replies...I am always amazed at people who claim to want children so much when what they really want is to pass on their own DNA. If someone is having trouble getting pregnant and they really want children, then they should adopt. There are countless orphans in need of parents in the world. And all the invitro process is so expensive. Please give a loving home to a child who already exists.
My brother and his wife adopted.They are no less parents than people who share DNA with the kids they raise and much better parents than the kids bio mom and sperm doners
Load More Replies...For the love of everything you hold dear in this life, I’ll say it again, just because you choose not to have kids doesn’t make you directly responsible for the feelings or reactions of people who have issues with fertility. Too many people out there that struggle to get pregnant that make it everyone else’s issue like the woman who said she didn’t want to have kids on a separate post & a mutual friend at the same house gathering decided to go to bunch of people & cry because she felt ‘victimised’ as here she was unable to have a child of her own & had overheard another woman saying she was choosing not to have kids. You want to have a baby - you do you. If I don’t want to have a baby - I do me. Focus on your own life. Don’t worry about someone else’s womb. It’s not your business nor does it affect you in any way.
Yes. I have tremendous sympathy for those who want children but struggle or can't, but not to the point that everyone needs to tiptoe around them and never bring up that children exist or could exist at some point in time or that someone may not want them. It's like an alcoholic who is in recovery. They can avoid places that serve alcohol, they can personally make the choice not to drink alcohol, but it is not fair to say they can ban everyone in their life from drinking, mentioning alcohol, or choosing not to drink alcohol at a party because they don't want to. Can you imagine someone saying, "I *can't* drink alcohol, so you are OBLIGATED to!". It's ridiculous.
Load More Replies...by my mid-twenties, I was told don't even try again... but as a young woman, I was told no go on hysterectomy. My spouse had a vasectomy. Then we had a big family event and everyone's pestering, so he stood up and yelled (very much yelled!): "I got my balls cut!" and nobody has spoken of it since. (Well, to *us*. I mean, he stood up in a fancy restaurant full of his family and let fly. (My fam, FYI, was fine when they knew it was a medical thing.)
We have a 3 bedroom house without kids and we'd actually love a 4 bedroom b/c we have hobbies and side businesses. But we feel like two people in 1800 square feet is plenty. We got married at 45(him) and 48(me) and people still asked if we were going to try for kids. I was firmly in the throes of menopause and at 48 couldn't believe people were still asking! I was ok that that ship had sailed, had gotten used to it 3 years before when menopause started right when I met my husband. People also told us we should adopt an older or special needs child. That would have been all I needed in the middle of the s**t show that is menopause. Suddenly a mom to a teen or a kid with special needs when I'd never been a mom. Like it was still my only real role in life and this was my last chance. We like cats and are quite content.
I think childfree people should stop justifying their decision by groveling and saying “oh but I still like / love kids, I just don’t want them!” Nope, don’t like or love them and damn sure don’t want them.
The best way to shut Alex down is to just say "we do not want kids" and "hubby has had the snip to ensure we don't". "Can you please not bring this up again". Forget jokey responses, just give them the facts.
Had similar thing happen, different subject. I’ve found that people seem to take offense when someone chooses a different way than they chose, like somehow you’re insulting them. My husband & I met, I (28) he (38), each divorced & had two kids. Fall in love, blend our families. I had a best friend & lover for 35 years until I lost him a few years ago. I am an unconventional, outspoken old hippy. My man fit perfectly. We had nothing against marriage, just didn’t get around to it. Soon the questions started: so when’s the wedding? & When you going to make an honest women of this girl? Hahaha. From everyone. I’m kinda snarky, so my comebacks were like: Good god why would I want to be an honest women? Being a dishonest whore.is.so.much.more.fun! I said I just loved living in sin, why change it? Lovers are better than husbands! It really bugged people! We found that hysterical but we did make it legal five years before he passed. Good times!
I used to tell people that we were waiting for the cats to grow up. Then I found out that I had endo and my husband had an almost 0 sperm count, so my answer became just crying. It's amazing how quickly people stopped asking after that.
Ditto the fictional couple in Up the young lady she went to the doctors, she find out she can’t have any children
Load More Replies...My daughter and her husband decided from the start that they did not want children. I am so proud of them for taking that stand, and enduring the snipes from small people. In their shoes, in today's world, it seems a very wise choice to make. I would make the same decision today if I had it all to do over again.
Thank you. My father has been pushing me to have children every time we meet for the past three years (I'm 26) and it's been exhausting. So refreshing to hear other parents can be this wise. Your daughter and son-in-law are lucky to have you.
Load More Replies...Who the hell do people think they are to decide you must have children? Screw those people.
We never told anyone we were going to start "trying." We didn't tell anyone until the pregnancy was confirmed. It is no-one's business but the couple concerned. Why do people think it's OK to stick their noses into such personal business?
NTA Strange indeed to call you a bad mom if you don't have kids. I have once been told I am selfish not to have kids. Also, the person telling me this, smugly said that when she would be old and alone at least she would have people visiting her, her kids. Firstly: how can you be selfish towards kids that do not exist? And having kids to get visitors in your retirement home... who is selfish?
I can't get over the idea that not only should a mother martyr herself for her children (which I personally don't believe, because I think that just breeds resentment and unhealthy attachments, but it's a distressingly common idea), but *to a hypothetical child*. Seriously? This dude walks around and just sees all women as "mothers" or "mothers to be"? That's so offensive, I can't even wrap my head around it.
P.S. Everyone thought we took marriage lightly, with no respect for the union. What they didn’t understand was that from the day we met we were married. We called each husband & wife & meant it in a way most people sadly never experience. We were committed in such a way that signed papers from a Justice of the Peace seemed irrelevant.
NTA. It's no one's business why someone doesn't want kids or doesn't have kids. And just because someone has fertility issues does not mean your obligated to have kids to make them feel better. That's not how it works.
I feel for this couple. I choose to not have children because of health concerns and I don't feel right bringing yet another child into this messed up world we live in that is full of children who either have no one or are unwanted by whatever family they do have. I have said this many times yet I still get the same response, eye rolls and smug "You WILL change your mind, everyone loves babies!" I was even told by someone (not naming names for privacy reasons) "You need to hurry up and get over yourself and have sex with somebody already so your parents can have grandkids to snuggle!"
Wow!! My bro and his wife don't have kids. We're in our late 50's now. I have never asked them about it ( I'll admit I've been curious) because it's not my business. I don't know if they were unable or unwilling. Because it's not my business. My thought is if they ever want to discuss the private details of their private, marital life with they'll come to me and bring it up. Not holding my breath haha
Psssh! I knew I was going to be a mother when I was 8. My oldest is about to be an adult and he and one other are adamant that they don't want kids. You know what I think? I look forward to spoiling their fur babies. If you don't want kids don't have them. Just because I knew kids were my destiny doesn't mean kids were my kid's destiny. Live your life the way you believe you should life it. If your family doesn't appreciate it I will gladly adopt you!!!
NTA at all! The question should be: why do you have children? Either way, both are really personal questions to ask, but people feel so entitled to ask and make you feel like you have to justify or validate your choice . It really pisses me off
I had IVF and I've had friends being apologetic about having abortions and not wanting kids, and I'm like... why? You'd be having your kids. It has literally nothing to do with me. Yeah we struggled, and maybe I would have felt differently if we didn't succeed, but we did, and I support everyone's decision in having or not having children.
I chose not to have children for multiple reasons. Epilepsy is genetic and at least one person inherits it each generation. My grandfather had it, my mother, myself, and though it's not guaranteed any kids I had would have it, I don't want to take the chance. Kids are also a big responsibility and with multiple medical issues, I can't handle those enough to raise a child. Kids are also costly and I want to enjoy my life. I completely understand her decision to not have kids.
It's honestly shocking how many people take it personally when they hear you don't want kids. I'm Asexual and hate being touched by anyone, along with my mental health issues I am absolutely certain I should not have children. It's amazing how many people still ask me when I'm going to have children and get angry when I say I don't have any desire to have one. Even when I tell them I'm asexual and completely celibate they still try to suggest IVF etc. I have a niece and nephew whom I adore and I also have a dog. Sometimes that's enough.
Thing is, someone who had such difficulty during IV, probably with way too many people, especially family, asking them really intrusive questions about it and also asking if they’re pregnant yet right after each miscarriage, should know better than to pry into someone else’s private life—-and in this case, their sex life. Besides, if she didn’t know about the decision to remain childless, you’d think Alex would assume the OP and her husband are simply having similar difficulties trying to conceive, and would prefer to just not talk about it, ffs. Then again, Alex sounds like the type who’d try to sidle up the the OP like they’re now “sisters”, because they have this really deep thing in common—-even if the OP would just rather not.
I'm a bit puzzled nobody inbetween hisses something like "Back off Alex, surely you must understand some people aren't by choice childfree, shut up"? A baldfaced misdirection, but "I don't want to talk about it" is 100% acceptable followup. That said, their bonfire their guestlist; too bad, was nice knowing them, byebye, the end.
Anyone who asks people when they are going to have children is an asshole. Double asshole points if they also can't take a hint when a person tries to laugh it off and just won't shut up. It's a very personal topic, and even if they were planning a child and she was in fact pregnant at that very moment, she wouldn't have to inform every nosy jerk about that.
Honestly, I see every day how bad in parenting some people can be. Plus the is nearly 8 bilion people on the planet. So there's no need to push anyone. On the other hand when our first kid was born I felt like EVERYBODY had lied to me how wonderful, great and awesome it was to become a mother...and I was tired to death, hurting after the labor for a loooong time and scared about everything regarding the baby's health, weight gaining, etc. Like if parenting was a secret VIP club with the only purpose - to get involved as many people as possible in order not to face the chaos alone 🙃
My husband and I tried for years, the fertility drugs and hormone therapies were making me miserable I used to vomit several times a day I lost over 30lbs in a year being sick not being able to eat or drink much...it was his decision to stop the treatment he said he wanted his healthy wife over children and that was that...once a distant relative brought it up in a similar fashion as this "Alex" and before I could say anything my husband kinda yelled "you didn't see what it was doing to her I did and f*ck that! I've never been prouder to be his wife honestly:)
Family are always the most petty of all opponents. Being an a-h-- at his level must be very demanding on his fragile psyche. This has nothing to do with crotch goblins and everything to do with Alex's misguided need to proselytize and signal his moral superiority. If your family were actually mature adults they would boycott his gathering until he calms his tits and maybe even seek counseling.
You choosing not to have children because children should be wanted instead of an accident, and you just don't want them - that's a mature decision. Deciding to have children, struggling with fertility, asking other people personal questions about their fertility choices, then getting angry at that persons fertility choice - immature decision. Alex is man-child, he should not be having children if he's this rude and disrespectful to other people. Cue him turning into a Karen when he becomes a parent. Tell him and everyone else to sod off, you owe NO ONE an explanation on how you choose to life your life. You do not owe your family or anyone else in this world children because they think you should have them. You're helping ease world overpopulation, Alex isn't. Alex is a moron. Tell him to slink his hook.
Alex sounds like a nasty bully. Not inviting you to a party because you wont conform to HIS life choices? Yuk. I love kids, but chose not to have them. Got so sick of people with this attitude that I am wrong, they are such a joy to have, it's my duty as a woman, blah blah blah. Now when I am asked I just say 'I f*****g hate the little shits'. It shuts them up.
¨iT yoUr DUty aS a WoMAn!¨ well it is your duty as a man to work and fight in wars. So go into battle and DIE.
Load More Replies...Alex is 100% jealous of you and I would go as far as suspecting him of regretting having kids himself.
What. Is. Happening?! How sad and pathetic to feel like you have any sort of right to an opinion about somebody else not choosing to have children. It literally doesn't affect you and has nothing to do with you. And also it's a little creepy how insistent this person is that they should be having children. I'm actually a little disturbed by it.
They are just jelous and wish they were kid free.. so weird how people are so worried about other people's lives when it has NOTHING to do with them. LMAO.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, its your decision (your partner included) and yours only and you shouldn't need to justify it since its nobody's business but your own People's attitude seem to change the minute somebody mentions not.wanting to have kids ,especially the women one of the problems of our society is that we are "tied" to the role of mother and it becomes strange that you are not. The family member sounds bitter or jealous about the lack of struggles that the couple haven't gone through and is acting a bit petty Don't let them bother you, continue with your life and let them stew in their own juice
Huuuuuummmm, maybe Alex feels baby trapped and wants others to be miserable too?
I've never understood the leap of "I can't have kids therefore your choice not to offends me" Your infertility has nothing to do with my life.
NTA. Alex needs to mind her own business and learn to laugh a bit.
NTA. So many people that struggle to have kids get so angry at people that can have kids, but don't by choice. Where..in the realm of relationships and marriages..is it a requirement to have kids? And if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question. he knew they didn't want kids but felt it necessary to jump in there with both feet and ask. I understand the struggle at wanting to have a child when you can't, but that does not give you the right to try to pester other people to have kids.
She knows she wouldn’t make a parent so they make the responsible decision to prevent any mishaps and still get b@#$&&d out. Can’t please some people
Alex is an idiot. Would she feel better if you could get pregnant instantly woth no hassle? Then she'd be bitching how it's not fair.
Wow Alex was totally out of line through the whole thing. First, it's none of her business. Second, her response to their honest answer was inappropriate. Third, not inviting them to a traditional family gathering is petty and childish. She is the one who should not have children.
It reminds me of a movie I have seen recently. A family, including 4 grown up siblings and their mother come together for fathers funeral. Oldest brother and his wife get asked countless times about when are they gonna have kids. They brush it off, but it hurts because they've actually been trying for years without effect. And then, younger brother finds out that his (soon to be ex) wife is pregnant with his baby and they never tried to concieve. That information makes older brothers wife burst with anger. Later she apologised, because of course it's not anybodys fault. I completely understood her reaction and felt sorry for her. It must have been so frustrating for her. But that doesn't make her BIL an asshole for getting his wife pregnant without trying.
I was one of those childfree couples for about 15 years. We did run into this sort of thing from family, but not often. Turns out both my (ex) wife and I are high-function Autistic. In my case, not a lot of empathy. Her, too. My father had none. My sister's son has Schizophrenia. Clinical depression is on and off throughout the family. No one gives me any grief now. Really, though, these people are projecting their need for justification.
Geez another snowflake who thinks the world revolves around them. You have your issues and I have mine. When life gives me crap that doesn't mean I have the right to take it out on people that are doing alright.
Not the AH. The in law is jealous having seen the kind of home they could have had if they hadn't had crotch goblins.
Same thing happens to me. People keep asking and asking when we are having kids. It gets extremely annoying. I can't say my real reason to them because they will get offended. (I don't want kids because this world is crap and I don't want to bring a human being who did not ask for it, into it, plus Im too busy to care for a child). So my husband and I always say "oh No! We were having too much fun that we forgot to have kids! Whoops!" They still get annoyed by it, but they don't stop asking lol
Were you a little flippant? Maybe, I guess... Were you the AH? Definitely not. You could have answered that you weren't having kids in a variety of ways, but no matter how gently you answered or how you tried to deflect the question entirely, I don't think it would matter. Alex would still get upset. And it's okay for you to answer the invasive question with a lighthearted, "flippant" joke if you want.
So their choice to struggle to have kids is more important and significant than your choice not to?! NTA
Because that's part of WHY Alex was so upset. Alex is the one who brought it up.
Load More Replies...It is insane how weirdly people reacts when they realise that you are childfree. I need a hysterectomy because pregnancy would be very dangerous for me, i will have it in a few months. But despite the severe reasons it took me 2y and 4 doctors to get it aproved. My "aunts in law" defend that the doctors were right to not allow me to have it "because you are too young to decide yet". Not only I am 31 but also I didnt decide to have such a big death risk. My partner got really angry and told them that if they prefered to have me alive or to have a grandkid. Their silence said it all...
Ozacoter, ah, you got a good one! When my health risks were known, I couldn 't get a hysterectomy, etc. (I was in my late 20s, I might somehow miraculously be cured?). So my hubby got a vasectomy. At a family event where we were pestered, he stood up and yelled, "I got my balls cut!" and that.... was that. :-)
Load More Replies...Having children is a personal choice. Choosing to not have children is not reprehensible; reproducing is not required of anyone. Plus, the whole "it was hard for me, you're just throwing away your ability to reproduce" is a ridiculous argument. If you're on a diet, you don't get to deprive me of cookies.
Most people grow out of thinking that everyone should like what they like, but this sounds more like he's one of those people who thinks that people have some sort of social/familial duty to breed. Maybe he was raised that way, maybe he came to believe it during his struggles with infertility, who cares. He's wrong no matter how he became to believe such nonsense.
Load More Replies...Me thinks Alex just haven't had the right sushi yet. He'd change his tune then.
One very telling thing is “a good mother puts children above all”. Not “good father” or “good parent”. Also “we had a miscarriage” and “we had to go through IF”. No dude, your wife had to, it wasn’t your body and health on the line. This isn’t about OP’s childfree stays as much as it is about Alex being annoyed that a woman has taken a governance of her own body, and is clearly and freely disregarding his opinion. He’s gonna be one of the fathers who have an unhealthy obsession with his daughter’s virginity, for that same reason.
i had a co-worker pester me about having kids. told her i had enough trouble looking after myself, let alone children. i meant mentally, but she took it as materially and came back with "He always provides!" Nearly lost it. Almost came back with all the children "He" allows to die of illness, starvation, abuse, etc. but realized in time that this would open up a whole other can of worms, and walked away. probably the better choice, but oh, so wanted to yell at her
Um, "He" doesn't always provide.... Wow, I'd have lost it. I congratulate you for not saying anything.
Load More Replies...I'm going to add a comment from Reddit user claudia_grace because she sums it up perfectly: "Not only is it not OP's problem, it's also not something OP could have changed for them. I realize the infertile relatives may have some irrational feelings going on, but OP's husband getting a vasectomy didn't make the in-laws infertile. Had OP's husband not gotten a vasectomy, it wouldn't have helped improve the in-laws fertility." Sometimes people need to take a step back and realise that not everything revolves around them, and not every action taken by someone else is an action taken for or against them.
We also got a three bedroom house with a big garden because the cat needed more space 😁
Yes, then had to get the cat a companion because the house was so big and she got lonely! I feel ya. 😜
Load More Replies...I really don't understand why people get so upset about other people not wanting kids (or not wanting more). I have one child, I wanted him desperately for years before it happened, and he brings a lot of meaning and joy to my life. But that's ME, and I never wanted more. When he was little, total strangers would approach me and ask when I was having more, and I kept having to tell them that yes, I know I will never have another child because there's a whole field of medicine dedicated to creating and preventing babies. I can't even imagine why people think they need to force babies on people who don't want them, as if the only way to be a good human is to make more humans.
I think he was upset because she wasn't treating his family's fertility struggles as the most important thing in the entire world.
Load More Replies...I am always amazed at people who claim to want children so much when what they really want is to pass on their own DNA. If someone is having trouble getting pregnant and they really want children, then they should adopt. There are countless orphans in need of parents in the world. And all the invitro process is so expensive. Please give a loving home to a child who already exists.
My brother and his wife adopted.They are no less parents than people who share DNA with the kids they raise and much better parents than the kids bio mom and sperm doners
Load More Replies...For the love of everything you hold dear in this life, I’ll say it again, just because you choose not to have kids doesn’t make you directly responsible for the feelings or reactions of people who have issues with fertility. Too many people out there that struggle to get pregnant that make it everyone else’s issue like the woman who said she didn’t want to have kids on a separate post & a mutual friend at the same house gathering decided to go to bunch of people & cry because she felt ‘victimised’ as here she was unable to have a child of her own & had overheard another woman saying she was choosing not to have kids. You want to have a baby - you do you. If I don’t want to have a baby - I do me. Focus on your own life. Don’t worry about someone else’s womb. It’s not your business nor does it affect you in any way.
Yes. I have tremendous sympathy for those who want children but struggle or can't, but not to the point that everyone needs to tiptoe around them and never bring up that children exist or could exist at some point in time or that someone may not want them. It's like an alcoholic who is in recovery. They can avoid places that serve alcohol, they can personally make the choice not to drink alcohol, but it is not fair to say they can ban everyone in their life from drinking, mentioning alcohol, or choosing not to drink alcohol at a party because they don't want to. Can you imagine someone saying, "I *can't* drink alcohol, so you are OBLIGATED to!". It's ridiculous.
Load More Replies...by my mid-twenties, I was told don't even try again... but as a young woman, I was told no go on hysterectomy. My spouse had a vasectomy. Then we had a big family event and everyone's pestering, so he stood up and yelled (very much yelled!): "I got my balls cut!" and nobody has spoken of it since. (Well, to *us*. I mean, he stood up in a fancy restaurant full of his family and let fly. (My fam, FYI, was fine when they knew it was a medical thing.)
We have a 3 bedroom house without kids and we'd actually love a 4 bedroom b/c we have hobbies and side businesses. But we feel like two people in 1800 square feet is plenty. We got married at 45(him) and 48(me) and people still asked if we were going to try for kids. I was firmly in the throes of menopause and at 48 couldn't believe people were still asking! I was ok that that ship had sailed, had gotten used to it 3 years before when menopause started right when I met my husband. People also told us we should adopt an older or special needs child. That would have been all I needed in the middle of the s**t show that is menopause. Suddenly a mom to a teen or a kid with special needs when I'd never been a mom. Like it was still my only real role in life and this was my last chance. We like cats and are quite content.
I think childfree people should stop justifying their decision by groveling and saying “oh but I still like / love kids, I just don’t want them!” Nope, don’t like or love them and damn sure don’t want them.
The best way to shut Alex down is to just say "we do not want kids" and "hubby has had the snip to ensure we don't". "Can you please not bring this up again". Forget jokey responses, just give them the facts.
Had similar thing happen, different subject. I’ve found that people seem to take offense when someone chooses a different way than they chose, like somehow you’re insulting them. My husband & I met, I (28) he (38), each divorced & had two kids. Fall in love, blend our families. I had a best friend & lover for 35 years until I lost him a few years ago. I am an unconventional, outspoken old hippy. My man fit perfectly. We had nothing against marriage, just didn’t get around to it. Soon the questions started: so when’s the wedding? & When you going to make an honest women of this girl? Hahaha. From everyone. I’m kinda snarky, so my comebacks were like: Good god why would I want to be an honest women? Being a dishonest whore.is.so.much.more.fun! I said I just loved living in sin, why change it? Lovers are better than husbands! It really bugged people! We found that hysterical but we did make it legal five years before he passed. Good times!
I used to tell people that we were waiting for the cats to grow up. Then I found out that I had endo and my husband had an almost 0 sperm count, so my answer became just crying. It's amazing how quickly people stopped asking after that.
Ditto the fictional couple in Up the young lady she went to the doctors, she find out she can’t have any children
Load More Replies...My daughter and her husband decided from the start that they did not want children. I am so proud of them for taking that stand, and enduring the snipes from small people. In their shoes, in today's world, it seems a very wise choice to make. I would make the same decision today if I had it all to do over again.
Thank you. My father has been pushing me to have children every time we meet for the past three years (I'm 26) and it's been exhausting. So refreshing to hear other parents can be this wise. Your daughter and son-in-law are lucky to have you.
Load More Replies...Who the hell do people think they are to decide you must have children? Screw those people.
We never told anyone we were going to start "trying." We didn't tell anyone until the pregnancy was confirmed. It is no-one's business but the couple concerned. Why do people think it's OK to stick their noses into such personal business?
NTA Strange indeed to call you a bad mom if you don't have kids. I have once been told I am selfish not to have kids. Also, the person telling me this, smugly said that when she would be old and alone at least she would have people visiting her, her kids. Firstly: how can you be selfish towards kids that do not exist? And having kids to get visitors in your retirement home... who is selfish?
I can't get over the idea that not only should a mother martyr herself for her children (which I personally don't believe, because I think that just breeds resentment and unhealthy attachments, but it's a distressingly common idea), but *to a hypothetical child*. Seriously? This dude walks around and just sees all women as "mothers" or "mothers to be"? That's so offensive, I can't even wrap my head around it.
P.S. Everyone thought we took marriage lightly, with no respect for the union. What they didn’t understand was that from the day we met we were married. We called each husband & wife & meant it in a way most people sadly never experience. We were committed in such a way that signed papers from a Justice of the Peace seemed irrelevant.
NTA. It's no one's business why someone doesn't want kids or doesn't have kids. And just because someone has fertility issues does not mean your obligated to have kids to make them feel better. That's not how it works.
I feel for this couple. I choose to not have children because of health concerns and I don't feel right bringing yet another child into this messed up world we live in that is full of children who either have no one or are unwanted by whatever family they do have. I have said this many times yet I still get the same response, eye rolls and smug "You WILL change your mind, everyone loves babies!" I was even told by someone (not naming names for privacy reasons) "You need to hurry up and get over yourself and have sex with somebody already so your parents can have grandkids to snuggle!"
Wow!! My bro and his wife don't have kids. We're in our late 50's now. I have never asked them about it ( I'll admit I've been curious) because it's not my business. I don't know if they were unable or unwilling. Because it's not my business. My thought is if they ever want to discuss the private details of their private, marital life with they'll come to me and bring it up. Not holding my breath haha
Psssh! I knew I was going to be a mother when I was 8. My oldest is about to be an adult and he and one other are adamant that they don't want kids. You know what I think? I look forward to spoiling their fur babies. If you don't want kids don't have them. Just because I knew kids were my destiny doesn't mean kids were my kid's destiny. Live your life the way you believe you should life it. If your family doesn't appreciate it I will gladly adopt you!!!
NTA at all! The question should be: why do you have children? Either way, both are really personal questions to ask, but people feel so entitled to ask and make you feel like you have to justify or validate your choice . It really pisses me off
I had IVF and I've had friends being apologetic about having abortions and not wanting kids, and I'm like... why? You'd be having your kids. It has literally nothing to do with me. Yeah we struggled, and maybe I would have felt differently if we didn't succeed, but we did, and I support everyone's decision in having or not having children.
I chose not to have children for multiple reasons. Epilepsy is genetic and at least one person inherits it each generation. My grandfather had it, my mother, myself, and though it's not guaranteed any kids I had would have it, I don't want to take the chance. Kids are also a big responsibility and with multiple medical issues, I can't handle those enough to raise a child. Kids are also costly and I want to enjoy my life. I completely understand her decision to not have kids.
It's honestly shocking how many people take it personally when they hear you don't want kids. I'm Asexual and hate being touched by anyone, along with my mental health issues I am absolutely certain I should not have children. It's amazing how many people still ask me when I'm going to have children and get angry when I say I don't have any desire to have one. Even when I tell them I'm asexual and completely celibate they still try to suggest IVF etc. I have a niece and nephew whom I adore and I also have a dog. Sometimes that's enough.
Thing is, someone who had such difficulty during IV, probably with way too many people, especially family, asking them really intrusive questions about it and also asking if they’re pregnant yet right after each miscarriage, should know better than to pry into someone else’s private life—-and in this case, their sex life. Besides, if she didn’t know about the decision to remain childless, you’d think Alex would assume the OP and her husband are simply having similar difficulties trying to conceive, and would prefer to just not talk about it, ffs. Then again, Alex sounds like the type who’d try to sidle up the the OP like they’re now “sisters”, because they have this really deep thing in common—-even if the OP would just rather not.
I'm a bit puzzled nobody inbetween hisses something like "Back off Alex, surely you must understand some people aren't by choice childfree, shut up"? A baldfaced misdirection, but "I don't want to talk about it" is 100% acceptable followup. That said, their bonfire their guestlist; too bad, was nice knowing them, byebye, the end.
Anyone who asks people when they are going to have children is an asshole. Double asshole points if they also can't take a hint when a person tries to laugh it off and just won't shut up. It's a very personal topic, and even if they were planning a child and she was in fact pregnant at that very moment, she wouldn't have to inform every nosy jerk about that.
Honestly, I see every day how bad in parenting some people can be. Plus the is nearly 8 bilion people on the planet. So there's no need to push anyone. On the other hand when our first kid was born I felt like EVERYBODY had lied to me how wonderful, great and awesome it was to become a mother...and I was tired to death, hurting after the labor for a loooong time and scared about everything regarding the baby's health, weight gaining, etc. Like if parenting was a secret VIP club with the only purpose - to get involved as many people as possible in order not to face the chaos alone 🙃
My husband and I tried for years, the fertility drugs and hormone therapies were making me miserable I used to vomit several times a day I lost over 30lbs in a year being sick not being able to eat or drink much...it was his decision to stop the treatment he said he wanted his healthy wife over children and that was that...once a distant relative brought it up in a similar fashion as this "Alex" and before I could say anything my husband kinda yelled "you didn't see what it was doing to her I did and f*ck that! I've never been prouder to be his wife honestly:)
Family are always the most petty of all opponents. Being an a-h-- at his level must be very demanding on his fragile psyche. This has nothing to do with crotch goblins and everything to do with Alex's misguided need to proselytize and signal his moral superiority. If your family were actually mature adults they would boycott his gathering until he calms his tits and maybe even seek counseling.
You choosing not to have children because children should be wanted instead of an accident, and you just don't want them - that's a mature decision. Deciding to have children, struggling with fertility, asking other people personal questions about their fertility choices, then getting angry at that persons fertility choice - immature decision. Alex is man-child, he should not be having children if he's this rude and disrespectful to other people. Cue him turning into a Karen when he becomes a parent. Tell him and everyone else to sod off, you owe NO ONE an explanation on how you choose to life your life. You do not owe your family or anyone else in this world children because they think you should have them. You're helping ease world overpopulation, Alex isn't. Alex is a moron. Tell him to slink his hook.
Alex sounds like a nasty bully. Not inviting you to a party because you wont conform to HIS life choices? Yuk. I love kids, but chose not to have them. Got so sick of people with this attitude that I am wrong, they are such a joy to have, it's my duty as a woman, blah blah blah. Now when I am asked I just say 'I f*****g hate the little shits'. It shuts them up.
¨iT yoUr DUty aS a WoMAn!¨ well it is your duty as a man to work and fight in wars. So go into battle and DIE.
Load More Replies...Alex is 100% jealous of you and I would go as far as suspecting him of regretting having kids himself.
What. Is. Happening?! How sad and pathetic to feel like you have any sort of right to an opinion about somebody else not choosing to have children. It literally doesn't affect you and has nothing to do with you. And also it's a little creepy how insistent this person is that they should be having children. I'm actually a little disturbed by it.
They are just jelous and wish they were kid free.. so weird how people are so worried about other people's lives when it has NOTHING to do with them. LMAO.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children, its your decision (your partner included) and yours only and you shouldn't need to justify it since its nobody's business but your own People's attitude seem to change the minute somebody mentions not.wanting to have kids ,especially the women one of the problems of our society is that we are "tied" to the role of mother and it becomes strange that you are not. The family member sounds bitter or jealous about the lack of struggles that the couple haven't gone through and is acting a bit petty Don't let them bother you, continue with your life and let them stew in their own juice
Huuuuuummmm, maybe Alex feels baby trapped and wants others to be miserable too?
I've never understood the leap of "I can't have kids therefore your choice not to offends me" Your infertility has nothing to do with my life.
NTA. Alex needs to mind her own business and learn to laugh a bit.
NTA. So many people that struggle to have kids get so angry at people that can have kids, but don't by choice. Where..in the realm of relationships and marriages..is it a requirement to have kids? And if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question. he knew they didn't want kids but felt it necessary to jump in there with both feet and ask. I understand the struggle at wanting to have a child when you can't, but that does not give you the right to try to pester other people to have kids.
She knows she wouldn’t make a parent so they make the responsible decision to prevent any mishaps and still get b@#$&&d out. Can’t please some people
Alex is an idiot. Would she feel better if you could get pregnant instantly woth no hassle? Then she'd be bitching how it's not fair.
Wow Alex was totally out of line through the whole thing. First, it's none of her business. Second, her response to their honest answer was inappropriate. Third, not inviting them to a traditional family gathering is petty and childish. She is the one who should not have children.
It reminds me of a movie I have seen recently. A family, including 4 grown up siblings and their mother come together for fathers funeral. Oldest brother and his wife get asked countless times about when are they gonna have kids. They brush it off, but it hurts because they've actually been trying for years without effect. And then, younger brother finds out that his (soon to be ex) wife is pregnant with his baby and they never tried to concieve. That information makes older brothers wife burst with anger. Later she apologised, because of course it's not anybodys fault. I completely understood her reaction and felt sorry for her. It must have been so frustrating for her. But that doesn't make her BIL an asshole for getting his wife pregnant without trying.
I was one of those childfree couples for about 15 years. We did run into this sort of thing from family, but not often. Turns out both my (ex) wife and I are high-function Autistic. In my case, not a lot of empathy. Her, too. My father had none. My sister's son has Schizophrenia. Clinical depression is on and off throughout the family. No one gives me any grief now. Really, though, these people are projecting their need for justification.
Geez another snowflake who thinks the world revolves around them. You have your issues and I have mine. When life gives me crap that doesn't mean I have the right to take it out on people that are doing alright.
Not the AH. The in law is jealous having seen the kind of home they could have had if they hadn't had crotch goblins.
Same thing happens to me. People keep asking and asking when we are having kids. It gets extremely annoying. I can't say my real reason to them because they will get offended. (I don't want kids because this world is crap and I don't want to bring a human being who did not ask for it, into it, plus Im too busy to care for a child). So my husband and I always say "oh No! We were having too much fun that we forgot to have kids! Whoops!" They still get annoyed by it, but they don't stop asking lol
Were you a little flippant? Maybe, I guess... Were you the AH? Definitely not. You could have answered that you weren't having kids in a variety of ways, but no matter how gently you answered or how you tried to deflect the question entirely, I don't think it would matter. Alex would still get upset. And it's okay for you to answer the invasive question with a lighthearted, "flippant" joke if you want.
So their choice to struggle to have kids is more important and significant than your choice not to?! NTA
Because that's part of WHY Alex was so upset. Alex is the one who brought it up.
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