Parents Wonder Why Their 17 Y.O. Is So Distant After They Neglected Him But Not His Siblings
Theoretically, parents are supposed to be the people who raise the children in their care. Practically, it’s not always the truth. Sometimes, people have children when they’re too young themselves and can’t give a child proper care. In this case, the child is lucky if there are other adults who can take care of them. And sometimes, these parents come back around later and expect their basically abandoned child to be grateful for them being a good parent to someone else. And yes, that’s exactly what happened in today’s story.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes, parents gain their parental instincts unacceptably late after the lack of these instincts leaves a negative impact on their child
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
A 17-year-old teen’s parents had him when they were too young, so the boy grew up in his grandparents’ care
Later, the parents had younger kids, whom they took care of more than they ever did for their first son
Image credits: Yaroslav Shuraev (not the actual photo)
To fix the issues brought on by their absence, they asked their firstborn to go to therapy with them
Image credits: Elina Fairytale (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/More-Lettuce-8160
Turns out, the teen doesn’t think that taking care of his younger siblings makes up for the way they treated him when he was little, which made them call the boy a jerk
When the OP was born, his parents were merely 21 years old. At the time, their parental instincts hadn’t kicked in yet. So, during the majority of the boy’s childhood, he was raised by his grandparents. They were the people who taught him basic life skills, encouraged him to find his passion, and all of that.
It also didn’t help that the parents basically resented their first child. There are many ways parents can show resentment towards their children. For instance, it can manifest as over-monitoring a child’s every move, imposing their own aspirations on their children, or invalidating a kid’s feelings. In the case of the story’s parents, it showed up as complaining about giving signatures, not showing up for school events, not wanting to deal with a sick child, and so on.
Just as there are many ways resentment shows up, there are quite a few reasons why it shows up, too. If the resentment is short-timed and doesn’t happen day to day, it can show up simply because they’re tired, stressed, or anything similar.
But if the resentment seeps into daily life, there could be more serious underlying issues. For example, if a parent constantly feels that they would like to go back to a time before they had kids and had time to do things they love, it can surely feel icky for them. And it doesn’t feel good for the kid either, as, usually, the resentment manifests in poor behavior. The parents from the story are a good representation of such a case.
Image credits: Sébastien Mouilleau (not the actual photo)
Speaking of the parents, after some time, they decided to have more kids. Knowing the way they treated their first one, it seems like kind of a bad decision, doesn’t it? Well, apparently, it wasn’t, as now they’re better parents to these children than they ever were to the OP. Not only are they not showing any resentment towards them, but they’re also properly taking care of them.
The couple also decided to bring their first child to therapy so they could resolve everything between them. There, it was revealed that the parents hoped that having younger children and taking care of them properly would make up for not doing it all for their first son.
This sounded like complete nonsense to the post’s author. After all, while these parents are their biological ones, the teen views their grandparents as their real ones, as they were the ones who raised him. Also, for this reason, the boy doesn’t view his siblings as such, as, in his mind, they have different parents.
This revelation caused the original poster to be called a jerk for not taking joy in his siblings having better parents than he did, which prompted him to come on Reddit to ask whether people online also thought so.
And these people didn’t think the same way teen’s parents did. They saw nothing wrong in his words but saw plenty of wrongfulness in the parents’. Actually, they saw wrongfulness not only in their words but in their actions, too. Pawning your child to be raised by your parents and expecting that child to be happy you didn’t do the same to other children didn’t go over so well with the netizens’ moral code. So, the verdict was that the OP wasn’t the jerk.
People online disagreed with the sentiment of the teen being a jerk but fully agreed that the actual jerks here were the parents
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Nah, don't worry. Your parents just try to weasel out of having to confront the fact that they were indeed crappy parents to you. It doesn't matter they're better parents now; it's not about your siblings, it's about you. They are trying to guilt you into forgiving them. If you can't forgive them, that's okay and understandable. '
They are probably also worried about when their younger kids get older and start asking questions about the older brother. Like their image will be tarnished, so they’re trying to bandaid it instead of doing the actual work of admitting and working through their mistakes.
Load More Replies...
I've learned that you can forgive someone and then never allow them to be in a position to do further damage.
Why should he forgive? I don't agree with the 'forgive them for yourself' trope. You can go on and live a good life without fixating on the perpetrators, but you don't have to 'forgive' them. You just accept that is who they are, and move on, without letting them have any influence on your life.
Load More Replies...
Use therapy to get parents to agree to some financial support past 18. It's not legally binding but they may feel obligated because the younger sibs heard. But protect yourself, get out, stay in touch with your grandparents and you'll find new family. It sounds like you've already made most of the hard realisations, once you're out of the house everything gets easier.
It's a sure bet that when the grandparents pass away, they're going to leave a considerable amount of moola for OP. Then watch his parents turn on the parental "love." Suddenly, they'll become the best parents any teen could have. OP needs to make definite plans to move out at 18 NOW. I hope he can move in with his grandparents, at least until his plans solidify. When he hits that magic number, he should DEMAND his SS card, birth certificate, and any other necessary documents. By no means should he allow his parents to obtain his diploma, and should probably have his mail redirected to a post office box. It wouldn't be beyond logic for those two to try and trap him into remaining at that house. I wish him the best of everything.
It sounds like the parents realize they made big mistakes with OP, but if they were truly remorseful they'd be asking for forgiveness and trying to make up for it instead of just expecting to be forgiven because they're doing better with their younger children. That's too much to ask from any 17-year old.
I think he should go to family therapy with them. Lay out everything he spilled on Reddit. Chances are the therapist will not be impressed with the parents. They will get some hard truths given to them. And it'll be costing them money. On a different note, 21 is not that young to have a kid. Yes, it's young, but it's not like they were still teens in high school. At 21 they're nearly finished college and well on the way to being actual functioning adults. I'd have more sympathy for the parents if they had been 16 year olds when they gave him up but 21? Hell no.
NTA, OP. My mother was a teenager when she had me and really messed up. Decades later, she had a few more kids whom she showered with affection. My siblings and I had completely different versions of her. It's sad because even though she's gone, the family has been torn apart for good.
Parents are : 1. Looking for a built-in babysitter 2. Ease their conscience by being able to say they tried to make amends, with no real expectation of being successful 3. Worried about inheritance going to OP , they feel entitled to it
NTA... your egg/sperm donor either weren't ready to be parents at all or they resented you for "ruining" their youth because they had a kid in their early twenties. My guess is both!! Once they became "mature" enough to raise a family they obviously thought this is a second chance to start all over & fresh with your younger "siblings". So that is probably why they treat them completely different. I say go full no contact with them, move on with your life & be/do better. They don't deserve your upmost attention... now.
Btw you are under nobobkigation to forgive anyone. Also forgiveness doesnt always heal you. It can harm you and your emotional development. You are soon old enough to live independently of your parents. NTA. Also the thing someone said about at least adopters want their kids. That isnt true either. I have close friends who ended up with some monster adoptive parents. Some people are just selfish and destructive. Ask your therapist for therapy on your own. You cant fix their issues, but you can work on you and get a clearer idea of what your dealing with as you were coping with their BS.
I'll die on this hill but everyone should be sterilised at birth and have to pass a test as a couple to have kids. One off test that tests kindness, empathy and love. Pick a dud? No kids. Looking to birth some online insta fame so you can influence? No kids. Want t have kids to help fix your terrible marriage? No kids . Sad lonely single lady? No kids. The only people in the modern world that should have kids are those who decided they shouldn't to save those kids the future they'll inherited, rest of you are selfish AF.0
Nah, don't worry. Your parents just try to weasel out of having to confront the fact that they were indeed crappy parents to you. It doesn't matter they're better parents now; it's not about your siblings, it's about you. They are trying to guilt you into forgiving them. If you can't forgive them, that's okay and understandable. '
They are probably also worried about when their younger kids get older and start asking questions about the older brother. Like their image will be tarnished, so they’re trying to bandaid it instead of doing the actual work of admitting and working through their mistakes.
Load More Replies... I've learned that you can forgive someone and then never allow them to be in a position to do further damage.
Why should he forgive? I don't agree with the 'forgive them for yourself' trope. You can go on and live a good life without fixating on the perpetrators, but you don't have to 'forgive' them. You just accept that is who they are, and move on, without letting them have any influence on your life.
Load More Replies... Use therapy to get parents to agree to some financial support past 18. It's not legally binding but they may feel obligated because the younger sibs heard. But protect yourself, get out, stay in touch with your grandparents and you'll find new family. It sounds like you've already made most of the hard realisations, once you're out of the house everything gets easier.
It's a sure bet that when the grandparents pass away, they're going to leave a considerable amount of moola for OP. Then watch his parents turn on the parental "love." Suddenly, they'll become the best parents any teen could have. OP needs to make definite plans to move out at 18 NOW. I hope he can move in with his grandparents, at least until his plans solidify. When he hits that magic number, he should DEMAND his SS card, birth certificate, and any other necessary documents. By no means should he allow his parents to obtain his diploma, and should probably have his mail redirected to a post office box. It wouldn't be beyond logic for those two to try and trap him into remaining at that house. I wish him the best of everything.
It sounds like the parents realize they made big mistakes with OP, but if they were truly remorseful they'd be asking for forgiveness and trying to make up for it instead of just expecting to be forgiven because they're doing better with their younger children. That's too much to ask from any 17-year old.
I think he should go to family therapy with them. Lay out everything he spilled on Reddit. Chances are the therapist will not be impressed with the parents. They will get some hard truths given to them. And it'll be costing them money. On a different note, 21 is not that young to have a kid. Yes, it's young, but it's not like they were still teens in high school. At 21 they're nearly finished college and well on the way to being actual functioning adults. I'd have more sympathy for the parents if they had been 16 year olds when they gave him up but 21? Hell no.
NTA, OP. My mother was a teenager when she had me and really messed up. Decades later, she had a few more kids whom she showered with affection. My siblings and I had completely different versions of her. It's sad because even though she's gone, the family has been torn apart for good.
Parents are : 1. Looking for a built-in babysitter 2. Ease their conscience by being able to say they tried to make amends, with no real expectation of being successful 3. Worried about inheritance going to OP , they feel entitled to it
NTA... your egg/sperm donor either weren't ready to be parents at all or they resented you for "ruining" their youth because they had a kid in their early twenties. My guess is both!! Once they became "mature" enough to raise a family they obviously thought this is a second chance to start all over & fresh with your younger "siblings". So that is probably why they treat them completely different. I say go full no contact with them, move on with your life & be/do better. They don't deserve your upmost attention... now.
Btw you are under nobobkigation to forgive anyone. Also forgiveness doesnt always heal you. It can harm you and your emotional development. You are soon old enough to live independently of your parents. NTA. Also the thing someone said about at least adopters want their kids. That isnt true either. I have close friends who ended up with some monster adoptive parents. Some people are just selfish and destructive. Ask your therapist for therapy on your own. You cant fix their issues, but you can work on you and get a clearer idea of what your dealing with as you were coping with their BS.
I'll die on this hill but everyone should be sterilised at birth and have to pass a test as a couple to have kids. One off test that tests kindness, empathy and love. Pick a dud? No kids. Looking to birth some online insta fame so you can influence? No kids. Want t have kids to help fix your terrible marriage? No kids . Sad lonely single lady? No kids. The only people in the modern world that should have kids are those who decided they shouldn't to save those kids the future they'll inherited, rest of you are selfish AF.0
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