Woman Meets Bio Brother Who She Last Saw 20 Years Ago, Gets Upset As He Doesn’t Take Her Right In
Interview With Expert
The world is not a very fair place. Many factors impact where we end up in life, and unfortunately, a great deal of them are completely out of our control, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise.
A great example of this is the foster care system. As one Redditor shared, when he and his sister were given up by their biological parents, they happened to be separated from each other. While he was fortunate enough to be quickly adopted by some wonderful people, the girl never found a new family. When they met up some 20 years later, she couldn’t hold back her understandable jealousy that quickly made things uncomfortable for everyone involved. Scroll down to read the full story!
More info: Reddit
Life is not fair, but demanding others to make up for your troubles even though they deserve no blame is not right either
Image credits: Jessica Rockowitz (not the actual photo)
A guy was placed in foster care when he was two and got quickly adopted by a nice and loving family who gave him a great life
Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)
Around 20 years later, he was sought out by his bio half-sister, who never got adopted despite being placed in the system at the same time
Image credits: Andrew Ly (not the actual photo)
The sister got very upset that her brother got it so much better than her and started making uncomfortable requests and complaints, telling him that he owed her
Image credits: u/throwaway45282258
The guy rejected her, saying that he was sorry for how her life turned out, but neither he nor his family were responsible for it, making the sister extremely mad
The OP began by sharing that he was placed in the foster care system when he was just 2 years old, but he got adopted by a relatively rich and generally really nice family who loved him and gave him every opportunity for a great life.
His biological half-sister, in the story referred to as Opel, was also placed in the foster home, but due to having a different last name and being brought up by a different person, she was not registered as his sibling and, thus, was separated from him.
Some 20 years later, the woman reached out to the poster, revealing to him who she was. However, when she discovered that while she was never adopted, her brother had a life most can only dream of, she got quite upset.
The sister started making frequent calls to the author, asking to hang out with him and his parents, requesting favors, and other similar things. The OP explained that since he didn’t really know the woman, things became uncomfortable rather quickly.
One night, Opel called her brother, complaining about being excluded from the get-together some women in the family recently had, to which the poster replied by saying that she should understand as she’s not really family to them.
This kind of response sent the sister screaming about the unfairness of all this and how her brother owes it to her to make sure that she’s as included in the family as he is because of how much better he turned out.
The OP replied that he was very sorry for what happened, both now and in the past, but neither he nor his family owed her anything. After he hung up the phone, Opel began blowing it up with texts, calling him an evil jerk, which made him doubt his decision.
The commenters unanimously agreed that contrary to what his sister said, the OP was not a jerk. They were very empathetic about her situation but also said that this type of behavior was not okay regardless, with many theorizing that she might have additional psychological problems she should start working on.
Image credits: Remy_Loz (not the actual photo)
Situations like these are rarely uncomplicated because every point of view of all those involved is almost always different. To help us untangle and refine some of the answers that we’re looking for here, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Elizabeth Donalds, who is an adoptee, a clinical psychologist, and an author. She focuses her talents and experience on helping other adoptees and their families going through this journey.
Dr. Liz explained that the foster system usually tries to keep siblings together and that their separation was unlikely to be accidental. “If they were placed in the foster system at different times by different people, the chances of them being separated would probably be pretty high.”
The expert continued by saying that the sister’s physical, mental, and/or behavioral health at the time of the placement is unknown to us, and it could’ve possibly required a different type of foster family than her brother’s. “She may have required a more therapeutic placement. That may explain why she was not adopted by the same [family] as the one the author was adopted into.”
Still, when looking for more reasons why Opel acted the way she did so many years later, the psychologist said that we have too few details to determine it properly and, for now, can only guess. “Perhaps she experienced neglect and/or abuse while in the foster care system. She may have no family support [and] no family to care about her, so she may be reaching out to the only ‘family’ she knows of.”
As for the author of the story and the situation he’s in, Dr. Liz said that their position is quite difficult, as his half-sister seems to be unable to respect his boundaries even though he was quite willing to connect. According to the expert, the best thing to do would be to set firmer boundaries and explain to her that if she keeps breaking them, she will be blocked.
“I would suggest letting her know ahead of time to give her the possibility of stopping her demanding and disrespectful texts. She seems unable to regulate her emotions and behaviors, while he [can],” summarized the psychologist, adding that while they are siblings, the poster is not required to maintain this relationship. “We let people close who we want to be close to, and we can create healthy boundaries to protect ourselves. We can create the “families” we want, whether we are biologically related or not.”
In the end, the situation in the foster care system is far from perfect. However, it is probably also wrong to blame everything on it because, just like Dr. Liz said, we really don’t know that much about the sister’s side of the story. But regardless of it, let’s just hope that she will address her problems sooner rather than later and get the life she deserves, hopefully on good terms with her brother, too.
What did you think about this story? Have you ever had any similar experiences? Share your thoughts down below!
The commenters agreed that the poster was not a jerk while also voicing concern for his sister’s mental well-being
I could understand her feelings, but the fact is one does not simply walk into a family and demand love and respect. If she had kept her cool, gotten to know you all gradually, and demonstrated she was a good and loving addition to the family, I imagine you all would have accepted her, even to the tune of giving her financial blessings. Perhaps her upbringing did not teach her such things. If I were you, I would not throw her away, nor give in to her demands. I would set a precedent of appropriate boundaries by offering a promise...to meet with her and buy her lunch (somewhere like Perkins, IHOP, etc), once per month, no matter what she does or does not do. And in those monthly meetings, agree to hear her story, and honestly reflect upon it, all while giving her the chance to know you and your family. Maybe, that would eventually lead to a closer relationship. Maybe it won't, but would at least never mean you are rejecting her entirely so long as you follow through.
I agree. If he can make her understand that she's expecting too much too soon maybe she will slow down.
Load More Replies...
You are NOT responsible for her. Yeah, it's sad she didn't get the same opportunities and yeah, you lucked out. You still aren't responsible. You owe more to your parents. Block her. I'm soft and this advice doesn't sit happily with me, but it's the right advice.
Sometimes separately-adopted siblings do find each other as adults and form a connection, but it can't be forced like this. I feel for the sister, but she's being demanding, when she should have moved slowly and carefully into any relationship to see what would work for the both of them. He doesn't owe her what she is asking. It would have been nice if that was how it worked out eventually, but he doesn't owe her.
I could understand her feelings, but the fact is one does not simply walk into a family and demand love and respect. If she had kept her cool, gotten to know you all gradually, and demonstrated she was a good and loving addition to the family, I imagine you all would have accepted her, even to the tune of giving her financial blessings. Perhaps her upbringing did not teach her such things. If I were you, I would not throw her away, nor give in to her demands. I would set a precedent of appropriate boundaries by offering a promise...to meet with her and buy her lunch (somewhere like Perkins, IHOP, etc), once per month, no matter what she does or does not do. And in those monthly meetings, agree to hear her story, and honestly reflect upon it, all while giving her the chance to know you and your family. Maybe, that would eventually lead to a closer relationship. Maybe it won't, but would at least never mean you are rejecting her entirely so long as you follow through.
I agree. If he can make her understand that she's expecting too much too soon maybe she will slow down.
Load More Replies... You are NOT responsible for her. Yeah, it's sad she didn't get the same opportunities and yeah, you lucked out. You still aren't responsible. You owe more to your parents. Block her. I'm soft and this advice doesn't sit happily with me, but it's the right advice.
Sometimes separately-adopted siblings do find each other as adults and form a connection, but it can't be forced like this. I feel for the sister, but she's being demanding, when she should have moved slowly and carefully into any relationship to see what would work for the both of them. He doesn't owe her what she is asking. It would have been nice if that was how it worked out eventually, but he doesn't owe her.
14
25