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There appears to be a growing number of people who would rather live the rest of their adult lives child-free. They will have varying reasons for their decision, whether it’s financial constraints, mental health struggles, or simply being a byproduct of the current social environment.
But of course, none of us can control fate, should it decide to contradict our plans. These people, for example, ended up having children despite not wanting to, something they came to regret.
They shared their stories in a recent Reddit thread, which you will find as you scroll through.
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#1
I regret that I gave up my life to raise them. I regret that I'm co dependent and their pain is mine. But none of that is their fault. It's all on me. I wish I would have known how hard it was.
Mook The Mediocre 10 minutes ago
Parenthood is rather like volunteering to be a host to parasites...
RELATED:
#2
I don't enjoy having so much responsibility over someone's emotions.
And everything in my life has gotten more difficult, and 90% of my time is doing things I don't want to do or have noninterest in doing
Edit: because people keep replying with the same thing.
I was raised very religious, not only were we pressured to get married as early as possible we were also pressured to have children as early as possible. There was no time for thinking, only time to obey and have faith it would work out.
Thankfully, I am no longer religious and my kids aren't either because I refuse to do that to them, but either way, I still have children if I thought about it or not.
Mook The Mediocre 16 minutes ago
I would've said "Thank God, I am no longer religious" for the added irony :-)
#3
Regret is too evocative a word for what I feel. I feel more irresponsible for birthing my daughter.
I feel I am regretfully negligent towards my daughters because they were born from an arranged marriage and oppressive Romani culture.
I have also repressed my sexuality for over 10 years now so I resent the imposition of marriage and children but I do not actually regret my daughters being in my life.
More accurately, I resent myself for such inane decisions as compliance with a rigid and constraining culture/filial piety.
I regret my cowardice and the price my daughters will pay for being born in a perpetuating cycle of misogyny.
#4
All of my kids are neurodivergent or disabled and I just wish I had stuck to it when I said I didn't want kids. It's made the focus of my life advocating for them and I'm tired of fighting all of the schools and educators at this point. Not to mention that it's exhausting living with some of my kids. I'm tired of being tired and frustrated all the time.
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 hour ago
As a neurodivergent person, I understand that. It's a lot, and I'm sure that your kids are grateful that you're fighting for them.
#5
My mom later admitted that she regrets having us. She loves us but she said if she could turn back time, her choice would have been different. Her reason? It's the current state of the world right now. She's scared for our future.
Sara Frazer 4 minutes ago (edited)
Valid .-. I'm in the US and the Sandy Hook shóoting happened when I was about 6mos pregnant. That sent me into a spiral. Days and days of sobbing, for those poor children and their families, and my own unborn child. I remember thinking "this is the world she's going to be born into..."
#6
Real answer: I was coerced into having my kid by my husband and my mom, they both knew I didn't want kids and still pressured me anyways. My kid is a good kid, good sleeper, generally good temperament. But, raising a kid takes so much of a toll on you. It's always on 25/8, breaks are never actually breaks because you'll have to go back to it at some point. I'm good financially but my finances are so strained that it isn't worth it.
I miss my freedom. I miss not needing to plan to leave the house around nap times, diaper changes, and her temperament for the day. None of the "benefits" of having a kid are worth the downsides. She is so cute, but it doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't fill the cup that I can pour back into her. I've done every type of therapy, medication, meditation, mindset shift possible but it all leads back to the same conclusion: I hate being a parent and I hate that I allowed myself to be pressured into it.
I tried asking my husband to let me give up my rights, he refused. I'm stuck. This isn't the life that I built for myself, that was taken away from me. I had so much potential and a child ruined that. Even if I can leave eventually, I'll never be the same. That's been hard to come to terms with.
#7
It's changed who I am, and not in a good way. I'm always stressed now, I have too many obligations and too much to do and I've lost the vivacious, happy-go-lucky personality I once had. I have no time to do the things that made me *me.* Some people I know now seem to see me as a parent first and a person second and that sucks.
Plus it's wrecked my marriage. I know that's on us, but I couldn't have predicted just how much it would change things. My spouse and I used to bond over going out and doing fun stuff together; it wasn't until we had children and had to stop doing that stuff that I realised they basically never speak unless we're actively engaged in an activity. Sure, we can go out and do stuff together, but the focus is now on the children rather than on each other and what we're doing together. I don't really want to be married any more tbh (I don't want advice about my marriage please, whatever you say I'll have already tried/thought about it).
None of this is the children's fault, so I just try my hardest to be the best person I can be for them.
#8
I think I had mental health issues my entire life, but nothing brings them out like the hormonal hell that is postpartum. And when your head isn’t right, it’s very difficult to form the loving connection other parents seem to nurture effortlessly. Most days I feel like an imposter trying to live up to the life I created for myself, but it just feels impossible.
Had I known this is how parenthood was going to be for me, I 100% would not have had children. But I can’t turn back time so I just go through the motions. I hate myself for this.
#9
Because I am terrible at parenting. My kids are unhappy which makes me unhappy. My relationship is buckling under the pressure of everyone's misery and all I think about is the fact that it was my own stupid idea to have kids.
#10
I’ve never openly admitted it but I regret it so bad. I felt like that was what I was supposed to do so I could be loved. I grew up in a bad home so I had a very different view of how much work kids actually are. I love my 3 boys but if I could do it all over I would have educated myself on how to be an adult first, (cook, clean and manage a budget like an adult) I’m so tired all the time and overwhelmed and my biological mom doesn’t understand why I find parenting hard and has never offered to help with the kids - not that I’d let her.
#11
I regret bringing my child ( and now grandchildren) into this uncertain world. They’ll never know anything but poverty and will never have the chances that I had when I was younger ( affording to buy a house etc).
nb , I lost my house to a toxic ex husband, so I’m now living in poverty in rented property, but at least I enjoyed a big chunk of my life in relative security and wealth….
#12
The first time my kid was handed to me, I had a surge of horrible guilt and regret for even bringing him into the world. Like a big ol heaping dose of “Oh no! What have I done!” And it stemmed from knowing that I haven’t had a fun ride so far in life and I’ve just condemned my child to this. It’s gotten better as he’s gotten older, but I still have anxiety and regret around how much pain and suffering he’ll inevitably experience.
#14
I am literally writing this from my basement because I can’t have 5 seconds to myself without “mommy, mommy, mommy.” I have days where I don’t regret it. I love my children with all of my heart, but I do have many days where I wish I didn’t have them. I miss having freedom. I miss my friends. I miss being financially secure.
I had my son at the start of the Covid lockdown. He almost ended us both during birth, and I have many days where I wish he had. I struggled with postpartum depression hardcore after my first child. We have no village, even though they promised they would help. My husband and I are both burnt out. My son is autistic, and it is hard being the parent of a child with autism. The delays, the interventions, the time consuming everything to get him to be successful. It’s draining. My daughter is neurotypical and she is thousands of times easier.
I tell everyone I meet that talks about having kids to remember that children are optional. I tell them to ignore the societal push for kids, it’s okay not to have kids. I say it to everyone. People laugh. It’s not a joke, it’s real life advice.
My mother bought dreft, a crib, clothes, diapers, everything that she would need to help. Then my oldest was born and she refused to help. Said her dog was too much work. A crib never used, dreft still sitting in her basement, diapers that were never opened. After finally getting her to watch my kiddo for two hours so I can run errands on my own, she started telling all of my family that I don’t like spending time with my children. Why is asking for a 2 hour break once a month indicative of not wanting to spend time with my children? They are hard. If I knew I wouldn’t have any help, I wouldn’t have had them. I do love them, but I’m not the best parent because I’m mentally tapped out. My kids are 5 and 2. I bring them to events, take them to museums and the zoo, play with them in the sprinkler and build forts and towers. I do love them.
It does not feel safe to say that you wish you didn’t have children. I am fairly open about the struggles. I love my children. I take care of them. They know I love them. But when I start mentioning to other parents how hard they are, that I wish I could get freedom back, I start getting the same sentiment from other parents. They might not be here commenting, but they are here reading and relating. Kids are hard and isolating. Thank you for making a post like this, and thank you to everyone commenting. It feels helpful to know it’s not just me.
#15
I regret having a child with my ex. It turns out he's a terrible parent and a despicable person, and that is absolutely awful for the child. I should have known better. I should have not done it.
#17
I am more and more certain that I’m not cut out to be my kids’ mother. I don’t enjoy this role. My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy being a father either. We really thought we wanted this. Our mental health is in the toilet, the house is a horrifying train wreck, we are broke. I don’t know if it’s being childfree I miss as much as what the world looked and felt like before they existed.
#18
The current system is not set up to promote healthy, educated, happy children that will one day become adults. There is no incentive for parent (s) to have children as having them in this environment creates economic hardships that haven't been this bad in decades. We're so dysfunctional as a society that we have to live in paranoia and fear that children will be harmed as soon as they leave line of sight. Reproductive rights are simultaneously being stripped away while there is less and less resources for those who actually do wish to become parent (s). Then. There's also the stigma of childless parent (s), single parent (s), and unrealistic expectations of family members demanding one reproduces but then have no regard for the well-being of the parent (s) that are now responsible for them. And then there is the global change in climate that is really hammering the last nail in the coffin. We're slowly destroying ourselves by pollution and overconsumption and greed and I greatly regret having them, not just from societal pressure and traditions and demanded expectations, but from the knowledge that their lives as adults are going to be bone crushingly even more difficult than mine has been to this point.
#19
Right now, I feel I made the wrong choice because I'm autistic and very noise sensitive. I am not compatible with a baby or toddler and I am frazzled and overstimulated with barely any let up, every day of my life. My child won't be a toddler forever though, and he's becoming so fun to play with, read to and explore with. I have to just survive this bit. I spend a lot of time feeling regret, and some of the time really loving it. I think the ratio will shift.
#20
I regret having them. But it’s not what you think. I regret it because I live in a contact state of fear and worry for them every single day. Are they okay? Was school okay? Are they doing okay mentally? What if I tomorrow was my last day? Will they have to go through heartbreaks? The world is so evil, will they be caught in it? Will they regret their existence? This is me. Day in. Day out. While my little ones are just living their best lives. I regret having them because realisation has dawned that I cannot fully protect them forever. And I hate that so much. I hate that I had them and put them in this situation. Why did I do that? Will they blame me next time? Did they ask to be here? Will they have good lives? Am I doing enough? Could I do more? It’s the constant fight within me to want to give them all of me and protect them while letting them go at the same time. That is what I regret.
Brainiac's Daughter 1 hour ago
Sweetie, that's a you problem and not a kid problem. Perseverating thoughts. Seek help. Blessings.
#21
“Regret” is a big, loaded word, but I feel it in my heart sometimes. My 8 year old girl is autistic. She not severely autistic and I feel a lot of guilt as lots of families have it way way worse. She can read and talk and attend a mainstream school full time. But she needs me to co-regulate her almost 100% of her waking hours outside of school. We have to walk on egg shells all the time, we have to plan every single outing like a military operation, we have to avoid giving away certain information and drip feed other information in a highly controlled, planned manner. I’m constantly scanning the environment and the day ahead to spot and remove potential triggers. At night, if I hear a creak on the landing, my adrenaline is activated, in case my daughter is awake because wake ups usually result in 3+ hour stints trying to her back to sleep. We can’t go out in the evenings, visit friends at the weekend or holiday at all. She doesn’t fall asleep until 10pm and needs one of us to sit with her while she falls asleep so we get so little time as a couple. Sometimes I think, if we’d not had a child, I’d be so much happier.
#22
I do. I don't regret my son obviously but I realized I was not made to be a parent. I'm too lazy, too socially anxious I don't really get along with kids and find it hard to pretend to be interested
I am trying my best for my son. He didn't ask for that and I'm the one who chose to bring him into the world. But we both decided we were one and done.
We also feel like we owe him an apology when we're older for being born into a terrible world. We were pregnant when COVID hit and everything has just went straight downhill. We've accepted he'll probably live with us forever and it just seems so unfair to him.
#23
Because the world is a disgrace, everything is getting worse, & her generation will probably have *much less* than the current generation has, and they don't have much at all.
We aren't wealthy, we don't have connections. I love her so much but her life is going to be the same miserable monotony it is for the rest of us povvos - work, pay taxes, be screwed out of services despite paying a ton in taxes, never own a house despite working so much, probably won't be able to afford her own family either even with a working partner. I hope to God things get better but the future is bleak and we watch billionaires fight so hard every day to take more of our money while putting nothing back.
#24
I'm not able to give them the life I thought I'd be able to. Having kids affected my executive function and I feel like 75% of the day I'm overstimulated. My husband has a brain injury and isn't much help as he has his own executive function and memory issues. He can't work anymore. So I'm burned out trying to hold everything together. My house is always a mess. It's seriously disgusting. I'm ashamed. Everytime I clean it feels like I make no progress because one step forward and suddenly I'm a step backwards somewhere else. My kids live in a messy house with parents who can't properly emotionally regulate. If I knew I was going fail this bad at adulting, I'd never have kids. I hate I can't give them a better life.
#25
I can't stand my kids. I have one tween and one in 2nd grade. They won't eat anything I cook, argue with me about everything, won't help around the house, and just won't do anything. They are also entitled, selfish, all knowing, and correct about everything. My youngest won't believe me about how our last name is pronounced is just an example. I've given them everything, sacrificed my career, taught them everything, worked with them for school projects, protected them from bullies, and have gone to every event they've been part of. I give up.
#26
Wanted kids.. Had a really traumatic birth that left me with both physical and mental problems. The regret is that I kind of knew in some way that my body would be ruind by birth. Like a clairvoiant. I can no longer work because of Birth-related injuries .Got postpartum depression and anxiety, and PTSD. All this makes me a really bad parent to be frank. If I had the choise to do it again I would not, despite knowing my kid. Sorry, but english is not my first language.
#28
I love my kids but I tell my daughter not to get married and don't have any. You are so vulnerable from the second you get pregnant. It's no longer your body in many states. Even if your life is at stake, it doesn't matter. Your job will penalize you for having children. Day care and college are outrageous. If you don't have family nearby you never get a break. There is no village. If you're lucky you have a few mom friends to confide in. Let's not talk about how things will look financially if your spouse decides they are leaving.
#29
It depends on the day. On this particular day my son decided he would assist in the maintenance of the house by refilling the roomba mop with canola oil. My ribs are still tender from the fall. I love my children, most days. Other times I really question my life choices. I subscribe to the notion that any parent who doesn't regret it at one point is not being honest with themselves. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you normal.
#30
I regret bringing them into a world like this. (Broadly gesturing) I just wanted them to grow up like I did in the 80s, with extended family being in my life all the time.
But the family and support structure wasn’t there for me and my kids when we needed it the most. It felt like I was raising my children alone.
My husband worked long hours to provide for us, but then believed he deserved to go out and party with his friends and be hungover and grumpy. My mom said her job as a parent was done, and then spent her weekends traveling and partying with her friends.
None of my children want kids and I’m glad. My mom says it’s terrible and that I should want grandkids. She barely ever helped me with my children when they were little so I don’t know what she is talking about.
#32
I love my daughter and I’m amicable with my ex. My daughter is not biologically mine, but I’m the only father she has ever known (bio dad OD’d). If I knew the marriage wasn’t going to last I would not have agreed to adopt. My ex has said they were just trying to get someone to help with the kid and didn’t really love me. I have forgiven them and accepted the situation and I don’t think the kid should suffer because of a decision made by her mom. But there are times I look at the situation and realize (selfishly) that my situation would look a lot better without a kid.
#33
I don’t regret my kid, but I 1000% understand why people would. There are many things I miss about my old life. I often wish I could just like put her on ice for 1-3 days and be free again and then get her right back after (a babysitter is not the same, because you will always worry). And we don’t even have financial stress and we had her in our late 30s so we got to live a lot of life first, meaning that even with everything in place to raise a kid well and no regrets about missing out on life experiences, I still sometimes long for the beforetimes.
#34
I'm a mom who never wanted kids. But I didn't know how to listen to my own voice, so I listened to those around me.
My kids are genuinely awesome humans. And I don't just say that because I'm their mom--they are funny and kind and weird and wholly themselves.
So it's hard to say I 'regret' having kids, because that statement is linked to those cool little people.
But I don't like being a parent, and I wish I wasn't a parent.
Hugs to anyone who can relate.
#35
I dont necessarily regret it but I already had an older child when my husband and I had 2 more. My oldest is 12. The little ones are 4 and 18 months. 18mo was a… pleasant surprise. It was so much easier in my early 20s.
Two little ones at 30 and 40 something is exhausting. Honestly, its a prison. We have almost no family support. My parents are getting older and can only babysit so often. My husbands father passed decades ago and his mother and sister live an hour away and his mother is in her 80. We aren't low income so we give half our paychecks to childcare. A late night out isnt even a good time because you know youre going to get woken up at the crack of dawn.
My 4 year old is relentless. He cannot be without me. I suspect he’s on the spectrum and Ive known since he was a baby but neither early intervention or his teachers think so. We saw his pediatrician for his brother’s check up a few weeks ago, his is coming up and she booked me a longer appointment so we can revisit this. I know every kid isnt the same but after having the youngest, its become so much more obvious that developmental wise, he’s been “different” since he was an infant.
He has a huge personality and everything he says is funny. I love him but man he really grinds me down sometimes.
The baby is chill af and by far my easiest child. A preteen boy is… interesting but hes always low key been my favorite. He has some behavioral issues but he is so smart and interested. Hes probably the most well informed 12 year old youve ever met. He watches last week tonight religiously. I had him young and single and it was just me and him against the world. Anyone in that situation knows theres a different type of bond. Im not saying its a trauma bond, far from it, its just different.
Long story short, my day starts at 6:30 and doesn’t end until 9. They have the quintessential middle class lifestyle and its so hard to maintain in this economy. I dont regret them, they bring so much to my life but there are days where my husband and I are just so defeated and stretched thin and it really feels like a prison.
#36
I regret allowing the people around me to feel pressured. Husband and I were together 18 years before we had our kid. I miss our life. I hate feeling overwhelmed and my mental health has been horrible. I made him get a vasectomy this summer just to help out my mind at ease. I don’t want this life for my daughter. Trying to break the cycles of generational trauma, while actively trying to heal and raise a kid is overwhelming to say the least. I don’t feel like anyone took me seriously when I said I couldn’t handle being a mother. And the only thing keeping me on earth is the fact that little girl doesn’t deserve to feel abandoned because of my own choices. I will do what I can for her and hopefully she will never know how dark and empty I feel inside. My cup isn’t full. I can’t pull myself together for the sake of being better for her like so many people said i could. Every day is groundhogs day and when you have a neurodivergent kid, it can be lonely. Very lonely. I miss everything. Having kids is for young people who don’t know any better. Being almost 40 with a 4y is exhausting and I honestly hate that I can’t admit to anyone around me i actually hate it. Love her. Not the responsibility and isolation.
#37
I'll bite without reading any other replies, and buckle up for a trauma dump. I regret it every single day. I regret allowing my parents, who were already older, to push hard for me to keep my son. They went so far as "we'll help you raise him however we can!" I regret not sticking to my life-long "I hate kids" and desire to never be a parent. To their credit, they did a few things that have taken SOME parenting stress off by giving me my never updated 1950s childhood home but that comes with it's own massive problems and expenses.
My son's dad already had two kids when we met and didn't want more. Cool! Me neither! He'd had a vasectomy (I saw the Navy med paperwork, so it wasn't a lie-he was AD Navy when we were together.) I found out I was pregnant at 18+ weeks, so well past any halfway affordable option for termination and at the time there were no clinics within a few hours drive of my house. We'd been broken up for three months when I found out and there was no issue with him immediately agreeing to sign adoption paperwork because neither of us wanted to do this.
I gave into the daily pressure from my parents to keep my son. I never filed for CS because you can't get blood from a stone (he'd separated from the Navy and was an unemployed community college student by then)and I didn't want to deal with all the legal things of having a second parent on the birth certificate.
I have been on my own from day one. I lost any and all "me time." I lost all my hobbies because they weren't kid friendly when he was little and I no longer had disposable income. I lost my ability to uproot myself and move to a new place when I decided I needed a change. He's 13 now and I can count on one hand the times I've been away from him for a night unless it was a once every three years work trip. I've had two relationships in his entire life. One of them ended because of his needs and behaviors, and while I don't blame my son at all it still stings. I took a job I didn't want and stayed there for 12 years despite the mental drain because they gave me the flexibility to leave every time he got in trouble, bring him to work during his suspensions, and the pay-while low enough we've been on Medicaid for years-was stable and kept us housed and fed.
He's AuDHD with low support needs but significant behaviors that keep him in trouble at school. I'm so SO tired of flinching every time a school number pops up on my phone. I'm tired from non-stop therapies (physical and emotional) and counseling since he was 5. I'm tired from having to constantly advocate and argue and fight on his behalf but he literally has no one else.
And now I'll circle back to my parents and their promises to help me raise him. Dad passed in 2019 when the boy was 7. Mom is now deep in the throes of dementia in a senior living situation but now I'm her POA responsible for all of her care arrangements, bills, scheduling appointments, dropping everything to go sit with her at the ER each time she falls or if she has a UTI, or if her COPD flares up ON TOP OF all of the care my son needs.
So yeah. At 32, I gave up everything I'd known my life to be and every dream I'd had for my future. I ended up trapped in my backwards town. I don't like kids. I've never liked kids. I, unfortunately, have rationalized parenting as a job I have to do because he didn't ask to be here and none of this is his fault. I regret it every day that I wake up. He deserved to be adopted to a family who wanted him and hopefully would've enjoyed being his parent, but with his needs maybe they would've been just as resentful as I am. IDK.
#38
I have one child. She's cool. She's 18 this year, and I cannot wait. I've raised her to be as independent as possible. I never wanted a child. Her mother lied about being on contraception and gloated about lying about it some years later. She also knew that I never wanted children. I've been raising my child full time for years, with no involvement from the mother.
I do love my child, and make sure that she knows it. If I could go back in time, I cannot say with certainty that I would have her again, but I do love her very much, and always do my best to be an emotionally present dad. It isn't her fault she was born, and she should never have to feel unwanted, so I shower her with love, and I am always there for her.
#39
I don’t have children yet but I am pregnant (24 weeks along) with my first. I’m the age of 36, and I was pressured to have kids from both my in laws and my parents.
Ugh. I regret getting pregnant bc it’s deteriorating my health, time, energy, everything.
#40
I will preface this with: I love my children more than anything else on the planet.
My son was conceived on birth control and my daughter was conceived non-consensually.
I don’t know that I regret them necessarily, but I definitely think about all the choices I could have made and where I could be now if I didn’t have them.
I’m doing this all by myself, so that makes it harder. I always wanted kids, but I wanted the family that came with it. I want the companionship and partnership and support.
#41
Kids are like locusts. You truly have no concept of how many resources they will consume until you have them in your home. Also, they will eventually move on, and that is a great moment. But. They never stop coming back to consume more. While it becomes less and less regular over the course of their lives. They never stop. They appear, consume anything they desire in their path, leave a mess behind them, and then move on until the next time.
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