Woman Blamed For Being “Unwelcoming” For Sitting Inside While Uninvited Guests Have A Party In Her Pool
It’s summer again and you know what that means – pool season! Time to pick all the yuckies and the nasties out of the water, shock it with chlorine, and get your laps in.
Where I’m from, having a pool is a privilege, so it’s only natural that the people with pools often get a lot of requests from people wanting to take a quick dip.
Today’s story is like that – some family members asked to use a couple’s pool, but forgot to disclose that they were gonna start a whole party, leading to a small family conflict.
More info: Reddit
Pools are a luxury and it’s no surprise that people love to come over for a splash if they’ve got the chance to
Image credits: Thibault Om (not the actual photo)
A woman took to the internet to vent about her fiancé and the impromptu pool party his brother organized
Image credits: u/silver_endings
Image credits: Vlada Karpovich (not the actual photo)
Her fiancé’s brother asked to use the pool but “forgot” to mention the fact that he’d be bringing about 8 more people
Image credits: u/silver_endings
The party, which ran for about 6 hours, upset the poster as it seemed the guests had no interest in interacting with her, only the pool, but her fiancé disagreed
Now that you’ve got the long, short and the middle of it, let’s discuss. And by discuss, I mean I monologue for the rest of the article, while you respond to me and the story in the comments below.
Don’t forget to share your thoughts, I mean it!
I feel like this whole thing would be a non-issue or at the very least a much smaller issue if the fiancé’s family hadn’t brought a whole entourage of friends along, especially unannounced.
Guests are already pretty draining a lot of the time if you’re more of a welcoming person and want them to be happy at your place, as you’ll be doing a lot of jumping around them, making sure they’ve got food and whatever else they need. And they brought 3 kids along with them! I bet that would put any person’s “good host” anxiety meter into overdrive.
But, as you know, that’s only the first dark cloud far off on the horizon.
I did some first-grade math and if my estimates are correct, instead of just the future-brother-in-law and his family of 5 coming over, it was a total of 13 people! Imagine thirteen people having a full-blown party above you, on a Sunday, all while you’re trying to work in your basement.
I don’t think anyone would feel bad about not having a pool, having heard of this story.
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
The poster could have just said no, but she didn’t know what was going on and her fiancé was cajoling her, saying that it’s all good and normal. Also, it’s not often a good move to pick a fight with your family members and friends.
The poster remained diplomatic and chilled inside, doing the chores she had planned to do on that day, while 14 people (her fiancé had joined the fray by now) partied on for a total of 6 hours.
This led to some friction between the couple, as the fiancé thought it was rude of her not to come out to hang out with the guests, while she felt justified in her actions, as everything the guests did indicated that they came over just for the pool and not for their company.
Image credits: MarcTutorials (not the actual photo)
If you were wondering what was meant by saying “pool season” in the intro, it turns out that’s kind of a thing. It happens on Memorial Day weekend at the end of May, when pool stores are jam packed with people buying supplies.
This would also probably be a lot less of a problem if the story had happened in New Zealand, as the country holds the record of pools per capita according to the 2006 census, with 65 thousand home pools for 4.1M people.
Going back to the story, many people said that she doesn’t have a guest problem, but rather a fiancé problem. Perhaps the problem is wording it a bit harshly, as the couple simply seems to have different boundaries, with the guy being OK with random guests using the pool, while she isn’t.
Neither of these is wrong, but it’d probably do the couple good to talk about it.
The original post collected 8.5k upvotes in less than a day with 1.6k comments. The community judged that the poster wasn’t a jerk, saying that the guests are kinda odd for just rolling up like that, but even more so that the couple needs to hash it out before moving on.
Share your thoughts about this debacle below, we’ll be waiting for your thoughts!
The community judged the poster not to be a jerk but suggested she have a talk with her partner
How to stop this from happening again: "I talked to an attorney, and she informed me that we are legally liable for the safety of anyone using our pool. I'm not comfortable with anyone using our pool without us being present, and I refuse to be held legally liable for people I don't know and did not invite to my home."
Assuming the fiancée isn't still being a jerk and defending the situation, this would work.
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Agreed. It's time for a long talk about expectations of what their lives will be like in future because they don't seem to be on the same page at all.
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My ex used to do similar stuff all the time, except it was having some friends over that ended up staying well past my daughter's bedtime. Actually, it took a long time to get her to sleep because they would be so loud and they were around all hours of the night. I would be the one, and expected to be the only parent, doing the bedtime, tidying up and keeping her in bed. If anything wasn't cleaned his friends would make grating comments about me as a parent and a spouse. Okay, I know this is not quite the same, but I do understand how uncomfortable the OP must have felt having a messy house with many guests over, and feeling left out. Sure she could've just joined them, but also why should she have to when she didn't agree to have that many people over for that long? She's not going to want to leave the cleaning for Monday. Her husband didn't ask if she needed help. He didn't come talk to her right after her shift was over. He had zip, 0, nada concern for how she feels. I feel that.
OP should have told the fiancee, "They aren't here to see us, they're here for the pool." Who "visits" for 6 hours at someone else's house? Wtf?
About the state of the house: I stick to the principle that, when I invite you, I should not force you to endure my mess. If you drop by unexpected, it's my house and I will clean it when I have the time. (A friend of mine has this hanging on her wall. "My house was clean, yesterday. Sorry you missed it"')
My mother in law frequently invited people to MY house without asking me or my husband. She just said "aunt sis and I are on the way over." I instantly left the house for the day and locked the door.
The guest asked to use the pool to begin with. Taking it upon themselves to invite all these other people is pushing it. They should be aware enough to take care of the food needed, include feeding the pool owners too, and clean the place up afterwards when they're done. It still is a disruption to the OP.
This is what I was thinking, who fed and watered this lot?
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA! That is so messed up to invite themselves and all those other strangers. I would have been pissed off too! Nip this in the bud or your house will be a weekend pool party every weekend! Also, you really need to talk to your fiance. He should be on your side!
I can't believe they weren't invited and were running in and out of the house with wet feet and everything else. HELL NO
Owning a pool is a lot of responsibility. The fact that the fiancé said it was normal to use the pool while people were not there is quite false - or it's a false sense of security. My husband and I had a pool for most of our married life and we never allowed anyone to use it if we were not there. My parents did the same thing. NTA but you need to set rules about your house and your pool with the fiancé.
I mean, OP was being rude, but that was the intention, right? Most effective way of giving the message "your presence is not welcome." Being rude is a tool.
I had a similar problem. We had planned a pig roast. Bought 4x the amt of meat we needed so it could be added to the winter produce. It was a very costly endeavor. We invited 30 people (husband's parents, siblings and their kids) to the pig roast. We made it very clear it was only his siblings and family. In fact none of my family was invited. As it was an event for his parents. Little did we know some of those invited, extended the invite to people we did not know! We ended up with over 150 people. I never got to even taste any of the roasts that I prepared. A couple of 30lb beef roasts were salvaged, but one of the mystery guests decided they needed it more. It literally took over a yr to clean the beer and pop cans out of the shelter belt. It took over a month to clean and repair the house and landscaping.
ESH. I get that having more people over than what was discussed would be really annoying... but she made it clear that she would be working during that time but is now bothered that people didn't bother her by saying hi during that time? The fiance went outside signaling that he was no longer working. She stayed inside to sulk that people came over the use the pool and not socialize with her. Everyone is focused on the BIL inviting more people over and that's what she's upset about. When actually she literally whines that people only came over for the pool... when that literal situation was agreed upon by both the owners and the visitors. You cant tell people you're unavailable and then get mad when they leave you alone. BIL sucks for inviting more people. Fiance sucks for calling her uninviting. She sucks for whining about people coming over for the reason they said.
A swimming pool is a HUGE liability; people inviting themselves over and not attending to kids or drunk people are a recipe for disaster. Anyone coming over needs to give notice beforehand, and need to set rules for safe pool and poolside behaviors. And, inviting parents and two co-workers and their families over in addition to oneself, and having a looooong party, is inexcusable, ESPECIALLY if two people are trying to work downstairs. Also adds to the risk. Husband and you need to establish clear boundaries regarding pool use, and he needs to stick to them. And, make sure your homeowners insurance has excellent coverage for swimming pool incidents.
Welp.. I’ve seen some things that need to be cleared. 1. You and your fiancée talked about this, it’s also his home, from what I gathered that he said “the pool is meant to be used and it’s family time” Shows that you don’t actually use it and it’s there for show only and that you’re not really a family person, get out of that relationship and allow that man to find someone who actually appreciates life. LIVE A LITTLE HUNNY. 2. You could have said “come over when we are done work” 3. You as the homeowner could have kicked the other two family’s out… but didn’t, that’s on you. 4. Not going out there and at least saying hi and hanging for a bit is a total b17<h move, I get it’s your home but you did agree. I may be the only one to say this but you’re 100% the AH, like I said, you could have kicked the other two families out and explained it was an invite for brother only, but you didn’t, which means you also need to learn to communicate. Who cares if the house is a mess? It’s lived in.
NTA! I get it! Because on top of all of that, who do u think is most likely going to get stuck with the clean up after they all leave?! I'm with OP! Them showing up with 2 friends with their families was over the line. They asked if THEIR family could come. They didn't ask if they could have a pool party. That's a VERY different situation
NTA. OP agreed to having future BIL and family over, not FBIL, family, and coworkers. Fiancé's a major a*****e for allowing this, then calling OP rude for not getting into the party mood. Some boundaries need to be set. TODAY. Fiancé needs to be made aware of the ensuing legal complications, should someone get hurt or drown. If anything, OP never agreed to hosting a pool party for people who unexpectedly show up. I see this as a preview of things to come. If this isn't the future OP envisioned, she really needs to rethink the relationship. No one wants to live in a community center.
Honestly I think this is a NAH situation. No one's really wrong. The brother asked if he could use the pool, and was told yes. OP was stressed out about stuff like the state of her house, which is fair. Sounds like her fiancé would have liked her to relax a bit. She needs to communicate and get out of her own head a little, and her fiancé needs to recognise when she's not feeling great. She did make an effort- small talk with the guests- but she also had other things to get on with. No one here has really been anything as strong as an a*****e.
I mostly agree. I do think that it being a pool makes the situation a bit different. Imagine if a kid drowned in that pool - even if she was in the basement working, would she feel guilty? Would fiance? It's not a situation I would be comfortable with, that's for sure, even if legality weren't an issue. If the pool weren't involved, then we'd be on totally different ground - it would be more of an issue of what sorts of cultures OP and fiance come from, what they're comfortable with, and how they communicate their needs and wants to each other. And I agree, it would be a NAH situation because calling someone an a*****e is pretty extreme and not something that should be done so casually.
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I can see how not mentioning the extra people would seem rude, but her pouting because she was upset is childish and she is being an ahole. Really if your got to marry the guy got get along with the family. Stop pouting
I take it you've never heard of family suing once someone gets hurt on their property. Your just chill can be a major financial burden that ends in bankruptcy.
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Uh no. These people essentially threw a party at someone else’s house and got upset when one of the actual residents of said house didn’t come running out with her party hat on after a day of working and responsibilities planned for the rest of the day. They stayed for 6+ hours and made her home theirs, OP is in absolutely no way the AH. Fiancé is a d**k for being on the intruders side.
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How to stop this from happening again: "I talked to an attorney, and she informed me that we are legally liable for the safety of anyone using our pool. I'm not comfortable with anyone using our pool without us being present, and I refuse to be held legally liable for people I don't know and did not invite to my home."
Assuming the fiancée isn't still being a jerk and defending the situation, this would work.
Load More Replies... Agreed. It's time for a long talk about expectations of what their lives will be like in future because they don't seem to be on the same page at all.
Load More Replies... My ex used to do similar stuff all the time, except it was having some friends over that ended up staying well past my daughter's bedtime. Actually, it took a long time to get her to sleep because they would be so loud and they were around all hours of the night. I would be the one, and expected to be the only parent, doing the bedtime, tidying up and keeping her in bed. If anything wasn't cleaned his friends would make grating comments about me as a parent and a spouse. Okay, I know this is not quite the same, but I do understand how uncomfortable the OP must have felt having a messy house with many guests over, and feeling left out. Sure she could've just joined them, but also why should she have to when she didn't agree to have that many people over for that long? She's not going to want to leave the cleaning for Monday. Her husband didn't ask if she needed help. He didn't come talk to her right after her shift was over. He had zip, 0, nada concern for how she feels. I feel that.
OP should have told the fiancee, "They aren't here to see us, they're here for the pool." Who "visits" for 6 hours at someone else's house? Wtf?
About the state of the house: I stick to the principle that, when I invite you, I should not force you to endure my mess. If you drop by unexpected, it's my house and I will clean it when I have the time. (A friend of mine has this hanging on her wall. "My house was clean, yesterday. Sorry you missed it"')
My mother in law frequently invited people to MY house without asking me or my husband. She just said "aunt sis and I are on the way over." I instantly left the house for the day and locked the door.
The guest asked to use the pool to begin with. Taking it upon themselves to invite all these other people is pushing it. They should be aware enough to take care of the food needed, include feeding the pool owners too, and clean the place up afterwards when they're done. It still is a disruption to the OP.
This is what I was thinking, who fed and watered this lot?
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA! That is so messed up to invite themselves and all those other strangers. I would have been pissed off too! Nip this in the bud or your house will be a weekend pool party every weekend! Also, you really need to talk to your fiance. He should be on your side!
I can't believe they weren't invited and were running in and out of the house with wet feet and everything else. HELL NO
Owning a pool is a lot of responsibility. The fact that the fiancé said it was normal to use the pool while people were not there is quite false - or it's a false sense of security. My husband and I had a pool for most of our married life and we never allowed anyone to use it if we were not there. My parents did the same thing. NTA but you need to set rules about your house and your pool with the fiancé.
I mean, OP was being rude, but that was the intention, right? Most effective way of giving the message "your presence is not welcome." Being rude is a tool.
I had a similar problem. We had planned a pig roast. Bought 4x the amt of meat we needed so it could be added to the winter produce. It was a very costly endeavor. We invited 30 people (husband's parents, siblings and their kids) to the pig roast. We made it very clear it was only his siblings and family. In fact none of my family was invited. As it was an event for his parents. Little did we know some of those invited, extended the invite to people we did not know! We ended up with over 150 people. I never got to even taste any of the roasts that I prepared. A couple of 30lb beef roasts were salvaged, but one of the mystery guests decided they needed it more. It literally took over a yr to clean the beer and pop cans out of the shelter belt. It took over a month to clean and repair the house and landscaping.
ESH. I get that having more people over than what was discussed would be really annoying... but she made it clear that she would be working during that time but is now bothered that people didn't bother her by saying hi during that time? The fiance went outside signaling that he was no longer working. She stayed inside to sulk that people came over the use the pool and not socialize with her. Everyone is focused on the BIL inviting more people over and that's what she's upset about. When actually she literally whines that people only came over for the pool... when that literal situation was agreed upon by both the owners and the visitors. You cant tell people you're unavailable and then get mad when they leave you alone. BIL sucks for inviting more people. Fiance sucks for calling her uninviting. She sucks for whining about people coming over for the reason they said.
A swimming pool is a HUGE liability; people inviting themselves over and not attending to kids or drunk people are a recipe for disaster. Anyone coming over needs to give notice beforehand, and need to set rules for safe pool and poolside behaviors. And, inviting parents and two co-workers and their families over in addition to oneself, and having a looooong party, is inexcusable, ESPECIALLY if two people are trying to work downstairs. Also adds to the risk. Husband and you need to establish clear boundaries regarding pool use, and he needs to stick to them. And, make sure your homeowners insurance has excellent coverage for swimming pool incidents.
Welp.. I’ve seen some things that need to be cleared. 1. You and your fiancée talked about this, it’s also his home, from what I gathered that he said “the pool is meant to be used and it’s family time” Shows that you don’t actually use it and it’s there for show only and that you’re not really a family person, get out of that relationship and allow that man to find someone who actually appreciates life. LIVE A LITTLE HUNNY. 2. You could have said “come over when we are done work” 3. You as the homeowner could have kicked the other two family’s out… but didn’t, that’s on you. 4. Not going out there and at least saying hi and hanging for a bit is a total b17<h move, I get it’s your home but you did agree. I may be the only one to say this but you’re 100% the AH, like I said, you could have kicked the other two families out and explained it was an invite for brother only, but you didn’t, which means you also need to learn to communicate. Who cares if the house is a mess? It’s lived in.
NTA! I get it! Because on top of all of that, who do u think is most likely going to get stuck with the clean up after they all leave?! I'm with OP! Them showing up with 2 friends with their families was over the line. They asked if THEIR family could come. They didn't ask if they could have a pool party. That's a VERY different situation
NTA. OP agreed to having future BIL and family over, not FBIL, family, and coworkers. Fiancé's a major a*****e for allowing this, then calling OP rude for not getting into the party mood. Some boundaries need to be set. TODAY. Fiancé needs to be made aware of the ensuing legal complications, should someone get hurt or drown. If anything, OP never agreed to hosting a pool party for people who unexpectedly show up. I see this as a preview of things to come. If this isn't the future OP envisioned, she really needs to rethink the relationship. No one wants to live in a community center.
Honestly I think this is a NAH situation. No one's really wrong. The brother asked if he could use the pool, and was told yes. OP was stressed out about stuff like the state of her house, which is fair. Sounds like her fiancé would have liked her to relax a bit. She needs to communicate and get out of her own head a little, and her fiancé needs to recognise when she's not feeling great. She did make an effort- small talk with the guests- but she also had other things to get on with. No one here has really been anything as strong as an a*****e.
I mostly agree. I do think that it being a pool makes the situation a bit different. Imagine if a kid drowned in that pool - even if she was in the basement working, would she feel guilty? Would fiance? It's not a situation I would be comfortable with, that's for sure, even if legality weren't an issue. If the pool weren't involved, then we'd be on totally different ground - it would be more of an issue of what sorts of cultures OP and fiance come from, what they're comfortable with, and how they communicate their needs and wants to each other. And I agree, it would be a NAH situation because calling someone an a*****e is pretty extreme and not something that should be done so casually.
Load More Replies... I can see how not mentioning the extra people would seem rude, but her pouting because she was upset is childish and she is being an ahole. Really if your got to marry the guy got get along with the family. Stop pouting
I take it you've never heard of family suing once someone gets hurt on their property. Your just chill can be a major financial burden that ends in bankruptcy.
Load More Replies... Uh no. These people essentially threw a party at someone else’s house and got upset when one of the actual residents of said house didn’t come running out with her party hat on after a day of working and responsibilities planned for the rest of the day. They stayed for 6+ hours and made her home theirs, OP is in absolutely no way the AH. Fiancé is a d**k for being on the intruders side.
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