Mom Tells Her 11 Y.O. Daughter That She’s “Too Old” To Cuddle, The Girl Stops Talking To Her Unless Asked
Most parents would complain that the more their children grow up, the less they want to spend time with them. It is especially true when those kids become teenagers and prefer hanging out with friends.
But this mom was actually concerned that her 11-year-old daughter was still wanting to cuddle with her and told the girl to stop when she hopped on her mom’s lap as usual. The rejection hurt the daughter’s little heart and she closed off, which is now a new worry the mom has.
More info: Reddit
There’s something comforting in hugging your parent even as an adult, but this woman rejected her 11-year-old daughter
Image credits: Mizuno K (not the actual photo)
As mentioned, the Original Poster’s (OP) daughter is 11 years old, but she is very small, so people think she is younger and treat her like a smaller child. We can assume that the mom mentioned it because she worries her daughter might not be developing according to her age.
The mom worried that allowing her daughter to keep sitting in her lap was somehow hurting her. So she told the girl that she was too old for that when she tried to hop into her lap as usual.
Such a sudden change in affection must have been shocking to the girl and we can only imagine what she might have thought about this rejection, especially because she immediately ran to her room and didn’t speak to her mom unless she was asked something.
The mom tried hugging her daughter goodbye but didn’t get a hug back, so she understands that she hurt her daughter’s feelings, but at the same time, she was convinced that it isn’t normal for an 11-year-old to be so affectionate to their parents.
When the parents settle down on the couch or the chair, their 11-year-old daughter likes to sit in their lap and cuddle them
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The comments section couldn’t disagree more. Moms were saying that they would give anything for their teenagers to come and snuggle with them, while adult children were saying that they still cuddle their parents and find it very comforting.
Readers were pretty confused why the OP would think that it is inappropriate for her daughter to show affection and explained to the mom that she made her daughter feel like she did something wrong, she made her feel rejected and the girl might think her mom doesn’t love her anymore.
The mom finds it concerning that she still does it at her age, implying that she is not growing up as she is supposed to be
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There are numerous resources online that confirm the benefits of cuddling. Parenting For Brain mentions a few of them, which include brain and physical development. They also can keep children healthy because physical touch releases oxytocin, the happiness hormone, that can “strengthen our immune response by lowering the plasma levels of thyroid hormones and decreasing inflammation,” which leads to wounds healing quicker.
Not only do hugs help with physical health, but emotional health as well; they help children to self-regulate and decrease the chances of a tantrum. Not to mention that it builds relationships between parents and children.
To add, children are not the only ones benefiting from hugs and cuddles. Robert Giesler who works as a nurse in the Steven & Alexandra Cohen Foundation Newborn and Infant Critical Care Unit lists numerous health benefits they can provide. Among those benefits are improving pulmonary and immune functions, lowering anxiety and stress and strengthening digestive, circulatory and gastrointestinal systems.
So the mom told her daughter to get off when she tried to make herself comfortable as usual, which hurt her feelings and the girl closed off
Image credits: u/Abject_Ad_4249
Image credits: Monstera (not the actual photo)
Dr. Laura Markham who is a trained clinical psychologist and the founder of Aha! Parenting believes that preteen children wanting to cuddle with their parents is nothing to worry about. Also, more often than not, children will cut off cuddles and hugs with their parents by themselves.
Although, the mom’s worries aren’t unfounded. If children are overly touchy, that might be a sign of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), according to Belly Belly. However, it usually comes with a set of symptoms such as being overly sensitive to stimulation, moving constantly, being easily distracted and having difficulty making friends or reading.
It could also become problematic if the child can’t go on with their day without cuddles and feels anxious or can’t sleep without snuggling with their parents for a while.
The mom feels guilty about it, but at the same time, having an 11-year-old sit in her lap is weird
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Some readers suspected that the OP herself doesn’t like to cuddle or feels that her daughter is too big to sit in her lap, so they suggested teaching the 11-year-old consent and boundaries, but stressed to watch her wording to not make the girl feel like a burden.
The mom was pretty active in the comments and admitted her mistake after people explained that cuddling is important at any age, after they shared their own experiences to give the mom the perspective of the child. The OP promised to apologize to her daughter and allow her to cuddle with her, because she actually enjoys it, and now her belief that 11 years is too old to be sitting in mom’s lap seems silly.
Image credits: kitzstocker (not the actual photo)
Do you think there is an age limit of when it is inappropriate to show affection between children and parents? Would you be concerned if your children kept wanting to cuddle you when they weren’t small children anymore? Let us know your thoughts and opinions in the comments.
People in the comments shared their perspective explaining how terrible such rejection might have felt for a child, which made the mom realize she was wrong
I was 17 went I left home for college. The night before I moved into the dorms, I was terribly distraught and tearful. Before this, I'd never been away from home for more than a week. My mom held me and rocked me! I love that memory. (And FYI, I was almost 6 feet tall -- but not too big for cuddles!)
This might become a core memory for her, yes. But apologizing and trying to make up for it will go a long, long way. It really becomes an issue when there's no sincere apology, but it sounds like mom got confused and made a mistake that she regrets. She can show daughter that mistakes happen and it's how you deal with them later that counts.
Conflict usually isn't an issue but reconciliation is! Saying sorry, backing down and admitting you are wrong are important lessons to teach your child. You cannot put a price/limit on affection and love either, if that's what the child needs then give it to them!!!
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I don't care how old my son is, if he needs a hug and I have arms he will get a goddam hug
Kingsley Bates he definitely won't grow up to be an obsessed train spotting, single, sad little troll that's for sure **EDIT** this comment was in response to someone who I assume has had their account deleted - most likely for sick comments
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Wow. She ruined cuddles to her own daughter. I have very difficult relationship with my mother - among other reasons that she forbided all physical contact between me and parents when I was little. My father tried to make it better, but every time she saw it, she literally screamed how impropriate it is for a man to touch a girl (no impropriate touch involved, normal hugs a this kind of affection between parent and child). It had impact on my relationship with my father too. Now I think that she kinda realizes she was wrong. But I still cannot handle anytime she touches me. I really cannot stand her touch even on hand. I can do it on purpose, but every time it means to stick feet into floor and think intensively not to move away from her. Congratulation, she is doing something similar to her daughter
I'm 50 and still love a hug from my mum or dad (& grateful they're still both here for me to give a hug too)
I have found that hugs and touch has been more important with age. Now I am 50, and want to take every chance to show my old parents how much I love them - because you never know when they suddenly are not there anymore.
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At least the mother is trying to make things right, and she listened to people's opinions about it. That part makes me fairly happy ^^
Yeah, after her initial mistake- which, yes, it was a big mistake- she handled the situation pretty well. She is absolutely not an AH and I'm honestly kinda disappointed with how powerful a lot of the replies were against her. I'm glad a few people explained how wrong she was in an educational way rather than just a hateful, "you're a cold-hearted monster" way.
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My mother did this to me when I was about 15 years old. Never forgave her, and I shut off even more than I was already doing. For me, it's definitely a core memory. And not a good one at all.
Have an 11 yo girl and she has stopped letting me hug and kiss her in public but at home i kiss her lil cheeks and hug her because after another year or 2 all hugs are gonna stop and im gonna have 2 beg for a snuggle, even when she turns 20 she can sit on my lap and snuggle mammy 😍 shes always going 2 be my baby
So. You tell her she is too old for cuddling, nad then you try to force-cuddle her as a hug for goodnight? How f*****g stuoid are you? Children have needs and right, you just wave your "I'm a parent and you do as I say" - wand as everyone else who should think twice before having children. Can't you see your double standards here?
my mom once asked if I wanted a hug. I was upset about something unrelated to her and I said no. She got so upset and offended. I don't understand why. She asked and I said no. Now I feel like I always have to hug her
Load More Replies... I would still cuddle my mom after i was grown. Girls who need cuddles will find no shortage of volunteers who may not be so safe. I hope she doesn't become promiscuous looking for love in all the wrong places.
Away from this question, I am curious: How do people that generally don't like cuddles handle this with their children?
I never received cuddles as a kid and I m very awkward with physical contact in general. However I love hugging my kids and husband just no-one else.
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She did get this wrong, but she’s not an AH. This is absolutely fixable with an apology and hugs
I don't know if it will be completely fixable. It wouldn't be in me. Anytime someone gets upset or seemingly upset with me for doing something I will avoid it forever. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to cuddle again with anyone if this happened to me. That's probably all my anxiety talking but it wouldn't be fixable in me
Load More Replies... Another thing... I wish I had gotten cuddles. I still feel - at age 46 -- that I just "wasn't good enough".
You are good enough. They just don't see it.
Load More Replies... Oh, poor kid. This will prob stay with her forever no matter how much the mum tries to make up for it. Why could ahe have consulted anyone if she was that worried inatead of rejecting her daughters need for love and cuddle.
This mother makes me angry. She needs internet strangers' opinions to realize she was wrong...
I'd rather have a close bond with my daughter, with lots of motherly daughterly affection than a cold, unfeeling, tense relationship I have with my own mom. The choice is up to the parent. But each petty decision may take a long time to undo.
My best friends brother cuddled with his family until about 19. He never turned away or denied public affection either; never that "your embarrassing me" line once in his life from affection. After 19 he became a bit of a jerk but had things in life gone differently, he'd probably still be cuddling at 25. And my best friend at 39 will snuggle with her mom when she visits as they watch movies or if one is having an off/bad day. I would've killed for this type of relationship and affection and a lack of it, along with other things, has made me cold, bitter and distant. This close bond and affection is sooo freaking important. And just need to note my family weren't bad or neglectful but my dad worked excessively to support us and my mom was overwhelmed caring for my special needs brother so she didn't have energy or the mindfulness for me or my sister; they were too exhausted.
The trauma from being rejected by your own Mother for wanting love at this age is usually hard to come back from. I hope she posts an update to let us know how or if her daughter received her apology and her "extra cuddles and kisses". And I am so lucky my 69 year old Mother allows me to clobber her with hugs and love. As a matter a fact, I ran to hug my aunt a few days ago when she was visiting my Mom too. I'm 45 BTW lol! I gave her the biggest kiss on her head too. And my oldest Son, at 19, still climbs on my lap and manages to snuggle up to my arms and I eat it all up! One day he won't come around too much or will be busy with a gf so I take full advantage! Also, having a younger, Autistic Son makes me realize how important all this love is because unfortunately my youngest doesn't show affection all that often. But when and if he does show it, I welcome it as well with lots of excitement!
One who has been fed mixed messages about child grooming, consent and pre-adolescent sexualisation. The big long comment explaining all this hits it right on the head.
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Yep!!! I agree with everyone here on everything. Your probably one of the biggest AH I've read about on any post I've read. That was me when i was younger. Being denied affection. It didn't turn out well. Long story short, I turned to violence. I became mean. I rejected any affection like that, all due to a parent rejecting me. It took a long time to get over it, and I'm still not over it. It's a core memory that told me I wasn't worthy of affection. I still have issues with this and still turn to fighting to justify this. I have kids, and I never deny them this type of affection. I'm never mean, or disrespect them. I still to this day, when he needs it, snuggle my oldest boy, and he is pretty masculine. But he loves it. As long as my kids want snuggles, they'll get snuggles. And just to clarify something, I'm a man, who loves his children with all my heart. So I truly hope your happy with your decision as a mother. This might not be fixable. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
Lol, just having flashbacks of when my cousins daughter was sitting in my lap when she was 12. I take after the short side of the family, she takes after the tall side so she was pretty much as tall as me already. It was hilarious and uncomfortable but I wouldn't give up those moments for the world.
It absolutely blows my mind that OP didn't think to research this, reach out to her community, or talk to a therapist/doctor/child psychologist about this to see if she was doing the right thing before telling her kid to "get off" of her. Not ONCE did she consider what her actions might do to her kid. Blazing AH. I'd be shocked if her kid hasn't permanently lost trust in her after this. And showering her kid with affection now might be unwise. I'd not want the contact and we shouldn't normalize love bombing. Cuddles with your kid are a PRIVILEGE which she may revoke at any time. Think about that the next time you go to do or say something hurtful to her because you think she isn't meeting some arbitrary standard for maturity (set by a rugged individualism style society that takes health kids and turns them into damaged, isolated adults.) Owning your mistake+trying to minimize the damage is your only hope, but make sure to respect any boundaries set by your kid.
If my son needs or wants a hug, he gets it even though he's a full grown man. There's nothing wrong with hugging your child! My own mother has 2 children: one, my sister, got her (so called) love and attention, and the other, the other one, me, got the verbal abuse and anything she could to make me feel less than. It's almost laughable because I was the honor roll student and my sister was the screw up, but she was the 'anything you say' one, not me. I can't remember a time she wanted to cuddle or even show any kind of affection toward me, even as a small child. This mother should be ashamed of herself! At least she sees that now, but she's already left a lasting, hurtful memory where there shouldn't be one.
My kids are 16 and 20. I would commit CRIMES to get them to cuddle me.
I'm not sure mom is gonna be able to fix this. It's a "She told me how she really feels and now I believe it" event. I'm insecure, if this had happened to me no amount of regret or apologies would make me feel better. I would feel like the apologies just came from feeling guilty for hurting me but that the person did actually believe what they said at the time and meant it. BE VERY CAREFUL parents.,
GOOD for that kid, maybe she should have never talked to you again! I am a 7'4 36-year-old man, and my Tiny sickly 5'1 mom still has me curl up by her and lay in "cuddle" in her lap, out of her 3 kids, I'm the only one that does it, A mom telling there child there too "big" for any kind of affection or "love" is just pure evilly wrong....I had lost my real mother to a bullet right in front of me, You know Im never never gonna miss a moment to hug this mom
If she's worried about emotionally stunting her daughter with cuddles, I would strongly recommen consulting a therapist first for an expert opinion. My mom hasn't hugged me, kissed me or told me she loved me since I was 12. Over 20 years and yeah, as a child I questioned whether or not my mom loved me.
Maybe she's getting too old to be in your lap, but she is NOT too old to cuddle, and don't deny her that affection. I basically got cut off from that kind of thing WAY young, if I ever had it, and that (along with some other factors) have contributed to me not wanting to be touched, and I only give hugs when I feel like someone really needs one emotionally, and for like no longer than a few seconds.
You're never too old. I'm 40 and still cuddle my mum, that woman sounds awful. Who in earth deprives their child of affection?
I've always said this: They (both parents and children) ain't gonna be around forever and before you know it, either party might never get the chance to be affectionate again because of distance and circumstance. Love your kids and parents now so you don't regret it later. I'm somewhat guilty of being a bit distant from my dad because of his gruff behaviour but I'm working on it. So love and cuddle now, while you can so you'll have no regrets later.
You are never too old for hugs and kisses from your loved ones. I still hug both of my parents and I am 37 years old. I hug all of my family. Age doesn't affect love. Like someone else said, she should be happy that her preteen daughter wants anything to do with her, let alone cuddle with her. This will be a core memory, but hopefully she can make things right.
My dad gets extremely happy when me or my sister cuddle with him because after 11 we haven't expressed physical affection to him because of gender boundaries and ware off of habit.
My mum did this to me when I was that age. I was "too big" to be shown affection etc. That messed me up for years. As an adult, I bristle when people touch me. Please apologize to your baby and give her a hug.
........I'm 26 and I still cuddle with my mother because I'm a human? We're social creatures and she literally gave birth to me and we're very close? Too old for cuddles isn't a thing.
Also agree with some of the others. Depending on her emotional sensitivity, this could turn into trauma. Even if she makes up with her mom, she may never forget it. My mom is great and I love her, but she's f****d up and those f**k ups have stayed with me in a negative way
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I have a little sister who is much younger than me, we’re both adults, and I still cuddle her! She’s forever my baby n affection between family has no age limit.
I sat on my Nana's lap into my late teens. Since she's been gone, I'm no longer comfortable with physical affection, as only she & I were that sort in my family.
I truly misunderstood at first, thinking it was about being too physically big. I'm 5' 5" 125ish lbs, my boys both tower over and massively outweigh me. They'd BREAK me. 🤣 But CUDDLES are ALWAYS welcome! 😊
Not an ah, just the worst parent ever. As an adult with a similar experience, you will never know the damage you have done to her. Great job mom
Not an a$$hole but definitely made the wrong choice. Never push your kids away.
I'm 28 and still go to my dad for a hug when I'm not feeling well. I'm glad OP realized her mistake and will be trying to sort it out.
Yeah she's the ah lol tbh, maybe I'm not the one to talk about it because in my case my parents were never that affectionate with my siblings and I to begin with. I guess they saved themselves and us the "you're too old for this" moment, and the result is that now I'm not a very touchy person and I get uncomfortable with that kind of contact from other people. But if my parents were actually the cuddly kind and one day they just told me that I'm too old I'd feel very bad and ashamed, and I even fear this girl will have even bigger problems from now on than if they never allowed her to cuddle in the first place.
Say your sorry, explain why you thought it was time to do it not that you wanted too but that's what she was expected by others to do and move on. I took cuddles til they stopped and they all stop, I cuddled my 11 year old, used to watch movies with my son on one side daughter on the other cuddling, sometimes my daughter sat on my lap, but one day they stop and you'll wish they didn't.
My daughter is 15 (almost 16) when we are sitting down on the couch, she still cuddles or holds my hand. Sometimes when we are out, she will hold my hand as well. I use a wheelchair now and honestly, I think sometimes she does it to let me know I'm okay. I will hold her hand and cuddle until the day I die. I wouldn't ever want to think of a day being the last time.
She may be too big for your lap but she can still sit next to you on the couch for cuddles or she can curl up next to you and put her head on your lap. No she's not too old for cuddles. No one ever gets too old for cuddles.
The first time I hugged my mom (that I have memory of at least) was at 18. I’ve realized recently that I am constantly touch starved but I am unable to do much about it because I’m completely uncomfortable with physical touch from anyone but a partner. Growing up, that seemed to be the only kind of relationship where physical touch was ok. Definitely hug/cuddle your children as often as they want. I felt like I was going out of my mind feeling like I was missing something but had no idea what it was. Got into too many risky situations as a teenager and young adult as well because of it
My 6'2 inch son has never had a problem cuddling with me. He's always been the one who yells "Mommy cuddles!" and then just lands on my lap. OOmpf!. I will admit, it was a hell of a lot easier when he was a bit younger/lighter, but how does one say, "" Well, after about 4 minutes it's easier to say, "Love you , but could you please your big a*s off me now?
"My daughter isn't old enough to know if she's straight or not" trust me, she is.
Leave her alone. The damage is done. Doubtful she will ever see cuddling as a good thing again. Words CAN hurt. See how bad mine just made you feel and we are not related.
She is a mom, she is also a human. She made a mistake and try to make amend, as it should be! And yup, 27 and still cuddle with my parents and siblings! I remember I was in a dark state of mind for some times around 22, could still climb in bed with my mom for comfort!
I am constantly asking my son if I can have a hug, I don't force one on him, it's on his terms. He is 3 and we are making sure he understands that being touched is his choice, with that being said, every time he comes and asks me for a hug or to kiss my cheek I say yes because some day he'll stop asking and not want to anymore because it's "not cool".
You made a mistake, a big one. But apologizing to your daughter is important. 1) Talking to her and letting her know how much you love her and always will, will go a long way towards healing this rift. 2) It's even more important that she knows that parents are human and make mistakes just like everyone else. But when you know you're wrong, apologizing is the right thing to do.
Once I was at a party where there was a lot of Moms and their kids. As per usual the Moms were all together talking and the kids were running around playing. One tween came by to touch base with her Mom and briefly sat on her lap and hugged her. After her daughter left, I said to the Mom how lucky she was to still have that with her daughter. My daughter had cut me off long ago. A few other Moms chimed in their agreement with me. The Mom blushed and was so thankful she still had a kid who wanted to touch her.
I’m blessed to still have both my parents playing an active role in mine (49M) and my daughters (12F) life. We hug when we meet, we happily sit together on sofas and my daughter loves snuggling up with Dad and / or Grandma & Grandad. Long may it continue. There will be days when she doesn’t wish to engage and my little storm cloud will ensure I know to be gentle with her but thankfully those times are few and far between (for now!) but she knows that hugs never run out and there’s a ready supply whenever she thinks a hug would do the job. Why on earth would I deny my daughter that affection or moment of comfort?
I am in my late 40's. My mother and I have had strained relations at times. Even now, I will climb up on the bed with her and rest my head next to hers and just talk or watch tv. Just being present with her. I could not imagine not being able to be close to my folks. Hugging my dad is one of the most incredibly comforting things in my life. I believe its their ability to show love and warmth that has made me the caring person I am today.
Look... I don't care how old I am or how old my daughter gets, if she wants to cuddle we are going to cuddle! I hug and kiss her pretty much every day. I tell her I love her and bug her every day. I will never stop shoveling love at my daughter. Our kids need to know that regardless of what happens in the world they always have us as their parents. You are NEVER too old for a cuddle with your parents. One day they won't be here and you will miss it!!!! That mom is a big ol' a*s for pushing her kid away just because she was getting older!!!!
My daugther is 17 and always comes up in my lap for cuddles when she is a bit tired or sad. She is the lovliest- I never did that with my mom and I count myself lucky
Bloody hell, I'm 40 and still hug my mum, always will. I still hug my 18 year old daughter and 17yr old son as well as my younger kids - I will never tell them they're too old
F**K. THAT. S**T. She is categorically emphatically 1000% TA. FFS, I'm REDACTED years old and I STILL enjoy a cuddle with my mom occasionally. An 11 year old being denied? That's f****d up.
27 here and I'll gladly take cuddles from my mother. I'm actually autistic and she's one of the only people allowed to hug me besides very few other people including my wife and my sister. You're never too old for affection from your parents.
Wait, why is it ok for a child, or anyone else for that matter, to set boundaries on hugs and being touched, but a mom wanting to set those same boundaries with their child is showing they don't love their child and should just allow it. Nana loves hugs and cuddles too, but if a kid doesn't want it their boundaries get respected. Doesn't mean the kid doesn't love Nana, just that they want to show affection some other way. Same should hold true for everyone, even if it is a parent. Being a parent doesn't automatically mean you have to allow your child to invade your boundaries. Now all your doing is teaching the kid that if they want something other people's boundaries don't matter.
There's a difference between "not right now Honey, I am a bit too tired for a hug" and "you are too old for hugs". And most 11 year olds can recognise that.
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I was 17 went I left home for college. The night before I moved into the dorms, I was terribly distraught and tearful. Before this, I'd never been away from home for more than a week. My mom held me and rocked me! I love that memory. (And FYI, I was almost 6 feet tall -- but not too big for cuddles!)
This might become a core memory for her, yes. But apologizing and trying to make up for it will go a long, long way. It really becomes an issue when there's no sincere apology, but it sounds like mom got confused and made a mistake that she regrets. She can show daughter that mistakes happen and it's how you deal with them later that counts.
Conflict usually isn't an issue but reconciliation is! Saying sorry, backing down and admitting you are wrong are important lessons to teach your child. You cannot put a price/limit on affection and love either, if that's what the child needs then give it to them!!!
Load More Replies... I don't care how old my son is, if he needs a hug and I have arms he will get a goddam hug
Kingsley Bates he definitely won't grow up to be an obsessed train spotting, single, sad little troll that's for sure **EDIT** this comment was in response to someone who I assume has had their account deleted - most likely for sick comments
Load More Replies... Wow. She ruined cuddles to her own daughter. I have very difficult relationship with my mother - among other reasons that she forbided all physical contact between me and parents when I was little. My father tried to make it better, but every time she saw it, she literally screamed how impropriate it is for a man to touch a girl (no impropriate touch involved, normal hugs a this kind of affection between parent and child). It had impact on my relationship with my father too. Now I think that she kinda realizes she was wrong. But I still cannot handle anytime she touches me. I really cannot stand her touch even on hand. I can do it on purpose, but every time it means to stick feet into floor and think intensively not to move away from her. Congratulation, she is doing something similar to her daughter
I'm 50 and still love a hug from my mum or dad (& grateful they're still both here for me to give a hug too)
I have found that hugs and touch has been more important with age. Now I am 50, and want to take every chance to show my old parents how much I love them - because you never know when they suddenly are not there anymore.
Load More Replies... At least the mother is trying to make things right, and she listened to people's opinions about it. That part makes me fairly happy ^^
Yeah, after her initial mistake- which, yes, it was a big mistake- she handled the situation pretty well. She is absolutely not an AH and I'm honestly kinda disappointed with how powerful a lot of the replies were against her. I'm glad a few people explained how wrong she was in an educational way rather than just a hateful, "you're a cold-hearted monster" way.
Load More Replies... My mother did this to me when I was about 15 years old. Never forgave her, and I shut off even more than I was already doing. For me, it's definitely a core memory. And not a good one at all.
Have an 11 yo girl and she has stopped letting me hug and kiss her in public but at home i kiss her lil cheeks and hug her because after another year or 2 all hugs are gonna stop and im gonna have 2 beg for a snuggle, even when she turns 20 she can sit on my lap and snuggle mammy 😍 shes always going 2 be my baby
So. You tell her she is too old for cuddling, nad then you try to force-cuddle her as a hug for goodnight? How f*****g stuoid are you? Children have needs and right, you just wave your "I'm a parent and you do as I say" - wand as everyone else who should think twice before having children. Can't you see your double standards here?
my mom once asked if I wanted a hug. I was upset about something unrelated to her and I said no. She got so upset and offended. I don't understand why. She asked and I said no. Now I feel like I always have to hug her
Load More Replies... I would still cuddle my mom after i was grown. Girls who need cuddles will find no shortage of volunteers who may not be so safe. I hope she doesn't become promiscuous looking for love in all the wrong places.
Away from this question, I am curious: How do people that generally don't like cuddles handle this with their children?
I never received cuddles as a kid and I m very awkward with physical contact in general. However I love hugging my kids and husband just no-one else.
Load More Replies... She did get this wrong, but she’s not an AH. This is absolutely fixable with an apology and hugs
I don't know if it will be completely fixable. It wouldn't be in me. Anytime someone gets upset or seemingly upset with me for doing something I will avoid it forever. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to cuddle again with anyone if this happened to me. That's probably all my anxiety talking but it wouldn't be fixable in me
Load More Replies... Another thing... I wish I had gotten cuddles. I still feel - at age 46 -- that I just "wasn't good enough".
You are good enough. They just don't see it.
Load More Replies... Oh, poor kid. This will prob stay with her forever no matter how much the mum tries to make up for it. Why could ahe have consulted anyone if she was that worried inatead of rejecting her daughters need for love and cuddle.
This mother makes me angry. She needs internet strangers' opinions to realize she was wrong...
I'd rather have a close bond with my daughter, with lots of motherly daughterly affection than a cold, unfeeling, tense relationship I have with my own mom. The choice is up to the parent. But each petty decision may take a long time to undo.
My best friends brother cuddled with his family until about 19. He never turned away or denied public affection either; never that "your embarrassing me" line once in his life from affection. After 19 he became a bit of a jerk but had things in life gone differently, he'd probably still be cuddling at 25. And my best friend at 39 will snuggle with her mom when she visits as they watch movies or if one is having an off/bad day. I would've killed for this type of relationship and affection and a lack of it, along with other things, has made me cold, bitter and distant. This close bond and affection is sooo freaking important. And just need to note my family weren't bad or neglectful but my dad worked excessively to support us and my mom was overwhelmed caring for my special needs brother so she didn't have energy or the mindfulness for me or my sister; they were too exhausted.
The trauma from being rejected by your own Mother for wanting love at this age is usually hard to come back from. I hope she posts an update to let us know how or if her daughter received her apology and her "extra cuddles and kisses". And I am so lucky my 69 year old Mother allows me to clobber her with hugs and love. As a matter a fact, I ran to hug my aunt a few days ago when she was visiting my Mom too. I'm 45 BTW lol! I gave her the biggest kiss on her head too. And my oldest Son, at 19, still climbs on my lap and manages to snuggle up to my arms and I eat it all up! One day he won't come around too much or will be busy with a gf so I take full advantage! Also, having a younger, Autistic Son makes me realize how important all this love is because unfortunately my youngest doesn't show affection all that often. But when and if he does show it, I welcome it as well with lots of excitement!
One who has been fed mixed messages about child grooming, consent and pre-adolescent sexualisation. The big long comment explaining all this hits it right on the head.
Load More Replies... Yep!!! I agree with everyone here on everything. Your probably one of the biggest AH I've read about on any post I've read. That was me when i was younger. Being denied affection. It didn't turn out well. Long story short, I turned to violence. I became mean. I rejected any affection like that, all due to a parent rejecting me. It took a long time to get over it, and I'm still not over it. It's a core memory that told me I wasn't worthy of affection. I still have issues with this and still turn to fighting to justify this. I have kids, and I never deny them this type of affection. I'm never mean, or disrespect them. I still to this day, when he needs it, snuggle my oldest boy, and he is pretty masculine. But he loves it. As long as my kids want snuggles, they'll get snuggles. And just to clarify something, I'm a man, who loves his children with all my heart. So I truly hope your happy with your decision as a mother. This might not be fixable. I hope you don't take this the wrong way.
Lol, just having flashbacks of when my cousins daughter was sitting in my lap when she was 12. I take after the short side of the family, she takes after the tall side so she was pretty much as tall as me already. It was hilarious and uncomfortable but I wouldn't give up those moments for the world.
It absolutely blows my mind that OP didn't think to research this, reach out to her community, or talk to a therapist/doctor/child psychologist about this to see if she was doing the right thing before telling her kid to "get off" of her. Not ONCE did she consider what her actions might do to her kid. Blazing AH. I'd be shocked if her kid hasn't permanently lost trust in her after this. And showering her kid with affection now might be unwise. I'd not want the contact and we shouldn't normalize love bombing. Cuddles with your kid are a PRIVILEGE which she may revoke at any time. Think about that the next time you go to do or say something hurtful to her because you think she isn't meeting some arbitrary standard for maturity (set by a rugged individualism style society that takes health kids and turns them into damaged, isolated adults.) Owning your mistake+trying to minimize the damage is your only hope, but make sure to respect any boundaries set by your kid.
If my son needs or wants a hug, he gets it even though he's a full grown man. There's nothing wrong with hugging your child! My own mother has 2 children: one, my sister, got her (so called) love and attention, and the other, the other one, me, got the verbal abuse and anything she could to make me feel less than. It's almost laughable because I was the honor roll student and my sister was the screw up, but she was the 'anything you say' one, not me. I can't remember a time she wanted to cuddle or even show any kind of affection toward me, even as a small child. This mother should be ashamed of herself! At least she sees that now, but she's already left a lasting, hurtful memory where there shouldn't be one.
My kids are 16 and 20. I would commit CRIMES to get them to cuddle me.
I'm not sure mom is gonna be able to fix this. It's a "She told me how she really feels and now I believe it" event. I'm insecure, if this had happened to me no amount of regret or apologies would make me feel better. I would feel like the apologies just came from feeling guilty for hurting me but that the person did actually believe what they said at the time and meant it. BE VERY CAREFUL parents.,
GOOD for that kid, maybe she should have never talked to you again! I am a 7'4 36-year-old man, and my Tiny sickly 5'1 mom still has me curl up by her and lay in "cuddle" in her lap, out of her 3 kids, I'm the only one that does it, A mom telling there child there too "big" for any kind of affection or "love" is just pure evilly wrong....I had lost my real mother to a bullet right in front of me, You know Im never never gonna miss a moment to hug this mom
If she's worried about emotionally stunting her daughter with cuddles, I would strongly recommen consulting a therapist first for an expert opinion. My mom hasn't hugged me, kissed me or told me she loved me since I was 12. Over 20 years and yeah, as a child I questioned whether or not my mom loved me.
Maybe she's getting too old to be in your lap, but she is NOT too old to cuddle, and don't deny her that affection. I basically got cut off from that kind of thing WAY young, if I ever had it, and that (along with some other factors) have contributed to me not wanting to be touched, and I only give hugs when I feel like someone really needs one emotionally, and for like no longer than a few seconds.
You're never too old. I'm 40 and still cuddle my mum, that woman sounds awful. Who in earth deprives their child of affection?
I've always said this: They (both parents and children) ain't gonna be around forever and before you know it, either party might never get the chance to be affectionate again because of distance and circumstance. Love your kids and parents now so you don't regret it later. I'm somewhat guilty of being a bit distant from my dad because of his gruff behaviour but I'm working on it. So love and cuddle now, while you can so you'll have no regrets later.
You are never too old for hugs and kisses from your loved ones. I still hug both of my parents and I am 37 years old. I hug all of my family. Age doesn't affect love. Like someone else said, she should be happy that her preteen daughter wants anything to do with her, let alone cuddle with her. This will be a core memory, but hopefully she can make things right.
My dad gets extremely happy when me or my sister cuddle with him because after 11 we haven't expressed physical affection to him because of gender boundaries and ware off of habit.
My mum did this to me when I was that age. I was "too big" to be shown affection etc. That messed me up for years. As an adult, I bristle when people touch me. Please apologize to your baby and give her a hug.
........I'm 26 and I still cuddle with my mother because I'm a human? We're social creatures and she literally gave birth to me and we're very close? Too old for cuddles isn't a thing.
Also agree with some of the others. Depending on her emotional sensitivity, this could turn into trauma. Even if she makes up with her mom, she may never forget it. My mom is great and I love her, but she's f****d up and those f**k ups have stayed with me in a negative way
Load More Replies... I have a little sister who is much younger than me, we’re both adults, and I still cuddle her! She’s forever my baby n affection between family has no age limit.
I sat on my Nana's lap into my late teens. Since she's been gone, I'm no longer comfortable with physical affection, as only she & I were that sort in my family.
I truly misunderstood at first, thinking it was about being too physically big. I'm 5' 5" 125ish lbs, my boys both tower over and massively outweigh me. They'd BREAK me. 🤣 But CUDDLES are ALWAYS welcome! 😊
Not an ah, just the worst parent ever. As an adult with a similar experience, you will never know the damage you have done to her. Great job mom
Not an a$$hole but definitely made the wrong choice. Never push your kids away.
I'm 28 and still go to my dad for a hug when I'm not feeling well. I'm glad OP realized her mistake and will be trying to sort it out.
Yeah she's the ah lol tbh, maybe I'm not the one to talk about it because in my case my parents were never that affectionate with my siblings and I to begin with. I guess they saved themselves and us the "you're too old for this" moment, and the result is that now I'm not a very touchy person and I get uncomfortable with that kind of contact from other people. But if my parents were actually the cuddly kind and one day they just told me that I'm too old I'd feel very bad and ashamed, and I even fear this girl will have even bigger problems from now on than if they never allowed her to cuddle in the first place.
Say your sorry, explain why you thought it was time to do it not that you wanted too but that's what she was expected by others to do and move on. I took cuddles til they stopped and they all stop, I cuddled my 11 year old, used to watch movies with my son on one side daughter on the other cuddling, sometimes my daughter sat on my lap, but one day they stop and you'll wish they didn't.
My daughter is 15 (almost 16) when we are sitting down on the couch, she still cuddles or holds my hand. Sometimes when we are out, she will hold my hand as well. I use a wheelchair now and honestly, I think sometimes she does it to let me know I'm okay. I will hold her hand and cuddle until the day I die. I wouldn't ever want to think of a day being the last time.
She may be too big for your lap but she can still sit next to you on the couch for cuddles or she can curl up next to you and put her head on your lap. No she's not too old for cuddles. No one ever gets too old for cuddles.
The first time I hugged my mom (that I have memory of at least) was at 18. I’ve realized recently that I am constantly touch starved but I am unable to do much about it because I’m completely uncomfortable with physical touch from anyone but a partner. Growing up, that seemed to be the only kind of relationship where physical touch was ok. Definitely hug/cuddle your children as often as they want. I felt like I was going out of my mind feeling like I was missing something but had no idea what it was. Got into too many risky situations as a teenager and young adult as well because of it
My 6'2 inch son has never had a problem cuddling with me. He's always been the one who yells "Mommy cuddles!" and then just lands on my lap. OOmpf!. I will admit, it was a hell of a lot easier when he was a bit younger/lighter, but how does one say, "" Well, after about 4 minutes it's easier to say, "Love you , but could you please your big a*s off me now?
"My daughter isn't old enough to know if she's straight or not" trust me, she is.
Leave her alone. The damage is done. Doubtful she will ever see cuddling as a good thing again. Words CAN hurt. See how bad mine just made you feel and we are not related.
She is a mom, she is also a human. She made a mistake and try to make amend, as it should be! And yup, 27 and still cuddle with my parents and siblings! I remember I was in a dark state of mind for some times around 22, could still climb in bed with my mom for comfort!
I am constantly asking my son if I can have a hug, I don't force one on him, it's on his terms. He is 3 and we are making sure he understands that being touched is his choice, with that being said, every time he comes and asks me for a hug or to kiss my cheek I say yes because some day he'll stop asking and not want to anymore because it's "not cool".
You made a mistake, a big one. But apologizing to your daughter is important. 1) Talking to her and letting her know how much you love her and always will, will go a long way towards healing this rift. 2) It's even more important that she knows that parents are human and make mistakes just like everyone else. But when you know you're wrong, apologizing is the right thing to do.
Once I was at a party where there was a lot of Moms and their kids. As per usual the Moms were all together talking and the kids were running around playing. One tween came by to touch base with her Mom and briefly sat on her lap and hugged her. After her daughter left, I said to the Mom how lucky she was to still have that with her daughter. My daughter had cut me off long ago. A few other Moms chimed in their agreement with me. The Mom blushed and was so thankful she still had a kid who wanted to touch her.
I’m blessed to still have both my parents playing an active role in mine (49M) and my daughters (12F) life. We hug when we meet, we happily sit together on sofas and my daughter loves snuggling up with Dad and / or Grandma & Grandad. Long may it continue. There will be days when she doesn’t wish to engage and my little storm cloud will ensure I know to be gentle with her but thankfully those times are few and far between (for now!) but she knows that hugs never run out and there’s a ready supply whenever she thinks a hug would do the job. Why on earth would I deny my daughter that affection or moment of comfort?
I am in my late 40's. My mother and I have had strained relations at times. Even now, I will climb up on the bed with her and rest my head next to hers and just talk or watch tv. Just being present with her. I could not imagine not being able to be close to my folks. Hugging my dad is one of the most incredibly comforting things in my life. I believe its their ability to show love and warmth that has made me the caring person I am today.
Look... I don't care how old I am or how old my daughter gets, if she wants to cuddle we are going to cuddle! I hug and kiss her pretty much every day. I tell her I love her and bug her every day. I will never stop shoveling love at my daughter. Our kids need to know that regardless of what happens in the world they always have us as their parents. You are NEVER too old for a cuddle with your parents. One day they won't be here and you will miss it!!!! That mom is a big ol' a*s for pushing her kid away just because she was getting older!!!!
My daugther is 17 and always comes up in my lap for cuddles when she is a bit tired or sad. She is the lovliest- I never did that with my mom and I count myself lucky
Bloody hell, I'm 40 and still hug my mum, always will. I still hug my 18 year old daughter and 17yr old son as well as my younger kids - I will never tell them they're too old
F**K. THAT. S**T. She is categorically emphatically 1000% TA. FFS, I'm REDACTED years old and I STILL enjoy a cuddle with my mom occasionally. An 11 year old being denied? That's f****d up.
27 here and I'll gladly take cuddles from my mother. I'm actually autistic and she's one of the only people allowed to hug me besides very few other people including my wife and my sister. You're never too old for affection from your parents.
Wait, why is it ok for a child, or anyone else for that matter, to set boundaries on hugs and being touched, but a mom wanting to set those same boundaries with their child is showing they don't love their child and should just allow it. Nana loves hugs and cuddles too, but if a kid doesn't want it their boundaries get respected. Doesn't mean the kid doesn't love Nana, just that they want to show affection some other way. Same should hold true for everyone, even if it is a parent. Being a parent doesn't automatically mean you have to allow your child to invade your boundaries. Now all your doing is teaching the kid that if they want something other people's boundaries don't matter.
There's a difference between "not right now Honey, I am a bit too tired for a hug" and "you are too old for hugs". And most 11 year olds can recognise that.
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