Teen’s Mom Chooses His Bully As Her TA, Boy Cuts Off Mother Completely And Decides To Move Out At 18
Being the child of a teacher at your school can have advantages and disadvantages. And while, for some, the advantages are more significant, for others, it’s the other way around. Just like for today’s story’s main character — a 16-year-old whose teacher mom chose his bully of many years to be her mentee. And, well, let’s just say that things for this mom-son relationship don’t seem so bright anymore.
More info: Reddit
Just as with many other things in life, being a child of a teacher at your school comes with pros and cons
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
A teen kept getting bullied by one kid at his school for many years, which basically ruined his life at school
Things became even worse when his mom, who is a teacher at the same school and knows about the bullying, took her son’s bully as her mentee
Image credits: Julia M Cameron (not the actual photo)
The son couldn’t believe his mom’s choice and asked her to choose any other kid in school, but she refused to do so
Image credits: Polina Tankilevitch (not the actual photo)
Image credits: u/Substantial-Egg-1971
So, the son ended up telling his mom that she was dead to him and that he’d break free of her the second he turned 18
The 16-year-old OP’s mom is a teacher at his school. And the school has a program where a student can become a TA during a period of an elective subject.
A TA, or teacher’s (or teaching) assistant, is a person who assists teachers in the classroom, hence the name. Usually, the teacher’s assistants are college graduates who get employed with a temporary contract at a school or a university. But in some schools, there are programs where a high school student can become an assistant and be mentored by a teacher, just like in today’s story.
The problem with the teacher’s aid that the mom from the story chose was that this student was her son’s nightmare — he bullied him for years on end. And what’s even worse — she knows about it.
So, no wonder why her choice hurt her son. When he asked why she chose him, she answered that he isn’t such a bad student — he only has a terrible home life. But none of her reasons properly explained why exactly she, and not some other teacher, should be the one to help the bully. And the mom took it as a sign of her son’s selfishness.
So, next, the OP did something very on-brand for a 16-year-old teenager — he told his mom that she’s dead to him if she keeps choosing her mentee over him. This would include erasing her from his life the second he turns 18. And even after these threats, his mom didn’t take his word seriously and stood behind her choice.
After a couple of days of the silent treatment, the teen was grounded, and his stuff was taken away from him when the mom tried to make her son talk to her, but he wouldn’t budge.
Things have gotten so bad that the OP is planning to change his path for the future — instead of going to college, he will be going to a trade school so he can be independent from his parents as soon as possible.
And while it might seem that the OP’s choice to basically punish his mom is pretty harsh, apparently, to most of the people in the comments of the post, it didn’t seem too harsh, as they decided that the teen wasn’t a jerk in this situation. In fact, quite a few internet folks expressed the sentiment that they would act similarly if they found themselves in a situation like this.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Later on, in an update, the teen notified that after some school interference, the mom finally dropped her son’s bully as a TA and gave a half-sincere apology. Yet, the OP says that too much damage has been done at this point, and he’ll never forgive her despite not giving her the silent treatment anymore.
Well, we could say that the OP ended up in this family dynamic-disrupting situation because his mom is a teacher at the same school he studies at. And it’s quite probable that this isn’t the only disadvantage of having a mom teaching at his school that he has ever experienced.
For example, some say that teachers’ kids are expected to do more and be better students and kids than the ones whose parents work in different places. Also, other students think that teachers’ kids are getting some kind of benefit that makes their life at school easier. While, typically, this is simply a misconception, it still doesn’t stop students from assuming it. And we think it might be likely that the OP has experienced some things like this, but as it didn’t cause a major family crisis, it never became a Reddit story that we know of.
On the other hand, there are good sides to being a student at your parent’s workplace. The advantages can range from quite silly ones to more serious stuff.
Examples of silly advantages would be being able to hear some rumors and have fun by sharing them with your peers. And serious examples could be having someone to talk to at school if you’re having a bad day or a parent being more empathetic to your load of work and stress, as they are more in the know about these things as an educator themselves.
Well, having a parent who is a teacher at your school is just a thing in life that has two sides — the good and the bad. Sadly, in today’s story, the bad side took over.
People online quite unitedly agreed that the jerk of the story was the mom who didn’t choose any other kid, and some even added they would act the same way he did in a similar situation
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I feel like this mother is one of those adults who has no idea what kind of lasting damage being bullied does to a person. There are people who bully and people who are bullied and the bystanders who don't see it as a big deal or think it's just "kidding around". Being bullied when you're a kid stays with you throughout your life. The mother is helping a person who damaged her own child. This kid is not TA.
It's also completely over the top that she's now punishing him for being angry at her!
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There’s a quite startling update. Very lazy by the Bored Panda author not to have posted anything from it https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bnlwki/update_aitah_for_telling_my_mom_she_is_dead_to_me/
I can't access the link because I'm on a school computer, can anyone summarize?
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I could imagine taking the bully under her wing if it was an attempt to actually change his behaviour. To improve his life and stop him actually being a bully. But if that was her intent, then she should have just explained that to her child. And she shouldn't have removed all his at home privileges when he didn't agree with her. That would have been the adult thing to do.
Nah, encourage someone else to step in and do that. When it's your own kid being bullied, no matter how good your intentions are, you can not put that bully's wellbeing above your own kid's. You need to build a wall to protect your kid from that.
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Here’s the update: To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right. Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn. A lot has actually happened since last week and while nothing is really fixed, I think things are going in the right direction. On Friday I got called out of class to the guidance counselor. When I got there, my mom and the assistant principal were there as well. The counselor asked me to sit down and said that me changing tracks from college to trade like I mentioned in my last post, was a big decision and she wanted to sit down with my mom and me to figure out if this really was the best for my future. She first asked me if I would fully explain why I wanted to switch. I explained the whole situation from my perspective and about how I was being punished. I said that if this is how I was going to be treated from now on, I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and going to college would have me relying on my parents for longer t
I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and going to college would have me relying on my parents for longer than I would like. She then asked my mom if she had anything she would like to add. My mom tried to downplay the who situation at first and make it look like I was just being stubborn and disrespectful, but as the counselor asked her more questions, it became pretty clear that my side was truth. After this the AP stepped in and said that a teacher's aide was not worth all of this turmoil and that Dave would be switched with another teacher. The counselor then asked me if this would help me to start working things out with my mom. I said not really because it wasn't even her choice and she hasn't even admitted she's done anything wrong. She then asked my mom if she was willing to apologize for anything that had happened. My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much. The counselor asked if I would lik
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HARD NTA, not only is she doing something as perverse as tormenting her child by selecting this kid, which 100% is her white knight/savior complex. But she's choosing to add to thr bullying and abuse of her son via her astonishing arrogance and entitlement to make his life hell until he humors her and gives in. She DESPERATELY needs mental health and her coming in crying is nothing but gaslighting and b*lls**t, at no point was she in the right aftet the initial conversation from her son. That t**t made her choice.
Spot on with condemning the father too; a weak man who would rather his child suffer than he stood up to his wife. Pathetic.
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NTA. People can be so callous about bullying. They don't get how much long term psychological harm it causes to the victims. I'm still dealing with it after many many years.
100%. I told my therapist in our first session that I had a happy childhood because in most ways I did, I had caring and supportive parents and two brothers who only teased me the normal amount and lots of good friends. Over time with pretty much every thing I wanted to talk about, it came out to be a result of the bullying I suffered at school. Nothing physical, but I was absolutely tormented mentally for three years in middle school, with lesser but somewhat continuing issues in high school. I discounted the effect of that and I was the one who lived through it! But at age 40 there are still echoes of it that affect my life. Not poor general self-esteem because I built that back up the hard way, but certain things that I'm terrified of being open about for fear of judgement.
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If this was just OP being upset with his mother and refusing to talk to her, I would consider OP TA for mixing his personal stuff with his mother's professional duties. It's the parents' punishment of OP for basically having certain feelings that make Mom and Dad both huge AHs. Mom's job is teacher at the HS, and as part of a course she selects someone to be her TA. Based on his behavior in her classroom and the course requirements, Mom selected the boy who had previously bullied her son. In some respects, Mom was doing her job as a teacher and not discriminating against a student who had history with her child. That's separating work from personal, right? But when OP objected, on the basis that his mother was essentially rewarding his bully, who was still nasty the few times OP encountered him in high school, Mom punished OP! for having feelings! So the parents here are huge AHs for punishing OP for his feelings, for not respecting those feelings, and THEY mixed personal with work.
The mother is obviously privvy to highly personal information about the bully. What she Should have done in her position was to ensure that he received the correct support and hand him over to another professional. Her handling of the situation was atrocious and surely too is a conflict of interest? Her son and his bully? It does not make sense that she did this And the school allowed it happen too 😔
Dave needs help. Totally get that. Totally true. He needs a positive role model in his life. 100% agree. But the mother of the person he bullied is simply the wrong person to give that comfort to him. There are plenty of other teachers who could step up and do that. And if this woman truly cares about this kid, she should be doing the leg work to make that happen. But she should not be directly involved. This isn't difficult. Your own damn child's wellbeing must come first.
The horrible thing is, when I was studying at university, I saw exactly this in reality. People, especially teachers and also lots of therapists focus exclusively on the poor, poor bullies and not a bit on their victims. They behave as if the victims will be fine on their own, as soon as the bullying ends or even as soon as they're told how bad their bullies have it at home. The bullies are treated like helpless victims, while the real victims of their actions are removed from the class, told to be understanding and left alone. Every single anti bullying program focuses solely on bullies. There's barely anything to help their victims. But the fact is, in most cases, the bullies just move on, wether they get 'help' or not, while their victims suffer life long consequences and have an abnormal high rate of selfharm, d**g abuse and even suicide. Hey myth of the victims becoming successful is prevalent, but not backed up in reality. 9/10 end up in much worse positions than expected.
Bullying destroys confidence and self esteem in the victims. They're filled with doubt, and if removed from their classes to 'protect' them from their bullying, it perpetuates the perception of them having somehow caused the bullying to happen. For them it feels like punishment, even if they're feeling relieved at first. It knaws on their self esteem even more, especially since the bullying makes them shy, overly self aware and withdrawn, which will make it harder for them to find new friends in the new environment. Those victims often change their plans for education, leave school early and end up in mediocre jobs and careers, while watching their bullies get rewarded for their bad behaviour with extra attention, programs and support.
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As a parent myself I'm at an utter loss to understand this mother's behaviour. Not only would I never take on my child's bully in any capacity, but if I ever found myself in a position where I had done so inadvertently and my child came to me to explain how they felt, my mistake would be instantly corrected. This mother sounds like a clear case of borderline personality disorder / narcissist and the OP should keep distance between them for his own mental health.
NTA... both parents are favoring a child that's not even their own. No one ever forget about their bully, it stays with you forever & they don't understand how it impact their son. To make matters worse is his mother is a teacher, she clearly didn't do peer mediation to try to at least have both boys come to some sort of understanding. Or encouraged the bully to apologize to her son at least. Glad he's not giving up & willing to go NC. He deserves better!!
Omg, no … RUN! This is insane, OP. Your parents are legit trying to bully you into getting their own way! “Mother” would be giving all your stuff back & would drop your school bully like a hot stone if she were truly sorry & cared enough about saving the relationship between you … instead, she’s using crocodile tears & punishment to try & get what she wants. If you have a friend who would let you stay, I’d consider going there for a while. If you don’t have anywhere else you could stay, I’d say keep to your word … once you’re 18, get all your stuff, whatever money you might have saved & then just split. Don’t even look back, because they don’t deserve you. Live for yourself, hon. 🙅♀️🥺💖
I'd give your mother a good talking to if I could. Boy oh boy is she wrong. She should have ousted that other kid as soon as you spoke to her. That she didn't and then bullied you to bend to her will makes me sick. Plan ahead and be prepared for when you turn 18.
I am absolutely SICK AND TIRED of people that are so quick to pour all their sympathy on BULLIES, and ignore the REAL victims. the people who they literally enjoy causing suffering on. it's always, oh, the poor bullies, it's not their fault. BS! it IS their fault. it's not the fault of the people being bullied. if they enjoy hurting people there is something fundamentally wrong with THEM, and they deserve no sympathy whatsoever. I don't care what else is going on in their lives, it's the people who they enjoy bullying that are the real victims. always. bullies aren't victims, they are perpetrators.
With a bully, the only thing that works is some good old fashioned barn yard justice. Get that first hit in, and make it a good one. You didn't have any support from your parents, me, personally, I would drop them like a bad habit.
Reading between the lines, I wonder - is the mom secretly having an affair with "Dave"?
I feel for this kid. Different situation, but my mother stayed in contact with my abusive ex wife for quite some time, as did some other family members, including my sister who went so far to invite my ex wife to my brother in law's graduation party. (and she actually went) I don't speak to that sister (there are other issues too, that was the tip of the iceberg) and have been either low or no contact with my parents since. Stick to your guns, enforce your boundaries, and be prepared to move on with your life if they don't respect you.
In the poll above, they're asking about mom's apology. Her apology means absolutely nothing if she continues to allow his bully to be her TA. Mom has royally screwed up, and she doesn't know how to unscrew it, so she's punishing him instead. I wonder if she realizes that her attitude has made her lose her son, probably for the rest of her life? He will walk out that door the instant he turns 18, and I hope she realizes as he goes out the door that it's the last time she'll ever seen him.
I was bullied as a kid, not nearly as bad as you by the sounds of it but it damaged me, and it is extremely dangerous. Your parents, both of them, should not be allowed to have custody of children if what you're writing here is true. I fully support you removing yourself from their lives entirely.
Get a job if you don't already have one. You will need deposits (first and last months' rent, getting your utilities turned on, cable or your wi-fi) things like that. Start saving now, so you won't be under your parents thumb when you turn 18. Start NOW. I went thru a similar situation. My count down started when I was 12. Get a job and get your ducks in a row. I wish you the very best for your future.
I think the son needs to grow up a little. The mom was right. I'm sorry she had to give up her TA. The way to end the bullying was understanding why it happened and dealing with the root of the problem. Now that will never happen.
I feel like this mother is one of those adults who has no idea what kind of lasting damage being bullied does to a person. There are people who bully and people who are bullied and the bystanders who don't see it as a big deal or think it's just "kidding around". Being bullied when you're a kid stays with you throughout your life. The mother is helping a person who damaged her own child. This kid is not TA.
It's also completely over the top that she's now punishing him for being angry at her!
Load More Replies... There’s a quite startling update. Very lazy by the Bored Panda author not to have posted anything from it https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1bnlwki/update_aitah_for_telling_my_mom_she_is_dead_to_me/
I can't access the link because I'm on a school computer, can anyone summarize?
Load More Replies... I could imagine taking the bully under her wing if it was an attempt to actually change his behaviour. To improve his life and stop him actually being a bully. But if that was her intent, then she should have just explained that to her child. And she shouldn't have removed all his at home privileges when he didn't agree with her. That would have been the adult thing to do.
Nah, encourage someone else to step in and do that. When it's your own kid being bullied, no matter how good your intentions are, you can not put that bully's wellbeing above your own kid's. You need to build a wall to protect your kid from that.
Load More Replies... Here’s the update: To everyone who said my mom was sleeping with Dave... You were right. Just kidding, yall are weirdos and watch too much porn. A lot has actually happened since last week and while nothing is really fixed, I think things are going in the right direction. On Friday I got called out of class to the guidance counselor. When I got there, my mom and the assistant principal were there as well. The counselor asked me to sit down and said that me changing tracks from college to trade like I mentioned in my last post, was a big decision and she wanted to sit down with my mom and me to figure out if this really was the best for my future. She first asked me if I would fully explain why I wanted to switch. I explained the whole situation from my perspective and about how I was being punished. I said that if this is how I was going to be treated from now on, I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and going to college would have me relying on my parents for longer t
I wanted to become independent as soon as possible and going to college would have me relying on my parents for longer than I would like. She then asked my mom if she had anything she would like to add. My mom tried to downplay the who situation at first and make it look like I was just being stubborn and disrespectful, but as the counselor asked her more questions, it became pretty clear that my side was truth. After this the AP stepped in and said that a teacher's aide was not worth all of this turmoil and that Dave would be switched with another teacher. The counselor then asked me if this would help me to start working things out with my mom. I said not really because it wasn't even her choice and she hasn't even admitted she's done anything wrong. She then asked my mom if she was willing to apologize for anything that had happened. My mom gave a half-hearted apology where she said things had gone overboard and she never meant to hurt me so much. The counselor asked if I would lik
Load More Replies... HARD NTA, not only is she doing something as perverse as tormenting her child by selecting this kid, which 100% is her white knight/savior complex. But she's choosing to add to thr bullying and abuse of her son via her astonishing arrogance and entitlement to make his life hell until he humors her and gives in. She DESPERATELY needs mental health and her coming in crying is nothing but gaslighting and b*lls**t, at no point was she in the right aftet the initial conversation from her son. That t**t made her choice.
Spot on with condemning the father too; a weak man who would rather his child suffer than he stood up to his wife. Pathetic.
Load More Replies... NTA. People can be so callous about bullying. They don't get how much long term psychological harm it causes to the victims. I'm still dealing with it after many many years.
100%. I told my therapist in our first session that I had a happy childhood because in most ways I did, I had caring and supportive parents and two brothers who only teased me the normal amount and lots of good friends. Over time with pretty much every thing I wanted to talk about, it came out to be a result of the bullying I suffered at school. Nothing physical, but I was absolutely tormented mentally for three years in middle school, with lesser but somewhat continuing issues in high school. I discounted the effect of that and I was the one who lived through it! But at age 40 there are still echoes of it that affect my life. Not poor general self-esteem because I built that back up the hard way, but certain things that I'm terrified of being open about for fear of judgement.
Load More Replies... If this was just OP being upset with his mother and refusing to talk to her, I would consider OP TA for mixing his personal stuff with his mother's professional duties. It's the parents' punishment of OP for basically having certain feelings that make Mom and Dad both huge AHs. Mom's job is teacher at the HS, and as part of a course she selects someone to be her TA. Based on his behavior in her classroom and the course requirements, Mom selected the boy who had previously bullied her son. In some respects, Mom was doing her job as a teacher and not discriminating against a student who had history with her child. That's separating work from personal, right? But when OP objected, on the basis that his mother was essentially rewarding his bully, who was still nasty the few times OP encountered him in high school, Mom punished OP! for having feelings! So the parents here are huge AHs for punishing OP for his feelings, for not respecting those feelings, and THEY mixed personal with work.
The mother is obviously privvy to highly personal information about the bully. What she Should have done in her position was to ensure that he received the correct support and hand him over to another professional. Her handling of the situation was atrocious and surely too is a conflict of interest? Her son and his bully? It does not make sense that she did this And the school allowed it happen too 😔
Dave needs help. Totally get that. Totally true. He needs a positive role model in his life. 100% agree. But the mother of the person he bullied is simply the wrong person to give that comfort to him. There are plenty of other teachers who could step up and do that. And if this woman truly cares about this kid, she should be doing the leg work to make that happen. But she should not be directly involved. This isn't difficult. Your own damn child's wellbeing must come first.
The horrible thing is, when I was studying at university, I saw exactly this in reality. People, especially teachers and also lots of therapists focus exclusively on the poor, poor bullies and not a bit on their victims. They behave as if the victims will be fine on their own, as soon as the bullying ends or even as soon as they're told how bad their bullies have it at home. The bullies are treated like helpless victims, while the real victims of their actions are removed from the class, told to be understanding and left alone. Every single anti bullying program focuses solely on bullies. There's barely anything to help their victims. But the fact is, in most cases, the bullies just move on, wether they get 'help' or not, while their victims suffer life long consequences and have an abnormal high rate of selfharm, d**g abuse and even suicide. Hey myth of the victims becoming successful is prevalent, but not backed up in reality. 9/10 end up in much worse positions than expected.
Bullying destroys confidence and self esteem in the victims. They're filled with doubt, and if removed from their classes to 'protect' them from their bullying, it perpetuates the perception of them having somehow caused the bullying to happen. For them it feels like punishment, even if they're feeling relieved at first. It knaws on their self esteem even more, especially since the bullying makes them shy, overly self aware and withdrawn, which will make it harder for them to find new friends in the new environment. Those victims often change their plans for education, leave school early and end up in mediocre jobs and careers, while watching their bullies get rewarded for their bad behaviour with extra attention, programs and support.
Load More Replies... As a parent myself I'm at an utter loss to understand this mother's behaviour. Not only would I never take on my child's bully in any capacity, but if I ever found myself in a position where I had done so inadvertently and my child came to me to explain how they felt, my mistake would be instantly corrected. This mother sounds like a clear case of borderline personality disorder / narcissist and the OP should keep distance between them for his own mental health.
NTA... both parents are favoring a child that's not even their own. No one ever forget about their bully, it stays with you forever & they don't understand how it impact their son. To make matters worse is his mother is a teacher, she clearly didn't do peer mediation to try to at least have both boys come to some sort of understanding. Or encouraged the bully to apologize to her son at least. Glad he's not giving up & willing to go NC. He deserves better!!
Omg, no … RUN! This is insane, OP. Your parents are legit trying to bully you into getting their own way! “Mother” would be giving all your stuff back & would drop your school bully like a hot stone if she were truly sorry & cared enough about saving the relationship between you … instead, she’s using crocodile tears & punishment to try & get what she wants. If you have a friend who would let you stay, I’d consider going there for a while. If you don’t have anywhere else you could stay, I’d say keep to your word … once you’re 18, get all your stuff, whatever money you might have saved & then just split. Don’t even look back, because they don’t deserve you. Live for yourself, hon. 🙅♀️🥺💖
I'd give your mother a good talking to if I could. Boy oh boy is she wrong. She should have ousted that other kid as soon as you spoke to her. That she didn't and then bullied you to bend to her will makes me sick. Plan ahead and be prepared for when you turn 18.
I am absolutely SICK AND TIRED of people that are so quick to pour all their sympathy on BULLIES, and ignore the REAL victims. the people who they literally enjoy causing suffering on. it's always, oh, the poor bullies, it's not their fault. BS! it IS their fault. it's not the fault of the people being bullied. if they enjoy hurting people there is something fundamentally wrong with THEM, and they deserve no sympathy whatsoever. I don't care what else is going on in their lives, it's the people who they enjoy bullying that are the real victims. always. bullies aren't victims, they are perpetrators.
With a bully, the only thing that works is some good old fashioned barn yard justice. Get that first hit in, and make it a good one. You didn't have any support from your parents, me, personally, I would drop them like a bad habit.
Reading between the lines, I wonder - is the mom secretly having an affair with "Dave"?
I feel for this kid. Different situation, but my mother stayed in contact with my abusive ex wife for quite some time, as did some other family members, including my sister who went so far to invite my ex wife to my brother in law's graduation party. (and she actually went) I don't speak to that sister (there are other issues too, that was the tip of the iceberg) and have been either low or no contact with my parents since. Stick to your guns, enforce your boundaries, and be prepared to move on with your life if they don't respect you.
In the poll above, they're asking about mom's apology. Her apology means absolutely nothing if she continues to allow his bully to be her TA. Mom has royally screwed up, and she doesn't know how to unscrew it, so she's punishing him instead. I wonder if she realizes that her attitude has made her lose her son, probably for the rest of her life? He will walk out that door the instant he turns 18, and I hope she realizes as he goes out the door that it's the last time she'll ever seen him.
I was bullied as a kid, not nearly as bad as you by the sounds of it but it damaged me, and it is extremely dangerous. Your parents, both of them, should not be allowed to have custody of children if what you're writing here is true. I fully support you removing yourself from their lives entirely.
Get a job if you don't already have one. You will need deposits (first and last months' rent, getting your utilities turned on, cable or your wi-fi) things like that. Start saving now, so you won't be under your parents thumb when you turn 18. Start NOW. I went thru a similar situation. My count down started when I was 12. Get a job and get your ducks in a row. I wish you the very best for your future.
I think the son needs to grow up a little. The mom was right. I'm sorry she had to give up her TA. The way to end the bullying was understanding why it happened and dealing with the root of the problem. Now that will never happen.
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