Parents always talk about the “terrible twos,” when their toddlers relentlessly wreak havoc on their homes and patience levels. But let’s not forget that the teenage years can be quite tumultuous as well. That girl who was once a sweet and loving child is now pumped full of hormones and has learned how to sneak out of the house and effortlessly hurl the most offensive insults you’ve ever heard.
Many teens go through one particularly rough patch that makes parents want to rip their hair out before returning back to being kind, civilized humans. But one mom who has been dealing with years of unruly behavior from her daughter is now asking the internet for advice. Below, you’ll find the mother’s full explanation of why she no longer wants to live with her daughter, as well as conversations with Amy Morrison of Pregnant Chicken and Pamela Li of Parenting for Brain.
This mom has been putting up with cruel behavior from her teenage daughter for years
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Now, she’s decided that it’s time for one of them to move out of the house
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)
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Later, the mom responded to several readers and shared even more details about the situation
“While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance”
To learn more about the challenges parents must navigate while raising teenagers, we reached out to Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken. Amy assured us that it’s perfectly normal for teens to go through a difficult phase. “I read a great analogy that compared the relationship between teens and their parents to getting on a rollercoaster,” she shared. “You know you’re in for a big, scary ride, so you test the safety bars to ensure they will hold. Teens often test parents to see if they will ‘hold’ when they push against them.”
Pamela Li, founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting for Brain, also weighed in on the topic, noting that adolescence is full of physical and emotional growth, often leading to impulsive or even reckless behavior. But this particular situation is worrying. “While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance,” Pamela says. “It has escalated into targeted and ongoing cruelty, which is neither normal nor healthy.”
Amy added that parents should start to be concerned when they feel they’ve lost control of the situation. “By control, I don’t mean that you’re controlling your teen, but you are no longer in control of your home, your boundaries, etc.,” she explained.
“In this case, the behavior has reached a point where it’s impacting a family member’s mental well-being, and professional interventions haven’t brought about any improvement,” Pamela added, noting that the situation calls for urgent, decisive measures. The expert also told Bored Panda that behavioral problems are often disguised cries for help. “Though it’s an unfortunate way to seek assistance, it’s a signal nonetheless,” Pamela says. “Rather than ignoring or delegating the issue to someone else, it’s more constructive for the parent to engage with the teen and work through it together.”
Image credits: Monstera (not the actual photo)
“If you are a safe person, [teens] are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens”
“Since this change occurred three years ago, something must have triggered it, or an ongoing issue may be at play,” Pamela continued. “The parents must strive to uncover the root cause. The fact that the child’s behavior is directed solely at the mother could indicate that the reason is connected to her, or perhaps the teen feels more at ease displaying this unruly behavior towards her.”
We also asked the parenting experts if they believe boarding school is a viable option for this teen. “I think it can be a great solution – it gives both of you space to be the people you need to be,” Amy shared. “That said, I don’t think it should be used as a threat or a punishment, and it has to be viewed as a solution that improves the situation.” Pamela also worries that simply sending the daughter away may only change the problem, or even exacerbate it, rather than resolve it.
“If therapy hasn’t successfully pinpointed the problem, it may be time to consult a different therapist,” Pamela added. “People connect differently. Find another professional to help the daughter and the parent resolve. Don’t settle for a therapist who cannot help. Continue exploring options until the right fit is found. Don’t abandon the child.”
Amy also recommends that the parents set boundaries, and refrain from taking their daughter’s actions personally. “Teens are still kids, and it’s easy to forget that,” the parenting expert says. “If you are a safe person, they are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens. Be consistent, firm and fair. Take a moment to really examine if something really matters – if they don’t want to wear a coat, do you really need to die on that hill or can you let it go?”
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
“If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them”
Pamela suggests that the parents avoid using punishments as well. “If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them,” she says. “Should they overstep boundaries or speak cruelly, calmly point out the behavior and then disengage from the conversation or remove them from the situation.”
“The mental well-being of the parent is equally vital. If she continues to feel distressed, it indicates that her current therapist does not provide the support needed, and exploring other therapeutic options might be necessary,” Pamela continued. “It’s undoubtedly painful to endure cruel words meant to hurt, but try to view them as a desperate plea for help. Something is amiss, and the child needs assistance. Don’t give up on her. Continue seeking the right therapists or psychologists who can provide the right support to heal.”
Amy also wants to remind parents how difficult being a teenager can be. “You want to be independent from your parents, but it’s almost impossible to do both financially and physically, and your hormones are raging on top of it,” she explained. “Give them as much space as you can, but be clear and consistent with the boundaries you set.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this post in the comments below, pandas. Did you go through a similar experience when your kids were teens? Or were you more like the daughter when you were in your adolescence? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested, check out this Bored Panda article discussing what teens should understand about the real world next!
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Many readers shared messages of support and advice for the concerned mother
Personally, the daughter's psychiatrist doesn't sound very good if he/she is telling the parents to apologize to the daughter for yelling at her. She should be apologizing to them and learning coping mechanisms on how to better communicate with her mother. Send her to boarding school.
Spin this around. Take the words and actions of the teenager, and give them to the mother. Every single person would be screaming 'ABUSE' and rightly so. At 14 years of age, this teenager knows the difference between 'It's just a joke', and the c**p she is pulling. She is abusing her mother, and her mother needs to be protected from her.
That happened to us….my sister treated our mom worse than I did. She mouthed off to mom one morning so mom smacked her leg with an old spoon. The head of the spoon broke off and caught her in the face giving her a tiny bruise on her face. A teacher overheard the conversation and called DYFS. They showed up at our house….my mom had my sister’s bag packed. She told the DYFS lady, “You wanna investigate child abuse, screw that! This is PARENTAL abuse! Im not living with this monster anymore, shes all yours! Here’s al her c**p - she’s in her room, down the hall on the left!” The DYFS lady talked to my sister for an hour and left - never to be heard from again. To this day (30 years later) my sister still refuses to say what they talked about - claims she “doesnt remember”…….yeah right! Whatever that lady said caused her to do a complete 180 in a week’s time!
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Sounds like she is acting this way because she has learned there are zero consequences, and it gives her power. When the poster loses her temper with her, she is the one apologizing, she takes away the phone as punishment, but just giver her an older model to use instead, she grounds her then gives in because she doesn't want her to miss out on a social life. The kid clearly has issues, but with no boundaries or consequence , why would she change her behaviour
Agreed. They act like its their fault if the girl misses out on a social life, when in fact its the girls own fault by her behaviour. The parents are WAY to soft on her, worrying about hurting her feelings. They need to come down HARD every single time she makes a comment like that
Load More Replies... "Yelled at her a few times" psh. Shut that shït down! When you have a dog who wants to go after another dog when you're on a walk, you don't wait until he starts going nuts trying to get there. Your dog isn't allowed to *look* at the other dog. The behavior correction starts at the *beginning*. Likewise, the moment this teenager opens her mouth to be rude, *everybody else* gets up and walks tf out of the room. Every time. Full rejection. "Your attitude is toxic, and I don't want any of it to get on me. Your words are cruel, and I will not stand for you to talk to someone I love in that manner. Your behavior is vile, and I will not give you the opportunity to infringe it upon myself and others." What she's learned so far is that she can be a jerk 25 times and the cost is being yelled at once.
Sorry mom, Your worrying about hurting her feelings has encouraged this behavior. SHE wants YOU gone. If you move out she wins. Be the ADULT put your foot down, she is acting like a AZZ and there are no real excuses. Your punishments are not effective ( she has learned to hold out for a bit and you will cave). Ship he off, inform her that her behavior is not going to be tolerated and until she learns respect - she is not welcome in the FAMILY home. When she is in the house - she is to be in HER room ONLY - no interaction with anyone. And I also think your "shrink" is a failure. Sorry hugging a child while they gleefully stab you in the back is NOT healthy.
I had some issues with my stepdaughter when she was in her teens. It didn't matter what approach I used. Eventually, I started staying late at work, the gym, stores. I wasn't afraid of her, just tired of the situation. After about a week of not coming home that much, my husband told his daughter to get tf out! I had no idea he would do that, and let me tell you, she was shocked too. Her brother backed his father when my stepdaughter's mother protested about the change in living arrangements. Stepdaughter was eventually diagnosed with ODD and adhd (inattentive). ODD is a nightmare but I digress. I think OP should let her husband take over the situation. There is some sort of invented competition with the dad going on here. He's got to reject the attempted hijack of the mother's position in the family. Sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. If you're still in doubt, watch a nature show or two. If mom is having trouble, the threat of being eaten by dad works.
I found out that my stepdaughter once told my husband to choose between me and her. As many fights as we had I would never have asked my husband that, but then again I was the adult. He explained to her that she would always be his daughter but it was unfair of her to ask him to get rid of his wife while she continued on with her life and was allowed to have a love life of her own, but not him. I guess it struck home with her because she never asked him again. She doesn’t know the real reason her parents divorced was her mother having an affair with her husband’s best friend. She still thinks it was his relationship with me and we met a year after they divorced.
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I have been in this situation. Whilst a different therapist might help, this is a version of what I did. Set up a meeting with you, hubby & daughter. Explain that the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated going forward. She has 2 choices, to modify her behaviour (have a basic list ready) or to go to boarding school. Emphasise that you love her, however the family home is for everyone to be safe and happy, and that is not how it's is. If she agrees to stay she has to sign the paper. If not then it's school. She has to make the decision. Best of luck X
Having read through this post and all included comments I feel like everything has been said. A good friend of mine is a therapist who specialized in counseling teenagers and their parents. From conversations with him I learned that our brain isn't fully developed until we're 25. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala, which is the emotional part. HOWEVER...in this particular case I really feel for the mom and the family. I think there are 2 options: they either change the daughter's psychiatrist to have her re-evaluated to check if medication could be beneficial for her, or they send her to boarding school...
As a parent, I'd clap back at her, hard. She cuts my ponytail, I cut hers. She makes a crappy comment, I come back with a crappier comment. No apology. "Dad is going to leave you". "Oh yeah? What for you? You think he wants an incestuous relationship with a fat 14 year old? He sure as F wouldn't find another woman that would put up with you." Keep it up, brat, I got a million of them. Rotten milk in my moisturizer? I'd pour it on her face. The kid is doing it because you let her. She hates you because you're weak. My kid was mouthing off one day and my husband heard it and lost his mind, came in and explained everything I do for her and how he wouldn't, full volume. Lot less of that happened after. United front with a vengeance.
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OP should watch some episodes of supernanny, where there are a bit older kids. It seems like they're afraid of being firm and giving consequences in the face of this behavior. Like go to your room, immediately and every single time, if you can't behave in a socially acceptable way. And if she doesn't respect mum then dad needs to enforce it, and refuse to engage with the daughter following such incidents.
Not tryina be a smartasss but your post reminded me of Eric Cartman being straightened out by Cesar Millan !
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Get another therapist, the one you have is useless. Right now, your daughter is the dominant figure in the household and everyone tiptoes around her, trying to “model good behavior”. She’s no different from a tantruming toddler who isn’t being properly parented. You are the mother and you need to be in charge. Find a therapist who supports you in this.
I think the missing piece from what is shared, the daughter does not fear her mother. She bullies her because she can. Sometimes the passivity can grind on a person's nerve and push the boundaries until they go too far with the victim. Even the tone of the moms post was passive. Her daughter probably wants her to push back but doesn't have the emotional intelligence to say why and what. I was a mouthy teen and I went to extremes depending on the parents. I judged my mom because she was fat and I thought she lacked self discipline so I treated her a certain way. None of it was right and I LOVE my parents like nothing else in this world today at almost 50. But as a teen I pushed buttons because guess what I could until I poked the bear 1 time too many. My butt learned that day for sure. This is a mom/daughter problem. The dad needs to support mom BUT mom needs to buck up. Leaving the house again shows that the daughter wins that should not be the message.
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Listen, every teenager goes through a phase where they hate their parents. I did too. It’s basically the initial foray into independence and moving away from being a dependent child, which may be difficult to deal with, but is totally normal, and the vast majority turn out just fine. But that majority generally limit it to sometimes being ornery, talking back, having a look on their faces like a slapped a*s, and trash talking their parents when they’re around their friends. It’s usually very short-lived, and they’re over it and redirecting that energy toward high school and eventually college. Cutting off the pony tail—-while her mother was on a Zoom meeting with her boss, ffs—-would’ve been the last straw for me. I would’ve excused myself from the meeting, logged off, and been grabbing and cutting off hers, to both shock her out of it and give her a taste of her own medicine. I can take a lot from people, but everyone has their breaking point, and trying to humiliate me in front of my boss and coworkers, when I can’t immediately respond, would be that point. Sometimes you just have to speak a bully’s own language to get through to them. The therapist is absolutely dead wrong with telling the parents to apologize for yelling. Do they also tell the daughter she too has to apologize for her nasty actions? Probably not, so f**k that s**t. Daughter needs to know that people outside her family don’t love her and aren’t going to put up with her nasty behavior—-and if she treats the wrong people like s**t, getting yelled at will be the minimum consequence she’ll pay for it. Let her try pulling stunts like that on her boss, her spouse, her friends, when she’s an adult and no one is making any excuses for her and treating her with kid gloves. If she’s smart, she’ll wake up to herself and stop it, hopefully before she ends up in prison for pulling a prank that went deadly wrong, or in a box for pushing someone to an extreme limit and they push back hard and permanently. Yes. I’d be changing therapists for one who can get to the root of her behavior, then work on helping her, and the rest of the family, confront it, deal with it, and develop the strength to get through it, stop reacting negatively to it, not let it ruin their otherwise solid loving bond, and to continue moving forward in life.
Just a tiny disagreement: not every teenager tends to hate the parents on one point. But I think my youngest brother and I totally overslept the park off being a teenager... . (Fe only few pimples, no escapades, no hormone driven actions or sayings, no partying alcohol or drugs... We just skipped it and I add the oldest has always been very mature.)
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Yelling would be the LAST thing this child would have to worry about if she were mine. The first time she said something hurtful, harmful or disrespectful she would've been smacked across the room!!! This is why there are so many people that think they can say whatever to whomever and yell victim when someone whoops their a*s! A backhand to the mouth at 12 would've solved this issue smh
Yes and no. I mean yeah, this behavior deserves a beating, but there's clearly something going on here that is too severe, and too deeply rooted, to be solved that way. Girl needs help, and her shrink isn't providing it.
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If my daughter even dared, she would have wished she hadn't. I'm gonna peeve people and all but, as a minority looking in, we see this behavior in movies and TV and always comment, "white people". Maybe these aren't even white BUT coming hard like it is. It is constantly reoccurring that the kids speak very rudely with the parents and it gets brushed off as normal, typical teenager. Maybe not in real life but it is highly depicted in movies/shows. I know minorities get the joke of a chancla, branch, a*s whooping, etc. I'm not talking about literal physical abuse BUT, that attitude would be heavily implicated on giving consequences etc. If her psychiatrist claims it isn't something specific then it's just a brat being allowed to be a brat. UNLESS the mother treats the daughter like that... I would much more seriously handle with the words coming out of my mouth. Good people do not treat people that way. I would remind my daughter endlessly the sort of c**p human she is being.
I understand if I am being discriminatory, racist etc. I get that. I don't think all white people. Just oddly depicted in movie/TV and as a minority and my experience... We just all express, "white people" when we see such off behavior between parents and kids. I am SURE there are stereotypes you've witnessed and well, giving an insight of a "colored " households perspective on this. We really have serious discussions on why the kid would be allowed to act like such a d**k.
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OP says there is no abuse in the home, but it is, absolutely, abuse. She is suffering PTSD, and apologizing for yelling simply minimizes this seriously dangerous and traumatizing behavior. at this point. Absolutely send the daughter to boarding school - as mentioned above, it may be the opportunity she needs to grow up. “Only a joke” is an excuse bullies use. And find a new psychiatrist who is willing to go into this further. It may be that she needs to do this in an extended period away from the family, to see that they are serious about this behavior needing to stop, and also having the freedom to go into it away from friends, family,, etc. Sending her for complete psychiatric evaluation in a hospital, may be one way to do this, as she is clearly a danger to others - even if it seems to be only one other person at this point.
"we've tried a whole bunch of nothing and now we're out of ideas" is what I read. Maybe this is harsh but mom is being a doormat. Dad is being vacant. This girl needs a swift kick in the a*s. Assault, menacing, harassment to say a few of the things she could be arrested for. Cutting moms hair was beyond a line. Too many therapists. I'm all about progressive and modern solutions but sometimes a good a*s kicking solves a lot of problems. I don't mean physically hitting her but some serious consequences need to happen. You stopped grounding her because you were worried about her social life? She cant be social being a psychopath. Ops boundaries are in the wind. The husband is in la la Land. Everyone in this story sounds so out of touch with reality.
Grounding her to where she is away from her friends may sound great, electronics taken away which all has been done, but this will give her more time to think and plan how to torture her Mom a lot more. Verbal and physical abuse is not the answer. Who knows maybe a knife is next. If the young teen snuck up behind her mother while she was working and cut off part of her pony tail with scissors what is next a knife, broken glass ? Get her a**e out of the house. Maybe to another relative, if the same thing happens then right to boarding school. Have her disappear from her house because apparently she does not respect it or the people in it. She may be just pushing Mom to the edge but it is affecting the whole house hold. Do something before somebody breaks and lands up in the news.
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Idk why but I feel like something is missing here . I think the OP should check her daughter's background, school life , friends etc again cause something feels off. Teens just don't become extremely aggressive and say "it was a joke" .
I agree, but the weird part here is the kid redirects all aggression to the mum, so if it comes from trauma/mental issues, it's extremely specific
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Could this girl have unnatural feelings for her father that make her jealous of her mother? I have heard of this with a step mother relationship but believe it is also possible with a natural mother.
Yes and no. I think the daughter wants the status of the mother's role (authority and control), so she's competing with her to get it. I mean it's possible that the daughter has unnatural feelings for the father but that woukd be highly unusual.
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Does this kid have weight issues? She could be incredibly jealous of her moms healthy figure?
Ok so here is a simple solution. Next time she damages your property or person, call the police. Get her sent to juvenile court for her actions. Because actions need consequences and she isn't getting those. Oh we yelled an apologized. Oh she faked sorry with dad. Your boys see it and stand up for you at least. Boarding school could really be the answer. When talking back to an adult or traumatizing (which she has done to you and done be surprise you got ptsd from her later) someone in authority seems to be her actions, a boarding school won't take that from her. Although it could be a waste of money if she figures out getting expelled would hurt you financially. She is a child. You are the parent. You let her go play with her friends because you didn't want her to miss her social life. Not good. She has nothing to warrant being better. Empty out her room and give her a bed and give her what you want her to wear each day. Take the phone and lock it to call only dad or 911
Sounds like a psychiatrist who deals in very disturbed kids and teens is in order. I agree that OP needs to be straight and honest, as well as face that she may just need to let the child go. I can understand how awful that must feel, I too would devastated, but this kid is going to escalate. I also agree the family needs to express their dislike and isolate from the daughter in response (but maintain the therapy). No words 😶 to love your child but they somehow turn inhuman nearly.
Three…THREE years! All the therapy but zero improvement. This girl needs to be sectioned for in-depth psychological evaluation. Currently, the sole target seems to be her mom but I’m concerned palming her off to a boarding school could redirect her focus to an alternative female “parental” figure. What are they going to do if her behaviour escalates to assaulting someone at the boarding school? How many schools should she be expelled from before they recognize there’s a serious underlying problem here? There’s so many things that could be causing the behaviour; from hormonal or chemical imbalances, all the way up to psychopathy. I recently read a book “The Psychopath in Me; fascinating read that suggests the brain can be scanned to identify psychopathy and clearly demonstrates that not all clinical psychopaths are axe-wielding murderers. No, I’m not armchair diagnosing, this is merely an extreme example. They need to find out what’s wrong!
Does she have an eating disorder? I only ask because she might be jealous of how petite her mom is in comparison to herself, especially if the teen looks more like her dad than her mom. She is projecting her insecurities onto her mom to make herself feel better. Bet someone told her her mom was pretty but she looks more like her dad.
Teenage girls can turn into asses i did hated my mother but always respected her ,I thought once I would call cop an attitude and calked her a b***h and we got into ascuffle cause I thought "I can take her" Wrong she smacked me good! Boy I never disrepected her again,still was mad and hated her till my 20's when teenage angst had passed and we got real close.I know all the bleeding hearts will be like oh never spank or never touch you kid but sometimes that's what they need a wake up call.Btw it wasnt like we were physical like that but one other time I remember getting the wooden spoon around 7 for something cant remember what.
I would say what I really think the teen needs, but no would be band. I can say that if she was my daughter and she cut my hair, I would have cut her hair. She does it because she continues to get away with it, especially when a therapist tells her parents to apologize to her, that therapist needs their license yanked they are what is wrong with a lot of kids today. Don’t send her to boarding school, send her to a ranch or farm where she has to learn hard and still go to school. She would regret what she is doing real quick if she was my daughter. No mother should be scared of her children!!!!!
I wonder if they have tried birth control? I had/have irregular periods and when I first started at twelve I was literally a PMS monster 24/7. My mom couldn't deal with me so she took me to the doctor and got me on birth control. I ended up severely depressed and suicidal after high school and in my early twenties I was told by my therapist that I'm autistic. My mother refused to ever have me tested for anything as a kid even though I showed all the signs because she felt it was a negative reflection on her as a parent. Mental illness also runs in my family and I have several diagnoses including anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I'm also diagnosed ADHD and bipolar but I'm definitely not bipolar and think those are actually a misdiagnosis for autism. ADHD and mood disorders are commonly misdiagnosed in women who are autistic. I think this girl needs to be very thoroughly evaluated, there is definitely medications that may be able to help, like an antidepressant or mood stabilizer.
Had any one of us four siblings behaved the way this teenage maniac has, our dad would have shown us a new use for his orange heavy-duty extension cord. It simply would not have been tolerated. As odd as it may seem, I can understand the parents' reluctance to go commando on the kid. The way the laws are today, CPS could have a field day with them. Abby has been warned enough about her behavior; it's time to take action. Send her to boarding school, far away. Her father should be the one to enforce this. Sit her down and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that SHE IS GOING TO BOARDING SCHOOL. No discussion will be allowed, no negotiating either. Either it's a boarding school or juvenile hall. Pack her bags, take her to the airport, and see that she gets on the plane. A one-year trial period will give the household a much-needed breather. That will be plenty of time for the adults to structure a course of action when Abby comes home. It's past time for the boundaries to be established an
So where is the dad exactly? My sister tried to pull this with my mom and my dad got in her face, backed her down to tears on the floor, lettering her know that that was his wife and she would be treated with respect or else! The or else? Take away everything, even the flip phone and her bedroom door. She damages your clothes, you get to pick from her closet. She is being abusive and needs to be set straight. Cutting your hair? No friends for a month. Her choice, not yours. The only issue I see, is mom and dad need to grow a backbone, show a united front and really show her what her bad behavior earns, real consequences!
I lost my Mom a few years ago and would do almost anything to have her back. Boarding school is not necessarily punishment or being mean. Sometimes you have to lose something you actually value to recognize that you love it, people included. Boarding school might do that when she discovers that the people in charge of her don’t love her like her mother and can’t be manipulated.
There absolutely is something going on, and the child needs a psychological assessment to figure out what it is. This is just unacceptable.
Call #988 for mental health emergency response (in US) NOT police or 911. I agree hair cutting is assault and you are at safety risk. I would also remove/lock sharps & meds for safety.
This is copied from Reddit. Op is not reading our comments.
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I raised a daughter with behavior disorders (and a son who was very easy going,) and would suggest considering a couple of things BEFORE sending her to boarding school. The first would be a thorough assessment with a PSYCHOLOGIST (therapists are not trained in this,) and consider some brain imaging at one of the Amen clinics. (There are nine of them around the country...) Plus read the book "Change you brain, change your life" by Dr. Amen. Your daughter is not just "a brat" there is something going on...By age 21 my daughter was all together (yes, it took that long, LOL) and is now over 40. She is kind, has empathy in spades and turned out super well...I wish you all much good luck, you will get through this. I have an M.A. in counseling BTW
Kid sounds like a psychopath. Sorry for your situation mom but yeah the kid has to go to be sent away. You can't change the fact that she is messed up in her head but psychopaths can be taught that actions have consequences. If the kid finally has it proven to them that abuse like they have been dishing out results in more than a slap on the wrist, they may finally become a person that is somewhat tolerable to be around. Wish you all the best in this.
Your daughter is mentally unstable. She knows you are afraid of her. She will end up in Belview when she is older. Maybe she is bipolar and or schizophrenic. Something is really wrong with her. Take her to the doctor to have her evaluated. Its only gonna get worse as she gets older. You shouldnt have to move out for peace of mind. Good luck.
It seems like you have a sociopath on your hands. I know people will be all up in arms but we live amongst them and no, they are not like depicted on television and movies. They exhibit exactly the type of F'@#'d up behavior you describe and key is, they don't change when told they hurt feelings and no remorse. The AH here is your therapist. GET A NEW ONE!! One who specializes in abnormal childhood psychosis. Take a moment and step back. . . You are actually considering leaving your home and moving away for years???. Because of your 14 yr olds horrible behavior??? WTF, seriously? She needs a better doctor before she escalates. She is a college textbook abnormal psuch class example. My heart goes out to you, but you need to stay safe. You are not, at this time. If you can't get a proper therapist for her, sending her away, far, far away is an option, but she don't bet on it changing such abusive behavior. She ENJOYS IT.
I CANNOT BELIEVE that I actually read the phrase " DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY"???? SERIOUSLY?????? Cutting off her Mother's Hair, pulling mean spirited "PRANKS"? INTERFERING WITH HER MOTHER'S JOB?? What will it take for her to get a SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION?? BURN DOWN THE FAMILY HOME?? STOP APOLOGIZING AND GET HER INTO A SCHOOL WHERE SHE HAS CONSEQUENCES TO HER HELLISH BEHAVIOR, THREE YEARS OF THIS?? SHE'S IN TOTAL CONTROL OF ALL OF Y'ALL'S LIVES AND LOVING IT.. I PRAY FOR Y'ALL. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. BOARDING SCHOOL BOUND... GOD BLESS Y'ALL.. TRULY.....
Send the little s**t to military school. If that doesn't fix her, nothing will.
This kid knows what she’s doing. Maybe she needs a taste of her own medicine. We had a family member like this. I finally got tired of her behavior and insulted her back. She didn’t insult me anymore. Everyone has flaws. Stand up for yourself and point out a few of your daughter’s flaws every time she points out yours. This should put a stop to her ugly behavior. She needs to see how it feels.
Try some comebacks to her comments. For example: To "Mom, you can see the rolls of cellulite, it's disgusting!" you have 2 choices. 1)"I did put on a lot of useless fat for a while but I thought I got rid of it yet here it is talking to me like a rancid pile of lard with ideas above its station" or 2) "The disgusting blobs tend to shrink the further away you are"
Thought I was insane as this was what I first thought too. My no1 house rule is don't dish it out if you can't take it. I would be 'pranking' straight back, when she gets upset, 'but it's just a joke. I'd keep going till she got the picture. You stop, then I'll stop.
Load More Replies... Horrible therapist, they’re having the parents apologize for yelling at a child that is mentally and physically abusive? Hell no, give a her a small taste of her own medicine by actually radically intervening instead of these half-assed measures. Ground her permanently, let her social life unravel and take all her electronic devices away. Let her feel consequences of her behavior and if it still doesn’t work, send her away. Hell, if I’d done half of this to my mother I would have been kicked out of the house within a month. She doesn’t like you? Fine, then she can live on her own without you or anyone’s support.
My daughter became jealous, and I mean HATEFULLY jealous, of me, at age five. She was always in fierce competition with me. Strangely, she was also always open with me, and turned to me for protection. She told me everything. It was an unsettling split in her personality. Then one morning, at 6-years-old, she told me her father (biological), my then husband, had molested her. I sent him to prison and for years she blamed me for destroying our family. It's still bad, but not as bad as this kid. Forgive me, but I can't help wondering just what happened to this girl, and by whom. Why only her mother? Why comment on her parents marriage? She sees that as a weak spot. But why? I don't trust her father. Perhaps his support is self-serving. Shut the kid up before the truth comes out. Send her away. Hide the evidence. Or, maybe I'm cynical.
I have thought the same. I've had several cases where a girls started acting out at 14 or 15 years, often towards the mom, and there was sexual assault when they were little kids. The budding of their own sexuality brought out the trauma they had stowed away for years... I would definitely check that girl more thoroughly for sexual abuse in the past.
Load More Replies... I just feel like when it comes down to daughter's and mom's it's a self conscious thing. It can be deeper than you know. I know my daughter's was we only found our because she cry to my goddaughter about it. My mom husband sister her godmother her therapist all asked her questions trying to figure out if she been assaulted. She has when she was 6 she pushed it all the way down it was her goddads step son. Her godmom and goddad are not marry. His wife us not who asked her about anything. But I always gave her chances to talk to whoever. When you keep biting your tongue and not saying nothing eventually you snap. These kids always have an excuse ready to defend their actions. My daughter is 21 and if I am around her when she's in a bad mood she goes off on me. I have a 2 year old son and everytime my daughter makes me cry he consoles me and than goes and throw stuff at her. I had to remove myself from her for my mentality and my sons. Her daughter may or may not respect her decision but
I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand. I really do.
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I was your daughter and I am sharing this with you not to scare you or suggest anything like this is happening in your family. I am only trying to give different ecaptions. At 6, my brother, 5yrs older than me, began to sexually abuse me. He threatened to tell if I didnt comply and when I was a kid, females were meant for cooking and cleaning, etc.. and boys were groomed to be the leader, well you get the idea. This abuse went on for 8 yrs. I always thought it was my fault so I lived everyday in fear and shame and told no one. Through all of this, I had become a monster to my mom, much the same as your daughter. It was a child's cry for help and every day she didnt see my pain, I punished her with VERY mean and hurtful actions and words. The first person I had ever told was my husband when I was 21. After years and many counselors, therapists and psychologists, I have found forgiveness and peace within myself to forgive myself. That life-changing phrase, " It wasnt my fault", saved me.
Yes, I feel like she’s attacking the mother for not seeing something.
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My daughter went through a phase like this. Every time she came at me, I spun it and took away her power. She cuts your hair, you thank her. She tells you that you have cellulite, you thank her for pointing it out and say you are excited She feels comfortable to talk to you about the aging body. When that attention tactic didn't work, she started cutting herself. Later, I found out that she had been having lunch with my at-the-time husband and his mistress and his their daughter (her sister)on a frequent basis. They worked at the same place and he pretended like it was a playdate. She wanted MY attention, not his. She wanted ME to see she was in pain and couldn't tell me. She was literally going through hell. I started taking her in long drives where she could be as angry as she wanted. I have her control of the radio and allowed her to play her music as loud as she wanted. We did this for months before either of us could talk. She's better now but that journey was awful.
The last two comments are the most practical to me. I also think she needs to see a psychiatrist. It sound like she's got some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder, perhaps she gas a chemical imbalance. Did something happen to her privately that cause a psychotic break in her where mom is the easiest target. This behavior should have been nip in the bud by both parents but I get how that can be at times. Boarding school could be the answer but it requires many protective factors that get overlooked. How are her grades, physical health, friendships, self worth, goals aspirations....all of these things should be addressed by the parents. Mom should not leave her home. The girl needs to be put in her place as a child and learn to be respectful or else there are major consequences. Lastly, family therapy is a must at this juncture.
I have a lot of tension with my mother because she insists on pretending I'm still a 5 year old little girl. Coming into the middle of something I'm doing and pointing out insultingly obvious things because she thinks I don't know them. Telling me to take a sweater if it's chilly. Using baby talk. Literally calling me her baby. I've reached the point where I feel compelled to snap at her and push her away any time she speaks to me, because she almost always speaks in an infantilizing way. I feel bad about being rude to her, but if I'm pleasant, she takes full advantage of me and gets worse. However, if that's what's going on with OP's daughter, I would have expected a therapist to notice by now that OP is treating her in a way that's inappropriate for her age.
This might be reaching a fair bit, but this is more than seeking independence and teenagers often 'act out' when they need some serious help but don't know how to ask or problem solve and/or are internalising what has/is happening as their fault - it is actually possible the girl was abused when she was 11-12 years (could still be ongoing) and she's either a) blaming the mum for not stopping it (or she did something) or b) taking it her aggression out on her because she feels safe with her
I feel for you, I understand the fear and the guilt. My partner and I went through hell for a long time, my son was diagnosed as Asperger's very early on so we worked hard to make life less confusing for him and put many strategies in place. Early on I felt their was more than just him being on the spectrum, he was cruel, other kids did not want to be around him, and there was his way or no other, he had to always win or the result was pretty nasty. We found quickly that he could not be left alone with any pets, we spend our days by the ph waiting for the call to pick him up, and checking if he was suspended again. I am not sure how to say more with char limit so I will say this, my son is a psychopath, I do not say that lightly. I now suffer PTSD with the fear he will return and carry out his threat to kill us. The last psychiatrist we went to told us he would not ne able to help my son and showed us his arm which was deeply bruised, I was mortified :(
Perhaps changing the therapist and see if there are any changes, if the kid doesnt talk and the parents still suspects something happened with her, otherwise, the kid is a real jerk and need to face real consequences, be isolated until she learns how to respect anyone, it doesnt matter if she does this just with her mother.
Another option would be get the courts involved. Send her to the grandparents for a month or six. Dont sit and allow this, mama.
This is both their child, right? Somehow I get the impression it is husband's daughter and not here, but I guess that would have been mentioned. That said, sorry, but we are just human. There is a limit you can take and to hell with the perfect parenting lawbook, you do the best you are able to without sacrificing yourself! Don't apologize for yelling at her - so wow, you yelled a few times? It is almost like she is saying: sorry I made you act mean. No, the daughter needs to experience the damage she does too you. I don't mean treat her the same way, but let your bottled up anger and resentment out abs have a good old screaming match. Tf with people who judge about that, your limits are grossly overstepped. Fight for your mental health. Maybe that will shock her enough to get to understand the severity of what she does. And then after things have calmed down a bit, have a conversation about how it. Ask her for solutions, and then offer the boarding school as one as well. (Cont...)
Im a big fan of progressive living, but sometimes a good ol kick in the a*s can fix a lot of stupid. Giving her a taste of her own medicine might do her a world of good instead of apologizing for sure.
Load More Replies... So sorry you are going through all of this! It must be hell! I don`t know why your daugher behaves like this, but speaking from my professional experience as a teacher teenagers are testing their limits. I am not sure if you are imposing your boundaries enough. This is so far beyond anything you should have to tolerate, it should be completely out of question. So if I were you: no more explanations, no more making her feel comfortable. Also no yelling, because it is not very effective. But clear words that this is no longer acceptable and very clear boundaries. Funnily, teachers who are strict are not less liked by their students, but get more respect as long as they are also fair. Right now your daughter doesn`t respect you. Maybe think of her as a young wolf. You must make sure that you are the leader of the pack. By the way: A boarding school might be a very good idea. I worked at one and find that the clear rules established help a lot of students. Good luck!
maybe op should just, you know *slap* it'll happen sooner or later anyway if the brats behaving like this to people at her school, all it takes is for her to try that attitude with the wrong person just 1 time
Kid sounds like a complete psychopath. Boarding school my a*s. I'd send her to boot camp. And why TF are the parents apologizing to this abusive bully? I damn near choked my sister unconscious for calling our Mother a c*nt. I'm not advocating physical abuse, but why is this family putting up with this sh*t?
It seems there was only ONE other person in the above comments that lighted onto what I was thinking. This started suddenly right before puberty but they immediately jumped into "it must be an attitude issue" a NOTORIOUS route taken with young girls/women. A sudden shift in boys/men and most parents would say "oh no, is there something wrong? Maybe we should take him to the doctor(md)!" So many overlooked medical problems, so much trauma and resentment, the fact the therapist hasn't recommended a workup... yeesh 🤦♀️
First get a new therapist. This is not jormal behavior and she most likely will find a new target. And dont feel remotely bad for putting her in her place. If yelling is all you do then yeah. I can tell you if my kid cut my hair off ot wouldnt have ended with yelling. That is so out of control. As an ex-chikdcare worker I have seen some seriously disturbing children. Children are not sweet and infallible by default. I saw some serious cruelty from some.kids and parents unwilling to acknowledge it. And to this day 30+ years later I wonder what happened to them and who they injured. Seriously. This sounds like a situation that could easily escalate. Boarding school should maybe be switched out for live in psychological care for a while to first get a proper diagnosis, full time therapy on a multi level platform. Either way I do think the mom needs to worry aboutnher safety and needs to take herself out of harms way.
I had even called the law on my daughter, because she was so out of hand, and I begged them to keep her for a night or two, but they wouldn't, and she had done some things that she could go to Juvenile for. I was at my wits end. She even called her father, and told him and his family lies about me, and I reminded him that they all abandoned her after our divorce, and have only just shown back up in her life. My daughter is now married, and has my granddaughters, and she's a good Momma, but I can't wait for payback when they're teenagers. I'm going to say " Oh really?" " You lied on me when I punished you for that." You need to be the parent, not your daughter's friend, and boarding school may do her some good. Make it a Military one too.
I would never let my child, or any child make me leave my home, that I bought and paid for, or paid the rent for. I'd also tell her therapist that if he wants her to be apologized to, then he could do it, but I was going to get another doctor. Your daughter is out of control, and y'all are just adding to it, by not showing her that her actions have consequences, and some of the consequences she may not like, but she brought it upon herself. I told my daughter that if she didn't like my rules, then once she started paying me rent, she could make her own rules, and she got hysterical and saying that no parent charges their child rent, and I told her there were more parents like that then she knew. I told her how much rent I wanted and when, so she went, and told a bunch of lies about me, but no one believed her, and she moved in with her then sorry boyfriend and his mother. I told hid mother to have fun. She called me 2 weeks later begging me to take my daughter back. I didn't.
My daughter went through the terrible teens, and she learned real quick that I wasn't going to take it. We got therapy, I talked to teachers, other parents, etc... and my daughter hadn't been abused, bullied, or anything. I took away her phone, but I was told that since she was driving now, that I should give her phone back in case she got a flat tire, or something. I took away her phone, her car, and I put her on restriction, and I forbid her from seeing her then boyfriend, because she got really bad when she started dated him, and he got in my face once, and he learned that was the wrong answer. Stop worrying so much about your daughter's dang social life, and how she'll view y'all, because she already has no respect for you, and she doesn't deserve to go out with her friends, and be involved with activities if she can't act like a decent human being herself. Pick a boarding school, and send her there, and don't worry about her feelings, because she doesn't care about yours.
I don't hit or spank my kids, and my 15 year old is a doll. But if you need me to I'll send her over to give your daughter a well deserved beat down. Maybe she'll change her behaviors if she knows she's got someone waiting to give her whatever she gave mom. This is horrifying, poor mom!
Sending a child with destructive behavior like this to a boarding school is a big mistake. She'll make other kids lives a living hell and it won't fix her problems. From experience with my own kiddos and one who had similar behavior this child needs to get a psychiatric assessment, all this screams of an issue that needs looking into. Therapist are not going to be any good because it may be a mental illness starting. If it is she needs correct treatment and care
I can’t stand my kid as well I never thought I’d ever say that How long can you continue to love someone who just will never love you back I cut ties however he’s 25
Boarding school seems to mild send her to a juvenile boot camp, she is being an absolute abusive brat. Let her learn that there are real consequences to her actions better now than later.
Even animals understand the power of shunning when a member of their community becomes abusive. And stop apologizing. Her behavior doesn't merit apologies for your attempts at discipline. She's not an adult. What if she chooses to abuse someone else when she flies the nest? What if she does it to her own child? Get a new therapist if the current one isn't getting results. And yes, sending her to boarding school is not abuse. Actions have consequences and you have the right to be treated kindly.
Since the kid is acting like an adult, she needs to start seeing adult consequences for her behavior. I don’t know about everyone else, but I simply cannot allow someone to live in my house and eat my food and shower with my water while treating me like dog sh*t.
You are her Mom. I would be demanding of the adults in her life, why is this OK? Blowing up only when she cut your hair. I'm sorry, I was a bad kid. I wouldn't dare say ANY or do what she has to you. But therapy isn't helping, Noone is cracking down on her behavior. A school, due diligence to sign your child away, please I spent 27 months as a teen in what Noone let alone kids, go through. School staff when they live there, have power over them, for some it's to much power.
I have a daughter, one of 4 girls. She went from being the happiest child in the world, to insecure, self image issues, social anxiety and I didn't see red flags, I know every kid is unique. But then, a few years later, after her behavior never went back to the smiling happy kid. She came to me and told me about something that had been done to her. She held this secret for years. Self image issues, calling you smelly and fat, no ill will to the men in the family. Something is there. I hope you two can work things out. It's worth every effort to try.
I am a child who grew up many way, to fast. From personal experience, I know that a child who at a phase changes their attitude, and it only gets worse. Honestly I treated my dad's gf after my mom the way she treats you. There is something there. The fact that everyone can see the way she treats you, and somehow shouting is wrong? No it's not nice when a mom or dad yells daily at a child, it can get abusive, but from the sounds of it, she deserves one night back hand. I swear I never disrespected my father again. It seems tolerated, dad yelling a handful of times for years of bad behavior? No she's being allowed to do this, grounding stopped making difference to me as well, I didn't care. But I buried my mom already. I had issues. I don't know how else to put it, you need to go back in your mind, the first out burst that ever came out, what was happening? New sports coach, new friends, friends that the relationship ended suddenly, there is something there. Think. It's there.
I am a mother of 5,I am the child of a mom who passed away when I was 11 yrs old. My father and his new wife sent me to a behavior modification program. Run on the island of Jamaica. Jan 01 to may 03. My father did not do any due diligence in his choice. He believed the pamphlet that showed kids at the beach having fun. I remember the First letter I got, a month after I got there. I laughed when he asked if I had my own room looking at the ocean, ha! The room slept 14. If you choose a place for her to get her issues worked out or to just remove her from n rhe equation, abuse runs rampant in these types of school. The power is in whoever their told to listen to every moment, every day. The program I went to has locations all over, in my time Samoa, Costa Rica, Mexico, Jamaica, to the Midwest where its based out of. WWWASP, You really need to put in the time and research if your going to sign away your guardianship rights to a complete stranger. If you tour, ask to speak to students
Sometimes you can't be nice. It's not wrong to yell if someone cuts your hair off. That's assault. They should have called the cops. Have her sit in jail for a while.
I almost laughed out loud when I saw that they've tried taking away her allowance. My parents could never punish me by doing that because they didn't give me an allowance. Why are they giving her an allowance in the first place? Why do any parents give their kids free money? My dad let me borrow his lawnmower so I could work for money when I was a kid. Also, why are they grounding her? Isn't having their daughter at home more often the opposite of what they want? My parents never grounded me, and when I asked my dad why, he said it was because they would be punishing themselves.
In the old days you took out the belt and grounded them for a month. Us old-timers would not put up with that. Teenagers need to work during summer vacation and need to have daily chores to prepare them to be self sufficient kids today are over rates they have no respect.
I fear for the OP’s safety. It is not unheard of, particularly in the US, for teenagers to target and kill one or both parents. My take is that daughter is in early stages of psychosis and it will progress w/o treatment. A boarding school w/o treatment may exacerbate the problem. That said I’d also have her cko by physician and gynecologist as her symptoms seem to be coincident with puberty.
Most reasons for bad behavior is for attention but this is negative attention. I would get a football or hockey pads and helmet and wear this whenever you are with your daughter, wear headphones, earphones. Tell your daughter you need to protect yourself from her physically and emotionally. Tell her this is what you will wear whenever you are together, at school church sporting event. You will stop when you feel safe from her abuse. Yes, it’s dramatic but allowing her to disrupt the entire family is not acceptable behavior. Don’t back down, ignore her all the time, let your husband do the parenting but don’t let her push you out of the house or send her away.
Send her away, even if she gets unhappy with the idea. Don't move out and make yourself, your husband and your son suffer instead.
I can relate to your situation because I was the same way with my mom when I was her age and now that's a lot older, I look back at that time and I learned from it. Your daughter is going through a time where she's starting to change and once she gets through it, she'll get past it. I know it's not easy for you, but if you have to take some kind of action, go for it. She'll come to you in a few years and she'll apologize for everything she put you through and things should be alot better between you two.
I don’t have kids so I don’t have a horse in this race, but that story is terrifying. Sorry, that kid is a monster - a true demon seed. Guess I’d get in her face at this point, look her straight in the eye and just say calmly, “You are a hateful little b***h, now aren’t you? Any particular reason why you act so nasty?” Maybe that will shock her that she didn’t get and upset reaction like she craves. You can’t let her control your lives. That’s what she wants. Chaos and disruption. She feeds on it. Teenage energy vampire. Tell her you love her as your daughter, but don’t like the person she’s becoming. She needs Lowood School in England where Jane Eyre went.
One word, well two words...h*** NO. No kid that I'm feeding, clothing, etc would EVER be allowed to treat me this way in my own home. She sounds like a classic bully, only she's figured out it's much more fun to bully mom, who obviously will not fight back or stick to any type of appropriate punishment, than it is to bully some kid at school who just might give her the punishment bullies deserve. The mom is worried about her having friends and a social life, I wonder if her friends treat THEIR moms this way? Do they have a little Mean Girls club going on, or does she talk/brag about the things she does to her mom to look like a bad a** to her friends? SOMEONE would be leaving the house, and it would NOT be me.
I'm probably going to get some flak for this, but what is it with you yanks and bloody therapy. It clearly isn't working, this woman is in therapy for herself, couples, family and her daughter is also in therapy and its not making it better. Do you guys ever think that maybe you go to too much therapy?
Your "therapist" sounds like a nitwit. Get a new one, please! She's playing the long game of bleeding you dry without offering ANY viable solutions.
SoI am a licensed clinical social work and this behavior is extreme. One of the biggest issues we have today I'd coddling our children. They are children who need love and understanding but what are you teaching her if you continue to allow her to treat anyone this way. I would never suggested my parent client apologize for yelling. Sometimes situations with our kids warrent that. This child's behavior is extreme and goes way past normal obnoxious teen behavior. I think we confuse disciplin and punishment. Disciplining our kids is okay/ needed. The goal is to show our kids that for every action there is a consequence. Either a good or a bad response. It's up to them to chose the outcome they want. If they chose the negative well so be it. This can be anything from you will not out with friends until there is a long period of improved behavior. Her social life will survive. This child has been somehow made to believe that her life, feelings and emotions are more important than mom's.
I'm wondering if the mother did something that violated the daughter's trust badly. The fact that she is only cruel to her mom causes me to suspect she has something against her that she does not want to voice. Also, she has targeted her mom's work. Based on the child's age and when I'm reading this, the child may have seen COVID lockdowns as a time for them to bond, but the mother basically shut her out. Which might explain the targeting. As a mom who is has had to face leaving my child behind for their welfare while I dealt with an emergency, I know it isn't an easy decision for a loving mother who wants to be a part of my child's life. The OP is willing to move out to get away from the child, or send the child away from her. Which says to me that she knows the unvoiced reason why the teen is acting out. Rather than openly confront the reason, she would rather escape and have her privacy. All in all, the OP is not a victim here. The teen is a product of her parenting choices.
I come from a latin family, if I would have ever done anything like this I would have been slapped on my mouth no more than 5 seconds later. She probably has an alpha personality and women are usually meaner with words than men. Hold your ground, don't apologize and teach her some respect the old way. It's better to be teached by a parent slap, than a life slap not many people recover from those.
So when exactly did they become the parents and the parents the children? Good job people this is the result when you fail to tell everyone get up the kool-aid. When you failed to backhand your kid for speaking when grown folks are talking, for not putting the fear of God in them. Now it's I gotta be they friend to be able to what's happening in their life. Theropy? Theropy is for the weak. My generation and their generation and their generation. We don't have that problem with our kids. Problem we got is we're dealing with your mistakes (another whole situation that is going to end bad but is going to be necessary) I don't even feel bad for the woman, unlike every one's option or advice. I know how to at least start letting the wound physically and mentally begin to heal. But I'd be sticking my nose where it don't belong. I don't wish no one ill unfortunately this a lost cause. Some things can't be fixed once they broken.
Get a new therapist. Apologize for yelling at your kid. Sounds like there isn't enough yelling or getting on her for her bullying
Why does the therapist yes man a child so much? Why is it all the mother's fault and she should be forced to apologize for her daughter MUTILATING her? If someone destroyed the therapist's clothes and cut their hair off for no reason I'm SURE they would apologize to their tormenter /s. A four year learns to be kind so a fourteen year old should know better. I actually hope this story isn't true.
The fact mom is small built and daughter is calling her fat when daughter is not small built can be daughter not being happy with her own body. That she is latching out since mom has a different built than hers. You do have this image out here in the world. Good luck
She shouldn't go to bordering school, she needs to be in the military. She'll learn real fast to not f**k with people.
She needs to send her to boarding school. I wish I didn't listen to none of my family and sent my daughter to boarding school. She did that and more to me. It got worse she started throwing stuff at me. Cutting her face out of all my pictures on my wall saying she don't want to have her face in the picture with someone looking like me. It started during puberty. Kids do attack moms, we do put it with more and blame ourselves. If I told my daughter she couldn't go nowhere she would call the cops on me and tell them I threaten her with a knife. The cops would just suggest that she go somewhere to another family members house. So I sent her to my mom's. Oneday my niece who my mom raised decided to record my daughter talking on the phone with a friend on how she lied to the cops and said I try to stab her. With my job I work with child protection and I can lose my job. Thank God my niece recorded her saying that I was able to show child protection and my supervisor.
Her shrink sucks. What an awful girl, and mums a wallflower letting her get away with it. Send her away. She needs a proper reality check.
Going out on a limb here. (Have kids and grandkids who still talk to me so not totally ignorant,) Seems like all the examples you gave revolve around your appearance. Maybe, in her eyes, you’re attractive and she isn’t. In her eyes only, of course. Sounds like massive insecurity about looks. Eleven onward is certainly the age for it. Without seeing you, I’m going to guess you are pretty. Maybe check into how she views her own level of attractiveness. See if you can have a female friend or relative in her late teens or twenties scope this out while shopping or something. She sounds massively angry and unhappy. My fear with sending her away is that she would develop an eating disorder because her problem goes with her.
Honestly, I wonder if something traumatic happened to the girl. Why is she focused on her mother? We are just getting the mother's side just as the therapist seems to be getting just the daughter's side. Ideally a family therapist should talk to each family member separately & then bring them all in together.
Your daughter is punking you. Stop f*****g being so nice to her. I would treat her exactly how she treats you and see how she likes it. When she is asleep, go cut her hair. And tell her it’s a prank, you pranked me and thought it was funny so I’m doing the same back. Have the whole family laugh at her. She needs to get the same treatment to understand , some people do not feel for other ppl until they are treated the same way. You being nice or considering her feelings and even considering to move out is ridiculous. She is spoiled rotten. There are kids who have awful parents and are traumatized and guess what? They still end up making it in this world. You giving her equal treatment or just backhanding her when she speaks to you like that would do wonders. And who cares if she ends up thinking your a bad mom. She will be fine, she’s receiving no punishment for her actions. I cannot believe you apologized for yelling. Your too nice and she sees it as weakness. Stop. Send her away
In my book cutting someone's hair like that deserves death at most, a shaven head at the least. Sorry. This little b***h should be removed from the family. Now. The mom shouldn't have to move. Abuse plain and simple. The child against the adult, so it's not seen as abuse.
Wow, this resonates so much with me. My son is a loving, helpful, respectful young man who cares about everyone.... except his mother. She has a brain tumor which affects her speech and vision but is in no way cognitively impaired. but he treats her like she's an idiot. He tries to control her by making decisions or plans without telling her and then blames her for "forgetting". I love my son but I was so glad to see him move out. When he does visit I strictly monitor their interactions and stop the conversation if he starts talking down to his mother. Any plans have to be made via text or email to both of us or it didn't happen.
Here's my take: the quickest way to change the daughter's behavior is by changing the way you react to her. Let's imagine the daughter's perspective. She's in a world that's superficial and dominated by social media, where it seems like everyone is either explicitly or implicitly calling girls ugly for the most minor imperfections. This is around the age that strangers will start to objectify her as a young woman. The comment about how her mother will have no one after the father dies, seems to me more an expression of this girl's own fears that if she's old and unattractive, no one will love her. How is she supposed to react to the hostile world out there? It's helpful if one's parents can model a healthy response. Treat your child like you would someone else who's insulted you: don't let the insult destroy your self-image, and express your anger without stopping to her level. It takes practice but I think she is waiting for the mother to stand up for herself.
I can't help but wonder of outside influences...does your daughters social circle act this way towards their parents/parent? Is there ANY chance she's been introduced to illegal drugs and or alcohol? I'm absolutely not suggesting your daughter has or will engage in this behavior however as a mother of a 25year old son and a 13 year old son in my home with such a change in personality the first thing I would have done is take her to her primary care physician (not therapist of any kind....personal choice) and express my concerns ask for a complete CBC (blood testing) and drug panel. Not only illegal drugs but pharmaceutical as well as she may be experimenting with a friend's medication that could be causing the behavior change. I find it odd that no one has even brought this up. The world we live in today most teens are on prescribed meds which is just legalized drugs and if taken without a physicians oversight can be devastating on the development of anyone. Good luck
As a mother who has had to endure this exact situation, my suggestion is to take her to a different Therapist/Psychiatrist/Psychologist. When I did this for my daughter it was discovered that she has borderline personality disorder. I was the only person that had to deal with her bad behavior, insulting comments, and in our case physical violence. I along with my daughter learned how to handle her anger and issues. I learned how to set boundaries in order for her to feel like she was being included in the process. Yes I’ve had to call the police, yes I did at one point have her committed for 5 days for an evaluation. It has been a very long road. I am happy to say that now 10 years later we no longer have as many outbursts of anger, rage, or insults. I am truly sorry that you are going through this time. Stick by your daughter. Seek out different options for you and her. Good luck with your future.
I'd be livid, it seems like this family is walking on eggshells. FFS, she needs to be yelled at and ostracized from the family when she pulls this c**p. They should literally leave the room, all of them. The message is, you behave like that, you'll be alone. My mom had such bad mental illness that I moved out at age 15 but I honestly couldn't live there anymore, I was horrible and.she was just plain nuts. Stop treating her like a child. I'd be like, "F you, Abby. I'll 'prank' you by cutting your damned throat if you keep this sh-t up. You want to play prank eachothe? You're a lazy judgemental piece of s**t without a single marketable skill, you're so worthless your can't be a human being to your own mother. You think sports are gonna pay the bills? Ha! Oh it was just a joke. You can GTFO if you hate me so bad." That said, only one of my daughters knows what it's like to be slapped, the other one is kinda disrespectful and a sh-ttier person for being disciplined less her whole life.
I'm 35 and I have 5 children the older 3 are teenagers 16,15, and 13. Two girls and a boy. Now they all can get attitudes believe me when I say this because I was there with my parents at that age I did a bunch of bull c**p but my dad only took it for a little while until he filed and unruly petition against me and I went to juvenile for a week, that was the worst thing I'd ever been through and at first I felt like my parents didn't love me but after my dad came and got me it was then that I was truly sorry for the things that I had done and I loved them more for teaching me that hard love!!! My children know my back story, so they tend to push a little but not too much because I love them and want them to be respectful responsible people I will not hesitate the consequences of their actions if they were to treat me this way. I'm sorry that you are going through this but you have got to stand up and say no more to this behavior! Your putting up with it and that is why she continues...
How you have not punched that rotten obnoxious little brat right in the face I have no idea! Trauma my a*s! She's just a jealous ugly on the inside person who has gotten away with murder. It's about time someone in your house got some balls and a spine and remove her from YOUR house!
WOWWWWWWW!!!!! I may get some downvotes for this but I'm going to say it...I would've popped that kid in the mouth if it was me, cause I'd be damned if I'm gonna let my kid make me feel like I should move out of my home where she pays no bills. But also if it was me I would have corrected the issue on day 1 and it wouldn't have turned into 3 year on-going issue. And before you start screaming ABUSE, disciplining your child isn't abuse. My daughter has tried me about 5 times during her journey to adulthood and I corrected it right there and then and she is very respectful adult and we have a great relationship. I understand that children may lash out on the person that they are closet to, but this is just plain disrespect and needs to be nipped in the bud.
I'm not a professional, but based on what I know, this could be borderline personality disorder, psychopathy, or narcissism. But any way you slice it, this girl sounds deeply disturbed. My initial reaction was to think that she needs a beating, in order to teach her some respect, but I see now that the issues here seem to go far too deep for that. I think boarding school is necessary for OP's wellbeing, but it looks to me like the family needs to take that time, and the peace and stability it will afford them, and plan their next move. Good luck.
Friends did that with their son. They'd also reached the end of their rope and had tried everything else. It changed him and totally for the better. In later years he thanked them. He said he knew he was out of control and even he didn't understand why, but he couldn't manage to stop himself. Boarding school taught him self-respect, respect for others, self-motivation, self-discipline, and accepting responsibility. I think your husband is wise in considering this and I think you should do it.
Next time she yells "I wish you'd just f**k off!" Do it. Don't even talk or acknowledge her. Pick up your keys and leave. If you know it's coming then pack a bag in the car all ready. Go to a hotel or a friend's, or parents. Hubby can come too. Show her just how rubbish life is without you. No food, no one cleaning, no one doing laundry...
You need a different psychiatrist. It sounds like yours is teaching you to enable your daughter. She needs to be evaluated for mental health issues. It sounds like she is fulfilling a desire to be cruel and testing her ability to do so and get away with it on you. She seems to have no empathy for you. If it is a mental health issue boarding school won't help. It may even exacerbate it. I would start telling her each time she says or does something to hurt you that you love her but her behavior right now makes it hard to like her and you refusevto be around her. Send her to her room for the rest of the day, no TV, phone, music or computer. When she discovers that she won't be allowed to ruin the rest of your day and has nothing to do but read and pout in her room, she may come around. I would still look fo for another psychiatrist. If you were very ill and the dr couldn't figure out what was wrong with you or prescribe medication that made you better, you would try another doctor.
You don't have to yell at your children, just lay the law down. Patents are not friends or peers, we are leaders and letting children be our equals is not right. I love my children but I am a parent not friend.
My daughter struggled greatly with making harsh comments, observations. We would discuss it and eventually she became more aware of the impact of her words. It happened though because I was the closest person to her, often times we take things out, stress, on the person we love the most. I'm not sure if that applies in your situation though. She also had a deep seeded fear of losing me, through death. I'm curious if any event happened just prior to her starting. Big family loss, could even be a pet, someone very sick, even a friend. As far as therapy, it only helps if she is willing to participate. Mine didn't start opening up until she was ready. There are also various conditions that require more behavioral therapy than medication. The medication can't help. Such as borderline personality disorder. I hope the choices you make together improve your situation.
Apologizing to her for your actions after you lost your temper because of her s**t should NOT happen. She’s the one that needs to apologize. Not you. And I would be finding a new therapist. Because this one is more than a bit useless
1) Parents get on the same page - exact same 2) Stop explaining yourself to your kid in any way. Sit down and TELL her what the boundaries, limits and expectations are and what will happen if they are or are not met. Then be done and never discuss it again. 3) stop parenting out of fear - make consequences uncomfortable for her and do not half measure because you think she needs social outlets. BS! 4) Poor behavior means no privileges, good behavior means privileges 5) DO NOT ENGAGE. Look up black/gray/yellow rock. Every time you allow her to engage in conversation, she is going to find a way to trigger you. Don't talk to her. Walk away. You are simply feeding the beast - she is simply taking your power. 6) Do not get mad or react, just do what you said you would do. 6) Your therapist sucks. Find a different one.
Sorry but OP needs a new therapist as they seem to be indulging this girls behaviour. Why should they apologize for yelling at her when she makes nasty comments? Bording School sounds perfect. Its just not fair for this woman to be treated this way.
You're so much nicer than I am! I think she's being cruel to you because she knows she CAN! Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she cut my hair, I would have cut hers. She ruins your things? Ruin hers! She doesn't seem to have an OUNCE of empathy for you. When my son was 3, he bit me so hard he drew blood. I bit his little a*s right back! He learned how it felt to hurt someone, and never did it again. Obviously, the kind route doesn't work with her. A little tough love is in order!
I think you might be sending her mix signals and you all need to practice some tough love & don't be afraid to give her tough punishments. If you move out, she WINS and she will never respect you! You & hubby need to sit down and put together a list of non-respectful & unacceptable behavior. Include your expectations & that privileges must be earned. Share this with her & say it has gone on for too long. Let her know she has, let's say, 6 weeks to straighten up or it is off to military school, not boarding school. If she straightens up & becomes disrespectful again, then immediately send her. Put all of this in writing, like a contract, and have everyone sign it. Make sure to stress that jokes and kidding are supposed to be funny, not mean spirited towards someone & enough is enough. Lay it out like a contract & have everyone sign it. While talking with her be tough & try not yell or get frustrated. Be matter of fact and make it known that you are 110% serious. Good luck!
That's an extremely inept psychologist/therapist. Many mental illness diagnoses are not made until after the person is 18, but anyone worth their salts should be able to identify some seriously dangerous tendencies. I doubt a boarding school would take her; the parents need to dump this nightmare kid off at an institution and drive far far away. She will absolutely 100% commit violent crimes against people (if she hasn't already) and will end up in prison.
I had a friend who moved out of town because his kid was having issues and the change of environment and friends really did wonders for him. My sisters (foster/adopted) were troubled as youths and the one that got sent away actually did better in the end, the one kept at home is still abusing substances and never learned to live independently. I always wonder what would have happened if my parents had been more firm with the latter, or moved to a different town to get them both a fresh start. I don't have any kind of meaningful relationship with either anymore, sadly, but I'm glad the older one has her life together at least. It's worth trying the boarding school if it's a good one.
Hello? When you're cruel, abusive, & hateful people usually don't like you. They'll retaliate, withdraw, & will not want you around. I'm relieved OP's in therapy, but this sounds like there's too much talking & not enough doing. The daughter behaves this way because she's allowed to w/o real consequences & is likely more antisocial elsewhere - OP just isn't privy to it. Get another psychologist!
Teenagers are truly strange being.. While it is stated that the daughter is only mean to her mother now, who knows if she will react the same to others much later. I'm afraid that sending her to boarding school or military school is better for her to learn discipline and rules, but at the same time she would also learn to hide her mean behaviour better... There will be others that could the next target, like teachers, her peers, her juniors, someone unrelated altogether. Although I was not officially diagnosed, I have difficulty to connect with my family too. This usually result in me leaving home and rarely contact each other. I had the same feeling for some of my past classmate, which the only I did is ignored them.(I am getting better now btw). What that child need is not just discipline, but also awareness that she is making her family hate her. And one day soon, she will lost them if she didn't fix her self.
I would find her another psychiatrist/therapist. This one isn't doing her or OP any good. This has gone beyond the "joke" or "prank" stage. This is clearly abuse. She's old enough to know it. She likely loves the attention she's getting from it too. And consequences don't seem to bother her much. There's definitely some psychological problem this girl has and this family needs to get to the bottom if it. Perhaps OP didn't put a stop to this early enough. Boarding school might get her out of the house, for some piece and quiet, but if she has a psych problem it won't help that. When she pulls that c**p on kids in a boarding school, she's in for a big surprise.
Love you need a new therapist! That therapist needs therapy herself! There is entirely no reason or need for either one of you to apologize for yelling at (excuse my language) a demon child terrorizing you like that. That's giving her the ok to do it again. They'll yell the apologize to me for yelling at my bad behavior! Make it make sense! FIRE your therapist and find another one!!
All that counselling and the only tool is to hide?! - new therapists needed asap!
Her behaviors should be corrected. Let me share how my mother would have handled this: Create a rock bottom. As an authority figure and adult , you are the sole owner of everything she owns. So strip it all down. I'm talking clothes, shoes, bed, phone, decorations, door off hinges, every single little thing that is in that girl's possession, take it away. If she doesn't appreciate you and the things you do for her, let her see what not having you and your kindness feels like. Bring her down to the most basic level of living (5 of the same outfits in the same color, 1 pair of shoes, air mattress, 1 lamp, 1 pillow, and a comfortable blanket, monitored computer time (as in, she can only use the computer in front of you for 1 hour).You have tried going about this as kindly and gently as possible, but it's time for her to earn your respect, not the other way around. Once she changes thosebehaviors start letting her earn her stuff back. Continue therapy because she needs other coping skills.
This is EXACTLY what the hell happens when you're not allowed to BEAT SOME A*S!!! We all here under the perspective that beating a*s traumatizes kids and blah blah blah, but look at what has happened in the world. I have a 9 year old niece that doesn't listen to a thing anyone says...she legits just says "Ill do what I want, and if you lay a hand on me...you'll never see me again, AND you'll go to jail", and it pisses me the F**K off cause it's us damn millennials fault for making that happen. Us millennials are still SOOOOOO butt hurt that WE got spanked, that we created monsters for crotch goblins. Why crime is so high, why more and more kids act out, and why we have c**p to pick from leader wise...cause we aren't allowed as a species to do what we're built to do, AND BEAT A*S!!! And don't give me this whole "Spanking traumatizes children" spiel....I was literally locked in closets, laid down in glass, and all kinds of other stuff that I'm NOT recommending, and I graduated with honor
I have an excellent career, and I have a DEEP sense of respect...so NO, it doesn't HAVE to affect a child. I was abused in every sense of the word, and I'm FINE. So beat some damn a*s, show the b***h whose f*****g boss, and quit being so god damn F*****G sensitive about EVERYTHING. Every generation is just getting softer, weaker, and more explosive...and it's because of parents are happy, then yeah...everything's great...but now PARENTS aren't in power, the kids are....and I thought we all agreed that if your brain isn't fully developed...you don't get no power.
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She needs to be taken by her shoulders and steered out of the house, then sit an empty suitcase on the porch next to her. When she asks What is This? Tell her she is moving out..to a better place. Tell her they'll be here in about 10 mins, wait for them. I've signed all the forms. Then just stand there and hawk over her. Every car passing will add to the tension that she is out of the house. Look into Boarding schools but don't go with the best one. Print out info on problem kids, fat camps and other "not-so-great" places. Fold them and pretend to browse them so she sees. Then put them up and act like she wasn't watching. Curiosity will draw her to them. She'll sneak a peek and be shocked. Write in the margins just whatever pops into your head? Cost, mileage, repeat offenses ,food costs but strike it out and go with 70% of that? Will she be medicated nightly? Meds will be in her food and drink. Re-education program levels required? Agree with that. Dorm room locked at night? Yes.
Bars on windows? Yes def!! Cellphone allowance earned on behavior and not more than 20mins per day unless calling home, dialed by staff and placed in a talk box. A plexiglass box that is locked and cannot be dialed out while locked in box. Just whatever you can think of. Set up hidden cameras in your house, the kitchen, your office and living room. Places that will record where she treats/speaks to you poorly. Get that all recorded. Don't let her find the cameras bc she will destroy them. Buy a cheap camera at Wallmart and bring it home. Crush the box in the garbage and write or label the camera on it somewhere, Camera #9... if you really only have 3? Don't let her know that. Watch her manners change? On a weekend go for a drive. Just you, your husband and her. Drive around a couple boarding school areas. You and your husband agree to one " That's the place, right?. Yep"... then drive home and get on the computer to look up that place. She will snap right up. Or she'll go insane ??
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"Spare the rod spoil the child." Spank that child,teach her respect and keep her off Twitter and other social media. And stop being such a ninny.
"Spare the rod spoil the child." Spank that spoiled brat. Stop being such a ninny
Send her to boarding school, and before you leave the house for the airport put her over your knees and beat some manners into her.
Send her to boarding school, and before you leave the house for the airport, put her over your knee and smack the s**t out of her.
I am 64 yrs old, and, when I was her age, if I had ever spoken to either of my parents like this, or disrespected another adult, I would have gotten my tail beat - dad used his belt, mom preferred the wooden spoon! You didn't speak to ANY ADULT LIKE THAT - I DON'T CARE HOW BAD I WAS FEELING OR WHAT SOMEONE HAD SAID TO ME! This behavior needs to be CALLED OUT and addressed IMMEDIATELY AS IT HAPPENS! She needs to understand that there are consequences for her behavior - cutting your hair and damaging your personal belongings are ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE, and she needs SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES! GROUNDING HER, TAKING HER PHONE, AND "ASKING HER TO STOP" obviously is NOT WORKING! When she speaks to you in that disrespectful manor, immediately address it, stating that it will NOT BE TOLERATED! If she continues to act out, let her know that you are actually considering sending her to boarding school because of the behavior. It might stop it. If not, say goodbye and send her!!
I have a strange feeling about this. Why did the daughter start abusing her mother? At first I thought the father might have influenced her that way. But that does not seam do. Then I thought maybe he was abusing her. Then the therapist. I would definitely try a different therapist first. It just does not make sense to me. If everything is what it seams, then boarding school is a good solution though.
She chose to have a daughter, she deals with the consequences. She did not have to bring another unconsenting life into this world.
This is crazy!!! I grow up knowing that if I acted in any way horrible to my parents, I would get the c**p beat out of me. And I mean that!!!! I would say I'm sorry, but if she was my child she would have stopped along time ago because I would have given her the belt. For some people, talking is great. But once u let your child walk on u, they most likely will always do it.
Too much kindness. Way too much. She would be sleeping in a mattress in her room with no door and no sports and no phone and no not more than five sets of clothes and would have to slowly earn back all of it. A week with good behavior. Congratulations you get an outfit back. Two weeks. Hey look you actually get to have 30 minutes with your phone. We did this with my teen daughter and the difference was astronomical. Did it hurt. You bet. And she was more mad the first week but quickly realized we meant busines. It was hard to watch her suffer but damn worth it in the long run. Y’all are way too nice for me.
Lol The fact that you might send your child to boarding school because you can't "deal with her" is all I needed to hear. You are the a*****e you don't care about the child. And you suck. You are the adult if she calls you names get the f**k over it. You are the one that sounds like they need to go to etiquette schoool.
She's literally cutting her mom's hair with scissors, burning clothes IN THE HOUSE, and has attempted to POISION HER? what do you mean "get over it"?
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Personally, the daughter's psychiatrist doesn't sound very good if he/she is telling the parents to apologize to the daughter for yelling at her. She should be apologizing to them and learning coping mechanisms on how to better communicate with her mother. Send her to boarding school.
Spin this around. Take the words and actions of the teenager, and give them to the mother. Every single person would be screaming 'ABUSE' and rightly so. At 14 years of age, this teenager knows the difference between 'It's just a joke', and the c**p she is pulling. She is abusing her mother, and her mother needs to be protected from her.
That happened to us….my sister treated our mom worse than I did. She mouthed off to mom one morning so mom smacked her leg with an old spoon. The head of the spoon broke off and caught her in the face giving her a tiny bruise on her face. A teacher overheard the conversation and called DYFS. They showed up at our house….my mom had my sister’s bag packed. She told the DYFS lady, “You wanna investigate child abuse, screw that! This is PARENTAL abuse! Im not living with this monster anymore, shes all yours! Here’s al her c**p - she’s in her room, down the hall on the left!” The DYFS lady talked to my sister for an hour and left - never to be heard from again. To this day (30 years later) my sister still refuses to say what they talked about - claims she “doesnt remember”…….yeah right! Whatever that lady said caused her to do a complete 180 in a week’s time!
Load More Replies... Sounds like she is acting this way because she has learned there are zero consequences, and it gives her power. When the poster loses her temper with her, she is the one apologizing, she takes away the phone as punishment, but just giver her an older model to use instead, she grounds her then gives in because she doesn't want her to miss out on a social life. The kid clearly has issues, but with no boundaries or consequence , why would she change her behaviour
Agreed. They act like its their fault if the girl misses out on a social life, when in fact its the girls own fault by her behaviour. The parents are WAY to soft on her, worrying about hurting her feelings. They need to come down HARD every single time she makes a comment like that
Load More Replies... "Yelled at her a few times" psh. Shut that shït down! When you have a dog who wants to go after another dog when you're on a walk, you don't wait until he starts going nuts trying to get there. Your dog isn't allowed to *look* at the other dog. The behavior correction starts at the *beginning*. Likewise, the moment this teenager opens her mouth to be rude, *everybody else* gets up and walks tf out of the room. Every time. Full rejection. "Your attitude is toxic, and I don't want any of it to get on me. Your words are cruel, and I will not stand for you to talk to someone I love in that manner. Your behavior is vile, and I will not give you the opportunity to infringe it upon myself and others." What she's learned so far is that she can be a jerk 25 times and the cost is being yelled at once.
Sorry mom, Your worrying about hurting her feelings has encouraged this behavior. SHE wants YOU gone. If you move out she wins. Be the ADULT put your foot down, she is acting like a AZZ and there are no real excuses. Your punishments are not effective ( she has learned to hold out for a bit and you will cave). Ship he off, inform her that her behavior is not going to be tolerated and until she learns respect - she is not welcome in the FAMILY home. When she is in the house - she is to be in HER room ONLY - no interaction with anyone. And I also think your "shrink" is a failure. Sorry hugging a child while they gleefully stab you in the back is NOT healthy.
I had some issues with my stepdaughter when she was in her teens. It didn't matter what approach I used. Eventually, I started staying late at work, the gym, stores. I wasn't afraid of her, just tired of the situation. After about a week of not coming home that much, my husband told his daughter to get tf out! I had no idea he would do that, and let me tell you, she was shocked too. Her brother backed his father when my stepdaughter's mother protested about the change in living arrangements. Stepdaughter was eventually diagnosed with ODD and adhd (inattentive). ODD is a nightmare but I digress. I think OP should let her husband take over the situation. There is some sort of invented competition with the dad going on here. He's got to reject the attempted hijack of the mother's position in the family. Sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. If you're still in doubt, watch a nature show or two. If mom is having trouble, the threat of being eaten by dad works.
I found out that my stepdaughter once told my husband to choose between me and her. As many fights as we had I would never have asked my husband that, but then again I was the adult. He explained to her that she would always be his daughter but it was unfair of her to ask him to get rid of his wife while she continued on with her life and was allowed to have a love life of her own, but not him. I guess it struck home with her because she never asked him again. She doesn’t know the real reason her parents divorced was her mother having an affair with her husband’s best friend. She still thinks it was his relationship with me and we met a year after they divorced.
Load More Replies... I have been in this situation. Whilst a different therapist might help, this is a version of what I did. Set up a meeting with you, hubby & daughter. Explain that the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated going forward. She has 2 choices, to modify her behaviour (have a basic list ready) or to go to boarding school. Emphasise that you love her, however the family home is for everyone to be safe and happy, and that is not how it's is. If she agrees to stay she has to sign the paper. If not then it's school. She has to make the decision. Best of luck X
Having read through this post and all included comments I feel like everything has been said. A good friend of mine is a therapist who specialized in counseling teenagers and their parents. From conversations with him I learned that our brain isn't fully developed until we're 25. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala, which is the emotional part. HOWEVER...in this particular case I really feel for the mom and the family. I think there are 2 options: they either change the daughter's psychiatrist to have her re-evaluated to check if medication could be beneficial for her, or they send her to boarding school...
As a parent, I'd clap back at her, hard. She cuts my ponytail, I cut hers. She makes a crappy comment, I come back with a crappier comment. No apology. "Dad is going to leave you". "Oh yeah? What for you? You think he wants an incestuous relationship with a fat 14 year old? He sure as F wouldn't find another woman that would put up with you." Keep it up, brat, I got a million of them. Rotten milk in my moisturizer? I'd pour it on her face. The kid is doing it because you let her. She hates you because you're weak. My kid was mouthing off one day and my husband heard it and lost his mind, came in and explained everything I do for her and how he wouldn't, full volume. Lot less of that happened after. United front with a vengeance.
Load More Replies... OP should watch some episodes of supernanny, where there are a bit older kids. It seems like they're afraid of being firm and giving consequences in the face of this behavior. Like go to your room, immediately and every single time, if you can't behave in a socially acceptable way. And if she doesn't respect mum then dad needs to enforce it, and refuse to engage with the daughter following such incidents.
Not tryina be a smartasss but your post reminded me of Eric Cartman being straightened out by Cesar Millan !
Load More Replies... Get another therapist, the one you have is useless. Right now, your daughter is the dominant figure in the household and everyone tiptoes around her, trying to “model good behavior”. She’s no different from a tantruming toddler who isn’t being properly parented. You are the mother and you need to be in charge. Find a therapist who supports you in this.
I think the missing piece from what is shared, the daughter does not fear her mother. She bullies her because she can. Sometimes the passivity can grind on a person's nerve and push the boundaries until they go too far with the victim. Even the tone of the moms post was passive. Her daughter probably wants her to push back but doesn't have the emotional intelligence to say why and what. I was a mouthy teen and I went to extremes depending on the parents. I judged my mom because she was fat and I thought she lacked self discipline so I treated her a certain way. None of it was right and I LOVE my parents like nothing else in this world today at almost 50. But as a teen I pushed buttons because guess what I could until I poked the bear 1 time too many. My butt learned that day for sure. This is a mom/daughter problem. The dad needs to support mom BUT mom needs to buck up. Leaving the house again shows that the daughter wins that should not be the message.
Load More Replies... Listen, every teenager goes through a phase where they hate their parents. I did too. It’s basically the initial foray into independence and moving away from being a dependent child, which may be difficult to deal with, but is totally normal, and the vast majority turn out just fine. But that majority generally limit it to sometimes being ornery, talking back, having a look on their faces like a slapped a*s, and trash talking their parents when they’re around their friends. It’s usually very short-lived, and they’re over it and redirecting that energy toward high school and eventually college. Cutting off the pony tail—-while her mother was on a Zoom meeting with her boss, ffs—-would’ve been the last straw for me. I would’ve excused myself from the meeting, logged off, and been grabbing and cutting off hers, to both shock her out of it and give her a taste of her own medicine. I can take a lot from people, but everyone has their breaking point, and trying to humiliate me in front of my boss and coworkers, when I can’t immediately respond, would be that point. Sometimes you just have to speak a bully’s own language to get through to them. The therapist is absolutely dead wrong with telling the parents to apologize for yelling. Do they also tell the daughter she too has to apologize for her nasty actions? Probably not, so f**k that s**t. Daughter needs to know that people outside her family don’t love her and aren’t going to put up with her nasty behavior—-and if she treats the wrong people like s**t, getting yelled at will be the minimum consequence she’ll pay for it. Let her try pulling stunts like that on her boss, her spouse, her friends, when she’s an adult and no one is making any excuses for her and treating her with kid gloves. If she’s smart, she’ll wake up to herself and stop it, hopefully before she ends up in prison for pulling a prank that went deadly wrong, or in a box for pushing someone to an extreme limit and they push back hard and permanently. Yes. I’d be changing therapists for one who can get to the root of her behavior, then work on helping her, and the rest of the family, confront it, deal with it, and develop the strength to get through it, stop reacting negatively to it, not let it ruin their otherwise solid loving bond, and to continue moving forward in life.
Just a tiny disagreement: not every teenager tends to hate the parents on one point. But I think my youngest brother and I totally overslept the park off being a teenager... . (Fe only few pimples, no escapades, no hormone driven actions or sayings, no partying alcohol or drugs... We just skipped it and I add the oldest has always been very mature.)
Load More Replies... Yelling would be the LAST thing this child would have to worry about if she were mine. The first time she said something hurtful, harmful or disrespectful she would've been smacked across the room!!! This is why there are so many people that think they can say whatever to whomever and yell victim when someone whoops their a*s! A backhand to the mouth at 12 would've solved this issue smh
Yes and no. I mean yeah, this behavior deserves a beating, but there's clearly something going on here that is too severe, and too deeply rooted, to be solved that way. Girl needs help, and her shrink isn't providing it.
Load More Replies... If my daughter even dared, she would have wished she hadn't. I'm gonna peeve people and all but, as a minority looking in, we see this behavior in movies and TV and always comment, "white people". Maybe these aren't even white BUT coming hard like it is. It is constantly reoccurring that the kids speak very rudely with the parents and it gets brushed off as normal, typical teenager. Maybe not in real life but it is highly depicted in movies/shows. I know minorities get the joke of a chancla, branch, a*s whooping, etc. I'm not talking about literal physical abuse BUT, that attitude would be heavily implicated on giving consequences etc. If her psychiatrist claims it isn't something specific then it's just a brat being allowed to be a brat. UNLESS the mother treats the daughter like that... I would much more seriously handle with the words coming out of my mouth. Good people do not treat people that way. I would remind my daughter endlessly the sort of c**p human she is being.
I understand if I am being discriminatory, racist etc. I get that. I don't think all white people. Just oddly depicted in movie/TV and as a minority and my experience... We just all express, "white people" when we see such off behavior between parents and kids. I am SURE there are stereotypes you've witnessed and well, giving an insight of a "colored " households perspective on this. We really have serious discussions on why the kid would be allowed to act like such a d**k.
Load More Replies... OP says there is no abuse in the home, but it is, absolutely, abuse. She is suffering PTSD, and apologizing for yelling simply minimizes this seriously dangerous and traumatizing behavior. at this point. Absolutely send the daughter to boarding school - as mentioned above, it may be the opportunity she needs to grow up. “Only a joke” is an excuse bullies use. And find a new psychiatrist who is willing to go into this further. It may be that she needs to do this in an extended period away from the family, to see that they are serious about this behavior needing to stop, and also having the freedom to go into it away from friends, family,, etc. Sending her for complete psychiatric evaluation in a hospital, may be one way to do this, as she is clearly a danger to others - even if it seems to be only one other person at this point.
"we've tried a whole bunch of nothing and now we're out of ideas" is what I read. Maybe this is harsh but mom is being a doormat. Dad is being vacant. This girl needs a swift kick in the a*s. Assault, menacing, harassment to say a few of the things she could be arrested for. Cutting moms hair was beyond a line. Too many therapists. I'm all about progressive and modern solutions but sometimes a good a*s kicking solves a lot of problems. I don't mean physically hitting her but some serious consequences need to happen. You stopped grounding her because you were worried about her social life? She cant be social being a psychopath. Ops boundaries are in the wind. The husband is in la la Land. Everyone in this story sounds so out of touch with reality.
Grounding her to where she is away from her friends may sound great, electronics taken away which all has been done, but this will give her more time to think and plan how to torture her Mom a lot more. Verbal and physical abuse is not the answer. Who knows maybe a knife is next. If the young teen snuck up behind her mother while she was working and cut off part of her pony tail with scissors what is next a knife, broken glass ? Get her a**e out of the house. Maybe to another relative, if the same thing happens then right to boarding school. Have her disappear from her house because apparently she does not respect it or the people in it. She may be just pushing Mom to the edge but it is affecting the whole house hold. Do something before somebody breaks and lands up in the news.
Load More Replies... Idk why but I feel like something is missing here . I think the OP should check her daughter's background, school life , friends etc again cause something feels off. Teens just don't become extremely aggressive and say "it was a joke" .
I agree, but the weird part here is the kid redirects all aggression to the mum, so if it comes from trauma/mental issues, it's extremely specific
Load More Replies... Could this girl have unnatural feelings for her father that make her jealous of her mother? I have heard of this with a step mother relationship but believe it is also possible with a natural mother.
Yes and no. I think the daughter wants the status of the mother's role (authority and control), so she's competing with her to get it. I mean it's possible that the daughter has unnatural feelings for the father but that woukd be highly unusual.
Load More Replies... Does this kid have weight issues? She could be incredibly jealous of her moms healthy figure?
Ok so here is a simple solution. Next time she damages your property or person, call the police. Get her sent to juvenile court for her actions. Because actions need consequences and she isn't getting those. Oh we yelled an apologized. Oh she faked sorry with dad. Your boys see it and stand up for you at least. Boarding school could really be the answer. When talking back to an adult or traumatizing (which she has done to you and done be surprise you got ptsd from her later) someone in authority seems to be her actions, a boarding school won't take that from her. Although it could be a waste of money if she figures out getting expelled would hurt you financially. She is a child. You are the parent. You let her go play with her friends because you didn't want her to miss her social life. Not good. She has nothing to warrant being better. Empty out her room and give her a bed and give her what you want her to wear each day. Take the phone and lock it to call only dad or 911
Sounds like a psychiatrist who deals in very disturbed kids and teens is in order. I agree that OP needs to be straight and honest, as well as face that she may just need to let the child go. I can understand how awful that must feel, I too would devastated, but this kid is going to escalate. I also agree the family needs to express their dislike and isolate from the daughter in response (but maintain the therapy). No words 😶 to love your child but they somehow turn inhuman nearly.
Three…THREE years! All the therapy but zero improvement. This girl needs to be sectioned for in-depth psychological evaluation. Currently, the sole target seems to be her mom but I’m concerned palming her off to a boarding school could redirect her focus to an alternative female “parental” figure. What are they going to do if her behaviour escalates to assaulting someone at the boarding school? How many schools should she be expelled from before they recognize there’s a serious underlying problem here? There’s so many things that could be causing the behaviour; from hormonal or chemical imbalances, all the way up to psychopathy. I recently read a book “The Psychopath in Me; fascinating read that suggests the brain can be scanned to identify psychopathy and clearly demonstrates that not all clinical psychopaths are axe-wielding murderers. No, I’m not armchair diagnosing, this is merely an extreme example. They need to find out what’s wrong!
Does she have an eating disorder? I only ask because she might be jealous of how petite her mom is in comparison to herself, especially if the teen looks more like her dad than her mom. She is projecting her insecurities onto her mom to make herself feel better. Bet someone told her her mom was pretty but she looks more like her dad.
Teenage girls can turn into asses i did hated my mother but always respected her ,I thought once I would call cop an attitude and calked her a b***h and we got into ascuffle cause I thought "I can take her" Wrong she smacked me good! Boy I never disrepected her again,still was mad and hated her till my 20's when teenage angst had passed and we got real close.I know all the bleeding hearts will be like oh never spank or never touch you kid but sometimes that's what they need a wake up call.Btw it wasnt like we were physical like that but one other time I remember getting the wooden spoon around 7 for something cant remember what.
I would say what I really think the teen needs, but no would be band. I can say that if she was my daughter and she cut my hair, I would have cut her hair. She does it because she continues to get away with it, especially when a therapist tells her parents to apologize to her, that therapist needs their license yanked they are what is wrong with a lot of kids today. Don’t send her to boarding school, send her to a ranch or farm where she has to learn hard and still go to school. She would regret what she is doing real quick if she was my daughter. No mother should be scared of her children!!!!!
I wonder if they have tried birth control? I had/have irregular periods and when I first started at twelve I was literally a PMS monster 24/7. My mom couldn't deal with me so she took me to the doctor and got me on birth control. I ended up severely depressed and suicidal after high school and in my early twenties I was told by my therapist that I'm autistic. My mother refused to ever have me tested for anything as a kid even though I showed all the signs because she felt it was a negative reflection on her as a parent. Mental illness also runs in my family and I have several diagnoses including anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I'm also diagnosed ADHD and bipolar but I'm definitely not bipolar and think those are actually a misdiagnosis for autism. ADHD and mood disorders are commonly misdiagnosed in women who are autistic. I think this girl needs to be very thoroughly evaluated, there is definitely medications that may be able to help, like an antidepressant or mood stabilizer.
Had any one of us four siblings behaved the way this teenage maniac has, our dad would have shown us a new use for his orange heavy-duty extension cord. It simply would not have been tolerated. As odd as it may seem, I can understand the parents' reluctance to go commando on the kid. The way the laws are today, CPS could have a field day with them. Abby has been warned enough about her behavior; it's time to take action. Send her to boarding school, far away. Her father should be the one to enforce this. Sit her down and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that SHE IS GOING TO BOARDING SCHOOL. No discussion will be allowed, no negotiating either. Either it's a boarding school or juvenile hall. Pack her bags, take her to the airport, and see that she gets on the plane. A one-year trial period will give the household a much-needed breather. That will be plenty of time for the adults to structure a course of action when Abby comes home. It's past time for the boundaries to be established an
So where is the dad exactly? My sister tried to pull this with my mom and my dad got in her face, backed her down to tears on the floor, lettering her know that that was his wife and she would be treated with respect or else! The or else? Take away everything, even the flip phone and her bedroom door. She damages your clothes, you get to pick from her closet. She is being abusive and needs to be set straight. Cutting your hair? No friends for a month. Her choice, not yours. The only issue I see, is mom and dad need to grow a backbone, show a united front and really show her what her bad behavior earns, real consequences!
I lost my Mom a few years ago and would do almost anything to have her back. Boarding school is not necessarily punishment or being mean. Sometimes you have to lose something you actually value to recognize that you love it, people included. Boarding school might do that when she discovers that the people in charge of her don’t love her like her mother and can’t be manipulated.
There absolutely is something going on, and the child needs a psychological assessment to figure out what it is. This is just unacceptable.
Call #988 for mental health emergency response (in US) NOT police or 911. I agree hair cutting is assault and you are at safety risk. I would also remove/lock sharps & meds for safety.
This is copied from Reddit. Op is not reading our comments.
Load More Replies... I raised a daughter with behavior disorders (and a son who was very easy going,) and would suggest considering a couple of things BEFORE sending her to boarding school. The first would be a thorough assessment with a PSYCHOLOGIST (therapists are not trained in this,) and consider some brain imaging at one of the Amen clinics. (There are nine of them around the country...) Plus read the book "Change you brain, change your life" by Dr. Amen. Your daughter is not just "a brat" there is something going on...By age 21 my daughter was all together (yes, it took that long, LOL) and is now over 40. She is kind, has empathy in spades and turned out super well...I wish you all much good luck, you will get through this. I have an M.A. in counseling BTW
Kid sounds like a psychopath. Sorry for your situation mom but yeah the kid has to go to be sent away. You can't change the fact that she is messed up in her head but psychopaths can be taught that actions have consequences. If the kid finally has it proven to them that abuse like they have been dishing out results in more than a slap on the wrist, they may finally become a person that is somewhat tolerable to be around. Wish you all the best in this.
Your daughter is mentally unstable. She knows you are afraid of her. She will end up in Belview when she is older. Maybe she is bipolar and or schizophrenic. Something is really wrong with her. Take her to the doctor to have her evaluated. Its only gonna get worse as she gets older. You shouldnt have to move out for peace of mind. Good luck.
It seems like you have a sociopath on your hands. I know people will be all up in arms but we live amongst them and no, they are not like depicted on television and movies. They exhibit exactly the type of F'@#'d up behavior you describe and key is, they don't change when told they hurt feelings and no remorse. The AH here is your therapist. GET A NEW ONE!! One who specializes in abnormal childhood psychosis. Take a moment and step back. . . You are actually considering leaving your home and moving away for years???. Because of your 14 yr olds horrible behavior??? WTF, seriously? She needs a better doctor before she escalates. She is a college textbook abnormal psuch class example. My heart goes out to you, but you need to stay safe. You are not, at this time. If you can't get a proper therapist for her, sending her away, far, far away is an option, but she don't bet on it changing such abusive behavior. She ENJOYS IT.
I CANNOT BELIEVE that I actually read the phrase " DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY"???? SERIOUSLY?????? Cutting off her Mother's Hair, pulling mean spirited "PRANKS"? INTERFERING WITH HER MOTHER'S JOB?? What will it take for her to get a SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH EVALUATION?? BURN DOWN THE FAMILY HOME?? STOP APOLOGIZING AND GET HER INTO A SCHOOL WHERE SHE HAS CONSEQUENCES TO HER HELLISH BEHAVIOR, THREE YEARS OF THIS?? SHE'S IN TOTAL CONTROL OF ALL OF Y'ALL'S LIVES AND LOVING IT.. I PRAY FOR Y'ALL. GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES. BOARDING SCHOOL BOUND... GOD BLESS Y'ALL.. TRULY.....
Send the little s**t to military school. If that doesn't fix her, nothing will.
This kid knows what she’s doing. Maybe she needs a taste of her own medicine. We had a family member like this. I finally got tired of her behavior and insulted her back. She didn’t insult me anymore. Everyone has flaws. Stand up for yourself and point out a few of your daughter’s flaws every time she points out yours. This should put a stop to her ugly behavior. She needs to see how it feels.
Try some comebacks to her comments. For example: To "Mom, you can see the rolls of cellulite, it's disgusting!" you have 2 choices. 1)"I did put on a lot of useless fat for a while but I thought I got rid of it yet here it is talking to me like a rancid pile of lard with ideas above its station" or 2) "The disgusting blobs tend to shrink the further away you are"
Thought I was insane as this was what I first thought too. My no1 house rule is don't dish it out if you can't take it. I would be 'pranking' straight back, when she gets upset, 'but it's just a joke. I'd keep going till she got the picture. You stop, then I'll stop.
Load More Replies... Horrible therapist, they’re having the parents apologize for yelling at a child that is mentally and physically abusive? Hell no, give a her a small taste of her own medicine by actually radically intervening instead of these half-assed measures. Ground her permanently, let her social life unravel and take all her electronic devices away. Let her feel consequences of her behavior and if it still doesn’t work, send her away. Hell, if I’d done half of this to my mother I would have been kicked out of the house within a month. She doesn’t like you? Fine, then she can live on her own without you or anyone’s support.
My daughter became jealous, and I mean HATEFULLY jealous, of me, at age five. She was always in fierce competition with me. Strangely, she was also always open with me, and turned to me for protection. She told me everything. It was an unsettling split in her personality. Then one morning, at 6-years-old, she told me her father (biological), my then husband, had molested her. I sent him to prison and for years she blamed me for destroying our family. It's still bad, but not as bad as this kid. Forgive me, but I can't help wondering just what happened to this girl, and by whom. Why only her mother? Why comment on her parents marriage? She sees that as a weak spot. But why? I don't trust her father. Perhaps his support is self-serving. Shut the kid up before the truth comes out. Send her away. Hide the evidence. Or, maybe I'm cynical.
I have thought the same. I've had several cases where a girls started acting out at 14 or 15 years, often towards the mom, and there was sexual assault when they were little kids. The budding of their own sexuality brought out the trauma they had stowed away for years... I would definitely check that girl more thoroughly for sexual abuse in the past.
Load More Replies... I just feel like when it comes down to daughter's and mom's it's a self conscious thing. It can be deeper than you know. I know my daughter's was we only found our because she cry to my goddaughter about it. My mom husband sister her godmother her therapist all asked her questions trying to figure out if she been assaulted. She has when she was 6 she pushed it all the way down it was her goddads step son. Her godmom and goddad are not marry. His wife us not who asked her about anything. But I always gave her chances to talk to whoever. When you keep biting your tongue and not saying nothing eventually you snap. These kids always have an excuse ready to defend their actions. My daughter is 21 and if I am around her when she's in a bad mood she goes off on me. I have a 2 year old son and everytime my daughter makes me cry he consoles me and than goes and throw stuff at her. I had to remove myself from her for my mentality and my sons. Her daughter may or may not respect her decision but
I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand. I really do.
Load More Replies... I was your daughter and I am sharing this with you not to scare you or suggest anything like this is happening in your family. I am only trying to give different ecaptions. At 6, my brother, 5yrs older than me, began to sexually abuse me. He threatened to tell if I didnt comply and when I was a kid, females were meant for cooking and cleaning, etc.. and boys were groomed to be the leader, well you get the idea. This abuse went on for 8 yrs. I always thought it was my fault so I lived everyday in fear and shame and told no one. Through all of this, I had become a monster to my mom, much the same as your daughter. It was a child's cry for help and every day she didnt see my pain, I punished her with VERY mean and hurtful actions and words. The first person I had ever told was my husband when I was 21. After years and many counselors, therapists and psychologists, I have found forgiveness and peace within myself to forgive myself. That life-changing phrase, " It wasnt my fault", saved me.
Yes, I feel like she’s attacking the mother for not seeing something.
Load More Replies... My daughter went through a phase like this. Every time she came at me, I spun it and took away her power. She cuts your hair, you thank her. She tells you that you have cellulite, you thank her for pointing it out and say you are excited She feels comfortable to talk to you about the aging body. When that attention tactic didn't work, she started cutting herself. Later, I found out that she had been having lunch with my at-the-time husband and his mistress and his their daughter (her sister)on a frequent basis. They worked at the same place and he pretended like it was a playdate. She wanted MY attention, not his. She wanted ME to see she was in pain and couldn't tell me. She was literally going through hell. I started taking her in long drives where she could be as angry as she wanted. I have her control of the radio and allowed her to play her music as loud as she wanted. We did this for months before either of us could talk. She's better now but that journey was awful.
The last two comments are the most practical to me. I also think she needs to see a psychiatrist. It sound like she's got some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder, perhaps she gas a chemical imbalance. Did something happen to her privately that cause a psychotic break in her where mom is the easiest target. This behavior should have been nip in the bud by both parents but I get how that can be at times. Boarding school could be the answer but it requires many protective factors that get overlooked. How are her grades, physical health, friendships, self worth, goals aspirations....all of these things should be addressed by the parents. Mom should not leave her home. The girl needs to be put in her place as a child and learn to be respectful or else there are major consequences. Lastly, family therapy is a must at this juncture.
I have a lot of tension with my mother because she insists on pretending I'm still a 5 year old little girl. Coming into the middle of something I'm doing and pointing out insultingly obvious things because she thinks I don't know them. Telling me to take a sweater if it's chilly. Using baby talk. Literally calling me her baby. I've reached the point where I feel compelled to snap at her and push her away any time she speaks to me, because she almost always speaks in an infantilizing way. I feel bad about being rude to her, but if I'm pleasant, she takes full advantage of me and gets worse. However, if that's what's going on with OP's daughter, I would have expected a therapist to notice by now that OP is treating her in a way that's inappropriate for her age.
This might be reaching a fair bit, but this is more than seeking independence and teenagers often 'act out' when they need some serious help but don't know how to ask or problem solve and/or are internalising what has/is happening as their fault - it is actually possible the girl was abused when she was 11-12 years (could still be ongoing) and she's either a) blaming the mum for not stopping it (or she did something) or b) taking it her aggression out on her because she feels safe with her
I feel for you, I understand the fear and the guilt. My partner and I went through hell for a long time, my son was diagnosed as Asperger's very early on so we worked hard to make life less confusing for him and put many strategies in place. Early on I felt their was more than just him being on the spectrum, he was cruel, other kids did not want to be around him, and there was his way or no other, he had to always win or the result was pretty nasty. We found quickly that he could not be left alone with any pets, we spend our days by the ph waiting for the call to pick him up, and checking if he was suspended again. I am not sure how to say more with char limit so I will say this, my son is a psychopath, I do not say that lightly. I now suffer PTSD with the fear he will return and carry out his threat to kill us. The last psychiatrist we went to told us he would not ne able to help my son and showed us his arm which was deeply bruised, I was mortified :(
Perhaps changing the therapist and see if there are any changes, if the kid doesnt talk and the parents still suspects something happened with her, otherwise, the kid is a real jerk and need to face real consequences, be isolated until she learns how to respect anyone, it doesnt matter if she does this just with her mother.
Another option would be get the courts involved. Send her to the grandparents for a month or six. Dont sit and allow this, mama.
This is both their child, right? Somehow I get the impression it is husband's daughter and not here, but I guess that would have been mentioned. That said, sorry, but we are just human. There is a limit you can take and to hell with the perfect parenting lawbook, you do the best you are able to without sacrificing yourself! Don't apologize for yelling at her - so wow, you yelled a few times? It is almost like she is saying: sorry I made you act mean. No, the daughter needs to experience the damage she does too you. I don't mean treat her the same way, but let your bottled up anger and resentment out abs have a good old screaming match. Tf with people who judge about that, your limits are grossly overstepped. Fight for your mental health. Maybe that will shock her enough to get to understand the severity of what she does. And then after things have calmed down a bit, have a conversation about how it. Ask her for solutions, and then offer the boarding school as one as well. (Cont...)
Im a big fan of progressive living, but sometimes a good ol kick in the a*s can fix a lot of stupid. Giving her a taste of her own medicine might do her a world of good instead of apologizing for sure.
Load More Replies... So sorry you are going through all of this! It must be hell! I don`t know why your daugher behaves like this, but speaking from my professional experience as a teacher teenagers are testing their limits. I am not sure if you are imposing your boundaries enough. This is so far beyond anything you should have to tolerate, it should be completely out of question. So if I were you: no more explanations, no more making her feel comfortable. Also no yelling, because it is not very effective. But clear words that this is no longer acceptable and very clear boundaries. Funnily, teachers who are strict are not less liked by their students, but get more respect as long as they are also fair. Right now your daughter doesn`t respect you. Maybe think of her as a young wolf. You must make sure that you are the leader of the pack. By the way: A boarding school might be a very good idea. I worked at one and find that the clear rules established help a lot of students. Good luck!
maybe op should just, you know *slap* it'll happen sooner or later anyway if the brats behaving like this to people at her school, all it takes is for her to try that attitude with the wrong person just 1 time
Kid sounds like a complete psychopath. Boarding school my a*s. I'd send her to boot camp. And why TF are the parents apologizing to this abusive bully? I damn near choked my sister unconscious for calling our Mother a c*nt. I'm not advocating physical abuse, but why is this family putting up with this sh*t?
It seems there was only ONE other person in the above comments that lighted onto what I was thinking. This started suddenly right before puberty but they immediately jumped into "it must be an attitude issue" a NOTORIOUS route taken with young girls/women. A sudden shift in boys/men and most parents would say "oh no, is there something wrong? Maybe we should take him to the doctor(md)!" So many overlooked medical problems, so much trauma and resentment, the fact the therapist hasn't recommended a workup... yeesh 🤦♀️
First get a new therapist. This is not jormal behavior and she most likely will find a new target. And dont feel remotely bad for putting her in her place. If yelling is all you do then yeah. I can tell you if my kid cut my hair off ot wouldnt have ended with yelling. That is so out of control. As an ex-chikdcare worker I have seen some seriously disturbing children. Children are not sweet and infallible by default. I saw some serious cruelty from some.kids and parents unwilling to acknowledge it. And to this day 30+ years later I wonder what happened to them and who they injured. Seriously. This sounds like a situation that could easily escalate. Boarding school should maybe be switched out for live in psychological care for a while to first get a proper diagnosis, full time therapy on a multi level platform. Either way I do think the mom needs to worry aboutnher safety and needs to take herself out of harms way.
I had even called the law on my daughter, because she was so out of hand, and I begged them to keep her for a night or two, but they wouldn't, and she had done some things that she could go to Juvenile for. I was at my wits end. She even called her father, and told him and his family lies about me, and I reminded him that they all abandoned her after our divorce, and have only just shown back up in her life. My daughter is now married, and has my granddaughters, and she's a good Momma, but I can't wait for payback when they're teenagers. I'm going to say " Oh really?" " You lied on me when I punished you for that." You need to be the parent, not your daughter's friend, and boarding school may do her some good. Make it a Military one too.
I would never let my child, or any child make me leave my home, that I bought and paid for, or paid the rent for. I'd also tell her therapist that if he wants her to be apologized to, then he could do it, but I was going to get another doctor. Your daughter is out of control, and y'all are just adding to it, by not showing her that her actions have consequences, and some of the consequences she may not like, but she brought it upon herself. I told my daughter that if she didn't like my rules, then once she started paying me rent, she could make her own rules, and she got hysterical and saying that no parent charges their child rent, and I told her there were more parents like that then she knew. I told her how much rent I wanted and when, so she went, and told a bunch of lies about me, but no one believed her, and she moved in with her then sorry boyfriend and his mother. I told hid mother to have fun. She called me 2 weeks later begging me to take my daughter back. I didn't.
My daughter went through the terrible teens, and she learned real quick that I wasn't going to take it. We got therapy, I talked to teachers, other parents, etc... and my daughter hadn't been abused, bullied, or anything. I took away her phone, but I was told that since she was driving now, that I should give her phone back in case she got a flat tire, or something. I took away her phone, her car, and I put her on restriction, and I forbid her from seeing her then boyfriend, because she got really bad when she started dated him, and he got in my face once, and he learned that was the wrong answer. Stop worrying so much about your daughter's dang social life, and how she'll view y'all, because she already has no respect for you, and she doesn't deserve to go out with her friends, and be involved with activities if she can't act like a decent human being herself. Pick a boarding school, and send her there, and don't worry about her feelings, because she doesn't care about yours.
I don't hit or spank my kids, and my 15 year old is a doll. But if you need me to I'll send her over to give your daughter a well deserved beat down. Maybe she'll change her behaviors if she knows she's got someone waiting to give her whatever she gave mom. This is horrifying, poor mom!
Sending a child with destructive behavior like this to a boarding school is a big mistake. She'll make other kids lives a living hell and it won't fix her problems. From experience with my own kiddos and one who had similar behavior this child needs to get a psychiatric assessment, all this screams of an issue that needs looking into. Therapist are not going to be any good because it may be a mental illness starting. If it is she needs correct treatment and care
I can’t stand my kid as well I never thought I’d ever say that How long can you continue to love someone who just will never love you back I cut ties however he’s 25
Boarding school seems to mild send her to a juvenile boot camp, she is being an absolute abusive brat. Let her learn that there are real consequences to her actions better now than later.
Even animals understand the power of shunning when a member of their community becomes abusive. And stop apologizing. Her behavior doesn't merit apologies for your attempts at discipline. She's not an adult. What if she chooses to abuse someone else when she flies the nest? What if she does it to her own child? Get a new therapist if the current one isn't getting results. And yes, sending her to boarding school is not abuse. Actions have consequences and you have the right to be treated kindly.
Since the kid is acting like an adult, she needs to start seeing adult consequences for her behavior. I don’t know about everyone else, but I simply cannot allow someone to live in my house and eat my food and shower with my water while treating me like dog sh*t.
You are her Mom. I would be demanding of the adults in her life, why is this OK? Blowing up only when she cut your hair. I'm sorry, I was a bad kid. I wouldn't dare say ANY or do what she has to you. But therapy isn't helping, Noone is cracking down on her behavior. A school, due diligence to sign your child away, please I spent 27 months as a teen in what Noone let alone kids, go through. School staff when they live there, have power over them, for some it's to much power.
I have a daughter, one of 4 girls. She went from being the happiest child in the world, to insecure, self image issues, social anxiety and I didn't see red flags, I know every kid is unique. But then, a few years later, after her behavior never went back to the smiling happy kid. She came to me and told me about something that had been done to her. She held this secret for years. Self image issues, calling you smelly and fat, no ill will to the men in the family. Something is there. I hope you two can work things out. It's worth every effort to try.
I am a child who grew up many way, to fast. From personal experience, I know that a child who at a phase changes their attitude, and it only gets worse. Honestly I treated my dad's gf after my mom the way she treats you. There is something there. The fact that everyone can see the way she treats you, and somehow shouting is wrong? No it's not nice when a mom or dad yells daily at a child, it can get abusive, but from the sounds of it, she deserves one night back hand. I swear I never disrespected my father again. It seems tolerated, dad yelling a handful of times for years of bad behavior? No she's being allowed to do this, grounding stopped making difference to me as well, I didn't care. But I buried my mom already. I had issues. I don't know how else to put it, you need to go back in your mind, the first out burst that ever came out, what was happening? New sports coach, new friends, friends that the relationship ended suddenly, there is something there. Think. It's there.
I am a mother of 5,I am the child of a mom who passed away when I was 11 yrs old. My father and his new wife sent me to a behavior modification program. Run on the island of Jamaica. Jan 01 to may 03. My father did not do any due diligence in his choice. He believed the pamphlet that showed kids at the beach having fun. I remember the First letter I got, a month after I got there. I laughed when he asked if I had my own room looking at the ocean, ha! The room slept 14. If you choose a place for her to get her issues worked out or to just remove her from n rhe equation, abuse runs rampant in these types of school. The power is in whoever their told to listen to every moment, every day. The program I went to has locations all over, in my time Samoa, Costa Rica, Mexico, Jamaica, to the Midwest where its based out of. WWWASP, You really need to put in the time and research if your going to sign away your guardianship rights to a complete stranger. If you tour, ask to speak to students
Sometimes you can't be nice. It's not wrong to yell if someone cuts your hair off. That's assault. They should have called the cops. Have her sit in jail for a while.
I almost laughed out loud when I saw that they've tried taking away her allowance. My parents could never punish me by doing that because they didn't give me an allowance. Why are they giving her an allowance in the first place? Why do any parents give their kids free money? My dad let me borrow his lawnmower so I could work for money when I was a kid. Also, why are they grounding her? Isn't having their daughter at home more often the opposite of what they want? My parents never grounded me, and when I asked my dad why, he said it was because they would be punishing themselves.
In the old days you took out the belt and grounded them for a month. Us old-timers would not put up with that. Teenagers need to work during summer vacation and need to have daily chores to prepare them to be self sufficient kids today are over rates they have no respect.
I fear for the OP’s safety. It is not unheard of, particularly in the US, for teenagers to target and kill one or both parents. My take is that daughter is in early stages of psychosis and it will progress w/o treatment. A boarding school w/o treatment may exacerbate the problem. That said I’d also have her cko by physician and gynecologist as her symptoms seem to be coincident with puberty.
Most reasons for bad behavior is for attention but this is negative attention. I would get a football or hockey pads and helmet and wear this whenever you are with your daughter, wear headphones, earphones. Tell your daughter you need to protect yourself from her physically and emotionally. Tell her this is what you will wear whenever you are together, at school church sporting event. You will stop when you feel safe from her abuse. Yes, it’s dramatic but allowing her to disrupt the entire family is not acceptable behavior. Don’t back down, ignore her all the time, let your husband do the parenting but don’t let her push you out of the house or send her away.
Send her away, even if she gets unhappy with the idea. Don't move out and make yourself, your husband and your son suffer instead.
I can relate to your situation because I was the same way with my mom when I was her age and now that's a lot older, I look back at that time and I learned from it. Your daughter is going through a time where she's starting to change and once she gets through it, she'll get past it. I know it's not easy for you, but if you have to take some kind of action, go for it. She'll come to you in a few years and she'll apologize for everything she put you through and things should be alot better between you two.
I don’t have kids so I don’t have a horse in this race, but that story is terrifying. Sorry, that kid is a monster - a true demon seed. Guess I’d get in her face at this point, look her straight in the eye and just say calmly, “You are a hateful little b***h, now aren’t you? Any particular reason why you act so nasty?” Maybe that will shock her that she didn’t get and upset reaction like she craves. You can’t let her control your lives. That’s what she wants. Chaos and disruption. She feeds on it. Teenage energy vampire. Tell her you love her as your daughter, but don’t like the person she’s becoming. She needs Lowood School in England where Jane Eyre went.
One word, well two words...h*** NO. No kid that I'm feeding, clothing, etc would EVER be allowed to treat me this way in my own home. She sounds like a classic bully, only she's figured out it's much more fun to bully mom, who obviously will not fight back or stick to any type of appropriate punishment, than it is to bully some kid at school who just might give her the punishment bullies deserve. The mom is worried about her having friends and a social life, I wonder if her friends treat THEIR moms this way? Do they have a little Mean Girls club going on, or does she talk/brag about the things she does to her mom to look like a bad a** to her friends? SOMEONE would be leaving the house, and it would NOT be me.
I'm probably going to get some flak for this, but what is it with you yanks and bloody therapy. It clearly isn't working, this woman is in therapy for herself, couples, family and her daughter is also in therapy and its not making it better. Do you guys ever think that maybe you go to too much therapy?
Your "therapist" sounds like a nitwit. Get a new one, please! She's playing the long game of bleeding you dry without offering ANY viable solutions.
SoI am a licensed clinical social work and this behavior is extreme. One of the biggest issues we have today I'd coddling our children. They are children who need love and understanding but what are you teaching her if you continue to allow her to treat anyone this way. I would never suggested my parent client apologize for yelling. Sometimes situations with our kids warrent that. This child's behavior is extreme and goes way past normal obnoxious teen behavior. I think we confuse disciplin and punishment. Disciplining our kids is okay/ needed. The goal is to show our kids that for every action there is a consequence. Either a good or a bad response. It's up to them to chose the outcome they want. If they chose the negative well so be it. This can be anything from you will not out with friends until there is a long period of improved behavior. Her social life will survive. This child has been somehow made to believe that her life, feelings and emotions are more important than mom's.
I'm wondering if the mother did something that violated the daughter's trust badly. The fact that she is only cruel to her mom causes me to suspect she has something against her that she does not want to voice. Also, she has targeted her mom's work. Based on the child's age and when I'm reading this, the child may have seen COVID lockdowns as a time for them to bond, but the mother basically shut her out. Which might explain the targeting. As a mom who is has had to face leaving my child behind for their welfare while I dealt with an emergency, I know it isn't an easy decision for a loving mother who wants to be a part of my child's life. The OP is willing to move out to get away from the child, or send the child away from her. Which says to me that she knows the unvoiced reason why the teen is acting out. Rather than openly confront the reason, she would rather escape and have her privacy. All in all, the OP is not a victim here. The teen is a product of her parenting choices.
I come from a latin family, if I would have ever done anything like this I would have been slapped on my mouth no more than 5 seconds later. She probably has an alpha personality and women are usually meaner with words than men. Hold your ground, don't apologize and teach her some respect the old way. It's better to be teached by a parent slap, than a life slap not many people recover from those.
So when exactly did they become the parents and the parents the children? Good job people this is the result when you fail to tell everyone get up the kool-aid. When you failed to backhand your kid for speaking when grown folks are talking, for not putting the fear of God in them. Now it's I gotta be they friend to be able to what's happening in their life. Theropy? Theropy is for the weak. My generation and their generation and their generation. We don't have that problem with our kids. Problem we got is we're dealing with your mistakes (another whole situation that is going to end bad but is going to be necessary) I don't even feel bad for the woman, unlike every one's option or advice. I know how to at least start letting the wound physically and mentally begin to heal. But I'd be sticking my nose where it don't belong. I don't wish no one ill unfortunately this a lost cause. Some things can't be fixed once they broken.
Get a new therapist. Apologize for yelling at your kid. Sounds like there isn't enough yelling or getting on her for her bullying
Why does the therapist yes man a child so much? Why is it all the mother's fault and she should be forced to apologize for her daughter MUTILATING her? If someone destroyed the therapist's clothes and cut their hair off for no reason I'm SURE they would apologize to their tormenter /s. A four year learns to be kind so a fourteen year old should know better. I actually hope this story isn't true.
The fact mom is small built and daughter is calling her fat when daughter is not small built can be daughter not being happy with her own body. That she is latching out since mom has a different built than hers. You do have this image out here in the world. Good luck
She shouldn't go to bordering school, she needs to be in the military. She'll learn real fast to not f**k with people.
She needs to send her to boarding school. I wish I didn't listen to none of my family and sent my daughter to boarding school. She did that and more to me. It got worse she started throwing stuff at me. Cutting her face out of all my pictures on my wall saying she don't want to have her face in the picture with someone looking like me. It started during puberty. Kids do attack moms, we do put it with more and blame ourselves. If I told my daughter she couldn't go nowhere she would call the cops on me and tell them I threaten her with a knife. The cops would just suggest that she go somewhere to another family members house. So I sent her to my mom's. Oneday my niece who my mom raised decided to record my daughter talking on the phone with a friend on how she lied to the cops and said I try to stab her. With my job I work with child protection and I can lose my job. Thank God my niece recorded her saying that I was able to show child protection and my supervisor.
Her shrink sucks. What an awful girl, and mums a wallflower letting her get away with it. Send her away. She needs a proper reality check.
Going out on a limb here. (Have kids and grandkids who still talk to me so not totally ignorant,) Seems like all the examples you gave revolve around your appearance. Maybe, in her eyes, you’re attractive and she isn’t. In her eyes only, of course. Sounds like massive insecurity about looks. Eleven onward is certainly the age for it. Without seeing you, I’m going to guess you are pretty. Maybe check into how she views her own level of attractiveness. See if you can have a female friend or relative in her late teens or twenties scope this out while shopping or something. She sounds massively angry and unhappy. My fear with sending her away is that she would develop an eating disorder because her problem goes with her.
Honestly, I wonder if something traumatic happened to the girl. Why is she focused on her mother? We are just getting the mother's side just as the therapist seems to be getting just the daughter's side. Ideally a family therapist should talk to each family member separately & then bring them all in together.
Your daughter is punking you. Stop f*****g being so nice to her. I would treat her exactly how she treats you and see how she likes it. When she is asleep, go cut her hair. And tell her it’s a prank, you pranked me and thought it was funny so I’m doing the same back. Have the whole family laugh at her. She needs to get the same treatment to understand , some people do not feel for other ppl until they are treated the same way. You being nice or considering her feelings and even considering to move out is ridiculous. She is spoiled rotten. There are kids who have awful parents and are traumatized and guess what? They still end up making it in this world. You giving her equal treatment or just backhanding her when she speaks to you like that would do wonders. And who cares if she ends up thinking your a bad mom. She will be fine, she’s receiving no punishment for her actions. I cannot believe you apologized for yelling. Your too nice and she sees it as weakness. Stop. Send her away
In my book cutting someone's hair like that deserves death at most, a shaven head at the least. Sorry. This little b***h should be removed from the family. Now. The mom shouldn't have to move. Abuse plain and simple. The child against the adult, so it's not seen as abuse.
Wow, this resonates so much with me. My son is a loving, helpful, respectful young man who cares about everyone.... except his mother. She has a brain tumor which affects her speech and vision but is in no way cognitively impaired. but he treats her like she's an idiot. He tries to control her by making decisions or plans without telling her and then blames her for "forgetting". I love my son but I was so glad to see him move out. When he does visit I strictly monitor their interactions and stop the conversation if he starts talking down to his mother. Any plans have to be made via text or email to both of us or it didn't happen.
Here's my take: the quickest way to change the daughter's behavior is by changing the way you react to her. Let's imagine the daughter's perspective. She's in a world that's superficial and dominated by social media, where it seems like everyone is either explicitly or implicitly calling girls ugly for the most minor imperfections. This is around the age that strangers will start to objectify her as a young woman. The comment about how her mother will have no one after the father dies, seems to me more an expression of this girl's own fears that if she's old and unattractive, no one will love her. How is she supposed to react to the hostile world out there? It's helpful if one's parents can model a healthy response. Treat your child like you would someone else who's insulted you: don't let the insult destroy your self-image, and express your anger without stopping to her level. It takes practice but I think she is waiting for the mother to stand up for herself.
I can't help but wonder of outside influences...does your daughters social circle act this way towards their parents/parent? Is there ANY chance she's been introduced to illegal drugs and or alcohol? I'm absolutely not suggesting your daughter has or will engage in this behavior however as a mother of a 25year old son and a 13 year old son in my home with such a change in personality the first thing I would have done is take her to her primary care physician (not therapist of any kind....personal choice) and express my concerns ask for a complete CBC (blood testing) and drug panel. Not only illegal drugs but pharmaceutical as well as she may be experimenting with a friend's medication that could be causing the behavior change. I find it odd that no one has even brought this up. The world we live in today most teens are on prescribed meds which is just legalized drugs and if taken without a physicians oversight can be devastating on the development of anyone. Good luck
As a mother who has had to endure this exact situation, my suggestion is to take her to a different Therapist/Psychiatrist/Psychologist. When I did this for my daughter it was discovered that she has borderline personality disorder. I was the only person that had to deal with her bad behavior, insulting comments, and in our case physical violence. I along with my daughter learned how to handle her anger and issues. I learned how to set boundaries in order for her to feel like she was being included in the process. Yes I’ve had to call the police, yes I did at one point have her committed for 5 days for an evaluation. It has been a very long road. I am happy to say that now 10 years later we no longer have as many outbursts of anger, rage, or insults. I am truly sorry that you are going through this time. Stick by your daughter. Seek out different options for you and her. Good luck with your future.
I'd be livid, it seems like this family is walking on eggshells. FFS, she needs to be yelled at and ostracized from the family when she pulls this c**p. They should literally leave the room, all of them. The message is, you behave like that, you'll be alone. My mom had such bad mental illness that I moved out at age 15 but I honestly couldn't live there anymore, I was horrible and.she was just plain nuts. Stop treating her like a child. I'd be like, "F you, Abby. I'll 'prank' you by cutting your damned throat if you keep this sh-t up. You want to play prank eachothe? You're a lazy judgemental piece of s**t without a single marketable skill, you're so worthless your can't be a human being to your own mother. You think sports are gonna pay the bills? Ha! Oh it was just a joke. You can GTFO if you hate me so bad." That said, only one of my daughters knows what it's like to be slapped, the other one is kinda disrespectful and a sh-ttier person for being disciplined less her whole life.
I'm 35 and I have 5 children the older 3 are teenagers 16,15, and 13. Two girls and a boy. Now they all can get attitudes believe me when I say this because I was there with my parents at that age I did a bunch of bull c**p but my dad only took it for a little while until he filed and unruly petition against me and I went to juvenile for a week, that was the worst thing I'd ever been through and at first I felt like my parents didn't love me but after my dad came and got me it was then that I was truly sorry for the things that I had done and I loved them more for teaching me that hard love!!! My children know my back story, so they tend to push a little but not too much because I love them and want them to be respectful responsible people I will not hesitate the consequences of their actions if they were to treat me this way. I'm sorry that you are going through this but you have got to stand up and say no more to this behavior! Your putting up with it and that is why she continues...
How you have not punched that rotten obnoxious little brat right in the face I have no idea! Trauma my a*s! She's just a jealous ugly on the inside person who has gotten away with murder. It's about time someone in your house got some balls and a spine and remove her from YOUR house!
WOWWWWWWW!!!!! I may get some downvotes for this but I'm going to say it...I would've popped that kid in the mouth if it was me, cause I'd be damned if I'm gonna let my kid make me feel like I should move out of my home where she pays no bills. But also if it was me I would have corrected the issue on day 1 and it wouldn't have turned into 3 year on-going issue. And before you start screaming ABUSE, disciplining your child isn't abuse. My daughter has tried me about 5 times during her journey to adulthood and I corrected it right there and then and she is very respectful adult and we have a great relationship. I understand that children may lash out on the person that they are closet to, but this is just plain disrespect and needs to be nipped in the bud.
I'm not a professional, but based on what I know, this could be borderline personality disorder, psychopathy, or narcissism. But any way you slice it, this girl sounds deeply disturbed. My initial reaction was to think that she needs a beating, in order to teach her some respect, but I see now that the issues here seem to go far too deep for that. I think boarding school is necessary for OP's wellbeing, but it looks to me like the family needs to take that time, and the peace and stability it will afford them, and plan their next move. Good luck.
Friends did that with their son. They'd also reached the end of their rope and had tried everything else. It changed him and totally for the better. In later years he thanked them. He said he knew he was out of control and even he didn't understand why, but he couldn't manage to stop himself. Boarding school taught him self-respect, respect for others, self-motivation, self-discipline, and accepting responsibility. I think your husband is wise in considering this and I think you should do it.
Next time she yells "I wish you'd just f**k off!" Do it. Don't even talk or acknowledge her. Pick up your keys and leave. If you know it's coming then pack a bag in the car all ready. Go to a hotel or a friend's, or parents. Hubby can come too. Show her just how rubbish life is without you. No food, no one cleaning, no one doing laundry...
You need a different psychiatrist. It sounds like yours is teaching you to enable your daughter. She needs to be evaluated for mental health issues. It sounds like she is fulfilling a desire to be cruel and testing her ability to do so and get away with it on you. She seems to have no empathy for you. If it is a mental health issue boarding school won't help. It may even exacerbate it. I would start telling her each time she says or does something to hurt you that you love her but her behavior right now makes it hard to like her and you refusevto be around her. Send her to her room for the rest of the day, no TV, phone, music or computer. When she discovers that she won't be allowed to ruin the rest of your day and has nothing to do but read and pout in her room, she may come around. I would still look fo for another psychiatrist. If you were very ill and the dr couldn't figure out what was wrong with you or prescribe medication that made you better, you would try another doctor.
You don't have to yell at your children, just lay the law down. Patents are not friends or peers, we are leaders and letting children be our equals is not right. I love my children but I am a parent not friend.
My daughter struggled greatly with making harsh comments, observations. We would discuss it and eventually she became more aware of the impact of her words. It happened though because I was the closest person to her, often times we take things out, stress, on the person we love the most. I'm not sure if that applies in your situation though. She also had a deep seeded fear of losing me, through death. I'm curious if any event happened just prior to her starting. Big family loss, could even be a pet, someone very sick, even a friend. As far as therapy, it only helps if she is willing to participate. Mine didn't start opening up until she was ready. There are also various conditions that require more behavioral therapy than medication. The medication can't help. Such as borderline personality disorder. I hope the choices you make together improve your situation.
Apologizing to her for your actions after you lost your temper because of her s**t should NOT happen. She’s the one that needs to apologize. Not you. And I would be finding a new therapist. Because this one is more than a bit useless
1) Parents get on the same page - exact same 2) Stop explaining yourself to your kid in any way. Sit down and TELL her what the boundaries, limits and expectations are and what will happen if they are or are not met. Then be done and never discuss it again. 3) stop parenting out of fear - make consequences uncomfortable for her and do not half measure because you think she needs social outlets. BS! 4) Poor behavior means no privileges, good behavior means privileges 5) DO NOT ENGAGE. Look up black/gray/yellow rock. Every time you allow her to engage in conversation, she is going to find a way to trigger you. Don't talk to her. Walk away. You are simply feeding the beast - she is simply taking your power. 6) Do not get mad or react, just do what you said you would do. 6) Your therapist sucks. Find a different one.
Sorry but OP needs a new therapist as they seem to be indulging this girls behaviour. Why should they apologize for yelling at her when she makes nasty comments? Bording School sounds perfect. Its just not fair for this woman to be treated this way.
You're so much nicer than I am! I think she's being cruel to you because she knows she CAN! Give her a taste of her own medicine. If she cut my hair, I would have cut hers. She ruins your things? Ruin hers! She doesn't seem to have an OUNCE of empathy for you. When my son was 3, he bit me so hard he drew blood. I bit his little a*s right back! He learned how it felt to hurt someone, and never did it again. Obviously, the kind route doesn't work with her. A little tough love is in order!
I think you might be sending her mix signals and you all need to practice some tough love & don't be afraid to give her tough punishments. If you move out, she WINS and she will never respect you! You & hubby need to sit down and put together a list of non-respectful & unacceptable behavior. Include your expectations & that privileges must be earned. Share this with her & say it has gone on for too long. Let her know she has, let's say, 6 weeks to straighten up or it is off to military school, not boarding school. If she straightens up & becomes disrespectful again, then immediately send her. Put all of this in writing, like a contract, and have everyone sign it. Make sure to stress that jokes and kidding are supposed to be funny, not mean spirited towards someone & enough is enough. Lay it out like a contract & have everyone sign it. While talking with her be tough & try not yell or get frustrated. Be matter of fact and make it known that you are 110% serious. Good luck!
That's an extremely inept psychologist/therapist. Many mental illness diagnoses are not made until after the person is 18, but anyone worth their salts should be able to identify some seriously dangerous tendencies. I doubt a boarding school would take her; the parents need to dump this nightmare kid off at an institution and drive far far away. She will absolutely 100% commit violent crimes against people (if she hasn't already) and will end up in prison.
I had a friend who moved out of town because his kid was having issues and the change of environment and friends really did wonders for him. My sisters (foster/adopted) were troubled as youths and the one that got sent away actually did better in the end, the one kept at home is still abusing substances and never learned to live independently. I always wonder what would have happened if my parents had been more firm with the latter, or moved to a different town to get them both a fresh start. I don't have any kind of meaningful relationship with either anymore, sadly, but I'm glad the older one has her life together at least. It's worth trying the boarding school if it's a good one.
Hello? When you're cruel, abusive, & hateful people usually don't like you. They'll retaliate, withdraw, & will not want you around. I'm relieved OP's in therapy, but this sounds like there's too much talking & not enough doing. The daughter behaves this way because she's allowed to w/o real consequences & is likely more antisocial elsewhere - OP just isn't privy to it. Get another psychologist!
Teenagers are truly strange being.. While it is stated that the daughter is only mean to her mother now, who knows if she will react the same to others much later. I'm afraid that sending her to boarding school or military school is better for her to learn discipline and rules, but at the same time she would also learn to hide her mean behaviour better... There will be others that could the next target, like teachers, her peers, her juniors, someone unrelated altogether. Although I was not officially diagnosed, I have difficulty to connect with my family too. This usually result in me leaving home and rarely contact each other. I had the same feeling for some of my past classmate, which the only I did is ignored them.(I am getting better now btw). What that child need is not just discipline, but also awareness that she is making her family hate her. And one day soon, she will lost them if she didn't fix her self.
I would find her another psychiatrist/therapist. This one isn't doing her or OP any good. This has gone beyond the "joke" or "prank" stage. This is clearly abuse. She's old enough to know it. She likely loves the attention she's getting from it too. And consequences don't seem to bother her much. There's definitely some psychological problem this girl has and this family needs to get to the bottom if it. Perhaps OP didn't put a stop to this early enough. Boarding school might get her out of the house, for some piece and quiet, but if she has a psych problem it won't help that. When she pulls that c**p on kids in a boarding school, she's in for a big surprise.
Love you need a new therapist! That therapist needs therapy herself! There is entirely no reason or need for either one of you to apologize for yelling at (excuse my language) a demon child terrorizing you like that. That's giving her the ok to do it again. They'll yell the apologize to me for yelling at my bad behavior! Make it make sense! FIRE your therapist and find another one!!
All that counselling and the only tool is to hide?! - new therapists needed asap!
Her behaviors should be corrected. Let me share how my mother would have handled this: Create a rock bottom. As an authority figure and adult , you are the sole owner of everything she owns. So strip it all down. I'm talking clothes, shoes, bed, phone, decorations, door off hinges, every single little thing that is in that girl's possession, take it away. If she doesn't appreciate you and the things you do for her, let her see what not having you and your kindness feels like. Bring her down to the most basic level of living (5 of the same outfits in the same color, 1 pair of shoes, air mattress, 1 lamp, 1 pillow, and a comfortable blanket, monitored computer time (as in, she can only use the computer in front of you for 1 hour).You have tried going about this as kindly and gently as possible, but it's time for her to earn your respect, not the other way around. Once she changes thosebehaviors start letting her earn her stuff back. Continue therapy because she needs other coping skills.
This is EXACTLY what the hell happens when you're not allowed to BEAT SOME A*S!!! We all here under the perspective that beating a*s traumatizes kids and blah blah blah, but look at what has happened in the world. I have a 9 year old niece that doesn't listen to a thing anyone says...she legits just says "Ill do what I want, and if you lay a hand on me...you'll never see me again, AND you'll go to jail", and it pisses me the F**K off cause it's us damn millennials fault for making that happen. Us millennials are still SOOOOOO butt hurt that WE got spanked, that we created monsters for crotch goblins. Why crime is so high, why more and more kids act out, and why we have c**p to pick from leader wise...cause we aren't allowed as a species to do what we're built to do, AND BEAT A*S!!! And don't give me this whole "Spanking traumatizes children" spiel....I was literally locked in closets, laid down in glass, and all kinds of other stuff that I'm NOT recommending, and I graduated with honor
I have an excellent career, and I have a DEEP sense of respect...so NO, it doesn't HAVE to affect a child. I was abused in every sense of the word, and I'm FINE. So beat some damn a*s, show the b***h whose f*****g boss, and quit being so god damn F*****G sensitive about EVERYTHING. Every generation is just getting softer, weaker, and more explosive...and it's because of parents are happy, then yeah...everything's great...but now PARENTS aren't in power, the kids are....and I thought we all agreed that if your brain isn't fully developed...you don't get no power.
Load More Replies... She needs to be taken by her shoulders and steered out of the house, then sit an empty suitcase on the porch next to her. When she asks What is This? Tell her she is moving out..to a better place. Tell her they'll be here in about 10 mins, wait for them. I've signed all the forms. Then just stand there and hawk over her. Every car passing will add to the tension that she is out of the house. Look into Boarding schools but don't go with the best one. Print out info on problem kids, fat camps and other "not-so-great" places. Fold them and pretend to browse them so she sees. Then put them up and act like she wasn't watching. Curiosity will draw her to them. She'll sneak a peek and be shocked. Write in the margins just whatever pops into your head? Cost, mileage, repeat offenses ,food costs but strike it out and go with 70% of that? Will she be medicated nightly? Meds will be in her food and drink. Re-education program levels required? Agree with that. Dorm room locked at night? Yes.
Bars on windows? Yes def!! Cellphone allowance earned on behavior and not more than 20mins per day unless calling home, dialed by staff and placed in a talk box. A plexiglass box that is locked and cannot be dialed out while locked in box. Just whatever you can think of. Set up hidden cameras in your house, the kitchen, your office and living room. Places that will record where she treats/speaks to you poorly. Get that all recorded. Don't let her find the cameras bc she will destroy them. Buy a cheap camera at Wallmart and bring it home. Crush the box in the garbage and write or label the camera on it somewhere, Camera #9... if you really only have 3? Don't let her know that. Watch her manners change? On a weekend go for a drive. Just you, your husband and her. Drive around a couple boarding school areas. You and your husband agree to one " That's the place, right?. Yep"... then drive home and get on the computer to look up that place. She will snap right up. Or she'll go insane ??
Load More Replies... "Spare the rod spoil the child." Spank that child,teach her respect and keep her off Twitter and other social media. And stop being such a ninny.
"Spare the rod spoil the child." Spank that spoiled brat. Stop being such a ninny
Send her to boarding school, and before you leave the house for the airport put her over your knees and beat some manners into her.
Send her to boarding school, and before you leave the house for the airport, put her over your knee and smack the s**t out of her.
I am 64 yrs old, and, when I was her age, if I had ever spoken to either of my parents like this, or disrespected another adult, I would have gotten my tail beat - dad used his belt, mom preferred the wooden spoon! You didn't speak to ANY ADULT LIKE THAT - I DON'T CARE HOW BAD I WAS FEELING OR WHAT SOMEONE HAD SAID TO ME! This behavior needs to be CALLED OUT and addressed IMMEDIATELY AS IT HAPPENS! She needs to understand that there are consequences for her behavior - cutting your hair and damaging your personal belongings are ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE, and she needs SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES! GROUNDING HER, TAKING HER PHONE, AND "ASKING HER TO STOP" obviously is NOT WORKING! When she speaks to you in that disrespectful manor, immediately address it, stating that it will NOT BE TOLERATED! If she continues to act out, let her know that you are actually considering sending her to boarding school because of the behavior. It might stop it. If not, say goodbye and send her!!
I have a strange feeling about this. Why did the daughter start abusing her mother? At first I thought the father might have influenced her that way. But that does not seam do. Then I thought maybe he was abusing her. Then the therapist. I would definitely try a different therapist first. It just does not make sense to me. If everything is what it seams, then boarding school is a good solution though.
She chose to have a daughter, she deals with the consequences. She did not have to bring another unconsenting life into this world.
This is crazy!!! I grow up knowing that if I acted in any way horrible to my parents, I would get the c**p beat out of me. And I mean that!!!! I would say I'm sorry, but if she was my child she would have stopped along time ago because I would have given her the belt. For some people, talking is great. But once u let your child walk on u, they most likely will always do it.
Too much kindness. Way too much. She would be sleeping in a mattress in her room with no door and no sports and no phone and no not more than five sets of clothes and would have to slowly earn back all of it. A week with good behavior. Congratulations you get an outfit back. Two weeks. Hey look you actually get to have 30 minutes with your phone. We did this with my teen daughter and the difference was astronomical. Did it hurt. You bet. And she was more mad the first week but quickly realized we meant busines. It was hard to watch her suffer but damn worth it in the long run. Y’all are way too nice for me.
Lol The fact that you might send your child to boarding school because you can't "deal with her" is all I needed to hear. You are the a*****e you don't care about the child. And you suck. You are the adult if she calls you names get the f**k over it. You are the one that sounds like they need to go to etiquette schoool.
She's literally cutting her mom's hair with scissors, burning clothes IN THE HOUSE, and has attempted to POISION HER? what do you mean "get over it"?
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