Woman Thinks Her Sister Is Coping With The Loss Of Her Baby In A Creepy And Unhealthy Way, Asks If She Would Be A Jerk To Break It To Her
Life can be full of difficult times, but we are fortunate to have brains that can develop defenses to help us get by. Coping mechanisms are important ways to just keep going when times get tough, but can become a crutch that can make it harder to heal in the long run.
An internet user wanted to know if she would be a jerk for insisting that her sister not bring a doll to easter. The crux of the issue is the sister believing that the doll was a real baby as a way to cope with the death of an unborn child. While not the most pleasant subject, the OP believed that ultimately, this doll was impeding her sister’s ability to move on but wanted some advice from the internet.
More info: Reddit
Coping strategies are normal ways we keep functioning when under stress but should not be made permanent
Image credits: SergioPhotone (not the actual photo)
A woman asked the internet if she would be a jerk for insisting that her sister not bring a doll with her to easter
Image credits: Fa Barboza(not the actual photo)
Image credits: Alone-Loss-4667
As important as coping mechanisms are, they can be unhealthy if the underlying issue is left untreated
Image credits: Tiago Bandeira (not the actual photo)
As humans, we often get caught in the dilemma of how best to help someone. Well-adjusted people naturally feel sympathy toward someone who is in pain. The OP of this story is caught in the same trap. She acknowledges that her sister is, to put it mildly, going through a lot. But it doesn’t take a licensed therapist to know that a realistic doll is not a good long-term coping mechanism. Professionals would call this maladaptive coping. That’s a pretty broad term, but one, very visible signifier is the avoidance or escapes from accepting reality. As much as we would like to ignore the facts, in the long run, it just does not help our mental health or functioning in the real world.
This is not to discredit the realistic doll as an effective method of dealing with a miscarriage. Just the act of cuddling it can actually release oxytocin and help the “mother” feel better. This is also likely why many who use these dolls develop attachments to them. As useful as good hormones are, the “mother” ends up stuck with a “baby” that will never grow. Similarly, she will be stuck emotionally and find it more difficult to get past the trauma of losing a child. But, as many commenters noted, you can’t just snatch it out of her hands without replacing it or replacing her dependency on it.
“Reborn” dolls can get a bit too realistic, with tragi-comic results
Image credits: wikimedia (not the actual photo)
As far as coping mechanisms go, a doll perhaps isn’t quite the worst. Some people turn to rampant substance abuse and other self-destructive behaviors. This creates a downward cycle, where the person ends up rapidly decreasing their quality of life, requiring more coping, and leading to even worse outcomes. On the other hand, some people employ humor, particularly self-deprecation to rationalize what is happening or has happened to them. Ultimately, healthy coping mechanisms have an expiration date and include relaxation and seeking out social or professional support. So OP is right to be concerned about the doll (not real human contact) but needs to formulate a plan on how to help her sister.
To readers who are wondering just how realistic these “realistic” dolls are, in Queensland, Australia, police smashed in the windows of a hot car to rescue what turned out to be a doll. This incident was in 2008, so you best believe that “realistic doll” technology has only improved. That same year, basically, the same thing happened, when US cops broke the windows of a car to “rescue” a baby that turned out to be a “reborn” doll. In an unfortunate symbiosis, experts recommend that owners of the doll treat it like a real baby. For example, they shouldn’t dangle it by a random limb or toss it into the backseat of a car, as bystanders might mistake it for a real baby and, naturally, become quite distressed. But this has the side effect of internalizing the parent’s belief that the doll is real.
Commenters were sympathetic to OP’s position but thought the sister needed more help
Tbh I think the question about the doll is almost irrelevant. What's far more important is that the family work together to get her sister professional help. It's such a tragic situation and I really hope she gets it.
Good point. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose a child...
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This is a good example of taking a moment to decide if the actions that's needed is best for the person grieving or for the person who wrote the post. This woman's loss is absolutely profound, and what she needs is patience and support. Sure, the doll might be weird, but trying to take it away from them feels like it's more about others discomfort with the grief and how they are coping instead of actually showing support. Forcing this woman to part with the doll is like saying "I'm sick of you being depressed, just stop being depressed. I think you would be happier if you weren't depressed." Yes, obviously the person would be happier if they were having to cope with this horrible grief, but removing the symptoms of grief isn't removing the grief, it's just selfishly making it more comfortable for others around them.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that when this woman says "my doll is sick" what she is really saying is "I'm not handling this well right now" and hiding that vulnerable feeling behind a doll. Which is completely fine when you're going through this level of trauma.
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The sister needs therapy if she doesn't get that she's unlikely to get better anytime soon. OP could mask the suggestion for therapy as something that would be good for the "baby" since it doesn't have a dad so her sister can get tips on raising it, or something like that.
Tbh I think the question about the doll is almost irrelevant. What's far more important is that the family work together to get her sister professional help. It's such a tragic situation and I really hope she gets it.
Good point. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose a child...
Load More Replies... This is a good example of taking a moment to decide if the actions that's needed is best for the person grieving or for the person who wrote the post. This woman's loss is absolutely profound, and what she needs is patience and support. Sure, the doll might be weird, but trying to take it away from them feels like it's more about others discomfort with the grief and how they are coping instead of actually showing support. Forcing this woman to part with the doll is like saying "I'm sick of you being depressed, just stop being depressed. I think you would be happier if you weren't depressed." Yes, obviously the person would be happier if they were having to cope with this horrible grief, but removing the symptoms of grief isn't removing the grief, it's just selfishly making it more comfortable for others around them.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn that when this woman says "my doll is sick" what she is really saying is "I'm not handling this well right now" and hiding that vulnerable feeling behind a doll. Which is completely fine when you're going through this level of trauma.
Load More Replies... The sister needs therapy if she doesn't get that she's unlikely to get better anytime soon. OP could mask the suggestion for therapy as something that would be good for the "baby" since it doesn't have a dad so her sister can get tips on raising it, or something like that.
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