Woman Dumbfounded After Realizing MIL Thinks Her New Baby Is For Her
Interview With Expert
The current average lifespan of a human being is just over 73 years. It’s not a very long period, and we might not get to do everything we want in the time we have, but what we do with it is up to us.
While some things might not work out the way we’d like, it doesn’t make it right to try to fix them at someone else’s expense. But as one Redditor recently found out, some people just don’t get it. When this woman had a baby, her MIL decided that she would be the one to raise the child and relive being a mom, seemingly pushing the actual mother out of the picture and initiating drama. Scroll down to read the whole story!
More info: Reddit
Some people want to relive their past so badly that they don’t realize how they’re messing up their present
Image credits: Sergey Makashin (not the actual photo)
A woman had an excellent relationship with her in-laws, but things changed when she and her husband had a baby
Image credits: Yan Krukau (not the actual photo)
The mother-in-law started fantasizing about raising her son’s daughter in the way that she wanted, seemingly pushing the baby’s mother out of the picture
Image credits: ParsleyDelicious3472
The woman’s husband shut his mother down, which seemed to clarify the boundaries but messed up their relationship
The OP and her mother-in-law used to get along well. But things changed when the author and her husband had their baby girl, marking the start of their own family where the MIL would no longer be the main focus of attention.
She first tried to make it about herself, saying that the poster’s baby was her new purpose, but her son, the OP’s husband, quickly shut her down. Now that the new mother was not giving her what she wanted, she went from being her only child’s girlfriend who was loved and constantly showed off to someone useless.
It turns out that the mother-in-law expected to be in all of the baby’s first outings and moments, taking the child everywhere and showing the girl off, all the while making every decision and not answering to anyone. In other words, she wanted the OP’s baby to be the second child she and her husband always wanted, leaving no space for the girl’s actual mother.
People in the comments were very supportive of the OP, calling the mother-in-law’s level of obsession unhealthy and suggesting getting help from a professional who could help work through this. They also shared their own stories of similar situations and how they dealt with them, giving advice to the author that she sought from the forum.
Image credits: Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
Talking about professional help, there seems to be a lot that this situation has to unpack. As some Redditors pointed out, the mother-in-law’s obsession is far from healthy, and so, looking to find out why exactly she is acting the way she is, Bored Panda reached out to a couple of people who could help us fill in these holes.
The first expert was Dr. Patrice Berry, a clinical psychologist and an educational content creator on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube, who destigmatizes mental health and shares her knowledge with people who may not have access to other resources.
Dr. Berry began by saying that the behavior, like that of the mother-in-law in the story, most likely stems from an inability to accept the boundaries set by the new parents. The expert explained that setting and accepting boundaries is crucial in situations like this. “In families, boundaries must be clearly stated, and the best boundaries are about my behavior and not the other person.”
These new terms may be difficult to accept for some but are usually necessary nonetheless and shouldn’t be toned down to please others. “As a new parent, it is important to feel comfortable setting boundaries and being ok with people being upset with your decisions. Not everyone will agree with your decisions or choices, and some people may need to grieve their own expectations.”
Summarizing, for the ones struggling with a situation like this, the psychologist recommends finding someone to talk to, ideally a trained professional. For the people on the other side of this table who want to be better at setting boundaries, Dr. Berry suggested a book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. “Often, the people who need our boundaries the most are the ones who struggle with them.”
Image credits: Kenny Eliason (not the actual photo)
Next, to get a second opinion, we talked to Dr. Han Ren, a psychologist and a TikTok content creator who focuses on sharing knowledge and addressing mental health issues from a multicultural perspective.
Having come from China to the US at the age of 5, Han had to go through a lot of life experiences that many other immigrants tend to face, which led her to pursue a career in psychology, where she could help people in similar shoes, as well as indulge her fascination with humanity and how people’s minds work.
When asked about the possible underlying reasons behind the actions of people like the mother-in-law from the story, the expert said that some parents find it difficult to differentiate from their children healthily. “They see them as extensions of themselves and may project their own desires, goals, and wishes onto them, living vicariously through their children’s opportunities.”
Dr. Ren explained that his type of behavior most likely comes from a person’s rooted trauma of not being able to have the same opportunities earlier in life, wanting to redo some things from when her child was young now that they have more awareness and resources, or simply longing to re-experience this stage of motherhood. But despite all that, this is neither fair to the children nor a good way to deal with grief, sadness, and trauma.
When it comes to dealing with this issue, Han agreed with our previous expert, saying that the key to solving it is boundaries, and the example that we see shows a lack of them, which can lead to a negative impact on the mother-in-law’s relationship with her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchild.
The expert explained that the parents should be very clear about their expectations and the consequences of ignoring them. However, this process doesn’t necessarily have to be harsh and unpleasant. “All of this can be communicated with love and care. These boundaries will reduce the opportunity for resentment to build,” summarized Dr. Ren, adding that as long as the mother has support from her partner, everything should go quite smoothly.
In the end, it is next to impossible to live your life in a way that you’d feel completely fulfilled in every aspect and have no regrets whatsoever. We all might want to redo some mistakes and relive some experiences, but sometimes, it may be crucial to learn to accept some things we can’t change, as refusing to do so might only raise the risk of messing up what you have. But for now, let’s just hope that the OP’s mother-in-law realizes it before it’s too late.
What did you think of this story? Have you ever dealt with a similar situation? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
The commenters thought that the mother-in-law’s obsession appeared to be very unhealthy and shared how they dealt with similar situations in their own lives
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I did not have a close, or healthy, relationship with my parents, so maybe I'm missing some nuance to these kinds of stories. My reaction to this type of situation would be to have me and husband sit the MIL down for a talk and directly and calmly tell her what behaviors will and will not be tolerated with regard to my child. If she decides she can't abide with that, then she'd have no contact. That is all. But as I said, maybe I'm missing some nuance.
Nah, you said it just right. In-laws and grandparents need to stay in their own lane. With my two sisters (I have no kids), the attitude these grandparents are displaying would not in any way be tolerated. They would have cut the offenders off in a nanosecond. OP and her husband are NTA's. Hopefully, they will give the grandparents one of two options: respect their boundaries, or not see their grandchild. OP has the best husband in the world; she should clone him.
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There are way too many of these MIL horror stories. I would lose my s**t so fast.
They're a bit "flavour of the month" right now. Better that the endless airline seat ones, or petty revenge, instant karma or various others over time? Maybe, maybe not. In all of them you start out with one or two believable but clearly one-sided stories, then they get more and more exaggerated over time and end up as completely unrealistic fiction. A little reminiscent of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch one-upmanship.
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My MIL was a little like this. It was her first grandkid, and my mom isn't alive. She was in a motorized wheelchair at the time my son was born. She could barely walk, her memory was going (she was only in her early 50s at the time but suffered a traumatic brain injury from an accident.) No way could I leave the baby with her. Until I had to, but FIL would be there with her. We would be gone for a few hours. I called every hour to check on him. By the time we got back, MIL was out of the wheelchair, up walking around like f'n nothing, carrying the baby around and singing. Blew my mind. My son really did give her purpose, got her out of the chair and gave her something to focus on other than her limitations. (Her youngest kid had just moved out, empty nest syndrome, depression, TBI, severe fibromyalgia and nerve damage, it just overwhelmed her and she shut down.) We let her babysit on a regular basis when I went back to work.
We don't get along, at all. And I've set some hard boundaries when she started to overstep her bounds (like always cutting my son's hair without even asking, or badmouthing his father in front of him.)
Load More Replies...
I did not have a close, or healthy, relationship with my parents, so maybe I'm missing some nuance to these kinds of stories. My reaction to this type of situation would be to have me and husband sit the MIL down for a talk and directly and calmly tell her what behaviors will and will not be tolerated with regard to my child. If she decides she can't abide with that, then she'd have no contact. That is all. But as I said, maybe I'm missing some nuance.
Nah, you said it just right. In-laws and grandparents need to stay in their own lane. With my two sisters (I have no kids), the attitude these grandparents are displaying would not in any way be tolerated. They would have cut the offenders off in a nanosecond. OP and her husband are NTA's. Hopefully, they will give the grandparents one of two options: respect their boundaries, or not see their grandchild. OP has the best husband in the world; she should clone him.
Load More Replies... There are way too many of these MIL horror stories. I would lose my s**t so fast.
They're a bit "flavour of the month" right now. Better that the endless airline seat ones, or petty revenge, instant karma or various others over time? Maybe, maybe not. In all of them you start out with one or two believable but clearly one-sided stories, then they get more and more exaggerated over time and end up as completely unrealistic fiction. A little reminiscent of the Four Yorkshiremen sketch one-upmanship.
Load More Replies... My MIL was a little like this. It was her first grandkid, and my mom isn't alive. She was in a motorized wheelchair at the time my son was born. She could barely walk, her memory was going (she was only in her early 50s at the time but suffered a traumatic brain injury from an accident.) No way could I leave the baby with her. Until I had to, but FIL would be there with her. We would be gone for a few hours. I called every hour to check on him. By the time we got back, MIL was out of the wheelchair, up walking around like f'n nothing, carrying the baby around and singing. Blew my mind. My son really did give her purpose, got her out of the chair and gave her something to focus on other than her limitations. (Her youngest kid had just moved out, empty nest syndrome, depression, TBI, severe fibromyalgia and nerve damage, it just overwhelmed her and she shut down.) We let her babysit on a regular basis when I went back to work.
We don't get along, at all. And I've set some hard boundaries when she started to overstep her bounds (like always cutting my son's hair without even asking, or badmouthing his father in front of him.)
Load More Replies...
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