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29 Men Share How They Realized It Was Actually Them Who Were Acting ‘Creepy’ Towards Women
People change. However, before someone can alter their behavior for good, they need to want to do it. It sounds simple, but think about it for a second. It's basically admitting to yourself that your worldview is flawed. That you are flawed. Which takes guts.
Recently, Reddit user rocketbot99 made a post on r/AskReddit, saying "For men who used to be 'creepy' towards women and have since stopped, what was it that made you realize you were creepy that prompted you to change?" And their call was answered: as of this article, the thread has over 8,000 comments, many of which are insightful, honest replies to rocketbot99's question.
Of course, these comments don't mean that society is cured of sexism We still have a long way to go in regards to respecting women. But these are steps in the right direction and we should celebrate them.
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#1
It took me recognizing that I was addicted to alcohol, tobacco, and sex. I had been aggressive toward women and objectifying them since I was a child. I think this happened because I was exposed to sex at such a young age. I thought all relationships were supposed to be how the movies and shows were, so I just emulated what I saw.
Once I got sober, I realized how much of a monster I was and took the necessary steps to really implement change in my life. Lots of therapy. Lots of crying. Self-reflection as to why I was emulating that specific behavior, and quitting my addictions. It’s been a journey, but I’m happy to say that I’ve been in a loving, committed relationship with proper boundaries for a year now.
KatHat 4 years ago
Oh, just IMAGINE if more people had this kind of self-awareness and commitment to being a better person. It benefits everyone - the self, others close to the person, and also the whole of society. Imagine the negative cloud this person would have dragged around his entire life and instead what he has replaced it with. People - work on your self-awareness. We ALL have blind spots. What are yours? Work on them.
Delta of the Ice/SandWings 4 years ago (edited)
It's a good thing that alk these people realized what they're doing/have done. Sadly, there are many people who areunaware of it or are ignoring the fact that they are doing these kinds of things.
Tabby_Sohee 4 years ago
It’s really hard to find that you are living life in the incorrect way and even harder to fix it, especially once you’re older... this is really nice.
Turns out, being sexist also sucks for men themselves. That was the conclusion of a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology that aggregated the results of nearly 80 separate studies on masculine norms and mental health over 11 years.
After looking into almost 20,000 men in total, the paper titled Meta-Analyses of the Relationship Between Conformity to Masculine Norms and Mental Health-Related Outcomes found that men who adhered to such norms not only harmed the women around them but they also exhibited significantly worse social functioning and psychological health.
RELATED:
#2
I wasn't being actively creepy, but:
I used to think cat-calling was just flirtatious compliments, and who doesn't like those, right? >.> I never cat-called anybody, largely because that's not my personality type.
But now I live by the motto: "Never say something to a stranger that you wouldn't want a big guy saying to you in prison."
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Never say something to a woman you don't know that you wouldn't say to a man you don't know - same theory really
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
BTW, it is *horrible* for a woman to be cat called etc on the street, be upset by it, let it all out to men they know, and have the men tell them they should feel complimented and there's many women who'd love that kind of attention. Horrible. I once had that response from a bunch of gay guys in a dance studio I used to go to, so they're not off the hook either. I guess we all are vulnerable to what we learn from the media etc.
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago (edited)
If cat-calling were just flirtatious compliments then they wouldn’t sound different from flirtatious compliments. You can’t flirt and scream at someone at the same time. That isn’t how flirting works.
djinnjeannie 4 years ago
If you need to think of prison rape to make you not act like a d**k you’re not really there yet
Gin Marie 4 years ago
May, why do dudes feel like they get to yell their opinions at women? If it WAS complimentary, they would do it to men. They don't. Given how often women are attacked and murdered by guys for trivial s**t, how is a woman supposed to know who's the murderer and who's just an asshole?
Aeon Flux 4 years ago
A lot of men really don't understand that it can actually be *scary* to have someone shout at you, honk at you, or start following you randomly, when you've done absolutely nothing to signal interest.
Katie Gardner 4 years ago
This! Look I love when a cute guy flirts with me at the bar, but randomly shouting at me while I’m walking my dog at night is TERRIFYING! And it always seems to be a guy with at least 2 friends which makes it even worse. I have to walk down my back alley to throw away poop and honestly sometimes I just bring it in the apartment to throw away later bc I’m scared.
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Wendillon 4 years ago
Cat-calling has become something of a wholesome joke in my town. If a group of people see a single person walking by they'll shout out things like "That shirt looks awesome on you!" or "I love your hair".
AlmightyOne 4 years ago
That is good. That is loud compliments. That is not cat-calling
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"Sexism isn't just a social injustice," Y. Joel Wong, a psychologist at Indiana University Bloomington and the study’s lead author, said. "It may even be potentially problematic for [men's] mental health."
The term "masculine norms" can refer to a whole range of characteristics but the researchers focused on 11 separate aspects of American masculinity in particular. They found that three specific traits associated with toxic masculinity were particularly harmful to men’s psyches: being self-reliant, being dominant over women, and being a "playboy." Interestingly, some norms, such as putting work and career first, did not seem to have any negative mental health effects.
#3
One of the most eye-opening adages that helped me immensely was, 'Men are afraid women will reject them; women are afraid men will kill them.' That helped me to change my interactions in a way that was less likely to set off alarm bells in a woman’s mind.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
I believe the original was 'men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will kill them'
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Yours is better. Everyone fears rejection.
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AsylumWalker 7 months ago
No she didnt, its been around far longer. All of handmaids tale was stolen anywau
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Valerie Amador 4 years ago
Is it just me or did the last part make you feel weird? Like how he said “ that helped me to change my interactions in a way that was less likely to set off alarm bells “ like idk but that made me feel weird lol but it was probably just me.
LGBTQpanda 9 months ago
Good for this person. I had a guy say, "don't walk away. I'm one of the good ones." A gentleman responded for me: "yeah, and she should just take your word for that. "
The_tattered_hippie 4 years ago (edited)
My husband learned by this statement as well. He’s a 6’4 bald guy with tattoos and 3ft wide shoulders. No one scares him. But for women, men are the #1 threat to our lives. It’s like if everywhere you go, you came into contact with a lion. That lion may not be hungry and leave you alone.... or he may eat you. That’s what living life as a woman is. Constantly wondering what kind of man is near us.
SkippyJohnJones29 8 months ago
anyone else creeped out that he said "less likely to set off alarm bells..."
Cynthia Bonville 4 years ago
Margaret Atwood for the win: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Margaret_Atwood
Jared Yates Sexton, the author of The Man They Wanted Me to Be, told Bored Panda there's a whole array of reasons why toxic masculinity is so deeply rooted in our everyday life. "The problematic elements of masculinity are intertwined with the economic, political, and personal elements of society," Sexton said. "It's passed down from one generation to another in socialization, or physical, mental, emotional abuse and intentional and unintentional feedback."
"It's as simple as telling a young boy he can't be emotional and as complicated as the signals and messages from culture, popular culture, and how products are marketed to men and women. It's knotted into society, unfortunately, and so it makes it incredibly hard to root out."
#4
Hearing women complain about something and thinking, Oh s**t, I've done that. It seriously has helped me improve on a lot of things.
Samantha PandaNotBored 4 years ago
Good for you. Sometimes it is okay to put ones self into time out .
In The Man They Wanted Me To Be, Sexton describes it as a chronic condition. "A lot of people ask 'how did you get out?' but there's no getting out, really. If you've been raised in this, if you've experienced the socialization, abuse, etc, it's something you have to keep an eye on."
According to him, men, even men who understand the pitfalls of masculinity, who study it, write about it, work against its problematic aspects, can still fall into its traps when things get hard or if they're not paying attention. "It's a daily struggle, honestly," Sexton said.
#5
I realized they weren't laughing because I was funny, they were laughing because they were scared
Daria B 4 years ago
Or they sometimes laugh just because they're polite. Being polite is often misunderstood as flirty/having interest.
Easily Excitable Panda 4 years ago
Women are socialized to be polite from childhood on. It's gotten me in to more precarious situations than I'd like to admit.
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Anne Atkins 4 years ago
So true! I’m not really afraid; but I’ve been skeeved out enough to just laugh in response to shut people up
Fanstacia D 4 years ago
Yeeees. There are genuine smiles, and then there are placating smiles. Placating smiles are literally an animalistic coping response when feeling unsure or unsafe about a person.
However, Jared thinks there's hope to be had in that we're talking about gender as a construct and the surrounding issues. "That's different, even as people try and weaponize it for political and economic purposes. I'm seeing so much advancement in culture, with this generation and the next, that I'm hopeful, but the work is far from over."
When you think about it, the root of this problem probably developed thousands of years ago, when early homo sapiens used strength to exert dominance or take charge. And it wasn't even a problem then. But contemporary society has led to such a shift in attitude toward these male behaviors, a "real man" today is something we must define ourselves. The good thing is more and more of us are trying to.
#6
When I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, I was totally heartbroken. I called her all the time and cried on the phone. I even threatened to kill myself and told her so. This went on for some time. Eventually I threatened again to kill myself and went to bed drunk. I woke up to a voicemail from her, crying her eyes out and begging me not to do it.
I was so ashamed about my behavior. I realized in that message what I had become. It was absolutely her right, as it was mine, to end a relationship at any time for any reason, without being hounded and traumatized by the ex. I was evil and toxic
Jonathan 4 years ago
I wouldn't really say you're evil. Distraught, emotional and vulnerable (yes, us guys can feel vulnerable too) maybe but not really evil. Lets save that word for actual evil things.
StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
Threatening to kill yourself to an ex is the very definition of emotional abuse. He had no plans to kill himself. He wasn't telling anyone else he was going to kill himself. Just the one he wanted to inflict pain on. This is manipulative, and it's deliberate. People who kill themselves don't threaten, they just do it. He gets no pass for this. If your ex is threatening to kill themselves, the next call should be to the police. They can apprehend the person and put them in a psych ward for a couple of days for evaluation. Don't play the game of getting emotionally involved with this manipulative behaviour.
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cassiushumanmother 4 years ago
That's so toxic. In highschool a friend was in love with me and i was not, he "tried" to kill himself "because" of it. Then our other friends told me "you would have felt pretty shitty if he had succeed". ABSOLUTELY NOT! if you turn someone down kindly and they can't handle it, it's not on you if they can't handle a NO. You don't have to date a person because this person threatened you with suicide.
Samantha Power 4 years ago
Hope things are better now, you don't sound evil exactly. Therapy can help a lot.
Stephany K-Jörg Trumper 6 months ago
When I left my ex, he decided to take d***s, too much, and then blamed me for his near-o******e because he was trying to k**l himself. He was always calling and texting me. It was horrible. When I blocked him from all social media, he showed up at my parents' house (I was living with them at the time, eight years ago) and, crying on his knees, begged me to open the door. I refused. My mom let him in despite my refusal, and I had to lock myself in the bathroom to avoid interacting with him...
deanna woods 4 years ago
As someone with really bad depression and anxiety people threatening suicide because someone broke up with them is one of the most selfish things you can do. I have felt suicidal before myself, but not over a relationship. I felt this way because of how out of whack everything was in my brain.
Christopher Columbus 4 years ago
This post makes me feel like hugging you. So strong to look back and evaluate yourself. That's a hard thing to do. Just don't be too hard on yourself. Evil is a strong word. I have a hard time believing in truly evil people. Mental illness, misguidance, toxicity, hurt, selfishness, trauma, etc... Sure. But truly evil? Brave of you to share your self reflection.
Evil Little Thing 4 years ago
This sounds like borderline personality disorder, even the self-hatred.
#7
I had to explain to my 50 year old husband that young women do NOT find his interest a compliment
Daria B 4 years ago (edited)
So many men over their 30s don't understand that and it's so weird. I understand a teenage girl may have a crush on a good looking 30 ~ 40-year-old (in which case, he should know better anyway, and many men handle the situation with respect), but hearing "30-something years old teenagers" (this is how I call these types of people) go all like "hihiho hohoho girls, girls" sounds very inappropriate.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
The pereptual locker room jock mindset at its worst. *shudder*
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Hahaha dude is like 75 and completely innocent in all this! Poor stock photo guy.
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Everyone already commented on how creepy this is but it blows my mind that there’s no mention of how fücked up this is to do to your wife. “His interest”??? What kind of husband just openly expresses interest in another person of any age? Let’s face it, 99.9% of marriages aren’t open, so that ain’t it. He might as well just cheat. That shīt is grounds for a bitter divorce.
Sandra Givens 4 years ago
This made me smile a bit (it's absolutely correct that young women are not universally enchanted by old farts). My late husband had a friend, early 40s, charming, intelligent, very attractive, writer and artist, all kinds of positive things. He did prefer younger women to those his own age. Finally, my husband got fed up with him complaining how hard it was to find someone interesting to date, he told him flat out "(Friend), you have to understand. To a twenty year old, you are invisible." Came as a shock to the guy to realize he was right.
Kate Koppen 8 months ago
Recently realized that my senior coworker whom I respect for his experience is 55. The same age of the guys who went after me when I was around 30, almost a decade ago. Makes me shudder... and those were guys who only went after 30-something because they were not rich or pretty enough to go for a 20 something, they totally would have if they could.
Load More Replies... Jaclyn 4 years ago
I used to work at a gas station/truck stop when I was 17-20 and you would not believe the creepiness involved with middle aged truckers. I literally had to have code phrases for situations when a trucker got too graphic/abusive/threatening. I had to be walked to my car three feet from the door some nights. It was demoralizing to see how women were treated and I eventually left that good paying job because I felt bad for my co-workers having to be on guard for my safety. Like, that's not their job. I was awesome at that job and made it to daytime manager, but it was still essentially an out of reach job for a young woman for things outside of my control. I do have to say most of the truckers were great people and would stand up for me or anyone in the shop they knew and I met some awesome and interesting people. But there were enough of the other variety that it eventually outweighed the good.
A Head 4 years ago
I'm a 50 year old husband, and I completely agree with this sentiment. But I just want to say, if the dude in that photo is 50, he's made some seriously poor lifestyle choices.
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 4 years ago
He has seen a few too many ghosts with that shock of white hair.
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StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
Uh, that's a hard 50 up there. Did they run out of 50ish man stock photos?
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
There can be a power imbalance here too, that makes it very stressful for the girl
Bex 4 years ago
Ugh, wish I could upvote this a million times!!! Men in their 70's hit on me a lot (I'm 42 and look like I'm in my mid-30's), and it's so gross. Sorry dude, I already have a father, and a great relationship with him; I don't have Daddy issues and I'm not looking for a new father figure. Worst part is ONLY men in their 70's hit on me... maybe I don't look so young after all... lol
#8
I was 18 working at Six Flags. We got a new coworker at the ride I was mainly at and I took a liking to her instantly. I tried talking with her constantly and "cutely" blocked her path multiple times. This was all on her first day. The next she didn't show back up.
Thats when I realized I had harassed her, all she wanted to do is just work and get some extra cash and I added stupid stress to that.
I don't interact with coworkers like that anymore. Even if I think I could have a chance, I leave them alone on that level.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
At the end of the day, while you're all leaving, then ask if they'd like to go for a drink with you sometime. Does their face light up, do they hold eye contact, do they smile broadly? Those are your clues, not whether or not they reply 'maybe' because, as we've established, women have to tread carefully for their own safety. But well done to you for realising.
Patricia Perrings 4 years ago
If they turn you down for the drink or date, don't treat them with hostility. They are not there looking for a date, they are there to earn a living. There is noting worse than having to work in a hostile environment just because you don't want to go out with someone.
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Noez 🇸🇪 4 years ago
I hate when guys do "cute" stuff like that, blocking my path so I can't leave. Out in my ordinary life I can usually handle guys like that, but in a work place it's a whole different thing. I've worked a lot with security at festivals which is usually a male dominated job, and the way I've been treated has been very much like what this guy describes here, my coworkers (guys) often see me as someone they can flirt with, a plaything, not a colleague. Good that this guy here realized what he was doing!!
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 4 years ago
In my 20's I worked in a warehouse for a bit. Same situation there. Maybe 1/20 female to male ratio. Only stayed for a few months.
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Sasha Kuleshov 4 years ago
I would have punched him at the end of the day for freaking me out :I
Kellyann Conway 2 weeks ago
Men need to stop treating the world like it’s their singles bar
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deanna woods 4 years ago
Blocking someone's path just makes you appear aggressive even if that is not your intention.
CatWoman312 4 years ago
You’re very lucky she didn’t complain to HR on you. It’s good you learned your lesson, but never do stuff like that as it can cause you to lose your job
Ylianova Modesto 4 years ago
My husband, which is why I love him, always says, “If a woman is interesting in you, she’ll let you know, you’ll just need to wait. And if she doesn’t let you know, you just move on”...
Mimi M 4 years ago
Generally I'd agree, the only problem with that idea is that a girl/woman being friendly with you does not mean she has a romantic interest in you. Better to check.
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#9
My brother used to catcall women ALL THE TIME until once when I was with him. He was driving, I was the passenger, and he yelled out to a woman in another car about how hot she looked. I turned to him and said very casually yet matter-of-factly, “You know, women hate it when men talk to us like that. It’s not flattering, it’s objectifying and disrespectful.” He got quiet, his eyes glazed over, and I saw him taking in what I’d just said. It had simply never occurred to him that what he was doing could be seen as anything other than flattering. He never, ever did it again, and I saw him grow into an extremely respectful person over the next couple of years.
Sometimes all it takes is someone to make them aware. This is why women call on men to call out their guy friends for this type of behavior. Some men look at women as objects, and they don’t take us seriously. But, the same thing coming from your sister or one of their guy friends? Completely different reaction.
Carol Emory 4 years ago
It took my sister saying "You and your husband are two of the most selfish people I know" for me to realize that my husband and I were constantly putting our needs ahead of our son's. We changed our attitude and, a year later, my son was diagnosed with Autism. It was very important for us to put our son's needs first.
StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
Amazing that so many men actually need to be told that women are people, and have feelings. People who live in a world where the other half of the population can easily physically overpower them. And even then, some refuse to get it.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
He did this in the car with his sister there? Fück that’s so gross and trashy. And of course the guy only started to care when his relative said it was bad. I bet that’s not the first time someone told him he was a creep. He doesn’t have the empathy to give a shít until it’s his own family. I bet he wears those ugly curved sunglasses.
Tabby_Sohee 4 years ago
I really can’t understand how or why men think that calling a stranger “sexy” or “hot” is a compliment. It’s creepy. Generally speaking, the person that will be left the most PHYSICAL harm after an assault will be the female. Now, I’m not saying that one gender will suffer more than the other if someone is assaulted without consent, but women have a natural instinct to protect their bodies, and when a stranger or even someone you know comments about their body or anything like that, it’s not flattering, it’s uncomfortable.
Vicky Z 4 years ago
This is why these things should be taught from a young age, if not from parents then from schools! It's far more important than some super advanced math that you will never use again! And will make our world better! If people don't know the limits they should learn, and that goes for women also because there are a lot that still think this is compliment, when it's not!
Alejandra Lima 4 years ago
I think he surely knew that was disrespecful, but he just changed because he felt embarrased after her sister told him. It's like when somebody is laughing at a guy/girl/child, feeling like it's funny until they realize nobody else is laughing with him.
#10
I realized that I wasn't a knight in shining armor, and they weren't princesses to be adored and saved. Instead of trying to ingratiate myself with them, I stopped giving a f**k and just started casual conversations. If they gave curt responses and standoffish body language, I politely exited the conversation and moved on.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
How hard is it? If the body language and tone of voice says "I'm not interested" move on. A lot of men still need to learn the actual words "I'm not interested" mean move on. As my other half says, have some dignity.
Vuun 4 years ago
How hard is it to read body language and tone of voice? Very hard for a lot of people.
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Gillian Copsey 4 years ago
His deliberate choice of words like curt and standoffish to describe women's responses to him 'just starting casual conversations', still massive red flags for me.
debster 4 years ago
Some men think that just making eye contact is an invitation and that you are interested. Huge egos.
Honu 4 years ago
Yep. And when you work with the public in a service job, you have to make eye contact and smile at people. It's astounding how many men misinterpret basic professional courtesy for interest.
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Scagsy 4 years ago
There is a real problem in society with this false ideation of men needing to 'save' 'helpless' females. If you think about it that's exactly what all our fairytale books told us as kids.
Lisa Reuss 4 years ago
"I stopped giving a f**k..." This guy still doesn't get it. It sounds like he thinks this is all about him, and how he changed his behavior (if he did) to help himself, not because he believed the women didn't like it. Now he "gives women the chance" to show their interest or not, and if not he just "doesn't give a f**k" and walks away. He thinks that upsets the women. He's not being respectful; he's just being a different kind of jerk.
WhatEvenIsLife 4 years ago
I hate to stereotype, but so many men don't seem to know how to read body language, and it's super troubling. It's been my personal experience that women know instantly when another woman is uncomfortable, yet the guy making them uncomfortable always seems oblivious.
#11
I used to do that smirk thing when talking to women. I thought it projected confidence, but then someone I worked with told me I should watch the creeper vibe, so I had to take a hard look at my mannerisms. Man, that must have been scary and off-putting. I’m sorry I did that, everyone
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
That is so off putting and smarmy! I’m glad he stopped. He was insecure and trying to distract or overcompensate
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I see a smirk and I think: . Why is this person smirking?! What's going on in their head?! EEK.
Dove Wood's 1 year ago
I was talked into giving My Ex a second chance He started giving me that creepy smirk I was so scared I didn't know what to do Our son put him out for other bad behavior So I never had to deal with it I never had anything to do with him again
Laura Maeflower 4 years ago
People just need to cut the crap and be themselves. Stop trying "moves" and trying to put on a sexy and confident act. Nobody wants that!
#12
Saw this answer some time ago It was this dude that tried to confess to the girl he liked by going to her apartment and make her dinner with candles,flowers and all that s**t But then the girl came home and the first thing she said was " are you going to kill me"
Candace Fitzpatrick 4 years ago
What was he thinking? It’s very wrong for any person to let themselves into someone else’s home without permission, regardless of their gender. That’s B&E and it’s a crime!
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
I wish men could understand that something *all* women learn as they grow up is that the moment a man has indicated a sexual interest in you then you chances of harm have shot through the roof. That harm may be verbal humiliation right up to being killed.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
This guy watches too many sitcoms. That’s an insane thing to do to someone when you haven’t been given permission to their home.
Winx 4 years ago
Guy that liked me in high school convinced my sister to let him into my room and he covered my bed with roses and romantic notes. Would have been sweet from someone I liked, super creepy from someone I was not interested in. When a girl says no, that doesn't mean "try harder"
Happy_Pandalover 4 years ago
Apparently he somehow got into her appartment without her knowing. He thought he‘d surprise her, bit she was actually scared... Like i would be. Of course he meant no harm.
AlmightyOne 4 years ago
How to confess properly: wait awhile and get to know them a bit better, then tell them you like them
Samantha Power 4 years ago
If I came home to that I would also be scared (if I didn't know about it beforehand)
#13
Learning that pickup artistry is a massive grift meant to gamify social interactions with women for men who are socially isolated. Every pickup-artist tactic is just weird, toxic emotional abuse. Not only does it not work, but if it DID work, it would be morally abhorrent to do it
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
This will go to the bottom so no one will read this, but this post reminds me of another. Where a girl wanted to talk to a cute guy so badly, but she brain farted and her pickup line was "So do you like bread?" They married and for their anniversary he turned her line into a work of art which he hung on the wall. It was super cute and one of the only times that a line actually worked.
Shawn Barry 9 months ago
that line is from Eddie Izzard 'dressed to k**l'
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Being a “pick up artist” is something incels see as a skill they can learn to get women, but actually it’s just a scam that turns normal social interaction with women into a game that everyone loses.
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Thorfin Wolfsbane 4 years ago
was thinking about the pickup line: "did it hurt when you fell from heaven". Realized you're calling her a demon/devil
Ella Greenman 4 years ago
I hate when people flirt with me, because I am aroase. If a woman looks like she likes you, maybe use a pickup line, but just a average girl is not who you should do that to.
François Carré 4 years ago
I never really tried it when I was younger because I thought I'd suck at it. Now I'm aware that IT sucks.
russell orem 7 months ago
i always remember my ex learning about negging and pickup culture and saying "how does this possibly work? who the hell would this work on?" me: your friend sarah W, definitely. Ex: .................................oh yeah you're right it totally would
Brandy Grote 4 years ago
Can't we just give all these PUAs a Playstation and a dating sim and a sex toy? Let those of us who actually want a human connection do so in peace!
Robert Baldwin 4 years ago
Don't hate the game, hate the player. Because without the player, there is no game.
#14
I went out drinking with a bunch of my fellow Marines. We were all in our early to mid twenties and some of us were Very good looking (not me). At the end of the night only one of us had gotten any numbers and that one guy had gotten several. He was like 5'6" (167cm) and more or less looked like a 12 year old. Took me a while to figure out why this was the case.
When I realized that he was the only one of us that didn't look dangerous A Lot of things started making sense.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Military boys can be the worst. They can be very up themselves and forceful. It isn't just unattractive but, as this man worked out, a huge red flag to keep well away as tactfully as possible.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
If you need to flex and swagger, you're not attractive. Any gender applies.
Signe Manat Hansen 4 years ago
I have approximately 10 friend requests sitting in my inbox on Facebook from American soldier boys, none of whom I've ever talked to in my life. They do not have any respect for boundaries. Military boys SUCK.
BusLady 4 years ago
Asking a women if you can buy them a drink usually means "If I get you drunk, will you go home with me?"
Roxy222uk 1 year ago
Or "My aim is to exploit your condition once I've got you drunk"
Load More Replies... *insert funny name* 4 years ago
Can someone please explain this post. (I have a vague idea about what happened but I'm not 100% sure.)
Salty Old Woman 4 years ago
The guy with the baby face got all the phone numbers because he didn't look intimidating. I'm thinking maybe he also didn't act intimidating. So the first guy realized that many women really do steer clear of men that come off as even a little intimidating.
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Kate Koppen 8 months ago
there is hardly anything more scary than a _group_ of military guys. We know what men do overseas.
Pamela Blue 1 year ago
I believe this comes down to the fact that men who behave "macho" are best avoided. They need to flex and be the playboy, etc., etc. - the kind of man most women avoid in a bar situation to be sure.
#15
I figured out that my being gay doesn’t change things. I never made a point to be careful about not making women uncomfortable because I always knew that I had no sexual intentions toward them and that they didn’t need to worry about any advances or anything.
Of course, that didn’t mean they knew that; or if they did, it didn’t change the fact that I’m a man and there are appropriate ways to behave around people.
Scagsy 4 years ago
And it all boils down to those eight words; 'there are appropriate ways to behave around people'
Kate Koppen 8 months ago
and a lot of people (including my ADHD b*m) have no idea what those are.
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Bettina Krumböck 4 years ago
Imagine women like ppl that got bitten by dogs already.. and such selfish guys like "but my dog only wants to play, no harm". Respect the experiences of other people.
Robert Larson, LPN, JD 2 weeks ago
Being noticeably gay, I can honestly say I've never had any issues with women. A lot of the men (just so we are clear, STRAIGHT men) I've known have always been amazed at how women just "love" me. They, straight men, don't realize how they love me because I'm not a threat to them. They, women in general, will tell me all kinds of things. It is really a blessing to meet a women and she instantly is herself with me, funny-catty-vulnerable-interested in me. I have no problem or issue with suddenly engaging a woman if a guy is being a t**d, let him think her "man" is a flaming homo.
Ayia Grace 4 years ago
I've had a man flirting with me, I answer, "Sorry, I'm a lesbian." he just smiles and say, "Oh, don't worry I'm gay." (I don't know how that would help.) I just walked away to my car and drove to my gf's house..
#16
I'm not the creeper. My friend was. We were out at a bar and he walked up to a girl and brushed her hair with his hand. How he explains it, he started to say, 'You have beautiful hair,' then got punched in the face by the girl and kicked out of the bar.
We met him at the car after about 10 minutes of realizing he was gone — blood all over his face and just ashamed. I was with my wife and we were both confused as to why he would touch a stranger. He is now married and not a creeper. That was the night that opened his eyes to realizing that women are equals and not toys
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
If you can’t keep your hands to yourself, expect people to take that as a violent action and respond likewise.
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
It isn’t a petting zoo. And that’s not even a good introduction line. She knows her hair looks good, what else is new.
Daria B 4 years ago (edited)
It could be a nice start if he approached her in an appropriate way. Like when we women approach each other just to give a compliment sometimes. A polite greeting followed by a "I'm sorry if it sounds strange, but, I have to say it, your hair looks amazing." (Maybe also "What shampoo are you using?") Anyway, you get the point.
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Bettina Krumböck 4 years ago
The second ignorant part is, that the woman had to "speak his language" and punch him to be safe. NO woman likes to be brutal or hurt her hand on a creep´s face. I live of my hand´s skills. I smack creeps against posts or kick their feet so they drop one shot. Staying in a fun mood with my friends is preferred.
MusicalCatTroll 4 years ago
I’m looking forward to smack ‘me in the face with my martial arts skills :D
Load More Replies... deanna woods 4 years ago
You don't touch someone that you don't know in an attempt to flirt. That's something that is basic common sense.
Cynthia Bonville 4 years ago
HATED when men would touch my hair, it is part of me and not... I am not a pet. Still do.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Good on her. In many states in the US, touching a person without permission is *battery*, and assault doesn't even require physical contact. He was lucky she didn't call ocps on him .
brukernavn340 4 years ago
I first read it as if it was the woman that brushed her hair, so I thought the reaction was a bit overkill. But then I reread it.
#17
Reading many posts about how pervasive a problem it is for women to have men leer or subject them to microaggressions. Hearing it all named, and hearing how unsettling it is for people, made me reexamine some of my behavior toward women. Please do keep taking about it — it works!
Samantha Power 4 years ago
It is really good you are aware of this. For myself being on dating sites can be very unsettling indeed, it is astounding how aggressive some men can be on them.
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
Maybe there should be a public forum on dating sites where women can complain about interactions as long as they don't name names. Maybe then, the dating sites would be a better place to be and meet actual nice guys
Load More Replies... Stille20 4 years ago
I get really sick of the term "micro aggression". Because it falls into the realm of hard to detect and makes the perpetrator feel powerless to stop it. Hands to yourself and realize everyone deserves equal respect. If you can ask yourself, would I do this if they were someone else (a man, white, a friend, your sister etc) then you shouldn't have to worry to much about "micro aggression"
Signe Manat Hansen 4 years ago
I get really sick of men assaulting me and my friends but what else is new
Load More Replies... Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
A microaggression is a small, subtle thing someone can do that ends up intimidating another person. A great example is when men “guide a woman through the door by touching the small of her back” 🤮 But it’s hard to call a man out on this because he’ll be all, “Whhaaaaattt. I didn’t do anything wroooooonnng!” Because technically he didn’t assault or insult the woman. And she really has no recourse and he can make her look bad if she tries to call him out. “What a biiiiitch, I was juuust being a gentleman!” 🤮
Load More Replies... Amanda Reinstatler 7 months ago
Thank you for sharing this! Perspective helps a lot for women too!
#18
I had what I can only call a grand moment of realization. There was a girl who I was acquainted with, and she was obviously, obsessively, and weirdly into me. Being at the state of peak neckbeard that I was, I was desperate for a girlfriend. But for whatever reason I was not into the idea. I knew her too well, and although she was interested in me, I was NOT interested in her.
I spent a long time thinking about wether I should start seeing this girl I wasn’t attracted to... then it clicked for me: Sometimes people just aren’t into you. That’s okay, and it’s actually a good thing not to have to say yes to a relationship just because someone thinks they’re qualified to date you.
That moment back in 2009 changed my perspective so much, and I was able to realize that other people have and deserve their own autonomy.
Pam Wilson-Hallinan 1 year ago
"QUALIFIED to date you? What type of comment is that? Just state that you're not interested - your personalities didn't mesh. OMG
Salty Old Woman 4 years ago
No. Just no. He's saying he figured out what he'd been doing to women after he experienced it firsthand. He learned and grew. Don't be a d**k.
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#19
A girl told me she wasn’t interested because I did something creepy and she felt uncomfortable about it. I had no idea it was a creep move at the time. I’d never had that feedback, and I’m very happy she provided it, when she could have just ghosted and moved on. For those wondering, it was Facebook stalking. My young, ignorant self thought it would be cool to surprise her with my knowledge, because that showed I cared enough to learn about her. The real boundary crossing was me asking about other guys she’s friends with who made flirty comments on her pics
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Oooof. That would have come across as very possessive and a huge alarm would have gone off in her head. Thank goodness she felt secure enough to tell you.
Noez 🇸🇪 4 years ago
Ooooof indeed. Facebook stalking is almost the new normal but not normal enough to talk about it 😬
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Cringe city. To be fair to him, social media is weird as fûck and everything is on display. Since that’s not normal in any way, people react to it weirdly and in his case, creepily.
Niffler_13 4 years ago (edited)
I mean I do a google search to make sure the guy isn't a psycho, but I don't tell them. Has saved me in several occasions (one guy was 15 years older than he claimed to be and had been recently arrested for endangering a child, the other was engaged and his engagement photos popped up and the last was arrested for assault).
CatWoman312 4 years ago
Yeah that’s super creepy and obsessive behavior. Definitely not attractive at all.
Lululoohoo 4 years ago
Doesnt matter if it's private if they're already on your friends list
Load More Replies... #20
I used to have this older man always flirt & be unprofessional towards me at work when I first started, I was around 24 years old. After i had enough of his weird comments & flirting, I told him that he has a daughter the same age as me (which was true because he'd talk about his family at times) and that how would he like it if some older man was talking to his daughter like that and making sexual comments to her. He became less weird and flirtatious and more "regular" holding normal conversations. He moved shifts so I don't even see him anymore
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
Not sure he took the lesson, or is now creeping on another shift?
Amber Larson 4 years ago
I'm hoping he realized the issue but became too embarrassed by it that he needed to switch.
Load More Replies... Susan Trevaskis-Owen 4 years ago
Unfortunately, even that doesn't deter some men. My husband's cousin is an example of that. We were at a beach party (his youngest daughter's birthday), and I called him out for ogling & making sexual comments about a teenager (not someone in our group; a complete stranger) when she removed the cover-up for her swimsuit before going in the water. I asked how he would feel if men talked that way about *his* teenage daughter, to which he nonchalantly replied, "Oh, I'm sure they already do." Later the same day, a friend of his daughter joined the party & he spent several minutes telling her how beautiful she was, and how she had "blossomed," and that she was a real woman now, etc etc. After waiting in vain for either his wife or my husband to tell him to knock it off, I told him he was being a creep. The instant that I had his attention, the friend made good her escape and never returned to the party.
Salty Old Woman 4 years ago
Oh, that's creepy as f*k. Good for you for helping that girl get away.
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#21
Being called out. Directly and specifically.
I had absolutely no idea that there was anything off about my behavior. I thought nobody was picking up on how horny I was. I thought nobody knew. I thought I was smooth AF.
But some specific things I did were called out (touches on the arm, inappropriate topics of conversation, things like that) and I realized holy [cow], I have been a total disrespectful creep.
And everyone knows it.
I don't miss my teen years. Don't miss 'em at all.
On the plus side, it encouraged me to strive for a life where I'm 100% genuine and don't want anything from anyone.
Oskar vanZandt 4 years ago
This bit is a little concerning "a life where I'm 100% genuine and don't want anything from anyone." There is nothing wrong with wanting something from someone, the problem lies in expecting something in return. If you are open and honest in your intent, and respect people's boundaries, everything should be fine.
Mowgli808 4 years ago
Maybe I misinterpreted that line, but I read “don’t want anything” as “have no sexual expectations.” When I tell a guy I’m genuinely trying to establish a platonic friendship with, I often use the verbiage “I don’t want anything from you” when I sense sexual tension or an advance. It may be idiomatic to my region, but it’s understood to mean “nothing sexual.”
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Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
"I was young once, and I wasn't good at it."- Detective Fish, the Barney Miller show.
#22
I have five sisters, and hearing them talk about something creepy a guy did really made me check my own actions.
Also, I think a lot of us were just hormonal teenagers with a typical, insane libido. Getting called out normally works
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago (edited)
No, female teenagers have insane libidos too and yet we managed to just have sex or masturbate without creeping out the people we’re interested in. Don’t blame your hormones for your assholery.
François Carré 4 years ago
Sure, but it's not about blaming hormones. It's about girls and boys not being raised equally, and teenage boys feeling entitled to let their hormones speak and never getting actually called out because of that stupid "boys will be boys" thing. Parents, just educate your sons, don't wait until they become creeps and girls have to bear that burden.
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Mowgli808 4 years ago
This is an issue of socialization and behavior reinforcement & how it’s not only vastly different between male & female teenagers, but how there are punitive consequences for the male to use appropriate behavior. It’s changing, yes, and accountability is key to change, but lessons in managing and therapies to control teenage male hormones are still really patriarchal, sexist and predatory. Yes, we are all equally responsible for our actions, but when it comes to normal teen angst, the messages are polarized by gender construct. I was told by family doctor to “find a nice girl” to deal with my teen angst (I failed miserable on that front, being queer) & my sister was told to talk to her close friends or lean on female relatives. Same doctor, same age, different approaches.
Parmeisan 4 years ago
You're not *entirely* wrong, as there are some behaviours that are okay vs not okay depending on whether or not you're interested in the person doing them. (Sometimes could be related to attractiveness, but not always). e.g. compliments. This isn't creepy in itself, but continuing despite a lukewarm reception becomes creepy. Also, there are many behaviours that are creepy no matter who does them, and will cause someone to lose interest very quickly. e.g. excessive Facebook stalking, lewd jokes, uninvited touch. So no, creepy is not just another word for unattractive.
Load More Replies... #23
This sounds weird to me now, but I actually grew up in a household that valued back, neck, and shoulder rubs. I did this for a long, long time to people I was friends with (men and women). In my head, it was just a way of saying I cared. In retrospect, it undoubtedly gave off a super-creepy vibe.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
You earnt the right to do this with your family growing up, but hadn't yet earnt that right with other people.
Henry Cheves 4 years ago
And your family should've let you know about this.
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Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
Textbook creepy. It’s not the shoulder rub, it’s doing it unprompted and not getting permission. Or even asking for permission honestly. What an awkward thing to do.
Jakoba Wallmeier 4 years ago
I would say it mostly depends on the way it was done. I received neck rubs from a male friend in a platonic way and it was quite nice. However somebody start touching my neck without asking beforhand or from behind without me notic him, or her, I would definite hate it.
Aunt Messy 4 years ago
No. No one likes to be manhandled by a stranger. Ever. You NEVER touch another person with out permission. Most women would stand still if some guy randomly grabbed them by the neck and started rubbing, because in that situation, there is nothing they can do to prevent the guy from choking them.
Load More Replies... Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
Yea, 12y old me had a geography teacher who did this, whenever answering a not-for-the-whole-class question of any boy. Never the girls. It didn't end well as these boys became 14-15y old non-docile boys... so yeah same action but different intent is hallmark creepy.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
UGH, do not offer me a "rub" of any kind. My husband and the masseuse have that right. Everyone else, PAWS OFF!
Sarah Grape 4 years ago
i dont think this is your fault. i called one of my friends weird once because my family is the quirky kind that considers that a compliment. people just grow up in different cultures and you cant beat yourself up over it
ALEXIS CISNEROS 3 years ago
my family does that too, my mom is also in the habit of calling me " turd muffin"
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Peggy Perry 4 years ago
Like Cuomo today, with some people excusing his actions with "he's Italian, it's what he's used to". But he's not in Italy, or even in an Italian restaurant. I have fellow church members who hug and cheek kiss as a regular habit because that's how their family was. But I grew up different, and it took a while to understand that was how they showed affection and longer to accept it.
#24
Talking to women, becoming friends with women, changing my circle of friends, growing up, learning empathy, and the final nail in the coffin was sobriety
Oskar vanZandt 4 years ago
"...and the final nail in the coffin was sobriety" odd turn of phrase to use here?
Abhainn 4 years ago
nail in the coffin in which he buried his lesser self. Kudos to him :)
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Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Becoming friends with women. From birth onwards we must help our boys see girls as primarily other people they can be friends with. Instead, when a four year old boy is friends with a four year old girl people fall over themselves to announce they are boyfriend and girlfriend and turn the relationship into something else. The damage starts very early and even well meaning adults help cause it.
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
God that’s so disgusting and I know people don’t mean it that way but it just sounds like pedophilia / sexualizing children. Encouraging boyfriend / girlfriend and kisses and stuff in small kids is so backwards.
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 4 years ago
My husband was a big guy in high school. As much as he wanted a girlfriend, it wasn't in the cards. Oddly enough though, he was best friends with most of the girls to the point where many of their boyfriends got in fights with him thinking he was trying to steal them away. Turned out, my husband was just a good listener. Girls would come to him with their problems and he would be a shoulder to cry on. When he explained it to their boyfriends, you saw a lot of attitude adjustments. I can't help but think of how many relationships he saved simply because he gave them insight on how to properly treat a woman.
Tom De Paul 8 months ago
Yeah, and he was gay, too. Sorry, I'm just kidding.
Load More Replies... #25
I had ruined 2 friendships in a week cause I was getting blackout drunk and trying to sleep with them. That’s also what made me realize alcohol is terrible.
Suzanne Clark 4 years ago
Good that you recognized that early on. Blackout drunk just gets worse with age...I've seen it up close.
BusLady 4 years ago
I have too. My youngest son is a long term alcoholic. He's been in treatment centers, and has had therapy and meds. It took me a long time to realize that I can't help him. It's heartbreaking when a loved one suffers from alcoholism.
Load More Replies... brukernavn340 4 years ago
Alcohol isn't terrible. It's your relationship to alcohol that is terrible.
LesAnimaux 4 years ago
What's most alarming here to me is the sentence: "...and trying to sleep with them." Like... did you politely ask (probably not since you were drunk)..
Marcellus the Third 4 years ago
The alcohol is mostly an excuse. The interesting thing is that the consequences of excessive alcohol are quite cultural: If everybody accepts it leads to violence then you get violence. E.g. in Japan, there's the idea that blind drunk you lose inhibitions so you'll tell your boss what you really think, not that you'll start fights. And so it happens, drunk office karaoke functions as "anonymous management review" time often, next day everyone acts as if nothing happened. And just like elsewhere, good managers take review on board bad ones won't.
Dagmara Gorczyńska 7 months ago
Alkohol nie jest okropny i nie mas tu nic do rzeczy. Można go pić codziennie, wystarczy się nie upijać i być uczciwym - nawet jeśli się upijemy.
Annette Oinenen 4 years ago
I was on the receiving end of a similar experience, w.a guy friend. Who shortly after got sober & properly apologized
JimiB09 4 years ago
He's opening up, admitting he made mistakes and has actually learned from his mistakes. I think you're the terrible one
Load More Replies... #26
Growing self-awareness that I wasn't the center of the goddamn universe. I went through a chasing-potential-girlfriends-too-hard phase in my young adult years — including mistaking simple offers of friendship and work colleague status for actual interest.
It wasn't 'stalking' level and it never reached the point of discipline (or even commenting), but it was probably to the point of being a little unprofessional and uncomfortable for the girl involved.
Peggy Perry 4 years ago
I often wish part of sex ed (in the schools that bother to have it) would include sessions on "A girl's smile is not an offer to stroke your body. Her interest in your conversation subject is not a sign she is interested in your body. Agreeing to a meal with you is not a sign she has agreed to trade that meal for sex. A prostitute will tell you upfront what her services cost. If cost is not mentioned, do not expect sex as part of the evening. Hope, even ask, but do not expect, and if you insist, do not complain when nasty consequences result."
Winx 4 years ago
I've been told by several guy friends that if I'm nice to a man he will think I'm flirting. Guys, sometimes we are just nice people, and we are not interested in dating you. Please learn the difference.
Salty Old Woman 4 years ago
Seriously! I shouldn't have to change myself and act like a bitch, just so that a man won't think I'm hitting on him.
Load More Replies... SkippyJohnJones29 8 months ago
"a little unprofessional and uncomfortable" ....I guarantee it was more than a little for the girl
#27
Looking back I was like most other males born in the 70’s and did not know better. I then became friends with women and learn what women want in a person. The coup de grace was when I was hanging out with some gay men who flipped the creepy vibe on me. The result was a bumble date voted me the most charming man she dated.
BusLady 4 years ago
I remember the 70's. Almost every job I ever had, there were men who felt that they had the right to touch me, make obscene remarks, ask me out, etc. That was the social attitude then. If you complained about it, you were blamed for it. There were no sexual harassment laws then, so men knew that they had nothing to lose.
cassiushumanmother 4 years ago
It is the right expression, it killed his old "unappropriate" self. Coup de grâce means the last thing to achieve a figurative death too.
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Laura Smith 4 months ago
How about owning your behavior instead of trying to say "like most other" males, when people say that they're really trying to minimize their b******t
Ms.GB 4 years ago
This is the same way a friend of mine learned, he was followed around all night by a large man that aggressively flirted with him even though he had expressed that he was straight. The next day he told me he realized that he had been that way with women before and he suddenly realized how uncomfortable he had made them.
#28
In middle school, I was a mid-puberty, horniness-stricken little perv. I didn’t do a good job concealing it, either. I would always get really close to my one friend because I liked her at the time, and looking back, it was so wrong to do
Ulrike Sponagel 4 years ago
Growing up is hard. All of us made mistakes because we wanted to look cool and act aloof. I assume it is very tough for men, more often than not, girls will mercilessly poke fun at them for trying to get to know somebody. It can't be easy, trying to find a girlfriend and finding out the hard way how not to do it. A little understanding and quite a heap of courage to show one's true self might help on either side.
Jeff Bryant 4 years ago
Show me a person who doesn't regret their middle school behavior... We are all unfinished people.
#29
My creepiness came from not knowing how to talk to girls, not anything predatory. I think a lot of guys are like that. I wasn’t particularly creepy but I look back on some stuff I did or said that I thought was smooth or flirty but looking back at it now I’m like wow I was actually being creepy lmao.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
The secret is to talk to women as if they are humans primarily. About normal human stuff. And from the way they respond to you you can start to feel as if they might be interested in you too. Also, and it's weird to have to tell guys this, but you can also work out if you actually still fancy them now you're chatting. Yes, you might be physically attracted but are they a bit racist? Are they hundred percent into a life style that isn't for you?
Carol Emory 4 years ago
I think a lot of the behaviors these guys express are misconceptions they learned from parents and people they idolized on TV and entertainment. They're trying so hard to be suave, not realizing that most of what they see is not real. Unconsciously we teach boys to be macho and girls to be pretty. We need to teach them to drop the vibratos and treat each other with respect.
Luther von Wolfen 4 years ago
I think many/most guys don't want to be creepy, and don't realize they are. A little bit of empathy and reflection can be very enlightening.
Tobias Buhl 4 years ago
i remember at some point in my teens a friend told me that he always was amazed at how well i could talk to girls, i was a bit confused initially because for me gender doesnt really matter when making conversation, if you are someone i find interesting i will talk to you. so talk to women as if you would anyone else? it cant be that hard?
SkippyJohnJones29 8 months ago
you don't take this seriously... you're making an excuse and then the lmao really shows how serious you are about it, being a (former?) creeper is not amusing
Peggy Perry 4 years ago
I've had conversations with other authors re: "How do I write a character of the opposite sex?" Huh? They're human, aren't they? How do you write characters of your own sex? Do you only talk about how many women you've had sex with among your male friends? Do you only talk about the pain of childbirth with your female friends? If you do, for heaven's sake, expand your world. I've met thousands of strangers in my life, and never had a bit of trouble having a conversation that interested us both and did not make either of us uncomfortable.
Csaba Horvath 4 years ago
I ended up with avoiding interactions with women because you cannot know when you aren't welcome, and i'm not a mind reader. MGTOW is a sympathetic philosophy.
Xylle Flora 4 years ago
A lot of men say they don't know how to talk to girls, but I think most of us don't want special treatment, we want to be treated equally and be able to have a conversation with men like we do with women.
What do you think ?
Samantha Power 4 years ago
This was a good article. I am a female and have been stalked more times than I can remember. What I would like to point out is so many men can not take no for an answer, if I politely decline a man who is interested in me and I am not interested in them, they can get angry, verbally abusive and bombard me with messages and whining emails asking why I don't like them (of course I block them) but they can reappear under a different name. Because you are attracted to a person, it does not guarantee that they are attracted to you.
Happy_Pandalover 4 years ago (edited)
Agreed. It's about accepting that the other person doesn't need to like you back. I've also made the experience, that men would ignore my NOs and later they'd still say i had been flirting with them or sending explicit signals, while i'd always said no. Some even said i had tricked them, but i said NO from the start. Once i told a male friend about my "problem" and they'd be like "Why won't you take it as a compiment. Many men are into you." Ehh no. It's not a compliment if a person ignores your feelings.
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Happy_Pandalover 4 years ago (edited)
I‘m always happy for anyone, regardless of their gender, who realizes something and moves on to become a better person. Heads up for the guys for their self reflection. I also like the fact, that some realized their behaviour was also hurting themselves. I know people usually don‘t mean any harm (most of the time they want to be extra helpful or friendly). But if your plan involves invading a person’s privacy, most of the time it‘s not a great idea. A guy i barely knew sent me invitations to an event per mail - without further notice. I never gave him my address, he found out by stalking me online. He thought, i’d be happy about his effort, but he just creeped me of. Maybe it‘s because i had a bad experience before in the past (i was stalked, which was way worse), but i just don‘t like to be oberwhelmed.
Random Anon 4 years ago
Growing up looking like a girl gave me a perspective my guy friends did not have. Like, that movement tracking stare is no good. They never listened to me and I get it. Not much weight coming from another dude. It's until they themselves got girlfriends they began recognizing the body language that is threatening to a woman by sensing the discomfort in their partners. I guess it's better late than never.
Doggo Froggo 4 years ago
My father looked like an attractive girl from his teens to 30s so he got to see how women can be treated by strangers with catcalling etc and, of course, always keeps his actions in check. That experience probably helped a lot (but I think he would be the same if he hadn't had that experience, tbh)
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June 4 years ago
One day I matched with a guy on tinder... He seemed really cool until he said something like "well, if she doesn't consent that's less fun". "Man. You're talking about RAPE." He never realized. Biggest red flag ever, rape culture is creepy as hell. The last thing I told him: "that's wrong. I'd never feel safe with you". He never got it.
Doggo Froggo 4 years ago
Dodged one BIG bullet there and I am glad for you
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renee brack 4 years ago
I had tears in my eyes reading these posts. It's the first time I felt there was hope for the future - that education and epiphanies then behaviour improvements in were possible. My life was hell from age 8 because of unwanted male attention. As a middle-aged woman, I'm single and live alone because a monkish existence became preferable and idealised compared to what the horrors of coupledom presented over the decades. Oh, the stories I could tell..
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
A guy in college called me constantly, then got an arm around me in tutoring situation (I was tutoring him) and kissed me without permission... I flipped out, went out the window (first floor). He called me a psycho b*tch. Nobody asked him what caused me to dive out a window fearing for my safety. (Hmm. An arm suddenly restraining me, mouth on my face.... While I'm explaining molar weights?!)
Josh Tall 4 years ago
I really want to know how these guys learned this behavior. I grew up the oldest of 4 boys, raised by a single mom and was just afraid of girls. I never thought, for once that being aggressive or very forward was a good move.
Izzy 4 years ago
But why did you see them as different at all? No judgment, I just wish I understood this better.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 4 years ago
It's great that these men came to a realization. But some men, when you point out what not to do, get really defensive and say something like "Well, I guess I can't talk to women ever again, then.", or "Well I guess I can't ask a woman out on a date at work or I'll get fired".
Fiona C 4 years ago
Tell them if that's what they have to do to not be creep then yes
Load More Replies... Samantha Power 4 years ago
This was a good article. I am a female and have been stalked more times than I can remember. What I would like to point out is so many men can not take no for an answer, if I politely decline a man who is interested in me and I am not interested in them, they can get angry, verbally abusive and bombard me with messages and whining emails asking why I don't like them (of course I block them) but they can reappear under a different name. Because you are attracted to a person, it does not guarantee that they are attracted to you.
Happy_Pandalover 4 years ago (edited)
Agreed. It's about accepting that the other person doesn't need to like you back. I've also made the experience, that men would ignore my NOs and later they'd still say i had been flirting with them or sending explicit signals, while i'd always said no. Some even said i had tricked them, but i said NO from the start. Once i told a male friend about my "problem" and they'd be like "Why won't you take it as a compiment. Many men are into you." Ehh no. It's not a compliment if a person ignores your feelings.
Load More Replies... Happy_Pandalover 4 years ago (edited)
I‘m always happy for anyone, regardless of their gender, who realizes something and moves on to become a better person. Heads up for the guys for their self reflection. I also like the fact, that some realized their behaviour was also hurting themselves. I know people usually don‘t mean any harm (most of the time they want to be extra helpful or friendly). But if your plan involves invading a person’s privacy, most of the time it‘s not a great idea. A guy i barely knew sent me invitations to an event per mail - without further notice. I never gave him my address, he found out by stalking me online. He thought, i’d be happy about his effort, but he just creeped me of. Maybe it‘s because i had a bad experience before in the past (i was stalked, which was way worse), but i just don‘t like to be oberwhelmed.
Random Anon 4 years ago
Growing up looking like a girl gave me a perspective my guy friends did not have. Like, that movement tracking stare is no good. They never listened to me and I get it. Not much weight coming from another dude. It's until they themselves got girlfriends they began recognizing the body language that is threatening to a woman by sensing the discomfort in their partners. I guess it's better late than never.
Doggo Froggo 4 years ago
My father looked like an attractive girl from his teens to 30s so he got to see how women can be treated by strangers with catcalling etc and, of course, always keeps his actions in check. That experience probably helped a lot (but I think he would be the same if he hadn't had that experience, tbh)
Load More Replies... June 4 years ago
One day I matched with a guy on tinder... He seemed really cool until he said something like "well, if she doesn't consent that's less fun". "Man. You're talking about RAPE." He never realized. Biggest red flag ever, rape culture is creepy as hell. The last thing I told him: "that's wrong. I'd never feel safe with you". He never got it.
Doggo Froggo 4 years ago
Dodged one BIG bullet there and I am glad for you
Load More Replies... renee brack 4 years ago
I had tears in my eyes reading these posts. It's the first time I felt there was hope for the future - that education and epiphanies then behaviour improvements in were possible. My life was hell from age 8 because of unwanted male attention. As a middle-aged woman, I'm single and live alone because a monkish existence became preferable and idealised compared to what the horrors of coupledom presented over the decades. Oh, the stories I could tell..
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
A guy in college called me constantly, then got an arm around me in tutoring situation (I was tutoring him) and kissed me without permission... I flipped out, went out the window (first floor). He called me a psycho b*tch. Nobody asked him what caused me to dive out a window fearing for my safety. (Hmm. An arm suddenly restraining me, mouth on my face.... While I'm explaining molar weights?!)
Josh Tall 4 years ago
I really want to know how these guys learned this behavior. I grew up the oldest of 4 boys, raised by a single mom and was just afraid of girls. I never thought, for once that being aggressive or very forward was a good move.
Izzy 4 years ago
But why did you see them as different at all? No judgment, I just wish I understood this better.
Load More Replies... Seabeast 4 years ago
It's great that these men came to a realization. But some men, when you point out what not to do, get really defensive and say something like "Well, I guess I can't talk to women ever again, then.", or "Well I guess I can't ask a woman out on a date at work or I'll get fired".
Fiona C 4 years ago
Tell them if that's what they have to do to not be creep then yes
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