Husband Wants A Divorce After Finding Wife’s “Go Bag”, Gets A Reality Check Online
Accidents can strike at any moment, which is why some people like to be prepared for any scenario. Whether it’s a hurricane, a fire, or a relationship crisis, it’s a good idea to have a “go bag” that you can quickly grab in a hurry.
Redditor Sadhusbandry’s wife was one of those people who kept it just in case something happened. But when her husband found it, he became very defensive and accused her of distrusting him. Without any faith left in their relationship, he didn’t see it continuing.
It’s a great idea to have a “go bag” in case of emergency
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But when this husband found it in his home, it led to him wanting a divorce
Image credits: Andrew Neel / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anon
Having a “go bag” can save a person’s life
Those who have heard about the concept of a “go bag” might be aware that it’s not only packed in case of natural disasters or accidents but can be an important safety precaution in abusive relationships. Of course, most people don’t expect to end up in one. However, it can be tricky to avoid it, as violent individuals tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship.
Unfortunately, occurrences of violence in relationships are more common than some might think. On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by their partner in the US.
This equates to more than 10 million women and men a year.
A person with a history of such relationships might also feel the need to keep a “go bag” even though they have moved on and currently have a healthy bond with their significant other.
A team of husband and wife, Charley and Tracy Vega, are experts in violence prevention and survival, and they made it their mission to educate people when to grab a bag and go. They run a self-defensive workshop, “Simple Self Defense for Women,” where they make safety easy by teaching people to escape an attack instead of staying and fighting.
The Vegas say those in abusive relationships need to be prepared in advance and keep this type of bag packed. The contents of it may mean the difference between life and death. The starting line is to gather important paperwork, like a copy of an ID, passport, Social Security card, driver’s license – anything that shows where you’re currently living.
There is more to packing a “go bag” than meets the eye
They also recommend leaving personal cell phones behind and keeping a prepaid disposable one in the bag, as they are more difficult to track. Having cash on hand can help in case they need to go to a hotel or get a taxi. In addition, it’s also a good idea to include a spare key to the car and the house and keep essentials for the family in there.
The Vegas suggest that another smart thing to do is to pack some of the abuser’s things inside. In case they discover it, you can call it an emergency kit for natural disasters. But if it’s possible to leave it to someone you trust – that would be the safest option.
Ellen Siler, the CEO of Hubbard House, a shelter for victims of domestic abuse, urges people to leave copies of some of the things outside the home. If they are taken by a violent partner and those documents were your only ones, you’re back to square one.
The Vagas also note that women should be aware of “tracker apps” installed on their phones without their consent. Which just adds another reason to leave it behind.
No one supported his view on the matter
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing!
Follow Bored Panda on Google News!
Follow us on Flipboard.com/@boredpanda!
Hi, glad you swung by! My name is Austėja, and I’m a writer at Bored Panda. With a degree in English philology, I’m interested in all aspects of language. Being fresh out of university, my mission is to master the art of writing and add my unique touch to every personal story and uplifting article we publish. In my time here, I’ve covered some fun topics such as scrungy cats and pareidolia, as well as more serious ones about mental health and relationship hiccups. When I’m not on my laptop, you’ll probably find me devouring pastries, especially croissants, paired with a soothing cup of tea. Sunsets, the sea, and swimming are some of my favorite things.
Read more »
I am a Visual editor at Bored Panda, I'm determined to find the most interesting and the best quality images for each post that I do. On my free time I like to unwind by doing some yoga, watching all kinds of movies/tv shows, playing video and board games or just simply hanging out with my cat
Read more »
Not all abusers are loud. And given how quickly he throws away the marriage (with a child, no less), he doesn't give off good vibes. Also, did anyone notice that "we have mould" and "tidying up" doesn't fit? I bet he used the mould as an excuse to go sniffing through her things. Again, not the actions of a man as good as he himself claims he is.
leaving the marriage doesn't sound like an abuser thing to do imo. the abuse would be to make her pay for the "betrayal", slowly and painfully while still be married....
No actually. Threatening to leave. Threatening to apply for custody of a child. Taking assets and savings. Exercising financial control. Abusers love abusing from the sidelines too.
That's very interesting about abusing from the sidelines. Do people ever become abusive because they feel they've been abused?
Hi Rahul. In my experience yes but its not simple or straight forward and the type of abuse, the age of victim, the position of power of the perpetrator are all relevant. Generally speaking, people who were abused as children can become abusers because it's a learned behavior. This can be the result of intergenerational trauma and is very hard to break the cycle. People who end up in abusive relationships as adults don't tend to become abusers in subsequent relationships - they can of course, but its not common. More often than not though - someone who has been a victim of abuse either as an adult or a child is more susceptible to being abused again because they have already been pre-conditioned to have no boundaries or confidence.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
"Taking assets and savings" "My grab bag" Out of context those sound written by one person. Lol but you hate one amd espouse the other, oh and habe ignored all my posts about actually dealing with Dv.
When I told my (now) husband about my go bag he said if it makes you feel safe, I am happy for you to do whatever you need to do. Husband's response in this scenario is all about him. Sounds like this woman was right to have a go bag.
If my partner had made practical arrangements to leave me, I wouldn't feel like she actually wanted to stay.I would think she really didn't know me. Yes, the husband's reaction is about him. That's ok, he is part of the relationship. If the relationship is ALL about her, that's not sustainable. If this was the other way around I'm sure the comments would be very different.
When you grow up in domestic violence home, and you work in family law, you KNOW, that violence can happen out of seemingly nowhere. You also know that a man who was charming, kind and attentive can snap for no apparent reason, and you know that more often than not you can do nothing about it until its too late. Women taking steps to protect themselves is not about you. And yes, #notallmen but its enough men to mean the threat is real. By responding the way he did, my husband (then boyfriend) showed me A. He respects my feelings. B. He wants me to feel safe and C. He did not feel threatened by my need to protect myself. I no longer have a go bag.
Facts seem to shunned in BP. The bias is the same as for for example health care workers. What you face in your environment are biased to consider what they see to be prevalent because they face certain events and phenomenons more frequently then some other people. Down vote all you want. Down voting in BP is a form of bullying trying to silence opinions that differ from the one making the downvote. It's kind of pathetic Imo.
When you grow up in domestic violence home and you work in family law you're biased because you see the worst of it. There's an actual name to that bias which I can't remember atm. It definitely doesn't sound like she was in any kind of threat. She has right to have a such bag but he also has a right to feel distrusted
I get your point. I still dont agree with it. I no longer have my go bag because after 15 years of marriage my husband shows up for me with empathy and understanding. This husband went straight to threatening divorce. It just reinforces that she is not safe and actually needs the go bag.
There's a lot of reasons a go bag makes practical sense. Including just a plain old emergency like a house fire. To get caught up a plan to leave you is faulty. What if you kick her out? Should she not get life insurance because you think it falsely means she expects you to die soon? Of course not, that would a foolish way to view it. That's all a go bag is: insurance in case something unexpected comes up and she needs something to grab and go. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Let alone trust or faith in you.
I'm in a country where this is not a common thing, it's not discussed all over my social media feeds, etc. However, if I felt the need to have a go bag (which I'd not heard of until today), I think at the point of prepping it I'd be questioning should I be in that relationship.
Many women have go bags even before they meet their partner. They have them for home invasions and medical emergencies. In most cases it is NOT ABOUT THE MAN THEY ARE DATING. It is about their vulnerability and being prepared. Men who are kind and secure, who have empathy and respect for their partner, understand this and do not loose their s**t and end their marriage over it.
Thanks for the education Lenka. As I said, it's not common where I live. It's very clear this is something close to you and I fully appreciate that. I am fortunate not to have been in an abusive relationship, nor am I at even low risk of a home invasion, however I've had many many medical emergencies and I can throw my stuff in a bag in under 5 minutes. We all have our perspectives, I appreciate you sharing yours.
There's no sign that the relationship is all about her. And the fact that he's insisting everything is fine and he's such a great guy is telling. If your relationship is truly secure so far and there's absolutely nothing that could be interpreted as abusive, why is her having an emergency go back so important? It wasn't even really hidden. It was merely a precaution stashed openly in a wardrobe, unless... If it was truly hidden away, which that guy didn't say, he insisted it was just in the wardrobe, but if it was hidden and he had to actively search hidden corners to find it, then there's a problem. But it's again with him, not her. Finding a go back is like finding an insurance policy for a rainy day. Nothing to worry about if you know it's not gonna rain. Just a safety feature that's hopefully unnecessary. You shrug and go on, maybe laugh about it if you're truly sure you'll not gonna abuse her. But if you're balking just because insurance exists, I wonder what you're hiding.
"You shrug and go on, maybe laugh about it if you're truly sure you'll not gonna abuse her" I disagree. Most men (I presume) are not aware of women's safety threats. Most men don't spend a thought on their safety leaving the house and when hearing what precautions women take, they're shocked. It doesn't even come to their minds because this is never an experience they're confronted with and it's still not being discussed openly enough. I've never even heard of a go bag, and yes, if I found one in a relationship, my first conclusion would also be that she doesn't trust me and feels the need to prepare. I don't know what I would have done in OP's situation, guess it depends on the gf's explanation, but feeling mistrusted and not wanting to be in a relationship, in which trust isn't the foundation, certainly does seem like a reasonable argument at first. The comments here have shed a different light on the situation and NOW I wouldn't mind anymore, but men need to be told these things.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Yep. You're right. It's all about him because he has absolutely no right to know that his own spouse in uncomfortable around him or why his spouse may be uncomfortable around him. He should, as you said below, get past his fragile masculinity and move on as if nothing is wrong.
"She has a go bag = she doesn't trust me = I can't be with her". So she was right not to trust you. Fragile!
Anyone else get strong “Nice Guy” vibes from this? You know, he’s the calm, logical and rational person going through his wife’s stuff, than decided to divorce her because she’s untrustworthy like all the other females out there…
Load More Replies...
Exactly... The most human and dare I say logical reaction, past the betrayal which IS understandable, would be : "wait.... DID THAT HAPPEN TO HER IN THE PAST? Should we see someone? What did I miss? My partner is obviously distressed, what did I fail to see?" not blaming and certainly not divorce... Red flags... Red flags everywhere, worse than a Soviet parade
"Red flags... Red flags everywhere, worse than a Soviet parade." Lol my new fav saying
Exactly! This kind of fragile masculinity is just toxic b******t. Real men respect their partners feelings.
So...women are allowed to act and react in regards to broken trust, regardless what the core trust issue is but if a man acts or reacts in regards to broken trust they have fragile masculinity?
Both can react, but there is a marked difference in the extent of both reactions. If the go-bag was even a reaction to him, it was an act to prepare for the worst that enabled her to feel comfortable staying in the relationship. Where I live, 34% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partners. It isn't crazy. His reaction is to decide on divorce as soon as he thinks her trust level might not be 100%. If that's his priority, so be it. But it does seem a bit extreme to me.
Honestly, I think she probably doesn't trust him and I think the way he has totally overblown this is exactly why she doesn't trust him. His language that she looses color suggests that she probably is afraid of him and has the bag for a genuine reason. He may not have hit her (yet) but domestic violence is not always physical.
She didn't do anything wrong. Having an emergency plan in place to protect oneself is not breaking trust, it's just ensuring you're protected whatever may happen. Our whole family has individual go bags. It's called being prepared for whatever emergency may come and one of those emergencies could be abuse.
And real women expect their men to respect their feelings, especially those feelings that are never discussed or voiced.
He had the choice to make her doubts either unfounded by being supportive of her measures to protect against the worst possible case (like getting insurance. You dont always do it because you dont TRUST that something isnt going to happen) Or to make them founded. He choose the latter. Imagine if people reacted to getting car insurance the same way (lets pretend its not required) You insured MY car? What you dont trust im a good driver? Its a small measure that requires a one off action, likley done before they were even together and forgotten about. If it was something she made in the last few months i COULD see the thought of "she doesnt trust him." But as it is theres nothing to say it hasn't been around since BEFORE she met him.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
This is not toxic masculinity. This is a person who thought he had close, intimate, and trusting relationship with his wife, and he doesn't. Period. He's hurt. I agree jumping to divorce is extreme, but I understand why he's hurt.
Wouldn’t you feel betrayed if you found out your partner doesn’t trust you? Especially when you didn’t give them any reason not to trust you. You’re making it about toxic fragile masculinity, but it’s not about this. Like I completely understand his point of view. They’re together for 5 years, she should know by now that he’s not an abuser. How many more years does she need to acknowledge that he really isn’t an abuser?
I had a relationship for ten years. He assaulted me because he felt like it. I don't know about you, but I know that if a man turns on me I will always be physically weaker than him. This is not about not trusting her husband. This is about not trusting men in general. This is about not taking the short route at night. This is about asking your girls to let eachother know if they got home safe. This is for all the girls that trusted a guy that wasn't worth it. It doesn't mean a life in fear. It doesn't mean you don't trust the guy that you're with. It doesn't mean s**t will hit the fan. But if it does, you'll know what to do. Just as that smoke detector on the ceiling. I don't expect a fire. I like that peace of mind that if I'm sleeping and there is a fire, the detector wakes me up so I don't have to worry about being burned alive because I'm not paying attention. Having that detector gives me peace of mind, it doesn't mean I don't trust myself with a candle
My ex husband didn't get abusive until I became disabled, 8 years after we married.
Actually she might not know after 5 years. Do you know when abuse becomes prevalent in most relationships? When something changes in the woman's life. A new job can trigger jealously and domestic violence out of the blue. Children. The weeks and months following a pregnancy announcement or the birth of a child can result sudden onset domestic violence. I see it in my family law practice every single day. Controlling behavior is insidious. It creeps up on you and you might not actually notice unless and until you try and enforce a boundary - which can and does result in violence that appears to be out of the blue. Many women will say to me "I don't know where it came from" or "He never hit me before" even after a long term relationship. I have had clients seeking restraining orders because their husband of 10 years lost his s**t when she joined a gym. It's not about trusting your partner. Its about feeling vulnerable and having a plan that allays your fears.
I’m not saying these things are not happening, I’m just saying you can’t blame him for feeling betrayed or disappointed. It’s the same thing with DNA tests for kids. If my partner wanted one, I’d be pretty disapointed or even disgusted too. Because I know I’d never cheat but his only way to be 100% sure the kid is his, is the test. I know that, but it still wouldn’t stop me from feeling this way. I wasn’t trying to say she’s in the wrong! But I also don’t think that he’s the a*****e here..
The feelings aren't what makes him the a*****e. The willingness to divorce his wife, with a 2-year-old child in the mix, with no further effort or discussion is. If they joth need time to process, fine. But pulling the trigger in under a week because you can't try to understand something that hurt your feelings? It does seem like he was looking for a reason.
There are a few key differences between a go bag and DNA test - in my mind at least. The first is that a go bag can save your life. Secondly, a DNA test is deeply personal and requesting one is a direct accusation that you personally cheated on him. A go bag on the other hand is maintained by women before their relationship and in every relationship. It's not personal. At least it never was for me. Maybe my husband is extremely rare? His response to my go bag was to recognize that I needed to feel safe and to reassure me that I was in fact safe. The husband in this case confronts his wife and "her face looses color" then she lies. Momentarily putting aside the fact that to me that indicates she has a reason to be afraid, he then makes it all about him and threatens her with divorce over something she implemented to help her feel safe?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Look at a similarities. Both the bag and the DNA test tell your partner "I have doubts about you and I don't fully trust you." That's going to hurt like hell to hear especially if you never given any reason that you're untrustworthy. Both the bag and the test provide peace of mind. While the test might not save your life like a bag will the test will save you from a soul crushing experience that often gets dismissed as no big deal and keep you from wasting your money and life on a cheating loser. The only way that I can see not being hurt by finding out that your partner doesn't trust you is if you've actually given them a reason not to trust you and you're just happy to have your relationship. That's my take on it and I think both sides matter.
F his "feelings", they aren't anywhere near as important as HER SAFETY.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
No, violence obviously has a clear starting point, but without a brain injury, drug use or psychosis, violence doesn't come out of the blue, there are signs and red flags and indicative behaviours. If those are present get out before violence starts, but people aren't violent suddenly after years without showing controlling and violent adjacent behaviours and traits before.
Sometimes violence does come out of the blue. Sometimes there are warning signs but not always. and mostly, even where there are warning signs, they are missed. My father was, by all accounts nothing short of charming and attentive until my little brother was born. There was some control, passed off as 'protectiveness' but no violence, until he broke my mothers ribs and cheekbone. I am a family lawyer. I see it all the time. One woman said she was in love and would have done anything for husband... and she did. Everything. Until her mother got sick and she wanted to travel home to take care of her. Husband said no. First time she had refused him. Husband cancelled all her accounts and threatened to stab her if she went. 7 year marriage two children. I am not saying this man is like that. I am saying that being afraid of this real and its not unreasonable.
I was dating a 24 year old when I was 15 (not my best decision ever made) and he was never aggressive with me until the 6 month mark when he slapped me so hard I hit the ground. Violence sometimes comes out of nowhere, there was no red flags, everyone loved him and thought he was a nice guy. No drug use, no drinking, no brain injury, and no mental health issues. We cannot paint all people with the same brush.
Some people are amazing deceivers. Those flags dont always appear because they know how to hide them.
It's not a matter of not trusting him, nor of thinking he's an abuser. To me it's like locking the doors of my car when I'm driving. Do I really think there's a carjacker just waiting to nab my 2006 Prius? No, but locking the doors gives me peace of mind. Have I ever had a fire in the house? No, but we still have smoke alarms and fire extinguishers. And *everyone* should have a go bag for emergency situations. My partner & I both have one, just in case.
And it is fragile for a man to assume it's about him. It's really not. Women have go bags set up before they even meet their partners. They have one for any and every relationship. Its not about him. Its about her feeling safe. When I told my husband I had one he was totally fine with it. By responding the way he did, my husband (then boyfriend) showed me A. He respects my feelings. B. He wants me to feel safe and C. He was secure in our relationship and did not feel threatened by my need to protect myself.
A key point in your reply that makes it completely irrelevant to OP's situation. "When I told my husband I had one...". Did you happen to see anywhere above where there was any kind of conversation about it? Did you happen to see the part about OP finding the bag and his wife trying to play it off? Open conversation vs. hiding anything = trust or broken trust.
In this case it is. It's not just about fleeing him, could be fleeing anything and being prepared
I wouldnt. Some abusers can keep up the lie of a perfect partner for decades. I'd say 20 years... even then i wouldnt be hurt. I'd be pissed about all the horrible people because that's whats its about. Horrible people who can masquerade as good, trustworthy people for decades. Realationships that apoeared and felt completely loving for over a decade, only for them to suddenly show their true colours. Its not a testament to me being untrustworthy, but a testament to how well people can lie. If i found their go back I'd just give it back to them; and ask how i can best support them. Do they want to rehide it out of my knowledge just in case? Or would they like to make it a shared emergency bag that we both contribute to?
She very likely put the bag together well before having been married for five years and it's still good to have for emergencies regardless of its original intent. My whole family has go bags. If you're startled awake in the middle of the night by an evacuation order, you're not thinking clearly enough to get everything you need if you don't already have a pack ready. Plus, the whole feeling betrayed when she didn't actually do anything wrong is toxic and maybe there are some other things he does that are questionable, too, that make the go bag remain a valid option. If he takes this that poorly, how does he take other innocuous situations? Is she walking on eggshells not to have him overreact in general? He wants to go straight to divorce over an emergency plan. That's not a reasonable response.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I don't understand the to-go bag. Why is it necessary? Would someone really not leave the house because they didn't have a change of clothes? I agree with having access to some cash though.
They would leave the house without clothes. And they do. Most women who flee DV leave with nothing. Clean undies are always nice though. More importantly than clothes though are documents... passport/ID, birth certificate, bank statements, medical records and of course cash if possible. It can be dangerous to use cards, particularly if you have a joint account because the transactions can reveal your location. You are going to need ID to open new accounts/get a new phone etc etc.
Not all abusers are loud. And given how quickly he throws away the marriage (with a child, no less), he doesn't give off good vibes. Also, did anyone notice that "we have mould" and "tidying up" doesn't fit? I bet he used the mould as an excuse to go sniffing through her things. Again, not the actions of a man as good as he himself claims he is.
leaving the marriage doesn't sound like an abuser thing to do imo. the abuse would be to make her pay for the "betrayal", slowly and painfully while still be married....
No actually. Threatening to leave. Threatening to apply for custody of a child. Taking assets and savings. Exercising financial control. Abusers love abusing from the sidelines too.
That's very interesting about abusing from the sidelines. Do people ever become abusive because they feel they've been abused?
Hi Rahul. In my experience yes but its not simple or straight forward and the type of abuse, the age of victim, the position of power of the perpetrator are all relevant. Generally speaking, people who were abused as children can become abusers because it's a learned behavior. This can be the result of intergenerational trauma and is very hard to break the cycle. People who end up in abusive relationships as adults don't tend to become abusers in subsequent relationships - they can of course, but its not common. More often than not though - someone who has been a victim of abuse either as an adult or a child is more susceptible to being abused again because they have already been pre-conditioned to have no boundaries or confidence.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
"Taking assets and savings" "My grab bag" Out of context those sound written by one person. Lol but you hate one amd espouse the other, oh and habe ignored all my posts about actually dealing with Dv.
When I told my (now) husband about my go bag he said if it makes you feel safe, I am happy for you to do whatever you need to do. Husband's response in this scenario is all about him. Sounds like this woman was right to have a go bag.
If my partner had made practical arrangements to leave me, I wouldn't feel like she actually wanted to stay.I would think she really didn't know me. Yes, the husband's reaction is about him. That's ok, he is part of the relationship. If the relationship is ALL about her, that's not sustainable. If this was the other way around I'm sure the comments would be very different.
When you grow up in domestic violence home, and you work in family law, you KNOW, that violence can happen out of seemingly nowhere. You also know that a man who was charming, kind and attentive can snap for no apparent reason, and you know that more often than not you can do nothing about it until its too late. Women taking steps to protect themselves is not about you. And yes, #notallmen but its enough men to mean the threat is real. By responding the way he did, my husband (then boyfriend) showed me A. He respects my feelings. B. He wants me to feel safe and C. He did not feel threatened by my need to protect myself. I no longer have a go bag.
Facts seem to shunned in BP. The bias is the same as for for example health care workers. What you face in your environment are biased to consider what they see to be prevalent because they face certain events and phenomenons more frequently then some other people. Down vote all you want. Down voting in BP is a form of bullying trying to silence opinions that differ from the one making the downvote. It's kind of pathetic Imo.
When you grow up in domestic violence home and you work in family law you're biased because you see the worst of it. There's an actual name to that bias which I can't remember atm. It definitely doesn't sound like she was in any kind of threat. She has right to have a such bag but he also has a right to feel distrusted
I get your point. I still dont agree with it. I no longer have my go bag because after 15 years of marriage my husband shows up for me with empathy and understanding. This husband went straight to threatening divorce. It just reinforces that she is not safe and actually needs the go bag.
There's a lot of reasons a go bag makes practical sense. Including just a plain old emergency like a house fire. To get caught up a plan to leave you is faulty. What if you kick her out? Should she not get life insurance because you think it falsely means she expects you to die soon? Of course not, that would a foolish way to view it. That's all a go bag is: insurance in case something unexpected comes up and she needs something to grab and go. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Let alone trust or faith in you.
I'm in a country where this is not a common thing, it's not discussed all over my social media feeds, etc. However, if I felt the need to have a go bag (which I'd not heard of until today), I think at the point of prepping it I'd be questioning should I be in that relationship.
Many women have go bags even before they meet their partner. They have them for home invasions and medical emergencies. In most cases it is NOT ABOUT THE MAN THEY ARE DATING. It is about their vulnerability and being prepared. Men who are kind and secure, who have empathy and respect for their partner, understand this and do not loose their s**t and end their marriage over it.
Thanks for the education Lenka. As I said, it's not common where I live. It's very clear this is something close to you and I fully appreciate that. I am fortunate not to have been in an abusive relationship, nor am I at even low risk of a home invasion, however I've had many many medical emergencies and I can throw my stuff in a bag in under 5 minutes. We all have our perspectives, I appreciate you sharing yours.
There's no sign that the relationship is all about her. And the fact that he's insisting everything is fine and he's such a great guy is telling. If your relationship is truly secure so far and there's absolutely nothing that could be interpreted as abusive, why is her having an emergency go back so important? It wasn't even really hidden. It was merely a precaution stashed openly in a wardrobe, unless... If it was truly hidden away, which that guy didn't say, he insisted it was just in the wardrobe, but if it was hidden and he had to actively search hidden corners to find it, then there's a problem. But it's again with him, not her. Finding a go back is like finding an insurance policy for a rainy day. Nothing to worry about if you know it's not gonna rain. Just a safety feature that's hopefully unnecessary. You shrug and go on, maybe laugh about it if you're truly sure you'll not gonna abuse her. But if you're balking just because insurance exists, I wonder what you're hiding.
"You shrug and go on, maybe laugh about it if you're truly sure you'll not gonna abuse her" I disagree. Most men (I presume) are not aware of women's safety threats. Most men don't spend a thought on their safety leaving the house and when hearing what precautions women take, they're shocked. It doesn't even come to their minds because this is never an experience they're confronted with and it's still not being discussed openly enough. I've never even heard of a go bag, and yes, if I found one in a relationship, my first conclusion would also be that she doesn't trust me and feels the need to prepare. I don't know what I would have done in OP's situation, guess it depends on the gf's explanation, but feeling mistrusted and not wanting to be in a relationship, in which trust isn't the foundation, certainly does seem like a reasonable argument at first. The comments here have shed a different light on the situation and NOW I wouldn't mind anymore, but men need to be told these things.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Yep. You're right. It's all about him because he has absolutely no right to know that his own spouse in uncomfortable around him or why his spouse may be uncomfortable around him. He should, as you said below, get past his fragile masculinity and move on as if nothing is wrong.
"She has a go bag = she doesn't trust me = I can't be with her". So she was right not to trust you. Fragile!
Anyone else get strong “Nice Guy” vibes from this? You know, he’s the calm, logical and rational person going through his wife’s stuff, than decided to divorce her because she’s untrustworthy like all the other females out there…
Load More Replies... Exactly... The most human and dare I say logical reaction, past the betrayal which IS understandable, would be : "wait.... DID THAT HAPPEN TO HER IN THE PAST? Should we see someone? What did I miss? My partner is obviously distressed, what did I fail to see?" not blaming and certainly not divorce... Red flags... Red flags everywhere, worse than a Soviet parade
"Red flags... Red flags everywhere, worse than a Soviet parade." Lol my new fav saying
Exactly! This kind of fragile masculinity is just toxic b******t. Real men respect their partners feelings.
So...women are allowed to act and react in regards to broken trust, regardless what the core trust issue is but if a man acts or reacts in regards to broken trust they have fragile masculinity?
Both can react, but there is a marked difference in the extent of both reactions. If the go-bag was even a reaction to him, it was an act to prepare for the worst that enabled her to feel comfortable staying in the relationship. Where I live, 34% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partners. It isn't crazy. His reaction is to decide on divorce as soon as he thinks her trust level might not be 100%. If that's his priority, so be it. But it does seem a bit extreme to me.
Honestly, I think she probably doesn't trust him and I think the way he has totally overblown this is exactly why she doesn't trust him. His language that she looses color suggests that she probably is afraid of him and has the bag for a genuine reason. He may not have hit her (yet) but domestic violence is not always physical.
She didn't do anything wrong. Having an emergency plan in place to protect oneself is not breaking trust, it's just ensuring you're protected whatever may happen. Our whole family has individual go bags. It's called being prepared for whatever emergency may come and one of those emergencies could be abuse.
And real women expect their men to respect their feelings, especially those feelings that are never discussed or voiced.
He had the choice to make her doubts either unfounded by being supportive of her measures to protect against the worst possible case (like getting insurance. You dont always do it because you dont TRUST that something isnt going to happen) Or to make them founded. He choose the latter. Imagine if people reacted to getting car insurance the same way (lets pretend its not required) You insured MY car? What you dont trust im a good driver? Its a small measure that requires a one off action, likley done before they were even together and forgotten about. If it was something she made in the last few months i COULD see the thought of "she doesnt trust him." But as it is theres nothing to say it hasn't been around since BEFORE she met him.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
This is not toxic masculinity. This is a person who thought he had close, intimate, and trusting relationship with his wife, and he doesn't. Period. He's hurt. I agree jumping to divorce is extreme, but I understand why he's hurt.
Wouldn’t you feel betrayed if you found out your partner doesn’t trust you? Especially when you didn’t give them any reason not to trust you. You’re making it about toxic fragile masculinity, but it’s not about this. Like I completely understand his point of view. They’re together for 5 years, she should know by now that he’s not an abuser. How many more years does she need to acknowledge that he really isn’t an abuser?
I had a relationship for ten years. He assaulted me because he felt like it. I don't know about you, but I know that if a man turns on me I will always be physically weaker than him. This is not about not trusting her husband. This is about not trusting men in general. This is about not taking the short route at night. This is about asking your girls to let eachother know if they got home safe. This is for all the girls that trusted a guy that wasn't worth it. It doesn't mean a life in fear. It doesn't mean you don't trust the guy that you're with. It doesn't mean s**t will hit the fan. But if it does, you'll know what to do. Just as that smoke detector on the ceiling. I don't expect a fire. I like that peace of mind that if I'm sleeping and there is a fire, the detector wakes me up so I don't have to worry about being burned alive because I'm not paying attention. Having that detector gives me peace of mind, it doesn't mean I don't trust myself with a candle
My ex husband didn't get abusive until I became disabled, 8 years after we married.
Actually she might not know after 5 years. Do you know when abuse becomes prevalent in most relationships? When something changes in the woman's life. A new job can trigger jealously and domestic violence out of the blue. Children. The weeks and months following a pregnancy announcement or the birth of a child can result sudden onset domestic violence. I see it in my family law practice every single day. Controlling behavior is insidious. It creeps up on you and you might not actually notice unless and until you try and enforce a boundary - which can and does result in violence that appears to be out of the blue. Many women will say to me "I don't know where it came from" or "He never hit me before" even after a long term relationship. I have had clients seeking restraining orders because their husband of 10 years lost his s**t when she joined a gym. It's not about trusting your partner. Its about feeling vulnerable and having a plan that allays your fears.
I’m not saying these things are not happening, I’m just saying you can’t blame him for feeling betrayed or disappointed. It’s the same thing with DNA tests for kids. If my partner wanted one, I’d be pretty disapointed or even disgusted too. Because I know I’d never cheat but his only way to be 100% sure the kid is his, is the test. I know that, but it still wouldn’t stop me from feeling this way. I wasn’t trying to say she’s in the wrong! But I also don’t think that he’s the a*****e here..
The feelings aren't what makes him the a*****e. The willingness to divorce his wife, with a 2-year-old child in the mix, with no further effort or discussion is. If they joth need time to process, fine. But pulling the trigger in under a week because you can't try to understand something that hurt your feelings? It does seem like he was looking for a reason.
There are a few key differences between a go bag and DNA test - in my mind at least. The first is that a go bag can save your life. Secondly, a DNA test is deeply personal and requesting one is a direct accusation that you personally cheated on him. A go bag on the other hand is maintained by women before their relationship and in every relationship. It's not personal. At least it never was for me. Maybe my husband is extremely rare? His response to my go bag was to recognize that I needed to feel safe and to reassure me that I was in fact safe. The husband in this case confronts his wife and "her face looses color" then she lies. Momentarily putting aside the fact that to me that indicates she has a reason to be afraid, he then makes it all about him and threatens her with divorce over something she implemented to help her feel safe?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
Look at a similarities. Both the bag and the DNA test tell your partner "I have doubts about you and I don't fully trust you." That's going to hurt like hell to hear especially if you never given any reason that you're untrustworthy. Both the bag and the test provide peace of mind. While the test might not save your life like a bag will the test will save you from a soul crushing experience that often gets dismissed as no big deal and keep you from wasting your money and life on a cheating loser. The only way that I can see not being hurt by finding out that your partner doesn't trust you is if you've actually given them a reason not to trust you and you're just happy to have your relationship. That's my take on it and I think both sides matter.
F his "feelings", they aren't anywhere near as important as HER SAFETY.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
No, violence obviously has a clear starting point, but without a brain injury, drug use or psychosis, violence doesn't come out of the blue, there are signs and red flags and indicative behaviours. If those are present get out before violence starts, but people aren't violent suddenly after years without showing controlling and violent adjacent behaviours and traits before.
Sometimes violence does come out of the blue. Sometimes there are warning signs but not always. and mostly, even where there are warning signs, they are missed. My father was, by all accounts nothing short of charming and attentive until my little brother was born. There was some control, passed off as 'protectiveness' but no violence, until he broke my mothers ribs and cheekbone. I am a family lawyer. I see it all the time. One woman said she was in love and would have done anything for husband... and she did. Everything. Until her mother got sick and she wanted to travel home to take care of her. Husband said no. First time she had refused him. Husband cancelled all her accounts and threatened to stab her if she went. 7 year marriage two children. I am not saying this man is like that. I am saying that being afraid of this real and its not unreasonable.
I was dating a 24 year old when I was 15 (not my best decision ever made) and he was never aggressive with me until the 6 month mark when he slapped me so hard I hit the ground. Violence sometimes comes out of nowhere, there was no red flags, everyone loved him and thought he was a nice guy. No drug use, no drinking, no brain injury, and no mental health issues. We cannot paint all people with the same brush.
Some people are amazing deceivers. Those flags dont always appear because they know how to hide them.
It's not a matter of not trusting him, nor of thinking he's an abuser. To me it's like locking the doors of my car when I'm driving. Do I really think there's a carjacker just waiting to nab my 2006 Prius? No, but locking the doors gives me peace of mind. Have I ever had a fire in the house? No, but we still have smoke alarms and fire extinguishers. And *everyone* should have a go bag for emergency situations. My partner & I both have one, just in case.
And it is fragile for a man to assume it's about him. It's really not. Women have go bags set up before they even meet their partners. They have one for any and every relationship. Its not about him. Its about her feeling safe. When I told my husband I had one he was totally fine with it. By responding the way he did, my husband (then boyfriend) showed me A. He respects my feelings. B. He wants me to feel safe and C. He was secure in our relationship and did not feel threatened by my need to protect myself.
A key point in your reply that makes it completely irrelevant to OP's situation. "When I told my husband I had one...". Did you happen to see anywhere above where there was any kind of conversation about it? Did you happen to see the part about OP finding the bag and his wife trying to play it off? Open conversation vs. hiding anything = trust or broken trust.
In this case it is. It's not just about fleeing him, could be fleeing anything and being prepared
I wouldnt. Some abusers can keep up the lie of a perfect partner for decades. I'd say 20 years... even then i wouldnt be hurt. I'd be pissed about all the horrible people because that's whats its about. Horrible people who can masquerade as good, trustworthy people for decades. Realationships that apoeared and felt completely loving for over a decade, only for them to suddenly show their true colours. Its not a testament to me being untrustworthy, but a testament to how well people can lie. If i found their go back I'd just give it back to them; and ask how i can best support them. Do they want to rehide it out of my knowledge just in case? Or would they like to make it a shared emergency bag that we both contribute to?
She very likely put the bag together well before having been married for five years and it's still good to have for emergencies regardless of its original intent. My whole family has go bags. If you're startled awake in the middle of the night by an evacuation order, you're not thinking clearly enough to get everything you need if you don't already have a pack ready. Plus, the whole feeling betrayed when she didn't actually do anything wrong is toxic and maybe there are some other things he does that are questionable, too, that make the go bag remain a valid option. If he takes this that poorly, how does he take other innocuous situations? Is she walking on eggshells not to have him overreact in general? He wants to go straight to divorce over an emergency plan. That's not a reasonable response.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I don't understand the to-go bag. Why is it necessary? Would someone really not leave the house because they didn't have a change of clothes? I agree with having access to some cash though.
They would leave the house without clothes. And they do. Most women who flee DV leave with nothing. Clean undies are always nice though. More importantly than clothes though are documents... passport/ID, birth certificate, bank statements, medical records and of course cash if possible. It can be dangerous to use cards, particularly if you have a joint account because the transactions can reveal your location. You are going to need ID to open new accounts/get a new phone etc etc.
45
168