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“Thank You, I Guess”: Man’s ‘Surprise’ After Wife’s Getaway Weekend Doesn’t Go As Planned
Marriage can be difficult for many couples. And because things can get extra tricky sometimes, taking a breather through a short vacation can be helpful for a much-needed reset.
In today’s story shared by Reddit user AskingHard, his wife went on a weekend getaway. With a list of chores, he decided to finish everything before his spouse returned. But he failed to complete one task after hurting himself while working, causing disappointment to his wife.
Now, he has turned to the internet for answers. Was he wrong for not getting everything done? Or should his wife have been more understanding, instead?
RELATED:
Arguments and heated moments between spouses are inevitable
Image credits: Anete Lusina / pexels (not the actual photo)
A husband decided to complete some tasks and chores at home as his wife went on a weekend getaway
Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
But he threw his back out while completing a chore for one of his son’s rooms
Image credits: George Milton / pexels (not the actual photo)
The OP provided more details to his story for added context
Image credits: AskingHard
He also answered some questions
The husband expected appreciation, but instead, he got a cold shoulder
The situation between the original poster and his wife isn’t new among married couples with children. Research has shown that spouses report lower marital satisfaction when they become parents.
Outside of studies, anecdotal evidence says the same. Author Gemma Hartley thought she and her husband would be “better equipped” to handle the challenges of married life. It all changed when they had children.
“It didn’t take long after I gave birth to realize just how wrong I was,” Hartley wrote in an article for Romper. “Our once easy marriage suddenly became incredibly difficult, and because we had always enjoyed such an effortless relationship, I didn’t know how to cope. Neither did my husband.”
But what about having kids causes that sudden shift? Holly, a Canada-based mother, spoke to BBC, blaming the division of labor with her husband as the primary trigger of their fights.
“I had an emergency C-section. My body was falling apart. I was feeding two babies 24/7, not sleeping. And if one of them was crying, he would be like, ‘Oh, they just want you.’ I had so much rage towards him.”
Image credits: Mike Greer / pexels (not the actual photo)
Love cannot thrive without understanding one another, experts remind
Based on the OP’s account, there seems to be an apparent lack of understanding between him and his wife. For veteran psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., understanding holds a slightly heavier importance than love.
“Well-adjusted couples work and learn to understand one another’s evolving needs as the years go by. Alternatively, couples who bite the dust and divorce typically have suffered a breakdown in understanding, also known as empathy,” Dr. Bernstein wrote in an article for Psychology Today.
The OP admitted he was expecting a “boatload of appreciation” from his spouse. Meanwhile, his wife refused to help with the household duties because “she deserved a break.” Dr. Bernstein also spoke about this kind of situation in his piece.
“Our egos are what seem to get in the way of understanding those who we love and care about. Often, it is our need to be right that makes what others think and feel so wrong for us.”
Image credits: Thirdman / pexels (not the actual photo)
The comments section was divided. Those who sided with him lauded him for doing work despite the back pain
But those who went against him didn’t feel he deserved the appreciation from his wife
The husband shared his final thoughts about who he thinks was in the wrong
Image credits: Nataliya Vaitkevich / pexels (not the actual photo)
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What do you think ?
Szzone 1 year ago
Yeah everyone who says YTA needs to touch grass and I bet you would be infuriated if you spent your weekend doing things for the household and your partner, who was away on a fun weekend, didn't appreciate it. Also if the roles were reversed people would be up in arms.
Sunny Day 1 year ago
Years ago, my dad spent his day off clearing the dandelions from the back yard. He used a nail remover (I think it's called - like a curved screwdriver with a v-shaped end) and spent about 6 hours on his hands and knees in 90°F sunshine, and cleared the roughly 7000sqft back yard of yellow weeds. He finished right before my mom got home from work. He took her to the back door to show his accomplishment. And she said "oh. You didn't do outside the fence?". He opened the door and went back out in the sweltering heat to do "outside the fence" for Her Ladyship.
Load More Replies...
Upstaged75 1 year ago
So she's mad at him for hurting himself? How ridiculous! Obviously he didn't do it on purpose.
lenka 1 year ago
Of course she is not mad at him for hurting himself. There are several parts she is mad at. The first is that he promised her a 'surprise' and expected a 'boat load of appreciation'. He wanted to be put on a pedestal and praised for doing household chores. The tasks accumulated because he didn't do them as and when they arose, and now he wants a prize? I bet she doesn't ring him at work and say "I've got a wonderful surprise for you" only for him to come home to a pile of clean folded laundry. She is ALSO mad because presumably the sons bedroom now looks like a renovation zone and is not suitable for sleeping. She is right... he should have started it on the Saturday when the kids were not going to be home and needing to sleep in the bedroom on the Saturday night. Now its the end of the weekend and she has a half done bedroom, a kid without a room and an incapacitated husband. Yay.
Load More Replies...
Claire Elise 1 year ago
OK. I have one thing to say, and I know a lot of you are not going to be on the same page as me with this, but I'm going to say it anyway: What is a shiplap???
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Makes me think she spent the weekend complaining about her life and didn't want to go back to it.
Momma Jess 1 year ago
She's an asshat. Why does the order in which the things get done matter? What does it hurt to show someone appreciation for something they've done? Why be a jerk about the stuff not done yet? It's not going anywhere, it'll get done. My roommate sucks at domestic things, and is self admittedly lazy AF, and though the amount of things I do around the house outweighs what she does by a LOT I STILL thank her profusely for doing what she does when she does it, because it costs me nothing to say thank you and provide some positive reinforcement...
RP 1 year ago
She should have checked he was ok and thanked him for the effort because it's important for both sides to articulate that they have seen the work the other partner does. A little 'thank you' never hurts. BUT none of these things were 'for her'. They were all for the house and the children they share. These were his responsibility and not a present. So NTA for being disappointed at a lack of concern and appreciation but YTA for phrasing it like he was doing her a favour for which she should be grateful.
Secret Squirrel 1 year ago
If your reason for not showing love and appreciation is that you don't get shown any, please do some deep thinking about whatever is wrong with your relationship. Who would want to marry you or your spouse?
Jackie Lulu 1 year ago
I'm appreciative of anything my husband does around the house! He's quite handy and it's nice that we rarely have to hire a contractor. We are not always on the same page as to priorities, but if he's doing the work, he wins. It can be frustrating, but not a big deal!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She was gine for a long weekene and she wasbt excitednto seem her family. I cant inagine this. Eveveryone needs anbrrak but who lives like thar?
whaaaaaaaaaa 1 year ago
Yeah seems like there's deeper problems here than just this post
Load More Replies...
Brent Amador 1 year ago
If your wife isn’t able to get things done before you get home, do you reply with “you should’ve managed your time better?” Or “thanks… I guess”? I highly doubt it, and for her not show appreciation for anything is pretty ridiculous in my opinion. That’s not how a significant other should act. Because I lol bet you anything if the tables were turned, not one person would be on your side.
Just stopping by 1 year ago
The yta views are confusing. I don’t think he should have set it up like some kind of surprise but agree she could've showed a little appreciation. A simple thanks for getting that done kind of thing. In all honesty it sounds like she was disappointed to come home. Showing appreciation on both ends is important in a marriage and he seems to do so and understands how difficult being a stay at home mom is
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
But it WAS a surprise, And there's nothing wrong with it. He surprised her by doing all the jobs that she's probably been irritated with for months. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe wifey expected jewelry or something. In which case SHE's the one who's expectations were unrealistic. She just had a vacation, but expected more?
Load More Replies...
Larry Liebman 1 year ago
NTA Also, these are the actions of a guilty woman. I bet she cheated on him on her little trip.
silverfish imperitrix 1 year ago
She was probably just tired from getting bo ned all weekend. If I were you, I would check up on what exactly happened that weekend with her friends.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
They both live in the house, so what he did was take the project off the shared to do list. That deserves a big thank you, she didn't help with the projectsz he did her portion and now she doesn't have to worry about it. Taking out the trash or bathing the kids deserve a thank you but for big projects more appreciation because those are a pain and now she doesn't have to deal with them.
Load More Replies... David Farmer 1 month ago
F**k EVERYONE here who has something negative to say, and sorry, but this includes your selfish, ungrateful wife...
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
I would not stay with a partner who would behave so callously if I hurt.
Key Lime 1 year ago
I worked full time. My husband worked two weeks away, two weeks home. If I ever had extra work or a chance to get away instead of my husband taking care of things, his Mum would come up and take care of everything including him. Like I can do it all while he is gone for work, but he couldn't handle anything on his days off.
Key Lime 11 months ago
Every time I get away from the house my husband screws something up. I clean the house, do all the laundry and stock up the fridge and cupboards before I leave. I come home to overfed pets, a messy house, empty fridge and something broken. He says he doesn't like to travel, but it seems he doesn't want me to either. Also, if he is sick or hurt he is a total baby. I just want to say that we are in our 60s and have been married for 35 years. He wasn't like this 35 years ago.
Caroline Görtz 11 months ago
I'm guessing she has built up frustrations about other imbalances. But no, I don't think he's the AH for trying to do things and not managing completly. We all need to be forgiving with each other and we can't all be doing everything perfectly. Her inability to respect that he had back pain icks me too. Even if she probably has reasons for being annoyed I would say that she's the AH for not giving him space to try to develop this. We all need encouragement and our partner to be thankful. Maybe he didn't deserve a "boatload" of appreciation, but he deserved more, and she was being too harsh. People need to give each other more love and space than this example! We all develop together. <3
Meagan Glaser 1 year ago
I wonder if all of this comes down to his idea that he did all these things "for her" When it's actually for the family, for the kids, for the home It seems like a stupid distinction, but it's an attitude that can cause some serious problems. He did a lot of stuff, and she should have been appreciative of the work and empathetic about his back. But something about the idea that he fixed a broken drawer just for her, cleaned up his workshop *for her* makes me thing that there's something off here. A broken drawer is "for us" not "for her" unless it's her special mom only drawer or something. Cleaning up his workshop isn't something he did "out of the kindness of your heart" for her, it's something that needed doing and he did. It's his last comments about doing things *for others* and "*out of the kindness of their heart* that left a bad taste in my mouth. Like he was "treating" her to a garage without his mess in it
Crazy boi 678 1 year ago
This is the US so I swear if it had been the other way round people would have drawn some next rifles or s**t
Tanya Kuntz 1 year ago
I would say the couple in this story are both dillholes. first, the wife, for not understanding that throwing out their back is seriously painful and that pain can be a disability in itself. and the husband for not understanding why the wife might not be enthused to find a mess that she has to clean up later after a long, tiring trip back home, especially when said project isn't even done. I can imagine there being wood dust and everything going everywhere in the son's room. I feel that the two of them have very low emotional intelligence.
Captain McSmoot 1 year ago
It appears as though it's time to cut your wife lose. She's reached a level of disrespect that she most likely won't come back from. Count your losses, get the divorce paperwork lined up, sign the damn things, and live your life with your kids.
Royal Stray 1 year ago
Honestly both of them kinda suck here. He shouldn't have called it a surprise when it was a half finished project and minor things, and she shouldn't have been a sarcastic ah about it. I do have a feeling that if he'd just told her that he threw his back out while doing some chores she would have been happy about the stuff he did do. But framing it as some great thing waited for her when she got home and then showing her half finished or very basic things probably wasn't the best move.
Aline 1 year ago
Are all surprises big things? In our house I have a surprise for you is often a baked good or a new article of clothing. Last surprise was a solar lantern for the garden. I don't get the disappointment.
Load More Replies...
CanadianDimes 1 year ago
I was NTA until he said he'd told her he had a surprise for her. I've thrown out my back several times and I know how much it sucks, so she was definitely TA for not being sympathetic towards that. On the flip side, I suspect she was expecting a surprise *for her* based on his wording, something romantic (e.g., dinner). I think if he hadn't said he had a surprise for her and had just done it, she would have been pleasantly surprised and probably appreciative. Both of them had different expectations for what was happening and how the other would react, so I think it's soft ESH and down to a mismatch of expectations and communication.
Load More Replies...
Hester 1 year ago
Yeah... there's definitely some assholery here. On both sides. the expectation of gratitude is a obnoxious. But also, she was pretty rude. She's just had a lovely weekend off, he's done his back, and she treats him like that? BUT, the bit that got me was his last update "Finally, my son's room. Should I have been shown some appreciation for that? I would like to think so.... I wanted to do something nice for her." Pfft.. its the kid's room not hers. He didn't do it out of the kindness of his heart for her!
Jus 1 year ago
Errmm... HIS son's room repairs are not a surprise for her. He showed her what he did as a boy would show it to his mother. She's not his mother. They are partners. He should feel obligated to repair stuff at his own home and for his own family. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our "free time". Which is not free when you have a family. Sorry. All the comments of women "begging" their husbands to do anything at home. Sh*tty husbands, not a comparison material.
jmmorris10 1 year ago
You're both acting like children. Stop it. Do what needs to be done without a gold star every time.
Szzone 1 year ago
Yeah everyone who says YTA needs to touch grass and I bet you would be infuriated if you spent your weekend doing things for the household and your partner, who was away on a fun weekend, didn't appreciate it. Also if the roles were reversed people would be up in arms.
Sunny Day 1 year ago
Years ago, my dad spent his day off clearing the dandelions from the back yard. He used a nail remover (I think it's called - like a curved screwdriver with a v-shaped end) and spent about 6 hours on his hands and knees in 90°F sunshine, and cleared the roughly 7000sqft back yard of yellow weeds. He finished right before my mom got home from work. He took her to the back door to show his accomplishment. And she said "oh. You didn't do outside the fence?". He opened the door and went back out in the sweltering heat to do "outside the fence" for Her Ladyship.
Load More Replies... Upstaged75 1 year ago
So she's mad at him for hurting himself? How ridiculous! Obviously he didn't do it on purpose.
lenka 1 year ago
Of course she is not mad at him for hurting himself. There are several parts she is mad at. The first is that he promised her a 'surprise' and expected a 'boat load of appreciation'. He wanted to be put on a pedestal and praised for doing household chores. The tasks accumulated because he didn't do them as and when they arose, and now he wants a prize? I bet she doesn't ring him at work and say "I've got a wonderful surprise for you" only for him to come home to a pile of clean folded laundry. She is ALSO mad because presumably the sons bedroom now looks like a renovation zone and is not suitable for sleeping. She is right... he should have started it on the Saturday when the kids were not going to be home and needing to sleep in the bedroom on the Saturday night. Now its the end of the weekend and she has a half done bedroom, a kid without a room and an incapacitated husband. Yay.
Load More Replies... Claire Elise 1 year ago
OK. I have one thing to say, and I know a lot of you are not going to be on the same page as me with this, but I'm going to say it anyway: What is a shiplap???
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
Makes me think she spent the weekend complaining about her life and didn't want to go back to it.
Momma Jess 1 year ago
She's an asshat. Why does the order in which the things get done matter? What does it hurt to show someone appreciation for something they've done? Why be a jerk about the stuff not done yet? It's not going anywhere, it'll get done. My roommate sucks at domestic things, and is self admittedly lazy AF, and though the amount of things I do around the house outweighs what she does by a LOT I STILL thank her profusely for doing what she does when she does it, because it costs me nothing to say thank you and provide some positive reinforcement...
RP 1 year ago
She should have checked he was ok and thanked him for the effort because it's important for both sides to articulate that they have seen the work the other partner does. A little 'thank you' never hurts. BUT none of these things were 'for her'. They were all for the house and the children they share. These were his responsibility and not a present. So NTA for being disappointed at a lack of concern and appreciation but YTA for phrasing it like he was doing her a favour for which she should be grateful.
Secret Squirrel 1 year ago
If your reason for not showing love and appreciation is that you don't get shown any, please do some deep thinking about whatever is wrong with your relationship. Who would want to marry you or your spouse?
Jackie Lulu 1 year ago
I'm appreciative of anything my husband does around the house! He's quite handy and it's nice that we rarely have to hire a contractor. We are not always on the same page as to priorities, but if he's doing the work, he wins. It can be frustrating, but not a big deal!
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
She was gine for a long weekene and she wasbt excitednto seem her family. I cant inagine this. Eveveryone needs anbrrak but who lives like thar?
whaaaaaaaaaa 1 year ago
Yeah seems like there's deeper problems here than just this post
Load More Replies... Brent Amador 1 year ago
If your wife isn’t able to get things done before you get home, do you reply with “you should’ve managed your time better?” Or “thanks… I guess”? I highly doubt it, and for her not show appreciation for anything is pretty ridiculous in my opinion. That’s not how a significant other should act. Because I lol bet you anything if the tables were turned, not one person would be on your side.
Just stopping by 1 year ago
The yta views are confusing. I don’t think he should have set it up like some kind of surprise but agree she could've showed a little appreciation. A simple thanks for getting that done kind of thing. In all honesty it sounds like she was disappointed to come home. Showing appreciation on both ends is important in a marriage and he seems to do so and understands how difficult being a stay at home mom is
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
But it WAS a surprise, And there's nothing wrong with it. He surprised her by doing all the jobs that she's probably been irritated with for months. And there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe wifey expected jewelry or something. In which case SHE's the one who's expectations were unrealistic. She just had a vacation, but expected more?
Load More Replies... Larry Liebman 1 year ago
NTA Also, these are the actions of a guilty woman. I bet she cheated on him on her little trip.
silverfish imperitrix 1 year ago
She was probably just tired from getting bo ned all weekend. If I were you, I would check up on what exactly happened that weekend with her friends.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
They both live in the house, so what he did was take the project off the shared to do list. That deserves a big thank you, she didn't help with the projectsz he did her portion and now she doesn't have to worry about it. Taking out the trash or bathing the kids deserve a thank you but for big projects more appreciation because those are a pain and now she doesn't have to deal with them.
Load More Replies... David Farmer 1 month ago
F**k EVERYONE here who has something negative to say, and sorry, but this includes your selfish, ungrateful wife...
Danish Susanne 1 year ago
I would not stay with a partner who would behave so callously if I hurt.
Key Lime 1 year ago
I worked full time. My husband worked two weeks away, two weeks home. If I ever had extra work or a chance to get away instead of my husband taking care of things, his Mum would come up and take care of everything including him. Like I can do it all while he is gone for work, but he couldn't handle anything on his days off.
Key Lime 11 months ago
Every time I get away from the house my husband screws something up. I clean the house, do all the laundry and stock up the fridge and cupboards before I leave. I come home to overfed pets, a messy house, empty fridge and something broken. He says he doesn't like to travel, but it seems he doesn't want me to either. Also, if he is sick or hurt he is a total baby. I just want to say that we are in our 60s and have been married for 35 years. He wasn't like this 35 years ago.
Caroline Görtz 11 months ago
I'm guessing she has built up frustrations about other imbalances. But no, I don't think he's the AH for trying to do things and not managing completly. We all need to be forgiving with each other and we can't all be doing everything perfectly. Her inability to respect that he had back pain icks me too. Even if she probably has reasons for being annoyed I would say that she's the AH for not giving him space to try to develop this. We all need encouragement and our partner to be thankful. Maybe he didn't deserve a "boatload" of appreciation, but he deserved more, and she was being too harsh. People need to give each other more love and space than this example! We all develop together. <3
Meagan Glaser 1 year ago
I wonder if all of this comes down to his idea that he did all these things "for her" When it's actually for the family, for the kids, for the home It seems like a stupid distinction, but it's an attitude that can cause some serious problems. He did a lot of stuff, and she should have been appreciative of the work and empathetic about his back. But something about the idea that he fixed a broken drawer just for her, cleaned up his workshop *for her* makes me thing that there's something off here. A broken drawer is "for us" not "for her" unless it's her special mom only drawer or something. Cleaning up his workshop isn't something he did "out of the kindness of your heart" for her, it's something that needed doing and he did. It's his last comments about doing things *for others* and "*out of the kindness of their heart* that left a bad taste in my mouth. Like he was "treating" her to a garage without his mess in it
Crazy boi 678 1 year ago
This is the US so I swear if it had been the other way round people would have drawn some next rifles or s**t
Tanya Kuntz 1 year ago
I would say the couple in this story are both dillholes. first, the wife, for not understanding that throwing out their back is seriously painful and that pain can be a disability in itself. and the husband for not understanding why the wife might not be enthused to find a mess that she has to clean up later after a long, tiring trip back home, especially when said project isn't even done. I can imagine there being wood dust and everything going everywhere in the son's room. I feel that the two of them have very low emotional intelligence.
Captain McSmoot 1 year ago
It appears as though it's time to cut your wife lose. She's reached a level of disrespect that she most likely won't come back from. Count your losses, get the divorce paperwork lined up, sign the damn things, and live your life with your kids.
Royal Stray 1 year ago
Honestly both of them kinda suck here. He shouldn't have called it a surprise when it was a half finished project and minor things, and she shouldn't have been a sarcastic ah about it. I do have a feeling that if he'd just told her that he threw his back out while doing some chores she would have been happy about the stuff he did do. But framing it as some great thing waited for her when she got home and then showing her half finished or very basic things probably wasn't the best move.
Aline 1 year ago
Are all surprises big things? In our house I have a surprise for you is often a baked good or a new article of clothing. Last surprise was a solar lantern for the garden. I don't get the disappointment.
Load More Replies... CanadianDimes 1 year ago
I was NTA until he said he'd told her he had a surprise for her. I've thrown out my back several times and I know how much it sucks, so she was definitely TA for not being sympathetic towards that. On the flip side, I suspect she was expecting a surprise *for her* based on his wording, something romantic (e.g., dinner). I think if he hadn't said he had a surprise for her and had just done it, she would have been pleasantly surprised and probably appreciative. Both of them had different expectations for what was happening and how the other would react, so I think it's soft ESH and down to a mismatch of expectations and communication.
Load More Replies... Hester 1 year ago
Yeah... there's definitely some assholery here. On both sides. the expectation of gratitude is a obnoxious. But also, she was pretty rude. She's just had a lovely weekend off, he's done his back, and she treats him like that? BUT, the bit that got me was his last update "Finally, my son's room. Should I have been shown some appreciation for that? I would like to think so.... I wanted to do something nice for her." Pfft.. its the kid's room not hers. He didn't do it out of the kindness of his heart for her!
Jus 1 year ago
Errmm... HIS son's room repairs are not a surprise for her. He showed her what he did as a boy would show it to his mother. She's not his mother. They are partners. He should feel obligated to repair stuff at his own home and for his own family. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our "free time". Which is not free when you have a family. Sorry. All the comments of women "begging" their husbands to do anything at home. Sh*tty husbands, not a comparison material.
jmmorris10 1 year ago
You're both acting like children. Stop it. Do what needs to be done without a gold star every time.
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