Woman Refuses To Be A Stepmother To Her BF’s Kids After Their Mother Dies, Gets Told To ‘Grow Up’
A common pitfall of adult dating is the fact that many people often have children from a previous relationship. You can’t exactly date a parent and ignore the children. But at what point does dating transition to co-parenting?
A woman ended up with the responsibility of parenting her partner’s kids thrust upon her when their biological mother passed away. This was too much too soon for her, so she left the relationship and turned to the internet for advice. Netizens debated who was really in the wrong and to what extent can a partner be expected to look after children who are not theirs.
Parenting can be tough, particularly when you didn’t sign up for it in the first place
Image credits: Elina Fairytale (not the actual photo)
One woman decided to end a relationship when her partner wanted her to move in and look after his kids
Image credits: Phil Nguyen (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No_Decision_913
It’s very hard to be a parent against your will
OP was truly put in a difficult situation since it’s entirely possible to see where both her and her BP were coming from. She has no obligation to suddenly be a mom, particularly when she has no connection to the kids. But on the other hand, seriously dating someone with children does mean that their kids will be part of the equation. While that might be a hard pill to swallow, it’s still better than the alternative, a father who is willing to neglect his own kids to get a date.
While OP leaving was no doubt hard for her and her BF at the time, many comments point out the fact that it’s probably for the best. Better to rip that band-aid off early, instead of allowing resentment and unhappiness to build and grow over the years. Similarly, it would probably be worse for the kids to have a new mother figure for a few years that never truly accepts them and suddenly leaves down the line.
OP’s desire to not be a parent isn’t even that uncommon, psychologists have established that many people suffer from parental anxiety. While it’s normally more common in a family that’s expecting a child, it’s entirely possible for a person to suffer from it independently. It’s important to note that this isn’t just some general fear of responsibility, parental anxiety can come with significant long-term mental health risks. And these aren’t just fringe cases, some studies indicate that around 31% of US adults suffer from it.
Both parties need to be honest with each other
Of course, others point out that it would be impossible to date a person with kids without them taking up some of their time. Indeed, would OP even want to date a man who was downright negligent to his own children? While the BF was definitely going too far by asking an unwilling woman to become a mom, the biological mom did just pass, which means that he wasn’t, perhaps, in the best headspace to deal with long-term plans.
OP gives an update later (which can be found below) which could serve as a lesson for many of the people who end up in these sorts of posts. Both parties sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation where they lay their cards out. OP stands her ground, which is good, as the BF seems very insistent on her becoming a mom. While this is a pretty entitled question to ask, it’s worth noting that it’s at least honest. He doesn’t try to hide that he really thinks he needs a person there to be a mother. The alternative, him hiding it and luring OP in, would have simply been worse for all parties involved.
Some readers thought she made the right call
Others thought both parties could have handled the situation better
OP later gave an update
Image credits: Ron Lach (not the actual photo)
Image credits: August de Richelieu (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Pablo Merchán Montes (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No_Decision_913
Readers expressed their surprise at the boyfriend’s behavior
"Because you're a Mom," is incredibly telling. She was not a Mom. It's pretty clear he meant, "Because you're the woman."
... and I don't want to be a full time dad. Please, you do the hard work and I'll be the fun guy for weekends and holidays.
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NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA omg. She didn't "date a man with kids"; she dated a man who only had his children with him on vacations and who also did not want to take care of children. When the kids showed up in his life, the parameters of their entire relationship changed, and she was totally within her rights to renegotiate and decide that she couldn't take the new terms of their relationship. i'm so glad it ended the way it did: best options all the way around.
"Because you're a Mom," is incredibly telling. She was not a Mom. It's pretty clear he meant, "Because you're the woman."
... and I don't want to be a full time dad. Please, you do the hard work and I'll be the fun guy for weekends and holidays.
Load More Replies... NTA NTA NTA NTA NTA omg. She didn't "date a man with kids"; she dated a man who only had his children with him on vacations and who also did not want to take care of children. When the kids showed up in his life, the parameters of their entire relationship changed, and she was totally within her rights to renegotiate and decide that she couldn't take the new terms of their relationship. i'm so glad it ended the way it did: best options all the way around.
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