Mom Asks Daughter To Choose Another Restaurant Because Her Brother Can’t Eat There, Gets Slammed
Reddit user Lanky-Medium4473 and her husband promised their daughter that she could choose any restaurant for her 17th birthday dinner.
However, when the teenager picked out the one she wanted, the mother realized that it would be a bad place to dine for her son due to the boy’s allergies.
So the woman told the birthday girl that it was off limits, causing her to feel hurt and disappointed, as she believed her parents were dismissing her and reneging on their prior agreement.
This woman told her daughter that she could pick any restaurant for her birthday dinner
Image credits: Stephanie McCabe / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But when the teenager did, the mom took back her words
Image credits: Durenne Loris / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Lanky-Medium4473
The teenager’s sadness is understandable
“To keep your promise shows that you have acted as you said you would, that you have kept your pledge, and that your word is good,” psychologist Carl E Pickhardt, Ph.D., wrote. “The power of a promise kept is that it creates reliability, predictability, and security to be counted on, thus engendering trust in the relationship.”
Therefore, to break a promise is to become unreliable, unpredictable, and untrustworthy, meaning that the Redditor’s daughter is completely entitled to her feelings. “Receivers and believers in the promise can feel surprised, disappointed, and betrayed [if it fails due to the other party,” explained Pickhardt, who is also the author of Holding On While Letting Go: Parenting Your Child Through the Four Freedoms of Adolescence.
Image credits: valeriygoncharukphoto / envato (not the actual photo)
“If parents want to encourage promise-keeping in their teenager, they have to model promise-keeping, which consistent parents tend to do, but which inconsistent parents often do not.”
Given that everyone else was ok with the dinner arrangement, it’s difficult to understand why the Redditor was so adamant about changing the venue and wasn’t ready to compromise.
Pickhardt said that promises the adolescent wants include:
- You will hang in there with me during hard times;
- You will listen when we disagree;
- You won’t laugh when I am being serious;
- You will let me earn more freedom as I grow;
- You will welcome my friends;
- You won’t hold past mistakes against me;
- You won’t tease when it’s not funny;
- You will tell me what you believe I need to know;
- You will appreciate what I am doing well;
- You will help me when I can’t help myself;
- You will love me when I do not like myself.
After the mom promised her daughter more freedom, she took it away. Which is a shame, because, according to Pickhardt, “if a parent can rear a teenager who mostly keeps promises to them, and mostly tells them the truth, and the parent mostly does the same as well, then together they can mostly stay communicatively and influentially connected.”
The mother’s post has received a lot of strong reactions
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the kid is 15, even if he wasn't allergic to shellfish I bet he would have still preferred staying home alone with pizza over dinner with the family at a restaurant. Also, the 17 yr old obviously knew about the shellfish allergy but still picked the fish restaurant. My guess is she didn't want the brother there anyway. And 17 year olds would probably prefer to do a birthday thing with their friends over dinner with the family. So while I think the dinner is a nice idea, I think OP needs to acknowledge that the kids are not 10 anymore, they are getting older, and while they still love their parents, the last thing they probably want to do at 15 and 17 is spend time together as a family at a fancy restaurant. So do something to celebrate sure, but maybe not a fancy dinner.
As soon as I read the part that said the son didn’t mind staying home and having a pizza so the daughter could enjoy a meal at the restaurant of her choice, I thought “problem solved!” Mum is kinda TA for insisting. As long as daughter was ok having a meal without her brother then I think mum was kinda TA, but I have empathy for what she was saying about not having the family together for restaurant meals very often. Mum just wanted a nice meal with her family but ended up kind of going against birthday girl’s wishes to try to make that happen.
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YTA.OP’s son did not have a problem.It was only her who made her daughter’s birthday about what she wants instead of listening to what her daughter wanted.
Her daughter would have been so happy eating seafood, which she clearly never gets to eat. Her son was perfectly happy with the pizza solution. There were so many “I” comments in that post so it is obviously only about what OP wants. It wasn’t a birthday dinner. It was a family dinner which they can have any day at home.
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my cuz birthday was the day before mine, but we watched him on my birthday cause his mom would have to work, so i usually got ignored for the "birthday boy" everyone went out got him stuff, even tho the day was mine, this happened for 13 years till he hit 15 could drive and we no longer watched him, and then suddenly , there was no going out at all on my birthday, at least when we went out for his i would get an ice cream while he got cake {yeah on my birthday all the way from 14 till almost 30} iv only had 2 birthdays with out him and only one with my mom... cause last year she passes away 3 month before it a week after my brothers birthday}
I'd also like to know when your birthday is so I can make sure to personally tell you happy birthday on the next one! It's not much, but I completely understand how you could feel unloved and unappreciated when you aren't even acknowledged on the one day you were born. My birthday was this past Wednesday and I literally cried because my finances family, every year, tells all 6 siblings, and their significant others happy birthday. This year, his aunt that I see once a year, his grandma and his dads sister were the only ones to tell me. Not one person in the family group chat told ME happy birthday. I'm pregnant and overly emotional at times and later found out his mom isn't my friend on Facebook (I do remember his youngest sister asking mom in group chat if she deleted her weeks ago, she had no idea what she was talking about, and I assumed she didn't know about me not being her friend anymore too) which means she didn't get the notification it was my bday so didn't tell me and remind
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For my 16th birthday, mom said I could choose what we were having for dinner, along with inviting one guest over. I chose chicken & rice because it was my favorite dish, and my older sister whom I'd not seen in a while. The chicken recipe is made entirely from scratch, and is time-consuming so she rarely made it. Mom made her beef over rice (stew meat cooked in canned soup, served over Minute Rice) because my dad liked that better, and invited a friend of mine that I saw literally six days out of seven instead of my sister. I'll be 60 on my next birthday and I'm still a little salty over that. (Ironically, I make that beef dish fairly often myself since it's a no-brainer & great for cold days, but I never got the recipe for the chicken. Mom never wrote it down, and when I asked her for it she said she'd forgotten how to make it.)
OP was surprised to see that a sea food restaurant had mostly shellfish??
I read it that way, too. I mean, seriously, what was she expecting, pate de fois gras?
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WTF voted that the brother's health is the priority?? He offered to stay home! It's not like his sister was forcing him to go to the seafood restaurant. How ridiculous!
Yikes! YTA. I wonder, when it is your son's birthday, will you insist on a restaurant of his choice even if it is somewhere your daughter will not be comfortable? You had one task - to celebrate your daughter's birthday in a manner of her choice. You blew it big time. Sadly, I suspect that throughout her life you have shown signs of favoring her brother over her. By completely rejecting her choice you presented a very clear and damaging message: your wishes, your needs are second to your brother's needs and wishes. You do not matter as much to me as your brother. HIs happiness and well-being is greatly paramount to your own. What a wonderful way to build resentment and lifelong jealousy.
So, this woman wants to do what she wants for her daughter's birthday. She couldn't care less about her daughter's wishes, as she wants to be the centre of the universe and tell everybody how she wants to celebrate. Definitely the AH.
Someone pointed out all the “I” sentences in the post from OP. I didn’t want to take him there… I knew he wouldn’t enjoy the meal… I was worried about cross contamination (okay I’ll give her that one) I told my daughter that this restaurant wouldn’t work… I want both of our children… I insisted and my daughter chose a different place… …I wanted to do it as a family… How sad for the daughter that it wasn’t about her birthday, but rather what her mother wanted.
If you give your word to someone, you should keep your word. This is especially true for people you are close to. You claim you value family togetherness, but everyone else in the family was fine with taking your daughter to the restaurant of her choice--as promised--and letting her brother stay home with pizza. You are sending the entire family a negative message. Your daughter especially is learning not to trust you.
Promising "Pick any restaurant for your birthday, any place you want!" and then following it up with "Not that one." is a real a-hole move. Don't make an offer you never intended to honor.
If you think your teenage kids care about your fairytale delusions, you are wrong.
You're an absolute a*****e, using the "cross contamination" as an excuse is BS, my son is allergic to red meat, he has never had a problem going out to restaurants, you son is just fine staying home and eating pizza, you have every excuse in the world. You told your daughter she could pick, then when she did, you said no, yea, you suck!!! Imagine looking at the menu at a seafood restaurant and seeing that most of the entrees are *gasp* shell, another excuse, every seafood restaurant I have been to serves chicken, you are exactly the type of parent who always puts one child over the other then wonders why the kid doesn't want to have contact after they leave home! Mom, you're an a*****e, and you blew it, big time!!!
I can see a little of both sides here, but ultimately the son can't go to the seafood restaurant, with an allergy that's just off the table. But-He offered a solution Dad and Sis were fine with! In this case as a parent I'd have taken the opportunity to let the 2 kids come up with the solution they like. Sounds like it would probably would have been a treat for both if they did split up and she got a dinner out and he got pizza.
I have allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten. I do not eat those things. My family still does, I just bring something else to eat. Go out for ice cream? I grab a bag of Skittles or something. Perogies for dinner? I eat gf chicken nuggets. Allergies suck and I do feel for the brother but he offered a viable solution and mom made a fuss for nothing
The root problem here seems to be the assumption that people can read minds. Work on the principle that no one knows anything that you haven't told them. Did the daughter even know about the son's allergy? There is no indication that she did. If the family just didn't eat seafood at home, of course she would pick it for a special dinner out of curiosity. In asking for a different choice, the mother specifically needed to state that it was for the son's shellfish allergy, although that was way too late. The daughter might assume that her mother was lying.
The daughter is being insensitive to other's needs. Allergy to seafood is very serious and it might require hospitalization. She should have considered this before choosing a restaurant. But even after being told, she still was reluctant. She did not care if the brother came or not. If it was my birthday, I would want my entire family to come, participate and enjoy the occassion. The food is not the main item of the occasion, but socialization and bonding are the main items. If food was important, then they could have ordered home delivery of foods from different restaurants to match each individual preference be done with it. I am glad that I do not have a sister like that who does not care if I participated in her birthday.
I go unpopular NTA, daughter is super selfish to choose a restaurant that is possible deathly to her brother. I am sure there is restaurants that are safe for her brother and offer seafood for her. Yes, it is her birthday but they are family and i don't see anything wrong to mom to wanna go out eating as family on their birthdays. No matter if son was ready to settle with pizza and games at home, that is one family member missing on table.
Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't want him there which is why she chose it ? Stop being a helicopter mother and stop wrapping your son in cotton wool, no one is allergic to fish, they just don't like it ..
Maybe she should just ask again. Because she asked her friends who all said YTA, so she asked Reddit, who all said YTA. So logically if she asks once more she will be vindicated and shown to have been right all along.
F@ck sake. Tell the son he can have his pizza, but he has to light a candle on it it and sing happy birthday to her on camera... and give her the video. - There! Lovely moment caught forever! Done. Or some other COMPROMISE!!!! (Some people just love drama though don't they!)
Two things: 1. Yea she shouldn't have done that 2. It's not that big of a deal, her behavior here might hint at other issues, but we shouldn't make guesses. Nobody's going NC over an imperfect birthday dinner, hiccups like these are bound to happen in any relationship
She's wrong, but not an A. She had an easy out and should have taken it instead of insisting on all four being there.
That is what makes her an AH. The mom had an easy out and still doubled down.
Load More Replies... the kid is 15, even if he wasn't allergic to shellfish I bet he would have still preferred staying home alone with pizza over dinner with the family at a restaurant. Also, the 17 yr old obviously knew about the shellfish allergy but still picked the fish restaurant. My guess is she didn't want the brother there anyway. And 17 year olds would probably prefer to do a birthday thing with their friends over dinner with the family. So while I think the dinner is a nice idea, I think OP needs to acknowledge that the kids are not 10 anymore, they are getting older, and while they still love their parents, the last thing they probably want to do at 15 and 17 is spend time together as a family at a fancy restaurant. So do something to celebrate sure, but maybe not a fancy dinner.
As soon as I read the part that said the son didn’t mind staying home and having a pizza so the daughter could enjoy a meal at the restaurant of her choice, I thought “problem solved!” Mum is kinda TA for insisting. As long as daughter was ok having a meal without her brother then I think mum was kinda TA, but I have empathy for what she was saying about not having the family together for restaurant meals very often. Mum just wanted a nice meal with her family but ended up kind of going against birthday girl’s wishes to try to make that happen.
Load More Replies... YTA.OP’s son did not have a problem.It was only her who made her daughter’s birthday about what she wants instead of listening to what her daughter wanted.
Her daughter would have been so happy eating seafood, which she clearly never gets to eat. Her son was perfectly happy with the pizza solution. There were so many “I” comments in that post so it is obviously only about what OP wants. It wasn’t a birthday dinner. It was a family dinner which they can have any day at home.
Load More Replies... my cuz birthday was the day before mine, but we watched him on my birthday cause his mom would have to work, so i usually got ignored for the "birthday boy" everyone went out got him stuff, even tho the day was mine, this happened for 13 years till he hit 15 could drive and we no longer watched him, and then suddenly , there was no going out at all on my birthday, at least when we went out for his i would get an ice cream while he got cake {yeah on my birthday all the way from 14 till almost 30} iv only had 2 birthdays with out him and only one with my mom... cause last year she passes away 3 month before it a week after my brothers birthday}
I'd also like to know when your birthday is so I can make sure to personally tell you happy birthday on the next one! It's not much, but I completely understand how you could feel unloved and unappreciated when you aren't even acknowledged on the one day you were born. My birthday was this past Wednesday and I literally cried because my finances family, every year, tells all 6 siblings, and their significant others happy birthday. This year, his aunt that I see once a year, his grandma and his dads sister were the only ones to tell me. Not one person in the family group chat told ME happy birthday. I'm pregnant and overly emotional at times and later found out his mom isn't my friend on Facebook (I do remember his youngest sister asking mom in group chat if she deleted her weeks ago, she had no idea what she was talking about, and I assumed she didn't know about me not being her friend anymore too) which means she didn't get the notification it was my bday so didn't tell me and remind
Load More Replies... For my 16th birthday, mom said I could choose what we were having for dinner, along with inviting one guest over. I chose chicken & rice because it was my favorite dish, and my older sister whom I'd not seen in a while. The chicken recipe is made entirely from scratch, and is time-consuming so she rarely made it. Mom made her beef over rice (stew meat cooked in canned soup, served over Minute Rice) because my dad liked that better, and invited a friend of mine that I saw literally six days out of seven instead of my sister. I'll be 60 on my next birthday and I'm still a little salty over that. (Ironically, I make that beef dish fairly often myself since it's a no-brainer & great for cold days, but I never got the recipe for the chicken. Mom never wrote it down, and when I asked her for it she said she'd forgotten how to make it.)
OP was surprised to see that a sea food restaurant had mostly shellfish??
I read it that way, too. I mean, seriously, what was she expecting, pate de fois gras?
Load More Replies... WTF voted that the brother's health is the priority?? He offered to stay home! It's not like his sister was forcing him to go to the seafood restaurant. How ridiculous!
Yikes! YTA. I wonder, when it is your son's birthday, will you insist on a restaurant of his choice even if it is somewhere your daughter will not be comfortable? You had one task - to celebrate your daughter's birthday in a manner of her choice. You blew it big time. Sadly, I suspect that throughout her life you have shown signs of favoring her brother over her. By completely rejecting her choice you presented a very clear and damaging message: your wishes, your needs are second to your brother's needs and wishes. You do not matter as much to me as your brother. HIs happiness and well-being is greatly paramount to your own. What a wonderful way to build resentment and lifelong jealousy.
So, this woman wants to do what she wants for her daughter's birthday. She couldn't care less about her daughter's wishes, as she wants to be the centre of the universe and tell everybody how she wants to celebrate. Definitely the AH.
Someone pointed out all the “I” sentences in the post from OP. I didn’t want to take him there… I knew he wouldn’t enjoy the meal… I was worried about cross contamination (okay I’ll give her that one) I told my daughter that this restaurant wouldn’t work… I want both of our children… I insisted and my daughter chose a different place… …I wanted to do it as a family… How sad for the daughter that it wasn’t about her birthday, but rather what her mother wanted.
If you give your word to someone, you should keep your word. This is especially true for people you are close to. You claim you value family togetherness, but everyone else in the family was fine with taking your daughter to the restaurant of her choice--as promised--and letting her brother stay home with pizza. You are sending the entire family a negative message. Your daughter especially is learning not to trust you.
Promising "Pick any restaurant for your birthday, any place you want!" and then following it up with "Not that one." is a real a-hole move. Don't make an offer you never intended to honor.
If you think your teenage kids care about your fairytale delusions, you are wrong.
You're an absolute a*****e, using the "cross contamination" as an excuse is BS, my son is allergic to red meat, he has never had a problem going out to restaurants, you son is just fine staying home and eating pizza, you have every excuse in the world. You told your daughter she could pick, then when she did, you said no, yea, you suck!!! Imagine looking at the menu at a seafood restaurant and seeing that most of the entrees are *gasp* shell, another excuse, every seafood restaurant I have been to serves chicken, you are exactly the type of parent who always puts one child over the other then wonders why the kid doesn't want to have contact after they leave home! Mom, you're an a*****e, and you blew it, big time!!!
I can see a little of both sides here, but ultimately the son can't go to the seafood restaurant, with an allergy that's just off the table. But-He offered a solution Dad and Sis were fine with! In this case as a parent I'd have taken the opportunity to let the 2 kids come up with the solution they like. Sounds like it would probably would have been a treat for both if they did split up and she got a dinner out and he got pizza.
I have allergies to dairy, eggs, and gluten. I do not eat those things. My family still does, I just bring something else to eat. Go out for ice cream? I grab a bag of Skittles or something. Perogies for dinner? I eat gf chicken nuggets. Allergies suck and I do feel for the brother but he offered a viable solution and mom made a fuss for nothing
The root problem here seems to be the assumption that people can read minds. Work on the principle that no one knows anything that you haven't told them. Did the daughter even know about the son's allergy? There is no indication that she did. If the family just didn't eat seafood at home, of course she would pick it for a special dinner out of curiosity. In asking for a different choice, the mother specifically needed to state that it was for the son's shellfish allergy, although that was way too late. The daughter might assume that her mother was lying.
The daughter is being insensitive to other's needs. Allergy to seafood is very serious and it might require hospitalization. She should have considered this before choosing a restaurant. But even after being told, she still was reluctant. She did not care if the brother came or not. If it was my birthday, I would want my entire family to come, participate and enjoy the occassion. The food is not the main item of the occasion, but socialization and bonding are the main items. If food was important, then they could have ordered home delivery of foods from different restaurants to match each individual preference be done with it. I am glad that I do not have a sister like that who does not care if I participated in her birthday.
I go unpopular NTA, daughter is super selfish to choose a restaurant that is possible deathly to her brother. I am sure there is restaurants that are safe for her brother and offer seafood for her. Yes, it is her birthday but they are family and i don't see anything wrong to mom to wanna go out eating as family on their birthdays. No matter if son was ready to settle with pizza and games at home, that is one family member missing on table.
Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't want him there which is why she chose it ? Stop being a helicopter mother and stop wrapping your son in cotton wool, no one is allergic to fish, they just don't like it ..
Maybe she should just ask again. Because she asked her friends who all said YTA, so she asked Reddit, who all said YTA. So logically if she asks once more she will be vindicated and shown to have been right all along.
F@ck sake. Tell the son he can have his pizza, but he has to light a candle on it it and sing happy birthday to her on camera... and give her the video. - There! Lovely moment caught forever! Done. Or some other COMPROMISE!!!! (Some people just love drama though don't they!)
Two things: 1. Yea she shouldn't have done that 2. It's not that big of a deal, her behavior here might hint at other issues, but we shouldn't make guesses. Nobody's going NC over an imperfect birthday dinner, hiccups like these are bound to happen in any relationship
She's wrong, but not an A. She had an easy out and should have taken it instead of insisting on all four being there.
That is what makes her an AH. The mom had an easy out and still doubled down.
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