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Confidence—it’s one of the most important qualities to have. It ranks alongside fairness, moral courage, having a good work ethic, and loving animals in my personal hierarchy of values. However, let’s face facts, confidence doesn’t grow on trees. Nor can you suddenly become confident over the span of a single day. No, it takes time and dedication to move away from a mentality of insecurity to genuine confidence in yourself.
Insecurity can manifest itself in a very wide variety of ways, from humble-bragging to putting others down and more. And Reddit users have been sharing the signs that somebody might be very insecure in a viral thread that delves deep into behaviors that really aren’t okay, no matter how much confidence you lack. Have a read through these signs below, upvote the ones you agree with, and let us know how you determine if someone might be incredibly insecure (and possibly in need of a helping hand).
UK-based psychotherapist Silva Neves answered a few questions that I had about insecurities, how these are expressed through specific behaviors, and why some individuals lash out at others because of them. Scroll down for Bored Panda's interview with him about how to go from being insecure ('I'm not enough') to feeling secure and confident in yourself ('I'm enough') with the help of self-compassion.
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#1
Bragging about things not even in your control, like your parents' wealth.
RELATED:
#2
All those people who post on Facebook those quotes that are like: ‘don’t worry about those who talk behind your back, they’re behind you for a reason’
Or they tag themselves into any and EVERY place including the docs/hospital/somewhere personal. Then when someone asks if they’re ok they reply with: ‘don’t ask hun xoxox’
Urgh so basically. People who live their lives through very active social media’s I suppose I’m trying to say.
#3
Insulting random people's physical appearance.
Psychotherapist Silva told me that insecure people are sending out very clear signals with their behavior. "Insecurity carries the message: 'I'm not enough', 'I'm not good enough,' or even 'I'm worthless.' These are painful beliefs to have about ourselves but many do have those underlying beliefs," he told Bored Panda.
According to the expert, insecurity can manifest itself in a variety of ways and sometimes even polar opposite behaviors. "Insecurity can manifest either by making themselves invisible (If I'm not seen, nobody will notice my flaws), or the opposite, by what we call 'bragging': shouting at everybody about how wonderful they are. This is usually to try to persuade to themselves that they are good enough."
Some, however, choose to put down others to make themselves feel better. "Another way to counter the 'I'm not enough' is by pushing others down, sabotaging other people's success, or attacking people as a way to feel powerful so that they can control their inner pain of 'I'm not enough'. All of these strategies don't work because what they do is either internalizing or externalizing the belief 'I'm not enough' rather than changing it," Silva highlighted the fact that we must change this belief instead of attempting to cope in the ways he mentioned.
#4
The more you talk about how good you are in bed and how many women you've [slept with] the less I believe you.
#6
Joint Facebook profiles
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
TBH I think some couples do it because they aren't interested in the FB life but sometimes need to access a particular group, so they just set up one account between them. Makes sense to me.
"The key to becoming more secure is to change the underlying belief 'I'm not enough' to 'I'm enough,'" the psychotherapist explained to Bored Panda. "The way to do it is with self-compassion."
According to Silva, we usually learn the 'I'm not enough' belief in childhood and it can become entrenched as we grow up. However, as we mature, we also have the means to change this underlying belief.
"Perhaps parents didn't praise children enough, or they paid more attention to the mistakes rather than the successes. As an adult now, people can give themselves a hug once in a while and tell themselves, gently: 'you're doing good,' 'well done,' 'congratulations.' Eventually, the brain will listen and slowly change the message 'I'm not enough' to 'I'm enough,'" he noted.
"Rather than shouting your praise at other people, it is about speaking to yourself in a loving way. When people are genuinely aware of their successes, they can become genuinely more confident without the need to impose their power onto others."
#7
Women that guard their men like a soldier. I was leaving an abusive relationship my friend offered me a place to stay. The hitch was if she wasnt there and just her husband was I had to leave. I got a hotel room not dealing with that.
#8
This is a self roast but I think I degrade myself just to hear others deny it, is that insecure?
Katie Wanschura 4 years ago
I was scrolling down to see if anyone had posted this yet. Yes, I did it predominantly when I was massively insecure.
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Ozacoter 4 years ago
Sometimes but not always. I talk lile that about myself even though i dont want to, its more a habit by now. I dont expect people to contradict me because i believe what i said.
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
What if self degrading comments are really just how you see yourself and if you mention or joke about them you’re just being honest in conversation, and if people deny it you struggle to believe them and it honestly just makes you feel bad for saying it in the first place? Is that also insecure
Dodo 4 years ago
It is, but in a different way. I do it that way. Though a lot of the time people don't deny it...
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Cigdem Kanburoğlu 4 years ago
not always. To roast yourself is a type of humor, sometimes it is so funny. Also when you are so above others, it is useful to humanize you. Like the times I lecture in medical school I use it in a small amount to help students feel more relaxed around me. Not as a insecurity sign at all
Kazuki Homare 4 years ago
I would say it is as you end up putting on other people what your own definition of self-worth is.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
Yup. Secure people make self deprecating comments to be funny and to own their flaws. It's something I've tried to learn from, instead of feeling I have to defend myself constantly, which is also a sign of insecurity and could look like someone thinks they're perfect I suppose.
Lillukka79 3 years ago
That's how I use it, not fishing for complements, just stating a fact in a humorous way.
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Elizabeth Molloy 4 years ago
Fishing for compliments. You are very insecure and it's very irritating. Stop it now or you'll have no friends at all.
Tracy Wallick 4 years ago
It's fishing for compliments and yes, that's insecure. If you need a pick-me-up, just say so; people who love you will be happy to provide.
ThatOneWriter 4 years ago
Yes, but not in an entirely negative way. The way my therapist put it, that sort of insecurity can come from being put down/minimized/insulted during formative years or consistently through your life. This is especially true if it was done by people who were supposed to protect you, like family. So you might be insecure but you're aware enough of the behavior's roots that it might be a reaction to something else, something counseling can help with if it's available.
Twodogsandapicnictable 4 years ago
That's called fishing. Trying to force others to brag about you while you pretend to be modest.
Craptavaganza 4 years ago
I do it so others can't make the cruel joke anymore, just to be sure.
Katherine Morgan 4 years ago
Yeah that’s a thing. It drives me bats, because it’s manipulative.
BlackestDawn 4 years ago
Pretty sure it is, and it being rooted in you feeling you need (a high level of?) external validation.
#9
Bragging about how controlling their partners are. I remember shopping with 2 friends and they both kept saying "oh blank would never let me wear that" "blank wouldn't be cool with me doing (normal think with the opposite gender). My response was "oh I would never let someone tell me how to dress or who to hang out with". I have been with the same guy for nearly 20 years and they still think it's weird that I do my own thing and don't ask him permission. F that nonsense.
Though many of us tend to think of bragging (humble or otherwise) as something that should be avoided, it does have its time and place. Specifically, during job interviews. When done from a position of confidence instead of insecurity, bragging can actually be a very powerful tool in helping you land the job of your dreams.
I’d spoken about this earlier with career coach Jermaine Murray from Jupiter HR. In his interview with Bored Panda, he explained that not doing enough to highlight our accomplishments is the number one mistake we tend to make when applying for a new job.
"They humble themselves when they need to be boasting. If you understand why the work that you were doing was important and how it impacts your org (project) then you should be explaining that to the interviewer without holding back. How did you go above and beyond to make sure things worked? What creative ways did you come up with?" Jermaine noted that we should be showing off instead of being overly humble.
#10
When you tell someone something positive or nice that happened to you, for example, that you purchased a new TV and that you start to notice that the other person always tries to poke holes in your cloud of happiness by saying you instead should have waited, the TV is too big, it consumes to much power, that brand is s***ty and so on. But they do this with everything you share with them that is somewhat positive to your life.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Some people can't help but being negative about everything, not only about what you did, but also about "what happens to them." It's not insecurity but a constant mentality that life sucks and that everyone is out to scam or harm everyone else.
#11
People who feel the need to judge everyone in a negative light and who only want to see the worst in others so they can feel better about themselves. It just shows how unhappy they truly are.
#12
I used to be very insecure so I'll go from my own experience. Lying about something to seem cool. It's very obviously a signal of insecurity because they don't like who they are now.
Kazuki Homare 4 years ago
I did this a lot too. But mine became some sort of defense mechanism- I was bullied for being boring and too uptight so I made lies when I transferred to a new school.
A couple of ways to show others that you’re feeling confident and secure are through your body language and your tone of voice. These two tools can make or break any situation. Career coach Jermaine said that we should want to “always want to be perceived as confident and capable” because the opposite can reduce our achievements, talents, and skills to practically zero in some hiring manager’s eyes.
"If your body language or tone says otherwise, you destroy the perception of your skills. Once that's gone so are your chances of landing the job," Jermaine said.
#14
Automatically assuming negative intent.
eg:
You friend didn't pick your call?
"F her, she's trying to avoid me. I don't care about her anyway."
Radek Suski 4 years ago
This is actually very true but also nothing I'd consider a character flaw rather than a real psychological problem
#15
When people have and insist on constantly checking on their SO via some tracking app on their phone.
It's one thing to have it and use it in case of emergency, but using it while out with your friends to make sure he's actually at work is creepy and super insecure.
"You can teach someone to be a better coder but it's near impossible to teach them how to be a better person. Recruiters will always value personality first, but technical skills are a very close second," the career coach said.
"Hiring managers keep that in mind and try to make sure candidates they like can perform competently. Different things contribute to this bar that aren't based on the candidate but the organization's internal ability to support and develop someone. Once those two elements are present a hire will happen.”
#16
Using the words Alpha or Beta in any [freaking] sentence when talking about people.
#17
Constantly wedging "humble bragging" into conversations.
Chaos&Roses 4 years ago (edited)
Or simply acknowledging your own achievement that you wanted to share. " I got promoted at work today!" "Ugh, that bitch be bragging again, we don't need that!" Can't share anything good that you do in life because the respondent is a failure and sees your achievement as an insult.
#18
A constant need for affirmation.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
That's what insecurity is. So a sign of insecurity is being insecure.
#19
Incapable of self reflection
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
That's not insecurity, that's arrogance or even narcissism. "I don't need self reflection because I do nothing wrong, it's always the other party that screws up."
#20
Bf:"Alright im going to work babe"
Gf:" you better not be f***ing with b***hes at work"
#21
Can't handle being told they're wrong or ignorant about something.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Again not an exclusive sign of insecurity. Narcissists do this all the time. Don the Con was very secure about how he was right all the time and about his expertise in just about everything. Hence his changing a weather map to prove that he was right about a hurricane hitting Alabama and his medical advice that ingestion of chlorine and sticking a lightbulb up your rear would cure Covid.
#22
People whose self-esteem is so low that they can't stand the sight of people with high self-esteem, so they will try to break down anyone they perceive as more successful than them. When a group of this type of people comes together, a major crab bucket mentality arises and they will target people perceived as highly competent or successful for bullying, gossip, false rumors, and other things that should have been wiped out after elementary school.
#23
I mostly see this at work. - People who are in upper management and treat people like garbage just because they can. - Being unnecessarily mean, rude or bitter to people. - Treating new employees like garbage just because you're threatened they might take your job some day.
#24
Trying to dominate conversations (not to be confused with just being a charismatic person).
#25
“I only get along with guys. Other girls hate me.”
El muerto 4 years ago
ok...so women that hung about with guys are necessarily doing it because they are insecure about themselves? because it impossible that they just like that better....so are guys than hung out mostly with girls the same?....what are they? traitors to their gender? or what?
#26
People who constantly tell stories to make themselves seem real tough or badass. Yeah, dad, that's really awesome that you kicked some guy's ass when you were in the marines 40 years ago.
DDmaybeandor 4 years ago
If you can't enjoy a 60+ year olds stories from when he was younger, it may be that YTA.
#27
being unable to sit in silence with others without talking, even if there’s nothing to talk about
-making small gestures and then constantly seeking validation and reassurance that you are appreciated, even if there’s no reason to think you aren’t appreciated
-constantly asking if someone is mad at you, even when they have told you several times that they are not mad at you
-trying overly hard to be funny/likeable/smart around people who already know you well just to seek attention and validation
#28
They argue against your grammar, semantics, or micro-details, rather than the point you were obviously trying to make.
"You showed up to work an hour late!"
"No I didn't, I was an hour and four minutes late, don't you know the difference between 8:00 and 9:04!?"
"OH S**T YOU SURE PUT ME IN MY PLACE, JOSH!"
Keerthi Vardhan 4 years ago
I know someone who is cool and way up in the management who corrects grammer on any content sent. This person likes it but doesn't argue on the grammatical errors. Doesn't make him insecure..he just likes them to be proper. I don't see that as wrong or being insecure.
#29
Being overly nice and being a yes man to make other people happy. Also having no opinions
Alexia 4 years ago
They do these things, because they believe they have to make extra efforts to be loved or liked. Somewhere in their past (childhood in most cases) there was a trauma, or an adult that constantly criticized, belittled or hurt them - so they learned they did not deserved be loved, and that it was not ok to express opinions. I hope all these people find their way to healing and learn to love themselves for who they are. I was one of them.
#30
Socially aware individuals understand that the other people have a life to run and might need a day or seven for them only.
Insecure people are going to have a fit and from the first lapse of communication, they expect that they have been abandoned for some really abstract reason, regardless if it has any merit or not.
#31
Using your internal fear as a reason not to do something. Hate your job? You don’t apply for any others because you’re scared of being rejected, or that you don’t deserve a better job. In a terrible relationship? You stay because you’re scared of being alone. That kind of insecurity is the worst imo because it affects nearly everyone.
#32
Scene: Gets a notification on phone.. ex gf: Who's chatting to you now? me: Its a game notification me: Goes to shower me: Comes back to find gf going through every message , email and whatsapp... Does that scream I'm insecure?
#33
Oftentimes, people don’t know the difference between “telling it like it is” and just being flat-out mean. People who tell it like it only give their opinion when it is warranted because they would want someone to tell them the truth instead of dancing around it. however, some can cross this line and just be straight-up rude, while using this same reasoning. those who “tell it like it is” are secure, those who are unnecessarily mean are insecure. not exactly a direct answer to your question, but I’ve always thought this and wanted to share.
Kazuki Homare 4 years ago
Oh yeah I used to be like that too- but this quote I read online made me stop doing it. "If they can change it within 3 seconds, then let them know privately. (like there's something on your teeth) Otherwise, keep your mouth shut." They said it's because it's most likely they are aware of the problem themselves and are already doing something about it. It isn't our responsibility to track them on it.
#34
I’ve found that a lot of people on Twitter that feel the need to post about how great of a person they are and they have nothing but good intentions are usually the most toxic people I’ve seen
#35
People who can’t accept or admit they are in the wrong.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
These are people that feel they are balancing on a precipice and any one thing could prove how crap they really are and push them over.
#36
Grabbing your girl tighter as you walk into public places. Followed by awful looks to anyone who makes eye contact.
#37
Girls who say 'she's probably not that pretty without make up on'
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
"Is it true officer that you don't write tickets for pretty women? " While handing her the ticket: "That's right, miss."
#38
When you question yourself "do they actually like me or are they pretending to?" or when you think you're gonna bother other people if you talk to them
#39
I used to do this and now notice it in others. I'll get complimented and instantly find a way to criticize my self. Say i cooked, and it was good. Oh but it's to salty or over done, i could do it better....or i could take the compliment and walk away. In a group setting I've also learned to pass the compliment along. Oh it was this persons idea we make this or something like that. " the project is finished and everything went well" instead of saying oh it was no big deal i say everything was organized and where it needed to be when i started. I'm passing the complement to whoever organized without sounding insecure about my abilities.
Craptavaganza 4 years ago
I learned to say thank you when I got a compliment, first it feels weird but is will become more normal.
#40
Lifestyle creep
Constant fishing for compliments when around people (eg, "I'm so chunky" as a direct way to get someone to tell you that you look great).
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Best way to handle this is to agree. " You must think that I'm so demanding..." "Yes, yes I do."
#41
Any kind of feeling of need to punish a significant other. If you think of your s/o as out of your control or needing to be controlled you’re insecure, sorry bud.
#43
Constant social media posts about how you were at the grocery store, gas station, hospital, ball game, wherever.....and a random man tells you how beautiful you are and he can't believe you're single. I legit have a friend who does this at least once a week. Sweet girl otherwise, but that s*** is soooo annoying
ThoughtsAreNotFacts 4 years ago
Ugh, had a coworker who constantly said how people thought she was so beautiful and then pause.. I guess expecting us to validate or agree.
#44
Immediately getting defensive whenever you try to help them.
Roxy Eastland 4 years ago
OMG, I am bad for this. Both my husband and my children complain about it.
#45
Dismissing people before they dismiss you.
Carol Emory 4 years ago
Had a former friend that used to go on Fb and post requests to hang out. "Anyone want to go to the beach today? How about dinner out? Anyone want to go to the movies tonight?" All last minute, please-drop-whatever-your-doing requests. I tried explaining to her that a lot of her friends are married with kids and dropping everything to run out and do something is rarely possible. Most times, requests to go somewhere requires some planning. Instead, she'd get hostile if no one responded saying everyone was too wrapped up in themselves to hang out with her. I unfriended her when she complained that the local gym wasn't open 2 days after a hurricane blew threw our state. Some people's insecurities make them selfish sometimes.
#46
People who gossip all the time. I knew a small group of people who would constantly gossip at work. The usual stuff like putting people down, trying to create drama where there wasn't any. If you talked to them separately they were nice enough. They even seemed a little timid, but when they were together their attitude would do a complete 180. They seemed to feel powerful when they could be a-holes together and felt sheepish when they had to mingle with the people that they spent 90% of their time talking s*** about. They just looked small from the outside.
#48
Making up very obvious fake stories about their lives to try to impress people who don’t even care about you or know you. And then blowing up and getting defensive when someone calls you on them.
#49
A huge lifted truck without any discernible work purpose being extremely aggressive in traffic.
Sky Render 4 years ago
Really, there's a whole spectrum of vehicular expression of insecurity. Overly loud and "tricked out" motorcycles (we used the phrase "boys and their toys" a lot back when I was in vehicle total loss valuation to describe that phenomenon!), flashy and excessively loud sports cars, absurdly lifted trucks and SUVs, monster truck tires, and of course the old standby of the car stereo that's so loud that you can hear it from 5 miles away... While it's not a guarantee that these things are an expression of insecurity (I've genuinely spoken with some folks who own these things because they like them for what they are and not for what other people think of them; usually collectors who never take them out on the road), it's the rule more often than the exception.
#50
Constantly having problems with people. Look, I hate humanity more than most people. But I knew a contractor who literally had a problem with someone new every day. One day it was me because i made a joke about how I hope my boss doesn't sell this type of tile anymore, because it's a particularly heavy and awkwardly shaped tile. He laughed at this, and threw a few wise cracks in himself. Next thing I know he's telling my human resources lady that I refused to help him, and that I'm a disgruntled employee and he couldn't care if I dropped dead, along with everyone else in my department. This guy literally goes from tile store to tile store burning bridges and taking names.
#51
Just not shutting up about yourself. Constantly lifting yourself up and comparing yourself to others, while pushing them down.
What do you think ?
Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
I agree with most of these but I think almost everyone is insecure about something and being “insecure” isn’t necessarily bad or something to insult someone for.
Giovanna 4 years ago
For a man: the constant fear of being labelled as gay, the constant need of remarking that they respect gay people but they are not one of them.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Almost everyone has insecurities. The issue is the degree to which it affects oneself and others. A few weeks ago, I was worried about doing a good job. My boss assured me I was doing fine. Last week, she was worried that she might be a bad boss for giving me advice. It was my turn to say, "You're doing fine and you often have good ideas." My insecurities used to be a real problem, but I've learn to manage them and even laugh at them.
Load More Replies... Radek Suski 4 years ago
Every time a very loud motorcycle or car passes me by I tend to think: I am really sorry about your penis
CanadianaKa 4 years ago
The one that always gets me is when you tell someone something unpleasant (ie, you are describing something that happened to you that day), they respond with "That's OK - I...." (competing story.) It's the "That's OK," which reads to me as "That's OK because I had it worse" and really, life doesn't need to be a competition.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
I believe the term is "the Suffering Olympics".
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Meh 4 years ago
I verbally highlight my flaws physical, personality, intellectually, etc before whoever I'm with does. But this is because I will be accused of being arrogant, pampered princess, privileged etc. I don't feel I'm particularly insecure but I do have major social anxiety and can't handle being accused of the above. I guess I am compared to some but also not compared to many. I do this to kerb the judgment, assumptions and sometimes excluding from some people
Meh 4 years ago
Also I'm dyslexic so hope that all makes sense ( and yes I get what I've done here lmao )
Load More Replies... Chaos&Roses 4 years ago
Nobody is allowed to be good looking or sucessful or have nice things because every aspect of someone who has confidence is shot down by someone insecure.
Viviane 4 years ago
I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been lucky with where I live and work - as long as one isn't arrogant, few people get annoyed at someone having any of the three things you cited.
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Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
It's a list of different people's opinions, so not really an article. I wish I could give you clear-cut advice, but there are too many situations, etc. to consider. I learned to apologize or acknowledge others' opinions and move on. You might need to learn resilience. Ask around for counseling or therapy. You'll have to find a good match for your own issues.
Load More Replies... Mewton’s Third Paw 4 years ago
I agree with most of these but I think almost everyone is insecure about something and being “insecure” isn’t necessarily bad or something to insult someone for.
Giovanna 4 years ago
For a man: the constant fear of being labelled as gay, the constant need of remarking that they respect gay people but they are not one of them.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Almost everyone has insecurities. The issue is the degree to which it affects oneself and others. A few weeks ago, I was worried about doing a good job. My boss assured me I was doing fine. Last week, she was worried that she might be a bad boss for giving me advice. It was my turn to say, "You're doing fine and you often have good ideas." My insecurities used to be a real problem, but I've learn to manage them and even laugh at them.
Load More Replies... Radek Suski 4 years ago
Every time a very loud motorcycle or car passes me by I tend to think: I am really sorry about your penis
CanadianaKa 4 years ago
The one that always gets me is when you tell someone something unpleasant (ie, you are describing something that happened to you that day), they respond with "That's OK - I...." (competing story.) It's the "That's OK," which reads to me as "That's OK because I had it worse" and really, life doesn't need to be a competition.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
I believe the term is "the Suffering Olympics".
Load More Replies... Meh 4 years ago
I verbally highlight my flaws physical, personality, intellectually, etc before whoever I'm with does. But this is because I will be accused of being arrogant, pampered princess, privileged etc. I don't feel I'm particularly insecure but I do have major social anxiety and can't handle being accused of the above. I guess I am compared to some but also not compared to many. I do this to kerb the judgment, assumptions and sometimes excluding from some people
Meh 4 years ago
Also I'm dyslexic so hope that all makes sense ( and yes I get what I've done here lmao )
Load More Replies... Chaos&Roses 4 years ago
Nobody is allowed to be good looking or sucessful or have nice things because every aspect of someone who has confidence is shot down by someone insecure.
Viviane 4 years ago
I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been lucky with where I live and work - as long as one isn't arrogant, few people get annoyed at someone having any of the three things you cited.
Load More Replies... Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
It's a list of different people's opinions, so not really an article. I wish I could give you clear-cut advice, but there are too many situations, etc. to consider. I learned to apologize or acknowledge others' opinions and move on. You might need to learn resilience. Ask around for counseling or therapy. You'll have to find a good match for your own issues.
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