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“Intimacy Is Awful, Painful, Uncomfortable”: Wife Opens Up About Husband’s 200 Kg Weight
A significant other’s appearance shouldn’t matter in a healthy, loving relationship. However, it becomes an entirely different narrative when the person lets go of themselves to the point that it becomes detrimental to both parties.
A woman who has been with her overweight partner for years reached her breaking point. The man had gotten heavier and unhealthier, which ultimately affected her well-being and their life together.
While the thought of breaking up has entered her mind, she wants to give him a chance to turn things around. However, she is trying to figure out how to broach the conversation.
RELATED:
Being severely overweight not only affects the person, but also the people around them
Image credits: Dimaberlin / envatolements
A woman has been struggling to live a normal life with her overweight partner, whose weight problems have only worsened
Image credits: freepik
Her difficulties have made her contemplate a breakup, but she wants to give him a chance to turn his life around
Image credits: lacey79
Being overweight also does damage to a person’s mental health
Image credits: stockking / freepik (not the actual photo)
We are already aware of the potential long-term physical damage caused by obesity, ranging from heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, and even cognitive issues like Alzheimer’s disease. But it also causes mental health problems.
A 2020 study found that obese adults have a 55% chance of suffering from depression. Likewise, it also revealed that people afflicted with depression also have a 58% chance of becoming obese, making for a cruel, seemingly never-ending cycle.
In effect, the quality of life suffers, which is what the story’s author has been going through. According to a 2022 study, men and women who suffer from being overweight and obese are prone to physical and occupational functioning issues.
They no longer engage in the same activities they used to enjoy doing because of the limitations brought on by their size and possible chronic ailments. As a result, they become more reclusive, which may affect the people around them.
In the story, the man may have been dealing with mental issues brought on by his worsening physical health. Unfortunately, it had a profound effect on his partner and their relationship overall.
A request for change must be clear and direct
Image credits: shurkin_son / freepik (not the actual photo)
The author’s biggest struggle seems to be telling her partner he needs to change and turn his life around. According to psychologist and University of Toronto professor Natalie Sisson, the person receiving this request may take it the wrong way because they may feel like they are not living up to their partner’s expectations.
This is why Sisson advises making clear and direct change requests. As she tells Forbes, the goal is to communicate the issue at hand and let the person know what they can do to meet the request.
However, showing support is the most important thing to help accomplish the overall goal. As Sisson notes, a change request must come with validation, especially since these requests are difficult for the other person to hear.
It may help the author express her concerns without sugarcoating them. Withholding them only prolongs her agony and does nothing to help the relationship.
However, she must convey the message in a way that makes him feel love and genuine concern. Doing so in a judgmental manner may only worsen the situation.
Readers didn’t hold back on their comments, as the author provided more information
Some shared their unsolicited advice
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What do you think ?
Nils Skirnir 11 months ago
35 stone =0.245 short tons=222 kg=490 pounds It’s amazing he can move.
Ringofant 11 months ago
Thank You very much. I just tried to figure this out, then I read Your comment.222 kg? That's insane.
Load More Replies...
Kimberly Bailey 11 months ago
He needs tested for obstructive sleep apnea. Getting proper treatment is life changing for most people with it!
Shannimal 11 months ago
He's fat as f**k. That's the problem. All that weight on the organs when lying down. Yeesh!
Load More Replies...
Mark Alexander 11 months ago
Obesity is not simply overeating. Its a disease. We know this know that medications are provably dropping weight, killing cravings, and changing lives. Get him to a doctor asap.
Bryn 10 months ago
No. It might be a symptom of a disease, but obesitiy in itself is not. Maybe talk to a doctor who actually knows what they're talkinga bout.
Load More Replies...
Gwyn 11 months ago (edited)
I don't believe anyone gets to a weight like this without depression being a big factor. I don't know that saying anything would change it. He knows it's a problem and he has to be the one to decide to get help. I hope you can separate-you don't have to divorce but it might be the wake-up call he needs- at least get out to an apartment or something so you can get sleep. He may not choose to do anything but it's not sustainable for you or fair for you to live like that.
Jessie 8 months ago
My friend got to a weight like this without being depressed. When she went to highschool at age 12 she passed a supermarket every day and she had her own money so she bought and ate tons of food on her way home, convinced herself that cycling for an hour would burn as many calories as she ate (which would be 2-3000 calories less than an hour), her mother did educate her on the importance of eating healthy but she didn’t care. She just never stopped eating and was 203 kg at her heaviest when she was 19, even then she only turned her life around because her heart and lungs were failing from having to move all that weight at a young age.
Load More Replies...
Faminerst Anstemal 11 months ago
I mean it doesn't have to be a mean conversation even. "I love you, I want to sleep with you every night, and I want you to live long with me - let's figure out a way to lose weight". If a guy doesn't melt for that, then he simply doesn't love you back.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
Yes, that is definitely a good intro to a hard conversation
Load More Replies...
roddy 11 months ago
Has he been tested for sleep apnea? The snoring and weight are likely related. He needs to buckle down and lose weight or he will not survive long. It's not your responsibility to work around it, if he won't make the effort. He's the one holding the fork. If he cares enough about either of you, he will have to work at this instead of just feeling sorry for himself.
Taibhse Sealgair 11 months ago (edited)
The snoring is absolutely related to his weight. And I don't need a test to tell you he has sleep apnea. He does. Dude and wife need to go to a doctor ASAP an set up a plan. Not a big fan of weight loss d***s, but this is what they should be used for. He needs to take care of it immediately or he ain't long for this world.
Load More Replies...
KatSaidWhat 11 months ago
Doesn't matter how you say it, the conversation will not go well. Take him to the doctor and let them tell him exactly how much risk he is at with his weight. If he still won't change or slides into self pity, leave. A friend of mine who I lived with slid into weight gain, smoking weed all day and making a living selling on Ebay. He wondered why [gf] moved out. He was full of self pity until I inadvertently got blunt one night and told him. He didn't speak to me for weeks, we were all moving out but the next time I saw him, he had got his s**t together, lost weight and trained to be a paramedic. You can gently encourage which is not as effective as the harsh truth.
Lyoness 11 months ago
I love this. It's a horrible discussion to have but focusing on health and the impact on your lives goes a lot farther than telling someone they're fat. He knows that already.
Load More Replies... 
Schnitzel 11 months ago (edited)
He was apparently already on the larger spectrum so with her numbers he went from 150kg to 222 kg give or take, and 222 kg is a lot of weight! My husband is big-ish despite working very physically, it's just how he is built. I think he's around 95 kg now and according to blood tests that were down in nov 2024 he could lose some 10 kg to be healthier. Depending on the height of OP husband, 150 kg might very well have been OK-ish but I doubt 222 kg is. I would find the RIGHT time to try and ease into this conversation and if that doesn't go well she has no other option than to leave him. He might be depressed unbeknownst to her and tossing insults in his face won't help but I do understand her frustration because lack of sleep for a long period of time will make her insane!
Irene Purcell 11 months ago
From what you say it sounds like you have had something special together. It also sounds like your partner may well be depressed. Maybe you could both do with support of a professional to navigate how to change things. Would it be possible for the two of you to get together somewhere out of the house and have an honest talk about your lives and your relationship as a starting point. You are seriously affected by his snoring and there’s nothing more stressful than noise and lack of sleep. He is clearly struggling with food and weight. It’s not about fat shaming but about genuine concerns about his health and it’s about your own needs which are important. Try to talk without blame. Sometimes writing it down beforehand can help you clarify in your head what you need to say. You can be gentle but not apologetic. You obviously care a lot and it sounds like he has closed down previous discussion. You aren’t responsible for his reaction but if you think there maybe something to preserve then you both need to communicate. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you well whatever you choose.
Lyoness 11 months ago
This is the best comment on here imho. Gentle and realistic. Thanks.
Load More Replies...
BeKind&Rewind 11 months ago
If he doesn't hear it directly from a doctor, she probably won't get anywhere. Ozempic might be good to get him motivated. When my ex put on his "winter fat", his member literally shrunk. No joke. If you really love him, you HAVE to help him. He will die and then it won't matter anymore. He sounds like a great guy and just needs some guidance and psychology intervention. What a shame. My ex was a turd.
Amy Roberts 11 months ago
Going through the exact same thing with my SO. He drinks and eats too much. His snoring keeps me awake and his weight gets in the way. We haven't touched in over 3 years now. I can't sleep on the couch as I am disabled and we don't have another room. I do take naps during the day when I can. I still do ALL the cooking, cleaning, dogs, laundry, etc. He does nothing at our house at all. He comes home from work, sits in his recliner and drinks until bedtime. I get it! You totally have a right to tell him to get his life and health in order or you are leaving! It's miserable living this way. I am at this point now.
Tessa 11 months ago
Oh no that sounds bad @Amy, take care, hope something will change for the better soon.
Load More Replies...
Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
This is simple. His weight + massive snoring problem = sleep apnoea, which will probably kill him.
Alexandra 11 months ago
The sad thing is, people only change when they feel they will benefit from it, when there's some kind of upside to change. If they don't see that, they won't change, no matter who asks. He's a great father, but a lousy husband if he doesn't acknowledge and acts on how his lifestyle impacts his wife. Fortunately, he doesn't need to be married to remain a great father.
The Big Bad 10 months ago
People should decide about their own bodies... But come on... If my partner would start smoking 50 sigarettes a day he could count on me being very verbal about it. Things that greatly negatively impact your body like that will impact the lives of your spouse and kids. When he decided to get married and have kids, he has a responsibility to try and stay healthy. They can at least tell him the truth. It is very different than a couple of tattoos and piercings, that's about identity, this is about health.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
OP doesn't have a husband anymore, she has an obese friend she shares children with. He doesn't care about improvement, is fine to let his health slide away to nothing despite having a family to live for, has no ambition or motivations, and is dragging his wife down with him as well as causing her physical harm and pain. Husband needs to get his butt in therapy and the gym, get himself in order, or OP needs to take the kids and leave. That is not a healthy environment and she shouldn't have to risk pain and misery just to have sex or get a decent nights sleep. OP's husband is very selfish.
Milena B. G. Rosa 10 months ago
Maybe is not that he don't cares. OP did not say she talked to him about his snorning/weight/habit changes being a problem until she snaped at him that his snores were destroying her life. I will say: as someone who got SEVERELY overweight (i'm still am overweight but not life risking anymore), if you are depressed enough, you stop noticing your own weight, you don't even consider it might be a problem to anyone around you if they don't say anything - and if he feels like he has no perspective on growing on his job, and getting better in life, he might be depressed. Also, thyroid problems and some other diseases also cause weight gain and can not be resolved By "getting his butt in the gym"...
Load More Replies...
ADDchallengedINFP-T 8 months ago
Sleep Lab, Sleep Apnea, CPAP mask for husband. Snoring is helped. For weight, either walk every day, at home or outside, or one of under the desk pedals. I started walking from the kitchen to the bedroom and back, over and over for at least 5 minutes. Then I bought a under the desk pedalling thingy, and lost 30 lbs in less than a year. Of course I tried to avoid carbs. Telling him about dieting isn't going to help but if he would at least move around more, that might give some idea for doing more. Simple little thing like this in the picture, or one of more expensive ones, it's the movement that helps, not the price of the equipment. under-the-...911b7f.jpg 
Ruth Watry 9 months ago
I cannot imagine how much he is eating to both gain the weight and maintain the weight (also, how hard is it hitting their budget). If the amount that he eats is not in line with what he gained, he needs to get a physical exam, and at the very least, get his thyroid checked.
TruthoftheHeart 11 months ago
Oh hell no tell his a*s to start trying to lose weight and quit being a hog!! If he can't realize that he is not a good partner and contributive family member at that weight then toss the whole damn excessive weight and free yourself!!
Oskar vanZandt 11 months ago (edited)
The OPs husband is a giant man-baby who is making her miserable. I would advise she goes for a trial separation and to make it permanent unless HE commits to improving his own health and the relationship.
WonderWoman 11 months ago
How did she ever find the pen!s under all that fat? That must have been a mission all on it's own.
PenguinEmp 11 months ago
Half ton? Needs a salad and walk. You both need a marriage counseling
Nils Skirnir 11 months ago
35 stone =0.245 short tons=222 kg=490 pounds It’s amazing he can move.
Ringofant 11 months ago
Thank You very much. I just tried to figure this out, then I read Your comment.222 kg? That's insane.
Load More Replies... Kimberly Bailey 11 months ago
He needs tested for obstructive sleep apnea. Getting proper treatment is life changing for most people with it!
Shannimal 11 months ago
He's fat as f**k. That's the problem. All that weight on the organs when lying down. Yeesh!
Load More Replies... Mark Alexander 11 months ago
Obesity is not simply overeating. Its a disease. We know this know that medications are provably dropping weight, killing cravings, and changing lives. Get him to a doctor asap.
Bryn 10 months ago
No. It might be a symptom of a disease, but obesitiy in itself is not. Maybe talk to a doctor who actually knows what they're talkinga bout.
Load More Replies... Gwyn 11 months ago (edited)
I don't believe anyone gets to a weight like this without depression being a big factor. I don't know that saying anything would change it. He knows it's a problem and he has to be the one to decide to get help. I hope you can separate-you don't have to divorce but it might be the wake-up call he needs- at least get out to an apartment or something so you can get sleep. He may not choose to do anything but it's not sustainable for you or fair for you to live like that.
Jessie 8 months ago
My friend got to a weight like this without being depressed. When she went to highschool at age 12 she passed a supermarket every day and she had her own money so she bought and ate tons of food on her way home, convinced herself that cycling for an hour would burn as many calories as she ate (which would be 2-3000 calories less than an hour), her mother did educate her on the importance of eating healthy but she didn’t care. She just never stopped eating and was 203 kg at her heaviest when she was 19, even then she only turned her life around because her heart and lungs were failing from having to move all that weight at a young age.
Load More Replies... Faminerst Anstemal 11 months ago
I mean it doesn't have to be a mean conversation even. "I love you, I want to sleep with you every night, and I want you to live long with me - let's figure out a way to lose weight". If a guy doesn't melt for that, then he simply doesn't love you back.
veirdbuttrue 9 months ago
Yes, that is definitely a good intro to a hard conversation
Load More Replies... roddy 11 months ago
Has he been tested for sleep apnea? The snoring and weight are likely related. He needs to buckle down and lose weight or he will not survive long. It's not your responsibility to work around it, if he won't make the effort. He's the one holding the fork. If he cares enough about either of you, he will have to work at this instead of just feeling sorry for himself.
Taibhse Sealgair 11 months ago (edited)
The snoring is absolutely related to his weight. And I don't need a test to tell you he has sleep apnea. He does. Dude and wife need to go to a doctor ASAP an set up a plan. Not a big fan of weight loss d***s, but this is what they should be used for. He needs to take care of it immediately or he ain't long for this world.
Load More Replies... KatSaidWhat 11 months ago
Doesn't matter how you say it, the conversation will not go well. Take him to the doctor and let them tell him exactly how much risk he is at with his weight. If he still won't change or slides into self pity, leave. A friend of mine who I lived with slid into weight gain, smoking weed all day and making a living selling on Ebay. He wondered why [gf] moved out. He was full of self pity until I inadvertently got blunt one night and told him. He didn't speak to me for weeks, we were all moving out but the next time I saw him, he had got his s**t together, lost weight and trained to be a paramedic. You can gently encourage which is not as effective as the harsh truth.
Lyoness 11 months ago
I love this. It's a horrible discussion to have but focusing on health and the impact on your lives goes a lot farther than telling someone they're fat. He knows that already.
Load More Replies... Schnitzel 11 months ago (edited)
He was apparently already on the larger spectrum so with her numbers he went from 150kg to 222 kg give or take, and 222 kg is a lot of weight! My husband is big-ish despite working very physically, it's just how he is built. I think he's around 95 kg now and according to blood tests that were down in nov 2024 he could lose some 10 kg to be healthier. Depending on the height of OP husband, 150 kg might very well have been OK-ish but I doubt 222 kg is. I would find the RIGHT time to try and ease into this conversation and if that doesn't go well she has no other option than to leave him. He might be depressed unbeknownst to her and tossing insults in his face won't help but I do understand her frustration because lack of sleep for a long period of time will make her insane!
Irene Purcell 11 months ago
From what you say it sounds like you have had something special together. It also sounds like your partner may well be depressed. Maybe you could both do with support of a professional to navigate how to change things. Would it be possible for the two of you to get together somewhere out of the house and have an honest talk about your lives and your relationship as a starting point. You are seriously affected by his snoring and there’s nothing more stressful than noise and lack of sleep. He is clearly struggling with food and weight. It’s not about fat shaming but about genuine concerns about his health and it’s about your own needs which are important. Try to talk without blame. Sometimes writing it down beforehand can help you clarify in your head what you need to say. You can be gentle but not apologetic. You obviously care a lot and it sounds like he has closed down previous discussion. You aren’t responsible for his reaction but if you think there maybe something to preserve then you both need to communicate. Be gentle with yourself. I wish you well whatever you choose.
Lyoness 11 months ago
This is the best comment on here imho. Gentle and realistic. Thanks.
Load More Replies... BeKind&Rewind 11 months ago
If he doesn't hear it directly from a doctor, she probably won't get anywhere. Ozempic might be good to get him motivated. When my ex put on his "winter fat", his member literally shrunk. No joke. If you really love him, you HAVE to help him. He will die and then it won't matter anymore. He sounds like a great guy and just needs some guidance and psychology intervention. What a shame. My ex was a turd.
Amy Roberts 11 months ago
Going through the exact same thing with my SO. He drinks and eats too much. His snoring keeps me awake and his weight gets in the way. We haven't touched in over 3 years now. I can't sleep on the couch as I am disabled and we don't have another room. I do take naps during the day when I can. I still do ALL the cooking, cleaning, dogs, laundry, etc. He does nothing at our house at all. He comes home from work, sits in his recliner and drinks until bedtime. I get it! You totally have a right to tell him to get his life and health in order or you are leaving! It's miserable living this way. I am at this point now.
Tessa 11 months ago
Oh no that sounds bad @Amy, take care, hope something will change for the better soon.
Load More Replies... Uncle Schmickle 11 months ago
This is simple. His weight + massive snoring problem = sleep apnoea, which will probably kill him.
Alexandra 11 months ago
The sad thing is, people only change when they feel they will benefit from it, when there's some kind of upside to change. If they don't see that, they won't change, no matter who asks. He's a great father, but a lousy husband if he doesn't acknowledge and acts on how his lifestyle impacts his wife. Fortunately, he doesn't need to be married to remain a great father.
The Big Bad 10 months ago
People should decide about their own bodies... But come on... If my partner would start smoking 50 sigarettes a day he could count on me being very verbal about it. Things that greatly negatively impact your body like that will impact the lives of your spouse and kids. When he decided to get married and have kids, he has a responsibility to try and stay healthy. They can at least tell him the truth. It is very different than a couple of tattoos and piercings, that's about identity, this is about health.
Surly Scot 11 months ago
OP doesn't have a husband anymore, she has an obese friend she shares children with. He doesn't care about improvement, is fine to let his health slide away to nothing despite having a family to live for, has no ambition or motivations, and is dragging his wife down with him as well as causing her physical harm and pain. Husband needs to get his butt in therapy and the gym, get himself in order, or OP needs to take the kids and leave. That is not a healthy environment and she shouldn't have to risk pain and misery just to have sex or get a decent nights sleep. OP's husband is very selfish.
Milena B. G. Rosa 10 months ago
Maybe is not that he don't cares. OP did not say she talked to him about his snorning/weight/habit changes being a problem until she snaped at him that his snores were destroying her life. I will say: as someone who got SEVERELY overweight (i'm still am overweight but not life risking anymore), if you are depressed enough, you stop noticing your own weight, you don't even consider it might be a problem to anyone around you if they don't say anything - and if he feels like he has no perspective on growing on his job, and getting better in life, he might be depressed. Also, thyroid problems and some other diseases also cause weight gain and can not be resolved By "getting his butt in the gym"...
Load More Replies... ADDchallengedINFP-T 8 months ago
Sleep Lab, Sleep Apnea, CPAP mask for husband. Snoring is helped. For weight, either walk every day, at home or outside, or one of under the desk pedals. I started walking from the kitchen to the bedroom and back, over and over for at least 5 minutes. Then I bought a under the desk pedalling thingy, and lost 30 lbs in less than a year. Of course I tried to avoid carbs. Telling him about dieting isn't going to help but if he would at least move around more, that might give some idea for doing more. Simple little thing like this in the picture, or one of more expensive ones, it's the movement that helps, not the price of the equipment. under-the-...911b7f.jpg
Ruth Watry 9 months ago
I cannot imagine how much he is eating to both gain the weight and maintain the weight (also, how hard is it hitting their budget). If the amount that he eats is not in line with what he gained, he needs to get a physical exam, and at the very least, get his thyroid checked.
TruthoftheHeart 11 months ago
Oh hell no tell his a*s to start trying to lose weight and quit being a hog!! If he can't realize that he is not a good partner and contributive family member at that weight then toss the whole damn excessive weight and free yourself!!
Oskar vanZandt 11 months ago (edited)
The OPs husband is a giant man-baby who is making her miserable. I would advise she goes for a trial separation and to make it permanent unless HE commits to improving his own health and the relationship.
WonderWoman 11 months ago
How did she ever find the pen!s under all that fat? That must have been a mission all on it's own.
PenguinEmp 11 months ago
Half ton? Needs a salad and walk. You both need a marriage counseling
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