“I Feel Disrespected But Everyone Agrees With Him”: Husband Throws Out Wife’s Clothes
How we choose to dress is one of the easiest ways we can express ourselves. Whether your entire closet is black or everything you wear was inherited from your grandmother’s wardrobe, your sense of style says something about you. But according to one man, he should get to decide for his wife what her clothes will say.
A woman recently posted in the True Off My Chest subreddit detailing why her husband suddenly decided to throw away many of her beloved dresses and tops. Below, you’ll find the full story, as well as a conversation with Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., author and founder of Marriage Builders.
One of the best ways that we can express ourselves is through our clothing
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
So this woman was heartbroken when she came home to find that many of her favorite pieces were gone
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: anon
“All decisions in marriage should be made with mutual enthusiastic agreement”
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., author and founder of Marriage Builders. Dr. Harley was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss whether or not it is appropriate to tell your partner what to wear. “In my book, His Needs, Her Needs, I have a chapter on physical attractiveness that deals with that question. In general, a spouse should try to wear clothing that is attractive to the other spouse, but only if it’s done with ‘enthusiastic mutual agreement,'” he shared.
“My basic concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, states that all decisions in marriage should be made with mutual enthusiastic agreement, or postponed until that agreement is reached,” Dr. Harley explained. “The only exception to the POJA is when the health or safety of a spouse is at risk to do nothing while trying to come to an agreement.”
“For example, he can’t tell her to wear nothing until they come to an agreement as to what she should wear. In this case, the husband should not have thrown out her clothing (violation of the policy of joint agreement), and he could not tell her what to wear instead (another violation of the policy of joint agreement),” the marriage expert says.
Dr. Harley says that any violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement means that many other decisions are likely to also be violations. “In my book, Love Busters, the first one that I identify is Selfish Demands: Telling your spouse what to do. Thoughtful Requests is the acceptable alternative where you ask for a change, and accept a denial of the request with a willingness to negotiate a reasonable alternative,” he explained. “Selfish Demands, and the other two that follow, Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts, are the three Love Busters that define abuse and control in marriage.”
Dr. Harley also recommended that this couple follow his “Four Guidelines for Marital Negotiation: 1) Make your conversation regarding the conflict pleasant and safe — no demands, disrespect, or anger; 2) Understand each other’s perspectives on the issue without judging those perspectives, 3) Brainstorm with abandon — what alternative solutions would be acceptable to both spouses (POJA), and 4) Implement the agreed-upon solution with a trial first to see if it works in practice. If it doesn’t work as planned, go back to brainstorming.”
Image credits: Samantha Gades (not the actual photo)
Controlling partners can often become dangerous
When you get married, it’s understood that you and your partner will share most things. You’ll split the finances, share responsibilities around the house, decide whose family you’ll visit on which holidays and agree on what kinds of meals you like to enjoy together. But despite the fact that you’ll always be working on the same team, you shouldn’t have to completely abandon your individuality for your marriage.
It can sometimes feel like you and your partner are morphing into the same person if you spend all of your time together and you have extremely similar interests, but it shouldn’t feel like that because they’re forcing it upon you. According to PsychCentral, one of the top signs that a spouse is being controlling is that they start making decisions for their partner.
This could be anything from making plans that involve you without asking first to redecorating parts of the home before consulting you. PsychCentral also provides the example of telling a partner how to dress or slowly changing their wardrobe by removing pieces they don’t like or adding in pieces they do like. Other trademark signs of a controlling partner are someone who criticizes, micromanages and invades their partner’s privacy.
Being in a relationship with a controlling partner can take a huge toll on a person. Marriage.com explains that it can cause emotional distress, isolation, limited independence, self-doubt, financial dependence, physical health issues, and the loss of identity. When someone you thought you loved starts making decisions for you, it can be difficult to draw the line and determine when enough is enough.
And unfortunately, a controlling partner who decides to police what their spouse wears won’t often stop there. Choosing Therapy warns that emotional abuse can be frightening because it can quickly snowball into more dangerous forms of abuse. Being controlling, possessive, verbally abusive and believing in strict gender roles are also factors that put someone at a higher risk of becoming physically abusive in their relationships.
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Everyone has the right to make their own clothing choices
Even if it feels like a small thing, having the freedom to choose what you wear is something we all are entitled to. HerNorm notes that your partner should never dictate what you get to wear because your body is yours. You are capable of making your own decisions, and you should be able to express yourself with clothing however you like.
Some days you might feel like wearing a flowy dress, and other days you might opt for sweatpants and a t-shirt. Wear whatever makes you feel comfortable; you shouldn’t feel like you’re constantly on the clock and required to wear a uniform for your partner. It’s also important to hold onto your identity, even in a marriage, so you don’t become resentful of your partner. If they start making every decision for you, you might start to forget who you really are or what your actual preferences are.
If your partner decides they want to control what you’re wearing, don’t be afraid to tell them that it’s not their place. You might ask how they would feel if you started telling them what to wear and help them understand why it’s inappropriate. But if they refuse to respect your boundaries, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation, pandas. Then, if you’re interested in checking out another Bored Panda article discussing similar themes, look no further than right here!
Image credits: Jackie Friedlander (not the actual photo)
Readers were quick to call out the husband’s toxic behavior and urged the woman to stand her ground
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
You May Also Like
Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk
Do you think childless individuals should be expected to chip in for group babysitting costs during friend gatherings?
17 Y.O. Is Done Sharing Her Birthday With Her Late Twin, Parents Are Not Having It
Do you think the girl should be allowed to celebrate her birthday without the remembrance of her deceased twin?
Let me get this straight. Husband is feeling insecure. He's worried that if OP looks "too sexy" and gets attention from other men, she might find someone "better." And his bone-headed idea is to go and PROVE that she absolutely deserves someone better.
She is too old to be told what she can and cannot wear. He is a mysoginistic p.r.i.c.k. and needs to be put in his place or gone.
That guy is terrible! My gf threw out one of my favourite t-shirts once because she thought it looked "old." She got an earful, and never did that again. Don't touch other people's stuff.
I turn 40 in less than a month. My partner has been with me for just over two years. Still wearing the clothes I've had since I was in my twenties. If he ever threw out my stuff, we'd be over. That is absolute disrespect, and totally unacceptable. Love the person you met, and who they've grown into.
I'd put him in a garbage bag and leave him on the curb, right along with the mother. Jesus f****n Christ is this f****d up. I hope she leaves him and soon.
No one should police what their partner wears, let alone shame them about it. Trade up, lady.
Whether you can still pull it off or not (and it sounds like you can), he was WRONG to unilaterally decide and do this. If he felt this strongly about it, he should talk to you, but accept that the decision was YOURS and not his. He doesn't get more rights to make it just because others agreed with him. And if you agreed to get rid of anything, there were better ways to do that. Now that he has gotten away with this, he will make more decision on your behalf in the future.
I'm 70 and if its warm enough I'll wear a nice halter BACKLESS top. Your husband sounds jealous of how other men may enjoy your backless dresses.
She deleted her Reddit account, but made many comments on both her original post and similar posts. Given her husband‘s Tintin collection I would say they are French. Or, given syntax, possibly Slavic. Certainly European. She does say that she’s surrounded by superficial & materialistic people. Her mother is very modest & believes wives are supposed to be miserable as they defer to their husband‘s wishes. Her husband threw her a birthday party where she was going to wear a revealing backless dress which was several months after the original post. I would assume that she has no indication to leave him & this party was happening, the status quo was maintained as she just follows in her mother’s footsteps.
Load More Replies...She cried for days, but I don't think it was all about the dresses- I think it was because he completely invalidated her and made her feel helpless.
No ma'am. Divorce his a** asap and use the alimony to buy an entirely sexy new wardrobe. You're an adult and you have a right to wear whatever tf you want. Period. Who cares what anyone else thinks. 40 is a great time to start over and own who you are. Your husband, (hopefully soon to be ex), is a controlling loser. You deserve better.
It’s doesn’t matter if you are too old for those clothes or you look ridiculous, they belonged to you and throwing out your property is an abusive control tactic. Run because I bet this isn’t his only controlling behaviour.
I am shocked at this, and in my opinion he stole her things like a simple thief. Nobody should put up with that, and your mother agreeing with him makes me think, that it must be your upbringing, that makes you not immediately leave this Red signalflag.
I feel for this OP my now ex thought it was Ok to sell one of my collectables (valued @ $2500 USD) for $250 while I was out of town just because she wanted some fun time cash.
This type of guy usually has a collection of something. Video games, action figures, sports memorabilia. Whatever it is, he's definitely too old for it, so it can go in the trash too.
He's a jerk & so is her family for agreeing with him. Get rid of them all!!
I have just one question, has she thrown out some of his stuff without consulting him? If not then he's just an outright AH. If so, then maybe he's done that as retaliation. Still makes him an AH, but possibly a justified AH.
And I'm sure the two of you in cels will be very happy together crying lonely tears into each other's shoulders bemoaning the whole female gender.
Load More Replies...Let me get this straight. Husband is feeling insecure. He's worried that if OP looks "too sexy" and gets attention from other men, she might find someone "better." And his bone-headed idea is to go and PROVE that she absolutely deserves someone better.
She is too old to be told what she can and cannot wear. He is a mysoginistic p.r.i.c.k. and needs to be put in his place or gone.
That guy is terrible! My gf threw out one of my favourite t-shirts once because she thought it looked "old." She got an earful, and never did that again. Don't touch other people's stuff.
I turn 40 in less than a month. My partner has been with me for just over two years. Still wearing the clothes I've had since I was in my twenties. If he ever threw out my stuff, we'd be over. That is absolute disrespect, and totally unacceptable. Love the person you met, and who they've grown into.
I'd put him in a garbage bag and leave him on the curb, right along with the mother. Jesus f****n Christ is this f****d up. I hope she leaves him and soon.
No one should police what their partner wears, let alone shame them about it. Trade up, lady.
Whether you can still pull it off or not (and it sounds like you can), he was WRONG to unilaterally decide and do this. If he felt this strongly about it, he should talk to you, but accept that the decision was YOURS and not his. He doesn't get more rights to make it just because others agreed with him. And if you agreed to get rid of anything, there were better ways to do that. Now that he has gotten away with this, he will make more decision on your behalf in the future.
I'm 70 and if its warm enough I'll wear a nice halter BACKLESS top. Your husband sounds jealous of how other men may enjoy your backless dresses.
She deleted her Reddit account, but made many comments on both her original post and similar posts. Given her husband‘s Tintin collection I would say they are French. Or, given syntax, possibly Slavic. Certainly European. She does say that she’s surrounded by superficial & materialistic people. Her mother is very modest & believes wives are supposed to be miserable as they defer to their husband‘s wishes. Her husband threw her a birthday party where she was going to wear a revealing backless dress which was several months after the original post. I would assume that she has no indication to leave him & this party was happening, the status quo was maintained as she just follows in her mother’s footsteps.
Load More Replies...She cried for days, but I don't think it was all about the dresses- I think it was because he completely invalidated her and made her feel helpless.
No ma'am. Divorce his a** asap and use the alimony to buy an entirely sexy new wardrobe. You're an adult and you have a right to wear whatever tf you want. Period. Who cares what anyone else thinks. 40 is a great time to start over and own who you are. Your husband, (hopefully soon to be ex), is a controlling loser. You deserve better.
It’s doesn’t matter if you are too old for those clothes or you look ridiculous, they belonged to you and throwing out your property is an abusive control tactic. Run because I bet this isn’t his only controlling behaviour.
I am shocked at this, and in my opinion he stole her things like a simple thief. Nobody should put up with that, and your mother agreeing with him makes me think, that it must be your upbringing, that makes you not immediately leave this Red signalflag.
I feel for this OP my now ex thought it was Ok to sell one of my collectables (valued @ $2500 USD) for $250 while I was out of town just because she wanted some fun time cash.
This type of guy usually has a collection of something. Video games, action figures, sports memorabilia. Whatever it is, he's definitely too old for it, so it can go in the trash too.
He's a jerk & so is her family for agreeing with him. Get rid of them all!!
I have just one question, has she thrown out some of his stuff without consulting him? If not then he's just an outright AH. If so, then maybe he's done that as retaliation. Still makes him an AH, but possibly a justified AH.
And I'm sure the two of you in cels will be very happy together crying lonely tears into each other's shoulders bemoaning the whole female gender.
Load More Replies...
52
48