Keep it PG-friendly though!
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what the best type of joke dead baby jokes because they never get's old
"Knock knock?"
"who's there?"
"Not Grandma, she's dead."
I told that joke to my mom when she was bugging out before my grandmother's funeral. My mom has a pretty dark sense of humor so she laughed.
wow that's dark even for me sense i also have a pretty dark sense of humor
Could not say because they are horrific and would get me insta downvoted.
eggs in an incubator for us to dissect the embryos in biology, the incubator beeps, i say, "dinner's ready" (funny thing is we named our embryo dinner)
Ok, going out on a limb right now. You asked for “dark”.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She’s already been told twice.
A man wakes up from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and irritatedly tells him 'I can't depend on you for anything now, can I?'
Three married men die, and are sent to heaven
the angel at the gate says:
"Heaven is a big place, so your ride will be determined by your faithfulness to your wives."
He says to the first man:
"you cheated on your wife but you were always nice to her, so you get a beat-up ford f 150"
To the second man he says:
"you were faithful to your wife, but not nice to her, so you get an SUV"
And he says to the third man:
" you were always nice to your wife and never cheated so you get a Lamborghini"
Later, they all meet up.
The first two men realize that the third man is sad so they ask him:
"Why are you so sad"
he replies:
"My wife just went by on a scooter"
I remembered another: If you go skydiving and the chute doesn't open, it's okay. You still have the rest of your life to figure it out.
What's big, yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
I still feel bad about this one but it just sort of slipped out, okay?
so my friend is very short, and angry. like the stereotypical short person, yk, and had been bitten by a dog on her face 3 years ago, needing a lot of stitches. she still has a scar on her lip, though it’s pretty faded now. and so one day she was arguing with me, and it was sort of lighthearted, and she was threatening to beat me up (all jokes)
so then I said (again, very sorry) “Come on, you’re all bark and no bite…. we’ll, you do have one,” and gestured to my lip.
what do you call a white person that lost their job?
a fire cracker
(don't cancel me
A man is walking on a wooded trail deep in a forest. Suddenly a little girl jumps out from a thicket crying. "Mister! Mister! My dad had a heart attack and drove the car into a lake with my mommy and brother still inside! You have to help me!" the girl begs. The man sighs and replies, "Today is just not your day" as he unzips his pants.
My friend in school says these racist, homophobic, anti-religious (nobody cares about that cuz they’re all religious) and they’re so funny I never tell him it’s rude. Some are normal like this one:
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a baby? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage. Here’s another one: How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends how thinly you slice them.
person i know said on my bus "My moms an instrument!" me not missing a beat "Because people play her so much?"
what did the blind orphan get for Christmas?
cancer :(
All my jokes r dark and dirty and would prob get downvoted! BOOP!
idk, countless… (if you ask i will tell in da comments)
What’s black and white and red all over? A convict who got shanked.
Heard someone say “a penguin in a blender” like damn I don’t wanna die today 😭 (fyi don’t wanna die today, I wanted to die yesterday)
I was at the seaside, thinking about climate change and there was a man next to me, skimming stones. I thought: ‘Well that isn’t helping.’
My boyfriend does not have a mother. Whenever he asks me what I am doing I respond with "Your mom" and then spice it up a bit with finishing with the lines: "Oh wait. Thats right. You dont have one."
one time i said to my friend i was annoyed with "i'm gonna f*ck your mom." (this sounds weird but i'm AFAB and it usually gets a laugh) and without missing a beat he said, "my mom's dead." i laughed and he said, "no seriously my mom's dead" and suddenly i remembered his mom is dead 0_o
A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. "What's that for?" askes the bartender. The vampire takes out a tampon and says "Tea time!"
Guy with a defib device in his chest died of congestive heart failure... at 10:00... at 10:01... 10:02...
I picked up a pepperoni and said this:
" Hi My name is Bess and I used to live on the farm with my 3 children and happy life until I got chopped off but I'm dead and delicious now."
Turns out my friend didn't find it funny. I mean she ate the pepperoni though.
1. a disabled man broke up with his girlfriend and so she took away his weelchair. why did she do this
So he would come running back
2.why did the orphan become a criminal? he wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted! (if you are not an orphan then it would be wrong to say this but i am one) if you post a comment i will upvote you because i cant comment. People down vote me because of my religion so i cant comment please upvote me so i can thank you JESUS LOVES YOU !!!! HAVE AN AMAZING DAY KNOWING YOU ARE LOVED
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
I read that before, and told it to a friend, she broke into tears, because, turns out she found out she was adopted 2 weeks before.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.
Now why was ten afraid?
Because he was stuck between 9/11
why did 7 eat 9? because your supposed to eat three squared meals a day
A friend asked me this: "what's yellow and cant swim" and i replied with: "a toddler with kidney disease" that was not the answer it was a school bus full of children. Both funny
