I wrote a goodbye letter.
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Dear Addiction,
It's true that I loved you and gave you years of my life
I was at your mercy- without you I couldn't suffice.
I loved the drain, the taste, the smell
You gave me thirty minutes of pleasure
I lived hours in Hell.
I realized one night while lying in bed
You wanted nothing more than to see me dead.
You nearly succeeded- I came close to giving in
But I came to my senses and let my recovery begin.
I won't say I don't miss you because that is untrue
But I've learned I am strong enough to live without you.
I never thought I'd be able to say goodbye
But I deserve more out of life than your lies.
Gone Forever,
Marsha
I have a very addictive personality and have never truly beaten addiction, but rather... worked around it.
After following the addiction rise through harder substances I decided to find a lesser evil to transfer my addiction to.
Now instead of drugs, it's games (on PC, PlayStation, mobile it doesn't matter as long as it hasn't got micro transactions).
Instead of alcohol it growing plants and veg and building my own farm, keeping miniature donkeys and pygmy goats.
I think I've made it sound easier than it is, but I'm ASPD so it's always been about focusing and controlling my 'needs & urges'.
It's never easy. I've been clean for 11 months and still struggle everyday
Years and years of denial and telling myself I could control it or it wasn’t that big of deal. I would go through treatment and I always had some excuse to start up (I will just drink for my birthday, I will just drink for this holiday etc)…but it NEVER stopped after the holiday was over. Finally I went to treatment with a different outlook. I realized it wasn’t something I could control and I needed to make it a permanent lifestyle change and not just take breaks for months at a time. It’s a mental mindset, you have to understand you just aren’t like most people and it will keep coming back to haunt you unless you commit to never touching it again. If you do relapse, don’t throw a pitty party just get right back on that wagon and don’t look back. If you drink every day and make great plans to never run out of booze, you have an issue even if you think your functional. It’s slowly killing you.
For a former drunk like me there is no getting over it. I accept that I am an alcoholic everyday. Ive learned that my brain is trying to kill me in the sense that a little voice tells me that I deserve a drink. I deserve to kick back at the end of the day or the start of one and drink. That when I drink I am transformed into a man with James bond good looks with Hemingway's writing ability. It's all lies.
I accept me for who I am. A flawed perfect man. I acknowledge my defects and work towards bettering myself. To become the person I want to become. When I fail ( which I do often) I pause and look at what I did wrong.
As long as I fall asleep at the end of the day with sober eyes I have won. Yes I know I could have done better. I work on my patience with my son. I try not to be so lazy at work. I work on not being so negative.
I trudge the happy road of destiny. No matter how hard or unfair it can be I plod along. For it's in the journey that I find beauty. I find peace. I find love. I find that I am not alone.
So come along with me if you dare. For this path isn't easy but one thing is for sure. It is not boring either.
Beautiful. I am with you in this journey. I am grateful in recovery yet every day , every minute is a battle with myself. It's hard to be strong but I do know that I am not perfect and never will be. As just as you said, when I close my eyes and have made it through the day without using, it is yet another win.
