Some people have such a specific vision for what will happen at their wedding that they forget humans have free will and won’t always do exactly what they want. As much as one might want another couple to hit it off at your wedding reception, you can’t fake romantic chemistry.
A groomsman shared the awkward experience of being “assigned” to a bridesmaid just because they were the same race. Drama ensued when the two didn’t immediately hit it off and he instead danced with another woman. Readers were split on who overreacted in the subsequent disagreement.
The stress of putting together a wedding might blind people to reality
Image credits: romankosolapov (not the actual photo)
A man left a wedding early after being “interrogated” for not being interested in a bridesmaid of his race
Image credits: Danik Prihodko (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Cheap-Arm-2966
Image credits: romankosolapov (not the actual photo)
Wedding dynamics can be a lot more stressful than they really should be
While we can’t peer into Liz’s or Kelly’s minds, OP is correct to be a bit suspicious that they were simply put together because they are the same race. The alternative, better option is that Liz and Kelly both decided that OP would be a great match and engineered parts of the wedding to help set them up. We will probably never know who initiated the idea to attempt some matchmaking, but it’s clear that both women forgot just how important basic human chemistry is.
It’s also possible that in the rush and stress of putting together a wedding, Liz simply didn’t think about it enough and then was disappointed her strategy didn’t pan out. Statistics show that in most weddings, the bride does disproportionately more work. We do not know the dynamics of Liz and Tom’s wedding, but it does seem that the idea of “assigning” the bridesmaids and groomsmen was her idea. This points to her planning more of the ceremony. It’s not hard to imagine being annoyed when your weeks or even months of work don’t pan out because you can’t force a person to fall for someone else.
Managing expectations is an important part of being an adult, and studies show that it’s particularly important when it comes to weddings. One piece of research showed that there was a correlation between unrealistically high expectations for the ceremony and reception and divorce rates. While it does seem that the entire thing went quite well, the bride did appear to be disproportionately unhappy with Kelly and OP not becoming an item.
Image credits: Thomas William (not the actual photo)
The bride should have simply taken no for an answer
Setting aside the racial question, as we can’t really know who paired up Kelly and OP, both Liz and Kelly seemed bizarrely defensive over him turning her down. Kelly’s comments about them being perfect, despite living in different cities and not being friends beforehand indicates that she already has some information about him. It is entirely possible that she requested that he be “assigned” to her. Perhaps it’s Kelly, not Liz, who needed to manage her expectations when OP didn’t immediately bite.
The real eyebrow-raiser is neither woman accepting that he is not interested and attempting to talk him into it. When that failed, they turned to harassing him over interacting with Jen. It’s somewhat telling that they try to disparage Jen as if this will suddenly make OP change his mind. While there is a minor age difference, it’s nowhere near as significant as Liz or Kelly make it out to be. Regardless, Jen is clearly an educated, adult woman and quite capable of making her own decisions. Kelly crying later shows that, despite her greater age, she is, in fact, not quite mature enough for OP.
While most readers did agree with OP, some of the dissenting voices focused on him leaving early. After all, he was Tom’s groomsman, so he’s not just ditching Liz, he’s ditching Tom as well. That being said, it does seem like his presence was already causing some distress for Kelly, regardless of how irrational and immature her reaction was. So perhaps leaving was the lesser of two evils.
Image credits: Nathan Dumlao (not the actual photo)
Most commenters thought OP was not to blame
A few thought he did the right thing and OP replied with his thoughts
The people voting anyone YTA for having preferences and not pleasing the wants of a sexual harasser who cannot take a 'no' is baffling. Imagine it was a man hounding a woman? And yes, if it's not clicking and both people have nothing in common, it's definitely legitimate to wonder if the pairing was only made for looks or skin colour. He cannot be TA here because she was a stranger and he owes her nothing. They had no prior commitment and no relationship. She's not entitled to him dancing with her and both of them are not entitled to him doing what they want him to do in this situation. It absolutely doesn't matter why he wasn't interested in Kelly. He communicated no, she insisted, so he made up a lie to stop the completely inappropriate discussion. That's all on her! Don't pressure people into something they already told you they don't want. Stop trying to convince people to 'give you a chance'. That's just plain old harassment.
I’m also baffled how they jumped to OP preferring white women. There’s nothing to indicate that it’s a trend or his specific “type”. Just that he didn’t like this one particular Black Woman and did like this one particular White Woman. That Liz and Kelly would get upset that he danced ONCE with another bridesmaid is ridiculous. If there’s more bridesmaids than groomsmen, then absolutely the groomsmen should spread the dances around and try to ensure the “unmatched” bridesmaids get some fun time to dance too. Then yes, it all blew up from there because a couple women have watched way too many Hallmark Movies and OP didn’t play to script (nor should he). Slight YTA for having Jen come up to his room 5 min after it all went down, though. Dude, just be friends with her and not hook up at the wedding. Now, if they keep talking and hook up later, that’s totally different.
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I'm not racist, I have black friends, look over there they... Oh my God, they're talking to the white people, how dare they! Get away from the white woman you deviant!
Exactly this! Sounds like Liz likes black people "just fine"...so long as they "know their place." 🙄
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Yeah I don’t get the ESH and YTAs. Kelly couldn’t take the hint - that’s not on OP.
The people voting anyone YTA for having preferences and not pleasing the wants of a sexual harasser who cannot take a 'no' is baffling. Imagine it was a man hounding a woman? And yes, if it's not clicking and both people have nothing in common, it's definitely legitimate to wonder if the pairing was only made for looks or skin colour. He cannot be TA here because she was a stranger and he owes her nothing. They had no prior commitment and no relationship. She's not entitled to him dancing with her and both of them are not entitled to him doing what they want him to do in this situation. It absolutely doesn't matter why he wasn't interested in Kelly. He communicated no, she insisted, so he made up a lie to stop the completely inappropriate discussion. That's all on her! Don't pressure people into something they already told you they don't want. Stop trying to convince people to 'give you a chance'. That's just plain old harassment.
I’m also baffled how they jumped to OP preferring white women. There’s nothing to indicate that it’s a trend or his specific “type”. Just that he didn’t like this one particular Black Woman and did like this one particular White Woman. That Liz and Kelly would get upset that he danced ONCE with another bridesmaid is ridiculous. If there’s more bridesmaids than groomsmen, then absolutely the groomsmen should spread the dances around and try to ensure the “unmatched” bridesmaids get some fun time to dance too. Then yes, it all blew up from there because a couple women have watched way too many Hallmark Movies and OP didn’t play to script (nor should he). Slight YTA for having Jen come up to his room 5 min after it all went down, though. Dude, just be friends with her and not hook up at the wedding. Now, if they keep talking and hook up later, that’s totally different.
Load More Replies... I'm not racist, I have black friends, look over there they... Oh my God, they're talking to the white people, how dare they! Get away from the white woman you deviant!
Exactly this! Sounds like Liz likes black people "just fine"...so long as they "know their place." 🙄
Load More Replies... Yeah I don’t get the ESH and YTAs. Kelly couldn’t take the hint - that’s not on OP.
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