Mom Is Disgusted With Kids’ Lack Of Grief Over Their Late Stepfather, Their Real Dad Steps In To Bring Her Back To Earth
Interview
Grief is one of the strongest human emotions, and it’s no secret that it cannot be forced. Nor can it be hurried. Everyone deals with loss differently, and this is a very individual experience.
Recently, a story featuring family drama caught everyone’s attention on the AITA community. “My ex-wife and I share two children. Our daughter is 13 and our son is 11. She was remarried for 7 years and has two children with her late husband. He died a week ago,” the dad wrote.
It turns out that the mom was not happy with the fact her kids weren’t grieving her husband’s loss that much. So she kept pushing them into feeling and showing more sadness, which just didn’t sit well with the kids’ dad.
Dad wonders if he crossed the line when he lashed out at his ex-wife for pushing their kids into grieving her late husband
Image credits: Elina Fairytale (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ivan Samkov (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Vera Arsic (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jordan Bergendahl (not the actual photo)
“No one can force us to feel anything,” an expert says
“Grief has many faces and is unique for each person. There is no wrong way to grieve,” Jennifer Williams, the founder of Heartmanity and the Heartmanity Center, located in Bozeman, Montana, told Bored Panda while commenting on the story.
“No one can force us to feel anything. Emotions are personal and intimately woven into the fabric of our experiences and relationships. Emotions are how we as human beings interpret and process our experiences,” she explained.
“Pressure to feel grief or guilting a child because their experience of a loss is different is unhelpful”
Moreover, Williams explained that pressure to feel grief or guilting a child because their experience of a loss is different than we expect (or want) is unhelpful. “As parents, our job is to support children with love and nonjudgmental compassion (even though this might be challenging when we ourselves are grieving, like the mother in this article).”
Williams added that the goal is to assist children to allow their feelings to unfold naturally and help them integrate their experience.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
“If a stepparent hasn’t truly connected with their children, one of the faces of grief presents itself as silent relief”
Meanwhile, stepparenting is complex. “Children often feel so much grief over a divorce prior to a parent remarrying that it can be tough for children to bond with their stepparent. They might even feel guilty for liking or loving their stepparent,” Williams told us.
“A stepparent’s primary job is to consistently connect and build a loving relationship with their stepchildren,” she explained.
Williams explained when we grieve a loss, it is often linked to how much we miss the person’s presence in our lives and how much they mean to us.
“Grief allows us to process the loss. Therefore, if a person (or stepparent) hasn’t truly connected with their children or seen them for who they are, or they haven’t shared positive and meaningful experiences with them, perhaps one of the faces of grief presents itself as silent relief.”
The dad went into more detail about why his kids didn’t have a good relationship with their stepdad
Image credits: KaleidoscopeLeft7130
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Grieving is not just an emotional experience, it goes hand in hand with intense sadness, profound loss, and psychological pain. In fact, grief has a physical side that increases a variety of health risks.
According to Dr. Maureen Malin, a geriatric psychiatrist with Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital, “most of these side effects are the result of emotional distress responses.” In fact, grieving, just like intense stress, “affects the whole body and all organ systems, and especially the immune system.”
There’s also enough evidence backing up the fact that when grieving, our immune cell function falls and inflammatory responses rise. What’s more, the heartbreak of grief is said to increase blood pressure and even heighten the risk of blood clots.
Extreme stress, the kind experienced after the loss of a loved one, is associated with changes in heart muscle cells or coronary blood vessels (or both) that prevent the left ventricle from contracting effectively — a condition called stress-induced cardiomyopathy or broken-heart syndrome. The symptoms are similar to those of a heart attack: chest pain and shortness of breath.
Many people showed their support in the comments
Sure, maybe that stepdad really did love those kids. Seems he was fair as far as treatment regarding his biological kids anyway....but that is totally irrelevant. Those kids did not love their stepfather, that's a plain and simple fact. I don't see what could be gained from them pretending to cry about it. They seem like good kids that tried to support their mom. Mom should be comforting the stepdad's bio kids who are likely much younger than OPs kids rather than trying to force the older kids to pretend to be sad.
Even if the kids had been close with their stepfather, they still might not have cried. Everyone grieves differently.
That's very true. You never know how you're going to react when someone close to you dies and it's not the same reaction for everyone that dies either. Some mean more than others and sometimes shock is masked by indifference too.
Load More Replies...
I had a father figure who also taught me to be an emotionless robot and made fun of me for any excitement I showed outwardly. Haven't spoken to him in over 10 years and I will LAUGH when he dies.
What's wrong with laughter? On the day we spread my grandfathers ashes I was a mess, despite everything we had done before that moment, it felt final. Then my sister put her foot through a rotten piece of wood on the dock of the lake we were at, and lost her shoe. And all I could do was laugh. She laughed, and so did everyone else, because my grandfather never liked it when people were sad, he wanted them to be happy. My point is, I loved my grandfather very much, but these kids did not love their step-dad. Kids have a very black and white view of the world, this was a ruler in theirs who did not allow them to be children and had expectations of them that they couldn't live up to, and by the sounds of it, may have punished them further for not loving him the way he wanted. You aren't the AH and your ex is just in denial, she saw the image in her head and decided it was reality. This may have been the first step into her seeing that her reality wasn't real.
I loved my late mother. We were very close. I laughed and cried at her funeral. Period amen.
If mom wanted real grieving she should have made sure the stepad was someone loveable to the kids while still alive.
I had a step mum once. Strict like a drill sergeant too, and very unfair towards me and my brother compared to her own little angels... Haven't seen or heard from her in over thirty years, but I hope I will be notified when she dies, I will buy a bottle of champagne and dance&sing all night long
Several things: 1. I've found that when people are grieving they can be very irrational, and things said in grief sometimes never go away. I've seen several cases of people who had an argument around the time a family member died, before the funeral, after the funeral, during the funeral, etc. etc. etc ... and a lot of times, those differences were NEVER resolved. People died without ever reconciling. 2. People grieve in their own way, and that includes laughing. 3. I get the impression this stepdad was VERY controlling, and it's possible that MAYBE the Mom, having been controlled by this person for 7 years, is still trying to please this person and live up to their expectations. The mental and emotional damage of being in a relationship with a very controlling person can be difficult to overcome. I have a relative who, decades later, still isn't the same, still kind of lives in a shell. To be honest, I feel sorry for everybody.
Totally NTA... kinda funny to hear some of the opinions. I'm a father. My whole life revolves around my kids. This dude went to a funeral in support of his kids. He defends his kids, and loves them. I can sometimes be hard on my kids, but I never stop showing how much I love them. Each one reacts different from the other. Treating them all the same across the board doesn't work. This father seems to really understand that and has a very level head. Standing up for your kids, no matter the situation is NEVER wrong. So to say he gets a pass... really? Or that he was wrong to stand up for them at a funeral? Or to say it's ok to not be upset. To let the children have their own opinions and support them in it? How about allowing them to be honest in how they feel? He did what any great father would've done. How about a unanimous agreement that being a father all the time for your kids no matter what, is what he was trying to do. Dude... your awesome. Don't ever change, continue to be a dad!
TBH your ex may just be grieving and encouraging grief the way she thinks people are “supposed” to grieve by Hollywood standards. There is, however, no “right” way to grieve. If his passing was sudden it can take a while to process and it means another big change for the kids. She shouldn’t try and force anything though which is what you’re saying so no. NTA
Furthermore, I call a spade a spade. My mum was a hard woman to live with. I say that aloud and get yelled at for speaking ill of the dead. But I feel like that’s disingenuous. We shouldn’t turn people into something they weren’t after they’re gone. It’s dishonest and you aren’t truly remembering or respecting their memory.
Load More Replies...
My grandmother was my life. She was the coolest, badassed woman I have ever known, and I have loved no one more than her. She died in my arms, during my university finals. I did not shed a single tear for 3 weeks. On the last day of my tests, I went home and brokedown completely for 3 days straight. You don't have to cry immediately or even at all. People grieve differently. There is no handbook or best practices for that.
At my grandmother's funeral, I was inconsolable. However, my grandmother was an amazing woman and had essentially been one of my best friends. Whenever something crazy was going on in my life, I would tell her what happened and then when I was seventeen, she was gone. It will be twenty years this year and I still cry for her somedays. However, it seems like there was no love between the step children and step dad and to me that is a failure on the mom's part. She apparently didn't see how this man treated her children and now is expecting them to grieve for him. You can't force someone to grieve if they don't feel it. Laughing is something that you are supposed to do while grieving. You are not supposed to cry all day. Even when my grandmother died, we all still laughed while remembering the good times. These kids were not at the grave laughing, they were in a car parked away, therefore their laughter should not bother their mother.
That mom is never going to love those kids again. All she'll see when she looks at them is a brat who tells her she's glad her husband is dead, at said husband's funeral, before flouncing off. I fail to see how the kids were "supporting" her in a way she should be proud of. They did their level best to make this difficult, and dad had to drag them through most of it. They couldn't even read a twenty second generic poem or something? Or sit with their mom? Their mom could tell they were *gleeful* about her husband dying, *that's* why she was so focused on trying to get them to show otherwise: she was in denial that they were these people. JFC, seriously, they just set that relationship on fire, and their mom will never look at them the same.
YTA. That guy went to the funeral to make trouble with his ex and is now casting himself as the aggrieved party. He didn’t need to go - his kids had his exs family to look after them. Yes, the kids did not need to perform grief but he should have told them to act somber and respectful instead of yukking it up with them. Even if the stepfather was horrible, their mother deserved that respect. Instead, after egging the kids on, this guy gets into a screaming fight with his ex. At her husband’s funeral. She should have had the funeral director remove him when he showed up because he was there to disrupt things.
Sure, maybe that stepdad really did love those kids. Seems he was fair as far as treatment regarding his biological kids anyway....but that is totally irrelevant. Those kids did not love their stepfather, that's a plain and simple fact. I don't see what could be gained from them pretending to cry about it. They seem like good kids that tried to support their mom. Mom should be comforting the stepdad's bio kids who are likely much younger than OPs kids rather than trying to force the older kids to pretend to be sad.
Even if the kids had been close with their stepfather, they still might not have cried. Everyone grieves differently.
That's very true. You never know how you're going to react when someone close to you dies and it's not the same reaction for everyone that dies either. Some mean more than others and sometimes shock is masked by indifference too.
Load More Replies... I had a father figure who also taught me to be an emotionless robot and made fun of me for any excitement I showed outwardly. Haven't spoken to him in over 10 years and I will LAUGH when he dies.
What's wrong with laughter? On the day we spread my grandfathers ashes I was a mess, despite everything we had done before that moment, it felt final. Then my sister put her foot through a rotten piece of wood on the dock of the lake we were at, and lost her shoe. And all I could do was laugh. She laughed, and so did everyone else, because my grandfather never liked it when people were sad, he wanted them to be happy. My point is, I loved my grandfather very much, but these kids did not love their step-dad. Kids have a very black and white view of the world, this was a ruler in theirs who did not allow them to be children and had expectations of them that they couldn't live up to, and by the sounds of it, may have punished them further for not loving him the way he wanted. You aren't the AH and your ex is just in denial, she saw the image in her head and decided it was reality. This may have been the first step into her seeing that her reality wasn't real.
I loved my late mother. We were very close. I laughed and cried at her funeral. Period amen.
If mom wanted real grieving she should have made sure the stepad was someone loveable to the kids while still alive.
I had a step mum once. Strict like a drill sergeant too, and very unfair towards me and my brother compared to her own little angels... Haven't seen or heard from her in over thirty years, but I hope I will be notified when she dies, I will buy a bottle of champagne and dance&sing all night long
Several things: 1. I've found that when people are grieving they can be very irrational, and things said in grief sometimes never go away. I've seen several cases of people who had an argument around the time a family member died, before the funeral, after the funeral, during the funeral, etc. etc. etc ... and a lot of times, those differences were NEVER resolved. People died without ever reconciling. 2. People grieve in their own way, and that includes laughing. 3. I get the impression this stepdad was VERY controlling, and it's possible that MAYBE the Mom, having been controlled by this person for 7 years, is still trying to please this person and live up to their expectations. The mental and emotional damage of being in a relationship with a very controlling person can be difficult to overcome. I have a relative who, decades later, still isn't the same, still kind of lives in a shell. To be honest, I feel sorry for everybody.
Totally NTA... kinda funny to hear some of the opinions. I'm a father. My whole life revolves around my kids. This dude went to a funeral in support of his kids. He defends his kids, and loves them. I can sometimes be hard on my kids, but I never stop showing how much I love them. Each one reacts different from the other. Treating them all the same across the board doesn't work. This father seems to really understand that and has a very level head. Standing up for your kids, no matter the situation is NEVER wrong. So to say he gets a pass... really? Or that he was wrong to stand up for them at a funeral? Or to say it's ok to not be upset. To let the children have their own opinions and support them in it? How about allowing them to be honest in how they feel? He did what any great father would've done. How about a unanimous agreement that being a father all the time for your kids no matter what, is what he was trying to do. Dude... your awesome. Don't ever change, continue to be a dad!
TBH your ex may just be grieving and encouraging grief the way she thinks people are “supposed” to grieve by Hollywood standards. There is, however, no “right” way to grieve. If his passing was sudden it can take a while to process and it means another big change for the kids. She shouldn’t try and force anything though which is what you’re saying so no. NTA
Furthermore, I call a spade a spade. My mum was a hard woman to live with. I say that aloud and get yelled at for speaking ill of the dead. But I feel like that’s disingenuous. We shouldn’t turn people into something they weren’t after they’re gone. It’s dishonest and you aren’t truly remembering or respecting their memory.
Load More Replies... My grandmother was my life. She was the coolest, badassed woman I have ever known, and I have loved no one more than her. She died in my arms, during my university finals. I did not shed a single tear for 3 weeks. On the last day of my tests, I went home and brokedown completely for 3 days straight. You don't have to cry immediately or even at all. People grieve differently. There is no handbook or best practices for that.
At my grandmother's funeral, I was inconsolable. However, my grandmother was an amazing woman and had essentially been one of my best friends. Whenever something crazy was going on in my life, I would tell her what happened and then when I was seventeen, she was gone. It will be twenty years this year and I still cry for her somedays. However, it seems like there was no love between the step children and step dad and to me that is a failure on the mom's part. She apparently didn't see how this man treated her children and now is expecting them to grieve for him. You can't force someone to grieve if they don't feel it. Laughing is something that you are supposed to do while grieving. You are not supposed to cry all day. Even when my grandmother died, we all still laughed while remembering the good times. These kids were not at the grave laughing, they were in a car parked away, therefore their laughter should not bother their mother.
That mom is never going to love those kids again. All she'll see when she looks at them is a brat who tells her she's glad her husband is dead, at said husband's funeral, before flouncing off. I fail to see how the kids were "supporting" her in a way she should be proud of. They did their level best to make this difficult, and dad had to drag them through most of it. They couldn't even read a twenty second generic poem or something? Or sit with their mom? Their mom could tell they were *gleeful* about her husband dying, *that's* why she was so focused on trying to get them to show otherwise: she was in denial that they were these people. JFC, seriously, they just set that relationship on fire, and their mom will never look at them the same.
YTA. That guy went to the funeral to make trouble with his ex and is now casting himself as the aggrieved party. He didn’t need to go - his kids had his exs family to look after them. Yes, the kids did not need to perform grief but he should have told them to act somber and respectful instead of yukking it up with them. Even if the stepfather was horrible, their mother deserved that respect. Instead, after egging the kids on, this guy gets into a screaming fight with his ex. At her husband’s funeral. She should have had the funeral director remove him when he showed up because he was there to disrupt things.
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