Sister Ditches Her Kids With A Childfree Brother And His Wife, Woman Asks For A Divorce
You know how we’ve adopted the saying about life handing you lemons to somehow motivate ourselves through the challenges we face along the way? Well, our existence is full of surprises that even the freshest glass of lemonade won’t fix.
This Redditor, for instance, is looking to part ways with her spouse after his sister dumped her kids on him. The couple were both decidedly childfree, and the woman isn’t willing to compromise her freedom, even in such saddening circumstances.
More info: Reddit
A childfree couple found themselves caring for the man’s sister’s children
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
However, despite feeling bad for the kids, the woman is unwilling to sacrifice her freedom
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jesper Sehested (not the actual photo)
Image source: u/No_Split_9680
“AITAH for wanting to divorce my husband over kids?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s communities, asking its members if she’s indeed a jerk for wanting to call it quits with her husband over kids that his sister burdened him with. The post managed to garner nearly 23K upvotes as well as 14.7K comments discussing the situation.
Now, did you know that according to a 2022 piece from Nature, an open-access journal that publishes high-quality research, “childfree adults are quite common and comprise over one-fifth (21.64%) of the population”?
Personal freedom, career focus, money, lifestyle choices, past traumas, lack of parental instinct, simple disinterest, etc. – there are truly a million and one reasons why someone would want to lead a life without being responsible for a tiny human.
It’s just not easy!
You’re accountable for their physical, emotional, and psychological well-being. Parenting, in general, is incredibly time and energy-consuming, and you have to have a strong emotional commitment. Your sleep schedule gets messed up, and we all know what happens to some folks when they don’t get their 8 hours. You constantly worry about every little thing. You have to answer a boatload of “whys?” and deal with the so-called question avalanche daily, help with their homework when you already have forgotten the solutions to all the math equations – and then on top of that, also somehow prepare and survive the ups and downs of their forthcoming teenage years.
Don’t get me wrong, children are lovely! They’re indeed the flowers of life; it’s just that some people don’t have the energy or interest to cherish and nurture them for longer than 5 minutes, especially when the kids in question were literally dumped on your doorstep by a neglectful family member.
She brought up the divorce, but he lashed out at her for abandoning him when he needed her
Image credits: The Sleep Judge (not the actual photo)
The original poster, a 29-year-old woman, met her now-husband back in college, and they’ve lived their child-free life ever since! Unfortunately, their peaceful existence was disturbed a few months ago when the man’s sister abandoned her three children – all from different “deadbeat” dads whose involvement was never mentioned – at their house, claiming that she had an errand to run.
Reports were filed, CPS was involved, and the couple eventually managed to find out that the mother was safe – however, without any intention to come back.
Naturally, the OP felt incredibly sad for the children, yet she didn’t want to raise them and was convinced that her spouse was of a similar opinion until she learned otherwise. The discovery then prompted the Redditor to throw in the towel and ask for a divorce as she wasn’t happy about committing to such a huge responsibility; the husband, of course, wasn’t ecstatic about the news and lashed out at the woman for abandoning him when he needed her.
The situation is very delicate, and the majority of r/AITAH community members couldn’t pinpoint the jerk in this scenario – but what is your take, Pandas? Do you think the OP is wrong for leaving her spouse?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the situation
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I just love how the one who wants to keep the kids is barely doing anything at all to parent them and then becomes angry and befuddled when the one who was open and honest about never having kids gets sick of having parenthood foisted onto her is done and wants to leave the situation.
She should ask him to take two-weeks vacation and have him stay home and "parent" every day 24/7 for those two weeks. He will definitely get a different view of child rearing.
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Not the mother. Nor the miscellaneous deadbeat dads. They’ve successfully ditched all of their responsibilities.
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Who the actual F*** tried to attack OP about "marriage vows"? Since when do vows include "Accept all boundary-stomping behaviour and your partner unilaterally deciding to disrespect previously agreed upon decisions"? Also, yeah, of course the guy says "Of COURSE we'll take the kids in!" - he's not doing any of the work or taking on any responsibility. His life isn't changing too much - so he doesn't care. The fact that this is how he's reacting says a whole lot about who this person really married - aka: "I don't actually care about 'us' or the 'you' part of it. Things are only good as long as it's what *my* needs dictate".
It's irrelevant anyway... divorce exists because somewhere along the lines we learned people are terrible at making lifelong commitments when they don't know what the future holds. Some couples can, others can't, and that's why divorce was invented.
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I don't have/want kids either. If your hubby wants them, tell him only if he wfh and takes on 100% of care and cost. Start going into work. Drop them at daycare, let him pay that bill. Divorce him. Leave bc this is the s**t hitting the fan and he's telling you that you don't matter -get out!
I wouldn't even do that - remember it's still you who has to go through some hellish pregnancy büllshit and give birth to them.
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NTA. CPS told them to figure out what they were going to do, and OP did the right thing and hurried up her decision process so that her husband knew that she would not be raising these kids. That means he either has to raise them alone on his salary, or give them up. Think how much worse it would have been for him if they decided to keep them and THEN she decided she couldn't take it anymore and jumped ship!! She's doing everything right and being responsible.
Speaking as a former foster kid, unless you hit the jackpot with getting into a good foster home, it can be hell on earth. In too many cases, the abuse (use your imagination as to what kind, I've endured it all) is worse than what the children experienced with their biological parents. However, this is not always the case. OP is actually looking at the situation realistically: she and her husband absolutely cannot afford to raise one child, let alone three. To attempt to do so would not only force them into debt, but possibly leave the children worse off than if they had gone into foster care. Also, it appears that OP'S husband pretty much made the decision with no regard for OP'S desire to remain childfree. Leaving now would be her best option, as the entire responsibility of raising the children would be on her shoulders. CPS would have to step in and do what is best for them. Hubby may call OP an AH, but he's a bigger one if he thinks he can ignore her boundaries without penalty.
Jesus, what a pickle, I lasted 8months when I got a surprise kid, I really really tried. But I feel the same way about raising kids and I’m nearly 40, so good on her for staying true to herself.
NTA! U r still young urself and taking on 3 kids, at those ages is a MASSIVE change! That would b hard for me as a childless 45 yo woman, and I've always WANTED kids. Whether he wants to admit it or not, BOTH ur lives will change massively. I think he's realizing that he won't b able to do it himself and NEEDS OP, which is not fair to u. This is a crappy situation all the way around. Maybe OP's MIL can move in with the soon to be ex, and they can raise them together. But do NOT let this family guilt trip u into staying. YES! MAYBE this could b a life changing event for u. But what if it's not?! This is in no way fair to anyone involved, but that does NOT mean OP has to sacrifice the rest of her life for someone else's mistakes.
My 1st call would've been, "Hello? CPS?" since hubs is not around to "parent" his niblings.
Let all of the family members calling her an a*****e take the kids in. I'm sure they won't mind, right, since they're family and family helps each other out?
NTA you & your husband decided before marriage not to have children. I do feel for the children. If he wants to take on his nephews & niece then HE needs to be more involved. Just because you WFH doesn't mean you get paid to sit at home doing nothing. If he's working all those hours then he should have the money for daycare. Or he could sue his sister for child support. This is all terrible for the children the guardian is unavailable, as are you ( it's OK that you don't have the maternal instinct, motherhood isn't for every woman.)
Your personal vow to him was that you do not want children. Your marriage may be broken by his judging you, not by you sticking to a vow you made to him and yourself about remaining childless. Can they go to someone else in the family? Can you financially support his mother taking them for a few years, then step in when they are old enough to take care of most of their own needs? While they are little, they need a lot more than you should have to give, but maybe there is some compromise literally outside of the box that is your house.
The a§§holes in this are the SIL and the husband. She up and left her kids. He claims to want to "support his family," but doesn't seem to be willing to make the necessary changes in order to do that. The mother has already done the parenting thing and because of her job, can't take on the financial burden; that's perfectly reasonable. The OP knows that parenting is not a responsibility she wants, and that's perfectly reasonable too.
NTA. I completely agree with what you're saying. My husband and I are child free as well and I've made it clear that I don't want to be a parent. However, i feel awful for the kids. They're basically told that no one wants them, not even their own mom. My heart just breaks for them.
You'll probably need to divorce now, either way. If he does give up the children, he's going to resent you and blame you for being selfish. If he doesn't give up the children, he expects you to raise them - not him. The relationship has already deteriorated past salvaging, even if mom came back and took back the kids. The trust is gone.
Life is not a rehearsal. Leave and live your life. You have been propelled into a situation not of your choosing by a man who made a decision he had no right to do.
If you leave, he'll be resentful, but if you stay, you'll be resentful.
While it would be admirable to make such a huge and lifelong commitment...you don't have to be the hero in this story. You get to make your own choices and your husband calling you an AH for not wanting to raise three children when you would be doing most of it on your own....the sacrifice is not yours. You are wise as you'd probably resent and divorce your husband in the long run. As for vows....get real people, Christians have the highest rate of divorce in the US and Canada. Go be the heroine in another story...Your own.
I hate this kind of AITAH post. The kind where everyone is doing the right thing, but it's still heartbreaking for everyone. Especially with kids involved, it's so sad.
Is the husband doing the right thing? He’s made a massive life changing decision, which he knows is entirely contrary to his wife’s wishes, without her consent. More to the point, he is putting all the burden on her. And, when presented with this uncomfortable truths, he lashes out. And that’s to say nothing for the kids’ actual parents who 100% are not doing the right thing.
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This woman is absolutely the AH. When family needs your help you step up. If you don't you're the AH. But everyone has every right to be an AH. That's what I don't understand. She knows she's the AH. (The truth is everyone sucks here) So own it. Own the fact that you are a self serving AH and walk away and go live your life. Accept the truth about yourself and do what you feel you should do. But you are absolutely the AH.
The husband's behaviour after his sister does essentially the same thing but worse, suggests this is something they learned at home. NTA.
I just feel bad for the kids. I mean their parents have completely abandoned them, their grandma doesn't want them and their aunt is getting a divorce so she doesn't have to look after them either. The only one who wants them is their uncle who can't look after them anyway. But my question is: what about school? The 5yo could be in school and the twins in preschool. I didn't read all of the details but if they haven't been enrolled in a school yet surely it would get a lot better when they do and are out of the house for 6hrs of the day. The uncle could even do the school run in the morning. I understand however that this lady doesn't want kids so is there really no other relatives? Couldn't the grandma babysit at least for a couple hours in the week? Couldn't the uncle learn how to look after them? Divorce seems a bit drastic at this point but it's a hard situation.
I am sorry first for the kids. In the future mayb they will remember that nobody wanted them. Also, the wif has no responsabilities for the kids. Its curious how some people blame wrong.
Just want to play devils advocate for a moment. If it were a man asking his wife for a divorce for the same reason, would the NTA be getting this much support? Or would everyone be calling him an a*s?
It wouldn't make a difference. One partner just doesn't get to change the terms of the marriage unilaterally. Certainly not with something as consequential as raising children.
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Then if she finds she doesn't like it and has to walk away? That would be worse for the children. Having yet another person walk away... that would be horrible. It's the husband who wants to do this so he should be the one to make the changes in his life, not her. You can't be partially in or out with children, how confusing would that be?
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Problem solved, guys. Donna is going to take on the kids. Let us know how you get on, Don.
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Husband: “I have decided that you will take on my sister’s children. This has not been agreed with you and is entirely against both your wishes and our agreement upon marriage. I will not help with raising the children. We cannot afford to raise the children.” I agree that *someone* does not deserve to be married any longer.
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Speaking as a mother of 2, how on earth is the OP the selfish one in this? Entirely removing the fact that she doesn't want the responsibility, they're not in a financial position to care for children. That's not selfishness, that's reality.
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I just love how the one who wants to keep the kids is barely doing anything at all to parent them and then becomes angry and befuddled when the one who was open and honest about never having kids gets sick of having parenthood foisted onto her is done and wants to leave the situation.
She should ask him to take two-weeks vacation and have him stay home and "parent" every day 24/7 for those two weeks. He will definitely get a different view of child rearing.
Load More Replies... Not the mother. Nor the miscellaneous deadbeat dads. They’ve successfully ditched all of their responsibilities.
Load More Replies... Who the actual F*** tried to attack OP about "marriage vows"? Since when do vows include "Accept all boundary-stomping behaviour and your partner unilaterally deciding to disrespect previously agreed upon decisions"? Also, yeah, of course the guy says "Of COURSE we'll take the kids in!" - he's not doing any of the work or taking on any responsibility. His life isn't changing too much - so he doesn't care. The fact that this is how he's reacting says a whole lot about who this person really married - aka: "I don't actually care about 'us' or the 'you' part of it. Things are only good as long as it's what *my* needs dictate".
It's irrelevant anyway... divorce exists because somewhere along the lines we learned people are terrible at making lifelong commitments when they don't know what the future holds. Some couples can, others can't, and that's why divorce was invented.
Load More Replies... I don't have/want kids either. If your hubby wants them, tell him only if he wfh and takes on 100% of care and cost. Start going into work. Drop them at daycare, let him pay that bill. Divorce him. Leave bc this is the s**t hitting the fan and he's telling you that you don't matter -get out!
I wouldn't even do that - remember it's still you who has to go through some hellish pregnancy büllshit and give birth to them.
Load More Replies... NTA. CPS told them to figure out what they were going to do, and OP did the right thing and hurried up her decision process so that her husband knew that she would not be raising these kids. That means he either has to raise them alone on his salary, or give them up. Think how much worse it would have been for him if they decided to keep them and THEN she decided she couldn't take it anymore and jumped ship!! She's doing everything right and being responsible.
Speaking as a former foster kid, unless you hit the jackpot with getting into a good foster home, it can be hell on earth. In too many cases, the abuse (use your imagination as to what kind, I've endured it all) is worse than what the children experienced with their biological parents. However, this is not always the case. OP is actually looking at the situation realistically: she and her husband absolutely cannot afford to raise one child, let alone three. To attempt to do so would not only force them into debt, but possibly leave the children worse off than if they had gone into foster care. Also, it appears that OP'S husband pretty much made the decision with no regard for OP'S desire to remain childfree. Leaving now would be her best option, as the entire responsibility of raising the children would be on her shoulders. CPS would have to step in and do what is best for them. Hubby may call OP an AH, but he's a bigger one if he thinks he can ignore her boundaries without penalty.
Jesus, what a pickle, I lasted 8months when I got a surprise kid, I really really tried. But I feel the same way about raising kids and I’m nearly 40, so good on her for staying true to herself.
NTA! U r still young urself and taking on 3 kids, at those ages is a MASSIVE change! That would b hard for me as a childless 45 yo woman, and I've always WANTED kids. Whether he wants to admit it or not, BOTH ur lives will change massively. I think he's realizing that he won't b able to do it himself and NEEDS OP, which is not fair to u. This is a crappy situation all the way around. Maybe OP's MIL can move in with the soon to be ex, and they can raise them together. But do NOT let this family guilt trip u into staying. YES! MAYBE this could b a life changing event for u. But what if it's not?! This is in no way fair to anyone involved, but that does NOT mean OP has to sacrifice the rest of her life for someone else's mistakes.
My 1st call would've been, "Hello? CPS?" since hubs is not around to "parent" his niblings.
Let all of the family members calling her an a*****e take the kids in. I'm sure they won't mind, right, since they're family and family helps each other out?
NTA you & your husband decided before marriage not to have children. I do feel for the children. If he wants to take on his nephews & niece then HE needs to be more involved. Just because you WFH doesn't mean you get paid to sit at home doing nothing. If he's working all those hours then he should have the money for daycare. Or he could sue his sister for child support. This is all terrible for the children the guardian is unavailable, as are you ( it's OK that you don't have the maternal instinct, motherhood isn't for every woman.)
Your personal vow to him was that you do not want children. Your marriage may be broken by his judging you, not by you sticking to a vow you made to him and yourself about remaining childless. Can they go to someone else in the family? Can you financially support his mother taking them for a few years, then step in when they are old enough to take care of most of their own needs? While they are little, they need a lot more than you should have to give, but maybe there is some compromise literally outside of the box that is your house.
The a§§holes in this are the SIL and the husband. She up and left her kids. He claims to want to "support his family," but doesn't seem to be willing to make the necessary changes in order to do that. The mother has already done the parenting thing and because of her job, can't take on the financial burden; that's perfectly reasonable. The OP knows that parenting is not a responsibility she wants, and that's perfectly reasonable too.
NTA. I completely agree with what you're saying. My husband and I are child free as well and I've made it clear that I don't want to be a parent. However, i feel awful for the kids. They're basically told that no one wants them, not even their own mom. My heart just breaks for them.
You'll probably need to divorce now, either way. If he does give up the children, he's going to resent you and blame you for being selfish. If he doesn't give up the children, he expects you to raise them - not him. The relationship has already deteriorated past salvaging, even if mom came back and took back the kids. The trust is gone.
Life is not a rehearsal. Leave and live your life. You have been propelled into a situation not of your choosing by a man who made a decision he had no right to do.
If you leave, he'll be resentful, but if you stay, you'll be resentful.
While it would be admirable to make such a huge and lifelong commitment...you don't have to be the hero in this story. You get to make your own choices and your husband calling you an AH for not wanting to raise three children when you would be doing most of it on your own....the sacrifice is not yours. You are wise as you'd probably resent and divorce your husband in the long run. As for vows....get real people, Christians have the highest rate of divorce in the US and Canada. Go be the heroine in another story...Your own.
I hate this kind of AITAH post. The kind where everyone is doing the right thing, but it's still heartbreaking for everyone. Especially with kids involved, it's so sad.
Is the husband doing the right thing? He’s made a massive life changing decision, which he knows is entirely contrary to his wife’s wishes, without her consent. More to the point, he is putting all the burden on her. And, when presented with this uncomfortable truths, he lashes out. And that’s to say nothing for the kids’ actual parents who 100% are not doing the right thing.
Load More Replies... This woman is absolutely the AH. When family needs your help you step up. If you don't you're the AH. But everyone has every right to be an AH. That's what I don't understand. She knows she's the AH. (The truth is everyone sucks here) So own it. Own the fact that you are a self serving AH and walk away and go live your life. Accept the truth about yourself and do what you feel you should do. But you are absolutely the AH.
The husband's behaviour after his sister does essentially the same thing but worse, suggests this is something they learned at home. NTA.
I just feel bad for the kids. I mean their parents have completely abandoned them, their grandma doesn't want them and their aunt is getting a divorce so she doesn't have to look after them either. The only one who wants them is their uncle who can't look after them anyway. But my question is: what about school? The 5yo could be in school and the twins in preschool. I didn't read all of the details but if they haven't been enrolled in a school yet surely it would get a lot better when they do and are out of the house for 6hrs of the day. The uncle could even do the school run in the morning. I understand however that this lady doesn't want kids so is there really no other relatives? Couldn't the grandma babysit at least for a couple hours in the week? Couldn't the uncle learn how to look after them? Divorce seems a bit drastic at this point but it's a hard situation.
I am sorry first for the kids. In the future mayb they will remember that nobody wanted them. Also, the wif has no responsabilities for the kids. Its curious how some people blame wrong.
Just want to play devils advocate for a moment. If it were a man asking his wife for a divorce for the same reason, would the NTA be getting this much support? Or would everyone be calling him an a*s?
It wouldn't make a difference. One partner just doesn't get to change the terms of the marriage unilaterally. Certainly not with something as consequential as raising children.
Load More Replies... Then if she finds she doesn't like it and has to walk away? That would be worse for the children. Having yet another person walk away... that would be horrible. It's the husband who wants to do this so he should be the one to make the changes in his life, not her. You can't be partially in or out with children, how confusing would that be?
Load More Replies... Problem solved, guys. Donna is going to take on the kids. Let us know how you get on, Don.
Load More Replies... Husband: “I have decided that you will take on my sister’s children. This has not been agreed with you and is entirely against both your wishes and our agreement upon marriage. I will not help with raising the children. We cannot afford to raise the children.” I agree that *someone* does not deserve to be married any longer.
Load More Replies... Speaking as a mother of 2, how on earth is the OP the selfish one in this? Entirely removing the fact that she doesn't want the responsibility, they're not in a financial position to care for children. That's not selfishness, that's reality.
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