“My Daughter Wants To Have A Sleepover – Her Friend’s Parents Want To Do A Full Inspection”
Interview With Expert
One single dad might need to prepare for a full home inspection if he wants to follow through with the sleepover his daughter is excitedly anticipating.
In a post on the subreddit ‘Ask UK,’ he explained that the parents of his daughter’s friend had requested the probe as a condition for allowing the overnight stay to take place.
The father asked people on the internet to share their opinions on the situation, prompting a discussion about the line between genuine safety concerns and prejudice against men raising kids on their own.
Raising a child alone entails more responsibilities than doing it with a partner
Image credits: astreltsova / Envato (not the actual photo)
But this father didn’t think that even sleepovers would be so complicated
Image credits: astreltsova / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: [deleted]
Vicki Broadbent of Honest Mum thinks the topic of sleepovers taps into a wider discussion on child safety
Image credits: Honest Mum
To learn more about sleepovers, we contacted Bored Panda’s parenting expert Vicki Broadbent. She is the founder of the acclaimed family blog Honest Mum and a multi-award-winning TV director and broadcaster, who can also be found on Instagram @honestmum.
“I think sleepovers are a personal choice, the parent or carer of the child should make, using the information they have to hand,” Broadbent told Bored Panda. “My own children only ever stay at relatives’ houses overnight, or at friends’ houses we know well and trust.”
Ultimately, the author of Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (US and Canada) believes that having honest conversations with your children is key and protects them in their daily lives, whether they stay overnight or not.
“If you opt to allow a sleepover, giving your child a phone (showing them how to use it first if they’re not familiar) can offer peace of mind so they can contact you if necessary whatever the concern: scared of the dark for example or if they’re feeling unwell,” Broadbent, who is a mom of three herself, said.
One of the reasons why this post has gotten so much attention could be that it’s not just about a sleepover. “I think this topic taps into the wider discussion of child safety and teaching your children to voice concerns,” Broadbent added. “In the UK, the charity, the NSPCC runs initiatives in schools to teach children how to protect themselves.”
These aren’t the only parents who are skeptical of sleepovers
Mary Alvord isn’t surprised that a fair share of parents are uncertain about trusting others to keep their kids overnight.
During the four decades she’s spent as a clinical psychologist, Alvord has seen parental anxiety steadily increasing. According to her, the pandemic only exacerbated that pattern, but she noticed a heightened sense of caution among parents even before Covid.
“It’s a delicate balance — you do not want to put your children in harm’s way,” she said. “On the other hand, you don’t want them to be afraid of risks that are important to move them further in life, like trying new things, tolerating some level of discomfort, pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.”
Alvord believes social media has played a part in shaping the amplified sense of vigilance; today’s parents are inundated with an overwhelming volume of information and traumatic accounts of potential dangers. A common belief is that we live in a perilous time to raise a child, giving parents plenty of reason to feel on edge.
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages / Envato (not the actual photo)
“There’s just a lot more for parents to think about now,” Alvord said. “And it’s not that some of these things weren’t going on before, but we weren’t as aware of it, people weren’t talking about it.”
Alvord, who grew up the daughter of Armenian immigrants in New York City, fondly remembers attending sleepovers when she was a young girl herself. That kind of social experience can foster a sense of independence and offer kids a new way to understand their peers, exposing them to different environments, different foods, different rhythms, and routines. “I learned a lot by going to other people’s homes,” she added.
Vicki Broadbent of Honest Mum agrees that sleepovers can be fun and also show your kids you are giving them a little more responsibility. “For my children, I feel 11 or 12 is the right age to consider sleepovers as they’re emotionally mature enough to stay with friends for longer periods,” she said. “Of course, every child is different, you as a parent will know your child best.”
There’s no one blueprint for organizing these evenings, but “when it comes to sleepovers or school trips overnight, I only agree if I feel comfortable with the parents or teachers in charge and I assess whether I think my child would cope with more independence,” the mom explained. “Approach each request on a case-by-case basis. Be reasonable in your expectations.”
“It’s best not to invite your child’s friends for sleepovers if you don’t feel comfortable sending your child to their home. Stick to daytime playdates.”
Also, remember that kids can build social fluency and resilience through many different kinds of encounters. “Sleepovers are just one way,” Alvord said, “and I think we all do need to be sensitive to kids who may feel left out because their families don’t believe in it — that’s fine, that’s their family value.”
So maybe the parents described in the post were perfectly entitled to the uneasiness they were feeling. However, the way they went about it could have been more considerate
The story has received a lot of different reactions
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“Can I ask for something that’s ostensibly reasonable, but difficult to ask in a non-awkward way?” “Sure, please allow me to make this non-awkward for both of us.” “No, I insist that it is awkward and rude!” I mean… JUST ACCEPT THE CUPPA! THERE WAS NO NEED TO MAKE THIS WEIRD!
that's what killed me, OP basically did a "oh, you awkward thing, you should have put it THIS way, you want a do over?" and the other parent went "NO HUMAN I AM IMMUNE TO YOUR SOCIAL PRESSURES SHOW ME YOUR EARTH DWELLING"
Load More Replies...
WTF?! Say it with me, everyone! SINGLE 👏 DADS 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 CREEPY!* *most of the time, there’s always a few in the bunch, everyone has the capacity to be creeps, including single dads, single moms, married couples, bachelors/bachelorettes etc.
Jaya thinking that single mothers would be vetted that way?
Load More Replies...
I was 10 when my dad drove me to a sleepover... he insisted on carrying my bag in, and he discovered open alcohol, d**g paraphernalia, and no parental supervision (my friend's 15 year old sister was put in charge until mom got off work, but she was in her bedroom with her boyfriend). My dad suggested we invite my friend over for a pizza/movie sleepover at our pace, and we left. My friend didn't even bother to ask her sister for permission, so my dad left a note with our address and phone number... they never bothered to even call. When we dropped her off the next day, mom apologized for the "messy" apartment, blaming the daughter's boyfriend. So, if you don't know the family, I totally understand the urge to investigate the house... when dropping off your kid just ask the parents if you can see where the kids will be sleeping because you're overly cautious (if you really feel the need).
This still leaves the parents in the OP’s story as being weird. They could have popped over for a coffee and done it that way!
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My husband and I hosted a family cookout/campfire event for our oldest daughter's girl scout troop. Fun night. About a year later find out that one of the girls' fathers was arrested for having child po*n. That creep was in my house! You never know what's going on behind closed doors. So glad my daughter never asked to go to their house. I would totally not be comfortable with my kids going someplace where I don't really know the parents & home.
You’d probably still the parents up on their offer of a cuppa to maintain the polite diction though
Load More Replies...
My kid BFF has divorced parents. The single dad place is where she has had most sleepovers by large. Single dads actively engaged with their kids are amongst the top dads around me.
You have medically treated this same child, as an EMT, and I would guess passed a background check. But these parents want to do sight inspection cause you are what? A threat to the child's well being and safety and are insulting about it. Weird could have been avoided by just coming over for a cuppa
Out of line to call it an inspection and to have it taken half an hour. That's a police search timeline. Much more normal to come over for coffee and say the child is nervous about a sleepover at 8 and they would stay for a while or for a pre visit to help the kid get comfortable. Even if that's BS. My parents never let us stay with anyone they didn't know, would at least have a playdate before hand. But they both worked in child service adjacent fields and were the most paranoid if all my friends parents. So this isn't necessarily because of single parenthood, but sounds like this poor friend has AH parents. I hope you ket the kid stay over and avoid them even for short times.
Yes!! I'm glad you mentioned that 30 minutes is typical police search timeline -- highly relevant, considering they wanted to do "a full inspection" (in his own words). That says MUCH more about them then it does Single Dad. Like you've mentioned, it's definitely appropriate for the friend's parents to get to know both of them better via having several playdates first. If they're even *that* worried about his pad in particular, maybe said playdates could be arranged at neutral location first, or maybe even their own home? Also: thank you for bringing up possibilty that daughter's parents may be employed as CPS workers or cops -- not only might thia make them more paranoid overall, but way more likely to be laying a trap / asking in bad faith. Depending on where they all live & when this occured, any potential entrapment games .-ф ЦК fulfill quota
Load More Replies...
Normal to want to make sure your child is safe, not at all acceptable or normal for the way they approached it with the father. Either the parents are distrusting of a male parent- sexist - or the parents are controlling which is a problem for their own children's lives. I would investigate whether other parents have had similar experiences with this family's expectations and demands. Also I hope that he said 'hell no' to this request.
Reminds me of visiting BIL with our kids. He told where the key was to let ourselves in. I was telling out kids " if the see a gun to not touch it", while opening a random drawer in the kitchen, " like this one, don't touch it."
OP should've responded with, "Sure. And as long as we're doing it, I'll need to do the same with your house since my daughter's already talking about a possible sleep over at your place. When can I do that? Today works for me."
I don't remember my parents ever asking this, sure they knew the other parents on a "that's X's parents" basis, so pleasantries and nothing further, but they never stepped foot in my friends' houses. I even stayed at a friend with a single dad's house with no questions asked. Different generation I guess.
Oh, heck no. That’s just rude AF! I’d be telling them, “If you have something to say about the way me & my child live, just SAY it! The way you’re talking, you’re making it sound like I’m some kind of creeper & I do NOT appreciate that!” … I mean, WTF?! A single parent has the same rights as any coupled parents, including single fathers. To assume that every single father is potentially a predator is just f*cking wrong on SO many levels & it’s why dads have a hard time getting custody/visitation rights! SMDH. 🤦♀️🤨
I realise, in my case, it was many years ago, but the 3 or 4 times I slept over at a friend's house her parents weren't even there. Just me, her, her younger sister and younger brother. My parents never met or even spoke to her parents. There was no alcohol or weird goings on. We played the kind of board games we always played, and when we got tired we went to bed.
Highly suapicious that friend's parents feel compelled to violate this Dad's privacy as their only means of ensuring their child's safety & comfort. Putting your own child's safety first is paramount; trampling freely on another family's rights under the pretense of doing so is completely unacceptable. The friend's parents might have accepted his offer of "a cuppa," then instead insisted that girls have several playdates together first before committing to a sleepover party. OR they might have simply offered their own home for the sleepover location, all whilst urging the single Dad to come over for a few hours first, get to know them better, and to ennsure he and his daughter are both 100% comfortable before any sleepover is to take place. Being a parent myself, I totally understand wanting to know what kind of people / families that my child may be spending time w/, but the way in which his daughter's friends parents are approaching says Way More about them then it does him.
if this is in the USA, it's likely about guns. we had our child for a play date and pulled them out of the house never to return because what the mom said about their gun storage was a lie. yeah hard pass. you can't say safely stored away and mean your unlocked bedroom is shut. hard pass
My mom was like this with other families, had nothing to do with them being single dads or whatever. She just didn't trust anyone else and was terrified something bad were happen if we were out of her sight. Turns out she's just a really scared, anxious person. Maybe these people are like that.
Does this person work for children's services?? They arrange home inspections for visits and sleepovers. Or perhaps something traumatizing happened once, so mom is making sure things are safe.
They could nonetheless do as the, already-offered, polite fiction of coming round for a cuppa.
Load More Replies... 
Most moms know, you can simply text or call and ask "if there are weapons in the house, are they stored safely? If there are meds, are they stored safely? If children have access to devices, are parental controls on?/can I kindly ask kids don't have access to devices during daughter's stay?" Other than that, wtf is the worried about? Is her friend looking neglected in any way? Serious bias and so rude towards a single dad.
“Can I ask for something that’s ostensibly reasonable, but difficult to ask in a non-awkward way?” “Sure, please allow me to make this non-awkward for both of us.” “No, I insist that it is awkward and rude!” I mean… JUST ACCEPT THE CUPPA! THERE WAS NO NEED TO MAKE THIS WEIRD!
that's what killed me, OP basically did a "oh, you awkward thing, you should have put it THIS way, you want a do over?" and the other parent went "NO HUMAN I AM IMMUNE TO YOUR SOCIAL PRESSURES SHOW ME YOUR EARTH DWELLING"
Load More Replies... WTF?! Say it with me, everyone! SINGLE 👏 DADS 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 CREEPY!* *most of the time, there’s always a few in the bunch, everyone has the capacity to be creeps, including single dads, single moms, married couples, bachelors/bachelorettes etc.
Jaya thinking that single mothers would be vetted that way?
Load More Replies... I was 10 when my dad drove me to a sleepover... he insisted on carrying my bag in, and he discovered open alcohol, d**g paraphernalia, and no parental supervision (my friend's 15 year old sister was put in charge until mom got off work, but she was in her bedroom with her boyfriend). My dad suggested we invite my friend over for a pizza/movie sleepover at our pace, and we left. My friend didn't even bother to ask her sister for permission, so my dad left a note with our address and phone number... they never bothered to even call. When we dropped her off the next day, mom apologized for the "messy" apartment, blaming the daughter's boyfriend. So, if you don't know the family, I totally understand the urge to investigate the house... when dropping off your kid just ask the parents if you can see where the kids will be sleeping because you're overly cautious (if you really feel the need).
This still leaves the parents in the OP’s story as being weird. They could have popped over for a coffee and done it that way!
Load More Replies... My husband and I hosted a family cookout/campfire event for our oldest daughter's girl scout troop. Fun night. About a year later find out that one of the girls' fathers was arrested for having child po*n. That creep was in my house! You never know what's going on behind closed doors. So glad my daughter never asked to go to their house. I would totally not be comfortable with my kids going someplace where I don't really know the parents & home.
You’d probably still the parents up on their offer of a cuppa to maintain the polite diction though
Load More Replies... My kid BFF has divorced parents. The single dad place is where she has had most sleepovers by large. Single dads actively engaged with their kids are amongst the top dads around me.
You have medically treated this same child, as an EMT, and I would guess passed a background check. But these parents want to do sight inspection cause you are what? A threat to the child's well being and safety and are insulting about it. Weird could have been avoided by just coming over for a cuppa
Out of line to call it an inspection and to have it taken half an hour. That's a police search timeline. Much more normal to come over for coffee and say the child is nervous about a sleepover at 8 and they would stay for a while or for a pre visit to help the kid get comfortable. Even if that's BS. My parents never let us stay with anyone they didn't know, would at least have a playdate before hand. But they both worked in child service adjacent fields and were the most paranoid if all my friends parents. So this isn't necessarily because of single parenthood, but sounds like this poor friend has AH parents. I hope you ket the kid stay over and avoid them even for short times.
Yes!! I'm glad you mentioned that 30 minutes is typical police search timeline -- highly relevant, considering they wanted to do "a full inspection" (in his own words). That says MUCH more about them then it does Single Dad. Like you've mentioned, it's definitely appropriate for the friend's parents to get to know both of them better via having several playdates first. If they're even *that* worried about his pad in particular, maybe said playdates could be arranged at neutral location first, or maybe even their own home? Also: thank you for bringing up possibilty that daughter's parents may be employed as CPS workers or cops -- not only might thia make them more paranoid overall, but way more likely to be laying a trap / asking in bad faith. Depending on where they all live & when this occured, any potential entrapment games .-ф ЦК fulfill quota
Load More Replies... Normal to want to make sure your child is safe, not at all acceptable or normal for the way they approached it with the father. Either the parents are distrusting of a male parent- sexist - or the parents are controlling which is a problem for their own children's lives. I would investigate whether other parents have had similar experiences with this family's expectations and demands. Also I hope that he said 'hell no' to this request.
Reminds me of visiting BIL with our kids. He told where the key was to let ourselves in. I was telling out kids " if the see a gun to not touch it", while opening a random drawer in the kitchen, " like this one, don't touch it."
OP should've responded with, "Sure. And as long as we're doing it, I'll need to do the same with your house since my daughter's already talking about a possible sleep over at your place. When can I do that? Today works for me."
I don't remember my parents ever asking this, sure they knew the other parents on a "that's X's parents" basis, so pleasantries and nothing further, but they never stepped foot in my friends' houses. I even stayed at a friend with a single dad's house with no questions asked. Different generation I guess.
Oh, heck no. That’s just rude AF! I’d be telling them, “If you have something to say about the way me & my child live, just SAY it! The way you’re talking, you’re making it sound like I’m some kind of creeper & I do NOT appreciate that!” … I mean, WTF?! A single parent has the same rights as any coupled parents, including single fathers. To assume that every single father is potentially a predator is just f*cking wrong on SO many levels & it’s why dads have a hard time getting custody/visitation rights! SMDH. 🤦♀️🤨
I realise, in my case, it was many years ago, but the 3 or 4 times I slept over at a friend's house her parents weren't even there. Just me, her, her younger sister and younger brother. My parents never met or even spoke to her parents. There was no alcohol or weird goings on. We played the kind of board games we always played, and when we got tired we went to bed.
Highly suapicious that friend's parents feel compelled to violate this Dad's privacy as their only means of ensuring their child's safety & comfort. Putting your own child's safety first is paramount; trampling freely on another family's rights under the pretense of doing so is completely unacceptable. The friend's parents might have accepted his offer of "a cuppa," then instead insisted that girls have several playdates together first before committing to a sleepover party. OR they might have simply offered their own home for the sleepover location, all whilst urging the single Dad to come over for a few hours first, get to know them better, and to ennsure he and his daughter are both 100% comfortable before any sleepover is to take place. Being a parent myself, I totally understand wanting to know what kind of people / families that my child may be spending time w/, but the way in which his daughter's friends parents are approaching says Way More about them then it does him.
if this is in the USA, it's likely about guns. we had our child for a play date and pulled them out of the house never to return because what the mom said about their gun storage was a lie. yeah hard pass. you can't say safely stored away and mean your unlocked bedroom is shut. hard pass
My mom was like this with other families, had nothing to do with them being single dads or whatever. She just didn't trust anyone else and was terrified something bad were happen if we were out of her sight. Turns out she's just a really scared, anxious person. Maybe these people are like that.
Does this person work for children's services?? They arrange home inspections for visits and sleepovers. Or perhaps something traumatizing happened once, so mom is making sure things are safe.
They could nonetheless do as the, already-offered, polite fiction of coming round for a cuppa.
Load More Replies... Most moms know, you can simply text or call and ask "if there are weapons in the house, are they stored safely? If there are meds, are they stored safely? If children have access to devices, are parental controls on?/can I kindly ask kids don't have access to devices during daughter's stay?" Other than that, wtf is the worried about? Is her friend looking neglected in any way? Serious bias and so rude towards a single dad.
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