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People Share 40 Habits They Have Had Since They Were Kids That They Now Realize Have A Much Deeper Meaning
Interview With Author
Some of the habits that people currently have might be childhood coping mechanisms that they picked up as ways to survive. They might have lived in a toxic family environment and faced neglect or abuse. They might have had to deal with constant fear, stress, and anxiety. And it only occurred to them way later, when they grew up, that the habits they grew to rely upon aren’t ‘normal’ at all.
Reddit users revealed the childhood coping methods that they unknowingly developed in an incredibly honest and impactful thread. They wrote about being hyper-aware of people’s microexpressions, shutting down their emotions, and creating imaginative scenarios to make their situations more tolerable. Scroll down for the most powerful things you will likely read today.
Bored Panda had a very open conversation about hardship, mental health, and childhood coping mechanisms with the author of the thread, redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder. They were very candid about their own struggles, the massive impact their r/AskReddit thread had, as well as their thoughts on dealing with trauma. Their hope is that by shedding light on these topics, others can know that they’re not alone in their struggles and it helps make the world a better place.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I look for signs, such as micro-expressions, about what kind of mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout because of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
lenka 3 years ago
I do this too. I notice tiny details in facial expressions that others don't see. I am really good at recognizing the tiniest glimpses of anger, contempt and disgust. I didn't realise until much later in life that one of the reasons I don't trust bearded men is because beards disguise many of these micro expressions. Because I couldn't see people's whole face it made it much harder and took me much longer to learn to trust bearded men. (I am not saying bearded men are not trustworthy, just that I personally have difficulty reading them and therefore find it hard to trust them).
Laura Brown 3 years ago
I pick up on peoples' moods quickly, a skill I learned at a young age due to my stepfather being a brutal, violent alcoholic and addict. A person's body language says much more about their mood than the words they speak. Being able to sense those things saved my hide more than once. Many times, in fact. Now, I don't consciously do it but I still do it.
Anna Snorrepot 3 years ago
reading a person by the way they breathe. Pretty common in abusers households.
Cherish Life 3 years ago
I do this. I notice eye rolls that no one else notices. I notice when girls exchange snarky smirks. I can feel people judging others in my core. I often wonder how people can not realize how obvious their body language and facial expressions are. At the same time, I wonder how so many people on the receiving end of it seem oblivious to noticing it. I guess that's the difference between those who didn't grow up with constant criticism and the feeling of walking on eggshells to prevent drama. After my parents divorced, I dealt with feeling abandoned by my dad, despite visitations. My mother got with a total abusive prick. I had to deal with living in constant fear of him and with anger that neither of my parents saved me from the situation. Then I got married to a narcissist and spent 20+ years dealing with that. Besides noticing micro expressions, I am very quick to feel attacked or degraded, because I had become so used to it from certain people.
Anonymousplease 3 years ago
I do this too because I have social anxiety and am always scared that people are upset with me
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
I pick up very well when someone is being sarcastic or insincere to the point I caught it in my mom when she saw me upset and sarcastically said "Awww, sweetie." I used to think she was being empathetic but when I saw the corners of her mouth curl up and her eyebrows lower it gave me the coldest chills. It was then I realized she enjoys seeing me upset.
Sueet2b 3 years ago
How interesting. I never realized that it was because of a something from the past. I have the same thing. I just never connected the dots. I'm really good at reading peoples faces but not only their faces, the micro gestures. And yes, when I was a kid, I didn't have an easy life and was pretty much neglected from everyone in my family. The fear I had of seeing my mom angry, stressed, and my sisters, how much they detested me, it makes total sense now, all this time I thought it was just my intuition.
Scarface's Mom 3 years ago
I developed Spidey-Senses due to neglect. I could feel when my mom was or was not available to any positive interaction which I could maybe get some attention/affection. I can read a person's body language like a book.
Redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder, the author of the viral thread, was incredibly open about what made them ask the question on r/AskReddit. “I was inspired to make that post because I was at a low point. I was so depressed and I just wanted to feel better,” they told Bored Panda.
“I had been commenting encouragement on other people's posts in r/bipolar, telling them things I'd want to hear, but it didn't feel like I was doing enough. After some soul searching and self-reflection I just kinda realized that many of the things I do are actually just coping mechanisms. So I decided to make a post about it and reply to whoever commented. Which was easy… for the first hour or two.” The thread quickly went viral, mainly because of how supportive the redditor was of everyone. But the author was quickly overwhelmed by the massive response.
“I couldn't reply to everyone at a certain point. I'd be getting 100-200 notifications every thirty minutes for a few hours at a time. I think it really took off because of all the work I did at the beginning. I tried encouraging people and letting them know it was a safe place. A place you could just scream into the void and find others there doing the same thing. A place you could even find people you can relate to. I never expected it to take off at all. I was ready for 20 or so comments and maybe as many upvotes,” the redditor told us that they were shocked that their thread then spread to YouTube, TikTok, and the media.
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#2
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers, and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe.
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
This is purely to protect your heart and your emotional well-being. It's almost better to slowly form friendships and see where it ends up and not get too emotionally attached too quickly.
Wheeskers 3 years ago
We moved a LOT. Because of dads work. I'm not a good friend. I can drop you like a hot potato and not care as it happened so many times. Not sure I'm in anyone's memory.
Aria Whitaker 3 years ago (edited)
100% can relate Wheeskers. I went to three different Elementary schools, 3 Middle schools and 2 High schools. Mom moved very often. Due to that I have quite a few "friends" , or people that I know, but no real "crew". Its okay though, I am very much an introvert and quite happy with what I have :)
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Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
I'm proud that I (and anyone else who needs to) can learn to do this instead of keeping harmful people in our lives, though. Like anything, it can go to far, but so often those of us who lived with abuse hold on too tight, and never learn how to cut off the people harming us.
Marco Hub-Dub 3 years ago
Thank you! There’s a difference between disengaging from people who you disagree with or don’t get what you want and excising toxic people from your life. Knowing the difference and establishing clear, healthy boundaries and being able to let go of relationships that aren’t mutually beneficial is, indeed, a gift.
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LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 3 years ago
This works well, to a point. You are only hurt by people when you open your heart to them. Never open up = never hurt. But you won’t feel the joy of loving and being loved or connected. But walls aren’t always bad.
Enlee Jones 3 years ago
I do this too. But so far I haven’t regretted it. If I cut you off, you gave me the scissors.
Memere 3 years ago (edited)
Love that analogy! And I'm the same as you - no regrets. I have my life to live & don't care to waste any time on regrets over letting people go who didn't make it better.
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M Rob 3 years ago
From the side of someone that this was done to. I had a "best" friend as an adult, I thought we were close for 10+ yrs. She Cut me out ( ghosted) and I am sure she had no 2nd thoughts. It still hurts me 5+ yrs later.
#3
Saying 'I am sorry' all the time.
Eb 3 years ago
Or never. No one in my family apologised to each other and it was more about winning the argument by whatever means possible. Had to learn it later in the real world.
Hedgeh og 3 years ago
Kudos to you if you have been able to learn that. Some people never do. But such an important thing.
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BusLady 3 years ago
Sometimes children are constantly being blamed for something they haven't even done, and being made to feel guilty.
Carrie de Luka 3 years ago
That's me BusLady. Had several siblings but was always the scapegoat. Didn't matter who really did it, I was the one in trouble. Never really felt cared about. So now I really do apologise a lot. I never feel that people fully understand how SINCERE I am as well so I over explain and must bore people silly with it. Sad how many damaged people there are.
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Blurryface 3 years ago
(I’d make a joke about Canadians, but that would be insensitive, so I’d apologize. Sorry.)
JoyfulZebra 3 years ago
And I am sorry that you felt you had to apologize
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Mandy Harris 3 years ago
Try being Canadian - I say sorry so often for pretty much anything...bump into a wall, good chance a sorry is escaping my lips.
The author, u/GreggOfChaoticOrder, said that it felt good to have helped people know that they aren’t alone.
Bored Panda wanted to get the author’s opinion on whether hardships always lead to resilience and greater emotional toughness. They told us that, in their opinion, it depends on the situation and the individual.
“The hardships everyone has endured can sometimes make them stronger. I personally believe that while it does make some stronger it can be absolutely devastating to others. For example, two people subjected to the same emotional traumas can develop differently. For one it can make them stronger and more resilient against future traumas. For the other person, it can make them weaker to future traumas and more accepting of said future traumas,” they said.
“Everyone is built differently. How someone deals with trauma can't be put in black and white terms. How they deal and cope is a spectrum. I myself feel like my traumas have made me weaker in some areas, yet stronger in others.”
#4
Assuming people are mad at me based on their vocal tone.
Christina 3 years ago
This makes me think of a friend I brought to visit my very Italian family. We got into a friendly, animated discussion (read LOUD with lots of flying hands) and she panicked about us "fighting" which we found very confusing since no one was actually upset. Turns out she came from a very abusive background when any raised voice was a threat. I get that "tone" tends to mean the underlying feeling, but I wonder if the op meant volume.
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Laura Brown 3 years ago
People often assume I'm angry or irritated with them because I speak loudly. I'm partially deaf and don't always realize I'm speaking loudly.
Crystal Lamas 3 years ago
Vocal tone or volume? Because those are different when referring to speaking.
Boredaf 3 years ago
I also do this and both. Bith can help eachother and if they always speak at the one volume tone and the one montone volume
Load More Replies... Christina 3 years ago
This makes me think of a friend I brought to visit my very Italian family. We got into a friendly, animated discussion (read LOUD with lots of flying hands) and she panicked about us "fighting" which we found very confusing since no one was actually upset. Turns out she came from a very abusive background when any raised voice was a threat. I get that "tone" tends to mean the underlying feeling, but I wonder if the op meant volume.
Tiredofpayingforothers 3 years ago
This is me and my wife. Everytime I speak louder so others can hear me, to speak over loud noises, my wife accuses me if being angry.
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
yes, i make origami moths to give to people because i think they hate me and i want to apologize
#5
Shutting down when faced with confrontation.
Hawkmoon 3 years ago
Same here. I do this to avoid saying things in anger that I would regret later, so I go on "mute" mode till the storm is away and the confrontation can become a conversation.
Lisa Anderson 3 years ago
I do this as well. I shutdown. I read yesterday that it's considered emotional abuse! Am I supposed to argue and say hurtful things instead of trying to cool off? I think saying hurtful things is emotionally abusive.
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Jessica D'Amico 3 years ago
My mother used to come into my bedroom every night to yell at me for being an embarrassment to the family (because I was "too shy"). Nothing I could say would calm her down. And standing up for myself made her so much angrier. Eventually, I learned to shut down and go dead and just wait for it to be over.
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
I shut down because I better shut up. When I was a teen, if I had an opinion or belief about something that was not the same as hers, I better change it right then or it wasn't going to go well. She was 5ft 8in and weighed 190lbs. I was 5ft and 98lbs. She towered over me. To this day if I encounter confrontation I freeze and feel nauseous.
Ali Cole 3 years ago
I'm assuming you're referring to your mother. I had a very similar situation. I would get kicked out as a teen if I had a differing opinion, my mother is severely mentally ill. I shake and shut down when I'm just trying to have a "hard" conversation. I hate confrontation. I am sorry for your pain, but it is nice to know that we are in the same boat. I feel validated as I hope you do as well
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Anaïs Grobin 3 years ago
I got accustomed to accepting responsibility for things as a kid, my mom didn't allow us to defend ourselves and I was the only one that wouldn't argue because I was the youngest and arguing led to bigger problems than just admitting to things I hadn't done. So as an adult, I shut down, I shake, and I cannot defend myself. My husband used to be a bit of a bully, and I used to admit guilt to every absurd paranoia he had. If he accused me of something I'd admit to it and accept responsibility, even if the "crime" wasn't physically possible. The best thing that ever happened is realizing I do this and learning tools to break the cycle. It's still hard as hell though.
Carrie de Luka 3 years ago
Do you mean making a conscious choice as Caro Caro suggests or shutting down because you can't react and you freeze? I think the OP means the latter as this is about coping mechanisms learned in childhood (but I could well be wrong!) and it can be horribly disabling. No, not everyone does that. It would be good if everyone could do what Caro Caro does (be less people shutting down!). Alas, some people have been traumatised and will be overwhelmed with a need to get out of the situation intact even if there is no real danger. So they aim to be as small and quiet as possible. Usually it's people who have been subjected to abuse of some kind. That was what I thought the OP meant anyway... I am sorry if that's your experience.
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Yurdy Barger 3 years ago
I had to learn TO WALK AWAY from confrontation. It took a while to realize that not engaging and as opposed to embracing confrontation is not in any way a sign of weakness or submission. My step-dad always made me feel like if I walked away or didn't "defend" myself I was giving up and letting him win or admiting he was right. My life is much more peaceful without him and his deranged and dated mentally
Teresa Rutledge 3 years ago
Always, conditioned to that. Makes it so difficult as an adult to stand up for yourself and get what you need, want, or deserve. Your parents conditioned you to be submissive to their will and it doesn’t magically disappear when you are on your own. Especially for women.
#6
Apparently, I do something called 'disassociating' where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. It drives my wife nuts.
Kim Kermes 3 years ago
Dissociation is a disconnection between a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Unless you developed this deep concentration to shut out an unpleasant environment, you have a rare gift. My ex and I had a similar problem because we both had hearing loss, so we had to learn to call each other by name and wait for an answer before speaking. Hope you guys find a solution.
Rahul Pawa 3 years ago (edited)
Hmm, I think of this as "tuning out" I thought "disassociating" was something different. I do this a lot.
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
Omg. I do that, too. My daughter can tell when I do it, though, and she now understands what's happening and it's not on purpose. A topic will trigger (that word gets abused so much) a past memory, trauma, a good time, or idea and then it's like I transport myself into a lucid dream. Apparently I'll walk faster, have a gazed stare and mutter to myself. so she'll gently squeeze my arm or hand and call me to snap me back. Bless her. At work it's weird. I can do my job, talk to someone, reply back with the right answer but be completely lost in my mind then not know what I had said and what they said. It makes the job less stressful and reduces my anxiety levels.
ToyWyvern 3 years ago
Make sure you take photos or keep some kind of journal of things you and your daughter do. This pattern can really interfere with forming long term memories because you remember what you were lost in thought about instead of what's around you.
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David Brown 3 years ago
I tend to do this when I'm really stressed or overly mentally stimulated.
Hank Schultz 3 years ago
Over-stimulated, eh? Could be an autism or ADHD response.
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Chinmayee Kalghatgi 3 years ago
I do this when i start thinking about past experiences. Even though my life is and was good I still think about negative memories for some reason
Hank Schultz 3 years ago
I figured out that this is a trait of ADHD. Then I figured out I have ADHD. Then I found out it’s also a trait of autism. And then I figured out I’m autistic, too. The only other people who do this are schizophrenic. I’m not schizophrenic.
C Cat 3 years ago
Incorrect; dissociation is a maladaptive coping mechanism. It is a symptom of many mental disorders, including PTSD, C-PTSD, and BPD (borderline personality disorder).
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Hank Schultz 3 years ago
It’s a trait of ADHD, autism, and schizophrenia. The first two are a lot more common than people realize, as virtually all research on them has happened within the past twenty years.
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cr0w_is_vibin 3 years ago
When I disassociate I feel like I'm preciving everything through layers of static
What’s more, the incredibly supportive redditor shared something that they think everybody should hear. “You are not alone. Many have experienced situations similar to you, and many will experience those situations too. You may be too harsh on yourself, or think you are not enough. Yet you are here and that means you want to do better,” they said.
“You have even a small hope that it will be better. Whenever the lows start coming in and beating you down remember that at least you tried your best that day because that is all you can ask of yourself.”
Psychologist Lee Chambers also believes that not everyone reacts to hardships the same way. Some might get stronger because of them, others become weaker. However, we all have the choice of embracing what has happened to us and growing as individuals.
"Post-traumatic growth isn't always simple to explain or utilize, but often the adversity we face can create a precedent for what we can overcome, help us to see what we need to be grateful for, and give us an understanding of the support we do have. A big part of opening the door to grow from our struggles is finding acceptance and taking ownership over what you can control and finding healthy ways to express the negative emotion that comes with challenges that test us," the mental health expert told Bored Panda during an earlier interview.
#7
My parents were emotionally and often physically neglectful and cold. I was expected to stay out of the way and raise myself within the household. No mealtimes, bedtimes, bath times, nothing. The attention in the house was always negative. We lived way out in the country, too, so there were no playmates in the neighborhood — and my only sibling was 10 years older and of the opposite sex. I had this weird mental game from a young age — I must have gotten it from a book somewhere — where I would pretend I was in an orphanage (one of those old-fashioned ones, kinda like from Annie). The school bus dropped me off there. Then the evening was regimented. We lined up for dinner, sat and did homework, had a church-type service, and then were given baths and put to bed. I would pretend that I was one of many children doing these things. I would lie in bed and imagine myself lying in a row of identical twin beds.
Cyd Charisse 3 years ago
Imagine, your fantasy life that you escape to is an orphanage. What is wrong with people?
AvCheu 3 years ago
When I was about 8, I used to fantasy about my death - that would show my family... Took a long time to become me but I'm there.
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Blue Pearl 3 years ago
Imagine being such a pathetic excuse of a parent that your child prefers an ORPHANAGE to living under your rule
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
I did this, too! I romanticized the abusive, lonely situations I was in, to make them bearable. So I pretended I was Annie, or Princess Leia, or a character in one of the books I'd read. I would have absolutely pretended to be "Harriet Potter," waiting for my Hogwarts letter. That made the other stuff bearable in a different context.
Prism Dawn 3 years ago
I totally get all of that and how it would make things more interesting and less lonely, and yet it's so telling how bad their life must've been for their fantasy to be living in an orphanage, of all things. Like, it was a big enough step up to be exciting, when you could literally imagine anything at all, no limits!
Tamsin Far 3 years ago
Maybe imagining a loving family would have hurt to much (or too hard to imagine?) - in this case the orphanage would have been the perfect setup for functioning and still explaining the absence of someone who really cares... :(
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Vicki Thill 3 years ago
Amazing problem-solving skills, right here; you put yourself into a daily routine that worked with the guidance of made-up custodians. Insane brain power. Your story reads sad, and it is, but what you did because of it is incredibly impressive. I like you.
#8
I don't know if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/toes of my feet all the time. If I'm barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I'm standing still. Quietness was the objective.
Marybeth Porreca 3 years ago
It can also be a too-tight tendon. Usually pediatricians observe & correct. They call it toe walking. Quite normal during the stage wear they are learning or newly walking. Think is addressed around age 3 if still occurring.
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Judy Reynolds 3 years ago
I learned to fade into the woodwork. Same thing. Do not be noticed; being heard is dangerous!
RandomFrog 3 years ago
It’s terrible that you had to go through this! It seems like a horror game when people describe it to me. I’m so sorry and hope ur doing better now
Load More Replies... ChikinNippls420 3 years ago
I have done this for MOST of my life as well. Got yelled at A LOT for it. According to my counselor, this is VERY common in people with ADHD. I just had to be super quiet as a kid. If I was outside my room, even to go to the bathroom, I got yelled at 🥲
CeeJay 3 years ago
I also want to say Chickin... I was the same growing up! Its a horrible environment to be in. We never done anything wrong tho we were just kids! Much love to you xx
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John Scott 3 years ago
I do the same. Toe to heel, not heel to toe. That way you don't get yelled at for walking too loudly. I'm 42 and still do it.
Wonderful 3 years ago
I read somewhere a while back that this is how most humans walked before hard soled shoes came around. Helps protect the feet from stepping on wooden legos in the 1400's.
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and if this is seen in young kids, it could be then just being kids, but keep an eye. It can be a early insight to autism. Then you can help the child accordingly
ChariotLee 3 years ago
I was about to say it's also an autism thing. I never walked "normally" as a child. Still don't.
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AngelWingsYT 3 years ago
I always did this but it was outta comfort. The hardwood felt extra hard on my heels so id go with balls/toes
Jean-Frank Jasseron 3 years ago
I often did this as a kid, for no reason. I learned much later in life that this was linked to autism (go figure). I got Asperger syndrom diagnosis at 44 (not because of this tho).
#9
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I'd keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn't know certain things. I'd day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it's safe to interact. I don't say things about myself because I can't trust easily.
Abigail Coty 3 years ago
I did this. I did this for a long time, and I’ve finally stopped. I was hurting myself and I didn’t realize it.
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Missy G 3 years ago
I have full blown conversations with my self, laugh and all. This is different from having a pep talk. I guess it's a coping mechanism from not having any friends or siblings to play with.
AngelWingsYT 3 years ago
Can agree. It can also come on from negative interactions with peers or being too afraid to talk to others
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AngelWingsYT 3 years ago (edited)
Are...are you me?! I have convos with myself ALL the time. I can be reserved cause i feel like im bad with words n phrasing things and if i mess up ill make the situation worse. I lie to protect myself. I daydream a lot as well to get away from bad situations. And i observe rooms n stay quite unless ik im safe to interact/join a convo (likely from bullying as a child where i never fit in)
Thomas Norris 3 years ago
I talk to myself as a problem solving mechanism sometimes we even laugh.
"As human beings, we have a desire for certainty and routine that keeps us feeling safe and able to plan what lies ahead in an organized manner. When unpredictable situations or accidents impact us, it can be traumatic, and we will likely feel a sense of disappointment, frustration, and loss," psychologist Lee said.
"It is important however that we embrace the fact that the world can be unpredictable and uncertain, and become more tolerant of this being a reality. Understanding that things are sometimes out of our control helps us to accept that not everything goes to plan, and accept when things happen to us that are negative. This acceptance allows us to embrace the change and difference, and manage our expectations so we can become more resilient to the ups and downs that all our lives lead."
#10
Shutting down emotional responses and forcing myself to 'not care' about any perceived loss. Apparently, this made it pretty annoying to discipline me because I would suddenly stop caring about anything that was threatened to be taken away. Nobody really taught me how to properly cope with loss when it started happening, and I guess my response was emotional repression.
HotDog Water 3 years ago
i feel this but it was more no tv? ok, i'll read. no books? ok, i'll write. no paper? ok, i'll just hang out in my imagination... i'm almost 40 prefer to spend my time in my head or with animals
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago
Anyone that does this needs to understand that it *can* lead to long term health issues if emotions are not dealt with. I had a mental breakdown in my late 20s due to this behavior. Reach out if/ when it starts catching up to you. It manifested first for me in the inability to cope with anger. It's different for everyone, though. 💖
Shaista Afridi 3 years ago
I used to think that I was just stoic and thick skinned but now I'm older I realise that I was just repressing my emotions cos my parents would get mad
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
I never feel sad at a family funeral or with any tragedy in the world. I got scared for Ukraine at first but now I'm numb to it all. Same with anything else. People will try to get a reaction out of me, even using my own daughter as an analogy. I know what they're doing so it still doesn't effect my emotional responses. This has come in handy when dealing with an emergency crisis and someone needs me to take over the 911 call because I'm the most calm. It happened at Tim Hortons. Someone had a seizure in the dining area, my coworker was too freaked out and shaking to handle it and be able to talk to 911, so I took over. I thought it was strange when she asked how I was able to be so calm.
AveryArt 3 years ago
I started doing this and it made my mother so mad. She hated that I would shut down because of her yelling so she yelled more. I didn't know what to do, but eh.
Nora Petricien 3 years ago (edited)
I hate how much I relate to most of these BUT THIS... I lost a lot of family members in December (throughout the years) so usually December is a rather tense month at home, people are sad and they don't get why I'm not mourning. Also I have never been able to cry at a funeral. I lost a cousin about 5 years ago, great friend of mine I always enjoyed playing with, saw them die, saw their body in the coffin, the coffin get buried, all throughout that I could shed a single tear. It almost felt like derealization, like they where not actually dead. Family was mad on top of being sad too but I couldn't feel s**t.
Lynnette McFarlane 3 years ago
I became this way as an adult. Was sick of being hurt all the time so I just shut down & stopped giving a damn so now nothing & no one can affect me any longer. It's actually quite liberating imo
#11
Over apologizing and always questioning if I come off annoying, mean, or disrespectful. Having little to no self esteem. And self neglect.
gay insomniac assassin panda 3 years ago
wait, you're saying it's not normal?!
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Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
Dealing with this now. Childhood programing. It's hard, because the last years of call outs/cancellations have increased it to the point that I'm in therapy for PTSD and severe agoraphobia. If I don't hear back from someone in a normal-ish time, or if I get an unenthusiastic response, I HAVE to assume it is because I'm horrible, have done unspeakably offensive things, and all hell is about to break loose. I question everything I say and do, because I never know if a trusted colleague is about to unload on me for the cultural appropriation of visiting my city's Chinatown, or publicly shame me and reject me and my work because I said that "dude" is used as a gender-neutral term in Southern California. So now, I just don't go anywhere or do anything. All it takes is one post of my Karen-passing self ordering chicken-and-waffles at a restaurant I've gone to for 20+ years to cause everything to explode at work. I'm still just that terrified little girl who gets yelled at all the time.
Chancey 3 years ago
That really sucks. Even though I don't know you, I'm honestly so sorry that you have to live like that.
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Brandi Hayes 3 years ago
Everything is from childhood. Someone made you feel that you were responsible for their emotions and that your own were meaningless. None of it was true. Have you ever met someone with "undeserved" confidence and wished you were like them? You can be. There is literally no reason not to have confidence in yourself. That person just didn't have crappy parents. That's all.
Brandi Hayes 3 years ago
I had a massive mental breakdown; a screaming and running into traffic type of breakdown. It forced me to figure it out and change what was causing it. My external stress is still there, trying to push me over the edge. The thing that had to change was me. I didn't change my behavior to "fit" anything anymore, I changed my mind. It's still an every day struggle, it's not easy, but it's worth it. I suggest watching The School of Life videos on YouTube. They can be so eye opening. They make me downright sob at times, with realization. Love yourselves!
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Mahogany Eclipse 3 years ago
I was like this really bad in my teens, my entire 20's and up to mid thirties. I was always worried about annoying people because I was 'an annoying person' and no matter what I did, or tried, I always ended up being annoying. I wasn't as mentally sharp as people my age and some olders thought I ought to be; I was treated as a stupid, annoying girl A LOT😅 My younger sister was much more tolerated, even the school bully was friends with her but mean to me every chance she got (and any other unfortunate girl she didn't think was good enough to be around her). I eventually got used to being alone and entertaining myself, which isn't bad because I can be quite happy in my own company now and quite prefer being alone to the drama of dealing with people in general.
D. Pitbull 3 years ago
I feel this - and it's from growing up where the people who are supposed to be your core support... you know that 'unconditional love' thing (which... I have never had, so ... ) - THOSE people all tell you constantly that you're cruel, annoying, stupid, ugly, worthless... that if you're hurt, or feel violated, that this is just you being ungrateful for being allowed to *exist*... If THEY think that of you... on what basis can the person ever believe that they're not a waste of space? - If I had money, it'd all be spent on therapy.
Melissa Mckenzie 3 years ago
I used to be like that but then I stopped caring what people think.
kayla Mckee 3 years ago
Same. I was told that people like us are the ones who want to make the world better for everyone while no one makes ours better.
Coraline Miller 3 years ago
I have very little self-esteem too. I once glanced in the mirror and had a fleeting thought that I was pretty, then I started worrying that I had some sort of mental disorder because I fleetingly thought of myself as pretty.
#12
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid.
AngelWingsYT 3 years ago
I do this to sometimes learned how when i was young n would get screamed at over the SMALLEST mistakes/screw ups. That also caused my anxitey of making mistakes/messing up
Don't Look 3 years ago
I can do this. But for the most part it turns into my memories being altered when I go to recall them.
Marika 3 years ago
Oh yes, I tend to do the same and it drives me nuts sometimes when I am not sure which part of my memories is the original version and which is the altered one!
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Hamilfan 3 years ago
I have everyone convinced that i'm a horrible liar so that when I do lie they can't tell
David Brown 3 years ago
Being a liar seems to be one of the most frequently used ways of dealing with things.
Lindsey or Something 3 years ago
I can't lie to save my life. Everyone I know tells me I'd be a great actor because I'm extremely expressive, but any time I find I have something to hide and need to "act natural" I will crack immediately upon making eye contact with another human.
Sydney Rue 3 years ago
I used to get in trouble at school a lot and so i always felt like i had to lie about something stupid so people would stop yelling at me
The psychologist shared that he himself had to learn to walk again. There were certain things that helped him with his struggle.
"Using journaling and talking about how I felt played a significant part in my recovery when I had to learn to walk again, and gave me the space to grow to become mentally stronger as a result. It is also important to reflect on all the hurdles you've overcome, so you can see what skills and lessons you've learned to apply in the future, and adversity often helps us to see what really matters, and gets us closer to knowing our values and purpose."
#13
Not doing anything till the last minute so I feel pressured to do it — and when I finish doing it, I feel useful.
LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 3 years ago
☝️ - how to tell if you have ADHD ( takes one to know one)
David Brown 3 years ago
I thought everyone did this. I'm at my most productive when I have less time to do a task than what it requires.
Epiphonia 3 years ago
If you do this, it could just be something normal, but if it is happening very often (e.g. every project or every other project) you might want to look into ADHD stuff. I got some medicine for my ADHD, and it’s worlds better.
Amanda 3 years ago
I know I developed like adult ADD with my depression I get nothing done BUT I am scared that the doctor will think I'm just lying, trying to get the drugs. It makes me nervous to try and talk to doc about anything that may need any of the drugs the may sell on street because I've been falsely accused by a doctor before. Mean while my life is ticking away, time just being wasted
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Heidi Beck 3 years ago
Writing college papers at the last minute…didn’t mean I wasn’t working on it. I mulled and thought about it until it coalesced and “wrote itself”.
#14
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have three kids. It's totally a coping mechanism. If I'm upset or stressed, I clean, and with a baby, I'm stressed a lot.
This behavior comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn't clean and tidy. He would yell that he has four daughters, so why aren't things clean? I thought if the house was clean, it was one less thing to be yelled at about.
I'm slowly learning that it's OK to leave dishes in the sink or have an unmade bed. A mess still makes me extremely anxious, but I'm doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
Susie Elle 3 years ago
Your dad thought his daughters were born with brooms and vaccuums in their hands, because women? I'm sorry you were treated that way, OP.
Anaïs Grobin 3 years ago (edited)
A shocking amount of dads believe that. Mine didn't, but 3 of my childhood best friends had dads like that, and one friend was raising her younger siblings alongside her older brother and he used to say stuff like that too (he was 20, she was 13 and the younger sibs were 3 girls and 1 boy)
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BusLady 3 years ago
I grew up with a mother who was a terrible housekeeper (and still is- a real hoarder). She had 4 daughters and we were expected to do housework, which I didn't think was unreasonable since we lived there. My dad and brother were never expected to do anything. But I was the only one of 7 people who cared about keeping the house clean. That was of course a losing battle. After I married and had children, and had a home of my own, I became obsessed about keeping the house spotless. I did my best, but had no help from my husband or sons, because "men don't do housework." It was many years before I could get past this need to have a perfectly clean house. Now, in my old age, I have more important things to worry about. Lol
Susie Elle 3 years ago
Hopefully it's accepting that men have the same amount of hands as women and are perfectly capable of doing housework.
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Viola Fö 3 years ago
And then once it's clean you learn that he just finds something else to yell about. I was living with someone who would come home and literally check what I did all day, complain about the way I opened the salt and I accidentally put his pan into the dishwasher and he still yelled at me 3 months after. I was facing homelessness and just kept quiet. Eventually I had enough. Told him to gfh and moved into a woman's shelter. Not great but better than having this DB threaten me with becoming homeless 3 times a day.
Crystal Lamas 3 years ago
Your dad raised you with outdated social norms and that has long term effects on your emotions.
AliJanx 3 years ago
When my husband died, I learned to pick and choose the battles within myself. It's okay to run a load of already clean dishes, add dirty ones, and then run the dishwasher. It's ok to have cereal for dinner. It's okay if the bed isn't perfectly made. It's ok to pay someone to do the lawn. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have my husband still alive, but I've learned that some things aren't nearly as important to ME as it was to us.
Remi Flynne 3 years ago
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad that you are allowing you to make choices that suit you.
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rhubarb 3 years ago
Your dad would complain about the house not being cleaned because he had daughters and they were supposed to do the cleaning? He sounds like a ridiculous man. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Everybody should help with cleaning.
Tuna Fish 3 years ago
These people were raised in a different time. I had hell raising my three sons because my husband was raised to believe house keeping and child rearing was women's work. But, honestly it didn't get better until one day I woke up and said NO. It is not all on me to clean, feed and keep up with 5 people when I also work a 40 hour a week job. It wasn't until I started earning more than my husband that he realized that it was completely unfair to expect me to literally do everything except his job to raise our family. Sometimes you have to just accept that this is how things have always been but that doesn't mean you can't change them for the future. I feel the same way about racism. Yes, it is a real thing that exists today because it was acceptable for so long. It's up to each generation to see the wrongs of the previous generations and change for the better.
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youtube viewing only yea 3 years ago
Cleaning for me is a coping mechanism from stress ..which actually has a name that I found out when I was 30(Im 32 now) and its sublimation... Thanks psychology
#15
Eating too fast. I remember noticing this even as a child still. I was always done first. And I never out grew it. Neglect and abandonment issues.
Mark Howell 3 years ago
I learned at an early age, if I didn't eat my food quickly, my younger sister would pinch it. She was never repremanded for it, but it didn't go both ways.
Amanda 3 years ago
That is messed up parenting. I tried very hard to treat all 3 of my kids equally no matter their age. Which was with as much respect as I wanted back and as much attention as "the baby girl would get, even if the boys were 8and 13 when baby was born,lol. They all love each other and get along so well. That's the good thing that came out of my experience as oldest wanting for stuff all my younger spoiled brothers got is as a mother I did the opposite.
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BusLady 3 years ago
When I met my first husband, I noticed that he ate his meals very quickly. One day I asked him about it. There were 9 kids in the family, and his mom would just set the food on the table and it was "snatch and grab." The older kids took all the food and didn't leave much for the youngest ones. He was one of the younger kids. So they learned to be aggressive at meals and eat quick before it was all gone. I couldn't even imagine it.
Evelyn Ann 3 years ago
My ex husband is one of 7 kids and family was pretty poor. They had enough to eat but you had to eat fast for someone else not to steal it...when i met him he hunched over his plate protecting it. I am one of two so that was bizarre to me. Over time with just us two and our daughter he slowed down to enjoy it. Funniest part is he's a chef now and would be insulted if people scarfed like he did!
BusLady 3 years ago
I know, my husband did that also, protecting his food. His family was very poor as well.
Load More Replies... Isabella Minter 3 years ago
i did this because i never wanted to be the last one eating. i'm not the skinniest so i didn't want people to think i was eating more than everyone else.
Paul Davis 3 years ago
I can't get out of this habit. The idea someone would take my food away if I wasn't fast enough.
Darcy Marie 3 years ago
I did this too. Still do. It was less neglect and abandonment and more my mom was a single mom and at our worst she worked five jobs, but never less than three. I learned I had to eat fast because I always had I had to HURRY HURRY! EAT! FAST! and go from home to my mom's next job with her or one of her friends houses to watch her. We we're always on the move to get to one place or the other.
Two_rolling_black_eyes 3 years ago
I had good parents but I have this problem because I grew up poor in a large family. First, everyone was given a small portion and you couldn't have seconds until your plate was clean. There's 8 pieces of chicken for 7 people and you have to eat all your green beans and turnips before you can ask for the last chicken wing. Second, as working poor, meals were rushed because you had to go. Breakfast was eating a bowl of cereal as fast as possible between the paper route and going to school (me) or make it to your second job in time between loading trucks at UPS and working at the hotel (dad). Dad had an hour between jobs that were 5 minutes apart but he'd drive the 20 minutes each way to get us off safely that day. First one home would make the sandwiches for everyone to take as bag lunches. If you did have some free time, it was making a bunch of PBJs so we all got lunch that day.
Katherine Hyde 3 years ago
I had 3 brothers. Second helpings we're based on who was already finished. I eat quickly still. I use it to save time for other tasks. My youngest brother still beats me every time.
Meanwhile, childhood independence expert Lenore Skenazy explained to Bored Panda why there are so many ‘helicopter’ parents who are overprotective, overbearing, and anxious to let their kids have freedom.
She told us that it’s a result of “our catastrophizing culture” which has scared some parents senseless. By controlling kids to make them safe, some parents force them to live in anxiety.
“The result is not safety, it’s anxiety—kids who absorbed the message that everything is too much for them to handle. When you’re anxious, a simple slip-up doesn’t seem so simple. It seems huge—even life-threatening. How can you avoid those awful threats? That part is simple. You avoid doing anything,” she said.
#16
Always being okay having your decisions overridden by others and believing they know best. Examples: For birthdays, we’d get to pick a restaurant to eat at. I’d pick a place and usually my sister would complain and my parents would override. Being asked what I’d want for Christmas and being told 'No, you don’t' when you tell them what you want. I was super into astronomy growing up, so when I asked for a telescope, I was told more than once I didn’t want it. So I started to believe I didn’t want one.
Susie Elle 3 years ago
I feel this. My family has the tendency to kind of take my opinion into consideration but they never do anything with it.
Danielle Sellars 3 years ago
My opinions were never even considered much less heard... I was the there but not there kid that my "mother" was stuck with because and I quote "the clothes hanger idea didn't work" I'm pretty f*ed up and then the flat out abandonment at 15.... Been such a lovely childhood...
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Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
Wait. OP's birthday. They pick a restaurant. Sister goes, "NOOO I DONT WANT THAT RESTAURANT" and the parents are like, "of course sweetie!! you're the best child!! why would we listen to your sibling on their birthday lmao!?"
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
Because your sibling's the one who's going to pitch a MAJOR tantrum and melt down completely if you don't do what THEY want. I can still see my brother's smug "I got my way again!" smirk....
Load More Replies... Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
And if you try to stand up for yourself, you're "bossy" and "ruining things for everyone else."
Rhianna 3 years ago
Not a coping mechanism but a similar situation that I didn't know how to handle. This happened but sort of in reverse. My mom would always say that she didn't get a chance when asked where to go or what to watch. She acted the victim even though we asked her directly and would have valued her opinion. Whenever asked, she would become angry and just go silent and then when we made a decision, just sigh angrily like we had done something wrong and then storm off to her room.
Remi Flynne 3 years ago
Sounds like she might be a narcissist - they have a tendency to always be the victim.
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Don't Look 3 years ago
I’m now facing this issue head on. I mean I cannot make a decision at all and I always assume the other party has the best interests of both of us in mind. It’s actually rather dangerous.
Lsai Aeon 3 years ago
Same. I also had a cousin that HAD to be the center of attention so on my birthdays she would take her insulin then not eat in order to be hospitalized so she had full attention. I was then told that we couldn't have my birthday/cake/ice cream/open presents without her. So I never got them
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
I never had this experience with my family, but my exes dad would always do that "No, you don't want that." to me. It was perplexing and frustrating. Like, how dare someone who isn't me tell me what's best for me. And over a carbon monoxide detector I thought would be a good idea considering we had a gas furnace.
#17
Self depreciating jokes. If I make fun of myself first it wont hurt as bad when someone else makes fun of me.
Remi Flynne 3 years ago
Surprised no one has picked up that it is self-deprecating jokes... not depreciating.
Paul Davis 3 years ago
I'm very familiar with this -- the moment When you make that hilarious self-deprecating joke and realize everyone near you is looking at you with horror or pity
grotesqueer 3 years ago
I'd think self depreciating jokes can be completely normal, but not for this reason. Joking about yourself can be a sign of low self esteem or a very good one. In the latter case you have a realistic sense and awareness of your shortcomings, so you can make jokes about them. I think a good way to tell the two apart is to reflect on what your reaction would be if someone else made the joke about you instead. If it'd be still just as funny, the jokes and your self-esteem have a healthy foundation. If it'd hurt you, they don't.
#18
Constantly trying to preempt or diffuse situations. I'm always checking the mood of the room. I'm pretending to laugh to lighten up my parents interactions.
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
Would go down to get a glass of water to remind them "I'm here and listening" but that made them angry at me for "interrupting their argument."
Hedgeh og 3 years ago
That's so sad. You must have been stressed all the time. I hope you're in a healthier situation now 💛
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Remi Flynne 3 years ago
Me too. Someone said the other day how quick I was to defuse a tense moment with a joke - comes from protecting yourself.
Load More Replies... LeighAnne Brown-Pedersen 3 years ago
Constantly thinking that I can stop my parents from fighting by being funny or diffuse by making mom stop crying after their fight.
Joy JoyJoy 3 years ago
That. And simultaneously be the counselor for everyone in the house, at the cost of your own sanity.
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Katherine Hyde 3 years ago
We kids all became little comedians to pad our dad's emotions. Fewer guilt inducing temper tantrums that way.
Linda Marrs-Patterson 3 years ago
I do this with my husband. Gauge his mood when I get home from work so I know how to be while I am around him. And then also having to warn the kids that dad is In one of his moods today.
#19
Or shutting down because you have to work out the 'perfect response' in real-time. And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
Sareaesque 3 years ago (edited)
I had an ex who admitted to purposely pressing buttons he thought would make me angry to get a response out of me, because this (shutting down) is my response to being overwhelmed/in confrontational situations.
rhubarb 3 years ago
I'm glad he's your ex. Anyone who purposely makes you mad to get a response should be cut out. I'm sorry you had to go through a breakup though.
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Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
This is one of many reasons why call-outs are not effective. You don't get to demand a certain response from someone else --- even WITHOUT a history of trauma! -- and then get upset when they don't perform it the way you want. When you start confronting me for perceived offenses, and then tell me I'm not allowed to ask a question, be confused, cry, disagree and/or have any response but "shut up and listen," that's inhumane. It's also an abuse tactic.
Nancy Delgado 3 years ago
Yeah, my ex did the same thing, then laughed at me when I got angry.
Load More Replies... Mahogany Eclipse 3 years ago
Yes! I too am well familiar with the shutting down survival tactic
David Brown 3 years ago
I have to make myself do this. From resent experiences I found out that when I'm attacked over something I tend to say things that I really shouldn't. I used it as a defense mechanism. Now I politely say I need a minute and come back to the conversation when I have a clear head and can rationalize what's going on. It's probably not the best way but it's helped me allot.
#20
I do this, too — and I terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me 'The Ghost,' and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment.
Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people. You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
Devan Buelow 3 years ago
Yes and i would run and hide when they got home cause i never wanted to be the first one they saw when they got home. They were always mad when they got home and went into inspection mode to nitpick wether we cleaned properly
HannEli 3 years ago
People called and still call me a ghost. I have learned that physically making loud sounds might end up in a fight, and mentally, walking on egg shells.
Christina Keenan 3 years ago
My grandfather was abusive (sexually) and my grandmother was hypercritical. They moved into my parents' house when I was 8.
Flash Henry 3 years ago
Everyone who knows me has accused me of teleportation because apparently no one should be that silent.
Mike Ipsen 3 years ago
I always try to have more than one exit from anywhere I am. This comes from being bullied as a child. The final act that made me never lock myself into a single exit was getting punched in the face getting off the bus in the 5th grade. I never rode a bus from that day on. Multiple escape paths are still a thing for me at 54.
Zeus Lim 3 years ago
Yeah, one time my classmates said I should make a sound when I enter the room. So I walked in, sat down ,remembered that I needed to make a sound, pulled my file out and dropped it on the table. They let me stay silent after. Plus I can move fast and I like sitting in dark enclosed spaces. Makes it look like I disappear or sometimes makes me look like I'm in more than one place at once. Because apparently normal people don't run everywhere, I just get this feeling that I'm moving too slow all the time.
Amy Broderick 3 years ago
my office mates call me a Ninja because I just appear of of thin air especially on stairs
#21
Daydreaming for me. Fantasizing with being loved, cared for, and finding the greatest everlasting unconditional love. This has f**ked me up when attempting relationships as an adult. Having this conundrum today. Wondering whether this is good, problematic, achievable or even realistic, considering my experience and how I see people relate sentimentally to each other around me. Holding on to it or throwing it away for... what? I don't know what I'd want instead.
Sareaesque 3 years ago
It's funny, I used to write a lot and one of the characters I used to talk to as an imaginary friend to feel safer/less lonely was a long haired metal head named Rick. My fiancé is a long-haired metal-head (who is also a huge geek for extra credit) named Ricky.
Lou Lopez 3 years ago (edited)
I'm not willing to work on my MaDD because I reject the notion that reality is better. I have SO MANY stories I can drop into at a moments notice. I don't get bored because I can just stare at a wall and vividly "hallucinate" for hours. I miss cleaning houses because I could check-out all day long. I can't do that now, and it sucks.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
I understand. I did that for years growing up. Then I married and had 3 kids and other than my 3 wonderful children, my fantasy life was much better than my real one. I was married to a man who appeared to resent my presence at all times. I was basically ignored. Now he's my ex, and my kids are grown, and I'm retired, my "inside my head" life is back. SO much better!
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An Unpopular Opinion. 3 years ago
I do this all the time. Sometimes I get quite mad at myself, for finding it hard to stay in reality, and sometimes the best thing is just to lie in bed and daydream like that
Payton 3 years ago
I'm sort of a lonely person even when around others and sometimes. And when I'm by myself or struggling with an internal issue like not wanting to to a school assignment I'll imagine someone telling me that I can do it. And I also have big stories in my head that sometimes I'll replay and space out with. The stories however do not involve me. Probably not normal but I don't have anything else to do sometimes especially when I'm on a long bus ride.
Tigerpacingthecage 3 years ago
I did that too as a kid and still do. Especially with relationships. I often dream of things I wish being better or I want to connect on a deeper level. When I feel like that's too much to ask for or just not possible I sort of shut down/back away and just follow their lead but continue to dream and hope.
Terri Williams 3 years ago
Living in my daydreams gives me control that I don't have in reality. If I don't like my daydream I can go back and re-do it. I've done this as long as I can remember and I'm 66 years old. I have been diagnosed with bipolar, depression and anxiety. I guess this just goes along with it. I can't be emotionally hurt in my daydreams.
Raven DeathShade 3 years ago
Look up Kallmekris on YouTube. She compliments everyone at the beginning of every video and it always makes me feel so much better.
Load More Replies... #22
I keep track of where people are in the house. Since you can usually distinguish who is walking by how they sound, you can easily tell where they are. I still do it to this day even when it isn't necessary.
The sound of my mom or dad walking down the stairs always made my blood pressure spike. It was my only warning that they might open my door because they were really bad about not knocking and that meant they were pissed or wanted something. Unfortunately, they could also be walking downstairs for laundry or something else. So I would get worked up for no reason.
Geeki Nikki 3 years ago
I did this ALL THE TIME when I was a kid. I still kind of do it but the need isn't there as much.
Hazel Sage 3 years ago
Yeah, me too. I developed an almost uncanny knack for predicting when my dad would get home, and would warn my mom and siblings. The reasons he was so unpredictable were that he owned his own business (international expert on online teaching and the software involved, like Zoom), so he could set his own schedule; and because he was an alcoholic, his sleep schedule was completely f*cked up. He could leave or return at any time of the day or night, so it was imperative that we have those precious few seconds before he came in the door. “Dad’s home!” became the signal for everybody to look busy or disappear into their rooms. Since the divorce, we don’t have to do it anymore, but I find that I still keep track of where everyone is, when they’re leaving, and when they’re coming home.
Load More Replies... Diana K 3 years ago
My mom also did not knock. I wonder what it's like to grow up having your privacy, you know, actually respected..?
Sareaesque 3 years ago (edited)
No idea, I wish I knew. I put a sign on my door one day asking them to knock if the door was closed because I had a lot of coursework to focus on. Sign got teared down and I got chewed out for the next couple of hours about how disrespectful I was. I put a lot of effort now when we have someone staying in our spare room to make sure not to go in there unless I ask their permission first, even if it is for something in there that belongs to me.
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Evil Little Thing 3 years ago
I do this but wasn't abused or neglected. I just like to keep track of what's going on around me. I walk very quietly, too, and frequently inadvertently startle people.
ImAGemini 3 years ago
Same, I verify people by how the floors creak by how much weight is on them, is easy for me to tell. I’m also VERY quiet, so I end up scaring everybody a lot
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AngelWingsYT 3 years ago
Kinda like me when i hear them talking in another room...i always think its about me and my anxiety spikes wondering what i did wrong
B S 3 years ago
i constantly freak people out cause i can hear them enter or leave a room or because i can hear conversations in other rooms. i can feel and hear changes in positions, air flow changes ect. normies have no idea how much it sucks being able to hear when your neighbor is doing laundry at 3am.
Stace Maree 3 years ago
I had that at work, I knew who was walking down the hallway so I could prepare or pretend to work
#23
I just found out I have a binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. It comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from.
BusLady 3 years ago (edited)
My dad would eat snacks in front of us and not give us any. Then he would hide the snacks. Being kids, we would naturally get into them, then he would punish all of us. I started buying snacks with my spending money and that was the start of a lifetime of overeating and struggling with my weight. To this day, I find myself hoarding and hiding snack foods, and binge eating. It took me many years to see the connection.
Nora Petricien 3 years ago (edited)
Idk if it's similar since I don't do it in secret but as long as I have food near me I'll eat, no matter if I'm hungry or not. I have sometimes eaten until I threw up and then proceeded on going back to eat again... Idk how to deal with that... Weirdest part is I am able to not eat for a week if I don't like the food around me. I never feel hungry...
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
I don't have anorexia, but when I'm seriously stressed I couldn't care less about food. When I was a kid my parents took me to the doc about not eating. It was always a virus and I'd get over it. No. I couldn't stomach what was going on at home. I couldn't stomach eating food either. I'm going through massive stress right now. I dont care about food. I've lost 20lbs. A good thing. I need to. A bad thing. Losing weight that way.
Mazer 3 years ago
I don’t binge eat but I was raised dirt poor, having to sometimes shoplift in order to eat
Teresa Stabler 3 years ago
I'm really sorry you had it that rough. That must have been very hard to go through.
Load More Replies... Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
I'm kind of the opposite. You'd never know it to look at me, but I always made sure everyone else ate first (oldest of a poor four, food issues). I didn't drink milk so the "littles" could have it. Even now (59) I make sure my husband is served first and gets seconds first if he wants.
#24
Sometimes I wonder if I'm indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn't anything malicious. Just being the youngest of three, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I'll be like, 'sure whatever' — and stifle my own desires for others.
Eb 3 years ago
That and the eternal 'no one cares what you think/want', so eventually you lose touch with that.
Miz Melatonin 3 years ago
..... but no one in my life does actually give a damn. Uts been proven over and over
Load More Replies... rhubarb 3 years ago
I'm one of the oldest kids, and do this because my parents only listen to the youngest. It's the exact opposite.
olx 3 years ago
frr, maybe its a culture thing im starting to think because where im from in the uk its always the youngest that gets listened to unless you have *really* good parents
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Bethany Heller 3 years ago
This sounds backwards to me. As the oldest of three, my youngest sibling gets away with *everything*. I've literally had to ask his permission to play games with middle sibling. My opinions/desires/thoughts? Unimportant.
BananaNutBread 3 years ago
I do this because when I was younger I expressed my opinion and it caused a huge fight between my parents. I now know the fight was really about other things, but as a 5 or 6 year old I just stood there thinking, look what I did. I thought if I didn't have an opinion I wouldn't cause problems. The sad thing is, I see this repeating itself in my nephew. I hope that with encouragement he can someday find the help and healing I have
Minimo 3 years ago
I did the opposite. Somewhere between 30 and 40 I decided my opinion was just as important. Dug my heels into the sand and said 'NO, it's my life so my way.' At first people (especially family) had trouble dealing with this. Persevered and 5 years later I'm getting complimented that I "finally found my voice". People are weird.
Mark Howell 3 years ago
I've had this at work. Was once IT manager/ maintenance engineer, now new management don't listen to warning about problems that will bite them on the a$$ if not dealt with soon. Got fed up with being ignored or told to shut-up, so now when $hit hits the fan, I just ride the tsunami of 'why were we not told sooner?'
Connie Bonneville 3 years ago
I always want to see my loved ones happy so I'm usually 'whatever makes you happy' and go along with that. Unfortunately I finally learned it attracts very controlling people into my life. So I'm careful of that now.
Izabela Wilson 3 years ago
Here was the oldest that used to cause trouble. All the attention to him. My middle brother and me? Meh.
Load More Replies... #25
This. Gone through my whole life like it, am 24 now. When I say I'm not all here, I'm REALLY not all here. I'm not anchored, I'm constantly slipping into my head in crazy adventures with consistent characters, settings, universes, and themes. It's like constantly slipping out of reality and into a trippy TV show. I guess it's kinda nice sometimes, but it gets in the way of school, work, and EVERYTHING I try to do.
Izzy Curer 3 years ago
Story of my life. Or rather, the story of my characters' lives. I'm the one who's not real.
Joybug 3 years ago
I've learned to live there. Being suicidal, its the only way for me to stay sane and alive.
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Kids Krueger 3 years ago
So actually this is called Maladaptive Daydreaming. I have it, and it's pretty normal. I will constantly think of new lines for my characters.
Flash Henry 3 years ago
I've always done this. Started writing the good ones down and since then I've finished 5 novels.
ImAGemini 3 years ago
I- this might help me, because my mind is like this almost 24/7 and it makes it hard for me to work. Thanks!
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Stephanie IV 3 years ago
This sounds very tiring and difficult. Can you chart your slipping-outs and see whether you can postpone them to a more convenient time? So they don’t interfere with your school?
Cleo Bean 3 years ago
This sounds like a series of dissociative episodes, and you cannot control them. Asking someone to control an endless mental tsunami isn't fathomable. It is almost synonymous with asking someone with an anxiety disorder to "calm down" or schedule their panic attacks. I really hope the above post was a joke, and I'm just too dense to realize it was sarcasm.
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Sadia Adnan 3 years ago
I have OCD and it often leads to violent thoughts about the people I love the most, so I've just invented few stories, plots, and characters in my head, and it always helps knowing that someone loves you, even if it's imaginary. But sometimes I'll get so distracted that I'll zone out, lose my sleep+ appetite. It sucks!
#26
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose it if I had 'a tone' or sounded upset in any way. It's taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
Rage of Aquarius 3 years ago
The "Watch Your Tone With Me" speech! Half my childhood right there.
Fatal Immortality 3 years ago
A lot of mine was because I'm autistic. I often take a tone I don't mean to or my monotone-ness is interpreted as sarcasm when I (usually oops) didn't mean it to be. Took until I was diagnosed at 14 for my parents to realise I wasn't sarcastic and catty, just brutally honest because I didn't realise lying was acceptable in some circumstances and monotone
Load More Replies... Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
They scream in your face, and then you get punished for "being defensive." I had no idea until I was well into adulthood that... you're allowed to defend yourself.
Lilly Carmichael 3 years ago
Wait you are??? I straight don't argue back when my partner accuses me of things bc "well that's what they think, I can't change their mind and then I'm just being defensive." It makes sense, what you're saying...
Load More Replies... Tuna Fish 3 years ago
I'm the total opposite. I avoid any emotional situation because I can't control my voice when I'm upset or depressed or angry. It gives me away every time.
Id row 3 years ago
"I'll give you something to cry about". I still don't show emotion very well because any time I showed any emotion growing up was ridiculed or I got yelled at. One time, when I was an adult, I won $1,100 on a slot machine and the woman next to me was so excited and making all kinds of noise. I kind of just sat there. Then she said, "Aren't you excited?" I just kind of awkward smiled and said, "yeah".
Stephanie Webb 3 years ago
i have to practice smiling. because i shown any emotion, i was beaten. my b***h face is on point.
GirlFriday 3 years ago
Same. I can sit straight-faced with absolutely no emotion whatsoever and speak completely without feeling after being told the worst news possible because of the "watch your tone" and "fix your face" from my parents. YEARS of it made me an emotional robot in front of others.
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
I do this, but only so when I'm crying and my mom talks to me from another room she can't hear me. I know that it's a band habit, but I can't break it
Vicki Thill 3 years ago
Oh. So, if I know a kid who speaks in a monotone voice and never seems to get overly excited about anything, like going to a movie, the mall, the park, a new game or toy, it's because the child taught themself to never show emotion? I always figured that the child was hard to please. Huh. So, then, was this child happy and excited on the inside? One time, I took this child to a candy store and almost got a smile, it was just a flicker of a smile on one side, but it was there, and I saw it. My heart soared that day.
#27
Having three or four different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations.
June 3 years ago
This can be a coping mechanism for social anxiety aswell.
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Susanne Van Erp 3 years ago
Totally! My auti-brain spends WEEKS before important meetings, rehearsing, studying 'how to be normal'. And then the person in my meeting ALWAYS manages to find the one question I did not prepare for. And then I either go mute ór go into an almost manic oversharing-mode. I used to be a teacher. Spent 3-4 hrs preparing for each class. Slept about 2 hrs a night, for 6 months or so, before I crashed. Toptip: don't become a teacher when autistic.
Jonathan West 3 years ago
I certainly prepare this much for certain conversations. But not all of em.
Alex Bailey 3 years ago (edited)
I might prepare some responses about a certain situation I'm worried will crop up but that's it. Mostly, no, people don't really do this - not the ones without issues!! Those of us with social anxiety, yes. That's according to therapists I've seen. I'd say it absolutely fits on this list.
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Guðrún Sveinsdóttir 3 years ago
I do this because my childhood was like walking on landmines 24/7.
HappyPanda 3 years ago
I think about starting a conversation with one of my favorite people, then I daydream about it, and when the moment comes, I chicken out.
#28
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work. I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was young, and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue, so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me.
ChikinNippls420 3 years ago
Yea... Recently got an MRI that showed chari malformation and excess spinal fluid in my back. I expected EVERYTHING except brain too big for skull and spinal cord too wet 🙄
Chandra Torres 3 years ago
Me too. It's called Defensive Pessimism. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best!! It's like condoms and guns. Better to have it and not need it. Than to need it and not have it.
Camilo's Bestie 3 years ago
I mentally stress myself out to the point where I don't sleep and I try to plan conversations too so I won't get hurt . I even try to plan out all the possible ways I could die at any given moment... Anything and everything is taken into account even that random napkin on the floor.
Jonathan West 3 years ago
I don't this sometimes but it really doesn't bother me. What's so bad about it?
#29
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, because I'm scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing happens with other things in my life: when I apply for a specific college, I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years resolution because somehow I think I would fail, and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
Chicken Tacos R Better 3 years ago
Same. I ALWAYS keep neutral. I don't want to be negative, but at the same time, I don't want to feel disappointment. I feel enough of that already, haha.
D. Pitbull 3 years ago
I "learned" that having aspirations was 'arrogant'.. and that I had such an 'inflated sense' of myself... as in... "Mom, I love animals, I want to be a vet"... and the response would be "Vets aren't rich, and you need to be smart. What? You think you're that smart? Tell me, what makes you think you're SOOOOooo smart?" - and if I was ever happy, or SHOWED happiness about doing well in anything (name it. Grades, project, folded a paper airplane correctly, whatever) - it was deemed that I was acting 'idiotic and irresponsible' so they made SURE I was grounded (aka: they'd find something to yell and scream at me about until I cried. Then they felt things were acceptable again.)
Miss Frankfurter 3 years ago
I live constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If there is a prospect of anything good happening, or maybe this time I made the right decision, wait for it. Wait for it. Sure enough. I'm in the middle of it right now. Hence the earlier post and 20lb weight loss.
JLN 3 years ago
I just never look forward to anything because I know if I do something will come along to ruin it. If things are going 'good' in life something will happen to make sure I'm just barely surviving instead of thriving. And yes I know how extremely sad that is, it's just a constant thing throughout my life and I figure I'm never meant to succeed at anything
#30
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens. I would then bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
Jacob Nunez 3 years ago
Same, I can literally distinguish the sounds of my dad or my mom knocking on a door, walking down or up steps, when my mom or dad closes car doors, the lot basically.
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
Exactly. I know my dad and mom's footsteps. I can distinguish their emotions from their walks. I can feel the vibrations of the garage door. I can tell how my sister feels and if she's going to hit me from how heavily she's breathing. I know. I know. I know it all.
Terry Butler 3 years ago
You seem young. I hope you have or will find someone in your life who values you and loves you unconditionally, as you should be cared for. For me, it was my high school Sunday School teacher, who treated me as an equal and taught with love and kindness. I learned from her how adults should treat young people. Best wishes. 💕
Load More Replies... BananaNutBread 3 years ago
I became good at telling my mom's mood by how she closed the front door when she got home from work. The way the door dictated if it was OK to come out of my room or if it was better to just stay in there all evening.
moonlit muffins 3 years ago
i always hear them walking in the hallway of our apartment building
QueenAppleDragon 3 years ago
I used to play on my phone at night so I could tell the difference between my mom, dad, sister and grandma's footsteps coming up the stairs.
Tricia Georgetti 3 years ago
Wait that's not normal? I can tell when anyone gets home without looking outside even with the windows and doors closed in my house just by hearing the sound of their cars pulling into the driveway. Also it's not just in my house I can tell what everyone of my neighbors cars sound like also. I can also tell footsteps and how people knock on the door who it is. My twin sister is also the same way.
#31
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn't matter because I was "too young to have real problems". Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn't matter or wasn't a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I'd just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
Enlee Jones 3 years ago
OMG I remember once telling someone I was stressed out and he just said “What do YOU have to worry about?” Yeah, thanks for completely invalidating my feelings there, j@ckass.
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
i don't understand...Me having anxiety with math is better than my parents dealing with a kid throwing a fit over 8x17
Gwen Brothers 3 years ago
Yeah I always loved it when my mom told me how I should feel, so I didn't have to figure it out for myself 🙄
Chandra Torres 3 years ago
OMG YES!! I was told at a very young age that I was "too sensitive". So, I just shut down. Turned off all emotions. To the point where when our dog died, I didn't cry. My mother looked at me and asked "What's wrong with you?" It took me years to SLOWLY reintegrate emotions into my personality. I'm 47, and better now. But, I can turn them off at the drop of a hat still ...
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
OMG this is the first one that actually IS me! My mom always treated me like I didn't have any ideas of my own and couldn't possibly understand others' feelings. I remember her laughing hysterically when I, at 13, asked her to see a psychiatrist, because I was sure I was going crazy. So I just shut down after that. What was the point?
Felicia Gardner 3 years ago
Still do this even with therapy. It sucks that abuse can do so much damage to someone.
Laura Capshaw 3 years ago
Grrrrr! Children have worries just as adults do. They should NEVER be told that their anxiety is too small and not real.
Lorraine R 3 years ago
And often children's fears and anxieties are greater, because they don't have frames of reference or context to understand how likely, or unlikely, their fears are to come true.
Load More Replies... Agent 8433599 3 years ago
I do this then my family gets mad that I "don't care". It's really . . . (word that perfectly describes it)
Tricia Georgetti 3 years ago
My mom's response to any complaint or issue my sister and I ever brought up was "Cest La Vie"( translates to such is life, which is basically s**t happens) Our entire childhood and as adults we are now 41 she has used this her only go to response to any issue big or small. I'd like to point out we arent French she's 100% Irish & dad is 100% Italian. That phrase drives both of us insane whenever we hear it. It's like nails on a chalkboard.
#32
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say — it’s exhausting.
Iggy 3 years ago (edited)
If you are now an adult, let them get offended. About time they grew up.
Christina Keenan 3 years ago
Easier said than done. It's takes constant effort and total self awareness to break a habit like this that you have been doing for years
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Melo Melody 3 years ago
I do this since I was a kid. At some point when I got pregnant, I stopped doing it. If you touch me I won't smile, I'll just get angry and start being overprotective. LOL it's like I've let go of trying to please everybody and just raged on of what I was actually feeling. Never went back to playing nice. It felt so nice to express and what I actually feel.
Judy Reynolds 3 years ago
When I was in my late teens, I used to wonder who I really was, behind the mask I wore.
Artchangel 3 years ago
then there'd be the: "what are you laughing about?" they'd be sure I was laughing at them.
Madison Arthur 3 years ago
I can dig it parents including myself can be sensitive but usually If something gets you irritated it is probably something you need to work on
#33
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts.
Camilo's Bestie 3 years ago
I agree I jumped when I scrolled too fast almost threw my phone!
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Pony Lauricella 3 years ago
Ohhh I feel this one. I have horrendous chronic pain, hurts to do anything. But I joke about it and laugh at myself when I am around other people. When I'm alone again, I cry.
Furious George 3 years ago
This is a weird one. I laugh if I get hurt badly. Like a small thing hurts normally, but if it's really dangerous or devastating I start laughing hysterically.
Bexx 🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 3 years ago
Same, like “hahahaha look everyone don’t panic I’m fine hahaha everything is okay hahaha” while desperately trying to mop up the blood
Load More Replies... Vicki Thill 3 years ago
My first reaction to seeing someone get hurt is anger. I ignore it and jump into action, but I'm pissed off the whole time. Seriously, I'll be mopping up your blood and swearing like a sailor. My kids are grown and if they are in another room and make a loud noise, they still yell out "I'm okay, Mom, I'm okay!"
Sadia Adnan 3 years ago
It hurts real bad, no matter how much I hint that I'm upset, I know that it's not visible outside. People know me as a happy go lucky personality, but it hurts bad. My bedroom cushion is the only one that knows what I'm going through.😔
Vicki Thill 3 years ago
I hope you print this out and give it to everyone around you, because if you burned yourself and started laughing, it would freak me the hell out. Regardless, I'd jump in, because I wouldn't find it remotely funny, and I'd call you a weirdo the whole time I'm bandaging you up. So, knock it off, you're scaring us crybabies who run up to strangers to show them our booboo's.
Darian Starfrog 3 years ago
I break out into fits of hysterics when something REALLY bad is happening.. it almost drowned me when trying to save my sister from drowning in the sea. I saved her though.. ;)
#34
Learning about dissociation is a game-changer. It's so hard to explain what you feel when it's happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps us understand it and not feel so broken.
BRODOOLERINGO 3 years ago
Feeling like your life is a game, but you're watching yourself playing on the couch from outside the window. Losing time. Losing thoughts. Losing connections. Losing friends. Not noticing it all until it's to late. Coupled with derealization it can really unalive your whole social construct.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago (edited)
I've had that a few times in my life when I've been either under ridiculous stress or when I've been in massive pain but have to still function. I remember having such a hideous headache once that I was kind of outside myself so I couldn't feel as much pain, while carrying on doing what I had to do. As the poster said, trying to explain it properly is so hard.
Sami Rezler 3 years ago
I sometimes have this. I literally feel like I'm looking at a distance through my eyes, or I see the past as if I were looking at myself from another person's view...it's kind of distressing
Stephanie McConkey 3 years ago
When it happens to me, I'm physically going away. I can't feel things on my skin, I don't care about the real world, and I tend to get lost in books. Then when I come back to earth, it's usually an experience that's negative and scary. I hate it.
buttonpusher 3 years ago
It happens a lot less frequently but as a child I had these weird episodes where nothing felt real, everything is in slow motion and I'd have this sort of fuzzy feeling. It'd last a few mins where I would just be very still and glassy eyed.
#35
My mom used to take away things I enjoyed when she was thinking I was behaving badly. At some point, I started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now I'm curious if despite all other problems this also had an influence on me being indifferent about other people's presence and emotions.
Afrika 3 years ago
Yes, it definitely is. Just as it is normal to get grounded and stuff. However, there is such a thing as a punishment that doesn't fit the crime, and parents only looking for an excuse to either get rid of something they don't want you to have for their own selfish reasons or make you suffer for their pleasure. Sadism does exist, I'm afraid.
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Vicki Thill 3 years ago
"being indifferent about other people's presence and emotions" is a strong statement. To say that you feel no particular interest in anyone's presence or what they might be feeling could lead to a very secluded life. Whatever it stems from, it can't be a fun way to live, nor could you be a very fun person to interact with. My hope for you is that therapy opens a door for you into a world where other peoples' presence and emotions are the colors of life.
Piper L 3 years ago
Too risky. Emotions are deceptive a lot of the time, people more so. Apathy about most things keeps me safe from having the rug pulled out from under me again, I do have a string emotional response to the written word though. For what that's worth.
Load More Replies... Crystal Lamas 3 years ago
Im trying to understand this one. If you actually did something bad, this is a healthy discipline from a parent. If you didn't do anything and your mom is punishing you simply because she is "thinking" you misbehaved, that's abusive
Artchangel 3 years ago
Anything I cared about got destroyed, because I wasn't allowed to care about anything.
Enby.Minecraft.Bee. 3 years ago
This is why i didn't join sports or clubs (Except drama club) no matter how much she said she wanted to be a soccer mom. Or tell my mom about things i really liked. I was always afraid she would take it away in an attempt to make me listen.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
I had a very active life inside my head. My parents could have taken everything away from me, but they had no control over my mind. I could have been perfectly happy in an empty room, living my life.
Melanie Hornak 3 years ago
What's the difference between this and being grounded? Truly I don't understand.
Piper L 3 years ago
I guess from what I've heard, being grounded is usually for a finite period of time, you lose access to your favored things/people/activities whatever. What I had, and I'm guessing the op, was an infinitely unknowable time/reason/occasion when anything I liked could be literally anything, was suddenly snatched away, taken and I never knew when or mostly if I would get any of them back.
Load More Replies... #36
Yes, and when someone says, 'You don’t have to say sorry' and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry, and you get in a loop for saying sorry. Nowadays, it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad, I just keep repeating it.
Mrs. Jan Glass 3 years ago
I can say "I'm sorry" in six different languages for this very reason.
Katinka Min 3 years ago
I get mad as fire when someone says 'You don't have to apologize' in a patronizing tone. I usually answer with 'It was a British sorry, I don't actually mean it'. I was just being polite, you fathead, be polite back or I'll get snarky.
Reida Cingel 3 years ago
I do this I finally got called on it by my old boss who told me not.everything is my fault. Unfortunately I still do it and my husband tries so hard to help me stop but I can't
Damia Myst 3 years ago
My son (13) does this. I have started telling him "I forgive you." on the first apology. It breaks his cycle.
Load More Replies... BasedWang12 3 years ago
I try to cope with people doing this knowing that it's in their head, but jeeeeeeze its annoying
#37
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they're always happy, life goes smoothly, and my life is serene. The latter isn't the case unfortunately; I'm exhausted and always on edge.
JJ 3 years ago
I never considered this as a coping mechanism. I do this all the time and I get extremely stressed out when my husband comes home from work early because I didn't have the time to tidy up yet. He never said something about it, neither does he expect me to do all this but now I understand why it's making me so, so, so nervous...
Riley Quinn 3 years ago
Well after my divorce, living alone, I continued a few coping mechanisms, I assume, out of daily habit. It's been quite a few months now, pandemic isolation helped, but I'm letting a lot of things slide by my nervous attention. I've been aware of a few of my CMs for a number of years, and I wonder if my constant cleaning and organizing was my pathetic attempt to keep the chaos at bay.
Load More Replies... #38
I know that...it's like flipping a switch. It's most noticeable to me when I'm watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so I mentally switch from being in tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. It completely removes all emotion.
Mahogany Eclipse 3 years ago
I usually prefer watching some things by myself dmfor this very reason and I can just skip to the next scene that doesnt cause me great discomfort
#39
My dad would get snippy with my sister and me to watch our tone when we wouldn't have one. And then in high school and college, the slightest friggin shift in demeanor of my friends toward me sent me into a damn worry spiral.
My boyfriend likes to speak frankly and clearly, and my mind makes it sound like he's upset, which makes me apologize and actually annoy him since I apologize too much to begin with.
Hamilfan 3 years ago
I have issues with maintaining friendships because I would randomly convince myself that they found me annoying and just leave them alone
Raven DeathShade 3 years ago
How odd, I don't remember making 2 different BP accounts.
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Lakota Wolf 3 years ago
This is why I love animals. This is why, when I was a kid, my only friends were my pets. Thanks, Mom, for making me become someone who is completely unable to interact with other human beings! Then again, I have two wonderful cats and a newly-adopted puppy, so hey, silver lining XD
Stephanie IV 3 years ago
Your boyfriend needs a severe talking to. You’re not the only one who needs to pay attention to the other person‘s interpretation of a situation and of what they deem acceptable. You are who you are and have every right to ask others to make room for that.
Mazer 3 years ago (edited)
The boyfriend speaks frank and clear but you take issue with that?? Relationships…any relationship is a dance of balance, self and mutual respect. It’s is unfair to expect the world to bend to one persons perception of reality especially if that perception is tainted.
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#40
My sister and I both do this. Every minute spent at the table increased the likelihood that we would get yelled at for something unrelated, so the only strategy was to get out of there as quickly as possible. I have to make a conscious effort to slow down around other people now.
Rage of Aquarius 3 years ago
I do the opposite. Too panicky to eat, I freeze completely and only unfreeze once everybody's done. Even eating alone it takes me a long time.
Karl Baxter 3 years ago
If anyone’s hand gets unexpectedly close to my head I will flinch and duck involuntarily. My dad was on a hair trigger esp. at mealtimes and could lash out unexpectedly so it stems from avoiding being whacked round the head in those situations. My wife triggers this reflex unintentionally from time to time.
Felicia Gardner 3 years ago
And this is also why even as an adult it's hard to sit down and eat with my kids. I struggle with "family meals".
#41
Blocking out all background noise to avoid emotional damage from whatever’s going on.
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
I wish more people could just respect others that want to block out the noise. We can still hear sirens and see what's around us.
Mazer 3 years ago
Lagoon… check out a book on HSPs (highly sensitive people), it might help
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#42
Defusing is perfectly said. I'd become a doormat just so it didn't escalate to violence. I was 22-23 when I realized throwing s**t across the dinner table/screaming and yelling at every meal wasn't normal. I went to my best friend's house for pizza...on edge the entire time waiting to get hit in the mouth or see a cup fly across the room. Never happened. Perfectly normal family dinner. First one I ever had in my life, just like in the movies. I went to the bathroom and cried a bit. The positive note is that there aren't many people I don't get along with or CAN'T defuse. It's a skill I've become very good at because if you made the wrong move you got your a*s literally beat. It's like 5D chess I never knew I was playing. My father was one of the most manipulative and intelligent people I've ever seen, he'd be 5 steps ahead of you, and lead you exactly where he wanted. Never understood any of it until I went to therapy for years. We could probably have our own TV show. My family was the type that you'd never guess was destructive as f**k. Went to church, never in trouble, good grades, etc. We weren't poor by any means but my house was a f**king warzone looking back. We used to invite friends over so my parents wouldn't fight around guests. I always thought all of it was normal. I haven't seen or spoken to my father since 2016, life is better.
#43
Reading. A LOT. It was my only form of escapism that didn’t get me in trouble with my parents even though I was “the good kid” (who I was constantly walking on eggshells around). I also stashed my snacks and favorite toys around my room bc my brother (who is on the spectrum) was constantly trying to find them and eat/steal them. And most of the time, if I tried being nice and shared a toy or game with him, he would wind up breaking it somehow. So, I hid stuff to preserve it for longer. Which just made him ransack my room all the more. I have issues with coveting my favorite things now bc nothing was sacred.
#44
My parents, I love them to death, they were great parents, but they argued ALOT. Like bad. I’m surprised it never got violent between the two of them. I learned from an early age that I could make a roaring sound in my ears. Didn’t realize until last year(I’m 34), that not everybody can do that. But I learned to make the roaring noise to block out all of the arguing and fighting going on between my mom and dad.
Cleo Bean 3 years ago
OMG, I did this too!!! It sounds a little like you're underwater, and I think it's a way of putting up a mental blockade, to distance yourself from the trauma that could occur if you had been able to listen.
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
is it like kind of clenching a spot by your ears and blowing
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RandomFrog 3 years ago
I did the roaring sound too, but only when I’m trying to space out/don’t want to pay attention to smth not becuase if my parents
Mazer 3 years ago
I knew someone who declared to everyone new she met that she hated hearing arguments, when she was young, her father would have guests over and they loved to debate, sometimes passionate debates can sound like arguing. So my friend would say she hated to argue but would always start arguments. So fascinating
#45
Hiding in the closet.
Felicia Gardner 3 years ago
I still did this as an adult whenever I started to have a panic attack. Years of therapy and I have not had one in a while and I have not hidden in the closet.
#46
I have PTSD, and I never hid in the closet, but something I think is similar is that I would never go to school without wearing long pants and a hoodie, even though I live in a very humid area that gets up to 100F during parts of the year.
The hoodie always made me feel safe like nothing outside could get to me. One time, I couldn’t find my hoodie, and I was freaking out and breaking down. I felt ashamed to go to school without a hoodie, and that it wasn’t safe.
rhubarb 3 years ago
I have mild PTSD/trauma from being injured on an oven when I was little. It took me two years to finally be able to use an oven, and I still can't say the word 'burned' out loud. My sibling knows this and jokes around with the hot coils of the oven, and makes fun of me when I have a panic attack from it.
Rage of Aquarius 3 years ago
I did the same in middle school. At one point it got up to 80ºF, and we were in the field. I. ended up with over fifteen ticks on my giant black hoodie. I was so hot and so sure I wouldn't be able to take it off, I wore nothing underneath. That was the last day of that.
#47
Assume anytime someone in a position of authority wants to talk to me, it's bad news and I've done something wrong (even if I can't remember doing anything potentially bad).
Desiree McKinnon 3 years ago
I think most people tend to do that. "The boss wants to talk to you." "OH crap, what have I done now?" It's normal.
Andrei Marentette 3 years ago
SAME!! Although for me, I constantly do bad stuff, so it's a bit of the opposite
#48
I recently learned about attachment theory and it makes complete sense as to how some children grow up the way they do. My attachment style is avoidant. Those with an avoidant attachment styles are typically people who have never received proper love or care from their parent. Children with avoidant attachment styles start to disregard their own internal struggles and feelings in order to maintain that peace and keep their parents close by. Growing up as a child, I never received that proper love or care from my parents. I did, however, receive that love and care from those who took me in, but the trauma has already been done. I unconsciously grew up to have this attachment style and started to bottle up my emotions and feelings.
I always distanced myself from issues that arose, took criticism as an attack on my ego, never went out of my way to get help to talk about my feelings, and I even had reactive/controlling behavior. I didn’t realize how damaged I was/am, and how I started treating my significant other as well as my friends and family.
I assumed that since I no longer had that feeling of wanting or needing my mother close by that I just had moved on and forgot about it. In reality, I never fully healed from the childhood trauma. In place of that pain was anger/resentment towards my mother which ended up numbing it.
Now that I am fully aware of my attachment style, I am fully motivated to be a better person for myself and those around me. I will learn to stop bottling up my emotions, stop perceiving all criticism as an attack on my ego, and most importantly, fix my reactive/controlling behavior. I will fully heal and recoup from this trauma in time.
User# 6 3 years ago
Wow. I've just looked it up on wikipedia. The Dismissive-avoidant style bit could have been written about me.
Terry Tobias 3 years ago
I was involved in a research project on attachment theory when I was working for my B.A. in Psychology. We interviewed students and coded their responses for the doctoral candidate who was running the study. As someone with a mental illness, who also experienced emotional and mental abuse growing up, it was interesting and eye-opening. To this day I can tell a person's attachment style from their behavior.
#49
"Comfort" items, I currently sleep with a tie fleece blanket, comforter, 27lb weighted blanket folded over twice, and five throw blankets, doesn't matter the temperature, they're all on me every night. I have 5 stuffed animals on my nightstand just in case I need them. Hug your kids folks.
Joybug 3 years ago
I'd say its normal because I do it, but, looking back on how many of the things on this list I constantly do...
Load More Replies... #50
Holding my breath when I cry When I was a kid I would get smacked if I made any noise when crying, and the only way I could stop making noise was to not breathe. I have to focus on breathing when I get upset, and now I get headaches when I cry (I also subconsciously tense the roof of my mouth) Idk when I realized it wasn’t normal but for the longest time I thought crying caused headaches.
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
Wait, crying doesn't cause headaches? IT....IS MY WHOLE LIFE A LIE?!
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
I do this, just so I won't be a burden on my Mom
Load More Replies... Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
this i the same for me, but my parents aren't abusive. My brother makes fun if me and my parents mock me
#51
This is the biggest one for me. If someone is upset and talks for a long period of time, the room literally starts to go black from the outside moving inwards and sounds move far away to where I have to make a conscious effort to snap the hell out of it and be present. It feels so much more physical than mental.
BasedWang12 3 years ago
yeah..... yeah this used to happen to me... Wonder if it stemmed from ADD
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
Mine goes white and I feel like it's a dream, like I'm watching it on a screen.
#52
Escaping into my head. I don't do it much anymore, but as a kid and teen I lived there. I can also walk into a room and sense immediately if something is about to go down, and spot dodgy people on the street from a block away. my wife on the other hand is completely oblivious
Dave van Es 3 years ago
I always thought that was normal. Same as always knowing where the exits are, and who not to ask for help when you need it
Joybug 3 years ago
So did I. subconsciously knowing where the exit is, a lot of what's on this list.
Load More Replies... BasedWang12 3 years ago
you should ALWAYS know your surroundings and pay attention to the people.. If driving ALWAYS leave enough room to get out from the cars around you even if you have to run over a potential robber. When driving a raised vehicle and at a red light ALWAYS make sure you can also see the ground in your mirrors so no one can crawl, pop up and surprise you. My friend woulda lost an Escalade if they didnt have their pistol already pointed at the wanna be robber
#53
Constantly daydreaming about a better life that I actually didn’t have the ability to attain.
Andrei Marentette 3 years ago
Hmm. I have some ideas but I can't say them or else BP will suspend me
#54
I just start walking with no destination for hours. 6 hours is kind of normal but it takes something big to get me to do those long walks.
Gremlan jonnson 3 years ago
Oh I've done this since I was little, just aimlessly walking around for hours to get away from home
HarriMissesScotland 3 years ago
I went to the beach with a friend and went for a short walk. 6 hours later I realized I needed to go back. That also happens to me in the Scottish Highlands. But I am at peace then.
#55
Mine was food hoarding. I'd sneak food and water into my room for when I had none. I only realized this year that most people don't have stashes of food hidden around the place.
Katie Lutesinger 3 years ago
I've read about how people who foster abused children have to look out for this sort of behavior if the abuse included the withholding of food, so they can help the kid to un-learn it.
Artoonist Corine 3 years ago
This is 100% true. Our foster girls (11 & 7) who we adopted within a year were like this. Our fix was to always take the girls grocery shopping with us and they helped put the food away. Any time we had a reason we would open the cabinets to have the girls pick something for the next meal. It took some time, but it got better. Finally all that we found stashed was Easter, Christmas or Halloween candy. LOL
Load More Replies... Rage of Aquarius 3 years ago
I wasn't abused, but my eating is scheduled in a way that I can't adhere to, so I stash food so I can eat when I'm hungry instead of when my mother decides is appropriate.
#56
For the same reason, I’m scary good at lying…to the point I will halfway believe the lie myself. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, but it is useful at times…
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago (edited)
This is scary when you start doubting the truth to the point you're an awful truth teller. My mom never believes anything I say, even if it's obviously right and common knowledge. It's like she got it in her head early on to never believe anything I say, and never agree with me. I would plead, beg, whine, push and push the truth. She would always be "Yeah right. You just think you're so smart." I could tell her a lie or a half-truth about the same topic and all of a sudden she repeats the same thing I told her earlier that was right. But that wasn't always the case. Sometimes I was so sure of the things I learned at school or on my own and she would challenge me, tell me I'm wrong. It's a severe gaslighting mindfuck. It was less stressful to say something I knew was wrong and be told is wrong, than say a truth and be told is wrong.
#57
I feel like I am extremely aware of others emotions or at least more than other people.
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
same, but only with crushes. I'm like "omg, when did you guys start dating" because they are both totally crushing on each other
#58
I internalized the feeling that physical affection between parents and children was weird. My parents were great people but we learned early they weren't touchy, huggy people. Then we'd visit my grandmother and be held in place for a hug and kiss that was a 180 from the no-touch zone at home. Now when I see parents holding hands with their kids and hugging and giving cheek kisses I feel like it's weird and gross. My sibling and I CANNOT hug each other. It doesn't take very many times of your parent being annoyed that you want a hug to learn families don't touch each other.
Chinmayee Kalghatgi 3 years ago
I used to like hugs but the moment i turned into a teen for some reason I stopped any form of physical contact and affection
Agent 8433599 3 years ago (edited)
I love hugs, but when I turned 13, my Mom started giving me barely hugs. 😞
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Izzy Curer 3 years ago (edited)
I don't like to be held in place, but I don't know if that's a coping mechanism or if it's just a normal reaction. I don't know what it would have been a coping mechanism from. My family had no problem with affection, and I don't either.
Cherish Life 3 years ago
My 5 year old is on the spectrum. He lives giving and receiving affection but freaks out if held in place. My husband is a very clingy type, who often struggles to respect personal space, and often sends my son into fight and flight due to his over smothering.
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#59
Dissociation and maladaptive daydreaming (I just learned that's an actual thing with a name).
#60
This resonates. My parents always had a roof over our heads and food "on the table" (we never ate at the table, if we even had one), but that's about it. No going to our extracurriculars, missing so many of our school functions and events. Homework was "do you have homework" which an unmotivated 12 year old is going to say no to every time. Bedtime routine was "alright time for bed, go lay down and turn off the light". Morning routine was either "Get your a*s up and get dressed, go to school", or "y'all missed the bus? Well I'll take y'all when I have to go to work, I don't have to be up early so I won't", or "I don't have to work today so I guess you're not going to school". Summers were wake up whenever, eat whenever, go entertain yourselves, go to bed whenever. And I did the same thing, getting so engrossed in a good book that now you're having to make a conscious decision not to start acting like your favorite character in public, way passed the age when that's acceptable and cute. As an adult, I struggled for a long time forming any sort of routine in my life. Every time I tried it would just fall apart. I needed routines, I craved them, but I just couldn't stick to any of the ones I tried to do. it wasn't until this past August when my son started school, because I did not want him growing up like I did. Now I have a reasonable routine, we all go to bed the same time each night, if I wake up late then I still get my son to school and walk him to the office. I keep in contact with his teacher so we know when and what homework is to be done and make sure he does it. He's in Little League and I haven't missed a single practice. My parents ruined my childhood and my first years as an adult, and what they did will still be there for the rest of my life. But day by day I'm improving, and I'm proud of that.
Nkotanyi 3 years ago
Hey! As a person who has parents who hovered around so much, I developed a kind of behavior where I want to be good every time and get s**t scared if even one small thing goes wrong and is afraid of my parents even when its not necessary ( I'm sure it wasn't their intension) . Maybe you can still have control but being around all the time especially in school can create the opposite effect you are desiring. Give them some independence it will help them to also need you and feel at ease with you.
Anne Van Staden 3 years ago
How are some people even allowed to procreate???????!!!!!!! This pisses me off. I grew up in a destructive family, I know people who can't have kids but would make the world's greatest parents. All these parents have issues that they pass onto their kids. So sad
BasedWang12 3 years ago
I had great parents, but I feel the loss of structure with this one. my days were most comfortable going to bed at 7am and waking up for work at 2pm. and I still cant get a solid schedule going
#61
One of the neighbours kids constantly lies... Well sort of I started doing some behind the scenes groundwork and figured out she tells compounded White lies that unravel on her constantly. I'm assuming completely because lying is her life raft. Many people have written her off as a pathological liar. Anyway, she moved out of home (16) and now doesn't have bags under her eyes and she actually looks like she has a healthy amount of muscle/fat, whereas before she was stick thin. Her mom makes out that she's not doing that well out of home but she seems happier and has more constructive conversations. Idk about you but something's up when ya kid ditches you that young.
3 years ago
I wish I could have left home at 16...I had to go 2 more years before I even had the chance. (I'm moving on my b-day, which is * very* soon. I cannot wait)
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago
Yup, 100%. I moved out at 16. Teenagers don't have the ability top jump ship if there's not something wrong
#62
Yeah the hypervigilance- my partner doesn’t have this. He was walking home from training one night, headphones on and (he’s quite tall and muscular so not exactly the guy who you’d choose to mug if you had much going on between your ears so while he might look like a guy you wouldn’t want to fight, the last thing this man would do in that situation is fight actually, he’d be more likely to either hand everything over or run). Anyway these two guys on bikes approached him (he said they looked like teens so he didn’t pay much attention) and kept saying something to him but with the headphones on and tiredness he didn’t quite click why they were telling him to stay still. One of them grabbed his arm and he just shrugged him off and kept walking. Probably looked like a total bada*s. But five seconds later he realised they’d been trying to mug him and almost threw up with nerves. He just hadn’t processed it at the time! While it’s a funny story that he just shrugged off two muggers and kept walking had it been me, I’d have seen them a block away and switched streets. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen them coming. It simply just did not occur to him whatsoever. Although adorable, it also completely baffles me!
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
imagine tryna mug someone but they just are like "no thankyou, i'm busy"
Felicia Gardner 3 years ago
Right! I would be already putting keys in between my knuckles just in case even if everything looked safe.
AB Positive 3 years ago
Er, don't actually do this - you're more likely to injure yourself with how the force of a punch works than to hurt the person you're defending against - a regular punch will do more damage regardless of your strength and hurt your hand less making it less distracting to get away if desired.
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#63
The sad realization that as years go by, your daydreams from the kid you become more and more ridiculous. "When I'm older, I'll invent something really cool so I will have a megacompany and will never have to work again!" Older me: Yeah, working at mcdonalds doesn't seem that bad.
#64
Rejecting others before they reject me. Turns out most people aren't so bad, and the ones that aren't for me just aren't for me.
#65
Not sure if this is a coping mechanism exactly but I used to hit my head against the wall to give myself pain to punish myself for mistakes I made. I felt I needed to do so to atone and move forward or something. It probably wasn't the brightest idea, now I'm low-key scared I could have or did give myself brain damage with how frequently I used to do it.
similarly 3 years ago
Cutting, especially shallow cuts to the wrists, are perhaps the most well-known form of self-harm, but certainly not the only one. I used to know a guy who'd burn his arm with a lighter, just like a bad habit. I had two periods in my life where I did compulsive self-harm. One was repeatedly slapping my face (to the point of causing swelling), or punching my stomach repeatedly until I had really awful bruises. It can be really hard to break the self-harm habit.
HannEli 3 years ago
I would hit my thighs hard with my fists when I thought I screwed up on something... which was often. I don't do it anymore... I hope we all can heal.
John Montgomery 3 years ago
I was the same way. I still sometimes feel like I need to do it if I get frustrated at how something I've done is going. My late wife helped me with it a little since she obviously didn't like it. Sometimes I can still think of her and not do it.
Load More Replies... LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
Biting and smacking my head real hard. I do this more frequently during work, now.
BasedWang12 3 years ago
I used to do this in kindergarten.... Turned into slapping myself... kneeing myself in the head, punching myself in the legs until it bruised or hurt to walk, punch myself in the face (almost KOd a few times.... one time Im pretty sure concussed, but very slight and wouldnt do anything so parents wouldnt know). some cutting, some dying blunts on my chest. STILL when I let my anger pile too much I feel I MUST hit something that hurts. Pillows won't satisfy. I need it to hurt
Cheese Dinner 3 years ago
i go in the basement put, my hands on the floor so it doesn't make a sound, and hit my hands so hard, i'm surprised that i haven't broken a bone yet
#66
To this day the garage door and footsteps give me PTSD.
#67
I’m still working on not always jumping to the worst conclusion. I’m getting better at recognizing that I’m doing it at least, but still working on it every day.
Pittsburgh rare 3 years ago
Holy cow, this is me. I also work on that. It makes life more difficult than it is
Joybug 3 years ago
I do it too. I'm also usually right. Doesn't make it easier to break the habit.
Load More Replies... #68
I developed a reflex where I apologize and ask if they are angry at me. I have a hard time telling how people are feeling unless they tell me. Apparently that just ended up with me being the sorryest sack of crap they'd ever seen.
#69
I can too. It's...scary sometimes honestly how easily I can go from "you're the best" to "f**k you for eternity".
#70
Hiding from my mom because I was scared to talk to her at age 20... nor normal to be scared of your mom let alone at age 20. She was so mentally abusive my whole life and it caused so much trauma to me. Still not over it.
John Montgomery 3 years ago
I was told by my dad "if you get in trouble at school you'll get in trouble at home". Trouble from him meant he'd be angry, and I'd get a paddling. He even had a paddle. More or lees a two by four with a handle on it and rounded perhaps like a cricket bat. Anyway, I only got in trouble once or twice in school, but you can bet I didn't tell either parent until years if not decades later.
#71
It's called trichotillomania and it's a body-focused repetitive behavior. I do it, too. It used to be classified as an impulse control disorder, but now it's considered an obsessive compulsive-related disorder.
Chinmayee Kalghatgi 3 years ago
I think i might have it since i always pinch my eyebrows and lashes
in.love.with.taylor.swift 3 years ago
i’ve struggled with that for a while now and it’s so stigmatized and hard to share
#72
Listening closely to what's going on in my apartment or the people I know around me to hear if anyone is upset or talking about me or yelling or fighting.
#73
Minimizing. “Oh we don’t have food. Oh well, at least I can play this game!” “Oh, we don’t have power… i guess I’ll take the dogs for a walk or go to the library to charge my laptop!” “Oh we don’t have heat? I’ll just bundle up, not a problem!” My therapist told me this probably saved my life, cause if I realized just how bad things were, I might’ve tried to kill myself.
Anyone-for-tea? 3 years ago
Erm, I’d get a new therapist. This sounds highly inappropriate for them to say.
LagoonaBlueColleen 3 years ago
Unless the therapist just said the first part and the OP added in their own thoughts on that after.
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#74
Disassossiation and memory loss. So much I don’t remember because I checked out.
Rosey Red 3 years ago
I used this also. I became so good at disassociation that I could meditate at a very young age. It almost felt like I was another person watching myself. My parents really messed me up in several ways. It took much self harm and loosing my mind before I realized, I'm lucky, I survived. I had to completely cut contact, which brings some guilt also, but finally I'm happy and trying to be a better person than them. I will never understand how people can be so cruel and demented towards their own child.
#75
Similarly, I tend to get stuck wherever I am. I convince myself I'm "content" with the way things are even if I'm unhappy. Even if I express that I'm unhappy I'll still fall back and go "well it's not that bad."
#76
I always described it as living "in here", in my head, as opposed to being physically present. Like I'm here, physically, and I'm interacting. But I'm really inside. I'm really in my head and nothing touches me in here. And bc of that, life passes me by and I watch from in here, not really feeling a part of any of it.
#77
Yes! I'm convinced that I'm incapable of screaming because I had to stay as quiet as possible growing up, and even if I really try it feels like I'm a squeaky toy without a squeaker. I never got any "practice" screaming so I just can't do it now. If something scares me I just gasp quietly.
Teresa Rutledge 3 years ago
Same, when “Trick or treating” I never could say the words, just mumble behind the cheap plastic mask that went with the costume. I never found my voice until my 40’s but I still don’t raise my voice. I don’t think I can scream.
Cherish Life 3 years ago
Yep. Me too. If I try to scream to teach myself, it sounds like a raspy and squeaky epic fail. When I'm startled I freeze like deer in headlights.
#78
Doing a lot of things at once. It was normal for me to have a movie on the TV in my room, music playing, math and English homework laid out on my desk, and a game going on the PC. I'd bounce between all of them and get things done quickly and correctly. Turns out I had pretty severe ADD which went undiagnosed till adulthood. Only got diagnosed when my coping mechanism started failing and the number of things I could focus on kept dropping. Eventually it got to where I had trouble completing work tasks due to wanting to bounce my attention but my brain just couldn't do it anymore.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
Dude your describing my experience at life. I put on a podcast and YouTube at the same time for backround, while having a fidget in my hand and doing two homework assignments open in different tabs switching between them. I have never been diagnosed but have a strong suspicion I am ADHD or smth
BasedWang12 3 years ago
yeahhhh and I still do this, and now with pancreatitis I had to cut off my Addy
#79
Apologizing when It's not even my fault or I'm not even involved also thinking everyone is angry at me just because they're quiet.
#80
Extremely relatable. I have to practice every day to be able to talk smoothly with other people. Longer more complex conversations are hard. It sucks having to talk to people you're unfamiliar with cause you have no clue what they're gonna throw at you. I suck at coming up with responses on the spot.
#81
I talk to myself constantly. I’d say I reveal less than 1% of what I’m thinking and effectively limit conversations with other people to the bare minimum but I’m in constant dialogue with myself. My roommate has caught me at it so many times he doesn’t even mention it anymore.
RandomFrog 3 years ago (edited)
I am really good at doing different accents, and I do different accents when I talk to myself in a certain mood. If I’m angry at a school assignment, it’s British. If I’m mad at myself it’s ussually Australian. If I am narrating something/repeating something it’s Swedish and so onIt’s weird but I talk to myself so much in different accents.
Joybug 3 years ago
Accents, voices, all of it. And its usually capable of becoming a full-blown argument with myself.
Load More Replies... Payton 3 years ago
I talk aloud to myself when I'm by myself. I won't have full on conversations back and forth. More like I'm talking about a topic and my opinions aloud almost as if I'm recording a video on it or something. I find it fun since I know that a lot of people wouldn't care about the topics that I wanna talk about or the shows that I watch. So instead I talk aloud to myself about it in order to get the urge to talk about it out of my system. I probably spend more time talking aloud to myself than anyone else. I still do it.
#82
A very good friend of mine is like this. He is the deepest sleeper because he grew up drowning out the sounds of parents fighting.
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
I'm a really light sleeper because I had to stay on my toes at all times. Bedroom door closed, weighted blanket over just my torso so I could get out quickly. The house was absolutely quiet at night, so I just....didn't ever fall asleep. There were bags under my eyes starting age 10.
#83
Staying up to 4am just to avoid trauma and have room and space and time to breathe without narcissistic abuse. Edit: book that helped me with a general context of my childhood. "ADULT Children of emotionally immature parents."
#84
Food behaviours in general. Took me forever to see this as a product of the abuse. My dad would serve my sister and I adult portions of food and it very often ended with us crying trying to finish remaining portion. We were always told no dessert if we didn't finish so dessert became the reward for pushing past the discomfort from eating too much. He did this with food we didn't like too. We would remind him we didn't like this food or that and he always acted surprised and usually forced us to eat it anyway. Keep in mind we never EVER had foods he didn't like in the house. Fast forward 20ish years and I'm still unpacking that. Quite literally two days ago I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating a lovely meal cooked by my fiancé. I'm starting to lose my appetite and my stomach is uncomfortable. It took me way too long to register that that means IM FULL. Plus he is NOT my dad and I'm not going to get screamed at or guilted for not finishing it. It went in a leftovers container for the next day with nothing other than a conversation about how messed up my dad was. Another day my fiancé was talking about dinner and it took me way to long to be comfortable telling him I wasn't really hungry for dinner right then, that he was free to make himself something and I'd make myself something when I'm hungry. He said "OK my love" and that was that. No yelling. No screaming, no crying. The world didn't end. It continued on with love, compassion and understanding.
JJ 3 years ago
I know this, too, and I feel the pressure to finish food or even eat food that I don't like (like trying something new, it's awful, but still it was bought and has to be finished). Apart from being conscious about it, two things helped me: 1) I am an adult and am allowed have dessert or sweets before the main dish. 2) Food doesn't need to go through my stomach to be "thrown" away (in case of dislike or it can't be used as a leftover the other day). 1) was the real game changer.
John Montgomery 3 years ago
I'm glad you have a good fiancé. It's amazing how actual love can help someone.
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
I'm never hungry. Literally NEVER. I do martial arts, but I never need food. I can eat dinner and be full for the next day. My mother doesn't believe it and didn't until I barfed all over her new dress after eating 3 solid meals.
#85
Wow. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. As a teenager I would be able to daydream so hard, like 'inception' in class I could watch the teacher moving around and appear to be paying attention. I realised it was not healthy or normal, after a couple of teachers tried to snap me out of it, I must have just sat there with the same dumb look on my face. I hadn't heard a word he had said, even though he was right in front of me. I was worlds away. He was spooked. I grew up with emotional abuse and neglect.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
I did this sometimes, but only in gym class. There was this game we would play kinda like basketball but I HATED it so I would stand far enough away that the ball wouldn’t be thrown to me, and I would subconsciously follow wherever the ball was going while being lost in my mind
#86
I may not be as bad as you are saying but I almost always procrastinate everything and always put myself in a lot of stress which I usually can get through but when I do fail or the stress gets to me I completely hate myself. And I mean hate. I just have notes in my phone from when this happens and it’s not good to end up in that state of mind.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
Dude I have gotten honour roll two terms in a row and I was .06 away from making in third term and I beat myself up so much. I mean I mutter to myself about how stupid I am and how I’m not worth it and I hate that i do that it’s just so much pressure. (For some reason I don’t do this in math cuz I’m good having a B in that…. Probs cuz it’s the only subject I hate)
#87
Eyebrows and eyelashes here. Reading through all of these responses makes me realize how messed up I really am. Your response makes me realize that I do it out of nervousness.
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
I'm also realizing that I probably have a mental disorder or something
#88
People pleasing.
Agent 8433599 3 years ago
My Mom is a HUGE people pleaser. Even though it makes her miserable.
#89
I’d pull out my eyelashes.
NsG 3 years ago
I pick at the skin on my face. Like when people squeeze spots? But I don't have a spot there, I'll just pick until it bleeds, so it looks like I have acne blemishes, but I don't.
Ruth Kilpatrick 3 years ago
My doctor has a note in my records that I have a face picking habit. I don't even realize I'm doing it.
Load More Replies... #90
I thought I was the only one who did this. Also daydreaming about people who treated me bad suffering and I overcome in some amazing or grandiose way.
Joybug 3 years ago
Same. Is it weird to dream about disembowling you parents?
Load More Replies... RandomFrog 3 years ago
Yeah I always daydream about beating up people who did me wrong.(not just like cutting in line, but disrespecting my pronouns and telling all my friends not to talk to me)Dunnno if that’s healthy or not but…
#91
I have this constant disassociation where I'm constantly not paying much attention, I'm just coasting (if that makes sense). Then on rarity my brain goes "hey, you're a living breathing mammal" and all my senses come into focus and I can overwhelmingly, feel and hear, and see s**t. And just at quick as it came, that feeling is gone again and I go back into autopilot mode.
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago
Therapy. This is what the beginning of my 3 year nervous breakdown looked like. If you're having these "break through" emotions please seek out help.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
I don’t understand what the OP is saying could someone describe it to me in a different way or give me the name of it so I can google it? Thanks
#92
The hardest part for me with this attachment style has been accepting other people’s emotions. I’m so used to pushing mine away as a survival tactic that when others can’t, or don’t, internally I just want to cut them off and never speak to them again. It’s so weird. I’ve been working on it since i found out and therapy has helped me a ton!
#93
Making a joke about or laughing at unacceptable behavior as a means of trivializing rather than confronting the behavior.
#94
I have a cycle of body tics. There’s the incessant finger skin biting. When my father would slap my hands or face to get me to stop, I’d bite off the skin inside my mouth. When he caught me or i tried really hard to stop, I’d unconsciously start pinching myself until I had permanent scars from repeated skin trauma.
BasedWang12 3 years ago
My fingers are a disaster and I have to big clumps on each side of my mouth. Big bulbs of bunched dead nerves from 20+ years of biting... hard to whistle now
michelle sleeper 3 years ago
What is this called, I’ve always done it. It makes me feel like I exist, I can feel.
#95
I do this too and I don’t really know why… People comment on it all the time but I don’t really know how to stop doing it. As soon as I start eating it’s like a black out or something and I don’t come back to reality until the food is gone…
Pumpkin Spice 3 years ago
Most likely, your parents fought at the dinner table. Classical conditioning. Dinner table=parents fighting=black out. Eventually, dinner table=black out
#96
Binge eating. my mom is a chef and so is my brother so the food was always good but then living on my own i found myself making meals for 2-3 people but eating it all, then snacks.. i think it was also the “you have to finish your plate” deal too.
Andrei Marentette 3 years ago
The you have to eat everything is the worst thing. LET PEOPLE EAT WHAT THEY CAN HANDLE
RandomFrog 3 years ago (edited)
Yeah I totally agree! It reminds me of a thing my mom does: my sister is so picky she starves herself (to the point of barfing and being so weak)so my mom has told her ,instead of finishing her plate she has to take (1-4, depending on serving size) bites of everything on her plate
Load More Replies... #97
Grandma is a hoarder. I only have 1 pot, 1 pan, and 1 set of silverware. I throw out food that’s still good. I keep a minimalist wardrobe. I have a hard time buying things for myself. I also have a hard time “tidying up” because my brain doesn’t compute that things belong their a “place”.
Kimi Tomminello 3 years ago
I completely understand this. I have a mini "nest" near my bed with crafting stuff in bins and my brain tells me that's what keeps me safe. Hoping someday I'll progress far enough in therapy to give this habit up but for now I have to let my brain feel comfortable.
whodunnitfan2013 3 years ago (edited)
This can sometimes be the other way around. My narcissistic parents would throw away my personal belongings to punish me, so now, I have a hard time letting go of things.
#98
I have CPTSD and the closet, or a smaller enclosed space, is just so comforting. When I'm home and I'm talking on the phone, I sit in the closet to do it even though I don't have to and I'm safe.
Andrei Marentette 3 years ago
I mean, you are safe, but if some idiot decided to tip the closet...
CelticElff 3 years ago
In the US, closets are generally built into the room and aren't stand-alone furniture (like an armoire). So if this is in the US, you *can't* tip the closet without tipping the entire house.
Load More Replies... #99
This is so relatable to me. I’ve always done this for one reason or another. Now a days I work extremely long shifts and find myself placing myself out of my body as much as possible. My home life has gotten bad so I’ve been doing it at home recently too. I feel like the problem with this is i’ve slowly normalized not living my own life to the point where I can work like a robot for 14 hours a day and it doesn’t affect me at all, but I’m never really happy.
RandomFrog 3 years ago
When I was severely depressed I imagined what life would be like when things got better and I lived in my pretend future. And I do it now, being a closeted trans boy I imagine how life will be like; like being able to walk around without a shirt cuz hopefully I’ll get top surgery, and growing a beard, and having muscles.
DC 3 years ago
... it will catch up to you, knock you out, out of seemingly nowhere, and it will be hard and cold and cruel - and whatever makes your home so miserable, that thing will not help in any way. I'd even consider getting some spare time by using Flora and Pharma to some extent, but, sure, that won't do indefinitely either, and maybe add more damage (depends on many things).
What do you think ?
Beth S 3 years ago (edited)
I have been in and out of therapy for a long list of things that I do not want to go into right now. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to compete with others in this thread. However during times that I cannot afford therapy I use some channels on YouTube that offer me some tools to better my mental health. Therapy In A Nutshell is a good resource. There are many others depending on what you struggle with. Good luck everyone
Izzy Curer 3 years ago (edited)
I was 30 when I finally learned that screaming at unexpected noises, or unexpected people behind you, or even jolts during car rides when you're not the one driving, is a symptom of cptsd. Unfortunately, most people either laugh or get angry. Very few people are understanding. It's also definitely not something most people do
Rose the Cook 3 years ago
So many abusive parents ruining their children's lives. I spent much of my life trying to anticipate what I was likely to get beaten for having done or not done. My parents then my first husband and his extended family were extremely abusive. Even today when it is no longer necessary I go out of my way to avoid upsetting anyone.
JLN 3 years ago
I related to way too many of the comments. I've always felt alone with how I felt and dealt with things, but to see others see and do things the way I do is both reassuring and makes me sad. All the trauma I've gone through has greatly effected me and I hate that it has happened to other people too
Oddly Me 3 years ago
Yet it also feels kinda comforting being around people so relatable.
Load More Replies... similarly 3 years ago
I realized a few years ago that the reason I'm so obsessed with following rules, and the reason I get such bad anxiety whenever anybody else isn't following the rules, is that I grew up in a house where, if somebody disobeyed the rules, everybody got yelled at, everybody got punished, and it just went on until the authority figure ran out of steam. I've also found that I have severe social anxiety and attachment issues because of moving around so much as a kid (I lived in 8 towns by the time I was 10), and the fact my parent didn't want me to associate with other kids: kids couldn't come to our house, and we couldn't go to theirs.
Just saying 3 years ago
I hate being late as I was yelled at if I was late.
Load More Replies... 
H Margerison 3 years ago
Only last week (I'm 31 btw) did I realise that I'm terrified of failing and therefore put way too much pressure on everything I do to be perfect. The only time I got attention from my mum was at the end of term if I had good grades (and I'm talking top scores in the class good). No good? No attention. The ultimate praise was the rare occasion my mum told my dad about a grade and I got a grunt of approval from him too. Grades = love = self worth. Literally took a whole decade out of formalised education to realise I'm worth my kindness, my creativity, my determination, sense of humour, love of cooking for people, loyalty, everything! Anything other than busting my a$$ every waking hour hoping I'd achieve enough to deserve other people's love.
Hannah Edwards 3 years ago
Thinking that everything bad that happens is my fault in some way, even if that way is convoluted and obscure. Just assume the worst.
Beth S 3 years ago (edited)
I have been in and out of therapy for a long list of things that I do not want to go into right now. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to compete with others in this thread. However during times that I cannot afford therapy I use some channels on YouTube that offer me some tools to better my mental health. Therapy In A Nutshell is a good resource. There are many others depending on what you struggle with. Good luck everyone
Izzy Curer 3 years ago (edited)
I was 30 when I finally learned that screaming at unexpected noises, or unexpected people behind you, or even jolts during car rides when you're not the one driving, is a symptom of cptsd. Unfortunately, most people either laugh or get angry. Very few people are understanding. It's also definitely not something most people do
Rose the Cook 3 years ago
So many abusive parents ruining their children's lives. I spent much of my life trying to anticipate what I was likely to get beaten for having done or not done. My parents then my first husband and his extended family were extremely abusive. Even today when it is no longer necessary I go out of my way to avoid upsetting anyone.
JLN 3 years ago
I related to way too many of the comments. I've always felt alone with how I felt and dealt with things, but to see others see and do things the way I do is both reassuring and makes me sad. All the trauma I've gone through has greatly effected me and I hate that it has happened to other people too
Oddly Me 3 years ago
Yet it also feels kinda comforting being around people so relatable.
Load More Replies... similarly 3 years ago
I realized a few years ago that the reason I'm so obsessed with following rules, and the reason I get such bad anxiety whenever anybody else isn't following the rules, is that I grew up in a house where, if somebody disobeyed the rules, everybody got yelled at, everybody got punished, and it just went on until the authority figure ran out of steam. I've also found that I have severe social anxiety and attachment issues because of moving around so much as a kid (I lived in 8 towns by the time I was 10), and the fact my parent didn't want me to associate with other kids: kids couldn't come to our house, and we couldn't go to theirs.
Just saying 3 years ago
I hate being late as I was yelled at if I was late.
Load More Replies... H Margerison 3 years ago
Only last week (I'm 31 btw) did I realise that I'm terrified of failing and therefore put way too much pressure on everything I do to be perfect. The only time I got attention from my mum was at the end of term if I had good grades (and I'm talking top scores in the class good). No good? No attention. The ultimate praise was the rare occasion my mum told my dad about a grade and I got a grunt of approval from him too. Grades = love = self worth. Literally took a whole decade out of formalised education to realise I'm worth my kindness, my creativity, my determination, sense of humour, love of cooking for people, loyalty, everything! Anything other than busting my a$$ every waking hour hoping I'd achieve enough to deserve other people's love.
Hannah Edwards 3 years ago
Thinking that everything bad that happens is my fault in some way, even if that way is convoluted and obscure. Just assume the worst.
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