Uninvolved Dad Belittles Teen’s Sporting Achievements During A Family Gathering, Mom Takes None Of It And Calls Him A ‘Deadbeat’
Parenthood is a beautiful thing – but it’s not for everyone. Some establish this pretty early in life, while others, frankly, discover it way too late.
The star of today’s article is a mother of a 14-year-old teen. She divorced her ex when their daughter was only four, and while the man did make an effort to be a good father for the first couple of years – eventually, it all went downhill.
More info: Reddit
Uninvolved dad arrives late to a family gathering and belittles daughter’s sporting achievements
Image credits: PodPros (not the actual image)
The 14-year-old bursts into tears and demands that she and her mom go home – however, her mom tells her to wait in the car
Image credits: Julia M Cameron (not the actual image)
Image credits: Oleksandr Pidvalnyi (not the actual image)
image source: u/throra2762
“AITA for calling my ex a deadbeat in front of his family?” – this internet user took to one of Reddit’s most honorable communities, asking its members if she’s indeed wrong for lashing out at her uninvolved ex who made their teen daughter cry. The post managed to garner nearly 14K upvotes as well as 1.4K comments discussing the situation.
Did you know that according to a 2019 piece from The Census Bureau – which is a principal agency of the U.S. Federal Statistical System responsible for producing data about the American people and economy – 20.2% of men (about 7 million) are “absent” dads of all of their minor children?
It’s no big news that parenthood isn’t easy; it’s a tremendously gratifying experience, but no matter what you do or how you do it, sometimes it brings more exhaustion than joy – yet, more often than not, said exhaustion tends to stem from the lack of support that some parents get rather than the demands of child care per se!
Chances are, the “deadbeat dad” phenomenon is something that you’ve all heard about, but in case you’re unfamiliar, the terminology originally referred to fathers who evaded court-ordered child support obligations or custody arrangements – but, nowadays, it is used rather openly to simply describe men who neglect their responsibilities as parents.
Some common traits are: not having a relationship with their children; using them as weapons; not knowing any vital details, like birthdays, for instance; having lots of free time but still not finding any to connect; and the baseless slander of their exes – the list is never-ending, really, and depends on the individual, but you know what they say, you’ll recognize a deadbeat when you see one.
The woman then calls her ex a “deadbeat” and says that she wouldn’t be surprised if the teen cut him loose one day
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual image)
Now, it’s normal for things to go a little haywire when a couple with kids decides to separate. Co-parenting is a tough egg to crack, but ditching all your responsibilities when you have a whole human to take care of is a total jerk move, to say the very least.
Sadly, the original poster, u/throra2762, knows exactly what it’s like. “Brian,” the dad in question, was very involved in their kid’s life for the first couple of years after the divorce – however, he lost interest pretty quickly. The man stopped coming to parent-teacher evenings, his daughter’s sports games, refused to pay child support (what a shocker, I know), would forget to pick her up on allotted days, etc.
At first, he tried to win his offspring over and buy her extravagant gifts to somehow make amends, but it stopped working as “Sam” began to see her dad’s true colors.
The one thing the author’s daughter got out of her relationship with her father, though, is her close connection to his parents, which brings us to the initial story.
The grandparents decided to take her and the rest of the family out to celebrate the teen’s field hockey achievements – yet the dad was almost an hour late. Not only did he not apologize, but he also belittled his child’s sports achievements, specifically noting how she “only” scored one goal.
Needless to say, the nasty remark left her in tears, and she demanded they go home. The OP agreed and told the 14-year-old to wait in the car while she got their stuff, but she couldn’t let it go and lashed out.
The woman called him a “deadbeat” and recounted all of the things he did or perhaps didn’t do. She said that she wouldn’t be surprised if their daughter decided to cut him loose one day. The father tried to defend himself – but quickly grew livid and eventually stormed out.
His parents were shocked by the statements as it seemed they were under the impression that he was a good dad – however, they still scolded the woman for causing a scene at the restaurant.
Many, if not all, Redditors sided with the post’s creator and praised her daughter’s field hockey achievements. Others strongly encouraged the woman to take it to court and claim the backdated child support – however, the woman revealed that since she has a well-paying job, she plans to familiarize her daughter with the situation before she turns 18 so that she can claim the payments that will then be paid directly to her for her to use as she wishes.
What do you think about this situation? Do you think the author did everything right, or would you have done things differently?
Fellow online community members shared their thoughts and opinions on the matter
Even if the kid can file a claim (I dont know the laws in whatever country they live), that's a pretty crappy decision you're forcing your daughter to make. You are passing your responsibility onto her, and the emotional toll that could come with it. Sure, *maybe* it will be cathartic for her and be a net positive... but there is also a significant chance it will leave her with guilt/anxiety/stress/etc, in addition to possible retribution from her father against *her*. Those risks are YOUR burden, not your daughter's.
I was thinking the same thing. Mom should take it to court as it is happening during her childhood andnoutnthe money into a secured trustnfornher to use at a later date. My dad had plenty of money but also checked out, told em to pull up my boot straps, and would only helo me with college if I moved 8 hours north to stay with him. Aka blackmail. I refused. Needless to say on top of a bunch of other c**p ge pulled I have been no contact since 2000. His behavior only got worse. After I moved out though my mom, whonis not financiallly secure because he forced her to be a housewife didnt have any experience or higher education which wasnt unusual for the time. But, because she was an emotional wreck she chased his measely $300 alimony for decades. It would have been better for her to just drop it instead of chasing what she was entitled to as it distracted her from just getting her life together. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses. So it depends, still not fairplay towards daughter.
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1) Field hockey is just like ice hockey except it takes up an entire football field and the girls have to wear annoyingly small skirts or skorts, meaning games are single digit and getting even a single goal is amazing. Plus, she is playing against high ranked competitors. It's not abnormal for games like that to be 1-0 at the end of the match. 2) Sometimes I think jerks act like this at public places because they know they won't be called out due to no one wanted any embarrassing issues.
According to the person who chose the accompanying photos, it's exactly the same as ice hockey!
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He caused the scene when he made her cry. His parents and yours are wrong for blaming you Shame on them and him!
NTA - He is a deadbeat and almost toxic if he is verbally insulting and upsetting your daughter. DO NOT WORRY WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS. You are the bomb for looking out for your daughter. His parents should be ashamed of him and not mad at you. He is trying to deflect by focusing on your truthful outburst. He is not a good father or even a decent adult. You can have his pay or tax refunds garnished. You can have the state collect it and forward it to you - deadbeats don't get away with just not paying. If you already had a legal agreement you won't have to do quite as much work to get the money. It DOES NOT MATTER if you don't need the money. You could be saving it for your daughter's future: college, a home, a car, etc. I don't think I would leave it up to the daughter. It could be invested, prepay tuition, etc. There are children who feel "bad" having to collect child support. Don't give anyone, especially him and his parents the idea that his contribution does not matter. It does. What you make isn't the issue at this point. From now on, this is your private business - you need opinions like you need another ... well you know! GO MOM! Also, should he really be an AH and you end up in court a 14yr old is usually given a private conversation with the judge which I had. It was helpful not to talk in front of a courtroom full of adults.
My son's child support was set up to come through the state. He paid or I could put him in jail. I would of too. He knew it.
I don't think she was TA. From the parents' perspective, I think that maybe it's just because everyone who was involved with the scene left, and they were the ones sitting there. I think they may have been embarrassed, but hopefully that's more of an initial shock, and they rally around OP.
Defending you child and calling out someone's bs isn't something you should feel guilty about. Let them believe what they want. Let him buy her expensive stuff. And tell her to get the receipt. Then return it an let her get stuff for her sport or stuff she wants. I'm sure the money for those gifts come from his parents anyway. An take him to court for the back child support. That can be used for her sports fund and college too. If they wanna treat the son better than your girl then shut that door.
Your daughter cannot claim child support retroactively as she has no legal right to it. Legally, child support was to be paid to you as the custodial parent so you could pay for your daughter's needs. You have to claim it yourself, then you can hand it over to her if you like.
Actually, that's not entirely true. If the custodial parent never receives the child support, after informing the courts, the child CAN sue for the back (unpaid) support. Laws are different in each state, but most have provisions that allow the child/children to sue for back child support within a certain time frame (say 18yo to 25yo, for example). I'm now 57, but I had this option even when I turned 18 in 1983. If OP has informed the courts of her intentions, then she is within her rights to leave the decision to her child later. I chose not to pursue it simply because I had no desire to ever see my SD (sperm donor) again. Most kids realize on their own when a parent hasn't even tried.
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Jeez, how hard is it to support your kids. Even if you don't care, pretend you do.
It sounds like that man was spoiled all his life and refuses to grow up. He seems jealous of his daughter's accomplishments. Why else would he feel the need to put her down?
You did your daughter 'proud' Mom! Please don't give it a second thought as to what the grandparents and your mother thinks. They have no earthly idea what you and your daughter have gone thru with this 'deadbeat dad'. What comes around goes around and 'deadbeat' will definitely learn he can't hide his real self much longer now that you have shown him for the 'A-hole' he is.
As a stay at home Dad to my awesome daughter I cannot even wrap my mind around a father not wanting to be with their daughter.
Thats heartbreaking. Any normal parent would be so incredibly proud. Sounds like he's doing everything he can to not be a father as if its his goal. Probably his only goal. Lol. Definitely nta. She said what needed to be said and did so without the daughter present which is the right way to do it. Probably a good thing the grandparents heard it and id be unapologetic. They should be made aware of the situation. However doing so might cause them to push their son to be more involved in his daughters life but from the sound of things that might not be a good thing. Could lead to more disappointment for the daughter. She should definitely pursue child support regardless of her financial situation. College isn't cheap and the money could be saved and could help the daughter purchase a home or start a business when she's older. Both can create great advantages in life and the earlier the better. He doesn't want to be a father but the least he could do is help financially for his daughter.
You're definitely NTA, and his parents needed to know what a liar their son is even if they don't believe it. You NEED to take him to court for child support! Although you have a good paying job, that money belongs to your daughter. Put it aside for her, as by now it's a very tidy sum and he'll be paying it with interest for YEARS. I speak from experience here. I made the mistake of failing to take my ex back to court once we finally found him when he could afford more. I had a good paying job then and didn't need it. Then I became disabled. I've kicked myself ever since. My sister felt as you do. Her ex was the very definition of deadbeat. She never went after child support as he was an irresponsible a**. She regretted it later, and her daughter is the one who paid for her mistake. Your ex needs to be responsible, if only because a court forces him.
well, the deadbeat dad is the one who started this, he shows up really late and then criticizes and insults the daughter for "only" scoring 1 goal, causing her to burst into tears and run to the washroom. so that was the real scene, OP, you just added the full stop by exposing him as a deadbeat dad. I do agree though, that collecting child support is your responsibility and in some jurisdictions the child can't file for it, only the other parent can claim. So you need to file now, not pass it on to your daughter, that's a burden you are shifting to her. What you do with the funds is something you can discuss with daughter, sounds like the start of the college fund.
Seems like the facts were a flip from what he portrayed to his parents and they are in shock of the revelation, no it may not have been the best place for everything to come to a head, but where/when would be? His actions caused the actual blowout, you hadn't disclosed his deadbeat proclivity in the past and he's used that. Have a sit down with his parents if possible, it's not your daughters fault and he may even have juxtaposed your and his parts in the story for years, they may have spent their time feeling successful for not treating you as the deadbeat. Also don't make the overdue child support your daughters problem, if you're going to go after it, do it while she is still the minor and you can play bad guy, put it in an account to be used by her for education or for a strong adult life start. Things may never be fully righted as far as the grandparents, it depends if they can get their heads far enough around the sudden exposure of the truth over lies told.
Your ex could be runner-up for AH father of the year. I can't imagine how that poor girl felt. IDK how I would have handled it. Maybe it should have been handled in a private setting. But it's over. His parents may never know (or believe) what a rotten father he's been. Now that it's out in the open, perhaps you should have a discussion with them in private. Your daughter will eventually make her own decisions about her father, but shouldn't be based on your feelings. She's to young to handle that right now.
Yep, cos making your child cry in a public place by emotionally abusing her isn’t causing a scene at all……..
And his parents when he arrived later told him to behave. So they know he’s not a good person to begin with.
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Holy c**p the deja vu I felt reading this was insane. I feel her pain big time. Brian sucks not her.
A lot of the upset of the grandparents is most likely social conditioning. Not saying they're right, just that that's how they were probably taught so between his parents surprise over learning the truth and the social conditioning to keep such matters as quiet as possible, they may be reeling.
NTA, definitely. Deadbeat dads should be forced to move into public housing and live entirely off of food stamps, while the lion's share of their income goes for alimony and child support. This situation is shameful and inexcusable. But OP shouldn't place the burden of collecting retroactive child support onto her daughter's shoulders. The time to get it is NOW; there's no guarantee that the money will be available at a later date. DD may decide to disappear without a trace, take a low-paying job, or conveniently go on disability.
women need to understand that, once they're divorced, the man goes away. keeping a close relationship with the paternal grandparents is a hope to get close to the ex. that's why people need to stop having children on their first marriage, or better yet, altogether
"Keeping a close relationship with the paternal grandparents is a hope to get close to the ex." Or goodness forbid, the girl loves her paternal grandparents, and OP wants her to have that connection with them and her father. Well up until this outing, at least. But I don't think it's fair to just assume otherwise without any facts.
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I hope they've swapped around the sports because otherwise it's super identifiable for the people involved! Obviously she should apologise to the grandparents 'for the scene', just say you snapped because of crying daughter --- not because she did something wrong, but because they're good people and she wants her daughter to keep in close touch with them. They are upset about the facts, not the scene. Apology costs nothing, and puts in high contrast you making a one-off 'mistake' with lying deadbeat son who didn't make 'a mistake' and confessed but who did wrong for years without any change.
You can say I am sorry for how I delivered the message, but the facts remainnthe same. But you know what hebisnt being held to a high standard so she can gave this scene.
Load More Replies... Even if the kid can file a claim (I dont know the laws in whatever country they live), that's a pretty crappy decision you're forcing your daughter to make. You are passing your responsibility onto her, and the emotional toll that could come with it. Sure, *maybe* it will be cathartic for her and be a net positive... but there is also a significant chance it will leave her with guilt/anxiety/stress/etc, in addition to possible retribution from her father against *her*. Those risks are YOUR burden, not your daughter's.
I was thinking the same thing. Mom should take it to court as it is happening during her childhood andnoutnthe money into a secured trustnfornher to use at a later date. My dad had plenty of money but also checked out, told em to pull up my boot straps, and would only helo me with college if I moved 8 hours north to stay with him. Aka blackmail. I refused. Needless to say on top of a bunch of other c**p ge pulled I have been no contact since 2000. His behavior only got worse. After I moved out though my mom, whonis not financiallly secure because he forced her to be a housewife didnt have any experience or higher education which wasnt unusual for the time. But, because she was an emotional wreck she chased his measely $300 alimony for decades. It would have been better for her to just drop it instead of chasing what she was entitled to as it distracted her from just getting her life together. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses. So it depends, still not fairplay towards daughter.
Load More Replies... 1) Field hockey is just like ice hockey except it takes up an entire football field and the girls have to wear annoyingly small skirts or skorts, meaning games are single digit and getting even a single goal is amazing. Plus, she is playing against high ranked competitors. It's not abnormal for games like that to be 1-0 at the end of the match. 2) Sometimes I think jerks act like this at public places because they know they won't be called out due to no one wanted any embarrassing issues.
According to the person who chose the accompanying photos, it's exactly the same as ice hockey!
Load More Replies... He caused the scene when he made her cry. His parents and yours are wrong for blaming you Shame on them and him!
NTA - He is a deadbeat and almost toxic if he is verbally insulting and upsetting your daughter. DO NOT WORRY WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OR SAYS. You are the bomb for looking out for your daughter. His parents should be ashamed of him and not mad at you. He is trying to deflect by focusing on your truthful outburst. He is not a good father or even a decent adult. You can have his pay or tax refunds garnished. You can have the state collect it and forward it to you - deadbeats don't get away with just not paying. If you already had a legal agreement you won't have to do quite as much work to get the money. It DOES NOT MATTER if you don't need the money. You could be saving it for your daughter's future: college, a home, a car, etc. I don't think I would leave it up to the daughter. It could be invested, prepay tuition, etc. There are children who feel "bad" having to collect child support. Don't give anyone, especially him and his parents the idea that his contribution does not matter. It does. What you make isn't the issue at this point. From now on, this is your private business - you need opinions like you need another ... well you know! GO MOM! Also, should he really be an AH and you end up in court a 14yr old is usually given a private conversation with the judge which I had. It was helpful not to talk in front of a courtroom full of adults.
My son's child support was set up to come through the state. He paid or I could put him in jail. I would of too. He knew it.
I don't think she was TA. From the parents' perspective, I think that maybe it's just because everyone who was involved with the scene left, and they were the ones sitting there. I think they may have been embarrassed, but hopefully that's more of an initial shock, and they rally around OP.
Defending you child and calling out someone's bs isn't something you should feel guilty about. Let them believe what they want. Let him buy her expensive stuff. And tell her to get the receipt. Then return it an let her get stuff for her sport or stuff she wants. I'm sure the money for those gifts come from his parents anyway. An take him to court for the back child support. That can be used for her sports fund and college too. If they wanna treat the son better than your girl then shut that door.
Your daughter cannot claim child support retroactively as she has no legal right to it. Legally, child support was to be paid to you as the custodial parent so you could pay for your daughter's needs. You have to claim it yourself, then you can hand it over to her if you like.
Actually, that's not entirely true. If the custodial parent never receives the child support, after informing the courts, the child CAN sue for the back (unpaid) support. Laws are different in each state, but most have provisions that allow the child/children to sue for back child support within a certain time frame (say 18yo to 25yo, for example). I'm now 57, but I had this option even when I turned 18 in 1983. If OP has informed the courts of her intentions, then she is within her rights to leave the decision to her child later. I chose not to pursue it simply because I had no desire to ever see my SD (sperm donor) again. Most kids realize on their own when a parent hasn't even tried.
Load More Replies... Jeez, how hard is it to support your kids. Even if you don't care, pretend you do.
It sounds like that man was spoiled all his life and refuses to grow up. He seems jealous of his daughter's accomplishments. Why else would he feel the need to put her down?
You did your daughter 'proud' Mom! Please don't give it a second thought as to what the grandparents and your mother thinks. They have no earthly idea what you and your daughter have gone thru with this 'deadbeat dad'. What comes around goes around and 'deadbeat' will definitely learn he can't hide his real self much longer now that you have shown him for the 'A-hole' he is.
As a stay at home Dad to my awesome daughter I cannot even wrap my mind around a father not wanting to be with their daughter.
Thats heartbreaking. Any normal parent would be so incredibly proud. Sounds like he's doing everything he can to not be a father as if its his goal. Probably his only goal. Lol. Definitely nta. She said what needed to be said and did so without the daughter present which is the right way to do it. Probably a good thing the grandparents heard it and id be unapologetic. They should be made aware of the situation. However doing so might cause them to push their son to be more involved in his daughters life but from the sound of things that might not be a good thing. Could lead to more disappointment for the daughter. She should definitely pursue child support regardless of her financial situation. College isn't cheap and the money could be saved and could help the daughter purchase a home or start a business when she's older. Both can create great advantages in life and the earlier the better. He doesn't want to be a father but the least he could do is help financially for his daughter.
You're definitely NTA, and his parents needed to know what a liar their son is even if they don't believe it. You NEED to take him to court for child support! Although you have a good paying job, that money belongs to your daughter. Put it aside for her, as by now it's a very tidy sum and he'll be paying it with interest for YEARS. I speak from experience here. I made the mistake of failing to take my ex back to court once we finally found him when he could afford more. I had a good paying job then and didn't need it. Then I became disabled. I've kicked myself ever since. My sister felt as you do. Her ex was the very definition of deadbeat. She never went after child support as he was an irresponsible a**. She regretted it later, and her daughter is the one who paid for her mistake. Your ex needs to be responsible, if only because a court forces him.
well, the deadbeat dad is the one who started this, he shows up really late and then criticizes and insults the daughter for "only" scoring 1 goal, causing her to burst into tears and run to the washroom. so that was the real scene, OP, you just added the full stop by exposing him as a deadbeat dad. I do agree though, that collecting child support is your responsibility and in some jurisdictions the child can't file for it, only the other parent can claim. So you need to file now, not pass it on to your daughter, that's a burden you are shifting to her. What you do with the funds is something you can discuss with daughter, sounds like the start of the college fund.
Seems like the facts were a flip from what he portrayed to his parents and they are in shock of the revelation, no it may not have been the best place for everything to come to a head, but where/when would be? His actions caused the actual blowout, you hadn't disclosed his deadbeat proclivity in the past and he's used that. Have a sit down with his parents if possible, it's not your daughters fault and he may even have juxtaposed your and his parts in the story for years, they may have spent their time feeling successful for not treating you as the deadbeat. Also don't make the overdue child support your daughters problem, if you're going to go after it, do it while she is still the minor and you can play bad guy, put it in an account to be used by her for education or for a strong adult life start. Things may never be fully righted as far as the grandparents, it depends if they can get their heads far enough around the sudden exposure of the truth over lies told.
Your ex could be runner-up for AH father of the year. I can't imagine how that poor girl felt. IDK how I would have handled it. Maybe it should have been handled in a private setting. But it's over. His parents may never know (or believe) what a rotten father he's been. Now that it's out in the open, perhaps you should have a discussion with them in private. Your daughter will eventually make her own decisions about her father, but shouldn't be based on your feelings. She's to young to handle that right now.
Yep, cos making your child cry in a public place by emotionally abusing her isn’t causing a scene at all……..
And his parents when he arrived later told him to behave. So they know he’s not a good person to begin with.
Load More Replies... Holy c**p the deja vu I felt reading this was insane. I feel her pain big time. Brian sucks not her.
A lot of the upset of the grandparents is most likely social conditioning. Not saying they're right, just that that's how they were probably taught so between his parents surprise over learning the truth and the social conditioning to keep such matters as quiet as possible, they may be reeling.
NTA, definitely. Deadbeat dads should be forced to move into public housing and live entirely off of food stamps, while the lion's share of their income goes for alimony and child support. This situation is shameful and inexcusable. But OP shouldn't place the burden of collecting retroactive child support onto her daughter's shoulders. The time to get it is NOW; there's no guarantee that the money will be available at a later date. DD may decide to disappear without a trace, take a low-paying job, or conveniently go on disability.
women need to understand that, once they're divorced, the man goes away. keeping a close relationship with the paternal grandparents is a hope to get close to the ex. that's why people need to stop having children on their first marriage, or better yet, altogether
"Keeping a close relationship with the paternal grandparents is a hope to get close to the ex." Or goodness forbid, the girl loves her paternal grandparents, and OP wants her to have that connection with them and her father. Well up until this outing, at least. But I don't think it's fair to just assume otherwise without any facts.
Load More Replies... I hope they've swapped around the sports because otherwise it's super identifiable for the people involved! Obviously she should apologise to the grandparents 'for the scene', just say you snapped because of crying daughter --- not because she did something wrong, but because they're good people and she wants her daughter to keep in close touch with them. They are upset about the facts, not the scene. Apology costs nothing, and puts in high contrast you making a one-off 'mistake' with lying deadbeat son who didn't make 'a mistake' and confessed but who did wrong for years without any change.
You can say I am sorry for how I delivered the message, but the facts remainnthe same. But you know what hebisnt being held to a high standard so she can gave this scene.
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