Hey Pandas, AITA For Longing For No Contact With My Mom Even If It Means Losing Touch With My Daughter?
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I am a 32F. I’ve been married twice, and I have 2 beautiful daughters – R, who is 12 years old, and A, who is 4 months old. Then there is my mother; in short, she is a controlling nightmare.
For starters, my birth name would often prompt people to ask if I was sure I didn’t have extra equipment. So, I chose to change my name to something more feminine and beautiful. My mom is not accepting this.
After my first marriage failed, I ended up broke and homeless. Living with my parents was not an option for me. In order to keep R from suffering with me, I gave temporary guardianship of her to my dad and mom. That was 6 years ago. Now, with help from my parents, she is excelling in school, participating in equine sports, and has her entire career path planned out. In the years I have been away, I moved to another state, got on my feet, got married to my husband, and 4 months ago, gave birth to A.
When I left, I tried my hardest to keep in contact
Image credits: Daria Nepriakhina (not the actual photo)
However, living out of my car and barely making enough to pay bills and eat made it hard to keep my phone on. There were times I couldn’t call, and on a few occasions, it was a couple of months without a phone. When it was on, I made sure to call once a week. More often than not, R wasn’t home, or my Mom would pick an argument with me before I could talk to my daughter. They would never call me unless there was a hospital visit or a death in the family.
When I announced that I was pregnant with A, Mom called every day for a week
Image credits: Anastasiia Chepinska (not the actual photo)
She was insisting that I allow my brothers (whom I have decided to have no contact with) to have my phone number. After I refused multiple times, I snapped and told her the only reason I mattered to her at that current point was because I was pregnant.
After this, all conversations turned mean and vile when I’d call, so I let my phone turn off for the rest of my pregnancy until the last month.
When we announced A’s name, Mom immediately wanted to call her a boy’s name from a Disney movie. Unfortunately, it was the overprotective daddy who heard it first and did what daddies do; he told my Mom that the nickname was disrespectful, and that we would not allow it.
Mom is now using the name she gave me at every opportunity she can, even when using a name is unnecessary
Image credits: Ben White (not the actual photo)
When I politely asked her to use my chosen name, she told me it was rude and disrespectful not to use the name she gave me, then demanded that they use A’s proper name. Then, she proceeded to say, ‘How would you feel if A didn’t like the name you gave her and changed it?’ I told her that I would respect my daughter’s choice and even help her to change it if she so chooses.
I have not heard from her since. I’m considering going full no contact and waiting for R to reach out to me. I want to bring R here to live with us, but we cannot afford her horses and the place to train, and I don’t want to rip her away from the future she has created for herself and have her resenting me for it.
So the question is, do I let one daughter go so she can have her future, and I can have distance from my mom and protect my newborn from her manipulation, or do I take both daughters and cut contact even if my oldest will more than likely hate me more for that?
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
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What does R want? Because THAT is the only thing that counts. You left her with your parents at 6, for the next 6 years you had little to no contact and only or mostly (?) over the phone. She's excelling in life right now, making plans for the future, plans she's going to have to abandon when living with her estranged mom. Ask her what she wants. If she stays put, you can still go no contact with your mom without losing contact with your daughter, she's 12 after all.
Seconding this. Just let her know you are willing to put her first, and inform her of the background of what you went through, and that you want her back in your life but don't want to upend her if it would truly destroy her. Tell her you value her input on this and be prepared to hear some s****y teenage things but try and weather that if you can get to the meat of what her wants are. I can't imagine the pain she's in with you having a new child, or the ideas she might have about how or why this happened. You'll have to face that, but it sounds like you are ready to accept what might come to you.
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Having to leave your child must have been devastating to you both. But instead of getting back on your feet and mothering her, you had another child instead. That's got to hurt your oldest very deeply. Instead of asking strangers, ask your daughter what she wants.
Yes, you found the capacity to create another life for yourself but didn't include your first child. In the meantime your daughter has been given a life which includes her fave hobbies and likely school, social life and her own friends. I'm guessing her uncles (your brothers) are also a part of that. It's alot that your parents AND your brothers are on your no contact list. Your daughter is now old enough to choose, it's up to her.
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NTA, but if you go down the route of zero contact you have to be prepared for your older daughter never wanting a relationship. She most likely will feel that you're choosing your new daughter over her, even if you genuinely have her best interests at heart.
What does R want? Because THAT is the only thing that counts. You left her with your parents at 6, for the next 6 years you had little to no contact and only or mostly (?) over the phone. She's excelling in life right now, making plans for the future, plans she's going to have to abandon when living with her estranged mom. Ask her what she wants. If she stays put, you can still go no contact with your mom without losing contact with your daughter, she's 12 after all.
Seconding this. Just let her know you are willing to put her first, and inform her of the background of what you went through, and that you want her back in your life but don't want to upend her if it would truly destroy her. Tell her you value her input on this and be prepared to hear some s****y teenage things but try and weather that if you can get to the meat of what her wants are. I can't imagine the pain she's in with you having a new child, or the ideas she might have about how or why this happened. You'll have to face that, but it sounds like you are ready to accept what might come to you.
Load More Replies... Having to leave your child must have been devastating to you both. But instead of getting back on your feet and mothering her, you had another child instead. That's got to hurt your oldest very deeply. Instead of asking strangers, ask your daughter what she wants.
Yes, you found the capacity to create another life for yourself but didn't include your first child. In the meantime your daughter has been given a life which includes her fave hobbies and likely school, social life and her own friends. I'm guessing her uncles (your brothers) are also a part of that. It's alot that your parents AND your brothers are on your no contact list. Your daughter is now old enough to choose, it's up to her.
Load More Replies... NTA, but if you go down the route of zero contact you have to be prepared for your older daughter never wanting a relationship. She most likely will feel that you're choosing your new daughter over her, even if you genuinely have her best interests at heart.
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