Parents Get Slammed Online For Leaving Adoptive Son With No College Tuition After Spending Everything On Biological Kids
Recently, a 17-year-old young man shared an incident he recently had with his parents in a post on AITA. “I was adopted at the age of 4, my biological mom was best friends with my adoptive mom and she adopted me after my biological mom passed away,” the author who goes by the handle Upbasis5231 wrote.
He then proceeded explaining how all three of his older siblings, who are biological children of his parents, received generous financial support from them.
“My parents covered their college tuition in full and then covered law and medical school for two of them as well (the other sibling didn’t go to grad school). They also gave them a stipend to cover living expenses,” Upbasis5231 wrote in a post.
But when the conversation turned to the author’s future and the help he could expect from them when he goes to college, his parents gave him a cold shower. What followed was a pretty serious family conflict which left the author wondering whether he had crossed the line.
Recently, a 17-year-old boy shared how his adoptive parents refuse to help him with college tuition although they were financially very generous with their biological children
Image credits: Charles DeLoye (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
A huge body of current legal and academic arguments state that children are best off with their biological parents. Similarly, evolutionary psychologists argue that parents dote on biological children more than their adoptive children since it’s more likely for your genes survive long after you do.
This recent study revealed that parents reported more negativity and less positivity as well as higher levels of externalizing behavior for the adopted child compared to the non-adopted child. Moreover, fathers and mothers did not differ significantly in their reports of positive and negative feelings towards their children or in regard to child externalizing and internalizing behaviors.
On the other hand, Nigel Barber, an Irish-born American biopsychologist and author of multiple award-winning books and studies, argues that actually, the opposite is true and parents do favor their adoptive children to their biological ones. One of the reasons may be because parents get invested more in the adopted children because they need more help.
“As to why human parents have no defense against nurturing non-relatives, it can be argued that adopting non-relatives is an artificial consequence of modern environments,” Barber writes in Psychology Today. “In the distant past, our foraging ancestors were likely to be fairly closely related to any unattached babies they encountered and so evolved no defense against investing in non-relatives,” he explains.
The story resonated with many people online as they showed their support for the author
Same boat here. I was adopted. My "sister" was always given birthday parties/meals out despite my birthday being 2 days later I got nothing. My "sister" was given support for cars, university, a house and holidays. I never got a thing. It got to the point where I went off the rails (not violence or acting out). As soon as I was 16 my adoptive "parents" kicked me out. I haven't spoken to them in 16 years. I was put in a hostel, that was depressing. At 16 years old I was surrounded by acoholics, drug users and weekly suicides. Then two weeks before my 17th I met Emma, whose never left my side....I have a fantastic daughter and now I'm a teacher. My daughter will NEVER face what I went though, she'll have the support physically as well as mentally.
I'm sorry that you went through all that but I'd like to think it made you the obviously strong and remarkable person you now are. You're daughter has an amazing role model.
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Did anyone else notice how when he first asked about tuition, his "parents" told him "YOUR MOM didn't leave you anything for tuition"? Obviously they do not feel that OP is one of their children.
I suspect OP doesn't know or is t sharing the full picture. There is a good chance the parents didn't actually pay for college and the house, but the money came from a pre-adoptiom trust fund or something and the parents are taking the credit for someone else's controbution. It isn't uncommon for a trust executor from grandparents to be the parents and parents to take the credit. NAL, but pretty sure sire the executors don't have to disclose the existence of the trust as long as it is being executed per it's terms.
Load More Replies... The parents should have planned their finances to help ALL their children at college, even if that meant not buying a condo for one of their children (why did they do that when there was another child to go through college and, I wonder, are they buying condos for all?). By not doing so, it completely shows they do not accept the OP as one of their children. If they did, there wouldn't be an "adopted" son, he would be one of their children and they would all get financial aid. Actually, "adopted son" says it all too, as he should be referred as "our son who was adopted" (in the past) instead of "adopted son" (even now he'll always be the adopted one).
What??!! He SHOULD be referred to as "our son". PERIOD.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't be surprised if the parents kept reminding him that he should be grateful to have had their support throughout the years. Adopting a kid is not a simple decision. When they adopted him, they agreed to be his parents but it sounds like they weren't really committed
Makes me wonder if the family's name is Dursley, and this kid's biological last name was Potter.
Load More Replies... Who the f**k does this? I was adopted 73 years ago and I have 3 adopted kids. I love as my parent's daughter and my kids are MY kids. We all had positive adoption experiences. So sad that people like this adopt. Just don't.
In a Law and Order SVU episode, Liv adopts her son, and the judge tells her that should she have any bio children, he should be treated equally. Marissa Hargitay has one adopted child and one bio child, so I'm guessing that speech was taken from her experience when she adopted her second child. These parents obviously didn't get that speech, or just didn't care to listen to it.
If the kids mother died, he would have been entitled to her social security in the US. It would have been in his adoptive parents name until he was 18 unless they set up a trust for him. It seems like they didn’t put the money away for him and just spent it on other things, like their bio kids education. He should speak with a lawyer.
The OP mentioned that his parents are both still working & make over 400k a year each. So even if they are "only" bringing in around 600k combined after taxes, if they gave OP $15k for school that would only be 2.5% of their yearly income. His parents knew exactly what they were doing. I knew a single mother who sold her 4 bedroom house & moved into a small mobile home so she could pay for her son's college. OP is not a priority to his "parents". They sound like terrible people & he should be happy he is almost old enough to move away from them. I'm sure they are they kind of people that will continue to claim him as a dependent even after he moves out & they no longer support him, thus keeping him from being eligible for financial aid. Hopefully he still has time to apply for scholarships. I'd definitely suggest asking his highschool advisors for help & maybe talk to someone at the university he wants to attend too.
I have never heard of Survivors Pension but it sounds to me that your bio mum did have money when she passed and those greedy animals took you in so they could get their hands on the money. Cut all ties with them son and get as much help as you can. I REALLY hope you get a fantastic job and end up filthy rich just to rub their noses in the fact you done it by yourself !!! Someone said to start a go fund me page. Not a bad idea but don't mention the adoptive "parents" as it might make you look selfish or put you in a bad light. I truly hope you have a fantastic life and walk away from all the "family" xxx
If it was me, I’d cut my losses and break all relations with them asap.
I was thinking the same, why bother with people who clearly don't want you around.
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There is a workaround for you if you are the first person in your family to go to college. If you weren't formally adopted, and have your biological mother's last name, you could apply for a full-ride scholarship. ___ The other workaround is applying for grants and scholarships. I got a pell grant for the community college when I was 23. As long as you keep your grades up, the grant remains.
If only. He was adopted. This completely fuqs him over, as he is subject to his wealthy adoptive parent's income level.
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OP is entitled, truthfully entitled, to direct to be treated the same. It's a reasonable and logical assumption. And the parents are making it plain how they feel about him. Move out, move on. How do the siblings feel about all this?
Emancipate. Yourself.. asap. apply for everything you can with help that is being offered. Distance yourself from them. Also, do you know what your mothers will says, if she had one, and was there any money left to you. If there was, speak to a lawyer. Also, find out what they got money wise. Did they truly adopt you, or just maintain guardianship. If they adopted you, you are entitled to support similar as your. Siblings. Something sounds fishy with them. Check it out .
This just makes me sad. Adopted children can already have abandonment issues even when they have loving, supportive parents :(
Hold on, the adoptive parents stepped up to the plate to raise a child due to the relationship with the deceased mother. This was not a planned event. Most adoptions are done by couples who desperately want children. In this instance, the parents desperately wanted their friend's child to have a solid upbringing. There is a difference. I commend the parents for taking on the responsibility of raising their friends kid. If not, it is very possible it would have been a childhood of foster care.
That's true, they did a lot for him. The thing is, they want to uphold a pretence that they treat him equally to their biological children, which is a very obvious BS and very unfair to their adopted son, who believed it and got blindsided.
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Definitely has "rich people with a charity case" vibe. Like, a fairytale...
I'll never forget the time my stepdad was giving money to his kids for going to the carnival and I got in line he looked me right in the eye and said you're not my kid I don't have to give you money for the carnival get out of here. I was 8 it still hearts 30 years later!!!
That is horrible! Where was your mother in all this?? She should have stood up for you, & kicked that loser to the curb!!
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You have every right to feel slighted. Do not let this stop you from pursuing higher education, it might be much more difficult and may take more time to complete requirements for a degree but you can do it. If they will not be offering you financial support to attend college, then they should not be able to claim you as dependent for tax purposes once you have graduated high school. Good luck, and be well...
What is the point of adopting him, if he's never going to be one of their "real" kids? You take a child into your home that's your kid full stop. It's like they only adopted him to make themselves feel good and look good to other people. The OP has a right to be upset. This is damaging. NTA.
Don't even wait to turn 18! Apply to become an emancipated minor now, so their income doesn't screw you out of state & federal financial aid. Setting up a Go Fund Me page isn't a bad idea, either. Make sure your school counselor knows your situation - don't leave anything out! And get far away from those people, (your "parents") & don't look back - you know the favoritism will continue throughout your life, & your kids will be treated much differently than your "siblings'" kids - i.e., their biological grandkids will be treated much better than your kids, & you do not want them growing up feeling slighted as you did. Very best of luck to you!!
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This is quite complex situation. You was adopted in different circumstances than it is usual. They wanted to help you, but they were not committed for another child. They should know better. Adoption is taking responsibility for you for rest of their lifes, to help you to stand on your own feet as an adult and be there as you have no one else. It is not babysitting til 18. I hope they will realise they don't want to see you struggling.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. The parents saw it as babysitting until age 18 then they can wash their hands of him.
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WHY THE F*** WOULD ANYONE ADOPT A CHILD AND NOT TREAT THE CHILD LIKE THEIR OWN??? THIS IS SAD, THOUGHTLESS & CRUEL. ONE OF MANY REASONS WHY THIS WORLD IS LIKE IT IS.
I think there is a far bigger problem here than college fees. An adopted child is as "real" as a biological kid, and should be treated the same way, but these parents didn't make this kid feel loved or worthy. The only difference should be in medical stuff, because the kid is not genetically related to their adoptive family, but apart from that there shouldn't be any difference whatsoever. I can't understand why people adopt if they are not willing to love the adopted child as much as they love their biological kids. Kids are kids, regardless whose womb they come from.
"Sorry honey, you will get nothing, we were too busy paying for college and condos for our bio kids. But we treat all our children equally!"
The worst part of this is that this kid is going to be saddled with a lifetime of debt because of this. He won't qualify for ANY financial aid. He'll wind up having to take private loans for at least 80% of his college costs. Federal loans are hard enough to pay off, but the higher interest on private loans will make this kid's life hell. I don't know if I'd even bother nowadays. I worked with a young woman who just graduated that was in the same boat; where her parent's income was too high, yet they didn't help. She said her total monthly payments between her loans was/is $1500 a month. She's working a $36,000 a year job; so her loans are roughly half her net salary. She said she didn't know what she'd do if she couldn't still live with her parents; and that she'll be lucky to have her own place by the time she's in her mid-30s.
i dont understand why ppl adopt if they do not treat tge children well. it is not like adpitions are mandatory for everyone. reading the comments i see it is common. very sad
Maybe his mom had noone else. At least they did something, but where's dad and where are both sets of grandparents?
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This is kind of a different situation than the "true" adoptee. If they as parents sought out and chose a child to adopt as their own, and then treated him differently, they'd be monstrous. However, they sound like they never would have adopted a child if not for the close family death, and have viewed themselves not as parents, but only in a parental role. They're ok ensuring he made it to adulthood safely by being his custodians, but never viewed themselves as his parents or their children as his siblings. They made sure the kid didn't starve as their duty, but feel they are not responsible for major expenses like college. It sucks that he is only finding out about this viewpoint now, but the distinction that they never wanted to adopt a kid switches their reaction from "monstrous" to "not the highest road possible, but understandable" The LW should ask to see details on $ received for fostering him, and insurance and inheritance payouts used for his care.
I don't agree that it's "understandable". If he had been adopted as a teenager, it might be. But he was four years old, and if they were not willing to go all in then they should not have made the commitment. It isn't just about them not paying for his college education. It's abusive to treat an adopted child differently from your own and he has had to deal with that his entire life. He may not even remember his bio mother so this may be the only family he has ever known and it sucks to know that you were never wanted.
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Need to ask about the bio mother's estate. If she has any assets, they would have passed to the OP in some sort of trust. The Adopted parents would have been executors, but I'm sure a civil case could be made that the executor did not oversee the trust in good faith. Could probably recoup initial trust plus any and all interest that would have been earned.
what i can’t even imagine is treating my best friend’s child like this. like holy cow, i love that little nugget so much i can’t imagine not giving him everything i could if something happened to her.
I was told at 11 there would be no money for college and so I never expected it. Turns out I had inherited a college fund but my mom and step dad had *just* spent it on a down payment for a house. I moved out in my early teens and couch surfed with family or was homeless, which my parents seemed totally fine with. I'd didn't get to go to hs at all. Took the GED. When I got a job at 18 and started paying for my college (community), because my parents made too much money for me to get fin aid, my grandparents found out, and tore my parents a new one, so they agreed to pay for my As only. I got As, but they never did, and I felt weird asking. Had my own place in town, but I babysat their kids whenever asked, ran errands for them on demand, gave my bro his first vehicle, then they tried to tell me I owed them money for the repairs they had done I showed them my transcripts, asked for the 20K they owed me, and they decided we were even. Car repairs: 1500 Twist: sibs have college funds.
Yeah. They could have easily been smart with budgeting and made it to where all of the children (OP included) received something. They're horrible.
What AHs they are. Adopted means he is YOUR child. I and my 3 sibs are all adopted in infancy. While our parents have never financially treated us differently, some of our cousins have. For instance, none of us got anything after our mutual grandparents died. And even decades later, when Noni's sofa, which I have fond memories of, had spent all those years in the rafters of a garage, cousins wouldn't let me buy it. It ended up at the dump. I don't even have any of the old family photos. They're all in some trunk that gets moved around from cousin to cousin with none of them seeing it as more than a nuisance.
So sad for you - your cousins sound mean as snakes, & miserly as well.
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Similar in many ways here but I was biological. Just not the kid they wanted. I would consider investigating if bio mom had left any money. When I found out I was pregnant, it was 1 of the first things I did was make sure we had a good amount of life insurance and other things planned out for the baby in case anything happens. Especially with how my parents treated me. I'm going to assume bio mom had something, even if it wasn't much.
What happened to your social security survivor benefits you're supposed to receive every month until you turn 18 or stop furthering your education?
Have experienced something similar to this. I 've got a half-brother, we've got the same father. We got both most of the funding for college, so I should't complain. But, when I was seeking for a job, I was told I was not trying hard enough. When my brother was in the same situation, our father and his mother used their networks to get him a job and did it again when my was fed up with his first one. In comparison this seemed not really fair And I still am sometimes being talked down at when I'm between jobs, or freelancing. It just happens.... But you really haven't been treated fairly and are NTA for mentioning it.
You have just to sit down with them and talk about that. It might take some time, but with constant pressure, you will make them see and realize what they are doing.
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Why dont you take a year or two off and get a job and just save some money? Maybe that will give your parents time to recuperate financially as well as give you a chance to save up some money to put towards college, cause student loans are a b***h. I dunno if they have purposely left you out or if they just budgeted poorly until it was too late but at least this way you give them some time to bounce back and then see if they say the same thing. Then you’ll really know.
Budgeted poorly? Or perhaps they were taken by surprise by a stealth condo purchase?
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The question about how much older the siblings are, was not answered. This is important. Even if the parents are making decent money, they could be in heavy debt from the other kids. He said it would take a couple years to rebuild, so, he's 17. Maybe after his first year or two they will be able to help? Maybe some of the money for the other kids college was from grandparents or other family members. Maybe this was gifted before he was adopted? I feel like there is more to this story. Something is not adding up.
In some states, adopted children and foster children receive tuition waivers when attending a state university. There's a difference between entitlement and expectations. By providing an education for the older children they also created the reasonable expectation that they would do the same for you. And they're certainly dishonoring your deceased biological mother; it sounds like that long-ago adoption was out of guilt rather than friendship. It boggles the mind that they provided ONE of the biokids with a condo and not all of them. Sounds like they are less astute than lucky at financial management. My first three children were adopted, my fourth stolen from me when his mother died, and the fifth and sixth are currently less than fifteen. I believe strongly in higher education but never earned enough money to fund six cars, weddings and colleges. So I share your frustrations but it's time for you to take care of you and develop the ability to say "No."
the parents are wrong the parents knew what they was doing what goes around comes around karma will pay them back start a go fund me page show the how evil they are
Gotta say I paid for my own education AND I don’t get Loan Forgiveness from the government so I’m upset too buddy.
Survivors pay can be extended into college years. So the thought that I have is if you get emancipated and you go straight from high school to college you should be able to have some of that to help you with paying for college along with a full pell and certain states have other grants as well. Community colleges are not only less expensive but they are some of the best colleges to go to. The teachers are highly motivated to help their students and they have less student per teacher ratios. Even though your adoptive parents helped their biological children physically with the money and such maybe they didn't help them to grow their characters very well. Some of the best ways to grow your character is by learning how to take responsibility for yourself.You just keep your head up and keep stepping forward and you'll make it.
They are evil. I have nothing alls to say.He just need a GoFundMe , explaining his situation and his going to get the help he needs .
NTA...you should look into whether they received survivor benefits for you. Or 1/2 of full retirement of disability benefits. You qualified for up to 75 percent of the deceased parents basic S.S. benefit. It's time for you to seek legal help.
Verify all their claims and started a gofundme but don't mention parents name they might have the nerve to sue your for defamatin of character
The sad truth is that in a way you really aren't entitled to their money only if in fact it really is even theirs and not something that belongs you through your mother. and this is a sad reality for many adopted children and I honestly think that this was actually the customary way that humanity viewed orphans throughout human history was that if you where not biologically theirs you didn't have a say as to treatment differences or what you'd get it's more like you had to be grateful for anything you had and count yourself lucky which is so freaking wrong and inhumane like we have supposedly evolved and advanced since ancient times if anyone still has this mentality then they should seriously just not adopt a child if they aren't ready to be committed or treat them as their own if you just don't feel that connection with someone that isn't your child than why adopt that's just cruel . If I are were you id speak to a lawyer and verify that your mother trully didn't leave you anything
I am so embarrassed that parents, adoptive or not, could act this way. I am heartbroken for you. Other commenters have good ideas about handling tuition depending on your country and situation. And there are some great ideas (assuming uni is for you, which isn't necessary to be happy btw). Sadly, we can't change the people around us. But you can build your own "family" - the people I consider family are the special and kind ones who have stayed by my side and made me feel loved. I married my best friend and I can count on my mates for anything.
Those people received tax credits for that kid. He should sue them for that money.
And you sir, get an internet reward for most comically terrible internet advise in the comment section!
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Typically I might not side with an entitled kid but in this case I absolutely will. Their kids should be treated reasonably equal, and this isn't the case, they were adopted so they ARE their kid, it's not a Foster care situation. Especially since they found money to buy one a condo as well as college.... I see a toxic environment here.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Oldest of 5 sibling's I am the only one expected to do it on my own. Didn't and still haven't while the siblings with funds have education and careers
Even among biological siblings, there is always a favorite (and a least loved). The child that learns to succeed without any help is the one who grows up to be smarter, stronger, and independant. The child who is tied to Daddy's wallet will always be a child.
What fortunate cookie did you get that from? Implying that it's better for kids to simply struggle and parents who allow them to are doing them a favor, actually, is practically handing every lousy parent who ever existed a free gift-wrapped pass to keep on being lousy. Besides, the issue here isn't is OP better off because his adoptive parents aren't helping him financially, it's are they a**holes for helping their biological kids while *not* helping their adopted son? And the answer is yes, they are. Biological or not, you treat *all* your kids the same in these kinds of matters, otherwise you run the risk of othering them and making them feel less than. Adopted kids are already more likely to have psychological issues when it comes to the way in which they view their place within their families, and mom and dad playing favorites is only going to to contribute to those issues.
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Excuse me?! This is like telling a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship to be grateful for what she has as "at least he doesn't hit you". OP said they were always 3rd wheel. If you think the bare minimum is fine for adoptive children, then for the love of God don't adopt!
Load More Replies... This is the perfect example of why you should not adopt orphans. They will eventually spit back at your face for all the kidness and support you gave them. Perso in this case is so entitled. It never crossed his mind that parents do not own indefinite support.
Tomas, he didn't ask for "indefinite support." You sound like a very bitter and unhappy person to be dumping all over this poor kid who just wanted to be treated like he was part of the family.
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It is strange and unfortunate that a family would adopt a child at age 4 yet treat them differently than their biological children at college tuition time. If I was the OP, I would be frustrated. That said, it is likely that nothing will come of shaming the parents for this. I would let them know I was very grateful for their having cared for him with food, shelter and hopefully love via the adoption. After that, I would let the unfairness propel me to do my very best to make my way on my own and succeed in life. No doubt, although grateful for the years 4-17, it would have lasting less than desirable ramifications on how I felt about the situation as a whole.
Don't be an entitled prick You need college to make it ahead in life, their biological kids were lucky to have good parents, not so with a load of kids in student debt now bec they didn't have parents adopted or biological who funded their college. Ignore and make your own life
Maybe they're broke now. Not everyone gets to go to college, but life isn't over.
Nope. Reading clarifies this. They are very comfortable.
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It is child who wants to be loved and supported by parents. They treat him as neighbour's kid. He is alone. Please, don't forget who is adult here and who teenager in this story.
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If they were treating him as one their own, they would have given him some cash. (I don't know why I thought the article said "17f", but I fixed the pronouns)
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Same boat here. I was adopted. My "sister" was always given birthday parties/meals out despite my birthday being 2 days later I got nothing. My "sister" was given support for cars, university, a house and holidays. I never got a thing. It got to the point where I went off the rails (not violence or acting out). As soon as I was 16 my adoptive "parents" kicked me out. I haven't spoken to them in 16 years. I was put in a hostel, that was depressing. At 16 years old I was surrounded by acoholics, drug users and weekly suicides. Then two weeks before my 17th I met Emma, whose never left my side....I have a fantastic daughter and now I'm a teacher. My daughter will NEVER face what I went though, she'll have the support physically as well as mentally.
I'm sorry that you went through all that but I'd like to think it made you the obviously strong and remarkable person you now are. You're daughter has an amazing role model.
Load More Replies... Did anyone else notice how when he first asked about tuition, his "parents" told him "YOUR MOM didn't leave you anything for tuition"? Obviously they do not feel that OP is one of their children.
I suspect OP doesn't know or is t sharing the full picture. There is a good chance the parents didn't actually pay for college and the house, but the money came from a pre-adoptiom trust fund or something and the parents are taking the credit for someone else's controbution. It isn't uncommon for a trust executor from grandparents to be the parents and parents to take the credit. NAL, but pretty sure sire the executors don't have to disclose the existence of the trust as long as it is being executed per it's terms.
Load More Replies... The parents should have planned their finances to help ALL their children at college, even if that meant not buying a condo for one of their children (why did they do that when there was another child to go through college and, I wonder, are they buying condos for all?). By not doing so, it completely shows they do not accept the OP as one of their children. If they did, there wouldn't be an "adopted" son, he would be one of their children and they would all get financial aid. Actually, "adopted son" says it all too, as he should be referred as "our son who was adopted" (in the past) instead of "adopted son" (even now he'll always be the adopted one).
What??!! He SHOULD be referred to as "our son". PERIOD.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't be surprised if the parents kept reminding him that he should be grateful to have had their support throughout the years. Adopting a kid is not a simple decision. When they adopted him, they agreed to be his parents but it sounds like they weren't really committed
Makes me wonder if the family's name is Dursley, and this kid's biological last name was Potter.
Load More Replies... Who the f**k does this? I was adopted 73 years ago and I have 3 adopted kids. I love as my parent's daughter and my kids are MY kids. We all had positive adoption experiences. So sad that people like this adopt. Just don't.
In a Law and Order SVU episode, Liv adopts her son, and the judge tells her that should she have any bio children, he should be treated equally. Marissa Hargitay has one adopted child and one bio child, so I'm guessing that speech was taken from her experience when she adopted her second child. These parents obviously didn't get that speech, or just didn't care to listen to it.
If the kids mother died, he would have been entitled to her social security in the US. It would have been in his adoptive parents name until he was 18 unless they set up a trust for him. It seems like they didn’t put the money away for him and just spent it on other things, like their bio kids education. He should speak with a lawyer.
The OP mentioned that his parents are both still working & make over 400k a year each. So even if they are "only" bringing in around 600k combined after taxes, if they gave OP $15k for school that would only be 2.5% of their yearly income. His parents knew exactly what they were doing. I knew a single mother who sold her 4 bedroom house & moved into a small mobile home so she could pay for her son's college. OP is not a priority to his "parents". They sound like terrible people & he should be happy he is almost old enough to move away from them. I'm sure they are they kind of people that will continue to claim him as a dependent even after he moves out & they no longer support him, thus keeping him from being eligible for financial aid. Hopefully he still has time to apply for scholarships. I'd definitely suggest asking his highschool advisors for help & maybe talk to someone at the university he wants to attend too.
I have never heard of Survivors Pension but it sounds to me that your bio mum did have money when she passed and those greedy animals took you in so they could get their hands on the money. Cut all ties with them son and get as much help as you can. I REALLY hope you get a fantastic job and end up filthy rich just to rub their noses in the fact you done it by yourself !!! Someone said to start a go fund me page. Not a bad idea but don't mention the adoptive "parents" as it might make you look selfish or put you in a bad light. I truly hope you have a fantastic life and walk away from all the "family" xxx
If it was me, I’d cut my losses and break all relations with them asap.
I was thinking the same, why bother with people who clearly don't want you around.
Load More Replies... There is a workaround for you if you are the first person in your family to go to college. If you weren't formally adopted, and have your biological mother's last name, you could apply for a full-ride scholarship. ___ The other workaround is applying for grants and scholarships. I got a pell grant for the community college when I was 23. As long as you keep your grades up, the grant remains.
If only. He was adopted. This completely fuqs him over, as he is subject to his wealthy adoptive parent's income level.
Load More Replies... OP is entitled, truthfully entitled, to direct to be treated the same. It's a reasonable and logical assumption. And the parents are making it plain how they feel about him. Move out, move on. How do the siblings feel about all this?
Emancipate. Yourself.. asap. apply for everything you can with help that is being offered. Distance yourself from them. Also, do you know what your mothers will says, if she had one, and was there any money left to you. If there was, speak to a lawyer. Also, find out what they got money wise. Did they truly adopt you, or just maintain guardianship. If they adopted you, you are entitled to support similar as your. Siblings. Something sounds fishy with them. Check it out .
This just makes me sad. Adopted children can already have abandonment issues even when they have loving, supportive parents :(
Hold on, the adoptive parents stepped up to the plate to raise a child due to the relationship with the deceased mother. This was not a planned event. Most adoptions are done by couples who desperately want children. In this instance, the parents desperately wanted their friend's child to have a solid upbringing. There is a difference. I commend the parents for taking on the responsibility of raising their friends kid. If not, it is very possible it would have been a childhood of foster care.
That's true, they did a lot for him. The thing is, they want to uphold a pretence that they treat him equally to their biological children, which is a very obvious BS and very unfair to their adopted son, who believed it and got blindsided.
Load More Replies... Definitely has "rich people with a charity case" vibe. Like, a fairytale...
I'll never forget the time my stepdad was giving money to his kids for going to the carnival and I got in line he looked me right in the eye and said you're not my kid I don't have to give you money for the carnival get out of here. I was 8 it still hearts 30 years later!!!
That is horrible! Where was your mother in all this?? She should have stood up for you, & kicked that loser to the curb!!
Load More Replies... You have every right to feel slighted. Do not let this stop you from pursuing higher education, it might be much more difficult and may take more time to complete requirements for a degree but you can do it. If they will not be offering you financial support to attend college, then they should not be able to claim you as dependent for tax purposes once you have graduated high school. Good luck, and be well...
What is the point of adopting him, if he's never going to be one of their "real" kids? You take a child into your home that's your kid full stop. It's like they only adopted him to make themselves feel good and look good to other people. The OP has a right to be upset. This is damaging. NTA.
Don't even wait to turn 18! Apply to become an emancipated minor now, so their income doesn't screw you out of state & federal financial aid. Setting up a Go Fund Me page isn't a bad idea, either. Make sure your school counselor knows your situation - don't leave anything out! And get far away from those people, (your "parents") & don't look back - you know the favoritism will continue throughout your life, & your kids will be treated much differently than your "siblings'" kids - i.e., their biological grandkids will be treated much better than your kids, & you do not want them growing up feeling slighted as you did. Very best of luck to you!!
Load More Replies... This is quite complex situation. You was adopted in different circumstances than it is usual. They wanted to help you, but they were not committed for another child. They should know better. Adoption is taking responsibility for you for rest of their lifes, to help you to stand on your own feet as an adult and be there as you have no one else. It is not babysitting til 18. I hope they will realise they don't want to see you struggling.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. The parents saw it as babysitting until age 18 then they can wash their hands of him.
Load More Replies... WHY THE F*** WOULD ANYONE ADOPT A CHILD AND NOT TREAT THE CHILD LIKE THEIR OWN??? THIS IS SAD, THOUGHTLESS & CRUEL. ONE OF MANY REASONS WHY THIS WORLD IS LIKE IT IS.
I think there is a far bigger problem here than college fees. An adopted child is as "real" as a biological kid, and should be treated the same way, but these parents didn't make this kid feel loved or worthy. The only difference should be in medical stuff, because the kid is not genetically related to their adoptive family, but apart from that there shouldn't be any difference whatsoever. I can't understand why people adopt if they are not willing to love the adopted child as much as they love their biological kids. Kids are kids, regardless whose womb they come from.
"Sorry honey, you will get nothing, we were too busy paying for college and condos for our bio kids. But we treat all our children equally!"
The worst part of this is that this kid is going to be saddled with a lifetime of debt because of this. He won't qualify for ANY financial aid. He'll wind up having to take private loans for at least 80% of his college costs. Federal loans are hard enough to pay off, but the higher interest on private loans will make this kid's life hell. I don't know if I'd even bother nowadays. I worked with a young woman who just graduated that was in the same boat; where her parent's income was too high, yet they didn't help. She said her total monthly payments between her loans was/is $1500 a month. She's working a $36,000 a year job; so her loans are roughly half her net salary. She said she didn't know what she'd do if she couldn't still live with her parents; and that she'll be lucky to have her own place by the time she's in her mid-30s.
i dont understand why ppl adopt if they do not treat tge children well. it is not like adpitions are mandatory for everyone. reading the comments i see it is common. very sad
Maybe his mom had noone else. At least they did something, but where's dad and where are both sets of grandparents?
Load More Replies... This is kind of a different situation than the "true" adoptee. If they as parents sought out and chose a child to adopt as their own, and then treated him differently, they'd be monstrous. However, they sound like they never would have adopted a child if not for the close family death, and have viewed themselves not as parents, but only in a parental role. They're ok ensuring he made it to adulthood safely by being his custodians, but never viewed themselves as his parents or their children as his siblings. They made sure the kid didn't starve as their duty, but feel they are not responsible for major expenses like college. It sucks that he is only finding out about this viewpoint now, but the distinction that they never wanted to adopt a kid switches their reaction from "monstrous" to "not the highest road possible, but understandable" The LW should ask to see details on $ received for fostering him, and insurance and inheritance payouts used for his care.
I don't agree that it's "understandable". If he had been adopted as a teenager, it might be. But he was four years old, and if they were not willing to go all in then they should not have made the commitment. It isn't just about them not paying for his college education. It's abusive to treat an adopted child differently from your own and he has had to deal with that his entire life. He may not even remember his bio mother so this may be the only family he has ever known and it sucks to know that you were never wanted.
Load More Replies... Need to ask about the bio mother's estate. If she has any assets, they would have passed to the OP in some sort of trust. The Adopted parents would have been executors, but I'm sure a civil case could be made that the executor did not oversee the trust in good faith. Could probably recoup initial trust plus any and all interest that would have been earned.
what i can’t even imagine is treating my best friend’s child like this. like holy cow, i love that little nugget so much i can’t imagine not giving him everything i could if something happened to her.
I was told at 11 there would be no money for college and so I never expected it. Turns out I had inherited a college fund but my mom and step dad had *just* spent it on a down payment for a house. I moved out in my early teens and couch surfed with family or was homeless, which my parents seemed totally fine with. I'd didn't get to go to hs at all. Took the GED. When I got a job at 18 and started paying for my college (community), because my parents made too much money for me to get fin aid, my grandparents found out, and tore my parents a new one, so they agreed to pay for my As only. I got As, but they never did, and I felt weird asking. Had my own place in town, but I babysat their kids whenever asked, ran errands for them on demand, gave my bro his first vehicle, then they tried to tell me I owed them money for the repairs they had done I showed them my transcripts, asked for the 20K they owed me, and they decided we were even. Car repairs: 1500 Twist: sibs have college funds.
Yeah. They could have easily been smart with budgeting and made it to where all of the children (OP included) received something. They're horrible.
What AHs they are. Adopted means he is YOUR child. I and my 3 sibs are all adopted in infancy. While our parents have never financially treated us differently, some of our cousins have. For instance, none of us got anything after our mutual grandparents died. And even decades later, when Noni's sofa, which I have fond memories of, had spent all those years in the rafters of a garage, cousins wouldn't let me buy it. It ended up at the dump. I don't even have any of the old family photos. They're all in some trunk that gets moved around from cousin to cousin with none of them seeing it as more than a nuisance.
So sad for you - your cousins sound mean as snakes, & miserly as well.
Load More Replies... Similar in many ways here but I was biological. Just not the kid they wanted. I would consider investigating if bio mom had left any money. When I found out I was pregnant, it was 1 of the first things I did was make sure we had a good amount of life insurance and other things planned out for the baby in case anything happens. Especially with how my parents treated me. I'm going to assume bio mom had something, even if it wasn't much.
What happened to your social security survivor benefits you're supposed to receive every month until you turn 18 or stop furthering your education?
Have experienced something similar to this. I 've got a half-brother, we've got the same father. We got both most of the funding for college, so I should't complain. But, when I was seeking for a job, I was told I was not trying hard enough. When my brother was in the same situation, our father and his mother used their networks to get him a job and did it again when my was fed up with his first one. In comparison this seemed not really fair And I still am sometimes being talked down at when I'm between jobs, or freelancing. It just happens.... But you really haven't been treated fairly and are NTA for mentioning it.
You have just to sit down with them and talk about that. It might take some time, but with constant pressure, you will make them see and realize what they are doing.
Load More Replies... Why dont you take a year or two off and get a job and just save some money? Maybe that will give your parents time to recuperate financially as well as give you a chance to save up some money to put towards college, cause student loans are a b***h. I dunno if they have purposely left you out or if they just budgeted poorly until it was too late but at least this way you give them some time to bounce back and then see if they say the same thing. Then you’ll really know.
Budgeted poorly? Or perhaps they were taken by surprise by a stealth condo purchase?
Load More Replies... The question about how much older the siblings are, was not answered. This is important. Even if the parents are making decent money, they could be in heavy debt from the other kids. He said it would take a couple years to rebuild, so, he's 17. Maybe after his first year or two they will be able to help? Maybe some of the money for the other kids college was from grandparents or other family members. Maybe this was gifted before he was adopted? I feel like there is more to this story. Something is not adding up.
In some states, adopted children and foster children receive tuition waivers when attending a state university. There's a difference between entitlement and expectations. By providing an education for the older children they also created the reasonable expectation that they would do the same for you. And they're certainly dishonoring your deceased biological mother; it sounds like that long-ago adoption was out of guilt rather than friendship. It boggles the mind that they provided ONE of the biokids with a condo and not all of them. Sounds like they are less astute than lucky at financial management. My first three children were adopted, my fourth stolen from me when his mother died, and the fifth and sixth are currently less than fifteen. I believe strongly in higher education but never earned enough money to fund six cars, weddings and colleges. So I share your frustrations but it's time for you to take care of you and develop the ability to say "No."
the parents are wrong the parents knew what they was doing what goes around comes around karma will pay them back start a go fund me page show the how evil they are
Gotta say I paid for my own education AND I don’t get Loan Forgiveness from the government so I’m upset too buddy.
Survivors pay can be extended into college years. So the thought that I have is if you get emancipated and you go straight from high school to college you should be able to have some of that to help you with paying for college along with a full pell and certain states have other grants as well. Community colleges are not only less expensive but they are some of the best colleges to go to. The teachers are highly motivated to help their students and they have less student per teacher ratios. Even though your adoptive parents helped their biological children physically with the money and such maybe they didn't help them to grow their characters very well. Some of the best ways to grow your character is by learning how to take responsibility for yourself.You just keep your head up and keep stepping forward and you'll make it.
They are evil. I have nothing alls to say.He just need a GoFundMe , explaining his situation and his going to get the help he needs .
NTA...you should look into whether they received survivor benefits for you. Or 1/2 of full retirement of disability benefits. You qualified for up to 75 percent of the deceased parents basic S.S. benefit. It's time for you to seek legal help.
Verify all their claims and started a gofundme but don't mention parents name they might have the nerve to sue your for defamatin of character
The sad truth is that in a way you really aren't entitled to their money only if in fact it really is even theirs and not something that belongs you through your mother. and this is a sad reality for many adopted children and I honestly think that this was actually the customary way that humanity viewed orphans throughout human history was that if you where not biologically theirs you didn't have a say as to treatment differences or what you'd get it's more like you had to be grateful for anything you had and count yourself lucky which is so freaking wrong and inhumane like we have supposedly evolved and advanced since ancient times if anyone still has this mentality then they should seriously just not adopt a child if they aren't ready to be committed or treat them as their own if you just don't feel that connection with someone that isn't your child than why adopt that's just cruel . If I are were you id speak to a lawyer and verify that your mother trully didn't leave you anything
I am so embarrassed that parents, adoptive or not, could act this way. I am heartbroken for you. Other commenters have good ideas about handling tuition depending on your country and situation. And there are some great ideas (assuming uni is for you, which isn't necessary to be happy btw). Sadly, we can't change the people around us. But you can build your own "family" - the people I consider family are the special and kind ones who have stayed by my side and made me feel loved. I married my best friend and I can count on my mates for anything.
Those people received tax credits for that kid. He should sue them for that money.
And you sir, get an internet reward for most comically terrible internet advise in the comment section!
Load More Replies... Typically I might not side with an entitled kid but in this case I absolutely will. Their kids should be treated reasonably equal, and this isn't the case, they were adopted so they ARE their kid, it's not a Foster care situation. Especially since they found money to buy one a condo as well as college.... I see a toxic environment here.
I'm so sorry you are going through this! Oldest of 5 sibling's I am the only one expected to do it on my own. Didn't and still haven't while the siblings with funds have education and careers
Even among biological siblings, there is always a favorite (and a least loved). The child that learns to succeed without any help is the one who grows up to be smarter, stronger, and independant. The child who is tied to Daddy's wallet will always be a child.
What fortunate cookie did you get that from? Implying that it's better for kids to simply struggle and parents who allow them to are doing them a favor, actually, is practically handing every lousy parent who ever existed a free gift-wrapped pass to keep on being lousy. Besides, the issue here isn't is OP better off because his adoptive parents aren't helping him financially, it's are they a**holes for helping their biological kids while *not* helping their adopted son? And the answer is yes, they are. Biological or not, you treat *all* your kids the same in these kinds of matters, otherwise you run the risk of othering them and making them feel less than. Adopted kids are already more likely to have psychological issues when it comes to the way in which they view their place within their families, and mom and dad playing favorites is only going to to contribute to those issues.
Load More Replies... Excuse me?! This is like telling a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship to be grateful for what she has as "at least he doesn't hit you". OP said they were always 3rd wheel. If you think the bare minimum is fine for adoptive children, then for the love of God don't adopt!
Load More Replies... This is the perfect example of why you should not adopt orphans. They will eventually spit back at your face for all the kidness and support you gave them. Perso in this case is so entitled. It never crossed his mind that parents do not own indefinite support.
Tomas, he didn't ask for "indefinite support." You sound like a very bitter and unhappy person to be dumping all over this poor kid who just wanted to be treated like he was part of the family.
Load More Replies... It is strange and unfortunate that a family would adopt a child at age 4 yet treat them differently than their biological children at college tuition time. If I was the OP, I would be frustrated. That said, it is likely that nothing will come of shaming the parents for this. I would let them know I was very grateful for their having cared for him with food, shelter and hopefully love via the adoption. After that, I would let the unfairness propel me to do my very best to make my way on my own and succeed in life. No doubt, although grateful for the years 4-17, it would have lasting less than desirable ramifications on how I felt about the situation as a whole.
Don't be an entitled prick You need college to make it ahead in life, their biological kids were lucky to have good parents, not so with a load of kids in student debt now bec they didn't have parents adopted or biological who funded their college. Ignore and make your own life
Maybe they're broke now. Not everyone gets to go to college, but life isn't over.
Nope. Reading clarifies this. They are very comfortable.
Load More Replies... It is child who wants to be loved and supported by parents. They treat him as neighbour's kid. He is alone. Please, don't forget who is adult here and who teenager in this story.
Load More Replies... If they were treating him as one their own, they would have given him some cash. (I don't know why I thought the article said "17f", but I fixed the pronouns)
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