Women Post What’s On Their Mental Checklist To Feel Safe, And It’s Horrific That All Women Relate To It
Sarah Everard’s disappearance on March 3 has put the discussion about sexual harassment, assault, and kidnapping in the spotlight in the UK. Women have been coming forward and sharing their experiences with being harassed. Meanwhile, others have been sharing the concerns they have for their safety every day. Below you will find some of the mental checklists that women run through to stay safe, as well as their stories about what it’s like to constantly live in fear. This particular discussion was started up by left-wing activist and human rights barrister Harriet Johnson on Twitter.
33-year-old marketing executive Sarah was last seen in Clapham, in south London. Since then, a senior London Metropolitan Police officer has been arrested in a house in Kent while human remains have been found in a wooded area in the city. It has just been confirmed that the remains are those of the missing woman.
Plan International UK explained to Bored Panda that self-defense lessons may help women feel safer and more empowered. However, defense tools like mace and pepper spray are illegal in the UK. If you feel threatened or if you are in immediate danger, call 999 in the UK.
Meanwhile, Jorge Arteaga, the Deputy Director at ‘Hollaback!’ told Bored Panda that women should be able to walk safely without fear of being harmed or harassed because of who they are or how they identify. “I think Covid restrictions have possibly created some unsafe situations. A personal example I can share is here in NYC where I live. The subway system ridership drop to below 50% usage over the pandemic because less people are in the city, or are afraid to take public transportation, and one of the restrictions placed stopped train service from 1- 5 AM and reduced schedules. This led to unsafe conditions in the subway system.”
After Sarah Everard’s disappearance, women have been sharing what they do to stay safe on the streets
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A representative of Plan International UK gave victims of public sexual harassment some advice to keep in mind that may be helpful: “You are not to blame for the harassment you experience. Only the harasser is to blame, and only their behavior should change. Trust your instincts, if something feels not right then it probably isn’t. You are not alone. Unfortunately, half of the girls in the UK experienced public sexual harassment this summer. This means there are lots of people and places you can reach out to for support and solidarity.”
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Every instance of public sexual harassment is different, therefore, unfortunately, the only piece of advice that Plan International UK can give everyone is to try to leave the situation safely. “This is because it depends on many factors including how serious or unsafe the incident is, how the individual girl feels, and where it is happening—we would not want to suggest any action that could further escalate the situation. However, if you feel threatened in the moment or you are in immediate danger, call 999.”
What’s more, you can report the event to the police, and here are some steps that you can take that will help later on. “Make Notes. Always write down the time, location, and a description of what has happened as soon as you feel able to do so. Send it by email to yourself or take a photograph of any notes so there is a time-stamping. You may be able to refer to contemporaneous notes later if necessary to help remind you of critical details you noticed when it was fresh in your mind. Try to be as factual as you can: this happened, then that happened, and these were the details, and this is how I felt.”
If you’re a victim of public sexual harassment, you should also tell someone you trust about this. “That might be critical supportive evidence later. You can also write to local councilors or your MP about the incident. If it is carried out by an identifiable employee, you could also write to their employer asking for measures to be taken,” Plan International UK said.
“Seek support and comfort. Do not suffer alone in silence. Experience of other forms of abuse shows that one of the most frightening things is to carry the burden of what has happened on your own. Part of the damaging effects of abusive behavior is that it can be isolating and create an unwarranted sense of shame in you. There are various ways to find support. If you’ve experienced public sexual harassment and need to talk to someone, you can call Childline on 0800 1111 or visit their website.”
Plan International UK explained that not all forms of public sexual harassment are currently illegal. “Girls have told us that they’ve been turned away by the police when they have tried to report it. This is why we are running the #CrimeNotCompliment campaign to call for new, clearer legislation to make public sexual harassment a specific criminal offense. We would encourage all to join the campaign here.” Plan International UK has partnered up in the campaign together with Our Streets Now.
Some women have also shared their own experiences being harassed and assaulted
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“Sarah’s disappearance in these awful and wicked circumstances is every family’s worst nightmare,” the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, Cressida Dick, said.
Dick explained that it’s still “incredibly rare” for a woman to be abducted in the streets of London. However, she pointed out that she understands that many women are afraid for their safety after recent events. “I completely understand that despite this, women in London and the wider public—particularly those in the area where Sarah went missing—will be worried and may well be feeling scared.”
Sarah was spotted on doorbell video footage at around 9:30 p.m. on March 3, walking home from a friend’s house. Her family became worried and raised the alarm after she’d not been in contact with her friends since then.
On March 9, police arrested a member of the Parliamentary and Diplomatic Protection Command who is in his 40s.
“Reclaim These Streets” is organizing a series of vigils all over the UK to highlight women’s safety. However, the police have pointed out that due to Covid restrictions, it’s illegal to do so in London at the moment. The organizers of the vigils plan to take this to the High Court.
“Remember that it’s not your fault”
In a previous interview, Bored Panda spoke about street harassment with Emily May, the Co-Founder and Executive Director at ‘Hollaback!’
“Street harassment is sexual, gender-based, and bias-motivated harassment that takes place in public spaces like the street, the supermarket, and the social media we use every day. At its core is a power dynamic that constantly reminds historically subordinated groups of our vulnerability to assault in public spaces. Street harassment can happen to anyone, but disproportionately punishes women, girls, LGBTQ+ people, and other marginalized groups for being themselves in the world,” May said.
“Street harassment is on a spectrum of gender-based violence. At one end of the spectrum, we have examples like inappropriate gestures, staring, whistling, following, and comments about your appearance or identity,” May told Bored Panda.
“As we move along the spectrum we start to see more severe forms of street harassment like public exposure and groping that are illegal. We include these behaviors in how we define street harassment because they are so common, pervasive, and rarely reported to authorities.”
Street harassment, according to May, is at its core all about power dynamics. “If street harassment were about getting dates, it would be what author Marty Langelan calls a ‘spectacularly unsuccessful strategy.’ Instead, street harassment is about ‘putting people in their place.’ Remember that it’s not your fault. And because it’s not your fault, it’s also not your responsibility to have the perfect response to street harassment. It’s their responsibility not to harass you.”
May highlighted to Bored Panda that everyone is vulnerable to street harassment to some extent. However, research shows that those who are aware of their surroundings, walk confidently, and respond to harassment with confidence are less vulnerable than others.
“Nevertheless, direct confrontations with people who harass can escalate, particularly if you are alone or in an unpopulated space. While it is each individual’s right to decide when, how, and whether to respond to street harassment, it’s important to prioritize your safety and wellbeing,” May said.
‘Hollaback!’ Co-Founder May said that when you find you’re harassed on the street, the first thing that you should do is trust your instincts. You and you alone should decide how you react. If you feel safe, you can try documenting the situation; however, your safety is your priority.
Women really do these things... please don't belittle their experiences just because you yourself haven't had to do it. If you haven't then you are lucky. I grew up in places people would consider "safe" yet I was taught these things; it can and does happen everywhere. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a car park in daylight. She screamed and was rescued by a man who heard her screams, who then chased down her attacker. He was caught and jailed. The thing that she struggled with was that she felt she had done everything right; she parked in a busy, well lit car park, she had her keys in her hand, she had left before it got dark... she felt she had to tell people this in case they suggested that she was in some way U.K. blame. Victim shaming is very real which is just appalling.
Yes, women do all of these things in order to feel safe and that should not be belittled. Every evening when I enter my apartment, I check every room in my apartment and then text my sister that I made it in safely. This is one of the things that make us both feel more secure in our homes.
Smart
It is appalling, you are correct. I have not had to do any of these yet (mostly because I am 16 and I rarely go around by myself for these reasons) but I certainly would not use that as a reason to believe that kind of stuff rarely happens.
A creepy guy tried to follow me home just today. I saw him in a store and he followed me and stared at me, so I left. He followed me out then as I drove away he got in his vehicle and followed me more. I went through a drive thru and he still followed me. I took a long way past multiple car dealerships and he still followed. Finally I turned into the parking lot of the state patrol and he finally zoomed off. I took a very loopy windy way home to make triple sure he was no longer following me. I looked down every side street and every parked car. Now I'm lying in bed with a loaded gun on my nightstand. Probably won't sleep tonight.
I’m so sorry you went through this. Be well and safe my sister!
Hurray for what you did to stay safe. Keep being smart.
I'm pretty sure I've done all of these except worrying about giving taxi drivers my address. I always sit in the back though, while my husband sits next to the driver when he catches a cab alone. Although I haven't needed to catch a cab alone in years, so maybe the Uber days are different.
Don't think Uber will be more safe. You're very wrong.
I like the lack of voting. Less room for the misogynists and incels to blabber their nonsense. F**k them.
*gulp* I'm lucky. This doesn't happen at all in my area of residence and security is everywhere. Even if it did, I know how to defend myself. This is messed up.
It can be so dangerous.
It's truly horrible what some people have to do only to feel safe(r). It's wrong and should never happen to anyone. I feel very lucky indeed because I cannot relate. But many do and it's awful :(
Don't say you can't relate. You can't really have total confidence in everyone. There's family members, friends and even police that have turned on people and hurt them. Never stop looking out for yourself. It's the way of life.
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I think the point is, the article is saying every single woman known to man has experienced it. Then a woman who has not is like no, no I haven't. So I see what you're saying. But to say every single woman has, just isn't true. So why lie and say that? When you can actually be truthful and say most women have or the majority. . It just speaks to the truth more and I know a few women who have not and it just isn't right to lie. Words matter and I think that is a lot of people's point. So I understand both sides.
There is almost no way that a woman can reach adulthood and not have had to do one of these things at least once. Even if they don't think about it, even just locking your car the moment you sit down is insanely common.
I haven't. But again I'm not all women. Which is my point. I'm from a small town and pretty secluded for the most part. I have never felt like this but I know other women have. But I can say myself and a few other women I know have never done these things. I'm not in anyway taking away from other women. By sharing my experience as well.
I live in a very small down in the mountains of the south, I'm 17 and I looked behind me constantly, my dad hates it if I don't bring a knife with me if I go out. he doesn't like me going on when it's dark. I have constant thought of if I get kidnapped or if someone follows me home, what will I do. I've walked with my brother and they never look around them, and pick on me because of the anxiety of being followed.
It strikes me sometimes when I go out at night -- to run to the store to get something -- how completely safe I am. As a white man the worst I could ever expect is to be mugged and at 52 that has never happened. I've lived in Toronto and Montreal and spent several months in Berlin and I have never felt unsafe at night by myself. And it's easy to be complacent in my privilege. I'm white so I don't fear the police and I'm a man so I don't fear men. But I have realized when I freely run to the store at 1am to get milk, and doing so without a second thought, that my friends who are women, or black, or trans, cannot do that. They would have to wait until daylight. Once I understood this I finally understood privilege. I know some reading this will accuse me of virtue signally, or white knighting, or being woke, as if having empathy was a bad thing. But once you understand privilege you realize it's not about being ashamed to be a white man or to apologize but to listen and to act.
I think you hit the nail on the head
I hope not too hard. Poor nail might get a headache. Cliches...
Thanks for thinking about it. I looked at this list as and thought 'I don't do that' but then I realised... even in daylight I didn't feel safe... When I lived in the US I used to walk along this interurban trail to my finances work a few times a week at lunchtime, 2kms or so... it had lots of people walking and biking etc but some stretches of the walk it was just me... Any time I saw a car or a man in the distance I'd switch to the main road or walk with my phone ready to call for help. I worried constantly even walking this route so often meant someone might take note and wait for me one day... Now I'm in Australia I don't go for walks by myself even though I love walking... Even during the day. And it's supposed to be safer here!
Even walking with male friends I (female) felt nervous as hell in Toronto. I can't imagine walking alone there at night. I live about 2 hours from Toronto, in a smaller city. It's getting worse every day here so I can't go out alone when it's dark anymore. It sucks because I like night walks better than daytime walks.
I now live in Waterloo, a small city, and I have friends here who just don't feel safe at night. Even when there's lots of people around, they may be relatively safe from physical attack but they're still verbally harassed.
Thank you for this.
There's plenty of white people who have gotten killed or even kidnapped and tortured. So go ahead and continue feeling "privileged. It can happen at any time or age. Then again you may get lucky and you'll get through life without something happening.
I don’t resent you for it, I think it’s good for you to feel so safe like that. I just wish I felt the same! I don’t think I ever have. Even when I go out alone and say “I don’t care! I’ll pepper spray someone!” I know I’m still a target.
You are not completely safe Mark,no one is, you just haven't had the misfortune of coming across someone who wants to do you harm. Bad people are out there,always looking for opportunities....be it mugging,rape,murder or just plain violence they are there....The only men that are going to be receptive to making women feel safer are the men who wouldn't be a threat in the first place....so what can we do as a society? I wish beat coppers were a more common sight on streets at night that's for sure.
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I was mugged at gun point as a man, how is this different? Am I less important, or does my fear of being killed less intense? Fear is in itself a dangerous thing, telling women they should all be afriad isn't helping.
Do you ever look around? Leave the f*****g house? Bet you didn't get asked, "What were you wearing?" or heard people say, "We thought it was her boyfriend."
Yes. You’re less important. Obtuse idiots who purposefully miss the point are not important in life. Your fears are based in ignorance and you deserve to be afraid.
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What planet do you live on? Terry Crews was sexually assaulted and is a large black men. And then there’s all those victims of serial killers who were white men (I mean the victims were). As a white man, your only danger is NOT just to get mugged. You’re in as much danger as the rest of us, but with the added bonus of people making fun of you for being a victim.
I can tell EXACTLY what subreddits you post on.
You don’t care about Terry. Terry agrees with the point being made here and has talked about it a lot. “Large black men.” You’re definitely racist.
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don't buy the propaganda. you're several times more likely than a woman to get attacked or killed when you're out at night. ironically you feel safer than women do because nobody cares if men die so nobody's making you paranoid by freaking out every time a man dies.
Oh, thank God. The suspense of not knowing when a dude would come in to whine what about the men as if men aren't the problem in the first place was killing me.
No, nobody cares if YOU die. Big difference.
Teaching how to stay safe is all good but can we also teach men to not put women in danger in the first place?
Can actual rapists be taught though? I don't think predators of that magnitude can be taught. As for no predator males, they definitely should be taught boundaries, respect, and consent.
The next generations can be taught while they are little and their attitudes are forming. The grown up people can partially learn through effective consequences
Isn't that an oxymoron? If he doesn't know boundaries, respect or consent, he is already predator.
Many, many men will admit to actual rape as long as you don't use the "r"word.
men are taught that, you absolute moron.
And yet guess who commits most of the violent crimes against women? Guess the lesson didn't stick, moron.
Boy are you stupid. You think a criminal is going to allow anyone to teach them not to harm anyone. They have their own mentality of stealing, kidnapping, murder or just hurting people. Women do it to. Hello this is the real world.
They know. They just like it.
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We used to do that and you told us it was sexist
Well aren't you an idiot!
Women really do these things... please don't belittle their experiences just because you yourself haven't had to do it. If you haven't then you are lucky. I grew up in places people would consider "safe" yet I was taught these things; it can and does happen everywhere. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a car park in daylight. She screamed and was rescued by a man who heard her screams, who then chased down her attacker. He was caught and jailed. The thing that she struggled with was that she felt she had done everything right; she parked in a busy, well lit car park, she had her keys in her hand, she had left before it got dark... she felt she had to tell people this in case they suggested that she was in some way U.K. blame. Victim shaming is very real which is just appalling.
Yes, women do all of these things in order to feel safe and that should not be belittled. Every evening when I enter my apartment, I check every room in my apartment and then text my sister that I made it in safely. This is one of the things that make us both feel more secure in our homes.
Smart
It is appalling, you are correct. I have not had to do any of these yet (mostly because I am 16 and I rarely go around by myself for these reasons) but I certainly would not use that as a reason to believe that kind of stuff rarely happens.
A creepy guy tried to follow me home just today. I saw him in a store and he followed me and stared at me, so I left. He followed me out then as I drove away he got in his vehicle and followed me more. I went through a drive thru and he still followed me. I took a long way past multiple car dealerships and he still followed. Finally I turned into the parking lot of the state patrol and he finally zoomed off. I took a very loopy windy way home to make triple sure he was no longer following me. I looked down every side street and every parked car. Now I'm lying in bed with a loaded gun on my nightstand. Probably won't sleep tonight.
I’m so sorry you went through this. Be well and safe my sister!
Hurray for what you did to stay safe. Keep being smart.
I'm pretty sure I've done all of these except worrying about giving taxi drivers my address. I always sit in the back though, while my husband sits next to the driver when he catches a cab alone. Although I haven't needed to catch a cab alone in years, so maybe the Uber days are different.
Don't think Uber will be more safe. You're very wrong.
I like the lack of voting. Less room for the misogynists and incels to blabber their nonsense. F**k them.
*gulp* I'm lucky. This doesn't happen at all in my area of residence and security is everywhere. Even if it did, I know how to defend myself. This is messed up.
It can be so dangerous.
It's truly horrible what some people have to do only to feel safe(r). It's wrong and should never happen to anyone. I feel very lucky indeed because I cannot relate. But many do and it's awful :(
Don't say you can't relate. You can't really have total confidence in everyone. There's family members, friends and even police that have turned on people and hurt them. Never stop looking out for yourself. It's the way of life.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I think the point is, the article is saying every single woman known to man has experienced it. Then a woman who has not is like no, no I haven't. So I see what you're saying. But to say every single woman has, just isn't true. So why lie and say that? When you can actually be truthful and say most women have or the majority. . It just speaks to the truth more and I know a few women who have not and it just isn't right to lie. Words matter and I think that is a lot of people's point. So I understand both sides.
There is almost no way that a woman can reach adulthood and not have had to do one of these things at least once. Even if they don't think about it, even just locking your car the moment you sit down is insanely common.
I haven't. But again I'm not all women. Which is my point. I'm from a small town and pretty secluded for the most part. I have never felt like this but I know other women have. But I can say myself and a few other women I know have never done these things. I'm not in anyway taking away from other women. By sharing my experience as well.
I live in a very small down in the mountains of the south, I'm 17 and I looked behind me constantly, my dad hates it if I don't bring a knife with me if I go out. he doesn't like me going on when it's dark. I have constant thought of if I get kidnapped or if someone follows me home, what will I do. I've walked with my brother and they never look around them, and pick on me because of the anxiety of being followed.
It strikes me sometimes when I go out at night -- to run to the store to get something -- how completely safe I am. As a white man the worst I could ever expect is to be mugged and at 52 that has never happened. I've lived in Toronto and Montreal and spent several months in Berlin and I have never felt unsafe at night by myself. And it's easy to be complacent in my privilege. I'm white so I don't fear the police and I'm a man so I don't fear men. But I have realized when I freely run to the store at 1am to get milk, and doing so without a second thought, that my friends who are women, or black, or trans, cannot do that. They would have to wait until daylight. Once I understood this I finally understood privilege. I know some reading this will accuse me of virtue signally, or white knighting, or being woke, as if having empathy was a bad thing. But once you understand privilege you realize it's not about being ashamed to be a white man or to apologize but to listen and to act.
I think you hit the nail on the head
I hope not too hard. Poor nail might get a headache. Cliches...
Thanks for thinking about it. I looked at this list as and thought 'I don't do that' but then I realised... even in daylight I didn't feel safe... When I lived in the US I used to walk along this interurban trail to my finances work a few times a week at lunchtime, 2kms or so... it had lots of people walking and biking etc but some stretches of the walk it was just me... Any time I saw a car or a man in the distance I'd switch to the main road or walk with my phone ready to call for help. I worried constantly even walking this route so often meant someone might take note and wait for me one day... Now I'm in Australia I don't go for walks by myself even though I love walking... Even during the day. And it's supposed to be safer here!
Even walking with male friends I (female) felt nervous as hell in Toronto. I can't imagine walking alone there at night. I live about 2 hours from Toronto, in a smaller city. It's getting worse every day here so I can't go out alone when it's dark anymore. It sucks because I like night walks better than daytime walks.
I now live in Waterloo, a small city, and I have friends here who just don't feel safe at night. Even when there's lots of people around, they may be relatively safe from physical attack but they're still verbally harassed.
Thank you for this.
There's plenty of white people who have gotten killed or even kidnapped and tortured. So go ahead and continue feeling "privileged. It can happen at any time or age. Then again you may get lucky and you'll get through life without something happening.
I don’t resent you for it, I think it’s good for you to feel so safe like that. I just wish I felt the same! I don’t think I ever have. Even when I go out alone and say “I don’t care! I’ll pepper spray someone!” I know I’m still a target.
You are not completely safe Mark,no one is, you just haven't had the misfortune of coming across someone who wants to do you harm. Bad people are out there,always looking for opportunities....be it mugging,rape,murder or just plain violence they are there....The only men that are going to be receptive to making women feel safer are the men who wouldn't be a threat in the first place....so what can we do as a society? I wish beat coppers were a more common sight on streets at night that's for sure.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
I was mugged at gun point as a man, how is this different? Am I less important, or does my fear of being killed less intense? Fear is in itself a dangerous thing, telling women they should all be afriad isn't helping.
Do you ever look around? Leave the f*****g house? Bet you didn't get asked, "What were you wearing?" or heard people say, "We thought it was her boyfriend."
Yes. You’re less important. Obtuse idiots who purposefully miss the point are not important in life. Your fears are based in ignorance and you deserve to be afraid.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
What planet do you live on? Terry Crews was sexually assaulted and is a large black men. And then there’s all those victims of serial killers who were white men (I mean the victims were). As a white man, your only danger is NOT just to get mugged. You’re in as much danger as the rest of us, but with the added bonus of people making fun of you for being a victim.
I can tell EXACTLY what subreddits you post on.
You don’t care about Terry. Terry agrees with the point being made here and has talked about it a lot. “Large black men.” You’re definitely racist.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
don't buy the propaganda. you're several times more likely than a woman to get attacked or killed when you're out at night. ironically you feel safer than women do because nobody cares if men die so nobody's making you paranoid by freaking out every time a man dies.
Oh, thank God. The suspense of not knowing when a dude would come in to whine what about the men as if men aren't the problem in the first place was killing me.
No, nobody cares if YOU die. Big difference.
Teaching how to stay safe is all good but can we also teach men to not put women in danger in the first place?
Can actual rapists be taught though? I don't think predators of that magnitude can be taught. As for no predator males, they definitely should be taught boundaries, respect, and consent.
The next generations can be taught while they are little and their attitudes are forming. The grown up people can partially learn through effective consequences
Isn't that an oxymoron? If he doesn't know boundaries, respect or consent, he is already predator.
Many, many men will admit to actual rape as long as you don't use the "r"word.
men are taught that, you absolute moron.
And yet guess who commits most of the violent crimes against women? Guess the lesson didn't stick, moron.
Boy are you stupid. You think a criminal is going to allow anyone to teach them not to harm anyone. They have their own mentality of stealing, kidnapping, murder or just hurting people. Women do it to. Hello this is the real world.
They know. They just like it.
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
We used to do that and you told us it was sexist
Well aren't you an idiot!