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Woman Considers Going No-Contact With Mom After She Comes For Her $150k Lawsuit Payout: “I Gave Her Life”
Suddenly coming into a significant sum of money can instantly change your life. New opportunities may appear, and your financial stresses may vanish overnight. But all of your problems probably won’t melt away, especially if friends and family members decide to start treating you differently.
One woman found that out the hard way after being awarded a large amount of money from a lawsuit. When her mother found out, she decided that she was entitled to some of that cash too. Below, you’ll find the full story that was posted on Reddit, as well as a conversation with money coach and therapist Fanny Snaith about how to establish boundaries with family members.
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Coming into a large sum of money as a college student can really change your life
Image credits: Element5 Digital/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
This young woman wanted to use the money she won in a lawsuit for college, but her mother had other plans
Image credits: cottonbro studio/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: LSouthRanger7084
Image credits: LinkedIn Sales Solutions/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Financial coach and therapist Fanny Snaith says it’s important to communicate in cases like this
“Setting boundaries with family members and friends is really important,” money coach and therapist Fanny Snaith tells Bored Panda. She says that whether a family member feels entitled to another’s money depends on their history.
However, Snaith emphasizes the importance of communication. “What seems to be lacking here is discussion – yet expectation is present. Conversations around money are so important, yet people find them hard to initiate. My advice would be to find the right time for the conversation, [and] ask the other person.”
Snaith says the person should clearly state to the family member the reason for the conversation. She gives a possible script: “Mom, I have received this money, and I want to discuss with you my intentions for it. I want to feel happy about it, so it is important to me that you understand my feelings about it and that I understand yours – with the idea that we can agree.”
Generally, Snaith recommends that any financial transactions between family members happen as formally as possible. “If lending, write a one-page contract as to how the loan will work – I have one with my daughter with the money I lent her for her car,” she gives a personal example.
“If giving the money, state clearly whether there are any strings attached – make this very clear. Resentment comes very easily when lending with a hidden agenda that is not met,” the financial coach explains.
For those who suddenly come into a large sum of money, Fanny Snaith recommends working out your goals. “Take some advice from a financial advisor, for instance,” she advises. “Consider if locking it away will work for you – investing means locking money away for a minimum of 5 years, ideally 10.”
“Decisions around what to do with money are based on many things – age, attitude to risk, long-term intention for the money, etc. All those things need [consideration] before making decisions.”
Image credits: CDC/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Whether children feel like they owe their parents money or gratitude depends on their culture and their upbringing
Navigating boundaries around money with parents can be difficult. Some parents might feel they’re owed financial assistance from their kids because they provided for their children growing up. But experts say that it’s important to set financial boundaries with all family members, including parents.
Making children feel like they owe their parents a debt for raising them is not only selfish but unhealthy as well. An associate professor of philosophy at the University of Colorado, Boulder, Iskra Fileva, writes that it’s not okay, even when it’s not among family members. “The cost of paying a debt of gratitude must not be a burden that makes the other wish you’d never done anything for them to begin with,” she claims.
Of course, this also depends on cultural and social aspects. Every family is different, and what’s appropriate to some may seem overboard to others. Yet, according to Money Digest, children shouldn’t feel pressure to give their parents money. They should express gratitude in ways that feel appropriate to them.
Ultimately, whether the child wants to help their parents when they’re an adult depends on what their childhood was like. “As an adult child, how much you feel you owe your parents depends on how you were raised,” Social Psychologist Dr. Susan Newman, author of Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily, told Fatherly. “If you had an absent dad, you’re going to feel quite differently and may be reluctant to feel you owe him anything, versus a mom who was always there.”
People encouraged the young woman and told her she was not the jerk in this situation
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What do you think ?
Trillian 13 hours ago
Children get no say in being born, therefore they don't owe their parents anything. If the mom had gone into debt to pay for her daughter's schooling, then it would have been appropriate to help with the money from the payout. But so mom can have "spending money"?? No, and weird to ask for.
Tabitha 11 hours ago
And $25 grand in spending money to boot? And for “giving her life”, ffs? Aw hell NO. I can see helping her mother with something like an unexpected bill, or paying Mom back for moving OP back home and taking excellent care of her while she recovered after the accident, or anything where her mother selflessly gave OP her time/effort/money to ease her convalescence, or just because she was an awesome mother who did so much for OP her whole life. Sure. But out of the clear blue sky thinking she’s owed $25,000 just because she got pregnant with OP? When OP was born, abortion was an available option to her mother., so if she didn’t want the “burden” of raising a child, she didn’t have to have the child. If that wasn’t on her radar, then she could’ve adopted OP out after she was born. Mom had options, and chose to have and raise OP—-and al that that entails. OP did not ask for any of that, therefore doesn’t owe her mother a wad of cash to throw away on a “spending spree”.
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KatSaidThat 12 hours ago
"I gave birth to you" - yeah, I don't remember asking you to do that.
Orion Red 5 hours ago
the only claim that I would even consider was if the mom had paid the college costs so far. I didn't read that this is what happened though. but I recognize people treating this kind of settlement as a lottery win. it's not a windfall. it's compensation for something that happened.
Trillian 13 hours ago
Children get no say in being born, therefore they don't owe their parents anything. If the mom had gone into debt to pay for her daughter's schooling, then it would have been appropriate to help with the money from the payout. But so mom can have "spending money"?? No, and weird to ask for.
Tabitha 11 hours ago
And $25 grand in spending money to boot? And for “giving her life”, ffs? Aw hell NO. I can see helping her mother with something like an unexpected bill, or paying Mom back for moving OP back home and taking excellent care of her while she recovered after the accident, or anything where her mother selflessly gave OP her time/effort/money to ease her convalescence, or just because she was an awesome mother who did so much for OP her whole life. Sure. But out of the clear blue sky thinking she’s owed $25,000 just because she got pregnant with OP? When OP was born, abortion was an available option to her mother., so if she didn’t want the “burden” of raising a child, she didn’t have to have the child. If that wasn’t on her radar, then she could’ve adopted OP out after she was born. Mom had options, and chose to have and raise OP—-and al that that entails. OP did not ask for any of that, therefore doesn’t owe her mother a wad of cash to throw away on a “spending spree”.
Load More Replies... KatSaidThat 12 hours ago
"I gave birth to you" - yeah, I don't remember asking you to do that.
Orion Red 5 hours ago
the only claim that I would even consider was if the mom had paid the college costs so far. I didn't read that this is what happened though. but I recognize people treating this kind of settlement as a lottery win. it's not a windfall. it's compensation for something that happened.
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