Woman’s Fiancé Plans To Take Her Last Name, Family Drama Ensues When Her Brother And Father Find Out
Being married means something different to every couple. For some, it begins the first chapter of living together. While for others, it changes just about nothing about their everyday lives, except they have shiny new rings on their fingers as a symbol of their long lasting love. But aside from the tangible shifts that come when a couple ties the knot, including a possible move or wearing a little more jewelry, there is another change that many couples consider: whether or not they will share the same surname.
One engaged woman reached out on Reddit asking if she was in the wrong for planning to pass her last name onto her soon-to-be husband, after she learned that her brother and father were not on board with the idea. Below, you can read the full story, as well as some of the replies her post has received, and let us know your thoughts in the comments. If you are married or plan to be at some point, we would love to hear how you handled or intend to handle the surname situation, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing why some women choose not to take their husband’s last name, look no further than right here.
After facing opposition from her family members, this woman is wondering if she’s wrong for planning to give her fiancé her last name
Image credits: Andre Furtado (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Danny Doneo (not the actual photo)
She later posted an update on the situation
Image credits: agirlhasnoname_2
Typically, when a married couple consists of a man and a woman, the woman agrees to take her husband’s last name. In fact, 70% of married women in the US have taken their husband’s surname, and nearly 90% of married women in the UK have done the same. However, there are no real rules when it comes to who can take whose name, and a wife has just as much right to share her last name with her husband as the other way around. Just because it is expected for the wife to change her name (or add her husband’s name onto the end) does not mean there is anything wrong with doing things differently.
The tradition of women taking on their husbands’ names dates all the way back to the 11th century. According to Brides.com, following the Norman Conquest, the Normans introduced the idea of “coverture”, or the idea that after becoming married a woman becomes a possession of her husband. Because of this, a woman’s identity would be “covered”, or essentially erased, by her husband, and she would no longer be able to own property or enter into contracts of her own. She would have almost no legal or financial rights, including to her children. Eventually, these coverture practices became outdated, but the societal expectation for a wife to take her husband’s last name has persisted. Even 60 years ago, married women could not get passports, driver’s licenses or register to vote unless they used their husband’s last name. So if you’ve always assumed that a woman should take a man’s name “out of tradition”, it might be interesting to know what sorts of traditions you are upholding. You might not agree with them after all.
While stories like this one, where the man decides to take his wife’s last name, are much less common, they do happen. About 3% of married men have changed their surname to their wife’s. This decision does often come with a bit of stigma though, as people tend to not understand people who make decisions that go against the grain. To explain why this was the right choice for himself, and perhaps many other couples, one man, Sean Michael Wellington, wrote a piece for Essence about how he took his wife’s last name.
Sean explained that he had never even considered the idea until he heard that actress Zoe Saldana’s husband took her last name after they got married in 2015. That sparked an idea within him, and although he was proud of his own last name, he knew that his wife only had sisters and that nobody would be passing on their family name if each of them decided to take their husbands’ names. He also noted that he took the name out of respect for his father-in-law, who survived the infamous Kendall Train Crash in Jamaica over 50 years ago. “Had he not had the resilience and good fortune to survive this horrific crash, I wouldn’t have Simone in my life. To me, taking on the Wellington last name is a small gesture of respect,” Sean explained.
This day in age, it’s important for couples to make decisions for themselves, not to appease society or their relatives. If it makes more sense for them to share the wife’s last name, more power to them. There’s no need for us to worry about what is most common or what is expected, especially when there are plenty of couples out there made up of two husbands or two wives. They shouldn’t feel pressure to take one specific person’s last name, and neither should anyone else. We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments, and if you are married or plan to be soon, feel free to share how you and your partner worked out the surname situation.
Many readers assured the woman that she did nothing wrong, agreeing that it is sexist to assume she has to take her husband’s name
Back in the early nineties, I worked with a woman who had an only child, a daughter. Her husband was the last male in his family, so thought his family name would die with him. Their daughter grew up, got her education, started working, hadn’t gotten married but wanted to have a child. She went the sperm bank route and got pregnant. When she found out she was having a boy, and knew she would be passing her last name on to her son, she told her father the family name was going to live on. Last names can be carried on by daughters too. The patriarchy can just suck it.
A guy I knew back in school took his wife’s name. His father abandoned him as a young child, his stepfather was in jail for raping his sisters and he wasn’t too happy with his mother for not defending them. His wife’s family was lovely and although they found it a bit weird at first, they came around to the idea.
When my husband and I got married, I thought it was BS that I had to change my name, and the only fair thing to do was choose an arbitrary name that we both agreed on. That’s how the Murderkatt family was born.
This is a "there's nothing you can do about it" kind of situation. They'll get over it in time. Also, what if your brother and his wife decided not to have children? Or if they did and only gave birth to girls? But then you and your husband had a boy... bet they'd want the last name to live on then.
I'd like to think that it was just a knee jerk reaction on the brother's part. Hopefully, when he's calmed down, heard all the reasons and thought about the brother will adjust his attitude. One thing is for sure is that she wasn't asking anyone's permission.
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NTA. A friend of mine was in the same position. Her husband-to-be had a toxic family, and he preferred to take her name, as her family was close. No one had a problem with it.
I had a boss years ago whose last name was some (apologizes in advance for this comment) unsightly long a** eastern Eastern European jumble that mixed letters in nonhuman ways that should have been illegal under multiple UN treaties. His wife's name was four letters that anyone could spell without asking. Dr. Four (not real name) was a great guy.
I know someone who not only had a nightmare eastern European name her parents decided to double hyphen both Slavic nightmare last names. Guess who changed her name without much second thought.
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I appreciate the fact that you two have even put so much thought into this. It's usually assumed that the wife will take the husband's last name. I am really enjoying reading this thoughtful thread as it inspires me to consider these ideas for myself. There are some really valid points made! Makes me realize how much BS exists in our culture. Please keep us updated 🙂.
Does her brother get worked up over other people who share the same last name? Ridiculous!🙄
Load More Replies...
I've been doing a lot of genealogical research in the past few years. In Jewish families in the Russian Empire, it wasn't at all rare for men to take their wife's surname.
Any Joe Shmoe off the street can change their name to hers; the guys are being dumb.
Good example of patriarchy being subconsciously entrenched in culture. Brother and dad have an immediate "ugh, no" reaction, but really there's no reason for it.
I always love how people assume they will have children and that one of those children will, obviously, be a boy and that boy will, naturally, want children... She just upped the odds the family name survives at all.
In Nigeria if a woman doesn't want to take on her husband's last name because she doesn't want to be tied to the family. Than husband is supposed to change his name before the wedding by dropping his last name and making his first name his last name as well. Say someone's name is Thomas Ben Musa he will change his name to Thomas Ben Thomas.
My husband also took my family last name. His family was minor upset but at the end of the day we love our last names and that's all that matters
It's easier to track families through the males last names and the woman's mitochondrial DNA. But seriously, a random stranger could like their last name and decide to adopt it and legally change their name to match. Seems like the bro and dad being possessive and entitled over the family name is the only reasoning for the upset over the fiancé taking on her name
'My father and brother are amazing people and husband's' as long as you stay in your lane, little lady. Your brother is way too emotionally invested in being the ONLY one to carry on the family name. Does it occur to him that if he has a brother who was getting married and the new wife was taking his name this probably wouldn't even be a discussion. Why does he think the random dice throws of conception get him a special privilege that half of Western men don't have.
One of my best friends (may you rest easy old friend) took his wife's last name because he liked her last name and his last name was very common and generic. I always thought it was interesting and never thought any less of him for it. To each their own
Here's a new idea: let's stop changing names of adults. We all keep our birth names when we marry. Those who demand a name change can always. hyphenate. Problem solved.
When I got married, it was with the knowledge that we were both keeping our own names. These days with all the different accounts and stuff, it just doesn't make sense to change it.
I created my daughter's last name with the two ppl I loved the most that was deceased. I was just going to give her both of their last names but than she would have had to pick one to go by. I took my grandma on my mom side maiden name and my dad's name and added a - between them making 1 name. 18 years later when I was not planning to have no more I get pregnant with my son. My daughter is the only person with her name. My son's dad and I fell out from so many lies while I was pregnant I decided to not name my son after him. My daughter was going to give her 1st born son her last name to keep it going. So when I decided not to name him after his dad she asked me if he can have her name to keep it going. I said yes so now both of them has the name.
In Spain, and many post Spanish-colonial nations, it is typical for the name to become a hyphenated (and sometimes not) name made up from both.
I had my son when I was 17. I gave him my last name because I couldn't bear for him to grow up with his Father's. (LTS - incredibly abusive and completely psychotic, I left him before my son was even a year old. He died in prison in 2015, when my son was 35). My Dad asked me what his last name was and I said "ours". My Dad says, "Oh, so he's registered stock?"
One of my Sons just got married and he took his wife's last name. I totally understood why he wanted to change his last name. He in fact also changed his middle name to my husband's name. I had named him at birth his dad's name. And blah blah blah, he never paid child support and never saw my kids after they were 4 and 2 yrs of age. My son didn't want his birth name anymore and I fully understand that. So much more to the story but this was the jest of it.
You would think they would be happy having additional opportunitie. to pass on the name? If they aren't this is just Sexist. The brothers Response is Especially baffling? He just want to be more important? I can't even wrap my head around this. Even if you don't give your husband your last name you certainly can give that to your children.
What's the last name? I'm fixing to change my last name, I'd consider changing mine to yours. Tell you father and brother anybody can do this and there's nothing they can do about it!
I kept my name, my husband kept his. I have a distinctive, though male-sounding, name (I am a cis female), but I love my name. I was a 31 year-old established professional in my field at the time. This, coupled with my listing off to my soon to be husband all the "things" I would have to do to change/register my new name (prof. licenses, credit cards, social security etc), said "yeah that sounds like a pain in the a$#, don't do that". He's also perfectly secure in his masculinity. It doesn't make us less married though occasionally people will assume we are not married simply because of that. I even had one, verrrry young, girl say to me "I didn't even know you could do that" (keep your own name). Lol. :-/
I have a last name that I have to spell out constantly. But if I were to get married I would definitely keep it. And if significant other wanted, they would be welcome to take it as a hyphenate or entirely. However, I often use another name when ordering pizza. I just get tired of spelling it out all the time. 3 syllables, no waiting!
I read the article and the comments they chose to include. I just have one question for the board panda people. Why do 99% of the comments you choose have vulgarity in them? It makes your editors seem like little school boys that are trying to shock us. My question to the op would be this...is this a fight you want to fight? Is it worth the damage you are risking to do this? I can't answer for and neither can anyone else. I'm just giving some food for thought.
NTA, Anyone can change their name to (almost) anything, it's a ridiculous thing to argue about
I think her brother and sister-in-law are motivated purely by jealousy, not sexism. They saw their children as extra special, being the only grandchildren to carry the family name. They are upset that you have 'taken" that status away from them.
Wow. Families do like to argue about completely stupid bull$hit. I absolutely would not GAF what my father or brother, or anyone else, had to say about this issue. WHY does "America" feel WOMEN must give up their family name? Latinas keep their surnames when they marry -- oh, the horror!
This is utter stupidity. I'm the third of three daughters (no brother or cousins on my dad's side) and my sisters were both very "democratic" when choosing last names. The oldest agreed to take her husband's last name, if he also took hers. They kept his last (the most important in my country) but agreed to always sign and present themselves using both (also, his family has a tradition of keeping 4 surnames, so both my nieces on that side still have my surnames). The middle sister didn't take her husband's name and decided to have a bet on what surname the kids would have: if the first was a boy all the kids would have my sister's surname, if the first was a girl all the kids would have the dad's surname. The first was a girl (and so were the 2nd and 3rd) so all of them have my brother-in-law's surname. Fair is fair
NTA. My husband and I have been together 21 years. We did not take eachother's last names. However, I have 4 kids and they all have my last name with my husband's blessing. It's not been a big deal in his family and, if my family cares, they never mentioned it.
My daughter's fiance is Chinese, over there the wife keeps her maiden name and the husband keeps his. The kids gets dad's name.
That would be nice to change it to your name. Then at least 2 siblings could pass the name on should they have children. The dad and brother are not open minded to possibilities In the 21st century. Have fun with your options.
Where I live, I would have to legally change my name to take my husband's family name. As for children, we could choose: his, mine, or a hyphenation. We could have 4 kids with 4 last names: Smith, Jones, Smith-Jones, and Jones-Smith. It got so wild when hyphens married hyphens that a law was brought in that you had to limit a surname to two names, one hyphen only.
Back in the early nineties, I worked with a woman who had an only child, a daughter. Her husband was the last male in his family, so thought his family name would die with him. Their daughter grew up, got her education, started working, hadn’t gotten married but wanted to have a child. She went the sperm bank route and got pregnant. When she found out she was having a boy, and knew she would be passing her last name on to her son, she told her father the family name was going to live on. Last names can be carried on by daughters too. The patriarchy can just suck it.
A guy I knew back in school took his wife’s name. His father abandoned him as a young child, his stepfather was in jail for raping his sisters and he wasn’t too happy with his mother for not defending them. His wife’s family was lovely and although they found it a bit weird at first, they came around to the idea.
When my husband and I got married, I thought it was BS that I had to change my name, and the only fair thing to do was choose an arbitrary name that we both agreed on. That’s how the Murderkatt family was born.
This is a "there's nothing you can do about it" kind of situation. They'll get over it in time. Also, what if your brother and his wife decided not to have children? Or if they did and only gave birth to girls? But then you and your husband had a boy... bet they'd want the last name to live on then.
I'd like to think that it was just a knee jerk reaction on the brother's part. Hopefully, when he's calmed down, heard all the reasons and thought about the brother will adjust his attitude. One thing is for sure is that she wasn't asking anyone's permission.
Load More Replies... NTA. A friend of mine was in the same position. Her husband-to-be had a toxic family, and he preferred to take her name, as her family was close. No one had a problem with it.
I had a boss years ago whose last name was some (apologizes in advance for this comment) unsightly long a** eastern Eastern European jumble that mixed letters in nonhuman ways that should have been illegal under multiple UN treaties. His wife's name was four letters that anyone could spell without asking. Dr. Four (not real name) was a great guy.
I know someone who not only had a nightmare eastern European name her parents decided to double hyphen both Slavic nightmare last names. Guess who changed her name without much second thought.
Load More Replies... I appreciate the fact that you two have even put so much thought into this. It's usually assumed that the wife will take the husband's last name. I am really enjoying reading this thoughtful thread as it inspires me to consider these ideas for myself. There are some really valid points made! Makes me realize how much BS exists in our culture. Please keep us updated 🙂.
Does her brother get worked up over other people who share the same last name? Ridiculous!🙄
Load More Replies... I've been doing a lot of genealogical research in the past few years. In Jewish families in the Russian Empire, it wasn't at all rare for men to take their wife's surname.
Any Joe Shmoe off the street can change their name to hers; the guys are being dumb.
Good example of patriarchy being subconsciously entrenched in culture. Brother and dad have an immediate "ugh, no" reaction, but really there's no reason for it.
I always love how people assume they will have children and that one of those children will, obviously, be a boy and that boy will, naturally, want children... She just upped the odds the family name survives at all.
In Nigeria if a woman doesn't want to take on her husband's last name because she doesn't want to be tied to the family. Than husband is supposed to change his name before the wedding by dropping his last name and making his first name his last name as well. Say someone's name is Thomas Ben Musa he will change his name to Thomas Ben Thomas.
My husband also took my family last name. His family was minor upset but at the end of the day we love our last names and that's all that matters
It's easier to track families through the males last names and the woman's mitochondrial DNA. But seriously, a random stranger could like their last name and decide to adopt it and legally change their name to match. Seems like the bro and dad being possessive and entitled over the family name is the only reasoning for the upset over the fiancé taking on her name
'My father and brother are amazing people and husband's' as long as you stay in your lane, little lady. Your brother is way too emotionally invested in being the ONLY one to carry on the family name. Does it occur to him that if he has a brother who was getting married and the new wife was taking his name this probably wouldn't even be a discussion. Why does he think the random dice throws of conception get him a special privilege that half of Western men don't have.
One of my best friends (may you rest easy old friend) took his wife's last name because he liked her last name and his last name was very common and generic. I always thought it was interesting and never thought any less of him for it. To each their own
Here's a new idea: let's stop changing names of adults. We all keep our birth names when we marry. Those who demand a name change can always. hyphenate. Problem solved.
When I got married, it was with the knowledge that we were both keeping our own names. These days with all the different accounts and stuff, it just doesn't make sense to change it.
I created my daughter's last name with the two ppl I loved the most that was deceased. I was just going to give her both of their last names but than she would have had to pick one to go by. I took my grandma on my mom side maiden name and my dad's name and added a - between them making 1 name. 18 years later when I was not planning to have no more I get pregnant with my son. My daughter is the only person with her name. My son's dad and I fell out from so many lies while I was pregnant I decided to not name my son after him. My daughter was going to give her 1st born son her last name to keep it going. So when I decided not to name him after his dad she asked me if he can have her name to keep it going. I said yes so now both of them has the name.
In Spain, and many post Spanish-colonial nations, it is typical for the name to become a hyphenated (and sometimes not) name made up from both.
I had my son when I was 17. I gave him my last name because I couldn't bear for him to grow up with his Father's. (LTS - incredibly abusive and completely psychotic, I left him before my son was even a year old. He died in prison in 2015, when my son was 35). My Dad asked me what his last name was and I said "ours". My Dad says, "Oh, so he's registered stock?"
One of my Sons just got married and he took his wife's last name. I totally understood why he wanted to change his last name. He in fact also changed his middle name to my husband's name. I had named him at birth his dad's name. And blah blah blah, he never paid child support and never saw my kids after they were 4 and 2 yrs of age. My son didn't want his birth name anymore and I fully understand that. So much more to the story but this was the jest of it.
You would think they would be happy having additional opportunitie. to pass on the name? If they aren't this is just Sexist. The brothers Response is Especially baffling? He just want to be more important? I can't even wrap my head around this. Even if you don't give your husband your last name you certainly can give that to your children.
What's the last name? I'm fixing to change my last name, I'd consider changing mine to yours. Tell you father and brother anybody can do this and there's nothing they can do about it!
I kept my name, my husband kept his. I have a distinctive, though male-sounding, name (I am a cis female), but I love my name. I was a 31 year-old established professional in my field at the time. This, coupled with my listing off to my soon to be husband all the "things" I would have to do to change/register my new name (prof. licenses, credit cards, social security etc), said "yeah that sounds like a pain in the a$#, don't do that". He's also perfectly secure in his masculinity. It doesn't make us less married though occasionally people will assume we are not married simply because of that. I even had one, verrrry young, girl say to me "I didn't even know you could do that" (keep your own name). Lol. :-/
I have a last name that I have to spell out constantly. But if I were to get married I would definitely keep it. And if significant other wanted, they would be welcome to take it as a hyphenate or entirely. However, I often use another name when ordering pizza. I just get tired of spelling it out all the time. 3 syllables, no waiting!
I read the article and the comments they chose to include. I just have one question for the board panda people. Why do 99% of the comments you choose have vulgarity in them? It makes your editors seem like little school boys that are trying to shock us. My question to the op would be this...is this a fight you want to fight? Is it worth the damage you are risking to do this? I can't answer for and neither can anyone else. I'm just giving some food for thought.
NTA, Anyone can change their name to (almost) anything, it's a ridiculous thing to argue about
I think her brother and sister-in-law are motivated purely by jealousy, not sexism. They saw their children as extra special, being the only grandchildren to carry the family name. They are upset that you have 'taken" that status away from them.
Wow. Families do like to argue about completely stupid bull$hit. I absolutely would not GAF what my father or brother, or anyone else, had to say about this issue. WHY does "America" feel WOMEN must give up their family name? Latinas keep their surnames when they marry -- oh, the horror!
This is utter stupidity. I'm the third of three daughters (no brother or cousins on my dad's side) and my sisters were both very "democratic" when choosing last names. The oldest agreed to take her husband's last name, if he also took hers. They kept his last (the most important in my country) but agreed to always sign and present themselves using both (also, his family has a tradition of keeping 4 surnames, so both my nieces on that side still have my surnames). The middle sister didn't take her husband's name and decided to have a bet on what surname the kids would have: if the first was a boy all the kids would have my sister's surname, if the first was a girl all the kids would have the dad's surname. The first was a girl (and so were the 2nd and 3rd) so all of them have my brother-in-law's surname. Fair is fair
NTA. My husband and I have been together 21 years. We did not take eachother's last names. However, I have 4 kids and they all have my last name with my husband's blessing. It's not been a big deal in his family and, if my family cares, they never mentioned it.
My daughter's fiance is Chinese, over there the wife keeps her maiden name and the husband keeps his. The kids gets dad's name.
That would be nice to change it to your name. Then at least 2 siblings could pass the name on should they have children. The dad and brother are not open minded to possibilities In the 21st century. Have fun with your options.
Where I live, I would have to legally change my name to take my husband's family name. As for children, we could choose: his, mine, or a hyphenation. We could have 4 kids with 4 last names: Smith, Jones, Smith-Jones, and Jones-Smith. It got so wild when hyphens married hyphens that a law was brought in that you had to limit a surname to two names, one hyphen only.
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